New evidence for galactic warming, "the galaxy has warmed before" say skeptics

ISS Palaver Science Nexus, Alpha System

Scientists from across the galaxy are congregating for the first Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) aboard the ISS Palaver Science Nexus in the Galactic UN-controlled Alpha System.

The conference has been convened following recent reports from multiple species that the galactic ambient deep space temperature has increased from 2.7260K to 2.7261K. Scientists are alarmed as it is believed that if the temperature rises 0.0001K further, the galaxy may melt and dribble unceremoniously into the centre of the universe.

  Image: Deep space temperatures have risen dramatically over the last century

Image: Deep space temperatures have risen dramatically over the last century

The first paper to warn about the temperature rise, Slowly Burning To Death In A Spaceless Void (K. Vesh et al, 2248) theorised that the phenomena is being caused by interstellar traffic emissions. It warns that the consequences of rising temperatures are already beginning, including altered migration patterns of ancient mining drones, and bleaching of environmentally-sensitive crystalline entities.

Pro-environmental groups, mainly composed of plantoids, have seized on the research and begun lobbying the Galactic UN to abolish FTL and utilize emission-neutral space amoeba for transport.

Materialistic empires and major corporations have rounded on the above suggestions, highlighting that although recent domestication efforts to obtain amoeba milk have been mildly successful, the proposal would be prohibitively expensive.

Nax Golsrig, CEO of CybrexCorp commented:

"Like their capacity to produce milk, space amoebas' migratory patterns are highly irregular. It's likely commuters would be waiting on average 17 years to hitch a ride to their desired star system."

Golsrig refused to comment on whether CybrexCorp should be doing more to combat galactic warming, adding "we'll develop a sentient AI program to figure it out."

  Image: ”Bleached” entities are significantly weaker than ordinary Crystalline entities

Image: ”Bleached” entities are significantly weaker than ordinary Crystalline entities

Public opinion is mixed on the recent warnings, with a number of high profile outspoken xenophobes decrying it as 'big government scare stories'.

Outspoken irrationalist Glenn Beck, a xenophobic human that uploaded his consciousness to the Shroud over 150 years ago to allow him to be angry forever, sent us this message by TeleShroud:

"The galaxy has warmed before! This is all a conspiracy by the Galactic UN, moving ever forward to ONE UNIVERSE GOVERNMENT. You don't need a science degree or a neuronal IQ enhancing implant to know that."

The first Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) begins this evening with a grand gala ball, and is expected to run for the next 3 years, funded by galactic taxpayers.

> More accurate reporting from Xan’dolf Leexidanaca could not be possible.