Area pop marries primitive fungoid, states "I've never been happier"
Local News from the Ulmer Gazette (Earth, Sol System, UNE)
When Ulm native Yelena Ivanov split up with her partner of two weeks, the 32 year old thought she would never find love again.
But she found love quicker than she ever expected, albeit in a more unconventional manner. Yelena is now happily married - to a primitive fungoid.
The former scientist states she's "never been happier" and is "fully devoted" to her genderless fungoid spouse, IIg.
Yelena told local reporters:
"Before, when I've had 'conventional' human relationships, they'd always end badly. My partner and I would come home from work and argue over something petty, like why planets can only have a maximum of 25 tiles. IIg is so different. He doesn't communicate, at least in any form that I can understand, so we don't argue. That's just one example why this relationship is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't care what other people say."
Yelena met IIg a month ago while working aboard a United Nations of Earth (UNE) sponsored observation post above his homeworld of Vurl. Yelena added;
"It's actually quite a funny story - I was tasked with aggressively observing this little stone age civilization of fungoids on Vurl - IIg was one of the first pops we covertly abducted for living autopsy. But just one look at his mycelium exterior and something stirred deep within me.
He - I mean, I think he's a he, that's just what I refer to him as, was thrashing as I approached him and when I unshackled him he wrapped his flagella so tightly around my neck I almost passed out. It was very sensual. From that I knew the feelings were reciprocated and that we were in love."
Since returning to Earth, Yelena added that IIg had been a comfort to her following the loss of her job and ongoing arrest warrant issued by the UNE.
"My job was very important to me, but I knew IIg was my soulmate. When I tried to convince my colleagues of this they wanted me to get a medbay evaluation. So I did what any reasonable person would do - I freed IIg and we absconded from the station using an emergency shuttle. When I got back to Earth border patrol told me I was under arrest and that I'd lost my job, but IIg did a great job in... incapacitating... them. We've been on the run ever since."
Yelena stated that while IIg has settled a life off his homeworld, at first he had some trouble adjusting to Earth.
"The first few days back were disorientating for him. He kept trying to run away from me for some reason. Well, not really run since he doesn't have legs, but kind of gyrate away from me, using this trail of slime as lubricant. He's settled down since I put a shock collar around him. It helps to remind him of his time on the observation post. He's been a huge support to me, really. Any time I approach him his tight flagella grips have kept me sane and helped me to manage my sadness and anxiety."
Last week Yelena decided to make the couple's love official and petitioned the Space Vatican to officiate their marriage. After her request was approved by Space Pope Belinda Carlisle XI, Yelena and IIg tied the knot in their safe house in Ulm two days ago.
The couple are now planning to relocate to the Asuri Republics to start a new life, as Yelena concluded;
"Humans are not very understanding of our love. Xenophobes think it's disgusting. The only thing my family wants to know is about if we're intimate - which of course I'm not going to talk about, although as an aside I will say men definitely need to invest in multiple flagellum if you know what I mean...
Anyway the Asuri are more xenophilic so they'll be more understanding of our love. Also, UNE arrest warrants don't have jurisdiction there, so that will be helpful."
Find out more about Yelena and IIg's amazing love story tomorrow morning on Xenonion's Good Morning Space.