Speak to anyone coherent enough to form a reply in the Ch’aka Allied Union (CAU), and they’ll tell you about Gorgak K’tang.
Revered by those constituents that can remember him, he is famed for the introduction of a chemical bliss program across core CAU worlds several years ago. The program, available to all citizen and resident species, has seen pop happiness shoot upward by almost 40% with corresponding dramatic drops in crime and unrest. K’tang has just been elected for a fifth time in the core sector’s general election, and it’s clear his popularity is not waning - his approval sits at an unprecedented 99.5%.
However, critics from neighbouring regions have been quick to point out that since the program started, productivity, health and academic indices for the CAU have all but collapsed. Physical living conditions are poor, with infrastructure quite literally falling apart. More cynical observers highlight that K’tang has much to benefit from his constituents being in a constant euphoric stupor, noting he no longer has to fulfil mandates or really do anything in his job, other than keeping the chemicals pumping.
We interviewed K’tang to get a greater insight into the xeno behind the news.
You have been a governor of the CAU for over 40 years now. What has been the best part of your time spent as governor?
Everything my dude. It’s all great. I love it. I love you. I feel great.
What do you owe your success to?
Life. Just living. Just being. I just… Am. One time, I went to the store. It was great. I bought some fresh xaabaaga roots and then I walked home. You know, I was staring at the stars once and thought, there must be something else out there. What if there are other intelligent species out there?
I’m sorry, I don’t quite follow.
Really? That’s awesome.
What do you think is the main reason your constituents keep electing you?
They just feel the love, you know? We all love it. We just exist and love and work the farms. It’s so simple and great.
Do you think your chemical bliss program has played a role in your lengthy term in office?
Love is the glue that binds us together… it’s just, like, you know?
I’m not sure I do.
Have you tried the chemical bliss program yourself?
Whaaaaat? No way bro. My eyes are only red because, like, I'm just really hungry.
What do you say to your critics who feel the chemical bliss program just furthers your own political agenda?
I’d tell them.... this.... [sensual moaning]
Don’t touch me.
But you’re so pretty. You're a pretty lady, dude. Has anyone ever told you that?
[prolonged, icy silence]
Moving on. What are some of your policy goals going forward?
I’m going to run the sector.
But what do you plan on doing when you run the sector?
Lead it. It’s so simple and great. That’s what we do in the Ch’aka. We just exist and lead, and run farms and exist. I want everybody to figure it out some day. Just go for a walk along the seaside and relax and breathe oxygen.
What? So, what are you going to do once your political career is over?
I’m probably just going to get a job or exist or something. I want to learn to fly a space ship some day.
I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Speaking of space ships, some of the recent migrants who arrived in the core sector have suggested you aren’t doing your job as living conditions for Ch’akaans are in a state of squalor. How do you respond to that?
Wow dude. They’re being total dowers. They obviously need to come visit Ch’aka some day. Maybe they should go see a doctor at the chemical clinic. People go in sad and mad, and come out happy. It’s great.
Well, I think that’s all the questions I have for you today. I’d like to thank you for taking some time out of your busy schedule and speaking with me.
I’m not busy at all man. I just exist and lead the sector. You should check out some of our chemicals before you go.
I think I’ll pass on that, thank you.
Awesome. Just do whatever you think you should do, and do that a lot. Do it so much you’re not sure you should be doing it anymore. [sways gently] ... do you want to touch my body?
Have a good day Gorgak.
I always do.
Following this interview K'tang's approval ratings remain at an all-time high. His critics believe this is unlikely to change in the near future. They too are now considering the use of chemical bliss in their localities as a means to overcome political challenges.
More accurate interviewing from Spagruum Yu’ll could not be possible.
More accurate editing from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.