Is this a good time to declare war? Should you prioritize power plants or science labs this year? Do you wish you could see into the future better than the average psychic? Then look no further, because I’m here to teach you about space horoscopes.
Hello friend. My name is Fõll O’Chit and I am a scientist*(1) with a whopping -80% anomaly fail risk.*(2)
How is that possible you wonder? Well, it is really quite simple. You see, my field of expertise is astrology and I have spent many years *(3) studying the stars up close.
First: What is astrology?
Astrology is the entirely scientific*(4) study of how celestial bodies*(5) that are really, really far away can affect tiny details in xeno's everyday lives depending on their time of hatching*(6), and how we can monetize xeno's strong convictions that their misfortunes are not the result of their own actions, but something that they have no control over.
It is commonplace for stone and iron age civilizations to worship large objects in the sky, and as an astrologist it is my job to find a modern application of this ancient wisdom.*(7)
One such application is the horoscope, a sort of mass-produced personal foretelling. By examining the night sky it is possible to predict*(8) the possible outcomes of a given xeno’s everyday struggles and give advice to help them make wise decisions.*(9) Sadly, the process of actually making a horoscope is very complex, time consuming and often far more than the hard working molluscoid hermaphrodite can afford to spare.
This is why I wrote “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space”, an affordable handbook for the aspiring astrologist (now available at most Trader Enclaves.)
Check out a sample of the helpful guidance my book offers below:
APPLIED ASTROLOGY: THE CONCEPT OF CONSTELLATIONS IN SPACE
Chapter 5: Stargazing - What the hell am I looking at?
The Amoeba constellation is disturbed by a comet: You have one or more tasks to complete today. You should get to it if you want to be rewarded for your work. Like seriously. Stop reading this nonsense.
The Unicorn constellation shines bright and majestic in the sky: You are reminded of promises you made long ago. You are reminded never to make promises again.
The stars of the Tiyanaki’s tentacles twinkle a little brighter than usual: You will most likely die at some point in your life. It may even be today. In the next minute.
The constellation of the Ether Drake (no longer exists since the Stellarite Devourer has consumed most of its stars): The choices you make now might have an impact on the rest of your life. Buy my other books for more guidance.
Barnard's Star in the Blorg constellation flickers shyly: This would be a good time to reach out to that one xeno you know who is going through a hard time. (We're talking about Linda from HR)
The night sky is obscured by a charging colossus: Life as you know it is about to take a drastic turn.
This was just a small snippet from my book “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space."
Did you find it helpful? I hope so! If you did, then please buy a copy - available at all disreputable retailers right now.
This article was paid for by best-selling author, Fõll O’Chit, famous for works such as “The Many Applications of Snakeoid Oil” and "Treating Javorian Pox With Gemstones."
With his most recent book “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space” he breaks down the subject of astrology in an informative and accessible way for the general public to enjoy.
*(1) O’Chit considers “scientist” to be a state of mind, rather than a profession.
*(2) This has not yet been confirmed.
*(3) 2 years on Ichatax I is equivalent to 37 days in Galactic Standard Time (GST)
*(4) Again, scientific in a spiritual, pseudoscientific sense.
*(5) I just needed to point out how kinky this sounds.
*(6) No correlation between the time of birth/hatching and behaviour of an individual has been proven as of writing this article.
*(7) The cultural behaviours of primitive civilizations should not be considered wisdom of any sort, but only attempts to understand things that are beyond the limits of their current technology.
*(8) Predictions are often so vague that it is hard to tell if the came true or not.
*(9) Advice from different sources may be conflicting. Never trust any horoscope above common sense and good manners.
*(10) Constellations can look very dissimilar when seen from different parts of the galaxy, or indeed different parts of a planet.