GtFO

Scientists 'overworked' following mass discovery of archeology sites

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The recent discovery of ‘archeology’ and the subsequent rush to excavate new dig sites and analyze artifacts have left millions of scientists struggling to cope, a new survey has found.

The Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) surveyed over 105 million scientists from across the galaxy and found that 60% reported significant levels of stress, citing ‘completely unsustainable’ workload pressures. 20% stated they would like to resign outright despite being locked into lifelong employment contracts, and 40% hoped to transfer to a less stressful job, such as being elected an empire leader.

Image: The initial results of the GtFO’s survey of scientists

Image: The initial results of the GtFO’s survey of scientists

Science faction leaders have called for drastic action and a major rethink by the Galactic United Nations (Galactic UN) to stop what has been dubbed by as ‘death by artifacts.’

Perry Neum, General Secretary for the Unified Academies of Stellar Sciences, Exploration and Surveyance (UASSES) stated:

“It’s clear from the GtFO survey that our scientists are struggling, and the turning point has been the mass uncovering of all these archeology dig sites. Now
why we’ve only just uncovered all these sites with no real change in our sensor technology is one thing, but what’s really challenging is no-one has stopped to think about the effects these mass excavations are having on our scientists. Before, scientists were already busy running research departments, exploring unknown space and undertaking special projects. Now they’re also having to excavate entire planets for years at a time? Who thought this though? It’s really undermining the quality of research output.”

Image: Perry Neum, General Secretary of UASSES

Image: Perry Neum, General Secretary of UASSES

One scientist who spoke to Xenonion and wished to remain anonymous, Dr. Iden Tiffyed, stated:

“I just need to get out of this job before it kills me. Literally. You know one of my colleagues got mangled by the Enigmatic Fortress last week? And just yesterday another simply vanished into parallel dimension chasing up some weird message about gravity being desired. It’s not exactly making me love my job. I want to start a family someday, but how can I? At any moment someone in government might forget to set my ship to ‘evasive’ status and boom - I get wiped out by a rabid void cloud. I really wish I’d just trained to become a sector governor.”

Image: Dr. Iden Tiffyed’s helmet finally comes in useful not only for going incognito as an anonymous source in news articles, but also for undertaking underwater excavations.

Image: Dr. Iden Tiffyed’s helmet finally comes in useful not only for going incognito as an anonymous source in news articles, but also for undertaking underwater excavations.

The GtFO survey also asked what would make science jobs better, however no respondents replied as a major battle just finished with a Fallen Empire in unclaimed space and every scientist was put on priority alert to try and scavenge progenitor technologies.

A spokesxeno for the Galactic UN has refuted the claim that scientists are overworked, stating the assignment of scientists to archeology excavations “is of critical importance to science", and should help to foster a “sense of pride and accomplishment” in the scientific community.

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Galactic census highlights xenophilia "most common" ethos

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

Preliminary results from the 2251 Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) census have highlighted that xenophila is the "most common" ethos adopted by space-nations.

While the full census results are yet to be released, the above information was contained in a tweet sent out by the GtFO over the weekend.

Image: The tweet from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO)

Image: The tweet from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO)

The news has been met with surprise from across the galactic community, as many expected the xenophobic ethos, which is extremely vocal on the Neural Net, to be much more common.

Sarah Smith, president of the xenophilic Blorg Commonality told Xenonion News of her reaction;

“We’re very pleased. Although, I suppose as xenophiles we’re quite easy to please - here, have some influence for your trouble. This shows all species are xenophilic at heart. If they have a heart. High fives, flagella and tentacles all round!”

Image: Xenophilic Sarah Smith appeared even more radiant and lubricated compared to usual following the census announcement.

Image: Xenophilic Sarah Smith appeared even more radiant and lubricated compared to usual following the census announcement.

Xaox, a spokesperson for the xenophobic Xanid Suzerainty, disagreed:

“This is outrageous! The numbers are clearly wrong. This sounds like fake space news peddled by the pro-xeno media. What has become of Xenonion News? [pause] … What? What do you mean I can’t say anything negative about Xenonion during this interview?
[pause] … Woah, woah, come on, okay, there’s no need to bring out a nerve stapler…. wait… WAI—"

Image: Xenophobic Xaox, in between bouts of uncontrollable drooling, now speaks very highly of Xenonion News.

Image: Xenophobic Xaox, in between bouts of uncontrollable drooling, now speaks very highly of Xenonion News.

Spiritualist Ar’dent from the Etoki Foundation also disagreed, telling us:

“HERESY! Every day we stray further from the Worm’s light.”

Image: Spiritualist Ar'dent just wonders if he can have a minute of your time to talk to you about his light and saviour, Worm.

Image: Spiritualist Ar'dent just wonders if he can have a minute of your time to talk to you about his light and saviour, Worm.

Prikk from the Scythaan Systems, a species of fanatically purifying arthropods, appeared more optimistic;

“This bodes well. More multi-cultural worlds means more lovely species for us to meat. I mean, meet.”

Image: Prikk the Devourer blends in well with his surroundings. But he assures us he's not going to eat anyone. For now.

Image: Prikk the Devourer blends in well with his surroundings. But he assures us he's not going to eat anyone. For now.

It is hoped the full results of the census will be released in the coming weeks.

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Galactic UN urges empires to purge neighbours considerately

Image: Angiofro plantoid populations have been in steady decline following the poorly planned purging of the Baapidae, their arthropoid synchronically evolved co-species.

Image: Angiofro plantoid populations have been in steady decline following the poorly planned purging of the Baapidae, their arthropoid synchronically evolved co-species.

Forever Spring, Snrub System, Bwauki Multisystem

The Galactic UN has called upon xenophobes to purge neighbouring species with more consideration for the natural environment.

The announcement follows the publication of a recent Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) census which has revealed the plantoid population of Forever Spring is steadily declining following the systematic purging of their synchronically evolved co-species by a neighbouring empire.

The Angiofro, the charismatic plantoid species in decline, evolved synchronically with the repugnant Baapidae arthropoids on their home world of Forever Spring.

Image: Angiofro Let'us probably would have something to say, if it wasn't a plant.

Image: Angiofro Let'us probably would have something to say, if it wasn't a plant.

During almost a millennia of co-existence they developed a symbiotic relationship, with the Angiofro requiring the Baapidae to rub against them to enhance pollination reproduction, and the Baapidae eating weaker Angiofro as a healthy alternative to TacoBell's XenoWraps.

This close knit relationship was not revealed to the Bwauk Multisystem, a neighbouring species of mildly xenophobic Avians who had recently assumed overlord status of Forever Spring. The Bwaukis worship beauty and symmetry, and dutifully continued their longstanding tradition of purging aesthetically unpleasing species.

Unfortunately the selective purging of the Baapidae has meant the Angiofro have lost reproductive functioning, and are being pushed towards extinction.

Bwauki spokesbird C'heep told Xenonion News:

"It's a shame really because the Angiofro are very symmetrical, although it would be better if they were shinier and we could construct our nests from them. But yes. Who would have thought the extinction of a species could have such a wide ranging effect on an ecosystem like this?"

Image: Bwauki spokesperson C'heep refused to don clothes for his interview with Xenonion News.

Image: Bwauki spokesperson C'heep refused to don clothes for his interview with Xenonion News.

Bwauki officials have strenuously denied claims they knew the impact the Baapidae purge would have on the Angiofro, but conceded not having plantoids taking up spots in leader pools would be "helpful."

The Galactic UN has recognised the legality of the Bwauki purge, but again urged empires to only purge with appropriate planning and foresight.

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Daily hyperlane commutes extended by an average of 4 years, survey finds

Image: Commuting times via hyperlanes have increased significantly - it's now common to see heavy build-ups of space traffic around hyperlane entrances and exits.

Image: Commuting times via hyperlanes have increased significantly - it's now common to see heavy build-ups of space traffic around hyperlane entrances and exits.

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

New figures from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) show that almost 35.6 trillion galactic workers have had their daily commute extended by at least four years.

The survey of 1.8 million commuters was commissioned in the wake of the galaxy's universal switch to hyperlane transport last week.

It found that:

  • 98% of commuters are now using hyperlane transport, compared to 45% before, with the remainder using isolated forms of natural wormholes (1%), artificial gateways (0.7%) or jump drives (0.3%).
  • Of those using hyperlane transport, average commute time increased by 2916%
  • Those working in military, scientific or construction jobs were most likely to be affected
  • 94% of those surveyed stated they would not be keen to travel a distance of more than one system in one commute

Snur Nursnur, space transport minister for the Ubaric TechnoUnion, has called on the Galactic UN to do more to prevent "excessive" transit times, telling Xenonion:

"This has been a direct result of the galaxy switching to hyperlanes, although the problem does not lie with the hyperlanes themselves. This is actually caused by new traffic restrictions on ships traveling within systems at sub-light speeds. We can't ignore this - while four yearly commutes are perfectly feasible in the short term, over time it may start affecting commuters' well-being, and will probably even have an impact on work efficiency too."

Image: Snur Nursur wants the Galactic UN to ease sub-light speed restrictions.

Image: Snur Nursur wants the Galactic UN to ease sub-light speed restrictions.

Lengthier commutes are now becoming an accepted part of many xenos' routines.

Xirk Zenmar, a power plant worker from the Urseni Confederated Worlds, told Xenonion;

"I live on Urseni Prime, but I visit several power plants across our core worlds. Before I could commute with ease, but now I spend at least 3 years a day travelling by hyperlane. It's a mild inconvenience."

Image: Xirk Zenmar works at power plants or something. Presumably, however, he spends the majority of his time being really cute and adorable.

Image: Xirk Zenmar works at power plants or something. Presumably, however, he spends the majority of his time being really cute and adorable.

Other commuters are going to great lengths to avoid long journeys.

Jane Smith, a Blorg scientist, told us her trick:

"I'm often sent on far-flung projects to the outer reaches of the galaxy. My commute can take a whole lifetime, and sometimes before I even get to my destination I'll get called back to my homeworld to investigate something inane. I've found the easiest way to get round this is to simply dismantle my science ship, and somehow I auto-teleport back to Blorg Prime. I'm really not sure how this process works, but it's great and I can't fathom why it's not been introduced everywhere."

Image: Jane Smith, a gross fungoid, talks about some gross fungoid issue.

Image: Jane Smith, a gross fungoid, talks about some gross fungoid issue.

The Galactic UN has yet to comment on the survey from the GtFO.

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