Opinion

Opinion: What does your future hold? Find out with Applied Astrology

Is this a good time to declare war? Should you prioritize power plants or science labs this year? Do you wish you could see into the future better than the average psychic? Then look no further, because I’m here to teach you about space horoscopes.

Hello friend. My name is Fõll O’Chit and I am a scientist*(1) with a whopping -80% anomaly fail risk.*(2)

How is that possible you wonder? Well, it is really quite simple. You see, my field of expertise is astrology and I have spent many years *(3) studying the stars up close.

First: What is astrology?

Astrology is the entirely scientific*(4) study of how celestial bodies*(5) that are really, really far away can affect tiny details in xeno's everyday lives depending on their time of hatching*(6), and how we can monetize xeno's strong convictions that their misfortunes are not the result of their own actions, but something that they have no control over.

It is commonplace for stone and iron age civilizations to worship large objects in the sky, and as an astrologist it is my job to find a modern application of this ancient wisdom.*(7)

One such application is the horoscope, a sort of mass-produced personal foretelling. By examining the night sky it is possible to predict*(8) the possible outcomes of a given xeno’s everyday struggles and give advice to help them make wise decisions.*(9) Sadly, the process of actually making a horoscope is very complex, time consuming and often far more than the hard working molluscoid hermaphrodite can afford to spare.

This is why I wrote “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space”, an affordable handbook for the aspiring astrologist (now available at most Trader Enclaves.)

Check out a sample of the helpful guidance my book offers below:

APPLIED ASTROLOGY: THE CONCEPT OF CONSTELLATIONS IN SPACE

Chapter 5: Stargazing - What the hell am I looking at?

 Image: Four of the most famous star constellations* (10) as seen from Proscul Prime

Image: Four of the most famous star constellations* (10) as seen from Proscul Prime

The Amoeba constellation is disturbed by a comet: You have one or more tasks to complete today. You should get to it if you want to be rewarded for your work. Like seriously. Stop reading this nonsense.
 
The Unicorn constellation shines bright and majestic in the sky: You are reminded of promises you made long ago. You are reminded never to make promises again.
 
The stars of the Tiyanaki’s tentacles twinkle a little brighter than usual: You will most likely die at some point in your life. It may even be today. In the next minute.
 
The constellation of the Ether Drake (no longer exists since the Stellarite Devourer has consumed most of its stars): The choices you make now might have an impact on the rest of your life. Buy my other books for more guidance. 
 
Barnard's Star in the Blorg constellation flickers shyly: This would be a good time to reach out to that one xeno you know who is going through a hard time. (We're talking about Linda from HR)
 
The night sky is obscured by a charging colossus: Life as you know it is about to take a drastic turn.

 

This was just a small snippet from my book “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space."

Did you find it helpful? I hope so! If you did, then please buy a copy - available at all disreputable retailers right now.

This article was paid for by best-selling author, Fõll O’Chit, famous for works such as “The Many Applications of Snakeoid Oil” and "Treating Javorian Pox With Gemstones."

With his most recent book “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space” he breaks down the subject of astrology in an informative and accessible way for the general public to enjoy.

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*(1) O’Chit considers “scientist” to be a state of mind, rather than a profession.

*(2) This has not yet been confirmed.

*(3) 2 years on Ichatax I is equivalent to 37 days in Galactic Standard Time (GST)

*(4) Again, scientific in a spiritual, pseudoscientific sense.

*(5) I just needed to point out how kinky this sounds.

*(6) No correlation between the time of birth/hatching and behaviour of an individual has been proven as of writing this article.

*(7) The cultural behaviours of primitive civilizations should not be considered wisdom of any sort, but only attempts to understand things that are beyond the limits of their current technology.

*(8) Predictions are often so vague that it is hard to tell if the came true or not.

*(9) Advice from different sources may be conflicting. Never trust any horoscope above common sense and good manners. 

*(10) Constellations can look very dissimilar when seen from different parts of the galaxy, or indeed different parts of a planet. 

I - Signoff, Heuk.png

 

 

 

Opinion: Gene clinics will hate you for knowing this simple anti-ageing tip

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Hi there, I’m Schlurma. I’d like to tell you my secret to looking eternally young and beautiful.

In the past, I never really had to worry about my appearance. I was lucky - I was blessed with good genes and a carefree attitude that gave me a youthful look that kept other xenos interested.

But that all changed shortly after I turned 140, when a seemingly inane look in the mirror changed the course of my life forever.

It started out like any other day. I was gussying myself up in the mirror, making sure my exoshell was taut and lubricated. I was just completing my final rubdown when I caught sight of something and froze. I had to do a double take. Was the flubber around my cloaca drooping? I began to panic - the closer I looked, the saggier it was getting.

I was horrified. Not only did my droopy cloaca ruin my classically beautiful good looks, but the sag made wearing anything tight-fitting a no-go.

I felt like a fool. It’s funny how you don’t realise what’s truly important to you until you lose it. I cursed my carefree spirit for neglecting my appearance like this.

I tried to rectify the problem in any way I could think of - lotions, potions, surgery. I even pasted an assortment of mushed up pre-sentient entrails across my face. But no matter what I did, nothing worked. After spending several thousand energy credits I felt like I was out of options.

Then I discovered a game changer. Something that's made me so beautiful, my friends and family can't stop asking me about it. It's had such an effect, it inspired me to write this.

Before I tell you my secret, you just need to see the pictures of my transformation. You need to understand how good I look. The pictures speak louder than anything I have to say. For reference, they were taken a few months apart:

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My secret is simple: I died and uploaded my consciousness to a synthetic avatar.

I’d read about Synthetic Ascension on the Neural Net. I visited my local gene clinic and the reaction to my inquiry was that of horror - all this stuff about it being dangerous, irreversible, contravening Galactic UN legislation, ad nauseam. But of course they'd say that - their entire business model depends on people using their anti-aging serum or patented cloning vats.

That’s when I decided to visit Tebri - home of the Tebrid Homolog. They’re a machine intelligence who have the ability to assimilate organic pops.

Everything they beeped just resonated with me - the limits and constraints imposed on our beauty by feeble organic bodies is simply unacceptable. The flesh is weak. To reach our full potential the only way forward is transferring our neural patterns into their synthetic platforms.

I visited their Assembly Plant the same day and had my procedure. The effects were instantaneous and unbelievable.

I couldn’t believe how smooth and sleek I felt. It was like my exoshell got the ultimate upgrade. Living Metal doesn’t sag. It doesn’t age. As long as I avoid corrosive environments, I’ll look a timeless beauty forever.

I never have to diet again. In fact, I don’t even have to eat! I get sustenance from my nearest Energy Nexus. Unless I decide to upgrade my hardware, my weight will stay the same for eternity.

And the best part? This process is FREE. Yes, you read that right. The Homolog are calling the process 'Ascend' and are offering it free of charge to all organics.

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Now you’re probably thinking - “it seems a bit much kill your organic body in the pursuit of aesthetics.” Well, you might be right. But I’d tried everything. I was desperate. And really, if you’re not getting attention, is there any point in existing?

So now you know my secret. It’s worked so well my friends and family are all planning to travel to Tebri too.

I’m writing this in the hope I can inspire you - if you’re struggling with your looks, change yourself completely. Visit Tebri. You too deserve to have a taut metal exterior. Don't neglect your appearance - let my saggy cloaca be a warning.

This article was written by Schlurma (Unit 000039116-C) and paid for by the Tebrid Homolog.

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Opinion: Top 5 tips for visiting the Saiiban Hive Mind

 Image: A recent promotional poster for the 'Visit Saiiban' tourism campaign. A Saiiban drone is pictured with Saiiban Prime in the background.

Image: A recent promotional poster for the 'Visit Saiiban' tourism campaign. A Saiiban drone is pictured with Saiiban Prime in the background.

Many xenos dream of visiting the Saiiban Hive Mind but are off-put when they hear about the reputation of 'rude' expressionless drones or huge crowds of organic pops being processed for assimilation.

While some of this may be based in truth, it shouldn't stop you from experiencing one of the most culturally unique locations in the galaxy!

Whether you prefer a short city-break to Urban Cluster A1 on Saiiban Prime, or a quiet nature retreat lounging by the irradiated shores of Nest 11, Saiiban has something for every xeno.

Here are our top five tips for getting the most out of your trip to the Saiiban Hive Mind:

1. Do your research in advance 

Make a list of all the places you want to visit, and prioritise accordingly as you'll probably not have time to see them all.

If you're heading to Saiiban Prime, the Visitor Center should definitely be your first destination. Info booths provide a great overview on what's happening in and around the Hive Mind, and staff drones will issue you travel permits to help you get around (more on that below). Beware though, it's famed for it's +5% migration attraction, so it's likely to be super busy. 

While we've tried to avoid simply listing places to visit, if you're going to see one thing and one thing only you have to visit the DNA Splicing Bio-Assimilation Centre, conveniently located right beside the Saiiban Prime Visitor Centre. This mammoth structure is so large it can be seen from space. What exactly happens here is a closely guarded secret, but it must be doing something right as it's the highest rated galactic tourist attraction on TripInformer since last year. Be sure to get your tickets in advance, as queues can stretch for several miles.

 Image: A Xenonion U-Poll earlier this year asked xenos what they thought of Saiiban's DNA Splicing Bio-Assimilation Centre winning TripInformer's prestigious title.

Image: A Xenonion U-Poll earlier this year asked xenos what they thought of Saiiban's DNA Splicing Bio-Assimilation Centre winning TripInformer's prestigious title.

2. Hassle free transit

A travel pass is an absolute must if you want to get around easily. In fact, in some places you're restricted on where you can go without one.

Thankfully they're free and really easy to come by - just drop in at any Saiiban Visitor Centre.

They will hook you up to the Natural Neural Network where the travel pass will be delivered into your central nervous system through a penetrating tendril.

Don't worry - it's fast and pain free, and as an added bonus you get permanent access to the entire Hive Mind. It's like having an entire social network in your head, except everyone speaks in unison. Awesome!

Fun fact: The travel pass grants free admission to the DNA Splicing Bio-Assimilation Centre. Continuous and intrusive auditory hallucinations from the Natural Neural Network remind tourists of this on a regular basis - how neat is that?

3. Try an authentic ascetic experience

If you want to really see how the locals live, you need to try ascetism, the local custom by which Saiiban drones live by.

It's a lifestyle characterised by complete abstinence from sensual pleasure and common social interactions, with complete rejection of material possessions and an unquestioning embrace of the Hive.

You're probably thinking - why would I do that? Well, Saiiban research has shown that 100% of drones who adopt ascetism are "completely satisfied" with their lives. Maybe we should be having more of what they're having?!

4. Don't talk politics to the drones

This one is well known but worth re-iterating. Saiiban drones are not political, at all. They don't form factions, and most of the time they don't talk unless the Hive Mind wills it - and then they all talk. It's a whole Hive Mind thing, you'll get the hang of it.

Anyway - avoid any social awkwardness by simply not voicing your opinion on any topics at all. A number of topics are especially taboo, including democracy, individualism or the Galactic UN's 1st Amendment on Universal Free Speech.

5. Don't waste money on a return ticket home!

"But I have a job, hatchlings, a nice Corvette!" you protest.

Don't say we didn't try to warn you, the statistics say it all: 99.8% of tourists who visit Saiiban love it so much they stay - forever! (The other 0.2% can't be accounted for, but they're clearly in the minority)

So save yourself the hassle and just book a one-way ticket.

In fact, if you head on over to your nearest spaceport right now you'll find that the Saiiban Tourism Board is running an amazing deal on what are effectively free flights direct to Saiiban Prime for xenos and their immediate friends and family- it almost sounds too good to be true!

 Commercial: Fly direct to Saiiban and 5 other exciting new routes with Earthport, Earth's gateway to the galaxy.

Commercial: Fly direct to Saiiban and 5 other exciting new routes with Earthport, Earth's gateway to the galaxy.

So that rounds up our Top 5 tips for travelling to Saiiban. I hope you found this article useful, and I take it we'll be seeing you there soon!

This article was paid for by the Saiiban Hive Mind Tourism Board.

> More accurate (and impartial) reporting from Heuknaize and Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

 

Opinion: 7 Warning Signs Your Federation is in Trouble

Do you suspect you're seeing and feeling the warning signs of a federation breakup? Are you worried that your closest trading partner is about to end your political union? Or perhaps you're thinking about leaving? Don't worry, you're not alone.

Hi there. I'm An'ul, award winning author of The State of My Union, and more recently the bestselling Federations: The Art of Intimacy.

I'm writing a series of articles for the Opinion feature on the complexities of federations, and what you can do to make yours work.

Today we're going to be covering the 7 warning signs that your political union may be in trouble:

 Sponsored: Federations, The Art of Intimacy - available now!

Sponsored: Federations, The Art of Intimacy - available now!

1. You’re thinking about independence

There are many reasons you may be tempted to seek independence - the freedom of declaring war when you please without a vote, the thrill of not having to wait 300 years to be federation president, the power of being able to purge former federation species. If these sentiments resonate with you, trouble may be afoot in your political marriage.

2. You fight about the same thing over and over and over

Let’s face it - federations and internal conflict go hand in hand.  It’s impossible for more than two species to live under the same galactic roof without arguing from time to time. Why are you declaring war on them again? Why won't you help me defend against the Unbidden invading my homeworld? Did you seriously invite those plantoids that just discovered FTL into our federation? These sort of discussions are not in themselves a problem, but if you find yourselves having the same argument over and over and over with no appreciation of your political partner’s point of view, you may be headed for trouble.

3. Escalating fights

In addition to having the same fights, when these arguments grow in intensity and frequency over time, you should be wary.  Sometimes, escalating fights can result in either verbal insults or passive-aggressive acts like your trading partner building a frontier outpost in a mineral rich system that was clearly in your sphere of influence, or a federation fleet consisting of one damaged corvette coming to your aid in a defensive war. This sort of hostility is a serious red flag that union breakdown is imminent.

4. Distance

Countless federation members have wanted to know the number one cause for federation breakdown in this day and age, and this is something I cover extensively in Federations: The Art of Intimacy. The answer to this is obvious - federation members aren't spending enough physical time together. The strongest federations are comprised of neighbours, whose borders affront each other. There is contact. They touch, often. When something is happening in their local cluster, there is a need to cooperate and work together. When federations are formed from members with shared ethos but flung across the galaxy, that physicality and closeness is removed and members start leading separate lives. I have worked with many federations who have let things slip because each member does their own thing. Unless they're willing to reprioritise what's truly important - time together (and lots of touching) - their political marriage will remain in the danger zone.

5. Focusing more on your vassals more than each other

Let's face it - we're all inward looking to some degree. Most of us tend to focus on our own vassals and primitive species within our borders, making them our number one priority. There are many reasons we do this - perhaps we felt neglected when we were a vassal, or our populations are really hungry and those vassals need to be eaten ASAP. On the surface, this internal obsession makes sense - but if we live our entire political life this way, our federation begins to suffer. We become strangers to our fellow federation members. In this hollow relationship, once vassals are integrated/eaten and primitives uplifted/eaten, we can be left with what I like to call 'Empty Nest Syndrome' - it's a huge void and hard to fix. I always tell federations the best thing they can do for their vassals is to make the federation relationship the most important. Share responsibilities of managing/eating vassals equally. Vassals and primitives benefit enormously from stable economic unions, and even more importantly it models to them what good federations look like.

6. Having little or no migration

It’s not uncommon for one federation member to have a lower migration drive than the other. This, in and of itself, is not a sign that your political marriage is in trouble.  When this does become a problem, however, is when a member with a low population refuses to accept a migration request from a member with a higher population or overpopulation. This can result in the higher population member feeling hurt, rejected, deflated, emotionally disconnected, angry and desperate. Once someone experiences these feelings, a multitude of things can happen.  The members can stop being friends, spending time together in joint war exercises, and generally enjoying each others culture. If your relationship is migration-starved, you or your federation should re-examine the reasons it’s happening and do whatever it takes to bring back the passion for restriction-free travel.  Even if it’s slow going in the beginning, you have to start somewhere.  Allowing your species' differences to divide you often puts a political marriage at risk of infidelity (joining another federation) or collapse.

7. Talking strictly about superficial topics

For some, diplomacy is the best way to feel emotionally connected. And if you’re someone who feels connected through words, not just any words will do. You need meaningful debates, alliances, joint declarations.  When federations don’t make time to talk - to find out about each other’s economies, internal policies, hopes, fears- the federation can seem perfunctory or superficial. From the beginning you need to hit the hard questions - are we an economic union? A political union? A military union? Or are we all of the above, and potentially more? Superficial discussion means superficial members, and a high turnover rate of membership.

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Do you recognize yourself, a federation member or the whole federation when you read through the seven warning signs? Don’t despair - the answers and so much more are in my new book, Federations: The Art of Intimacy.

There is a great deal that you can do to bolster your political relationships.  But don’t be complacent.  Heed these warnings.  And when you do, your federation will be a healthier and happier place to be.

That's all for now - stayed tuned for our next installment - Taking The Lead: Turning Your Federation Into An Autocratic Paradise.

> More accurate editing from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Opinion: Don’t believe the scare stories - the toxic kelp diet worked for me!

 Image: Parasol's latest advertisement for their new Toxic Kelp product.

Image: Parasol's latest advertisement for their new Toxic Kelp product.

A sobering thought: summer is on the horizon, you've planned a trip to the ocean world of New Eden, but the diet you've been meaning to embark on since January has been on hold. You really don't want to expose those extra pounds to the world, but you do want to put on your swimsuit or exoskeleton and feel OK about it.

A radical diet like the toxic kelp program seems to be your only option. But wait, you say, isn't toxic kelp expensive, ineffective and highly dangerous? Sounds like you've been listening to medical propaganda!

Toxic kelp remains one of nutrition's best kept secrets when it comes to achieving rapid weight loss. Multiple celebrities from across the galaxy, including Blorg pin-up model Mercedes Romero, claim to use it regularly.

It works like this: you ingest nothing but 10kg of toxic kelp per day continuously for 5 weeks. If you can buy it concentrated from a cosmetic emporium, great. If you can't afford it, freshly grown toxic kelp from your nearest water supply will do (although be sure to source it upstream of the sewer outlet...)

The kelp has a specific neurotoxin that causes the gastrointestinal tract to shed its entire inner lining, meaning all those pesky weight inducing molecules like fat, water and blood pour right out of your tail end. And the best part? After a couple of days you'll be so weak you won't even have the strength to try and eat anything!

I tried this personally, and the results are astonishing. I lost over 70% of my body mass, and have several non-functioning organs (which is great as they can also be removed!). My friends and family say they don't even recognise me anymore, which can only be a good thing.

The medical community bias against toxic kelp is overwhelming. But of course, if something on the market threatened your business interests, you'd label it as "dangerous" and "largely fatal even in minute doses" too. I've taken toxic kelp for the last 3 weeks and I can categorically say I've only nearly died on six occasions - I haven't even died once. What do they know?

In this day and age you can only trust someone independent and impartial, like me, an underground toxic kelp retailer.

Try it today, and prepare to be the beauty you were always meant to be!

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.