Primitives

Opinion: What does your future hold? Find out with Applied Astrology

Is this a good time to declare war? Should you prioritize power plants or science labs this year? Do you wish you could see into the future better than the average psychic? Then look no further, because I’m here to teach you about space horoscopes.

Hello friend. My name is Fõll O’Chit and I am a scientist*(1) with a whopping -80% anomaly fail risk.*(2)

How is that possible you wonder? Well, it is really quite simple. You see, my field of expertise is astrology and I have spent many years *(3) studying the stars up close.

First: What is astrology?

Astrology is the entirely scientific*(4) study of how celestial bodies*(5) that are really, really far away can affect tiny details in xeno's everyday lives depending on their time of hatching*(6), and how we can monetize xeno's strong convictions that their misfortunes are not the result of their own actions, but something that they have no control over.

It is commonplace for stone and iron age civilizations to worship large objects in the sky, and as an astrologist it is my job to find a modern application of this ancient wisdom.*(7)

One such application is the horoscope, a sort of mass-produced personal foretelling. By examining the night sky it is possible to predict*(8) the possible outcomes of a given xeno’s everyday struggles and give advice to help them make wise decisions.*(9) Sadly, the process of actually making a horoscope is very complex, time consuming and often far more than the hard working molluscoid hermaphrodite can afford to spare.

This is why I wrote “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space”, an affordable handbook for the aspiring astrologist (now available at most Trader Enclaves.)

Check out a sample of the helpful guidance my book offers below:

APPLIED ASTROLOGY: THE CONCEPT OF CONSTELLATIONS IN SPACE

Chapter 5: Stargazing - What the hell am I looking at?

Image: Four of the most famous star constellations* (10) as seen from Proscul Prime

Image: Four of the most famous star constellations* (10) as seen from Proscul Prime

The Amoeba constellation is disturbed by a comet: You have one or more tasks to complete today. You should get to it if you want to be rewarded for your work. Like seriously. Stop reading this nonsense.
 
The Unicorn constellation shines bright and majestic in the sky: You are reminded of promises you made long ago. You are reminded never to make promises again.
 
The stars of the Tiyanaki’s tentacles twinkle a little brighter than usual: You will most likely die at some point in your life. It may even be today. In the next minute.
 
The constellation of the Ether Drake (no longer exists since the Stellarite Devourer has consumed most of its stars): The choices you make now might have an impact on the rest of your life. Buy my other books for more guidance. 
 
Barnard's Star in the Blorg constellation flickers shyly: This would be a good time to reach out to that one xeno you know who is going through a hard time. (We're talking about Linda from HR)
 
The night sky is obscured by a charging colossus: Life as you know it is about to take a drastic turn.

 

This was just a small snippet from my book “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space."

Did you find it helpful? I hope so! If you did, then please buy a copy - available at all disreputable retailers right now.

This article was paid for by best-selling author, Fõll O’Chit, famous for works such as “The Many Applications of Snakeoid Oil” and "Treating Javorian Pox With Gemstones."

With his most recent book “Applied Astrology: The Concept of Constellations in Space” he breaks down the subject of astrology in an informative and accessible way for the general public to enjoy.

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*(1) O’Chit considers “scientist” to be a state of mind, rather than a profession.

*(2) This has not yet been confirmed.

*(3) 2 years on Ichatax I is equivalent to 37 days in Galactic Standard Time (GST)

*(4) Again, scientific in a spiritual, pseudoscientific sense.

*(5) I just needed to point out how kinky this sounds.

*(6) No correlation between the time of birth/hatching and behaviour of an individual has been proven as of writing this article.

*(7) The cultural behaviours of primitive civilizations should not be considered wisdom of any sort, but only attempts to understand things that are beyond the limits of their current technology.

*(8) Predictions are often so vague that it is hard to tell if the came true or not.

*(9) Advice from different sources may be conflicting. Never trust any horoscope above common sense and good manners. 

*(10) Constellations can look very dissimilar when seen from different parts of the galaxy, or indeed different parts of a planet. 

I - Signoff, Heuk.png

 

 

 

Primitives craft aluminum headwear, become immune to indoctrination

Image: The observation post above Mallerti II has reported recent difficulties in indoctrinating primitives on the planet. 

Image: The observation post above Mallerti II has reported recent difficulties in indoctrinating primitives on the planet. 

Mallerti II, Cknoor System, Ubaric TechnoUnion

Researchers aboard the Mallerti II observation post have encountered a "significant problem" with the indoctrination of primitives native to the planet, according to station commander Dr. Gustav Herlog.

Mallerti II is home to the Ulnak, an Early Space Age civilization of mammalians that have been under the study of the materialist Ubaric TechnoUnion for seventeen years. Aside from some unfortunate contamination events - which were contained and eliminated appropriately - the researchers have completely avoided contact with the primitives.

In addition to learning about primitive cultures, the research station has been tasked with the indoctrination of the primitives so that they might eventually transition smoothly into galactic culture. Until recently, this process had been proceeding ahead of schedule.

In recent months, however, a new phenomenon has presented a significant barrier to progress. The major cultures of Ulnak have begun adopting aluminum headwear as the height of fashion, and the resulting cranial shielding has made further indoctrination extremely difficult. Observation post computers now alarm with an error code - '404: Primitive Not Found.'

"Aluminum," Dr. Herlog explained to The Xenonion in an interview, "is perhaps the strongest adversary of our array of mind control lasers. The attenuation factor achieved by only a few millimeters of the stuff is annoying at best and fatal to the project at worst."

In response, Dr. Herlog and his team have begun a covert counter-offensive consisting mainly of in-situ agents donning similar headwear made of more favorable materials, such as common plastic. The researchers hope that artificially setting new fashion trends will allow more regular work to continue.

Image: Ulnak fashionistas are resistant to propaganda efforts by the observation post to convince them to wear less mind-control-inhibiting headware, as illustrated by this advertisement made by a front company.

Image: Ulnak fashionistas are resistant to propaganda efforts by the observation post to convince them to wear less mind-control-inhibiting headware, as illustrated by this advertisement made by a front company.

"It's really quite embarrassing," an anonymous agent told our news team; "What motivates these primitives to invent such maddening ideas is beyond me."

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Riots on Thripto; "integrating these primitives was a bad idea" official admits

Image: Dr. Ernst Uulwe, leader of the Neq’li Empire’s supremacist faction, apparently regrets policies like the primitive integration campaign that is the cause of the conflicts on Thripto.

Image: Dr. Ernst Uulwe, leader of the Neq’li Empire’s supremacist faction, apparently regrets policies like the primitive integration campaign that is the cause of the conflicts on Thripto.

Thripto, Rolon System, Neg'Li Empire

Violent riots continue on Thripto this afternoon after the planet's Director of Primitive Relations, Dr. Ernst Uulwe, stated in a recently-released recording that "integrating these primitives was a bad idea."

Thripto, a temperate moon of Rolon IV and recent colony of the Neq'li Empire, has been the native home of an Iron Age avian species known as the Sparn. Despite significant inter-imperial opposition, the Neq'li made contact with the Sparn some five years ago upon the settlement of Thripto.

Neq'li-Sparn relations had been tentatively classified as neutral by analysts, but the local government on Thripto shocked the galactic community a second time several months ago when forced integration of the Sparn into Neq'li society began. The subsequent months have been characterized by near-constant violence and almost complete collapse of the manufacturing output of Thripto.

Some progress had been made by the Neq'li to meet the demands of the Sparni Tribal Council, but the discovery of such disparaging remarks by Dr. Uulwe has been met with renewed violence.

A ranking member of the Sparni Tribal Council, who insisted on remaining anonymous, had the following to say:

"The insults that our Neq'li oppressors lay upon our wings only strengthen our resistance. Soon, all in the galaxy will know the might of the Sparn!"

The interview was cut short when the Sparni leader began squawking uncontrollably and closed the remote video link.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Stone-age primitives worship fiery fleet battle aftermath

Image: A tribe of molluscoid primitives on Sirius V observes the glowing wreckage from the Battle of Sirius on a clear night. This tribe seems to regard it as the malevolent embodiment of all the hatred and anger in the universe.

Image: A tribe of molluscoid primitives on Sirius V observes the glowing wreckage from the Battle of Sirius on a clear night. This tribe seems to regard it as the malevolent embodiment of all the hatred and anger in the universe.

Sirius V Orbital Research Station, Sirius System, United Nations of Earth

United Nations of Earth (UNE) xenopologists studying stone-age civilizations on Sirius V have observed numerous groups of primitives worshiping still-glowing warship wreckage orbiting in the outer limit of the planet's atmosphere.

The debris is believed to have originated from the Battle of Sirius, a space battle which occurred 5 years ago above Sirius V, and resulted in a decisive victory for the UNE against the Bak'nerg, a neighbouring race of aesthetically unpleasing reptilian fanatic purifiers.

The UNE's 1st Starfleet, commanded by Admiral A.K Barr aboard the USS Yoko Ono, crippled the Bak'nerg navy despite being significantly outnumbered, and in the process destroyed the reptilian flagship BWS N'Kashka.

N'Kashka's violent destruction, and the resulting explosion of its central reactor, created a large debris field which have since become locked in orbit above Sirius V, still glowing with residual energy from the advanced heat sink materials used in Bak'nerg engineering.

UNE scientists aboard the newly constructed Sirius V Orbital Research Station quickly noticed N'Kashka's wreckage appeared to be having a profound sociocultural impact on the planetside molluscoid primitives.

Dr. Nalia Monshego, director of the station, described the team's "incredibly exciting" observations;

"From the surface, the debris cloud is extremely large, equivalent to the planet's largest moon, Sirius V Minor, which the primitives previously held well developed mythologies around it being an omnipotent aphrodisiac sky molluscoid. However, since the wreckage has appeared, the primitives' belief systems appear to have been significantly altered."

The various primitive cultures have not reacted uniformly to the debris - some are actively worshipping it as a new central deity, but other subgroups have reacted much more negatively, as Dr. Monshego reported;

"One culture on the planet has apparently even been observed trying to recreate the explosion. While it is most unlikely that the primitives would succeed in this endeavour, their new fascination for violent detonations has lead to them to prematurely invent gunpowder. If they invent guns and biologically develop opposable thumbs, this may have a dramatic impact on the future of their species."

Dr. Monshego's team are due to publish their observations latter this month in the Earth's prestigious peer-reviewed Reddit Journal of Science.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.