Notification spam prompts area pacifists to consider becoming fanatical purifiers

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Scyldari leadership is tonight considering completely ditching the space nation’s longstanding ethos of pacifism and xenophilia in favor of becoming fanatical purifiers, after having received a record-breaking 3.7 trillion inane diplomatic notifications in the last 24 hours.

The outward-looking Scyldari have historically had high levels of contact with other species from across the galaxy, and as such they have often fielded a substantial number of diplomatic notifications.

However, recent reports from the Scyldari Foreign Office indicate both diplomats and computer systems alike are struggling to cope with an increasing flurry of notifications as hundreds of space-nations simultaneously expand and interact with each other.

Image: Scyldari Foreign Office computers are struggling to cope with high levels of inane diplomatic notifications.

Image: Scyldari Foreign Office computers are struggling to cope with high levels of inane diplomatic notifications.

Scyldari diplomat Cali J’Bassim told Xenonion News:

“Here at the Foreign Office on Scyldaria, we have relied on diplomatic notifications to keep us abreast of important developments in our local cluster, as every species does.

At first these notifications were important, like ‘FYI the hegemonic imperialists next door have declared war on you’, or ‘another six scientists were pointlessly lost at that archeology site.’ But as our xeno contact has increased, so too have the notifications… exponentially.

We’re now getting hundreds of notifications that two empires we never really interact with are repeatedly opening and closing borders to each other, or that irrelevant MegaCorp on the other side of the galaxy has entered into a commercial pact with a backwater we don’t care about. And that’s only the tip of the metaphorical iceberg. It just got too much.”

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The Scyldari Foreign office highlights that over the last three months it has been fielding an average of 1.2 trillion diplomatic notifications per day.

Common messages include:

  • Borders opened

  • That species you interacted once with has entered a research agreement with that other species that look a bit funny

  • Borders closed

  • Two space nations have formed a laughably small federation

  • Borders opened again, but then quickly closed

  • The laughably small federation has given some irrelevant species association status

With no option to filter or mute messages, the Scyldari Foreign Office has had to employ 233 million Scyldari pops to manually sift through notifications until an automated system can be implemented.

The Scyldari Prosperity Faction estimates that the cost of employing the entire population of Scyldaria as interns and terraforming the planet into a Foreign Office ecumenopolis will cripple the space nation’s budget by 2260. As such, leaders are now seriously considering switching to xenophobic and militaristic ethos in a bid to quell the diplomatic spam.

Scyldari president Dackam addressed the issue in a press conference earlier today. He stated:

“Scyldari philosophy is one of balance and moderation in all things. Sadly, there is no balance and moderation in diplomatic notifications.

We cannot stem the tide of these notifications. As such, we must address the root of the problem. We must destroy their very source… the other xenos.”

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His speech was met with universal approval across Scyldari society, and indeed from most other space nations who are grappling with similar problems.

However, the proposed switch from polar opposite ethos would be unprecedented in modern space history. In his closing remarks at the press conference, Dackam acknowledged this, stating; “I guess first we just need to figure out how to actually switch ethos. Anyone?”

Shares in Colossus-grade weapons on the Space Exchange Index (SEXI) rose dramatically on the news.

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