Politics

Colossus lost to lone Strike Craft

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The Voor Technocracy has been left reeling after its flagship Colossus-class planet cracker, the Quietus, was destroyed by a lone strike craft from the Keth Cooperative.

It is thought the Keth victory may break a deadlock in the 53 year-long border war between the two neighbouring space-nations which has engulfed the mid-Rim.

The tiny strike craft, Salmon One, was piloted by Keth native Luuk Skalvåker, who is now being hailed as a hero across the cluster.

It appears however the attack on the Colossus was entirely opportunistic, as the Salmon One had accidentally got left behind its carrier ship when the Keth fleet retreated from a failed incursion of Voor space. While Skalvåker was piloting home through enemy territory, he stumbled across the idle Quietus in the Scheat System.

The Colossus had only been constructed 1 year earlier by the Voor Technocracy at a huge cost. It had just completed a trial-run of planet cracking in Voor Space before it was to be set upon Keth core worlds.

Skalvåker, automatically set to aggressive stance, engaged the much larger Colossus with no choice in the matter. For five long years he vigorously attacked the gargantuan ship before eventually causing its weapon system to fail and explode, killing all ten thousand crew on board.

Skalvåker spoke of the attack to local news on returning home:

“My strategy was… well I didn’t have a strategy. I wasn’t doing anything to be honest. Luckily my Strike Craft’s ability to bypass shields and focus on armor plating meant it could actually do a little damage to the Quietus. Wearing down the armor was a slow process though, I just barely exceeded it’s monthly hull regeneration. It was a long five years, let me tell you.”

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Voor leadership has come under heavy criticism for both the loss of its flagship weapon, and as to why the Quietus was left undefended for such a protracted period of time.

Emperor Daft Fader of the Voor Technocracy released this statement at a press conference this morning:

"First of all I want to make it absolutely clear that the Strike Craft did not take out our most formidable weapon on its own- well technically it did since it was alone with the Colossus when she exploded, BUT much of the damage was caused by a large fleet battle six years prior to its destruction. So… there’s that.

Now, a lot of you are questioning where the Voor Fleets where when the Quietus was being attacked. Well… when you've ruled a large empire like mine for as long as I have, eventually you stop paying attention to the little "hostile fleet detected" notifications. My TeleShroud pager would've been buzzing non-stop otherwise. I assume most governments officials do the same thing. It pains me to say I was simply not aware that our Colossus was under attack."

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Leaked documents reveal Commonwealth of Man travelled back in time to annex medieval Earth; defeated by smallpox outbreak

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The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) utilized wormhole technology to travel back in time in an attempt to annex Earth during the medieval era, leaked documents have revealed.

The documents in question consist of an autobiography written by Corporal Marder, a Commonwealth expedition Soldier, and a journal from Spymaster Berengar, a medieval Earth noble from Ulm, Swabia.

Both accounts detail how Commonwealth forces lost the retrospective invasion of Earth owing primarily to a deadly smallpox outbreak, alongside an unexpected counter attack from a group of well-organized natives calling themselves ‘Aztecs’.

At present all communication with the expedition has been lost. The wormhole closed abruptly before any survivors could return, however somehow Marder and Berengar’s documents were successfully psi-faxed to Commonwealth leadership last week. The papers were marked ‘Ultra-Classified’ by the Commonwealth Bureau of Prompt Censoring (CBPC) but copies were obtained telepathically by a psionic Kettling pop, who just happened to be commuting near Unity.

Commonwealth Executor Sidney Beauclair has dismissed the documents as an elaborate hoax, however independent molecular analysis undertaken by Xenonion News appears to confirm their authenticity.

Marder’s poorly written and self-aggrandizing autobiography gives a detailed, if somewhat dry chronology on how Commonwealth leadership purchased novel technology from the Templin Institute trading enclave that allowed for highly advanced wormhole manipulation.

After successful trials of time distortion, Commonwealth command launched ‘Task Force Friendliness’, a covert expeditionary operation consisting of thirty corvettes and fifty assault armies, with the aim of invading medieval Earth and altering recent history to ensure the Commonwealth’s dominance over humanity.

After several chapters dedicated to discussing his good looks and humble personality, Marder described how the fleet successfully traversed the wormhole and were able to identify Earth in its high Middle Ages, equivalent to the human year 1066.

What followed was a ‘shock and awe’ campaign of heavy Corvette bombardment and rapid planetary invasion of key strategic locations across the planet in Europe and Asia. Spymaster Berengar’s city of Ulm was one such point of interest.

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However, Commonwealth forces appeared to significantly under-estimate the ferocity of their genetic ancestors, and were met with a series of shock defeats early on. In particular Commonwealth infantry weapons proved ineffective against chain mail armour, and low flying Corvette point defence could not counter trebuchets. Marder lamented; “how many castles do these guys have?! We didn’t bring any siege weaponry.”

The Commonwealth went on to endure a gruelling 13 year long war of attrition against the native defenders, attempting to besiege several key sites but being continually interrupted by defending armies fighting them for short periods of time before fleeing.

By 1079 however the tide was beginning to turn. Berengar (pictured below) appeared to have been captured by Marder at this point, and the spymaster mused in his journal; “all is nearly lost, most of the council have been captured and the vassal levies have been raised for far too long. I am presumably to be thrown in the oubliette.”

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However before the Commonwealth could deal a decisive blow to remaining medieval forces, a deadly smallpox outbreak ravaged the planet. Defending populations were able to isolate themselves in castles, while the invaders were exposed to an infection most modern medics have only ever seen in historical eyeStreams.

More surprisingly still, before Commonwealth forces could retreat offworld, a final unified offensive was mounted between the remaining European defenders and legions of armies from across the planet calling themselves ‘The Aztec.’

Commonwealth forces were utterly destroyed, and the fate of Marder and Berengar are unknown as both of their writings stop abruptly at this point. It is presumed they either both perished from smallpox, or were forced to become concubines for a local eccentric duke from Hesse.

In Berengar’s final words, he wrote of his sadness at the “pointless” loss of life on all sides, but voiced his hope that ultimately the Commonwealth invasion would only serve to integrate humanity future.

Interestingly, historical textbooks now refer to this failed invasion as one of the most important events leading up to the formation of precusor continental unions like the Holy Roman Empire that would ultimately become the United Nations of Earth (UNE) as we know it today.

Executor Beauclair (pictured below) again refused to comment on the Commonwealth’s failed incursion. When asked by reporters at a press conference this morning if she realised her actions had inadvertently led to the creation of the UNE in our current timeline, she became uncharacteristically silent before ordering the entire press pool for execution.

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The UNE has demanded a formal apology from the Commonwealth, while also thanking it for the pivotal role it played in its creation.

Marder’s autobiography and Berengar’s journal have both now gone on sale with major retailers across the galaxy. Both have been met with a lukewarm reception, with one reviewer calling the entire premise “tired and far-fetched.”

A sample of Berengar’s book, The Reaper’s Due, is available below.

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‘Slight Snafu’ incident sparks rise of #Cupitexit movement

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Following last week’s ‘Snafu Incident’ coming to light on the galaxy’s newsfeeds, the Dev Cluster’s Cupitor Technocracy is now once again the reluctant main character of galactic affairs.

A previously avid member of the federation headed by the humans of the UNG, the Cupitori state is now home to the new grassroots movement known as #Cupitexit, whose stated goal is to lobby for leaving said Federation and ending the war on The Dredge.

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Quite out of character for the typical introvert Cupitori, the leaders of the #Cupitexit movement are riling up emotions on the capital planet of the Technocracy by taking to social media.

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Kan Pisk, spokescupitori for the movement told Xenonion News:

“The 'Slight Snafu' incident showed us what happens when we outsource our independence. End the war - leave the UNG! #Cupitexit NOW!”

Despite overwhelming evidence of the contrary, the ever tight-lipped government officials of the Cupitor Technocracy refuse to comment on the movement other than by firmly denying its very existence.

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Councilcupitori Pi Kesklek told Xenonion News:

“It is a figment of imagination cooked up by sensationalist plantoid yellow press, and it is below the dignity of the Science Directorate to comment further on the issue.”

Speculations in the galactic community run wild as to what the consequences would be if the ambitions of the movement come to fruition.

Some experts argue that it would expose the relatively small and unprepared civilization to bloodthirsty neighbours such as the Bruggan Raiders and the Union of Supreme Synthetic Republics.

Others believe it will allow the Technocracy to open up previously unavailable trade routes and alliances with empires closer to both their borders and beliefs.

The shouting match continues and time will tell if the Cupitori choose to either isolate themselves, or be part of the galactic community. However, one thing is for sure: galactic affairs have never been this exciting!

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Pacifist empire elects S875.1 Warform as leader

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The Skrell Empire has sworn in its first non-organic leader, the S875.1 Warform, who has pledged to be a ‘Champion of the People.’

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The technocratic Skrell leadership caste elected the S875.1 by a clear majority, as Representative Knellnar told Xenonion News:

“The S875.1 Warform is the best leadership candidate we’ve had on the ballot for years. It boasts the advantage of complex learning algorithms, and super-fast neural net connections and a top of the range holographic interface. That’s all polled really well with our focus groups. And, it’s got a decorated military history with our peace-keeping navy, which polls even better.”

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The materialist and pacifist inclined Skrell discovered the S875.1 over 30 years ago when a science expedition in the Outer Rim happened upon the abandoned Corvette it was stored in.

Upon reactivation of the ship the S875.1 pledged its service, and it’s 400-power Corvette, to the Skrell navy.

Unfortunately due to design incompatibility, the ship was unable to be integrated into any Skrell fleets. As such the S875.1 was tasked with the solo mission of destroying a nearby Scavenger leviathan. Unexpectedly, the ship was lost and the S875.1 was thought to have perished.

Unknown to Skrell leadership however, while the physical hull of the S875.1 Warform had been destroyed, the bot commanding it had managed to successfully return to the pool of admirals awaiting further duty, where it remained unnoticed for 25 years until suddenly being elected today.

Little is known about the background of the S875.1, or its vision for the future of the Skrell Empire, but this has not deterred officials like Knellnar, who continued;

“From its rock-bottom fate in the ashes of a dead world for 379,000,000 years, to being thought dead in what was such a terrible tragedy with the Scavenger, to rising through government to be elected ruler, truly the S875.1 Warform shows us that being a semi-intelligent machine designed only for warfare should not stop one from aspiring to the highest position of power in a pacifistic technocracy, and becoming loved by the entire nation on the way."

On being asked as to whether she was worried about the S875.1 seeking retribution for being sent alone on such a risky mission, Knellnar laughed; “no… truly, none of us could have ever predicted such an adverse outcome…”

The S875.1 has thus far declined to comment on its election, opting instead to beep quietly, and somewhat menacingly, in a dark corner of the Skrell Congress building.

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*inspired by idea from Dr. D.R.

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Young space-nation agonizes over wording of first contact greeting

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The leadership caste of the oligarchic Rihi’Nar Coalition has been “crippled with indecision” over the wording of a first contact greeting, insider reports indicate.

Image: The Rihi’Nar Coalition has devoted hundreds of hours of deliberation over which greeting to send to their newly discovered neighbours, the Vitrios Stardom.

Image: The Rihi’Nar Coalition has devoted hundreds of hours of deliberation over which greeting to send to their newly discovered neighbours, the Vitrios Stardom.

The humanoid Rihi’Nar are one of the youngest species in the galaxy equipped to utilize FTL travel, having only discovered hyperlane technology 6 months ago.

While exploring locality space, they made contact with an alien intelligence for the first time in the form of the Vitrios Stardom, an established empire of spiritualist plantoids.

Reaction to the encounter among the Rihi’Nar population has been mixed, and this appears to have been reflected in its government’s indecision over how to word its first ever diplomatic greeting.

Rihi’Nar leader Kashnak told Xenonion News:

‘‘Our society and linguistics experts have spent the last 28 days decoding the Vitrios language and have come up with a list of appropriate greeting options reflecting our species ethos. But they’re quite different. Do we promote our xenophilia by talking about cooperation? Or do we assert our militarism with a more curt statement? … This is too difficult! Why can’t we just say ‘Greetings!’ or something generic like that!?”

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As the Rihi’Nar government has devoted increasing attention to formulating a diplomatic response, its other administrative responsibilities such as healthcare, education and food production have been suspended.

Kashnak went on;

“This first contact thing must be really important, right? Surely it has a lasting impact on our future relationship with the Vitrios? Why else would my scientists tell me we received 15 sequential priority messages about having successfully translated their language?”

Image: Rihi’Nar linguists received multiple priority alerts regarding having successfully opened communications with the Vitrios Stardom.

Image: Rihi’Nar linguists received multiple priority alerts regarding having successfully opened communications with the Vitrios Stardom.

Diplomats from Vitrios space have been bemused by the Rihi’Nar’s indecisiveness. Rohzebudd, a spokesplant for the Stardom told Xenonion News:

“They do realise it’s just a bit of roleplay, right? It won’t actually change anything? They can call us ‘side salad’ like all the other meat fleshbags have and we’ll still trade sensors with them.”

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The Rihi’Nar are at present unaware of the Vitriosi comments, and are reportedly excitedly looking into how to establish embassies.

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Fanatic xenophobes have a soft spot for charismatic species

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Scythaa, Klandethu, Scythaan Systems

A recent survey of the highly xenophobic Scythaan arthropods found that despite their universal hatred of other species, they are remarkably tolerant towards an unassuming race of Avians, known as the Ciran, because of their natural charisma. 

Since the Scythaans typically purge or enslave outsiders on sight, an undercover Xenonion News interview team cunningly disguised themselves as Scythaans to conduct the study safely.

In one notable encounter, the following was able to be translated from Scythaan clicking noises:

“On a scale of 0 to -1000, I’d put the Ciran around a -975. Like, I still hate them, obviously. But something about them is just... less despicable, you know what I mean? Whoa, are you ok? Your antenna looks a little... droopy.”

Image: The recorded Scythaan, who our investigative team named Sir Clicks-A-Lot, had interesting opinions about the Ciran.

Image: The recorded Scythaan, who our investigative team named Sir Clicks-A-Lot, had interesting opinions about the Ciran.

When asked to choose among several species to enslave, all Scythaan pops interviewed responded that owning a Ciran slave would make them up to 5% happier. In addition, most respondents ranked the Ciran as last for the question, 'What order would you purge these species in?'

Most Ciran individuals live in the eponymous Ciran Kingdom, a small vassal of the neighboring Luuhma Combine on the other side of the galaxy. While the kingdom has generally positive relationships with its neighbors, it has virtually zero contact with the Scythaans, so the results of the survey came as a surprise to many Ciran pops.

Tyudelek, a citizen of the Ciran Kingdom, told Xenonion News:

“Who are these creeps and how do they know about us? We don’t even know them, they’re one of our contacts’ contacts... I knew I shouldn't have left my FaceBlorg profile on public."

Image: Tyudelek is 'strongly considering' deleting his FaceBlorg page for up to one week, possibly even two.

Image: Tyudelek is 'strongly considering' deleting his FaceBlorg page for up to one week, possibly even two.

In unrelated news, a Xenonion News investigative team was found dead in the Scythaan Systems after masquerading as Scythaan pops. A Xenonion News internal investigation has concluded that "such tragedy could never have been predicted."

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Galactic census highlights xenophilia "most common" ethos

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

Preliminary results from the 2251 Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) census have highlighted that xenophila is the "most common" ethos adopted by space-nations.

While the full census results are yet to be released, the above information was contained in a tweet sent out by the GtFO over the weekend.

Image: The tweet from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO)

Image: The tweet from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO)

The news has been met with surprise from across the galactic community, as many expected the xenophobic ethos, which is extremely vocal on the Neural Net, to be much more common.

Sarah Smith, president of the xenophilic Blorg Commonality told Xenonion News of her reaction;

“We’re very pleased. Although, I suppose as xenophiles we’re quite easy to please - here, have some influence for your trouble. This shows all species are xenophilic at heart. If they have a heart. High fives, flagella and tentacles all round!”

Image: Xenophilic Sarah Smith appeared even more radiant and lubricated compared to usual following the census announcement.

Image: Xenophilic Sarah Smith appeared even more radiant and lubricated compared to usual following the census announcement.

Xaox, a spokesperson for the xenophobic Xanid Suzerainty, disagreed:

“This is outrageous! The numbers are clearly wrong. This sounds like fake space news peddled by the pro-xeno media. What has become of Xenonion News? [pause] … What? What do you mean I can’t say anything negative about Xenonion during this interview?
[pause] … Woah, woah, come on, okay, there’s no need to bring out a nerve stapler…. wait… WAI—"

Image: Xenophobic Xaox, in between bouts of uncontrollable drooling, now speaks very highly of Xenonion News.

Image: Xenophobic Xaox, in between bouts of uncontrollable drooling, now speaks very highly of Xenonion News.

Spiritualist Ar’dent from the Etoki Foundation also disagreed, telling us:

“HERESY! Every day we stray further from the Worm’s light.”

Image: Spiritualist Ar'dent just wonders if he can have a minute of your time to talk to you about his light and saviour, Worm.

Image: Spiritualist Ar'dent just wonders if he can have a minute of your time to talk to you about his light and saviour, Worm.

Prikk from the Scythaan Systems, a species of fanatically purifying arthropods, appeared more optimistic;

“This bodes well. More multi-cultural worlds means more lovely species for us to meat. I mean, meet.”

Image: Prikk the Devourer blends in well with his surroundings. But he assures us he's not going to eat anyone. For now.

Image: Prikk the Devourer blends in well with his surroundings. But he assures us he's not going to eat anyone. For now.

It is hoped the full results of the census will be released in the coming weeks.

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Area voters thrilled by two diverse election promises

Image: T'Valdra voters are expected to enjoy a wide variety of six candidates and two election promises to chose from in the upcoming presidential ballot.

Image: T'Valdra voters are expected to enjoy a wide variety of six candidates and two election promises to chose from in the upcoming presidential ballot.

T'Valdra, Qirbus System, T'Valdra Allied Stars

Eligible voters across the local cluster are preparing to cast their ballots tomorrow in the T'Valdra Allied Stars' biweekly leadership election.

The five candidates running for presidency of the fanatic egalitarian democracy come from a variety of government backgrounds and offer a diverse range of two election promises; construction of more mining stations, or construction of more research stations. 

Incumbent president Ik'Thor'Ar is widely tipped to be the front-runner in the leadership race, with his election campaign centering on a mandate to build at least 4 mining stations at some point during his term. This comes despite the fact he failed to deliver on the same promise during the most recent election cycle that saw him gain his current office.

Speaking at a political rally earlier this week, Ik'Thor'Ar told those gathered;

"A vote for me is a vote for more mining stations. I'm a single issue politician from a single issue party, so you know you can trust me."

Image: Incumbent president Ik'Thor'Ar is widely tipped to win the upcoming election based on an off-world mining mandate.

Image: Incumbent president Ik'Thor'Ar is widely tipped to win the upcoming election based on an off-world mining mandate.

Ik'Thor'Ar's main competitor in the election is Ik'Kek'Kek, a former fleet admiral, who is also running on a mining station construction mandate. He told reporters yesterday;

"If you go out and speak to xenos, the number one thing they say is - we need more mining stations. I suppose because mining stations give minerals that can build even more mining stations. That's what I've listened to, and it's why I'm running for office. You can't trust Ik'Thor'Ar to follow through - he failed us once, he'll fail us again."

Image: Ik'Kek'Kek is running on an entirely different election promise of more mining stations, compared to incumbent Ik'Thor'Ar's plan for more mining stations.

Image: Ik'Kek'Kek is running on an entirely different election promise of more mining stations, compared to incumbent Ik'Thor'Ar's plan for more mining stations.

The remaining three candidates, scientists Ik'Thrass'Lor, Ik'Tek'Tok and Ik'Don'Das are all pledging to build more research stations.

Ik'Thrass'Lor told Xenonion News;

"I'm not saying mining stations are bad per se, but our current president, the president before him, and the president before him all based their election campaigns around off-world mining mandates. Now it's time that we consider building some more research stations. I know our public. It's what they want."

Image: Ik'Thrass'Lor would like to see more research stations, and states he's "definitely not biased just because I'm a scientist."

Image: Ik'Thrass'Lor would like to see more research stations, and states he's "definitely not biased just because I'm a scientist."

Similar to previous T'Valdra elections, the wide range of candidate election promises appears to have enthused many voters, and turnout tomorrow is expected to be high.

Some voters, however, have admitted to feeling overwhelmed by the diversity of choice facing them. One such voter is Ik'Pox'Vox, who told Xenonion News this morning;

"This decision is really is hard, I don't know who to vote for. Do I go on the promise of mining stations or research stations? Which one will have the most impact on my quality of life? If I get this wrong will future generations look back on me with horror or think I'm stupid? This is the 330th election I've had to make this decision and it gets harder every time."

The election has also renewed calls for planetary governors to be elected by popular vote, however incumbent president Ik'Thor'Ar has ruled this out, stating there was simply no time left in the working week to run daily governorship elections.

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Federation member kicked after declining 363 war declaration requests

Redguard, Alcaire System, Thelmar Union

The Themlar Union government today confirmed it has been formally ejected from the Just Alliance federation.

The announcement follows several months of escalating diplomatic tensions and disputes within the formerly 6-member federation over foreign policy.

The vote to remove the Thelmar Union was initiated this morning by the militaristic Bwauki Multisystem, the current rotating federation leader. Member states voted in favour of the motion 5-0, with the Thelmar Union abstaining as it accidentally missed the notification that the vote had been started.

In a press statement issued this morning, Bwauki diplomats cited the vote was put in place due to “irreparable differences” between the Thelmar Union and other federation members regarding war declaration votes.

This appears to be directly related to the Thelmar Union blocking the Bwauki Multisystem's longstanding attempts to press claims on its larger and more powerful non-federated neighbour, the Cevanti Empire.

Image: Thelmar Union prime minister Smudge, who should never be rubbed on his belly.

Image: Thelmar Union prime minister Smudge, who should never be rubbed on his belly.

Themar Union Prime Minister Smudge told Xenonion News:

“We are deeply saddened by today’s outcome - as founding members of the Just Alliance we still truly believe in its original principles of xenophilia, pacifism and +100 member state trust. I don't believe those values are reflected today. However, our reasons for rejecting the Bwauki war proposals were more simple - we know we'd have to do all the work. The Bwauki navy is non-existent - they'd get torn apart by the Cevanti. Given we're neighbouring them, they would definitely be expecting us to step in. We've had enough."

Political observers agree Bwauki space command would be unlikely to overcome a Cevanti incursion given its small fleet cap and the fact they have retrofitted the previously highly adaptable federation fleet to only have flak cannons, for no apparent reason.

The original vote for a war declaration was initiated several months ago, and required all member states of the federation to consent in order for it to pass. Tensions escalated when after the vote failed initially, the Bwauki Multisystems proceeded to repeat the vote 362 more times over the space of 3 months.

Smudge continued;

"Can you imagine trying to process 363 war declaration requests since the Galactic UN outlawed embassies?"

Each time the Thelmar Union rejected the war proposal, it suffered a massive opinion malus with the Bwauki, to the point where the relationship could no longer be repaired.

Image: Bwauki president Scree, who seems acutely unaware of the fact he is not wearing any clothing.

Image: Bwauki president Scree, who seems acutely unaware of the fact he is not wearing any clothing.

Bwauki president Scree declined to speak to Xenonion News, but in a public press conference he told reporters his reasoning behind removing the Thelmar Union from the Just Alliance was;

“Well... they rejected our proposals.”

The remaining federation members; the Lyrian Polity (xenophilic), Glukkonian Guild (materialists), Uri Nation (egalitarian) and the Eredi Assembly (egalitarian) all backed the Bwauki Proposal.

Image: Lyrian Polity matriarch Lyssa.

Image: Lyrian Polity matriarch Lyssa.

Matriarch Lyssa of the Lyrian Polity told Xenonion News;

“We are natural allies with the Thelmar Union so this whole process has been very difficult for us. Having said that, we just needed the notifications to stop. There were so. many. notifications. We've actually just formally closed our foreign affairs office to make it stop for a while."

The Thelmar Union was the federation's largest and most powerful member, and opposition parties in remaining states have warned the Bwauki vote has left the Just Alliance severely weakened.

As the Bwauki government prepares to initiate its 364th war declaration vote, which is now expected to pass as long as the Lyrian Polity remembers to open its foreign affairs office, critics have called upon the Galactic UN to overhaul federation mechanics and laws to prevent similar events from happening again.

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Yet another species of adorable fanatic purifiers discovered

Image: A member of the newly discovered Rattling species adorably guards its nest of xeno skulls.

Image: A member of the newly discovered Rattling species adorably guards its nest of xeno skulls.

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

The Galactic UN has confirmed a new species has been discovered in the previously unexplored Niven cluster.

The mammalian Rattlings made first contact with a Scyldari Confederacy science ship yesterday, before they promptly destroyed it.

The Rattlings have since confirmed they identify as fanatic purifiers and have rejected formal diplomatic relations with existing species.

In a brief pan-galactic address, Grand High Rattling Raticade stated:

"Face your annihilation."

Image: Grand High Rattling Raticade.

Image: Grand High Rattling Raticade.

Galactic response to the message has generally been positive. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull, told Xenonion News:

"HOW CUTE! They just look SO adorable. Can I boop its little snout?"

Image: Blorg Kelly Jones

Image: Blorg Kelly Jones

Scyldari president Dackam has adopted a more cautious approach.

"Have we learned nothing about trusting cute species? Did we not learn from the farming snails? The space geicos? The stellar starfish?! Take a closer look at that Rattling's snout... It's clearly optimised for sucking up liquidized remains of non-Rattlings. They're planning something. We must snuff them out, before their cute little noses snuff us out!"

Image: Scyldari president Dackam.

Image: Scyldari president Dackam.

The Rattling discovery brings the total number of known cutesey genocidal species in the galaxy to 2,546,019.

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Galactic UN urges empires to purge neighbours considerately

Image: Angiofro plantoid populations have been in steady decline following the poorly planned purging of the Baapidae, their arthropoid synchronically evolved co-species.

Image: Angiofro plantoid populations have been in steady decline following the poorly planned purging of the Baapidae, their arthropoid synchronically evolved co-species.

Forever Spring, Snrub System, Bwauki Multisystem

The Galactic UN has called upon xenophobes to purge neighbouring species with more consideration for the natural environment.

The announcement follows the publication of a recent Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) census which has revealed the plantoid population of Forever Spring is steadily declining following the systematic purging of their synchronically evolved co-species by a neighbouring empire.

The Angiofro, the charismatic plantoid species in decline, evolved synchronically with the repugnant Baapidae arthropoids on their home world of Forever Spring.

Image: Angiofro Let'us probably would have something to say, if it wasn't a plant.

Image: Angiofro Let'us probably would have something to say, if it wasn't a plant.

During almost a millennia of co-existence they developed a symbiotic relationship, with the Angiofro requiring the Baapidae to rub against them to enhance pollination reproduction, and the Baapidae eating weaker Angiofro as a healthy alternative to TacoBell's XenoWraps.

This close knit relationship was not revealed to the Bwauk Multisystem, a neighbouring species of mildly xenophobic Avians who had recently assumed overlord status of Forever Spring. The Bwaukis worship beauty and symmetry, and dutifully continued their longstanding tradition of purging aesthetically unpleasing species.

Unfortunately the selective purging of the Baapidae has meant the Angiofro have lost reproductive functioning, and are being pushed towards extinction.

Bwauki spokesbird C'heep told Xenonion News:

"It's a shame really because the Angiofro are very symmetrical, although it would be better if they were shinier and we could construct our nests from them. But yes. Who would have thought the extinction of a species could have such a wide ranging effect on an ecosystem like this?"

Image: Bwauki spokesperson C'heep refused to don clothes for his interview with Xenonion News.

Image: Bwauki spokesperson C'heep refused to don clothes for his interview with Xenonion News.

Bwauki officials have strenuously denied claims they knew the impact the Baapidae purge would have on the Angiofro, but conceded not having plantoids taking up spots in leader pools would be "helpful."

The Galactic UN has recognised the legality of the Bwauki purge, but again urged empires to only purge with appropriate planning and foresight.

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UNE begins work on Space Wall megastructure prototypes

Image: Construction of the UNE's 'Space Wall' formed a core tenet of President Jeffrey Rossario's contentious 2249 election campaign on Earth.

Image: Construction of the UNE's 'Space Wall' formed a core tenet of President Jeffrey Rossario's contentious 2249 election campaign on Earth.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)

UNE government contractors have started to build prototypes of President Jeffrey Rossario’s proposed border wall with space.

Building documents state that all eight of the living metal prototypes are to be on a similar scale to existing ringworld structures, and to span the entire length of the UNE’s border.

The Space Wall formed a core tenet of Rossario’s oft-fiery and tumultuous election campaign in 2249 against Karla Karling, wherein he pledged to harshly curb xeno migration.

Speaking at a political rally in Ulm this morning, Rossario told the audience;

“We have to do something about these xenos. There are too many. Too many. Look at the Blorg. They’re not sending us their best migrants. They’re sending Blorg that have lots of problems and they’re bringing these problems. They’re bringing Zro, they’re bringing unrest. Some, I assume are good Blorg. But most are not.

I tell you folks, the Space Wall will stop them. It’s going to be big, it’s going to be beautiful. The biggest and most beautiful megastructure you’ll ever see. We’ll have negative alien migration modifiers in the minus billions. Billions and billions in migration malus. It’s going to be great.”

Image: Construction of the Space Wall (with an insert of a prototype) is planned to be undertaken in three phases, with the UNE's border on the Stellar Starfish Empire (SSE) taking priority given their recent attack on Centaurus Prime.

Image: Construction of the Space Wall (with an insert of a prototype) is planned to be undertaken in three phases, with the UNE's border on the Stellar Starfish Empire (SSE) taking priority given their recent attack on Centaurus Prime.

Net xeno migration in to the UNE remains at a record high, bolstered by the recent influx of non-human refugees seeking safe haven from the ongoing Unbidden invasion of the Outer Rim.

Rossario’s ‘humanity first’ policy has remained highly controversial. His remarks have been panned by observers across the political spectrum, and have prompted fury from the Blorg ambassador on Earth who has demanded an apology from Rossario.

Despite this, his message appears to resonate strongly with human voters. This has been reflected in Rossario's rising approval ratings, which previously languished following several high profile scandals and ongoing corruption probes against his administration.

Image: Many of Rossario's political opponents, including faction leader Aimee Fleury, have spoken out against construction of the Space Wall.

Image: Many of Rossario's political opponents, including faction leader Aimee Fleury, have spoken out against construction of the Space Wall.

The influential human Prosperity Faction has been especially critical of Rossario’s Space Wall plans. Leader Aimee Fleury shared her concerns with Xenonion News:

“This is one of the most insane proposals I’ve ever heard, to be honest. To start, it’s a wall… it’s… pardon me, I just can’t stop laughing… It’s a wall… in outer space. A wall in S-P-A-C-E… A WALL…IN—sorry. They’ll fly over it. Under it. They could jump drive over it. Not even that… this will ruin our economy. The average megastructure takes 20-40 years to build, and upwards of 100k minerals to finance. And this won’t return anything to the economy. He could build a Dyson sphere, but he wants a wall?”

Image: Rossario's supporters, such as hat maker Ronald Gump, are extremely keen to see the Space Wall constructed.

Image: Rossario's supporters, such as hat maker Ronald Gump, are extremely keen to see the Space Wall constructed.

Rossario’s most ardent supporters, however, believe the Space Wall is the actualization of a long-held political fantasy, as human hat maker Ronald Gump told us;

“This is what we need! Keep xeno scum out of the UNE! Make Earth great again! Stupid liberal xenoflakes need to stop worrying about the cost of the wall - we’re going to make all neighbouring xenos, including that hostile Fallen Empire, pay for it."

UNE central government states it hopes wall prototype selection will be completed within the next five months.

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Pacifist empire declares war every ten years to enforce truces

Image: Scyldari President Dackam announced the war declarations this morning live via eyeStream.

Image: Scyldari President Dackam announced the war declarations this morning live via eyeStream.

Scyldaria, Scyldaron System, Scyldari Confederacy

The pacifistic Scyldari Confederacy has this morning declared liberation wars on fourteen neighbouring space-nations.

Scyldari President Dackam hailed the declarations of war as "the beginning of another chapter for galactic peace and prosperity."

The move was hotly anticipated by galactic observers such as J'Khanna, a political commentator on Scyldaria, who told Xenonion News:

"This is definitely no surprise to anyone who's been watching Scyldari diplomacy in action. Over the last 30 years they have followed a very rigid pattern of declaring liberation wars on neighbours, immediately settling for status quo without any actual hostilities, and then enforcing a 10 year truce period which guarantees peace. As soon as the truces expire - the process is repeated."

Each of the fourteen space-nations which had war declared upon them all individually had existing truces with the Scyldari which expired today.

Proponents of the war declarations highlight that the resulting peace accords, which are unbreakable as per Galactic UN law, have heralded an era of unprecedented development in the region.

Image: Rhi'Kass, leader of the Vhemm Ardent, reptilian spiritual slaving despots.

Image: Rhi'Kass, leader of the Vhemm Ardent, reptilian spiritual slaving despots.

Rhi'Kass, leader of the Vhemm Ardent, one of the fourteen space-nations to be attacked, told Xenonion News;

"These 10-year truce periods have actually been pretty beneficial to us. Initially we were forced into it because the Scyldari were way more powerful than us, but now we're on technological parity, we still agree to it immediately. Why? Well no-one in the region is really thinking about war, so we can focus on the economy and science. Open borders are enforced so we actually have to interact with our neighbours... On a personal level this has really changed my perspective on things."

Reports indicate Scyldari diplomats are currently in the process of drawing up a new set of status-quo peace treaties to cover the next 10-years. Insider sources indicate that the higher levels of government are optimistic that after this tranche of war declarations, the region will federate.

Image: An example of previous peace treaties offered by the Scyldari Confederacy.

Image: An example of previous peace treaties offered by the Scyldari Confederacy.

The Galactic UN and xenophilic Fallen Empires have praised the Scyldari's war declarations as "a wonderful overture to peace" and are said to be considering nominating the space-nation for the 2251 Galactic Nobel Peace Prize award.

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Scientist on cusp of unlocking anomaly mystery wins presidential election

Image: Hask'Gentar delivers his inaugural presidential broadcast to T'Valdranite citizens.

Image: Hask'Gentar delivers his inaugural presidential broadcast to T'Valdranite citizens.

T'Valdra, Qirbus System, T'Valdra Allied Stars

Hask'Gentar has been elected president of the T’Valdra Allied Stars Congress.

With all ballots confirmed this morning, Gentar secured 77% of the direct democracy’s eVote compared to incumbent president Torba'Villin's 7%.

In his inaugural eyeStream broadcast to the local cluster, Gentar stated:

“Uh... It’s an honour to serve T’Valdra, but... I have to say, I'm not quite sure if I'm best placed to do this - I didn’t even know I was running for election. Did someone in my department accidentally put my name down for this or something?"

Gentar is one of the galaxy's top-ranking scientists, having graduated first in his class from T’Valdra Science Academy in 2240 with meticulous and roamer traits. He was quickly posted on deep space surveying missions, and has spent the last decade steadily ranking up in experience.

Image: Many were surprised to see Gentar on the ballot, given his more politically experienced competition, including incumbent president Torba'Villin.

Image: Many were surprised to see Gentar on the ballot, given his more politically experienced competition, including incumbent president Torba'Villin.

His election victory came as a surprise to many in T’Valdra, given his lack of previous political experience and the nature of his work. At the time the election results were announced Gentar was reportedly “extremely close” to unlocking the mystery of a Level 5 anomaly which he had been working on for 3 years.

Image: Unofficial reports indicate Gentar was "on the cusp" of unlocking the secrets of the so-called 'Technosphere', a large metallic object orbiting a black hole.

Image: Unofficial reports indicate Gentar was "on the cusp" of unlocking the secrets of the so-called 'Technosphere', a large metallic object orbiting a black hole.

Hask'Timak, egalitarian faction leader on T’Valdra, told Xenonion News;

“We were all just taken off guard really - we were totally expecting the core sector governor to win the election given his agrarian upbringing and architectural interest. What I’m stumped about is how Gentar was able to run such a slick election campaign despite being 35,000 light years from any of our inhabited worlds. It’s actually quite impressive.”

Karl Karling XXVI, Professor of Political Science from the University of Ulm in the United Nations of Earth, told Xenonion News;

Image: Professor Karl Karling of the University of Ulm warns that 'unexpected elections' of scientists may see space-nations veer away from democratic government forms.

Image: Professor Karl Karling of the University of Ulm warns that 'unexpected elections' of scientists may see space-nations veer away from democratic government forms.

“It’s actually not uncommon to see this phenomena in stellar democracies - often presidents come from pools of scientists, admirals, generals - individuals outwith the usual political circle. We’re currently investigating the reasons behind this trend, but it does seem to occur mostly in young space nations who don’t have enough political clout to subtly influence elections in the direction of political candidates."

The T’Valdra Science Academy has confirmed Gentar has now left their contracted employment and work on the anomaly will have to be abandoned. A spokesperson for the Academy stated they wished him well in his new role, and advised they are now advertising a post for an experienced science officer to continue his work.

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*This article was inspired by a post from Redditor u/solophuk

Galactic UN to change warscore system following legal challenge

Image: Chief Supreme Justice Di'anaross delivered the Galactic Supreme Court's verdict   on  Cevanti v. Bureaucracy.

Image: Chief Supreme Justice Di'anaross delivered the Galactic Supreme Court's verdict on Cevanti v. Bureaucracy.

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

The Galactic UN has confirmed a major overhaul to war resolution will come into effect later this week, following a ruling by the Galactic Supreme Court.

The Court's verdict concluded the highly publicized case of Cevanti v. Bureaucracy, wherein the Cevanti Empire (a space-nation of fanatic purifiers) pursued legal action against the Galactic UN, arguing the current warscore system had violated their basic xeno rights.

358 Supreme Justices unanimously ruled in favour of the Cevanti, highlighting the Galactic UN had indeed breached its own charter on Xeno Rights, referring to clause WF 234,127,790-B which states:

”All space faring space-nations have equal rights to purge and commit genocide, and should in their pursuit of doing so only be limited by their own morals and military success.”

The Court is still to deliberate as to whether the Galactic UN's actions are criminal. If this is found to be so, it would allow the Cevanti and other empires to fine the body billions of energy credits in compensation for years of lost purging.

The current warscore system (the ‘Universal Warscore System’ or UWS) was created in 2100 by the Galactic UN as a way of arbitrating over regional conflicts. It sets out a series of binding rules that all species must follow, regardless of ethos. These include publicly declaring predefined war goals before conflict, disallowing large empires to be completely annexed even with 100% warscore, and the enforcement of unbreakable peace treaties.

The Cevanti Empire infamously declared a protest white-peace in November 2250 against the Yndari Foundation in a war it was winning, but unable to decisively end after the Galactic UN ruled its warscore wasn’t high enough.

The UWS has long faced heavy criticism from militaristic and xenophobic empires who brand it as "unfair" and "inflexible" towards warmongering. However, this case marks the first time the legality of the UWS has been challenged.

The Galactic UN is now in the process of revising the UWS to ensure future wars are a more "reflective and user-friendly experience." This is expected to include an updated UI, more accurately scaled warscoring, and incorporation of the use of new Titan and Colossi ships.

Image: It is hoped the new warscore interface will make war "fairer, and more fun."

Image: It is hoped the new warscore interface will make war "fairer, and more fun."

The Stellar Starfish Empire, the only empire ever to have used a Colossus, welcomed the move, reporting its destruction of the United Nations of Earth (UNE) planet of Centaurus Prime had proven futile as the current UWS did not incorporate warscore for planetary destruction.

However, not all xenos approve of the UWS being updated. Kkom Pees of the Soovi Harmonious Collective told Xenonion News;

“On behalf of the Soovi and all other civilized space nations I must object to any changes that could be considered 'improvements' to the UWS. The last thing we want is to make it easier for warmongers to go on their killing sprees. Yet here the Galactic UN are changing it in favour of a more intuitive UI that actually allows empires to select systems of strategic interest directly from map view, rather than picking them one by one from an impractical list.”

The changes to warscore are expected to come into effect on Thursday February 22nd.

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New faction fights for leaders’ rights, such as retirement and vacation

Visari Prime, Ebbarmacchus System, Visari Technocracy

A new faction, the Prosperous Independent Leaders’ Ensemble (PILES), has been founded this week in the Visari Technocracy.

The faction is calling for the government to improve working conditions for leaders. Its main demands include;

  • Leaders gaining access to retirement - instead of serving jobs for life
  • Leaders gaining access to vacation time
  • Leaders gaining access to free life insurance, given high mortality rates among those working in space environments

Faction leader, Yoga Antiqua told our newsteam;

“Even in our egalitarian society, leaders lack many basic rights. We give so much to the empire, many of us even become substance abusers from the stress. In return, we want to be guaranteed basic rights extended to the rest of the population.”

Image: Antiqua is leading the faction from VTS Havres, his home for the past 182 years.

Image: Antiqua is leading the faction from VTS Havres, his home for the past 182 years.

For Antiqua, the fight is personal. As a venerable, resilient, cyborg leader, he first gained command of the science ship VTS Havres at 48. Now aged 230 years old, he reports he has been surveying star systems ever since, without ever taking a day off or returning to his home planet of Bagodah to see one of his 33 great great great grandchildren.

So far, the Visari government has been reluctant to concede to PILES' demands. Bana Shacho, Director of the Visari Technocracy, told us;

“We didn’t research cell revitalization and equip our population with life-extending cybernetics just so that they could retire early. I'm 199 years old, I've won every election for the past 148 years and I've come to no harm. Some people describe me as having become stubborn - but I'm not. They're just wrong.”

Some leaders are also opposed to the ideals of PILES. Governor Xari Nelsa of the Core Sector has stated that she believes leaders are obligated to give their lives in support of the Technocracy, whether they be admirals or scientists. Retirement, she feels, is shameful.

The faction is receiving growing support among more egalitarian Visari, which the government is hoping to suppress through re-allocation of influence.

> More accurate reporting from Seevah Gunnar could not be possible

Pacifist factions push for re-establishment of embassies

Image: Prior to the Asimov Act empires were able to spend a significant proportion of their GDP on hosting diplomats and biweekly cocktail parties in embassies.

Image: Prior to the Asimov Act empires were able to spend a significant proportion of their GDP on hosting diplomats and biweekly cocktail parties in embassies.

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

Pacifist factions from a broad range of empires have called upon the Galactic UN's to allow for the re-establishment of embassies and diplomatic attachés.

The use of embassies as a method of improving relations between spacenations was outlawed in August 2249 by the Galactic UN's controversial Asimov Act.

Officially the Asimov Act was passed with the intent of streamlining diplomacy and fostering deeper galactic cooperation. It proposed a novel system of 'trust' between empires, with one unit of trust equating to a greater degree of friendliness. Trust could be earned through various mechanisms, such as trade agreements or military alliances. Embassies were believed to promote 'superficial' diplomacy and detracted from these more meaningful opportunities.

Critics of the Act argued it was aggressively pushed by the militaristic lobby as a means to boost their own corporate interests. Others felt it was simply reactionary, spurned on in the wake of the chaos left by the Unbidden invasion of the Outer Rim, where dozens of space empires passively watched as billions of organic lifeforms were purged.

Pacifist factions now argue a "diplomatic void" has been left. Prominent pacifist, Gaandee, told the newsdesk:

"We must fight, peacefully of course, anything that limits our options for peace. I wasn't familiar with this 'trust' concept before, but it works quite well. But we could bring back embassies too. Before it was so much easier to make your intentions clear to another empire through embassy establishment. It's how the Blorg operated for millennia, and look how many friends they have now? Almost three."

The closure of embassies had a profound effect on embassy staff, many of whom who found themselves abruptly unemployed. While this served as the comedic basis for the hugely popular sitcom, 01_Embassy_Propose, recent long term data from the Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) implies the closure has had a significant impact on former staff, who are 50-times more likely to have substance misusing or arrested development traits than the general population.

A representative for the Galactic UN, Gre'Kulf, responded:

"There are many ways to interpret the data from PISH. You could also say the former embassy staff now just have a lot more free time, and heck, who doesn't like a drink in their free time? Embassies represent an older style of diplomacy that is more suited to pre-FTL governments and Parabox games. As an aside, have you played Crusading Dukes IV?"

The Galactic UN has yet to comment on whether it will review the Asimov Act. Pacifist factions state if it does not, they will take their case to the Galactic Supreme Court, if it is re-established by the Galactic UN also.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

 

Area Empress gains immortal trait, heir faces existential crisis

Image: Empress Viola of the Shitakasi Holy Empire poses for a portrait in the Grand Shitakasi Palace.

Image: Empress Viola of the Shitakasi Holy Empire poses for a portrait in the Grand Shitakasi Palace.

Royal Circle, Tyrathurus, Shitakasi Holy Empire

Empress Viola of the Shitakasi Holy Empire (SHE) has gained the trait of immortality, granting herself the title of 'God-Empress' in the process.

In an announcement to her imperial court this morning, Viola confirmed she had been marked as "Chosen" by the Shroud, stating:

"Today marks a new dawn for the Shitakasi, for the Shroud has smiled upon me. It has imbued me with great power. Not only do I have +1 influence, but I transcend the limits of mortality. I will rule our people, and ultimately the galaxy, for eternity."

The fungoid Shitakasi, and by extension the Royal Shitakasi Family are deeply spiritual, and famed for their latent psionic abilities.

Viola is reported to be exceptionally psionically connected and was rumoured to be spending increasing amounts of time within the Shroud. It is unclear what force, if any, she has been consorting with.

The Galactic UN has warned Viola against "wanton title creation", reminding her it was just likely to anger her vassals and promote regional instability. It also added she had no objective scientific evidence to prove she was immortal.

While the news of Viola's "ascension" have been met with jubilant scenes across the Shitakasi home systems, sources close to the Royal Family highlight tensions are rising.

Crown Princess Jasmine, Viola's eldest daughter and next in line of succession, is reportedly "distraught" over news her mother is now immortal, and considering abdicating for a career as a paralegal.

As one anonymous palace source told our newsteam;

"It's just awful for her. Jasmine has the ambitious trait, so naturally her and her mother are rivals, but she expected soon enough she would be able to leave her own mark on the Holy Empire - seemingly not anymore. It's a bit of an existential crisis for her."

Viola's sister, Princess Lilleth, has reportedly formed a faction to change Shitakasi succession to a form of elective monarchy, in a move that many see as trying to limit Viola's increased authority.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

> This article was inspired by a post by Twitter user @diogo__anchieta

 

 

Galactic new year celebrations marred by disagreement over current date

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)

Temporal tensions came to a head this Sunday when delegations from the United Nations of Earth (UNE), Commonwealth of Man (CoM) and Asuri Republics failed to agree on the current time at the annual Conference on Galactic Affairs.

Divisions between the space empires re-emerged with the recent galactic new year celebrations. The UNE celebrated the start of the year 2251, the CoM 2218, while the Asuri Republics heralded the year 5005-Yellow.

The UNE's Metric Time System (MTS), which as above states the current year is 2251, is used by most empires in the galaxy and has in essence become the de-facto galactic standard. Utilising an easily convertible decimal system, metric time has been promoted as a 'scientific' form of time, although has been seen by some as confusing to interpret, especially due to adjustments required with 'spacelight savings time.'

The CoM has declared that the year is 2218, and believes its Imperial Time System (ITS) is correct and should be used across the galaxy. Based on indecipherable measurements developed from questionable aspects of the Commonwealth's history, supporters state it is easy to be used in everyday life, but not readily convertible for scientific purposes.

Image: Last year the Xenonion made a non-accidental attempt to publish advertisements dated with both time systems. It was not well received.

Image: Last year the Xenonion made a non-accidental attempt to publish advertisements dated with both time systems. It was not well received.

The Asuri Republic promotes the controversial Worm-Time System (WTS), which states the current year is 5005-Yellow. Little is known about how this time system operates, other than it was developed from the assumptions of time being sight.

The UNE has called upon remaining "holdout" empires using non-Metric time to switch to the 'universal standard' and force adjust their calendars to 2251.

However, the CoM has argued that in switching from 2218 to 2251, it would be unclear if its empire's technology would advance by 33 years, or indeed whether that would solve a longstanding crisis of its planetary trains not running on time.

The Asuri Republics have called for "consideration and compromise" on both sides, adding; "what was, will be."

> More accurate reporting from Xan'dolf Leexidanaca could not be possible

Survey reveals significant numbers of fleet admirals overworked, substance misusing

Image: The CRASH survey highlights significant concerns raised by fleet admirals.

Image: The CRASH survey highlights significant concerns raised by fleet admirals.

Lyria, Argea System, Lyrian Polity

Admirals across the galaxy feel that their concerns are not being taken seriously by their respective governments, a new survey has revealed.

The Critical Review of Admiral Satisfaction & Happiness (CRASH) survey is an annual poll undertaken by members of the Guild Academy for Generals & Admirals (GAGA), a pan-galactic representative body for military command personnel.

The 14,000 respondents to CRASH represented almost all fleet admirals working in the known regions of space, across nearly 6,000 empires.

Worryingly, only 11% indicated they were happy in their current job, and 93% had 'extreme concerns' about remaining employed as a fleet admiral.

The most commonly cited concerns included being dangerously fatigued through managing extremely large fleets, feeling overwhelmed by complex operations micromanagement, safety concerns over ineffective emergency warp protocols and personal health concerns over high rates of substance misuse traits in older admirals.

On average, over 70% of admirals aged over 120 had some form of acquired negative trait, with substance misusing being the most common. Admirals commanding fleets of over 400 ships were also more likely to be substance misusing, and rated their happiness lowest.

Interestingly, those working on 'atypical' contracts, such as pirate outfits, rated their happiness highest.

The results also highlight a mistrust of governing bodies. Only 41% of admirals polled felt their governments took safety protocols seriously.

Earlier this year, United Nations of Earth (UNE) retired admiral A.K. Barr warned that some of his former colleagues were being forced to work for up to 17 years without an adequate break. He subsequently resigned amid failures of the UNE government to address lengthy emergency warp times and the longstanding issue of transport fleets perpetually renaming themselves.

These sentiments were echoed by Lyrian Polity admiral Belessaria P'Sayle, who told our newsteam:

"For too long our warnings have gone unheeded. Admirals have a huge responsibility and play a vital role in keeping the galaxy's military-industrial complexes profitable. Yet we have no quality of life. Have you ever tried to command anything beyond your own body? Can you imagine commanding several thousand other bodies aboard several hundred ships? This is what we're expected to do, for our entire lifespan. We're tired. It's not safe, and it's not fair."

Admirals such as Barr and P'Sayle have welcomed the introduction of so-called 'doomstack regulations' by the Galactic UN, but feel this doesn't go far enough to address the above problems. P'Sayle continued:

"I'm glad they're introducing fleet caps. That at least means we'll be commanding smaller fleets, meaning we're less stressed. It should also mean that more admirals are hired. But why is no-one talking about improved pay, or retiring before we die from old age on our flagship? These are the core issues we need addressed."

Some admirals have called for pan-galactic unionization through the Guild Academy for Generals and Admirals, however this would need to be formalized through a ballot.

Individual governments have already warned against such a move, stating that could potentially amount to individual admirals committing high treason.

The Galactic UN has reported it is working "diligently" to address "issues adversely affecting admirals and fleets", with 'doomstack regulation' being the first legislative step towards this.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible