Ba’Sil, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak to us.
The pleasure is all mine.
‘DaXenos has gone from strength to strength, quickly rising in economic power to become one of the top service corporations in the galaxy. But despite this, it was only last year that your company discovered FTL travel after taking over the administration of your home planet. What has that journey been like?
It’s just been amazing. Really. If you asked me 10 years ago I would have laughed at the idea of a pizza delivery company running an entire planet, let alone planning to expand into space.
It’s an unusual circumstance to see a corporation buy out an established government, even more so a pizza corporation. How did that process come about?
I have to be honest, all the credit must go to our scientists in R&D. They spent years perfecting our delicious pizza recipes. Our profit margins have been incredible only thanks to a solid product range. And that’s how we’ve ended up where we are now.
And how did discovering FTL travel come about?
By accident actually. We initially weren’t thinking of expanding into space at all. But we had developed an orbital pizza delivery service, and that gave us the technology we needed.
And you quickly met neighbouring space nations?
Yes! And whilst we lagged behind in technology, we had pizza and lots of it. And it turned out our neighbours were hungry. Very hungry.
You have hundreds of different pizza types, but your Pan-Galactic Medley Deep Dish is one of the galaxy’s most popular. Where did that come from?
Ah, that’s my favourite pizza too. So tasty. Really the inspiration for that came with our journey to the stars and meeting the diverse array of creatures that existed out there. After we entered into a few migration treaties… well. We had our inspiration.
That’s a very diplomatic answer. Your homeworld has been famed for its hospitality; why then does the Galactic UN still class your corporation as fanatically xenophobic?
It’s nonsense. We’re extremely welcoming. I’m still offended the Galactic UN won’t rate us as xenophiles. I’ve lobbied for a review. We love xenos, just as much as we love pizza. They’re almost one in the same, in fact.
My understanding is you’re hoping to make your pizza range a luxury resource, which will be your unique selling point as a MegaCorp, is that correct?
Do you think you’ll be able to muster the economic and military power needed to compete against other MegaCorps and established space nations?
We might not have the biggest ships, but they say a way to a xeno’s heart is through their stomach(s). One taste of our pizzas and… well, no-one will be declaring war on us.
Critics have claimed that your company is guilty of corruption and malpractice, including the systematic internment of migra—
Excuse me, I’m sorry, but I thought I was here mainly to talk about pizza?
In part, yes, but this is also a serious probing interview, and it would be negligent of me not to bring up legitimate longstanding concerns about your com—
I’m so sorry to interrupt you BUT LOOK! I BROUGHT PIZZAS WITH ME FOR THE WHOLE STUDIO TEAM TO TRY!
I’m sorry but this is unacceptable. You are clearly trying to divert from…. from…. I… oh that smells quite good….
It comes with a crystallized chemical bliss topping.
I…. I shouldn’t.
Just try some.
Ok. Maybe just one slice. Just one. [munching]
[long pause, chewing] Woaaaah. Deeeeeeelightful. Can I…. oh. Oh my. That’s so good. Yes.
Such high praise! It brings a smile to my face and warms my heart(s) to hear your feedback. This particular dish is peppered with a variety of Avians who we just entered into a migration treaty with.
Huh? I’m...not sure I follow. [munching some more] You sure do talk a lot you know.
Our test kitchens have found that the most pleasing flavors to the senses come from ingredients that are in the freshest condition. Also, formerly sapient.
Woah. Wait… Are you suggesting that you harvest, cook and eat all the various intelligent races of the galaxy?! Is that the special ingredient in the Meat Medley?!
Huh. Here. Have another slice of pizza. With some extra chemical bliss for good measure.
I respectfully decline your offer of further pizza, when you have just admitt— [sniffing] mm. How do you get it to smell so good? One more slice won’t hurt. [munching]
Another happy customer.
Now. I had some hard hitting questions to ask you.
Uh… I’m running out of pizza here.
…. Do you work out?
Phew. You had me there. I do.
[giggling amid unintelligible eating sounds] … you’re cute. Almost as cute as my last human guest. O-M-G. I should not have said that.
Have you ever tasted human?
[giddy] Hey! You! I’m asking the questions here! …. Wait. I haven’t. Ooooh, are they good?
Chewy and stringy with very little natural flavor. No good on a pizza.
Human milk however makes for a delightfully buttery, sweet, cheese which pairs wonderfully with the salty, tangy flavor of Voxen milk cheese.
Your eyes are pretty. Can I have another slice?
Absolutely. Try this. Our two cheese blend with a herb crust. Oh and your kind makes up the sauce. A very versatile ingredient that’s featured on most of our pizzas.
I… I just ate one of my own kind? That’s… god…. what’s the word. Taboo? [laughing] I’m a cannibal! Wow. Oh… I feel a little dizzy. Hey. You’re cute. Maybe I can eat yooooou.
You may say ‘taboo’ but one bite of our pizza and you’ll be saying “tab-oooooh!”
[snorts] TAAAAAABOOOOOOO. Ha. Wow. Oh jeez. The whole room is spinning. [shakes body, corrects posture] Uh. Heh. I’m a little tipsy. So, uh… do you, uh, do you come here often?
This is my first time.
Wow. Me toooooo.
Don’t you work here?
[puts fingers on lips] Ssssssssshhhh, it can be our little secret.
Maybe you’ve had a little too much pizza.
MAYBE YOU CAN PUT ME IN A PIZZA.
I can almost certainly arrange that.
THEN YOU CAN EAT ME.
I’m not sure how I feel about this.
WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER.
I… did you… how much chemical bliss did you get exactly?
[labile] ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME? HOW COULD YOU?! I’M LEAVING. [dramatically runs out of room]
Well. Okay. What? Oh, the audio recorder is still running? Okay. Can I just finish the interview myself? Ok. Great.
So, readers. ‘DaXenos offers the best in pan-galactic pizza cuisine. ‘DaXenos pizzas are flash frozen and available at every major grocer and starbase where fine consumer goods are found!
[garbled crying can be heard outside interview room]