Opinion: Top 5 tips for visiting the Saiiban Hive Mind

Opinion: Top 5 tips for visiting the Saiiban Hive Mind

 Image: A recent promotional poster for the 'Visit Saiiban' tourism campaign. A Saiiban drone is pictured with Saiiban Prime in the background.

Image: A recent promotional poster for the 'Visit Saiiban' tourism campaign. A Saiiban drone is pictured with Saiiban Prime in the background.

Many xenos dream of visiting the Saiiban Hive Mind but are off-put when they hear about the reputation of 'rude' expressionless drones or huge crowds of organic pops being processed for assimilation.

While some of this may be based in truth, it shouldn't stop you from experiencing one of the most culturally unique locations in the galaxy!

Whether you prefer a short city-break to Urban Cluster A1 on Saiiban Prime, or a quiet nature retreat lounging by the irradiated shores of Nest 11, Saiiban has something for every xeno.

Here are our top five tips for getting the most out of your trip to the Saiiban Hive Mind:

1. Do your research in advance 

Make a list of all the places you want to visit, and prioritise accordingly as you'll probably not have time to see them all.

If you're heading to Saiiban Prime, the Visitor Center should definitely be your first destination. Info booths provide a great overview on what's happening in and around the Hive Mind, and staff drones will issue you travel permits to help you get around (more on that below). Beware though, it's famed for it's +5% migration attraction, so it's likely to be super busy. 

While we've tried to avoid simply listing places to visit, if you're going to see one thing and one thing only you have to visit the DNA Splicing Bio-Assimilation Centre, conveniently located right beside the Saiiban Prime Visitor Centre. This mammoth structure is so large it can be seen from space. What exactly happens here is a closely guarded secret, but it must be doing something right as it's the highest rated galactic tourist attraction on TripInformer since last year. Be sure to get your tickets in advance, as queues can stretch for several miles.

 Image: A Xenonion U-Poll earlier this year asked xenos what they thought of Saiiban's DNA Splicing Bio-Assimilation Centre winning TripInformer's prestigious title.

Image: A Xenonion U-Poll earlier this year asked xenos what they thought of Saiiban's DNA Splicing Bio-Assimilation Centre winning TripInformer's prestigious title.

2. Hassle free transit

A travel pass is an absolute must if you want to get around easily. In fact, in some places you're restricted on where you can go without one.

Thankfully they're free and really easy to come by - just drop in at any Saiiban Visitor Centre.

They will hook you up to the Natural Neural Network where the travel pass will be delivered into your central nervous system through a penetrating tendril.

Don't worry - it's fast and pain free, and as an added bonus you get permanent access to the entire Hive Mind. It's like having an entire social network in your head, except everyone speaks in unison. Awesome!

Fun fact: The travel pass grants free admission to the DNA Splicing Bio-Assimilation Centre. Continuous and intrusive auditory hallucinations from the Natural Neural Network remind tourists of this on a regular basis - how neat is that?

3. Try an authentic ascetic experience

If you want to really see how the locals live, you need to try ascetism, the local custom by which Saiiban drones live by.

It's a lifestyle characterised by complete abstinence from sensual pleasure and common social interactions, with complete rejection of material possessions and an unquestioning embrace of the Hive.

You're probably thinking - why would I do that? Well, Saiiban research has shown that 100% of drones who adopt ascetism are "completely satisfied" with their lives. Maybe we should be having more of what they're having?!

4. Don't talk politics to the drones

This one is well known but worth re-iterating. Saiiban drones are not political, at all. They don't form factions, and most of the time they don't talk unless the Hive Mind wills it - and then they all talk. It's a whole Hive Mind thing, you'll get the hang of it.

Anyway - avoid any social awkwardness by simply not voicing your opinion on any topics at all. A number of topics are especially taboo, including democracy, individualism or the Galactic UN's 1st Amendment on Universal Free Speech.

5. Don't waste money on a return ticket home!

"But I have a job, hatchlings, a nice Corvette!" you protest.

Don't say we didn't try to warn you, the statistics say it all: 99.8% of tourists who visit Saiiban love it so much they stay - forever! (The other 0.2% can't be accounted for, but they're clearly in the minority)

So save yourself the hassle and just book a one-way ticket.

In fact, if you head on over to your nearest spaceport right now you'll find that the Saiiban Tourism Board is running an amazing deal on what are effectively free flights direct to Saiiban Prime for xenos and their immediate friends and family- it almost sounds too good to be true!

 Commercial: Fly direct to Saiiban and 5 other exciting new routes with Earthport, Earth's gateway to the galaxy.

Commercial: Fly direct to Saiiban and 5 other exciting new routes with Earthport, Earth's gateway to the galaxy.

So that rounds up our Top 5 tips for travelling to Saiiban. I hope you found this article useful, and I take it we'll be seeing you there soon!

This article was paid for by the Saiiban Hive Mind Tourism Board.

> More accurate (and impartial) reporting from Heuknaize and Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

 

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