United Nations of Earth

Leaked documents reveal Commonwealth of Man travelled back in time to annex medieval Earth; defeated by smallpox outbreak

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The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) utilized wormhole technology to travel back in time in an attempt to annex Earth during the medieval era, leaked documents have revealed.

The documents in question consist of an autobiography written by Corporal Marder, a Commonwealth expedition Soldier, and a journal from Spymaster Berengar, a medieval Earth noble from Ulm, Swabia.

Both accounts detail how Commonwealth forces lost the retrospective invasion of Earth owing primarily to a deadly smallpox outbreak, alongside an unexpected counter attack from a group of well-organized natives calling themselves ‘Aztecs’.

At present all communication with the expedition has been lost. The wormhole closed abruptly before any survivors could return, however somehow Marder and Berengar’s documents were successfully psi-faxed to Commonwealth leadership last week. The papers were marked ‘Ultra-Classified’ by the Commonwealth Bureau of Prompt Censoring (CBPC) but copies were obtained telepathically by a psionic Kettling pop, who just happened to be commuting near Unity.

Commonwealth Executor Sidney Beauclair has dismissed the documents as an elaborate hoax, however independent molecular analysis undertaken by Xenonion News appears to confirm their authenticity.

Marder’s poorly written and self-aggrandizing autobiography gives a detailed, if somewhat dry chronology on how Commonwealth leadership purchased novel technology from the Templin Institute trading enclave that allowed for highly advanced wormhole manipulation.

After successful trials of time distortion, Commonwealth command launched ‘Task Force Friendliness’, a covert expeditionary operation consisting of thirty corvettes and fifty assault armies, with the aim of invading medieval Earth and altering recent history to ensure the Commonwealth’s dominance over humanity.

After several chapters dedicated to discussing his good looks and humble personality, Marder described how the fleet successfully traversed the wormhole and were able to identify Earth in its high Middle Ages, equivalent to the human year 1066.

What followed was a ‘shock and awe’ campaign of heavy Corvette bombardment and rapid planetary invasion of key strategic locations across the planet in Europe and Asia. Spymaster Berengar’s city of Ulm was one such point of interest.

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However, Commonwealth forces appeared to significantly under-estimate the ferocity of their genetic ancestors, and were met with a series of shock defeats early on. In particular Commonwealth infantry weapons proved ineffective against chain mail armour, and low flying Corvette point defence could not counter trebuchets. Marder lamented; “how many castles do these guys have?! We didn’t bring any siege weaponry.”

The Commonwealth went on to endure a gruelling 13 year long war of attrition against the native defenders, attempting to besiege several key sites but being continually interrupted by defending armies fighting them for short periods of time before fleeing.

By 1079 however the tide was beginning to turn. Berengar (pictured below) appeared to have been captured by Marder at this point, and the spymaster mused in his journal; “all is nearly lost, most of the council have been captured and the vassal levies have been raised for far too long. I am presumably to be thrown in the oubliette.”

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However before the Commonwealth could deal a decisive blow to remaining medieval forces, a deadly smallpox outbreak ravaged the planet. Defending populations were able to isolate themselves in castles, while the invaders were exposed to an infection most modern medics have only ever seen in historical eyeStreams.

More surprisingly still, before Commonwealth forces could retreat offworld, a final unified offensive was mounted between the remaining European defenders and legions of armies from across the planet calling themselves ‘The Aztec.’

Commonwealth forces were utterly destroyed, and the fate of Marder and Berengar are unknown as both of their writings stop abruptly at this point. It is presumed they either both perished from smallpox, or were forced to become concubines for a local eccentric duke from Hesse.

In Berengar’s final words, he wrote of his sadness at the “pointless” loss of life on all sides, but voiced his hope that ultimately the Commonwealth invasion would only serve to integrate humanity future.

Interestingly, historical textbooks now refer to this failed invasion as one of the most important events leading up to the formation of precusor continental unions like the Holy Roman Empire that would ultimately become the United Nations of Earth (UNE) as we know it today.

Executor Beauclair (pictured below) again refused to comment on the Commonwealth’s failed incursion. When asked by reporters at a press conference this morning if she realised her actions had inadvertently led to the creation of the UNE in our current timeline, she became uncharacteristically silent before ordering the entire press pool for execution.

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The UNE has demanded a formal apology from the Commonwealth, while also thanking it for the pivotal role it played in its creation.

Marder’s autobiography and Berengar’s journal have both now gone on sale with major retailers across the galaxy. Both have been met with a lukewarm reception, with one reviewer calling the entire premise “tired and far-fetched.”

A sample of Berengar’s book, The Reaper’s Due, is available below.

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Area hyperlane pothole problems worsen, according to new survey

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Across local United Nations of Earth (UNE) space, 1.6 trillion hyperlane potholes have been reported by members of the public to local authorities, according to research carried out by Corvette-insurer SaveScum.

The company claimed the numbers highlight the “shocking condition of our crumbling hyperlane infrastructure.”

It obtained the data from 38 sector municipalities, including the central EarthGov authority, which is responsible for the condition of all hyperplanes across UNE space. Extrapolating this information, SaveScum believes hyperlane pothole reports have increased by over 9000% in the last year alone.

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Hyperlane potholes are caused when engine reactor liquid from Corvettes leak into surface cracks on underlying hyperlanes, which in turn expands in freezing space temperatures. The cracks get bigger as more ships fly over them, damaging deeper structures and allowing circular space-time continuum rips to emerge. This can cause damaged shields, broken hulls and distorted passengers in commuters passing by. Hyperlane potholes are also particularly sensitive to inclement space weather, such as meteor showers or Tiyanki-induced solar winds.

SaveScum head of Corvette insurance policy, Ben Miller-Wilson, told Xenonion News:

We were really driven to undertake this study because Corvette insurance premiums have skyrocketed, and we want to redirect customer anger elsewhere. And of course the damage suffered by commuters is a constant source of frustration and death.”

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Area commuters have welcomed SaveScum’s research. Eden Prime resident George Glass told Xenonion News:

“I can’t believe no-one has looked at this before, given the state of hyperlanes at the minute. My local hyperlane goes through Barnard’s Star and it’s been full of holes for a few years now. I don’t know how many letters I faxed to my governor’s office about it.”

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A separate study undertaken by the Galactic Transit Authority (GTA) has found that one in every three hyperplanes across the UNE is in a poor condition, as the frequency of hyperlane resurfacing has declined. The GTA believes this a major contributory factor in worsening traffic in the cluster, with daily hyperlane commutes continuing to be extended by an average of four years. 

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Emilio Hermes, governor of Eden Prime and the surrounding Gamma Sector, spoke to Xenonion News earlier today, stating:

“The Gamma Sector is fixing hyperlane potholes every 0.25 seconds but we desperately need more funding. We have been calling on central government to invest in a much needed hyperlane surfacing edict, but all they seem to care about are research grants.”

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Jeffrey Rosario, present of the United Nations of Earth declined our interview, but we were directed to his election pledge in 2249 on space infrastructure, in which he stated human space infrastructure repair would be a priority.

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At the time of press, George Glass had reportedly become so fed up on waiting for a response from local government that he has taken to filling the hyperlane potholes with chunks of hyperlane stolen from the main thoroughfare into Commonwealth of Man space.

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New report warns AI may become rogue servitors, enforce moustaches

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Experts have warned humanity’s increasing reliance on machine intelligence means the population is at risk of being relegated to a passive, and likely moustached, existence.

In an open letter to the Reddit Journal of Science, thirty of the United Nations of Earth’s (UNE's) leading technology experts have cited concerns that humans are becoming too dependent on robotic servants to facilitate everyday life.  

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They paint a dark future of humanity retreating into an insular life of leisure facilitated by automation, while all facets of civilization and facial grooming etiquette are dictated by powerful ‘rogue servitors.’

Dr. Mark Smith, a clean-shaven scientist from Earth, was one of the co-authors of the open letter. He expanded on his concerns in an exclusive interview with Xenonion News:

“No-one is trying to say artificial intelligence hasn’t been empowering for humanity. Who could forget the invention of the automated razor blade, which reduced our species’ collective body hair mass by 50%, and increased productivity ten fold? But what first started as a revolution in efficiency is now permeating every facet of our lives. Has it gone too far? I think so. Robots are now infinitely smarter and stronger than humans. We’re becoming de-skilled and dependent on them to exist both generally, and hairlessly.”

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The bulk of the scientists’ concerns centre around the rising role of artificial intelligences protecting their human creators, extrapolating that machine logic would likely not allow humans to undertake many daily activities of living due to safety concerns. 

Dr. Mark Smith went on to explain;

“We’re starting to see this beginning now. When the Series 3 automated razor blade was given a sapience chip, it refused to shave its owners as the risk of injury was deemed to conflict with the First Law of Robotics. In those humans who own the Series 3 we’ve seen a marked increase in the rise of moustaches. It’s not hard from that to imagine a future of universally moustached humans, where overzealous robots eliminate dangerous tasks like grooming.”

The report is one of the first to examine the interface between humanity, robotics and facial hair. It has sparked fierce debate in the scientific community.

John Watson, a moustached economist from Earth, disagrees with Dr. Smith et al, arguing the danger of artificial intelligence is over-rated.

“I’m sorry, I had a really considered answer, but something’s come up and I really must dash.”

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Stocks in CybrexCorp, the galaxy's largest manufacturer of automated grooming products, jittered on the news.

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UNE reels from devastating molluscoid attack, Centaurus obliterated

Image: Breaking news of the attack on Xenonion eyeStreams.

Image: Breaking news of the attack on Xenonion eyeStreams.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of the Earth

The United Nations of Earth (UNE) has been left reeling from a devastating attack by the Stellar Starfish Empire (SSE) on Friday, which saw the human planet of Centaurus Prime obliterated.

The brutal surprise offensive from the militaristic-xenophobic molluscoids began at around 17.00 GST, when several large fleets were detected on sensors entering the UNE's sparsely defended outer Centaurus sector.

The UNE's 3rd and 4th Rapid Response Fleets, on patrol in the region, reacted immediately to the incursion but were quickly overwhelmed and forced to take evasive action, sustaining significant losses in the process.

Emboldened by an initial swift victory, the SSE set a direct course to the Centaurus Sector's eponymous capitol, Centaurus Prime - a world of critical importance to humanity as it straddles a direct hyperlane gateway to UNE core worlds.

The remnants of the 3rd and 4th Fleets regrouped with reinforcements from the 2nd Fleet, and a defensive line was drawn at Centauri Prime in a bid to buy time for the UNE's primary 1st Fleet to arrive from Earth.

Image: A Xenonion News corvette captures the moment the 3rd and 4th Fleets depart from Centaurus Prime to engage the unknown molluscoid threat.

Image: A Xenonion News corvette captures the moment the 3rd and 4th Fleets depart from Centaurus Prime to engage the unknown molluscoid threat.

Counter-defensive measures provided futile however, as once again UNE fleets were overpowered by the SSE, which reportedly had access to novel 'Titan battleships' fitted with powerful perdition beams. Molluscoid ships sustained minimal damage in the ensuing battle, while the UNE fleets were decimated. Current figures estimate up to 15,000 human crew are dead or missing in action.

As Centaurus braced for planetary invasion, the SSE unexpectedly fired on the planet with a prototype Colossus-class planet destroyer, a weapon which has recently been controversially approved by the Galactic UN for military use.

Planetary damage was cataclysmic and absolute, with an estimated 2.3 billion xenos dead, the majority being human.

Image: A departing shuttle pictures the horrifying moment the SSE fired a planet-destroying weapon on Centaurus Prime. Moments later, the planet was shattered.

Image: A departing shuttle pictures the horrifying moment the SSE fired a planet-destroying weapon on Centaurus Prime. Moments later, the planet was shattered.

The SSE has since refused humanity's request for peace, and its ships have since been lost from sensors. Mandatory evacuations orders across all UNE outer worlds have been issued, and martial law is now in effect in core worlds. The 1st Fleet has drawn secondary defensive lines in Procyon.

The UNE General Assembly in Ulm has been suspended, with temporary emergency executive power being transferred to President Jeffrey Rossario.

Addressing the UNE on an all-net broadcast on Friday evening from a secure off-world location, Rossario stated:

"I send this message out to all those watching from Earth and beyond. Whether you're a farmer on New Eden, a scientist working on an research station or a soldier aboard a troop transport ship - do not waver. We will never forget Centaurus Prime, and we will never forgive.

In this time of need, remember our Human Oath. We solemnly swear to devote our lives and abilities to the United Nations of Earth. We will defend the Constitution of Man and further the universal rights of all sentient life, no matter the threat. From the depths of the Pacific, to the outer reaches of Centaurus, humanity will prevail."

Image: President Rossario delivers an address to the UNE following the attack.

Image: President Rossario delivers an address to the UNE following the attack.

The speech received rapturous applause from public broadcasts across human territories.

The attack has been roundly condemned by empires from across the galactic political spectrum, barring xenophobic species. Several xenophilic nations, including the Asuri Republics, Lyrian Polity, T'Valdra Allied Stars and Ubaric Techno-Union have pledged economic assistance to the UNE.

Perhaps most surprisingly the Commonwealth of Man (CoM), which was briefly known as the 'Imperium of Man' for a short period of time before a copyright suit from a parallel universe was filed, declared war on the SSE in "solidarity with humanity." The fellow human spacenation had previously been a longstanding rival of the UNE.

CoM leader Sidney Beauclair stated on Friday evening:

"We may not agree with the United Nations of Earth, but they are our brethren. These molluscoids are a threat to all humans, UNE or Commonwealth. We put aside our petty differences, and unity in the purity and supremacy of our species. Those space crabs aren't going to know what's purged them."

Image: Sidney Beauclair of the Commonweath of Man issued a rare statement of solidarity with the UNE.

Image: Sidney Beauclair of the Commonweath of Man issued a rare statement of solidarity with the UNE.

The Galactic UN's Security Council, which recently approved the use of planet-destroying weapons, held an emergency session on Saturday. It has urged "restraint" on all sides, and encouraged the UNE to invest in its own Colossus-class planet destroyer as a priority for "future deterrence."

Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have dropped sharply, and trading has been temporarily suspended.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Galactic new year celebrations marred by disagreement over current date

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)

Temporal tensions came to a head this Sunday when delegations from the United Nations of Earth (UNE), Commonwealth of Man (CoM) and Asuri Republics failed to agree on the current time at the annual Conference on Galactic Affairs.

Divisions between the space empires re-emerged with the recent galactic new year celebrations. The UNE celebrated the start of the year 2251, the CoM 2218, while the Asuri Republics heralded the year 5005-Yellow.

The UNE's Metric Time System (MTS), which as above states the current year is 2251, is used by most empires in the galaxy and has in essence become the de-facto galactic standard. Utilising an easily convertible decimal system, metric time has been promoted as a 'scientific' form of time, although has been seen by some as confusing to interpret, especially due to adjustments required with 'spacelight savings time.'

The CoM has declared that the year is 2218, and believes its Imperial Time System (ITS) is correct and should be used across the galaxy. Based on indecipherable measurements developed from questionable aspects of the Commonwealth's history, supporters state it is easy to be used in everyday life, but not readily convertible for scientific purposes.

Image: Last year the Xenonion made a non-accidental attempt to publish advertisements dated with both time systems. It was not well received.

Image: Last year the Xenonion made a non-accidental attempt to publish advertisements dated with both time systems. It was not well received.

The Asuri Republic promotes the controversial Worm-Time System (WTS), which states the current year is 5005-Yellow. Little is known about how this time system operates, other than it was developed from the assumptions of time being sight.

The UNE has called upon remaining "holdout" empires using non-Metric time to switch to the 'universal standard' and force adjust their calendars to 2251.

However, the CoM has argued that in switching from 2218 to 2251, it would be unclear if its empire's technology would advance by 33 years, or indeed whether that would solve a longstanding crisis of its planetary trains not running on time.

The Asuri Republics have called for "consideration and compromise" on both sides, adding; "what was, will be."

> More accurate reporting from Xan'dolf Leexidanaca could not be possible

Survey reveals significant numbers of fleet admirals overworked, substance misusing

Image: The CRASH survey highlights significant concerns raised by fleet admirals.

Image: The CRASH survey highlights significant concerns raised by fleet admirals.

Lyria, Argea System, Lyrian Polity

Admirals across the galaxy feel that their concerns are not being taken seriously by their respective governments, a new survey has revealed.

The Critical Review of Admiral Satisfaction & Happiness (CRASH) survey is an annual poll undertaken by members of the Guild Academy for Generals & Admirals (GAGA), a pan-galactic representative body for military command personnel.

The 14,000 respondents to CRASH represented almost all fleet admirals working in the known regions of space, across nearly 6,000 empires.

Worryingly, only 11% indicated they were happy in their current job, and 93% had 'extreme concerns' about remaining employed as a fleet admiral.

The most commonly cited concerns included being dangerously fatigued through managing extremely large fleets, feeling overwhelmed by complex operations micromanagement, safety concerns over ineffective emergency warp protocols and personal health concerns over high rates of substance misuse traits in older admirals.

On average, over 70% of admirals aged over 120 had some form of acquired negative trait, with substance misusing being the most common. Admirals commanding fleets of over 400 ships were also more likely to be substance misusing, and rated their happiness lowest.

Interestingly, those working on 'atypical' contracts, such as pirate outfits, rated their happiness highest.

The results also highlight a mistrust of governing bodies. Only 41% of admirals polled felt their governments took safety protocols seriously.

Earlier this year, United Nations of Earth (UNE) retired admiral A.K. Barr warned that some of his former colleagues were being forced to work for up to 17 years without an adequate break. He subsequently resigned amid failures of the UNE government to address lengthy emergency warp times and the longstanding issue of transport fleets perpetually renaming themselves.

These sentiments were echoed by Lyrian Polity admiral Belessaria P'Sayle, who told our newsteam:

"For too long our warnings have gone unheeded. Admirals have a huge responsibility and play a vital role in keeping the galaxy's military-industrial complexes profitable. Yet we have no quality of life. Have you ever tried to command anything beyond your own body? Can you imagine commanding several thousand other bodies aboard several hundred ships? This is what we're expected to do, for our entire lifespan. We're tired. It's not safe, and it's not fair."

Admirals such as Barr and P'Sayle have welcomed the introduction of so-called 'doomstack regulations' by the Galactic UN, but feel this doesn't go far enough to address the above problems. P'Sayle continued:

"I'm glad they're introducing fleet caps. That at least means we'll be commanding smaller fleets, meaning we're less stressed. It should also mean that more admirals are hired. But why is no-one talking about improved pay, or retiring before we die from old age on our flagship? These are the core issues we need addressed."

Some admirals have called for pan-galactic unionization through the Guild Academy for Generals and Admirals, however this would need to be formalized through a ballot.

Individual governments have already warned against such a move, stating that could potentially amount to individual admirals committing high treason.

The Galactic UN has reported it is working "diligently" to address "issues adversely affecting admirals and fleets", with 'doomstack regulation' being the first legislative step towards this.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

New research shows that Schedi Nebula is actually mislabeled interstellar gigafauna

Image: The Picaress Drift dwarfs any other known spaceborne aliens, its sheer size and scale having a distracting effect on scientists

Image: The Picaress Drift dwarfs any other known spaceborne aliens, its sheer size and scale having a distracting effect on scientists

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

Astronomers and xenobiologists at the Earth's prestigious University of Ulm revealed at a press conference today that the object previously known as the Schedi Nebula is actually a particularly large specimen of a new interstellar species.

The mistake seems to have arisen from a combination of incorrect estimations of distance to the object from orbital telescopes and a poor understanding of the scale of interstellar creatures.

The Schedi Nebula was charted and documented from Earth some decades ago, but it wasn’t until this year that the misclassification was discovered. The discovery occurred when a United Nations of Earth (UNE) starship attempted to establish its position by referencing the supposed nebula only to find that it had moved.

Subsequent re-imaging of the gigafauna's current location has revealed an amorphous white and fuzzy blob that UNE citizens have uninspiringly named 'Fluffy.'

Dr. Desiderus Alachisling, Professor of Xenoscience at the University of Ulm told the our newsteam:

“This is obviously somewhat embarrassing, but being wrong is a critical part of the scientific process. We are excited to learn more, and to uncover the truth about Fluffy. Why did we think it was a nebula? Why does it look so fluffy?”

While many scientists have welcomed Alachisling's statement, UNE central government has ordered a public inquiry into the misclassification, given that billions of energy credits had been specifically invested to help astronomers tell the difference between what's space, and what's a fluffy blob.

At the time of writing the interstellar lifeform was on a trajectory towards the Sol System.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Construction ships unable to commence work, cartography blamed

Pictured: A UNE construction ship is faced with confusion as to where it can and cannot build.

Pictured: A UNE construction ship is faced with confusion as to where it can and cannot build.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

The planned construction of three new government sponsored orbital mining platforms in the Chisellion system has come to an abrupt halt after United Nations of Earth (UNE) construction ships reported they were not authorized to operate in the area.

The uninhabited, mineral rich system of Chisellion is approximately twenty light years from Sol. With relatively easy access via 3 hyperlanes, the area has long been viewed as a prime development site.

Recent cartographic surveys carried out by science ships suggested Chisellion fell within UNE borders after the completion of a frontier outpost in Procyon.

However, once construction ships arrived in the system, operators realised Chisellion actually lay just outside UNE borders.

Galactic law, as laid out by the Galactic United Nations, arbitrarily forbids the construction of industrial space platforms outwith claimed territory and owing to this, construction workers refused to begin work.

UNE sector governor for the region, Emilio Hermes, stated:

"Apologies, this is a clerical error on my part. I have a very pretty map overview of our territory, but it look the longest time for me to realise that the map is in 3D, so sometimes some systems that look like they're within our borders, aren't. It can be a bit confusing really. Did you know that you have to go up to get to Barnard's Star from Sol? But it's only evident when you rotate the map 90 degrees? I've written to the map designers about it. I guess we can spend the 130 minerals not being used on construction to design a new interface or something."

U-Poll metrics highlight the construction workers have faced a public opinion mallus for refusing to work. However, as one employee (who wished to remain anonymous) told us:

"I'm just paid to build stuff, not to mess with abstract concepts like why we can only build frontier outposts outwith our own borders."

The borders of a recently established UNE colony in Sirius is expected to encompass Chisellion in the coming weeks, but xenophobic factions within the UNE have pointed to this as another example of bureaucratic overreach stifling growth.

Construction in Chisellion is scheduled to recommence in Q1 of 2251.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Commonwealth of Man insults ‘repugnant xeno’ United Nations of Earth

Image: File picture of Executor Beauclair in the Commonwealth Palace.

Image: File picture of Executor Beauclair in the Commonwealth Palace.

Unity, Deneb System, Commonwealth of Man

The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) today launched a volley of scathing insults aimed at the United Nations of Earth (UNE).

In a statement broadcast to state-owned media, CoM leader Executor Sidney Beauclair announced:

"The United Nations of Earth's repeated cursed acts of treachery against humanity are in betrayal of such profound trust and warm love shown by the Commonwealth of Man. Their political tricksters and military imbeciles are at the centre of a plot aimed to fraud and swindle our glorious Commonweath, which has been bared for all to admire, but never touch. Their citizens are repugnant xenos, cowering under their layers of clothes, hiding their sad frames from us. Their leader, so-called president Jeffrey Rossario, is a mentally deranged individual steeped in the inveterate enmity towards the Commonwealth. Like a rabid dog, the UNE tries to bite us. We will bite back."

While it is not clear what has prompted this statement, relations between the neighbouring spacenations have been increasingly frosty in recent months, most notably after the CoM test fired long-range fusion missiles near to the UNE system of Procyon.

Political analysts on Earth suspect the insult may be in response to the UNE’s plans to build a series of frontier outposts in mineral-rich territory the CoM has been planning on expanding towards. Intergalactic relations expert Professor Charles Charlemagne XXI of Earth's University of Ulm added:

"This is simple sabre rattling on the Commonweath's part. We've seen this pattern of behaviour before when things haven't been going well in their internal affairs - a food or energy crisis for example. Suddenly the UNE gets labelled as some external aggressor, the people have an existential crisis and fall in line behind Beauclair. The UNE has done nothing to warrant this - aside from destroying several dozen Commonweath ships, and implanting a network of spies on Unity to rile up discontent - the whole thing is totally unjustified."

The CoM, a UNE breakaway state, was formed in 2150 after Sidney Beauclair’s grandfather, Magnus Beauclair, overthrew the crew of the USS Ulysses, a colony ship, and settled the planet of Unity in the Deneb system, shaping political affairs in his own image.

For decades the one-planet Commonwealth has been one of the galaxy’s most secretive societies, a nominal democracy ruled in reality under a fanatic militarist and xenophobic hereditary dictatorship. Almost of a century of rigid state control have led to a stagnant economy and limited space expansion. The government’s permissive attitude towards slavery and purging political opponents has left it being accused of systematic xeno rights abuses by the Galactic UN.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Humanity celebrates fairly inane orbiting event

Image: Breaking news alert - UNE hysteria over fairly routine orbiting event.

Image: Breaking news alert - UNE hysteria over fairly routine orbiting event.

A record number of 8.3 billion humans are set to celebrate a fairly inane orbiting event later today on Earth, the United Nations of Earth’s eponymous homeworld.

The locally termed ‘solar eclipse’ will see the orbit of Earth’s moon, Luna, line up directly between Earth and Sol, the system’s sun. Planetside, this gives the appearance of Sol being ‘blacked out’, dimming light momentarily.

Regarded as a minor space weather anomaly by the majority of other space-faring nations, humans have anticipated the event with fervent hysteria, with many on Earth planning on actually venturing outside and staring directly into blinding light to watch a temporary visibility change.

The response from across the galaxy has been scathing. The UNE’s longstanding rivals, the Bak’nerg, issued this statement earlier:

“It’s worrying to see a species that has achieved FTL fawn over something most pre-FTL species wouldn’t even bother worshipping for a pantheon. Our galaxy literally has apocalyptic Unbidden invaders, giant laser beams, space dragons, and yet the humans are more excited about this.”

Human historian Dr. Harvey Henry Harvey hit back however, stating:

“The eclipse is culturally significant to us, and that should be respected. Granted, I can’t really tell you why it’s significant to us, other than it’s a bit odd to see it being dark when we expect it to be light, but there you go. Humanity is known to have longstanding pointless ritualistic events and behaviours, like shopping and capitalism in general. If we want to burn our own eyes by having a gawk at the galaxy, let us do so. And anyway, the other aliens shouldn’t judge, half of them look like giant d*cks.”

The criticism comes at a time when the UNE’s political reputation in the local cluster is particularly delicate, following a string of recent scandals involving its sitting president, Jeffrey Rossario. Notably despite this, Rossario's opinion polls have actually improved today following the introduction of a mandatory 15-day 'Solar Eclipse Public Holiday' for all UNE citizens.

> More accurate reporting from Xan’dolf Leexidanaca could not be possible.

Blorg Commonality allowed to compete in Earth's 2251 Football Championship

Blorg Prime, Blorg System, Blorg Commonality

The Human Football Authority (HFA) has confirmed the Blorg Commonality will be allowed to participate in the United Nations of Earth's (UNE's) 2251 Football Championship.

The Blorg have had a longstanding and overly attached fascination with human culture since first contact, and for years have petitioned the HFA to allow their species to compete in the human-only pastime.

The HFA previously rejected the Blorgs' request on the grounds they lack feet, which had been deemed as essential to play. However, following the Blorgs' pledge to assist the UNE in the War on the Unbidden, the HFA relaxed this criteria.

Football, also known as soccer or sphere kicking, is a traditional human game in which two opposing teams chase a small, brightly-coloured, gas-filled orb, also known as a 'ball'. The game takes place on a large, flat green-hued fescue field, locally known as 'grass', under Earth-like gravity. The two teams each guard one of two nets standing on opposite sides of the field, and points are scored depending on how often each team can penetrate their opponents nets with the orb. In an unusual twist, each team is only allowed to move the orb with their lower limbs, hence the 'foot' prefix. The team with the most points at the end of the game wins. 

The Football Championship runs annually in Earth's capitol of Ulm, with teams fielded from each UNE planet. FC Earth-Ryukyu and FC Horizon are the best known teams in the local cluster.

Image: The Blorg Commonality has already formed an intragalactic team and is currently in the process of recruiting players.

Image: The Blorg Commonality has already formed an intragalactic team and is currently in the process of recruiting players.

News that the Blorg have been allowed into the championships has stirred a buzz on Blorg Prime, with thousands requesting to participate, like Gunilla Miller, a freelance librarian on St. Knatchbull:

"I'm very excited! Football is so intriguing. I'm very interested in spheres, and I'm very interested in human legs. When the prospect of interacting with these two elements in the form of a game with our human friends came up, I just couldn't resist it."

The reaction among human football fans has generally been positive, as FC Earth-Ryukyu fan Misha Kontarsky told us:

"I think it adds something different to the game, having a team that doesn't have legs and can only slither across the pitch in a slow manner. Plus, it gives those poor human players over at FC Horizon a chance to finally win a match."

The announcement will likely pave the way for other non-human species to apply to compete, which in turn may lead to the creation of the first intergalactic sports association.

Tune in to our sports segment tonight for further coverage on the above developments.

> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize could not be possible.

Exogeology study reveals theoretical maximum size of planets

Image: the University of Ulm’s SQuARES study reveals a surprising trend in the distribution of planet sizes. (SQuARES Study, Vol et al, Scientific Journal of Reddit, Aug 2250)

Image: the University of Ulm’s SQuARES study reveals a surprising trend in the distribution of planet sizes. (SQuARES Study, Vol et al, Scientific Journal of Reddit, Aug 2250)

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

A recent breakthrough in exogeology at the University of Ulm has born convincing evidence that planetary bodies in the universe cannot be larger than 25 squares.

Professor Julian Vol, Chair of the University of Ulm's Department of Physics and Astronomy, led the work of nearly 150 scientists from around the local cluster in the landmark Survey to Quantify Amount ofRectangles on Earth-like Surfaces (SQuARES) study. 

In an interview with the highly respected peer-reviewed Scientific Journal of Reddit, Prof. Vol said the following of the discovery:

"A leap forward like this one does not occur often in any area of science, and when it does it usually is the result of great effort. This pursuit of the truth has been no different. I cannot express how proud I am to have interacted with and coordinated so many great minds throughout the duration of this project."

The work by Prof. Vol and others was conducted over the course of 13 years and required first-hand data collection from nearly 75 star systems as well as remotely-collected data from 100,000 more. These data sets were processed by the Co-Orbital Computer (COC), a two kilometer sphere that orbits Sol at Earth's second Lagrange point.

The study was one of the most expensive ever undertaken in human history, with the COC costing 300 million energy credits alone to construct. Extra funding was allocated from the UNE's Ministry of Defence on the condition a series of 'scientific' XL Tachyon Lances could be installed on the COC.

The study has been criticised by some for its methodology and unclear definition of what exactly 25, or indeed 1 square means.

When prompted to explain this result in more detail, Prof. Vol responded:

"I'm not sure what you are asking. It is simply the case that planets quite literally cannot be larger than 25 squares. The unit is a sq or square. By definition 1 square would be 1/25th of a very big planet."

University of Ulm alumini have been quick to dub this result "Vol's Law", but Prof. Vol has insisted that this name be discarded in favor of something more descriptive, such as "The 25-Square Rule of Planetary Geology".

> More accurate news from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

UNE translation software useless for new flagellum-waving species

Image: The translation devices are methodically and thoroughly tested before being put into practice to prevent awkward misunderstandings.

Image: The translation devices are methodically and thoroughly tested before being put into practice to prevent awkward misunderstandings.

Gacrux, Gacrux System, Nagli Dominion

First contact between United Nations of Earth (UNE) representatives and a delegation from the recently discovered planet of Gacrux was made difficult yesterday owing to a failure of UNE translation software to parse the communication method used by the Nagli, the only intelligent inhabitants of Gacrux.

The Nagli do not communicate using sound like most other sentient species in the galaxy. Instead, they move their several flagella around to convey thoughts and ideas. They have evolved to be able to see infrared light so that nighttime communication is possible, and their anatomy also features a complete view of all surroundings with the use of 36 well-placed eyes.

After conducting routine research about the nature of the Nagli and Gacrux, UNE officials made the decision last month to move forward with an official first contact.

Questions remained about how exactly the Nagli were communicating, but it was assumed that this would become obvious upon interaction. This was not the case.

Captain Joseph Krik of the USS Shakira, a specialist in first contacts, said of the incident:

"It was actually quite refreshing to have to begin communication from nothing and work up. Perhaps the most beautiful thing in the universe is the peaceful beginning of interstellar communication."

After nearly three hours of deciphering, UNE officials were finally able to make basic overtures to the Nagli. It was apparently necessary for six members of the UNE delegation to stand together and all arrange their arms correctly to match the flagella of a single Nagle. The Nagli response was - according to the best guesses of UNE linguists - warm and welcoming, if slightly exasperated.

A device that will allow for more automatic communication between the UNE and Nagli Union is already being designed, and the first prototypes have performed well in the initial tests, despite significant engineering challenges. According to the UNE sociologists working on the project, the first tier of the translation device should be completed within sixteen months.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Stone-age primitives worship fiery fleet battle aftermath

Image: A tribe of molluscoid primitives on Sirius V observes the glowing wreckage from the Battle of Sirius on a clear night. This tribe seems to regard it as the malevolent embodiment of all the hatred and anger in the universe.

Image: A tribe of molluscoid primitives on Sirius V observes the glowing wreckage from the Battle of Sirius on a clear night. This tribe seems to regard it as the malevolent embodiment of all the hatred and anger in the universe.

Sirius V Orbital Research Station, Sirius System, United Nations of Earth

United Nations of Earth (UNE) xenopologists studying stone-age civilizations on Sirius V have observed numerous groups of primitives worshiping still-glowing warship wreckage orbiting in the outer limit of the planet's atmosphere.

The debris is believed to have originated from the Battle of Sirius, a space battle which occurred 5 years ago above Sirius V, and resulted in a decisive victory for the UNE against the Bak'nerg, a neighbouring race of aesthetically unpleasing reptilian fanatic purifiers.

The UNE's 1st Starfleet, commanded by Admiral A.K Barr aboard the USS Yoko Ono, crippled the Bak'nerg navy despite being significantly outnumbered, and in the process destroyed the reptilian flagship BWS N'Kashka.

N'Kashka's violent destruction, and the resulting explosion of its central reactor, created a large debris field which have since become locked in orbit above Sirius V, still glowing with residual energy from the advanced heat sink materials used in Bak'nerg engineering.

UNE scientists aboard the newly constructed Sirius V Orbital Research Station quickly noticed N'Kashka's wreckage appeared to be having a profound sociocultural impact on the planetside molluscoid primitives.

Dr. Nalia Monshego, director of the station, described the team's "incredibly exciting" observations;

"From the surface, the debris cloud is extremely large, equivalent to the planet's largest moon, Sirius V Minor, which the primitives previously held well developed mythologies around it being an omnipotent aphrodisiac sky molluscoid. However, since the wreckage has appeared, the primitives' belief systems appear to have been significantly altered."

The various primitive cultures have not reacted uniformly to the debris - some are actively worshipping it as a new central deity, but other subgroups have reacted much more negatively, as Dr. Monshego reported;

"One culture on the planet has apparently even been observed trying to recreate the explosion. While it is most unlikely that the primitives would succeed in this endeavour, their new fascination for violent detonations has lead to them to prematurely invent gunpowder. If they invent guns and biologically develop opposable thumbs, this may have a dramatic impact on the future of their species."

Dr. Monshego's team are due to publish their observations latter this month in the Earth's prestigious peer-reviewed Reddit Journal of Science.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Taco Bell launches controversial new xeno-flavoured menus

Image: Taco Bell’s latest advertisement displaying the newest additions to its menu.

Image: Taco Bell’s latest advertisement displaying the newest additions to its menu.

Taco Bell, a human chain of fine-dining restaurants, has stirred controversy across the local cluster after announcing plans to serve sentient species in its updated gourmet menu.

Launching the contemporary cuisine from a press conference aboard Taco Bell's corporate space station, ISS Mexcellent, CEO Jale Peneo stated:

"Taco Bell has always been at the forefront of pushing the boundaries of our collective tastebuds.

You only have to look at our innovative history to see that - in 2100 we had the award-winning 7-Layer Domestic Cat Taco©. In 2150 we had the universally loved Double Opium Crunchwrap©. 

However, today marks the launch of a game changer.

Taco Bell is taking pan-galactic flavours to the next level with our Xenowrap© range- including the Chili Con Cutie©, Soylent Taco© and the highly anticipated Roasted Pre-Sent© .

Xenos have enthralled us since we discovered FTL. We've talked to them, traded with them, heck even waged war with them -- but have we ever really eaten them? Not until now!"

Taco Bell has already identified several planets in the neutral zone to begin domesticating and harvesting sentient and pre-sentient native species for mass consumption. Industry experts suspect pre-industrial species who cannot read or write, and thus sign disclosure forms, will be targeted.

The decision seems to be largely related to the Galactic UN passing the 'Unity resolution', which has enshrined the rights of omnivores to eat other species, if they are deemed delicious enough.

Xenophiles from across the galaxy have decried Taco Bell's new menu as "abhorrent" and "really overpriced."

Garden worlds such as New Eden and Horizon have also lobbied UNE central government to block the menu, due to fears that a shift towards so-call 'xenomnivorism' could damage their traditional genetically modified chicken-cow-sheep-horse chimera farming economy.

Our newsteam put these concerns to Peneo at the press conference, who replied:

"For those who have issue with eating Xenos, fear not, we have our vegetarian Plantoid Variety Pack©, which contains as many plant-things that feel pain as we could find."

Taco Bell shares rallied on the announcement.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

UNE fleet admiral resigns over "unsafe" emergency warp protocols

Image: UNE Admiral A.K Barr pictured aboard the Citadel, Earth's primary military starport.

Image: UNE Admiral A.K Barr pictured aboard the Citadel, Earth's primary military starport.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

Central government is tonight downplaying the shock resignation of Admiral A.K. Barr, one of the UNE's most decorated fleet admirals.

In an open letter to fleet command at the Dodecahedron in Ulm, Barr addressed several areas of concern ranging from "underpowered" space defence platforms, to the "outrageous" Great Space Wall plan recently set forth by embattled President Jeffrey Rossario.

Barr was especially critical of emergency warp protocols, the process ships use to rapidly evacuate from a system with overpowered foes. For both civilian and military UNE ships, this process can take up to 30 days, which Barr stated is "unacceptable."

He cited the recent tragedy involving UNE flagship Ariana Grande, wherein 300 souls were lost after the corvette mistakenly warped into a gas-heavy system during Tiyanki mating season. A recently published investigation found the ship's captain, rear admiral Jane Way, issued an appropriate immediate emergency warp order, but it took 30 days for the warp drive to fire. The agitated Tiyanki inflicted minimal damage to the ship's hull, but its warp drive could not be overriden, and the ship ran out of oxygen several days later.

Aged 112, Earth-born Barr is one of the planet's longest serving military personnel. Graduating at age 22 in the top percentile of his class at Fleet Academy in Ulm, he went on to captain some of the most famous ships in the UNE fleet, including the Bjork-class Yoko Ono.

His resignation comes at an extremely difficult time for the UNE government, which is still reeling from President Rossario's pending corruption investigation, and the recent loss of the human settled Terminus System to the Unbidden.

Central government as yet has not responded to Barr's letter, however it is widely expected they will try to placate concerns by allowing fleet crew to take two weeks vacation during 30-day warp periods, if encountered.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.