De’Naar, Das’shegan, Tak’fir Conglomerate
Today marks the fifth day of continuous insults between the molluscoid Tak’fir Conglomerate and their fellow molluscoid vassal, the Shev’nasar Nation.
The Shev’nasar are notorious for being hostile to their overlords, but have always backed up the Tak’fir in galactic conflicts, including the highly controversial 7 Day War, which saw the Tak’fir purge several non-molluscoid species in the local cluster.
There is speculation that the insults are just tradition amongst the two notoriously brazen empires, but more recently tensions have escalated after the Shev’nasar abandoned all diplomatic language and referred to their overlords as “incompetent piles of feces” and “giant douches, and not the good kind.”
The Tak’fir have responded in kind with a galactic memo stating “We wouldn’t be your overlords if you hadn’t begged us to protect you.” It concluded with, “Also, shut up, you have like one planet.”
Despite the above, neither side has announced severing diplomatic ties. However, galactic pundits are anticipating the Shev’nasar will soon declare a war of independence against their overlords. Inside sources from De’Naar indicate the Tak’fir would potentially view this outcome as favourable, as it’s been a number of months since they’ve been able to purge anything but plantoids.
The Galactic UN has today stepping in to try and quell rising tensions, adding:
“We appreciate the fact that the these two empires have avoided war for this long, but at this point it has just become annoying. Like, more annoying than the Blorg. We just want this whole ordeal over with. Please for the love of the Worm, stop fighting with words and start killing each other. Just do it. We don’t even care if you purge each other out of existence. Actually, that would be preferable to your tireless squabbling.”
Shares in galactic armament corporations rose on the news.
> More accurate reporting from Xan’dolf Leexidanaca could not be possible.