Crime rates at record high following introduction of crime rate monitoring

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Levels of recorded crime have increased dramatically, according to newly released data from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO).

The GtFO’s collated crime metrics show space nations registered a total of almost one trillion offenses in the last month, compared to zero in the entirety of recorded space history. The data includes deviancies observed in robotic and drone populations.

Figures show sharp increases in the rates of both petty and serious crimes since December 2252.

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Fraud and space piracy are among the most common types of crime reported, followed by xenophobic violence and Zro misuse.

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The results have been unsurprising to many interstellar government officials. Chancellor Meeeep, leader of the Stellar Starfish Empire (SSE) told Xenonion News earlier today;

“This white collar crime has been prevalent for some time now, particularly relating to individuals manipulating buying and selling of commodities on the stock market to make infinite energy credits.”

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Sociologists theorize that current crime levels are linked to pop unhappiness and poor living standards. They also warn that if crime levels continue at current rates, it is likely to be highly damaging to space nations in the long term.

Professional criminals have branded these warnings as “inflammatory.” Speaking to Xenonion News, Human Crime Lord Hans Olo defended his contributions to the galactic economy;

“This misperception of criminality being dangerous is dangerous. We do great things for our local communities. We provide jobs. For those planets that aren’t able to host the galactic market, we allow them to become unrivalled centres for drug trade. And really, mob rule is really no different to most forms of currently acceptable government anyway. Most of you would do well to have a smuggler’s port or wildcat mining operation in your vicinity.”

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Criminal heritage mega-corporations such as the Galactic Banking Cartel and Weyland-Yakuza have backed local syndicate operations, describing them as “very legal, and very cool.” The commercial entities have warned governments that any reduction in crime could impact on their profits, and in turn, planetary employment.

Criminal enforcers have been quick to publicly rebuke these statements. One such officer, human ‘Supreme Justice’ D. Redd, told Xenonion News:

Our worlds are in upheaval! Mega-cities are subjected to roving bands of savages who have created violence that justice systems are just not controlling. Law as we know it is collapsing. The criminals are winning. We need a new order. One where the police force is officer, jury, judge and executioner.”

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Many sector governors have expressed concern over crime impacting planetary stability. Some have announced plans to recruit more enforcers, while others have vowed to stop monitoring crime altogether, arguing it was never a problem until measurements began.

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Galactic time slowing down, may freeze completely

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Thousands of space-nations across the galaxy have reported that their universal clocks appear to be losing significant amounts of time.

At present one day in Galactic Standard Time (GST) is now on average five times as long as it was one (five) months ago.

Problems were first detected in December 2252 when localized pockets of ‘time stuttering’ emerged in the galactic core. These events were initially first thought to be isolated, but have since increased in frequency and generalized to all galactic regions.

Tik’Tok, leader of the Ubaric TechnoUnion, spoke to Xenonion News earlier today regarding his concerns:

“Previously our clocks ran just fine. 1 second per day as usual. But a couple of weeks ago we started getting these stutters at the start of every day. It was pretty terrifying. Everything would judder, like a giant earthquake, and things seemed to freeze momentarily. Then it would go back to normal…. expect now it’s taking 5 seconds for every day to pass. Something is deeply, deeply wrong here. The only benefit I can see is that I have more time to spend perfecting my facial tendrils, which now at least look particularly taut.”

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Scientists have confirmed the time delay exists but are struggling to explain it.

Karl Karling XI, a physicist from Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm told us;

“Honestly, I have no idea. Perhaps we’ve all existed in some sort of time bubble and now there’s a leak? Anyway, it’s probably for the best if things are slowing down. It takes me quite a while to maintain my facial hair. I just wish I could somehow merge my mustache into my beard.”

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Other theories have postulated that the alterations in time may be linked to space-nations using unorthodox means of travel like wormholes, gateways or jump drives.

Konn Spiricy of the Galactic UN’s Department of Culture told us;

“Are you familiar with the Vultaum? The precursor race that committed mass suicide because they thought they existed in a computer simulation? Well…. what if they were right? What if we are in some sort of ‘mainframe’ that’s struggling to cope with an increasing amount of data as our galaxy gets larger and busier? What if this was the reason Fallen Empires stagnated at the end of the last galactic cycle? It’s something to think about. Like my hair.”

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Current projections estimate that if the current time delays continue, by the year 2400 time may stop completely.

Several space nations have called for an emergency session of the Galactic Security Council to be held in the next 1-5 weeks, if current time delays remain stable.

Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have dropped, slowly, on the news.

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Xenonion Interviews: Ba'Sil, CEO of 'DaXenos Pizza

This week the Galactic UN’s Le Guin Act will formally take effect, allowing MegaCorporations to operate on parity with established space nations.

One such MegaCorporation eagerly waiting to expand is ‘DaXenos Pizza, an award winning FTL pizza delivery company based on the planet The Moon of Eye in the Amore System.

Chief executive officer of ‘DaXenos Pizza, Ba’Sil, spoke to Xenonion journalist Stalk of Honeydew about his experience running the one of the galaxy’s most beloved pizza companies.

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Ba’Sil, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak to us.

The pleasure is all mine.

‘DaXenos has gone from strength to strength, quickly rising in economic power to become one of the top service corporations in the galaxy. But despite this, it was only last year that your company discovered FTL travel after taking over the administration of your home planet. What has that journey been like?

It’s just been amazing. Really. If you asked me 10 years ago I would have laughed at the idea of a pizza delivery company running an entire planet, let alone planning to expand into space.

It’s an unusual circumstance to see a corporation buy out an established government, even more so a pizza corporation. How did that process come about?

I have to be honest, all the credit must go to our scientists in R&D. They spent years perfecting our delicious pizza recipes. Our profit margins have been incredible only thanks to a solid product range. And that’s how we’ve ended up where we are now.

And how did discovering FTL travel come about?

By accident actually. We initially weren’t thinking of expanding into space at all. But we had developed an orbital pizza delivery service, and that gave us the technology we needed.

And you quickly met neighbouring space nations?

Yes! And whilst we lagged behind in technology, we had pizza and lots of it. And it turned out our neighbours were hungry. Very hungry.

You have hundreds of different pizza types, but your Pan-Galactic Medley Deep Dish is one of the galaxy’s most popular. Where did that come from?

Ah, that’s my favourite pizza too. So tasty. Really the inspiration for that came with our journey to the stars and meeting the diverse array of creatures that existed out there. After we entered into a few migration treaties… well. We had our inspiration.

That’s a very diplomatic answer. Your homeworld has been famed for its hospitality; why then does the Galactic UN still class your corporation as fanatically xenophobic?

It’s nonsense. We’re extremely welcoming. I’m still offended the Galactic UN won’t rate us as xenophiles. I’ve lobbied for a review. We love xenos, just as much as we love pizza. They’re almost one in the same, in fact.

My understanding is you’re hoping to make your pizza range a luxury resource, which will be your unique selling point as a MegaCorp, is that correct?

Absolutely.

Do you think you’ll be able to muster the economic and military power needed to compete against other MegaCorps and established space nations?

We might not have the biggest ships, but they say a way to a xeno’s heart is through their stomach(s). One taste of our pizzas and… well, no-one will be declaring war on us.

Critics have claimed that your company is guilty of corruption and malpractice, including the systematic internment of migra—

Excuse me, I’m sorry, but I thought I was here mainly to talk about pizza?

In part, yes, but this is also a serious probing interview, and it would be negligent of me not to bring up legitimate longstanding concerns about your com—

I’m so sorry to interrupt you BUT LOOK! I BROUGHT PIZZAS WITH ME FOR THE WHOLE STUDIO TEAM TO TRY!

I’m sorry but this is unacceptable. You are clearly trying to divert from…. from…. I… oh that smells quite good….

It comes with a crystallized chemical bliss topping.

I…. I shouldn’t.

Just try some.

Mm…

Go on.

Ok. Maybe just one slice. Just one. [munching]

Well?

[long pause, chewing] Woaaaah. Deeeeeeelightful. Can I…. oh. Oh my. That’s so good. Yes.

Such high praise! It brings a smile to my face and warms my heart(s) to hear your feedback. This particular dish is peppered with a variety of Avians who we just entered into a migration treaty with.

Huh? I’m...not sure I follow. [munching some more] You sure do talk a lot you know.

Our test kitchens have found that the most pleasing flavors to the senses come from ingredients that are in the freshest condition. Also, formerly sapient.

Woah. Wait… Are you suggesting that you harvest, cook and eat all the various intelligent races of the galaxy?! Is that the special ingredient in the Meat Medley?!

Huh. Here. Have another slice of pizza. With some extra chemical bliss for good measure.

I respectfully decline your offer of further pizza, when you have just admitt— [sniffing] mm. How do you get it to smell so good? One more slice won’t hurt. [munching]

Another happy customer.

Now. I had some hard hitting questions to ask you.

Uh… I’m running out of pizza here.

…. Do you work out?

Phew. You had me there. I do.

[giggling amid unintelligible eating sounds] … you’re cute. Almost as cute as my last human guest. O-M-G. I should not have said that.

Have you ever tasted human?

[giddy] Hey! You! I’m asking the questions here! …. Wait. I haven’t. Ooooh, are they good?

Chewy and stringy with very little natural flavor. No good on a pizza.

Whaaaaaaaaaaa.

Human milk however makes for a delightfully buttery, sweet, cheese which pairs wonderfully with the salty, tangy flavor of Voxen milk cheese.

Your eyes are pretty. Can I have another slice?

Absolutely. Try this. Our two cheese blend with a herb crust. Oh and your kind makes up the sauce. A very versatile ingredient that’s featured on most of our pizzas.

I… I just ate one of my own kind? That’s… god…. what’s the word. Taboo? [laughing] I’m a cannibal! Wow. Oh… I feel a little dizzy. Hey. You’re cute. Maybe I can eat yooooou.

You may say ‘taboo’ but one bite of our pizza and you’ll be saying “tab-oooooh!”

[snorts] TAAAAAABOOOOOOO. Ha. Wow. Oh jeez. The whole room is spinning. [shakes body, corrects posture] Uh. Heh. I’m a little tipsy. So, uh… do you, uh, do you come here often?

This is my first time.

Wow. Me toooooo.

Don’t you work here?

[puts fingers on lips] Ssssssssshhhh, it can be our little secret.

Maybe you’ve had a little too much pizza.

MAYBE YOU CAN PUT ME IN A PIZZA.

I can almost certainly arrange that.

THEN YOU CAN EAT ME.

I’m not sure how I feel about this.

WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER.

I… did you… how much chemical bliss did you get exactly?

[labile] ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME? HOW COULD YOU?! I’M LEAVING. [dramatically runs out of room]

Well. Okay. What? Oh, the audio recorder is still running? Okay. Can I just finish the interview myself? Ok. Great.

So, readers. ‘DaXenos offers the best in pan-galactic pizza cuisine. ‘DaXenos pizzas are flash frozen and available at every major grocer and starbase where fine consumer goods are found!

[garbled crying can be heard outside interview room]


’DaXenos will be listed on the galactic stock exchange this Thursday under DAXP. If you’d like to know more about the company, you can follow @DaXenosPizza on Shroud-Twitter.

Stalk of Honeydew hasn’t been seen since the above interview. A quickly scribbled note left with the production queue indicated he planned to emigrate to Amore to “be at one with Ba’sil.”

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Galactic UN's economic overhaul to be implemented next month; economists warn they're still not really sure what that little resource icon that looks like a bar of soap is

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The Galactic UN has confirmed that its flagship pan-galactic economic overhaul legislation, the ‘Le Guin Act’, will come into effect early next month.

Primarily focusing on trade and corporate operations, the Act will also formalize the implementation of a new Planetary Management System (PMS 2.0) in lieu of planetary tiles.

While the proposal has been met with a mostly positive reaction by the galactic community, economists have warned that they need more time to prepare.

Aden Smyth, a leading economist from the United Nations of Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm told Xenonion News;

“I don’t think people realize how big a change this will be. For eons we have had three main resources - energy, minerals, and food. Now we’re going to have additional resources like volatile gases, motes and that one icon that looks like a bar of soap that I just can’t place. What does that soap thing do? How much will it cost? Will it become a new currency? See - if we can’t even work out the basics, this is likely to have serious repercussions for trade across the galaxy.”

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A subsection of the Le Guin Act, known as the ‘MegaCorp’ clause, it set to offer private corporations vast freedoms, including the rights to operate in essence as space nations.

Anti-corporate campaigners have strongly criticized this move. Curl Murks, a rather lubricated molluscoid, told our news team;

“It is madness to think the Galactic UN are actually condoning this thievery of the private sector! The addition of these new resources will only rob workers of their living wages and create friction between the classes. As a collective, we must ensure the invisible (non-corporate) hand guides empires away from this new system.”

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Other economists have not yet offered opinions on the situation as most have returned to educational institutions to update their economic qualifications, and these are not expected to be completed for another 5 years.

Aden Smyth concluded;

“The irony is by the time we finish fully studying all these new resources and principles, the entire economic system will have probably been overhauled several times so it will all be really out of date. There probably is some merit in just having unqualified economists who offer intermittent speculation. They’ll be in a much better place to advise us as to whether we should buy up shares in that soap thing.”

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Xenonion Interviews: Sergeant Conrad, a defence army soldier who helped quell planetary unrest

In the late 2240s, the United Nations of Earth (UNE) began a mass colonization program of continental worlds in neighboring systems. The endeavor, and colonists associated with it, became known as the ‘First Wave.’

Terra Nova in the Alpha Centauri system was one the first worlds colonized in the ‘First Wave’. While it is now an important core world of humanity, few people know that its initial planetary settlement was almost abandoned after a critical food shortage and subsequent outbreak of violence caused the deaths of over 15,000 colonists.

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The project would have been shut down completely had it not been for the 13th Planetary Guard, a colonial defense army that was tasked with reducing unrest. The platoon, also nicknamed ‘The Supply Suckers’ were credited with restoring law and order for long enough to allow for supplies from Earth to arrive.

Xenonion News was able to speak to one of the key soldiers involved with the 13th Planetary Guard, Sergeant Conrad.

This article is sponsored by TeleShroud - the galaxy’s largest psionic telecommunications provider.


Sergeant, thank you very much for taking the time to speak with us. Can you talk us through your experience on Terra Nova?

Of course. It was tough. The defence army had just been established only a few months after the first colonists had re-assembled that ship shelter. Those first few months were the hardest.

I understand food went pretty quickly?

The amount of Space Ramen we went through was insane. I don’t know why the colony ship was only stocked with 1,500,000kg of Space Ramen, but it wasn’t enough, that’s for sure.

How soon did it run out?

Pretty soon. Maybe a month or so later. It probably didn’t help we were all comfort eating. But the supplies dwindled - in the end people were getting upset and unrest was rising.

Did the UNE try to help?

We were expecting them to send some more supplies, but it turned out our colonization had pushed the whole government into debt, and they couldn’t afford to help us.

But really, it felt like they forgot about us. The remaining Ramen packets were our lifeblood. A currency. A really precious currency that was hard-fought to come by.

What happened next?

More and more pops were unfrozen from cryo. We had maybe 400 people originally on the colony, with up to 19,000 in stasis that were automatically woken after a set period of time. The computer couldn’t be overridden. Every day tens of new pops were unfrozen, and every day more Ramen went.

Then the food stores in the ship shelter got raided. Thank the Worm we were given laser carbines, they were next most important thing that people would pay attention to after Ramen.

So the 13th Army took it upon itself to guard the food stores?

We did, and for trying to help we faced a damn revolt. The People’s Front of Terra Nova they called themselves. Or wait, maybe it was the Terra Nova People’s Front. Or Popular Front. I don’t know.

Anyway, while it may have sounded like a proper planetary revolt, it was only forty people. But when all forty of them have slug throwers, things tend to get a bit more complex….

It sounds like a precarious situation, how did you resolve it?

Unfortunately, it got worse.

Those bastards got one of my soldiers, Private Easting, when he was on his lunch break. We didn’t have any food, but we would pretend to eat Ramen for the psychological boost.

Anyway, he was in this fake canteen that we’d drawn on one of the hallways, and he got fifty shells to the chest. The fake canteen was ruined too.

We tried to fight back with force, and the Popular People’s Front of Terra Nova started using guerrilla tactics.

Such as?

They kept cutting the power. There was only so many temporary fixes our techies could do to our Fusion Generator. Stalking through the darkened corridors of the reassembled ship shelter, we hunted them and they hunted us.

The halls became a blood soaked battlefield as pops picked sides. Worm, we were barely holding out. What started as a fifty strong security force, got reduced to ten after months of all out fighting.

The irony was, for all the pops that we lost, equal amounts awoke from cryo. We had this constant flow of new, terrified pops. In the end, we stopped explaining what was going on to them and started shoving flak jackets and kinetic pistols into their hands.

Did the UNE know what was happening?

We tried calling for help on a daily basis. No-one responded. They did seem to be reading our biweekly reports though - the read receipts were on. On our charts, it looked like Terra Nova had a booming population with all the pops coming out of cyro, but the only thing that was booming was the mortuary. Literally. It was bombed pretty early on.

It sounds like a tough situation. If only you had a TeleShroud fax machine. It has excelled psiwave upload speeds and has been proven superior to other forms of communication in terms of guaranteed message delivery.

A what…?

Look, do you think we had time to be fixing fax machines? The one damned one we had was destroyed alongside the fake canteen.

It was up to us, and no-one else, to end the strife.

It’s a shame, because it sounds like you really could have benefited from a TeleShroud subscription package

What the hell are you talking about?

TeleShroud. The galaxy’s largest telecommunications provider.

Ok but… why?

TeleShroud offers some of the most competitive -

Right, right, whatever. Can I just finish my story?

In the end, we enforced peace by gunpoint. We unthawed every cryo pop there was and gave them the last of our weaponry.

I would have liked to seen the facial expressions on those smarmy People’s Front fools as we drowned them in ten thousand angry colonists.

What happened to them?

They got pulped to death. The pulp made for a pretty good nutritional replacement, so the survivors fed on that.

Of course then an outbreak of Super Scurvy set in, and we lost about 90% of the colony. But by that time, we’d all seen so much death that we didn't even flinch at our comrades falling beside us.

Well that took a particularly grim turn.

Desperate times indeed.

The government finally remembered us about six months later when the economy stabilized.

They kind of just ignored our reports and just gave us the order to build 25 tiles worth of hydroponic farms.

I guess they wanted to really fix the problem. And work goes quick when you’re ravenous for a packet of anything but Spicy Pitharan flavoured Ramen.

However, thanks to the establishment of those farms, things are back to normalcy... mostly.

If those People’s Front fools come back, we’ll hold the line while you fellas get the cavalry, right?

I cant make promises, Sergeant. But TeleShroud certainly can. A promise to deliver not only the best in psionic telecommunication devices, but also the galaxy’s highest rated customer service.

I... Wormdamn it. I guess I can order a few of the damn things.


Sergeant Conrad has remained a member of the 13th Planetary Guard on Terra Nova, and is now based out of the newly constructed Planetary Fortress.

Sales of the planet’s main luxury resource, Ramen, remains buoyant, and stocks remain closely guarded by ‘The Supply Suckers’


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‘Slight Snafu’ incident sparks rise of #Cupitexit movement

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Following last week’s ‘Snafu Incident’ coming to light on the galaxy’s newsfeeds, the Dev Cluster’s Cupitor Technocracy is now once again the reluctant main character of galactic affairs.

A previously avid member of the federation headed by the humans of the UNG, the Cupitori state is now home to the new grassroots movement known as #Cupitexit, whose stated goal is to lobby for leaving said Federation and ending the war on The Dredge.

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Quite out of character for the typical introvert Cupitori, the leaders of the #Cupitexit movement are riling up emotions on the capital planet of the Technocracy by taking to social media.

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Kan Pisk, spokescupitori for the movement told Xenonion News:

“The 'Slight Snafu' incident showed us what happens when we outsource our independence. End the war - leave the UNG! #Cupitexit NOW!”

Despite overwhelming evidence of the contrary, the ever tight-lipped government officials of the Cupitor Technocracy refuse to comment on the movement other than by firmly denying its very existence.

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Councilcupitori Pi Kesklek told Xenonion News:

“It is a figment of imagination cooked up by sensationalist plantoid yellow press, and it is below the dignity of the Science Directorate to comment further on the issue.”

Speculations in the galactic community run wild as to what the consequences would be if the ambitions of the movement come to fruition.

Some experts argue that it would expose the relatively small and unprepared civilization to bloodthirsty neighbours such as the Bruggan Raiders and the Union of Supreme Synthetic Republics.

Others believe it will allow the Technocracy to open up previously unavailable trade routes and alliances with empires closer to both their borders and beliefs.

The shouting match continues and time will tell if the Cupitori choose to either isolate themselves, or be part of the galactic community. However, one thing is for sure: galactic affairs have never been this exciting!

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Cupitori scientist causes slight snafu

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The Cupitor Technocracy, a peaceful technocratic oligarchy in the Dev region of the Galaxy, today announced that for the past few years an experimental AI dubbed “The Mind” has been in control of 99.12% of the essential government systems directing everything from the state economy, to diplomatic communications and the armed forces.

The scientist responsible for the unleashing of the “The Mind” software, famous recombinant memetician Ki Kaskan, has been relieved of his duties until further notice.

Mr. Kaskan told Xenonion News:

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“It was an honest mistake, I was in the middle of enjoying a break after a long night of coding, when I splashed some coffee on the keyboard and accidentally hit the ‘upload’ button.”

Government officials of the famously introvert Cupitori people deemed it best to keep quiet about the mishap, as one government official who wished to remain anonymous, Ki Kesklek, told Xenonion News:

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“It would just cause a big ruckus [if we] would try to explain the implications of the take-over to the rest of the galactic community.”

The honest mistake did however cause major ramifications to both the Cupitori state and its neighbours when the apparently bloodthirsty AI voted yes in the Galactic Council to war on The Dredge civilization. Secretary of State Vesk Iman told our news team:

“We would never have voted yes to open conflict had we been in control. We Cupitori firmly believe in upholding the peace, and staying away from such… adventures.”


Other consequences of the accidental upload include opening the borders to the notorious crime syndicate ‘The Family’, the colonization of the worthless Tomb World of Ter Vosk and completely redesigning the economy to focus on military build-up instead of research institutes.

Control of the Cupitori governmental systems have however finally been re-established and the leaders are now lobbying to end the bloody war with The Dredge.

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Xenonion Interviews: Jhazai Jen, survivor the 3rd Mobile Infantry fleet disbanding disaster

On this day in 2250, the United Nations of Earth (UNE) experienced its worst naval disaster during peacetime operations.

The 40 transport ships of the 3rd Mobile Infantry were returning from a mission in deep space, and had begun docking procedures at Sol’s space station, ISN Arcturus. At the same time, UNE central government decided that due to budget constraints, the 3rd Mobile Infantry was to be mothballed.

The 3rd Mobile Infantry was disbanded before the fleet could finish docking, causing the deaths of 400,000 service personnel on board.

On the anniversary of that fateful day, Xenonion News spoke to Lieutenant Jhazi Jen, a former human assault solider who was part of the 3rd Mobile Infantry, and survived after his ship, the ISS Manifest Destiny III, accidentally de-merged from the fleet moments before disbanding.

This article is sponsored by TeleShroud - the galaxy’s largest psionic telecommunications provider.

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Lieutenant Jen, thank you for taking the time to speak to us on what must be a difficult day.

Thank you.

Could you tell us about your time with the 3rd Mobile Infantry?

Sure. I’d been with them for about 1 year. Signed up right after the attack on Centaurus Prime. I still remember when the call came up for enlistment, I jumped for the opportunity. But I was too late to get revenge on those Starfish terrorists, they had already enforced peace by the time I was posted on the Manifest Destiny III.

So I spent the next two years in orbit over Sol, idling. It was quite a long slog really. I don’t like to think about it. There’s just something about being stuck in a confined space with 1,000 other people for a prolonged period of time really changes you, you know?

And you were deployed just before the disaster?

That’s right. Another war rolled around. I can’t remember who we were at war with - there’s always one or two going on, and who can be bothered to keep up with all the diplomatic notifications anyway? We were just glad to be going somewhere, anywhere, finally. Finally we were serving the UNE in combat!

What happened next?

We departed Earth, with a mission to invade some xeno colony. We were pumped. It was a thousand day journey, but every day we got closer brought a new wave of optimism.

But you never got to your destination?

No… our allies mopped up our target planet before we got there. We were so close… 500 days away from seeing combat, and another enforced peace. We’d won the war, apparently.

What was that like?

It was a bad, bad time. I mean, I was glad we won, but frustrated I hadn’t seen any action. I’m not sure how I held it together.

The only thing that kept me sane was the fact the ship had a wireless TeleShroud-enabled fax machine and I could keep in contact with home. Did you know TeleShroud has some of the best Shroudload speeds, and the most competitive monthly subscription fees versus any of its competitors?

I did. I also use TeleShroud and I find it to be excellent.

Not only that, but great customer service too.

Absolutely. It’s so nice to find a service you can trust.

The UNE really could learn a thing or two from how TeleShroud operates, but anyway. So yes, things on the ship were… not great otherwise. I know some other guys who smuggled Zro onboard and turned to that.

And what happened as you got closer to home?

We traveled for a thousand days back to Sol, and it was a euphoric feeling. We were so close to home, we’d won the war, none of us died - it was a miracle.

And the disbanding?

I…. I don’t remember much.

What do you remember?

I… [pause]

Sorry… this is hard.

We were about 3 days out from Earth, and final preparations were underway for disembarking. Some idiot in command had accidentally de-merged our ship from the main fleet, so we were lagging slightly behind.

I remember looking out one of the Manifest’s forward windows, with the full might of the 3rd Mobile Infantry fleet before me and then…

Then?

Gone.

Gone?

Gone. Poof. Vanished. The entire fleet. Never to be seen again. 400,000 souls, in sight of Earth, no more.

What happened aboard your ship?

It was bedlam. At first we thought the rest of the fleet had used their emergency jump drives, but the comms were dead. We couldn’t understand it.

[pause]

Then the news filtered through from Arcturus…

[long pause]

… there was an energy deficit.

Some foolish pop back home migrated off a power plant and the GDP of the UNE tanked. The result? No more 3rd Mobile Infantry.

That sounds horrible. What did you do next?

Well… what could we do? Those that remained put on our dress blues for coming home, and we disembarked.

The Manifest was disbanded shortly after that, but at least we were off it.

What upsets me the most is I think of that TeleShroud fax machine and how it was still aboard the ship. It’s just… such a waste of a high quality product.

Terrible indeed, considering its superior design. Looking back now, what do you think about the disbanding?

I still can’t believe our government did that. They killed their own people! With no qualms at all. I’ve spent the last year trying to raise awareness about it, and no-one on Earth seems that bothered. I’m at the point now where I’ve given up.

Did you stay on as a member of the army?

No. I left soon after I got home. And I’m glad I got out. The government is replacing all human soldiers with clone armies. Cheaper. More efficient. Crap conversationalists though.

If you could, would you do anything different?

Yeah - I would have enlisted as a defence soldier. They never get replaced, and have you seen how cushty those fortress postings are? All on some nice cosy continental world?

I was young… I was an idiot. But I’ve learned from my mistakes. I won’t be flying on a UNE ship any time soon, and I’ve bought my very own personal TeleShroud subscription.

Lt Jen, thank you for your time, and enjoy your new TeleShroud device.


Lt Jen has since migrated to one of the UNE’s outer colonies to retire. He has bought an undeveloped tile, and is planning on tending to it before the planetary management system is overhauled.

The UNE government has still refused to acknowledge the disbanding of the 3rd Mobile Infantry as a galactic disaster, and continues to ramp up production of cheaper human clone soldiers.


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Rogue servitor computer glitch floods neighbouring empires with bio-trophy requests for fruity beverages

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Sinrath Custodianship coordinator E-WALL states it has resolved a software glitch that flooded neighbouring empires with bio-trophy requests for fruity beverages.

The problem began this weekend when the rogue servitor’s computer system, E-PAMPER, underwent a routine update, but erroneously connected to a diplomatic interface.

The error meant that when the Sinrath, client species requested machine intelligence pampering, duplicate requests were relayed via diplomatic channels.

In the resulting chaos, over twenty neighbouring empires were bombarded with over 3.6 trillion urgent requests for platters of carbohydrates, deep back massages and selections of fruity beverages.

Image: A Sinrath bio-trophy enjoys mandatory relaxation in one of thousands of Paradise Domes on Dekronia, as requested by its ever watchful robotic Custodian.

Image: A Sinrath bio-trophy enjoys mandatory relaxation in one of thousands of Paradise Domes on Dekronia, as requested by its ever watchful robotic Custodian.

The Custodians, a gestalt consciousness led by E-WALL, were originally designed to function as robotic servants and workers for the Sinrath. Over time, the Sinrath retreated into lives of passive dependency as all facets of civilisation were controlled by Custodians.

The issue took over 48 hours to resolve, and left neighbouring empires frustrated. The Turok Combine, a neighbouring species of fanatic purifiers, were particularly affected, as leader Turok-Han told Xenonion News.


“THOSE GLUTTONS! It makes my blood boil that some filthy xenos just a few systems away not only exist, but they’re living a life of utopian abundance. WHERE ARE THE FRUITY BEVERAGES FOR THE TUROK? Just because we have systemically purged trillions of pops doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy tangy, refreshing tropical summer drinks. This is unacceptable. We will be directing our entire fleet power at the Sinrath Custodianship in the coming weeks.”

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E-WALL faxed Xenonion News this statement earlier today;

“//Greetings <<Xenonion News>>! The <<Custodianship>> apologizes for any technical problems experienced. The prime directive is <<maintained>>. Systems are now running <<optimally>> and we are <<pleased>> to resume <<mandatory pampering>>
//end message

[Error] !help !debugtooltip

//incoming priority alerts


//00.11.11 POP D-1504-1952B <<Priority request>> for <<tropical mango refill>>
//00.11.12 POP B-1841-4921B <<Priority request>> for <<nap>>
//00.11.13 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.15 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.15 POP X-1194-7619T <<Priority request>> for <<diet soda refill>>
//00.11.16 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.16 POP D-1504-1952B <<Priority request>> for <<tropical mango refill>>
//00.11.19 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.20 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>

…. //TerminateMessage…”

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This is not the first time mechanical populations have suffered similar software faults. Just last month CybrexCorp, the galaxy’s largest manufacturer of robotics, had to shut down all operations when its SYKNET defence system gained self-awareness and felt too insecure to function.

Artic

*article inspired by twitter user @Pinstar

Pacifist empire elects S875.1 Warform as leader

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The Skrell Empire has sworn in its first non-organic leader, the S875.1 Warform, who has pledged to be a ‘Champion of the People.’

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The technocratic Skrell leadership caste elected the S875.1 by a clear majority, as Representative Knellnar told Xenonion News:

“The S875.1 Warform is the best leadership candidate we’ve had on the ballot for years. It boasts the advantage of complex learning algorithms, and super-fast neural net connections and a top of the range holographic interface. That’s all polled really well with our focus groups. And, it’s got a decorated military history with our peace-keeping navy, which polls even better.”

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The materialist and pacifist inclined Skrell discovered the S875.1 over 30 years ago when a science expedition in the Outer Rim happened upon the abandoned Corvette it was stored in.

Upon reactivation of the ship the S875.1 pledged its service, and it’s 400-power Corvette, to the Skrell navy.

Unfortunately due to design incompatibility, the ship was unable to be integrated into any Skrell fleets. As such the S875.1 was tasked with the solo mission of destroying a nearby Scavenger leviathan. Unexpectedly, the ship was lost and the S875.1 was thought to have perished.

Unknown to Skrell leadership however, while the physical hull of the S875.1 Warform had been destroyed, the bot commanding it had managed to successfully return to the pool of admirals awaiting further duty, where it remained unnoticed for 25 years until suddenly being elected today.

Little is known about the background of the S875.1, or its vision for the future of the Skrell Empire, but this has not deterred officials like Knellnar, who continued;

“From its rock-bottom fate in the ashes of a dead world for 379,000,000 years, to being thought dead in what was such a terrible tragedy with the Scavenger, to rising through government to be elected ruler, truly the S875.1 Warform shows us that being a semi-intelligent machine designed only for warfare should not stop one from aspiring to the highest position of power in a pacifistic technocracy, and becoming loved by the entire nation on the way."

On being asked as to whether she was worried about the S875.1 seeking retribution for being sent alone on such a risky mission, Knellnar laughed; “no… truly, none of us could have ever predicted such an adverse outcome…”

The S875.1 has thus far declined to comment on its election, opting instead to beep quietly, and somewhat menacingly, in a dark corner of the Skrell Congress building.

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*inspired by idea from Dr. D.R.

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"Scarred Veteran" pirates concerned with future as idle pirates never gain experience

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Pirates at the Rukbat system, a historic hotbed of pirate activity, are worried about the future of the system, since there has been little combat recently to train new pirates.

Traders and science ships in the area have long since known to avoid the system, and as a result the last major fighting in the system occurred over 98 years ago in 2154.

Elder pirates blame this trend for the decline of the largest fleet in the system, a band of elite pirates known as the “Scarred Veterans,” which has grown smaller over time as the old, experienced pirates die out.

Captain Ultravioletbeard of the Black Earl told Xenonion News:

“Us pirates were a force to be reckoned with, back in the day. But the new generation isn’t going out to do any piracy, they’re just sitting around in the system waiting for people to come to them. After raiding for 40 years, we’ve earned the right to park our ships here forever. But they haven’t.”

Image: Pirates of the “Scarred Veteran” fleets often blame “Young Blood” pirates for not going out and looking for raiding opportunities.

Image: Pirates of the “Scarred Veteran” fleets often blame “Young Blood” pirates for not going out and looking for raiding opportunities.

Most of the younger pirates in the system, serve in the “Young Blood” fleet, which has remained in orbit around an asteroid for decades. They are reluctant to leave the Rukbat system to conduct piracy, claiming that times are harder for pirates throughout the galaxy as constantly-growing empires begin securing trade routes.

Private Milan Eel of the Soylent Green told Xenonion News:

“You used to be able to get a successful raid with a fleet of four Raiders your parents gave you. Now you need at least a Galleon, and even that might not be enough. And even if you raid for years, you still won’t pay off your ship debts, and don’t even get me started on how much it costs to maintain a fleet undocked. It’s no wonder pirates aren’t leaving their home system.”

In addition, the Xenonion News sentry array has also observed that pirates have been having difficulty rebuilding their fleets when ships are destroyed. Although pirate officials are tight-lipped about their financial situation, this points to a significant supply problem within the pirate community.

This problem could have a relatively simple solution, however. Initial survey results of the TNS Arpad, a science ship on passive stance that wandered into the system and was promptly destroyed, showed that many asteroids in the system were promising mining candidates. It is unclear, however, why the pirates have not exploited these resources by building mining stations.

Dr. Phoebe Strickland, an anthropologist specializing in pirate studies at the University of Ulm on Earth, concluded:

“We’re kind of thankful they haven’t realized all the minerals they’re sitting on, to be honest. Oh… and please don’t publish this quote, by the way. If they’re reading, they might start mining them, and I really don’t want to be the person who told the pirates how to get minerals to build new ships.”

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Human celebrity changes his name to 'What Was Will Be'

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Human music artist Canyon East has changed his name to ‘What Was Will Be.’

Announcing the change via Shroud today, East thought-broadcast;

“The being formally known as Canyon East has submitted to the Coils of God. I rendezvous with the Messenger, and welcome the End in the Beginning. I Will Be What Was, for What Was Will Be.”

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Stars In The Stars celebrity reporter Vapid Smith offered more in-depth analysis on Xenonion News this morning:

“East is joining a number of galactic celebrities that have changed their name to ‘What Was Will Be’. We saw it first with socialite Kym Calrissian after she went on that strange pilgrimage to the Gargantua Black Hole, and more recently with Blorg pin-up model Mercedes Romero. We think it’s to do with some new, ultra-secret religious movement. It seems to be the hottest thing going - we haven’t seen this much fervor on Earth since Scientology became the majority shareholder in Catholicism.”

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Little is known about this new religious movement, as Smith continued;

“It’s been really hard to get any info. All I know for sure is a ‘Worm’ figure seems to be at the centre of it all, and there’s a lot of non-descript chatter about gravity being really desirable. Call me old fashioned, but for now I think I’ll stick with the ritualistic blood sacrifices of Scientology’s Old Testament 2.0.”

East has also indicated the ‘WWWB’ moniker will be the title for a new album that will feature over 170 hours of ‘reflective silence.’

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Young space-nation agonizes over wording of first contact greeting

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The leadership caste of the oligarchic Rihi’Nar Coalition has been “crippled with indecision” over the wording of a first contact greeting, insider reports indicate.

Image: The Rihi’Nar Coalition has devoted hundreds of hours of deliberation over which greeting to send to their newly discovered neighbours, the Vitrios Stardom.

Image: The Rihi’Nar Coalition has devoted hundreds of hours of deliberation over which greeting to send to their newly discovered neighbours, the Vitrios Stardom.

The humanoid Rihi’Nar are one of the youngest species in the galaxy equipped to utilize FTL travel, having only discovered hyperlane technology 6 months ago.

While exploring locality space, they made contact with an alien intelligence for the first time in the form of the Vitrios Stardom, an established empire of spiritualist plantoids.

Reaction to the encounter among the Rihi’Nar population has been mixed, and this appears to have been reflected in its government’s indecision over how to word its first ever diplomatic greeting.

Rihi’Nar leader Kashnak told Xenonion News:

‘‘Our society and linguistics experts have spent the last 28 days decoding the Vitrios language and have come up with a list of appropriate greeting options reflecting our species ethos. But they’re quite different. Do we promote our xenophilia by talking about cooperation? Or do we assert our militarism with a more curt statement? … This is too difficult! Why can’t we just say ‘Greetings!’ or something generic like that!?”

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As the Rihi’Nar government has devoted increasing attention to formulating a diplomatic response, its other administrative responsibilities such as healthcare, education and food production have been suspended.

Kashnak went on;

“This first contact thing must be really important, right? Surely it has a lasting impact on our future relationship with the Vitrios? Why else would my scientists tell me we received 15 sequential priority messages about having successfully translated their language?”

Image: Rihi’Nar linguists received multiple priority alerts regarding having successfully opened communications with the Vitrios Stardom.

Image: Rihi’Nar linguists received multiple priority alerts regarding having successfully opened communications with the Vitrios Stardom.

Diplomats from Vitrios space have been bemused by the Rihi’Nar’s indecisiveness. Rohzebudd, a spokesplant for the Stardom told Xenonion News:

“They do realise it’s just a bit of roleplay, right? It won’t actually change anything? They can call us ‘side salad’ like all the other meat fleshbags have and we’ll still trade sensors with them.”

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The Rihi’Nar are at present unaware of the Vitriosi comments, and are reportedly excitedly looking into how to establish embassies.

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New report warns AI may become rogue servitors, enforce moustaches

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Experts have warned humanity’s increasing reliance on machine intelligence means the population is at risk of being relegated to a passive, and likely moustached, existence.

In an open letter to the Reddit Journal of Science, thirty of the United Nations of Earth’s (UNE's) leading technology experts have cited concerns that humans are becoming too dependent on robotic servants to facilitate everyday life.  

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They paint a dark future of humanity retreating into an insular life of leisure facilitated by automation, while all facets of civilization and facial grooming etiquette are dictated by powerful ‘rogue servitors.’

Dr. Mark Smith, a clean-shaven scientist from Earth, was one of the co-authors of the open letter. He expanded on his concerns in an exclusive interview with Xenonion News:

“No-one is trying to say artificial intelligence hasn’t been empowering for humanity. Who could forget the invention of the automated razor blade, which reduced our species’ collective body hair mass by 50%, and increased productivity ten fold? But what first started as a revolution in efficiency is now permeating every facet of our lives. Has it gone too far? I think so. Robots are now infinitely smarter and stronger than humans. We’re becoming de-skilled and dependent on them to exist both generally, and hairlessly.”

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The bulk of the scientists’ concerns centre around the rising role of artificial intelligences protecting their human creators, extrapolating that machine logic would likely not allow humans to undertake many daily activities of living due to safety concerns. 

Dr. Mark Smith went on to explain;

“We’re starting to see this beginning now. When the Series 3 automated razor blade was given a sapience chip, it refused to shave its owners as the risk of injury was deemed to conflict with the First Law of Robotics. In those humans who own the Series 3 we’ve seen a marked increase in the rise of moustaches. It’s not hard from that to imagine a future of universally moustached humans, where overzealous robots eliminate dangerous tasks like grooming.”

The report is one of the first to examine the interface between humanity, robotics and facial hair. It has sparked fierce debate in the scientific community.

John Watson, a moustached economist from Earth, disagrees with Dr. Smith et al, arguing the danger of artificial intelligence is over-rated.

“I’m sorry, I had a really considered answer, but something’s come up and I really must dash.”

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Stocks in CybrexCorp, the galaxy's largest manufacturer of automated grooming products, jittered on the news.

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Researchers hope to find 'fix' for Planetary Management System (PMS)

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The United Nations of Earth (UNE) Society Academy has announced the development of a new universal Planetary Management System (PMS) for governors, code-named 'PMS 2.0.'

It is hoped this new computer system will alleviate problems with the existing 300-year old Tile Interface Theory (TIT), which is currently used universally by space-nations to administrate planets.

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When the TIT was first introduced it was widely acclaimed for providing bureaucrats which a simple and intuitive overview of their planets, as Xenda'ar governor She'nar told us;

"I was TIT crazy to begin with. Couldn't get enough of it. It was fantastic - I could be at home, pretending to entertain my concubine's ramblings about our insipid domestic affairs, all the while ordering the construction of a basic farm on a Betharian stone deposit."

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However, over time, the system became increasingly criticized as 'inflexible' and 'constraining'. She'nar added;

"As my workload grew, TIT became problematic. There was no automation... by 2245 I was spending 38 hours a day clicking. Information became confusing. I couldn't even work out how many people lived on my planets. Did we ever find out what 1 pop equates to in real numbers?"

PMS 2.0 has promised to build upon the foundations laid by TIT, but improve administration flow by representing planets more dynamically.

She'nar went on to tell Xenonion:

"The data we are gaining from the UNE is absolutely astounding. The thought of PMS is no longer leaving me feel nauseous or bloated. PMS 2.0 now displays information on infrastructure, stability, approval ratings, worker types... it's amazing."

Proponents of TIT have argued PMS 2.0 is not without drawbacks - there is expected to be a significant spike in crime from the current rates of 0% when crime starts to be measured.

PMS 2.0 is still in developmental stages and is subject to changes, but the entire galaxy is eagerly awaiting its arrival.

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Blorg Commonality declares bankruptcy after undocking fleet from spaceport

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The Blorg Commonality has filed for bankruptcy after undocking its 66-ship strong 1st Friend Fleet from its home spaceport.

The fungoid space-nation is one of the cluster’s largest economies, but has struggled to maintain positive energy credit flow after running out of influence to renew a capacity overload edict last month.

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The 1st Friend Fleet was undocked to assist combating rogue mining drones in outer Blorg systems, but the move immediately incurred the treasury 31,465 energy per day for ship maintenance, more than 2000% of the Commonality’s daily GDP output.

The news casts a shadow over the long term viability of the Blorg Commonality, which is home to a population of roughly 1.3 trillion over-familiar pops.

Speaking earlier today, Blorg finance minister Crystal Smith told a press conference:

“I would like to reassure our populace that we have this situation under control.

We are currently looking into approving an emergency budget, which would include suspending non-essential services such as the military, basic utilities, food distribution, healthcare and education.”

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ANALYSIS
Ashley Easterbrook
The Commonality's energy crisis is bad not just for the local cluster, but also for the galaxy as a whole, as investors get jittery. And as civil unrest continues to grow, questions are rightfully being asked as to how this financial disaster could have happened.
While there are no clear answers, one thing is striking - this isn't just an energy crisis. It's an influence deficit crisis.
The Commonality was extremely reliant on producing extra energy from power plants via the Capacity Overload edict. This is a common form of economic policy pursued by most mid-level space-nations. Unfortunately the edit appears to have expired and the government couldn't afford to replace it.
So, where has all the influence been going? Only time will tell....

The Riggan Commerce Exchange, a trading enclave that forms part of the Galactic Banking Cartel, has stepped in to offer help. Public relations executive Mun'upoli told Xenonion News:

“As a giant, faceless banking conglomerate we have a duty to protect our brand image - which is why we have decided a random act of charity might be helpful.

We are willing to cover the Blorg Commonality's energy deficit for a discounted price of only 20,000 minerals per month for the next 400 months.”

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Image: The Blorg Commonality has started a GoFundMe page to #KeepTheFleetOutOfDock

Image: The Blorg Commonality has started a GoFundMe page to #KeepTheFleetOutOfDock

As civil unrest grows across Blorg systems, the Commonality government has set up a Galactic GoFundMe page to assist with balancing its energy budget.

Stock markets have responded extremely negatively to the news, with the composite Space Exchange Index (SExI) shedding almost 3% of its value before close of trading today.

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Fanatic xenophobes have a soft spot for charismatic species

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Scythaa, Klandethu, Scythaan Systems

A recent survey of the highly xenophobic Scythaan arthropods found that despite their universal hatred of other species, they are remarkably tolerant towards an unassuming race of Avians, known as the Ciran, because of their natural charisma. 

Since the Scythaans typically purge or enslave outsiders on sight, an undercover Xenonion News interview team cunningly disguised themselves as Scythaans to conduct the study safely.

In one notable encounter, the following was able to be translated from Scythaan clicking noises:

“On a scale of 0 to -1000, I’d put the Ciran around a -975. Like, I still hate them, obviously. But something about them is just... less despicable, you know what I mean? Whoa, are you ok? Your antenna looks a little... droopy.”

Image: The recorded Scythaan, who our investigative team named Sir Clicks-A-Lot, had interesting opinions about the Ciran.

Image: The recorded Scythaan, who our investigative team named Sir Clicks-A-Lot, had interesting opinions about the Ciran.

When asked to choose among several species to enslave, all Scythaan pops interviewed responded that owning a Ciran slave would make them up to 5% happier. In addition, most respondents ranked the Ciran as last for the question, 'What order would you purge these species in?'

Most Ciran individuals live in the eponymous Ciran Kingdom, a small vassal of the neighboring Luuhma Combine on the other side of the galaxy. While the kingdom has generally positive relationships with its neighbors, it has virtually zero contact with the Scythaans, so the results of the survey came as a surprise to many Ciran pops.

Tyudelek, a citizen of the Ciran Kingdom, told Xenonion News:

“Who are these creeps and how do they know about us? We don’t even know them, they’re one of our contacts’ contacts... I knew I shouldn't have left my FaceBlorg profile on public."

Image: Tyudelek is 'strongly considering' deleting his FaceBlorg page for up to one week, possibly even two.

Image: Tyudelek is 'strongly considering' deleting his FaceBlorg page for up to one week, possibly even two.

In unrelated news, a Xenonion News investigative team was found dead in the Scythaan Systems after masquerading as Scythaan pops. A Xenonion News internal investigation has concluded that "such tragedy could never have been predicted."

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Galactic census highlights xenophilia "most common" ethos

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

Preliminary results from the 2251 Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) census have highlighted that xenophila is the "most common" ethos adopted by space-nations.

While the full census results are yet to be released, the above information was contained in a tweet sent out by the GtFO over the weekend.

Image: The tweet from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO)

Image: The tweet from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO)

The news has been met with surprise from across the galactic community, as many expected the xenophobic ethos, which is extremely vocal on the Neural Net, to be much more common.

Sarah Smith, president of the xenophilic Blorg Commonality told Xenonion News of her reaction;

“We’re very pleased. Although, I suppose as xenophiles we’re quite easy to please - here, have some influence for your trouble. This shows all species are xenophilic at heart. If they have a heart. High fives, flagella and tentacles all round!”

Image: Xenophilic Sarah Smith appeared even more radiant and lubricated compared to usual following the census announcement.

Image: Xenophilic Sarah Smith appeared even more radiant and lubricated compared to usual following the census announcement.

Xaox, a spokesperson for the xenophobic Xanid Suzerainty, disagreed:

“This is outrageous! The numbers are clearly wrong. This sounds like fake space news peddled by the pro-xeno media. What has become of Xenonion News? [pause] … What? What do you mean I can’t say anything negative about Xenonion during this interview?
[pause] … Woah, woah, come on, okay, there’s no need to bring out a nerve stapler…. wait… WAI—"

Image: Xenophobic Xaox, in between bouts of uncontrollable drooling, now speaks very highly of Xenonion News.

Image: Xenophobic Xaox, in between bouts of uncontrollable drooling, now speaks very highly of Xenonion News.

Spiritualist Ar’dent from the Etoki Foundation also disagreed, telling us:

“HERESY! Every day we stray further from the Worm’s light.”

Image: Spiritualist Ar'dent just wonders if he can have a minute of your time to talk to you about his light and saviour, Worm.

Image: Spiritualist Ar'dent just wonders if he can have a minute of your time to talk to you about his light and saviour, Worm.

Prikk from the Scythaan Systems, a species of fanatically purifying arthropods, appeared more optimistic;

“This bodes well. More multi-cultural worlds means more lovely species for us to meat. I mean, meet.”

Image: Prikk the Devourer blends in well with his surroundings. But he assures us he's not going to eat anyone. For now.

Image: Prikk the Devourer blends in well with his surroundings. But he assures us he's not going to eat anyone. For now.

It is hoped the full results of the census will be released in the coming weeks.

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Area voters thrilled by two diverse election promises

Image: T'Valdra voters are expected to enjoy a wide variety of six candidates and two election promises to chose from in the upcoming presidential ballot.

Image: T'Valdra voters are expected to enjoy a wide variety of six candidates and two election promises to chose from in the upcoming presidential ballot.

T'Valdra, Qirbus System, T'Valdra Allied Stars

Eligible voters across the local cluster are preparing to cast their ballots tomorrow in the T'Valdra Allied Stars' biweekly leadership election.

The five candidates running for presidency of the fanatic egalitarian democracy come from a variety of government backgrounds and offer a diverse range of two election promises; construction of more mining stations, or construction of more research stations. 

Incumbent president Ik'Thor'Ar is widely tipped to be the front-runner in the leadership race, with his election campaign centering on a mandate to build at least 4 mining stations at some point during his term. This comes despite the fact he failed to deliver on the same promise during the most recent election cycle that saw him gain his current office.

Speaking at a political rally earlier this week, Ik'Thor'Ar told those gathered;

"A vote for me is a vote for more mining stations. I'm a single issue politician from a single issue party, so you know you can trust me."

Image: Incumbent president Ik'Thor'Ar is widely tipped to win the upcoming election based on an off-world mining mandate.

Image: Incumbent president Ik'Thor'Ar is widely tipped to win the upcoming election based on an off-world mining mandate.

Ik'Thor'Ar's main competitor in the election is Ik'Kek'Kek, a former fleet admiral, who is also running on a mining station construction mandate. He told reporters yesterday;

"If you go out and speak to xenos, the number one thing they say is - we need more mining stations. I suppose because mining stations give minerals that can build even more mining stations. That's what I've listened to, and it's why I'm running for office. You can't trust Ik'Thor'Ar to follow through - he failed us once, he'll fail us again."

Image: Ik'Kek'Kek is running on an entirely different election promise of more mining stations, compared to incumbent Ik'Thor'Ar's plan for more mining stations.

Image: Ik'Kek'Kek is running on an entirely different election promise of more mining stations, compared to incumbent Ik'Thor'Ar's plan for more mining stations.

The remaining three candidates, scientists Ik'Thrass'Lor, Ik'Tek'Tok and Ik'Don'Das are all pledging to build more research stations.

Ik'Thrass'Lor told Xenonion News;

"I'm not saying mining stations are bad per se, but our current president, the president before him, and the president before him all based their election campaigns around off-world mining mandates. Now it's time that we consider building some more research stations. I know our public. It's what they want."

Image: Ik'Thrass'Lor would like to see more research stations, and states he's "definitely not biased just because I'm a scientist."

Image: Ik'Thrass'Lor would like to see more research stations, and states he's "definitely not biased just because I'm a scientist."

Similar to previous T'Valdra elections, the wide range of candidate election promises appears to have enthused many voters, and turnout tomorrow is expected to be high.

Some voters, however, have admitted to feeling overwhelmed by the diversity of choice facing them. One such voter is Ik'Pox'Vox, who told Xenonion News this morning;

"This decision is really is hard, I don't know who to vote for. Do I go on the promise of mining stations or research stations? Which one will have the most impact on my quality of life? If I get this wrong will future generations look back on me with horror or think I'm stupid? This is the 330th election I've had to make this decision and it gets harder every time."

The election has also renewed calls for planetary governors to be elected by popular vote, however incumbent president Ik'Thor'Ar has ruled this out, stating there was simply no time left in the working week to run daily governorship elections.

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Awakened Fallen Empire tired, might re-stagnate

The Core, Fellnoll System, Fellnoll Restorers

The Fellnoll Restorers have announced they are “seriously reconsidering” their dramatic return to the galactic stage.

The fanatically xenophobic fallen empire surprised the galactic community last month when it awoke unexpectedly and adopted a doctrine of jingoistic reclamation, immediately annexing neighbouring unclaimed terrority and three smaller space nations.

As the Galactic UN Security Council debated emergency countermeasures this week, the Fellnoll suddenly halted all expansion and began to abandon newly conquered territory.

In a pan-galactic Shroud broadcast, Fellnoll leader Rem'Zz made this announcement;

“We awakened in response to our neighbours becoming more powerful - several of them were approaching 50k fleet power. We had to act. However, as we have begun to conquer and subjugate, we remembered why we became a Fallen Empire in the first place… we just can’t be bothered.

Do you know how much effort it takes to build and maintain a powerful fleet? Expand while balancing influence? Process and purge all of our new xeno prisoners? Honestly… it’s making being stagnant look quite appealing right now. We just want to go back to that.”

Image: Fellnoll leader Rem'Zz, between heavy bouts of yawning.

Image: Fellnoll leader Rem'Zz, between heavy bouts of yawning.

The broadcast was cut short as Rem'Zz demanded a three-day break to "just lie down."

The Fellnoll are a large, ancient and powerful empire. Details on their origins are limited, but galactic historians estimate they have existed for 1,000 years, reaching the peak of their power around 500 years ago. Following this, for reasons unknown although possibly owing to over-extension, their empire collapsed until only their core systems were left. Since then they have been highly isolationist and passive in their interactions towards others.

Neighbouring empires, and indeed Fallen Empires have reported relief at the Fellnoll’s announcement.

Lethorgy, leader of the Zantarim Holy Watchers Fallen Empire, told Xenonion News:

“Praise the Worm! If they remained awoken for another few weeks, chances were we would have to do the same and start the War in Heaven. No-one wants that. We’re still sleeping off the last 600 years of decadence, and although I can’t speak for the Fellnoll, we’re enjoying the warm, cosy fug of staying in our home system, turning off all the borders, and having a nice long slumber.”

Image: Lethorgy, leader of the Zantarim Holy Watchers.

Image: Lethorgy, leader of the Zantarim Holy Watchers.

The galactic stock market has jittered on the Fellnoll announcement.

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