Entertainment

Human celebrity changes his name to 'What Was Will Be'

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Human music artist Canyon East has changed his name to ‘What Was Will Be.’

Announcing the change via Shroud today, East thought-broadcast;

“The being formally known as Canyon East has submitted to the Coils of God. I rendezvous with the Messenger, and welcome the End in the Beginning. I Will Be What Was, for What Was Will Be.”

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Stars In The Stars celebrity reporter Vapid Smith offered more in-depth analysis on Xenonion News this morning:

“East is joining a number of galactic celebrities that have changed their name to ‘What Was Will Be’. We saw it first with socialite Kym Calrissian after she went on that strange pilgrimage to the Gargantua Black Hole, and more recently with Blorg pin-up model Mercedes Romero. We think it’s to do with some new, ultra-secret religious movement. It seems to be the hottest thing going - we haven’t seen this much fervor on Earth since Scientology became the majority shareholder in Catholicism.”

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Little is known about this new religious movement, as Smith continued;

“It’s been really hard to get any info. All I know for sure is a ‘Worm’ figure seems to be at the centre of it all, and there’s a lot of non-descript chatter about gravity being really desirable. Call me old fashioned, but for now I think I’ll stick with the ritualistic blood sacrifices of Scientology’s Old Testament 2.0.”

East has also indicated the ‘WWWB’ moniker will be the title for a new album that will feature over 170 hours of ‘reflective silence.’

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Xenonion News granted Literary Award, reports Xenonion News

 Image: The Xenonion News team are presented with the Literary Award at the annual interplanetary Galactic UN conference, held this year in Stockholm, Earth.

Image: The Xenonion News team are presented with the Literary Award at the annual interplanetary Galactic UN conference, held this year in Stockholm, Earth.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)

In an exclusive interview with Xenonion News, Xenonion News has confirmed it was the recipient of the Galactic UN's prestigious Literary Award.

The award was presented at the recent interplanetary Galactic UN conference, held this year in Stockholm, a northern suburb of the UNE's capital of Ulm.

The Galactic UN's Meta Committee awarded the prize to Xenonion News for its contribution to space journalism, and in particular its role in countering 'fake news' through a hefty investment in orbital mind control lasers across the galaxy's most populated planets.

 Image: One of Xenonion News' orbital mind control platforms in action.

Image: One of Xenonion News' orbital mind control platforms in action.

The committee also highlighted Xenonion News' extremely high reader satisfaction scores, based on multiple definitely independent surveys conducted by Xenonion's Psionic Data Analytics Department, in association with Frontier Health's Nerve Stapling Program.

Xenonion News, the galaxy's largest biweekly news provider, is the first news organisation to win the prize since Purging Today won the award in 2131.

Staff at Xenonion News are hopeful that in addition to receiving the honor of the Literary Award, they can also obtain the coveted Literacy Award - however critics point out this is unlikely to happen owing to long-running misuse of the term 'intergalactic' in several articles.

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On a serious note, all of us at the Xenonion News team would like to thank you the reader, the Stellaris community and the Paradox team for being so amazingly supportive of us over the last two years. It's been a huge honor to receive this award, let alone have anyone read or watch our ramblings. Here's to another great year of sharing weird and wonderful news from the Stellaris universe with you!

 

Stage stormed during Ether Drake's Xenovision performance

 Image: The Ether Drake performing at Xenovision moments before he was interrupted by a stage invader.

Image: The Ether Drake performing at Xenovision moments before he was interrupted by a stage invader.

Tyznnia, Sal'Tyznn System, Tyznn Empire

Organizers of the Xenovision Song Contest are investigating how a stage invader managed to storm the Ether Drake’s performance last night on Tyznnia.

Broadcaster TeleShroud said an inquiry was already under way into the incident, which saw the stage invader immediately devoured by the Ether Drake.

Xenovision is the galaxy’s longest running annual music contest, currently in its 863rd year with over 20,000 species competing. Each participant submits an original song which is performed during the 3-7 month long contest, and viewers vote to determine the winning entry. The process was originally devised by the Galactic UN as a tool to foster interstellar peace, but that immediately came undone following the Blorg's first entry in the contest in 2150 with 'Riverdance.'

The Ether Drake’s performance of ‘Baby Drake’ was highly anticipated and billed as a ‘comeback’ from his recent year long stint at in rehab at St. Frontier Hospital for eating fans.

Unfortunately the graphic incident dented support from xenophiles, the program’s largest target audience, and the Ether Drake placed second last out of 21,135 entrants.

Indie band Spectral Wraith won the contest with their ethereal dance number ‘Pulsars.’ They had long been an early favourite, alongside The Great Khan’s angsty power ballad ‘Mid Game Crisis’ which finished in second place.

 Image: The vote was extremely narrow between the top two entrants at this year's Xenovision.

Image: The vote was extremely narrow between the top two entrants at this year's Xenovision.

Following the event, the Ether Drake tweeted;

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TeleShroud have announced the stage invader’s remains will be detained for questioning, once they have been released by the Ether Drake’s several kilometre long digestive tract.

This year’s contest was its most watched, with an average of 39 billion viewers watching live, with 5.9 billion catching up later with TeleShroud’s Temporal Fold Rewind Time function.

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Royal family confirm prince to wed Prethoryn Queen

 Image: The happy couple give an exclusive interview to our sister magazine HAK!

Image: The happy couple give an exclusive interview to our sister magazine HAK!

Habsburgia, Strohl System, Habsburg Irenic Monarchy

Prince Harren IV of the Habsburg dynasty has said he knew The Prethoryn Queen was “the one” from the moment they met, as the couple made their first public appearance since the announcement of their engagement.

The Prince, 33, declared he is “thrilled” as he and the Queen, a xeno of unknown age and species, posed for an open-air photocall at the Grand Habsburg Palace.

Their surprise engagement was confirmed yesterday by Empress Maria Theresa XIV, current reigning monarch on the planet of Habsburgia, with a statement saying the couple will marry early next week.

Second in line to the Habsburg throne, Harren has been dating the Prethoryn Queen for almost four weeks. Their whirlwind romance has shocked the staunchly pro-human one-planet minor of Habsburgia, especially as it comes only one week after Harren's beloved sister-bride-to-be Maria Theresa XV died under suspicious circumstances.

Harren is said to have met The Prethoryn Queen while undertaking humanitarian work in the Outer Rim, which has been decimated by the ongoing Unbidden invasion. There he came across a new species referring to themselves as ‘The Prethoryn Vanguards’, who introduced the pair.

Celebrity magazine HAK! met with the happy couple for an exclusive interview.

The Prethoryn Queen, while silent except for intermittently vocalizing "HAK", appeared stunning wearing a beautiful silver tiara above her giant bulging eye. Her tendrils were beautifully manicured, visibly wrapped around Harren's torso, and seemingly protruding into his spinal cord via the base of his skull.

The prince, with a glazed look of excitement, stated:

"I am overjoyed. From the moment my Queen penetrated my cervical spine I knew I had to marry her over my sister. I know I must grant her all my landed titles, once I ascend to the throne following my mother and brother disappearing in a tragic hunting accident. I know she will use her power for good, to pit the lesser species against each other, to distract them from the coming storm."

Habsburgia sits on the border of the United Nations of Earth (UNE) and unclaimed space. Governed as an independent irenic monarchy, it was settled in 2090 by descendants of the Habsburg family, an ancient dynasty that previously presided over Earth's largest power in the pre-industrial era, the Holy Roman Empire (HRE).

Earth’s current indirect democracy has not officially recognised the monarchy since its democratization 700 years ago, but despite this the Habsburg dysnasty has flourished, maintaining significant prestige and wealth. With the advent of FTL travel by 2070, they launched a private colony ship towards the Strohl System, with a view to founding a colony and re-establishing their rule. Over 80 years later the colony has been a moderate success, and now has a population of 250,000 humans.

While the UNE has never given its explicit blessing to the Habsburgia project, it tolerates its existence on the condition the planet pays taxation fees to Earth in line with other human colonies.

The galaxy has reacted positively to the news of the engagement, with politicians and high-profile figures offering congratulations. UNE president Jeffrey Rossario stated he was "delighted for the couple and wished them +1 stability."

The couple's full interview will be broadcast later this evening on an exclusive episode of Stars In The Stars.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

 

Mercedes Romero crowned winner of Blorg's Next Top Fungoid

 Image: The promo for the highly anticipated Season 4 of BNTF.

Image: The promo for the highly anticipated Season 4 of BNTF.

Blorg Prime, Blorg System, Blorg Commonality

Award-winning Blorg scientist Mercedes Romero was crowned the winner of Blorg's Next Top Fungoid Season 4 last night.

The gripping finale was broadcast live over the neural net and watched by a record number of 1.3 million Blorgs.

Romero, credited with the discovery of the 'Armor +5%' technology, was a fan favorite from the beginning of the reality TV show wherein 15 native Blorg compete to make social contact with any form of sentient life.

She gained notoriety after joining the show as the youngest contestant (aged 135), and became cemented as a fan favorite after exchanging eye contact with a fellow Blorg contestant in Episode 1.

Romero has subsequently announced plans to make a run for the presidency of the Blorg Commonality, following the paths of previous Next Top Fungoid winners and generations of Blorg scientists before her.

Keep your intra-cranial receptor chip tuned! The finale of Blorg's Next Top Fungoid will be aired on Xenonion Entertainment tonight, 20:00 GST / 02:00 Shroud.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.