Area empire colonizes Prophet’s Retreat in move experts call “extremely reckless”
Prophet’s Retreat, Acrux System, Glaxanon-Vool Border
Leaders of the Glaxanon Republic have made the daring move of colonizing Prophet’s Retreat, one of the most beloved and precious holy worlds of the Vool Crusaders, a notoriously fervid spiritualist stagnant ascendancy.
Politicians from neighbouring spacenations were reportedly shifting uncomfortably in their seats as they watched live neural streams of Glaxanon colonists assembling remnants of their battered ship into a temporary shelter on the gaia world.
Experts in intergalactic relations have called the move “extremely reckless.” One such critic, Professor Charles Charlemagne XXI of Earth’s University of Ulm, told our newsteam;
“The Glaxanonians must be pre-sapient. They’re either going to have to leave, or they’re going to wind up in a serious war. I mean, the planet’s name is Prophet’s Retreat. Not Boldaruun II, or Iaxa Prime, or some other bland, boring name. It’s called P-r-o-p-h-e-t-’s R-e-t-r-e-a-t. Can you put clapping emojis between those letters when this is written down? No? Ok. Well. Could it be any more obvious that planet is off limits? Holy Guardians aren’t hard to keep happy. You can squish up against their borders all you want, you can colonize tomb worlds, just leave their holy planets alone.”
Ghorgax B’Kak, leader of the Glaxanon Republic, thinks the galactic community’s response has been melodramatic, stating;
“Look, it’s a pristine jewel of a planet. It doesn’t have any dangerous wildlife or difficult terrain to clear, and orbits a perfect star. It’s absolute perfection. What’s so special about it to the Vool? Surely if it was *that* important to them they would have built a frontier outpost near it or something. It's their own fault, really.”
We attempted to contact the Vool’s religious leader for comment, but his advisor went on a tangential tirade about immature materialist fools and threatened to sacrifice our reporter to the Gargantua Black Hole. After composing himself, he was able to give the short statement outlined below.
This situation has also torn a rift between the Glaxanon Republic and their federation ally, the Iferyx Amalgamated Planets. The two allies have already been at odds with each other in the past over their divergent attitudes toward spirituality and materialism, but were united in their love and passion for crushing dissent and free speech.
Iferyxi President, Lokar X’blasa fears this may be the end of their partnership, telling our reporters;
“Look, it’s not our holy world, but we can empathise with the Vool, being spiritualists ourselves. But that’s not the biggest issue here. Let’s be frank: this is going to turn into a gigantic s***show and we don’t want to get annihilated by an angry superpower. As it is, they’ve been sending us some really nasty psi-mails and we know this is going to lead to war soon. We aren’t going to let this be our ruination.”
The Yondarim Forerunners, a materialist stagnant ascendancy and longtime rival to the Vool Crusaders, were one of the few spacenations to welcome Glaxanon’s colonization effort. Verner, a member of the executive ruling council, told us:
“You can’t expect a young nation like the Glaxanon to not take such an opportunity presented in front of them. I’d also like to take this moment to preemptively strenuously deny that we put any pressure on Glaxanon leadership to colonise Prophet's Retreat. Any assertion that we threatened them with war unless they did that is hearsay and slander, and reasonable casus belli for war.”
A consortium of spiritualist nations have appealed to the Galactic UN to intervene in the colonisation. B’Kak however, remains unwilling to vacate the planet, concluding;
“It would lead to our humiliation if we left the planet now. We’re staying there no matter what. And then, we’re going to begin the process of putting our populations’ minds into synthetic bodies. We’ll be unstoppable.
> More accurate reporting from Spagruum Yu'll could not be possible.
> More accurate editing from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.