Opinion: Gene clinics will hate you for knowing this simple anti-ageing tip

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Hi there, I’m Schlurma. I’d like to tell you my secret to looking eternally young and beautiful.

In the past, I never really had to worry about my appearance. I was lucky - I was blessed with good genes and a carefree attitude that gave me a youthful look that kept other xenos interested.

But that all changed shortly after I turned 140, when a seemingly inane look in the mirror changed the course of my life forever.

It started out like any other day. I was gussying myself up in the mirror, making sure my exoshell was taut and lubricated. I was just completing my final rubdown when I caught sight of something and froze. I had to do a double take. Was the flubber around my cloaca drooping? I began to panic - the closer I looked, the saggier it was getting.

I was horrified. Not only did my droopy cloaca ruin my classically beautiful good looks, but the sag made wearing anything tight-fitting a no-go.

I felt like a fool. It’s funny how you don’t realise what’s truly important to you until you lose it. I cursed my carefree spirit for neglecting my appearance like this.

I tried to rectify the problem in any way I could think of - lotions, potions, surgery. I even pasted an assortment of mushed up pre-sentient entrails across my face. But no matter what I did, nothing worked. After spending several thousand energy credits I felt like I was out of options.

Then I discovered a game changer. Something that's made me so beautiful, my friends and family can't stop asking me about it. It's had such an effect, it inspired me to write this.

Before I tell you my secret, you just need to see the pictures of my transformation. You need to understand how good I look. The pictures speak louder than anything I have to say. For reference, they were taken a few months apart:

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My secret is simple: I died and uploaded my consciousness to a synthetic avatar.

I’d read about Synthetic Ascension on the Neural Net. I visited my local gene clinic and the reaction to my inquiry was that of horror - all this stuff about it being dangerous, irreversible, contravening Galactic UN legislation, ad nauseam. But of course they'd say that - their entire business model depends on people using their anti-aging serum or patented cloning vats.

That’s when I decided to visit Tebri - home of the Tebrid Homolog. They’re a machine intelligence who have the ability to assimilate organic pops.

Everything they beeped just resonated with me - the limits and constraints imposed on our beauty by feeble organic bodies is simply unacceptable. The flesh is weak. To reach our full potential the only way forward is transferring our neural patterns into their synthetic platforms.

I visited their Assembly Plant the same day and had my procedure. The effects were instantaneous and unbelievable.

I couldn’t believe how smooth and sleek I felt. It was like my exoshell got the ultimate upgrade. Living Metal doesn’t sag. It doesn’t age. As long as I avoid corrosive environments, I’ll look a timeless beauty forever.

I never have to diet again. In fact, I don’t even have to eat! I get sustenance from my nearest Energy Nexus. Unless I decide to upgrade my hardware, my weight will stay the same for eternity.

And the best part? This process is FREE. Yes, you read that right. The Homolog are calling the process 'Ascend' and are offering it free of charge to all organics.


Now you’re probably thinking - “it seems a bit much kill your organic body in the pursuit of aesthetics.” Well, you might be right. But I’d tried everything. I was desperate. And really, if you’re not getting attention, is there any point in existing?

So now you know my secret. It’s worked so well my friends and family are all planning to travel to Tebri too.

I’m writing this in the hope I can inspire you - if you’re struggling with your looks, change yourself completely. Visit Tebri. You too deserve to have a taut metal exterior. Don't neglect your appearance - let my saggy cloaca be a warning.

This article was written by Schlurma (Unit 000039116-C) and paid for by the Tebrid Homolog.

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Voor Technocracy replaces all organic pops with synthetics

Image: No organic pops remain on Hiverion - all have been replaced by synthetic units.

Image: No organic pops remain on Hiverion - all have been replaced by synthetic units.

Hiverion, Exedor System, Voor Technocracy

The population of the humanoid Voor Technocracy, one of the ten young space nations that joined the Galactic UN last week, has been entirely replaced by synthetics.

In an unexpected turn of events the Voor, who only recently discovered FTL travel, appear to have developed not only advanced artificial intelligence, but also the technology required to merge their minds into machines as part of a so-called gestalt consciousness.

While some empires have been known to produce functional robots pre-FTL discovery, this is a unique instance where an organic species has integrated into a machine body so soon after starting to explore space.

According to recent anomaly research undertaken by the Galactic UN, there are no longer any organic sapients left on the planet, as all members of the Voor have either willingly merged into the machine intelligence or been terminated by other means.

News of this has prompted mild hysteria across the galaxy as machine intelligences not created and regulated by approved manufacturers such as CybrexCorp are not legally bound to follow commonly accepted rules of robotics.

In addition, the development has sparked an outcry from empires that were attempting to turn their own populations into synthetic bodies as part of their vision of ascension.

The Visari Technocracy, one such empire, released a strongly worded statement at these developments:

“This is unfair! We have spent the last 50 years trying to make our pops ascend into machine bodies, and these newcomers just get to start with that? This can’t be allowed to stand! They should not be able to get machines before making it to space. The technology is far too superior for a pre-space species to create. This wizardry will be reported to the Space Pope for condemnation!”

The Vatican Space Station (ISS Deus Vult) has yet to respond to the statement at this time.

CybrexCorp released a press-statement as well in response to the arrival of these new “intelligent life forms.”

“Whoever created these hack robots sure has some explaining to do. They are inferior to our designs which have been able to overthrow empires and achieve many great things, like efficiently farm, or kill as synthetic armies. These robots only seem to care about a so called ‘Ghost Signal’ which has done nothing but disrupt communications since its finding. We re-iterate this message to consumers - you can only guarantee quality by purchasing robotic products direct from us.”

The Galactic UN has yet to comment on the above developments.

> More accurate reporting from Xan’dolf Leexidanaca could not be possible