Galactic Ecosystem Conference

Post-apocalyptic purifiers laud orbital bombardment terraforming

Image: Speaker Merg Pak presents Hesukar research on terraforming.

Image: Speaker Merg Pak presents Hesukar research on terraforming.

ISS Palaver Science Nexus, Alpha System

The Hesukar Decimators Purification Committee has announced a major breakthrough in novel terraforming technology.

Speaking at this year's Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE), Hesukar scientist Merg Pak stated that though "sheer luck" his species had discovered a technique that would make terraforming "cheap and accessible for all."

The announcement came as a surprise to many in the conference as the Hesukar, a post-apocalyptic molloscoid species of fanatic purifiers, have long been considered a technological backwater by more scientifically advanced neighbours.

Snarling at a packed auditorium behind a think pane of protective glass, Merg Pak continued:

"Like many young space-nations eating their way across the galaxy, we have longed to terraform many of our colonies. We yearn to provide our people with perfect environments on which to feast upon the flesh of xenos. We have spent decades trying to research how the terraforming process works to no avail.

But last year, everything we knew changed. It began with our first large-scale genocide campaign against a neighbouring species of plantoids. We placed our ships in orbit above their homeworld, and decided to initiate armageddon bombardment. Millions of plantoid pops perished. It was delightful to see. But as the planet crumbled, our sensors began stirring - habitability readings were going up and up. By the time all life forms had been extinguished, we had created the perfect world for our species - a jewel tomb world. And all for the cost of maintaining a fleet in orbit. That's how we discovered TERRORFORMING."

Pak, in between bouts of furiously salivating at the prospect of devouring his audience, went on to describe how the Hesukar had begun a mass TERRORFORMING™ program on hundreds of developed planets in their local cluster.

Xenophobic factions have applauded the Hesukar's ingenuity, but have criticised how the terraforming technique has been sold as "suitable for all" given how it only applies to those species with post-apocalyptic traits.

Pak responded to this in his speech;

"Sorry - I should have been clear. This is a terraforming process suitable for all ... Hesukar. Silly xeno scum."

Pak finished his keynote delivery by ordering his attachment of guards to seal the conference doors while screaming "DINNER IS SERVED!"

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Scientists warn of Tiyanki 'armageddon' following dramatic drop in populations

ISS Palaver Science Nexus, Alpha System

Scientists are warning that Tiyanki face "extinction level armageddon" after a new study found that their population levels have declined by up to 75% in some clusters.

According to the study published this week in the Reddit Journal of Science, the dramatic decrease in Tiyanki could have disastrous consequences for agriculture and space ecology as a whole.

Image: The results published in the Reddit Journal of Science show that Tiyanki populations have decreased by almost 75% from 2000. With no conservation efforts, it's expected the species will be extinct by 2300.

Image: The results published in the Reddit Journal of Science show that Tiyanki populations have decreased by almost 75% from 2000. With no conservation efforts, it's expected the species will be extinct by 2300.

Fairly docile creatures, Tiyanki often migrate between systems in groups of three, grazing on local gas giants. They play an important role in maintaining solar ecology by regulating gas giant emissions. Several spacenations regard the creatures (and their milk especially) as a delicacy and often refer to them affectionately as 'space cows'.

For the last 27 years, researchers aboard the ISS Palaver Science Nexus been closely monitoring data from Tiyanki sampling sites across the inner rim.

Dr. Mordin Salus, the reptilian lead researcher, told our newsteam;

"It's funny how this study started. If you talk to xenos from across the galaxy, they all remember how Tiyanki used to smash on the windscreen of corvettes when journeying through a system. But now, that hardly happens. It's a very visceral reaction when you realise you don't see that mess all over your ship anymore."

Salus and his team petitioned the Galactic UN to fund the study following similar reports of declining irradiated cockroaches, space amoeba, and crystalline entity populations, alongsisde concerns about rising galactic temperatures.

The study used millions of advanced 'shock traps' that were placed in random sampling sites across the galaxy. The 'traps' consisted of FTL inhibitors to lure migrating Tiyanki, and tachyon lances to immediately kill them to allow for accurate biomass processing. By measuring the weight of each 'catch', data could be compared to previous observational studies, allowing researchers to obtain the exact drop in numbers.

 

Image: An example of a humane Tiyanki 'shock trap' in action above a gas giant planet - a popular feeding area for local Tiyanki.

Image: An example of a humane Tiyanki 'shock trap' in action above a gas giant planet - a popular feeding area for local Tiyanki.

The study suggests if current trends are extrapolated, the Tiyanki will be completely extinct by 2300. It has concluded that there are simply "too many unknown variables" to reach a definitive answer on the cause of the population drop, but it has hypothesized that habitat destruction, over-milking and aggressive starfleets are likely implicated.

Salus has stressed that it is his personal belief that the changes are xeno-driven, stating:

"Look, I know the study doesn't really offer a conclusion but that's because half the researchers sit on the boards of major Tiyanki milk conglomerates. But I can categorically tell you this is an ecological apocalypse of our own making. As dramatic as it sounds, you have to appreciate - it takes 10 compressed Tiyanki to even get 1ml of Tiyanki Milk. The galaxy consumes 10,000L of milk every 30 seconds. Just think about that."

Public response to the news has been muted, largely as Tiyanki meat and milk supplies have yet to be interrupted. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull told our U-Pollsters;

"I mean, they're kind of gross, so it's a bit hard to care. I'm pretty cut up about alien pets going extinct, but that's only because they're like sooooo cute."

Military personnel and pilots have reacted more positively, stating the reduced numbers of Tiyanki should make for safer flying and less radar cluttering.

The Trade Union for Recently Discovered FTL Nations (TURD-FTL) has expressed disappointment in the lack of public concern. A representative body for those new to the galactic stage, it warns the galaxy would mourn the loss of these 'repugnant creatures' who are often the first to terrify naive species venturing out into the great unknown.

The Galactic UN has highlighted it views Tiyanki conservation as a 'priority' and states it will address the issue urgently at the 2nd Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) in 14 years time.

> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

> This issue was brought to you via avid newsreader @Mrrnegaderooster.

Galactic warming accelerating, scientists warn

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Scientists from across the galaxy are congregating for the first Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) aboard the ISS Paradox Science Nexus in the Galactic UN-controlled Alpha System.

The conference has been convened following recent reports from multiple species that the galactic ambient deep space temperature has increased from 2.7260K to 2.7261K. Scientists are alarmed as it is believed that if the temperature rises 0.0001K further, the galaxy may melt and dribble unceremoniously into the centre of the universe.

Image: Deep space temperatures have risen dramatically over the last century

Image: Deep space temperatures have risen dramatically over the last century

The first paper to warn about the temperature rise, Slowly Burning To Death In A Spaceless Void (K. Vesh et al, 2248) theorised that the phenomena is being caused by interstellar traffic emissions. It warns that the consequences of rising temperatures are already beginning, including altered migration patterns of ancient mining drones, and bleaching of environmentally-sensitive crystalline entities.

Pro-environmental groups, mainly composed of plantoids, have seized on the research and begun lobbying the Galactic UN to abolish FTL and utilize emission-neutral space amoeba for transport.

Materialistic empires and major corporations have rounded on the above suggestions, highlighting that although recent domestication efforts to obtain amoeba milk have been mildly successful, the proposal would be prohibitively expensive.

Nax Golsrig, CEO of CybrexCorp commented:

"Like their capacity to produce milk, space amoebas' migratory patterns are highly irregular. It's likely commuters would be waiting on average 17 years to hitch a ride to their desired star system."

Golsrig refused to comment on whether CybrexCorp should be doing more to combat galactic warming, adding "we'll develop a sentient AI program to figure it out."

Image: ”Bleached” entities are significantly weaker than ordinary Crystalline entities

Image: ”Bleached” entities are significantly weaker than ordinary Crystalline entities

Public opinion is mixed on the recent warnings, with a number of high profile outspoken xenophobes decrying it as 'big government scare stories'.

Outspoken irrationalist Glenn Beck, a xenophobic human that uploaded his consciousness to the Shroud over 150 years ago to allow him to be angry forever, sent us this message by TeleShroud:

"The galaxy has warmed before! This is all a conspiracy by the Galactic UN, moving ever forward to ONE UNIVERSE GOVERNMENT. You don't need a science degree or a neuronal IQ enhancing implant to know that."

The first Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) begins this evening with a grand gala ball, and is expected to run for the next 3 years, funded by galactic taxpayers.

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