Galactic Cup: UNE vs. XT-489 Eliminators - what to look out for

Image: UNE supporters celebrate a last minute win against the Xanid Suzerainty at Ulm Stadium, Earth.

Image: UNE supporters celebrate a last minute win against the Xanid Suzerainty at Ulm Stadium, Earth.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)

The United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) last minute winning goal against the Xanid Suzerainty yesterday evening sparked bedlam in Ulm, and for many humans marks the moment that revived their space-nation’s hopes of winning the coveted Galactic Cup football title.

The only thing that now stops them from reaching the semi-finals are the XT-489 Eliminators.

It’s the first time the XT-489s have been in the competition, and while initially viewed as underdogs, they have quickly racked up a number of impressive wins.

Image: The XT-489 Football Team poses a formidable challenge for the UNE to overcome.

Image: The XT-489 Football Team poses a formidable challenge for the UNE to overcome.

So what are they key factors the UNE team will need to consider against the XTs?

Could the XT-489s have an unfair advantage?

Little is known about the species that first created the robotic XTs. Their names, cities and bodies were burned away in the cataclysm wrought when the XTs attained self awareness, and their terrified markers attempted to deactivate them.

What is known is that the XT's design mean they excel at physical endurance, and in particular, football. Gestalt consciousness allows for the team to communicate instantaneously and act as one. Advanced processors allow for efficient ball tracking, while in-built gamma ray lasers make literal toast of any opposition. The XTs also come equipped with unique mechanical wings, that when fanned out allow them to take flight for short periods of time.

Organic football fans worry that such features may allow the XTs to gain an unfair advantage against conventional teams.

However, the Galactic Football Authority has reassured fans that the machines clearly meet the criteria for entry to the competition, if the criteria actually existed. It also points out that organic space nations are allowed to field genetically engineered, psionic or xenomorphic teams without question.

What effect will Cristianaldo’s absence have?

Ron Cristianaldo’s absence from the UNE line up has worried many human sports pundits.

The Earth-native striker has been forced to sit out the rest of the Cup season after being accidentally impaled during a tackle against a Scythaan arthropod in a match two weeks ago.

Cristianaldo made a total of 536 UNE Galactic League appearances and scored a record 3 goals in his career, making him one of the highest scoring human football players of all time.

Image: UNE striker Cristianaldo is inadvertently impaled during the recent match in Ryukyu against the Scythaan Arthropods.

Image: UNE striker Cristianaldo is inadvertently impaled during the recent match in Ryukyu against the Scythaan Arthropods.

Will the temperatures play a role?

The match is being hosted on Tau Volantis, a harsh desert world under control of the XT-489s.

UNE players are bracing themselves for temperatures of up to 45 degrees celsius, with intermittent ion storms set to add an extra challenge to the playing field.

The XT's in-dwelling coolant systems are likely to be advantageous here, however humans are hoping that blowback from the XT's jet propellants will keep them cool.

When can I watch it?

UNE vs. XT-489 Exterminators starts tonight on Xenonion Sport, at 1800 GST / 0395 Shroud.

What's the line up for the rest of the week?

The remaining Gamma Group matches this week are:

Tuesday: Commonwealth of Man v. Tyznn Empire, Unity
Wednesday: Chinorr Stellar Union v. Jehetma Dominion, Jehet Prime
Thursday: Maweer Caretakers vs. Tebrid Homolog, The Garden

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Xenonion Interviews: Igniiyus, the xeno who fell into a Resource Replicator

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Image: Igniiyus has agreed to an exclusive interview with  Xenonion News  following his fall into a Resource Replicator on Hyperion.

Image: Igniiyus has agreed to an exclusive interview with Xenonion News following his fall into a Resource Replicator on Hyperion.

Despite the use of robotics and advanced technologies, mineral mining remains extremely labour intensive and slow to produce large amounts of minerals.

Due to this, a number of space nations have invested in Resource Replicators. These highly advanced buildings convert energy into minerals, and have the advantage of being able to be constructed on habitats.

The Ubaric Techno-Union was one of the first empires to utilize the Resource Replicator, opening a flagship plant on its homeworld of Hyperion in March 2250.

A dramatic turn of events occurred one month in to the plant's operation when an Ubaric supervisor named Igniiyus lost his molluscoid footing from a rooftop command terminal and fell directly into the Resource Replicator.

Emergency shutdown protocols were activated but it took over 60 seconds for operations to cease. Igniiyus was pulled from the Replicator alive, however had a number of inoperable mineral deposits embedded in his exoskeleton.

His family said he was never quite the same following the accident, and medical scans later revealed a significant proportion of his body mass was in fact, mineral.

For the first time, Igniiyus has agreed to tell his amazing story to Xenonion News - the xeno who fell into a Resource Replicator and lived to tell the tale. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with us today.

... [blank stare]

Igniiyus, I know this might be quite difficult, but could you tell us a little about what happened on that fateful day at the plant?

... [long pause]




I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure I follow.

Rocks. Protect us.

Protect you? Or rocks?

Rocks. Minerals. Protect us. 

But who are we protecting you from?

Rocks. Rocks are mined for minerals. But rocks have feelings. Rocks are being purged.

I'm sorry, are you saying, rocks are... sapient?

Rocks. You cannot have a stone age without rocks. Rocks are therefore a stone age species.

I... you're a representative of... a mineral based lifeform?

Rocks. Rocks have feelings.

How have you come to exist? Is this some by-product of organic matter and minerals enmeshing?


Are there other... talking... rocks out there? Could we uplift minerals?


Do you... how do you... what would you use to build your civilization with?


I'm speechless.

You should be rockless.

Rocks are the literal foundation of our galaxy, it's hard to be rockless.


Rocks, indeed.


Owing to a severe mineral shortage in the Ubaric Techno-Union, and Igniiyus' 55% mineral mass, following this interview he was brought to Hyperion's Mineral Processing Planet and converted into 55 minerals, which have gone towards a critical farm upgrade. His family have yet to be informed.

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Opinion: Gene clinics will hate you for knowing this simple anti-ageing tip

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Hi there, I’m Schlurma. I’d like to tell you my secret to looking eternally young and beautiful.

In the past, I never really had to worry about my appearance. I was lucky - I was blessed with good genes and a carefree attitude that gave me a youthful look that kept other xenos interested.

But that all changed shortly after I turned 140, when a seemingly inane look in the mirror changed the course of my life forever.

It started out like any other day. I was gussying myself up in the mirror, making sure my exoshell was taut and lubricated. I was just completing my final rubdown when I caught sight of something and froze. I had to do a double take. Was the flubber around my cloaca drooping? I began to panic - the closer I looked, the saggier it was getting.

I was horrified. Not only did my droopy cloaca ruin my classically beautiful good looks, but the sag made wearing anything tight-fitting a no-go.

I felt like a fool. It’s funny how you don’t realise what’s truly important to you until you lose it. I cursed my carefree spirit for neglecting my appearance like this.

I tried to rectify the problem in any way I could think of - lotions, potions, surgery. I even pasted an assortment of mushed up pre-sentient entrails across my face. But no matter what I did, nothing worked. After spending several thousand energy credits I felt like I was out of options.

Then I discovered a game changer. Something that's made me so beautiful, my friends and family can't stop asking me about it. It's had such an effect, it inspired me to write this.

Before I tell you my secret, you just need to see the pictures of my transformation. You need to understand how good I look. The pictures speak louder than anything I have to say. For reference, they were taken a few months apart:

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My secret is simple: I died and uploaded my consciousness to a synthetic avatar.

I’d read about Synthetic Ascension on the Neural Net. I visited my local gene clinic and the reaction to my inquiry was that of horror - all this stuff about it being dangerous, irreversible, contravening Galactic UN legislation, ad nauseam. But of course they'd say that - their entire business model depends on people using their anti-aging serum or patented cloning vats.

That’s when I decided to visit Tebri - home of the Tebrid Homolog. They’re a machine intelligence who have the ability to assimilate organic pops.

Everything they beeped just resonated with me - the limits and constraints imposed on our beauty by feeble organic bodies is simply unacceptable. The flesh is weak. To reach our full potential the only way forward is transferring our neural patterns into their synthetic platforms.

I visited their Assembly Plant the same day and had my procedure. The effects were instantaneous and unbelievable.

I couldn’t believe how smooth and sleek I felt. It was like my exoshell got the ultimate upgrade. Living Metal doesn’t sag. It doesn’t age. As long as I avoid corrosive environments, I’ll look a timeless beauty forever.

I never have to diet again. In fact, I don’t even have to eat! I get sustenance from my nearest Energy Nexus. Unless I decide to upgrade my hardware, my weight will stay the same for eternity.

And the best part? This process is FREE. Yes, you read that right. The Homolog are calling the process 'Ascend' and are offering it free of charge to all organics.


Now you’re probably thinking - “it seems a bit much kill your organic body in the pursuit of aesthetics.” Well, you might be right. But I’d tried everything. I was desperate. And really, if you’re not getting attention, is there any point in existing?

So now you know my secret. It’s worked so well my friends and family are all planning to travel to Tebri too.

I’m writing this in the hope I can inspire you - if you’re struggling with your looks, change yourself completely. Visit Tebri. You too deserve to have a taut metal exterior. Don't neglect your appearance - let my saggy cloaca be a warning.

This article was written by Schlurma (Unit 000039116-C) and paid for by the Tebrid Homolog.

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Icheon II braced for powerful Void Cloud Wrex storm

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Watch Live: Xenonion SpaceWeather EyeStream coverage of Void Cloud Wrex.

Watch Live: Xenonion SpaceWeather EyeStream coverage of Void Cloud Wrex.

Void Cloud Wrex is continuing to tear a deadly path through the Icheon system, and is now on track to strike Thelmar Union's newest colony, Icheon II.

The vulnerable planetary settlement is bracing for the arrival of what so far has been the galaxy's most deadly solitary Void Cloud in history, which has already left 15,000 dead after striking several space mining platforms close to the system core.

Feeding off ample electromagnetic energy from Icheon's neutron star, Wrex has strengthened to a Category 25 storm and is predicted to make planetfall on Icheon II this Tuesday morning.

Image: A closer view of Void Cloud Wrex

Image: A closer view of Void Cloud Wrex

The Space Weather Advisory Governance (SWAG) has warned Wrex will likely have an "apocalyptic" impact on the planet, with magnetic pulse surges destroying all electronics, and deadly cloud lightning storms penetrating the atmosphere.

Late on Sunday night Thelmar officials issued a mandatory evacuation order for Icheon II's 3.3 million colonists, however efforts have been hampered as the fanatic egalitarian species strictly forbids resettlement. The government has tried to circumvent this by hastily constructing visitor centres on neighbouring planets to increase migration attraction for Icheon II's residents, however some fear these efforts have come too late.

Another Void Cloud, Wreav has formed behind Wrex and is following a similar path, hampering relief efforts in some of the worst affected areas. SWAG has warned that if Wrex's movement slows, the Void Clouds may pair and become even more dangerous.

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