Xenophobe

Inward perfectionists inwardly perfect, bored

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Image: Tokaa Prime, an agrarian idyll world

As it renews its Peace Festivals edict to celebrate 75 years of non-violence, the Tokaa Commonwealth faces a different problem among its leaders – boredom.

With a few exceptions, the isolated xenophobic republic’s constitution forbids engaging in diplomacy with alien empires, cutting it off form the labyrinthine negotiations and cutthroat politics of the galactic stage. In addition, getting approval for an offensive war is virtually impossible because it requires a major change in Tokaa policy that would upset the nation’s various factions and risk lowering pop approval below 100%.

As a result, the government’s main role is to deal with internal matters, such as maintaining the economy and infrastructure. However, that requires relatively little effort, leaving leaders with nothing to do most of the time.

First Speaker Fang Sha told Xenonion News:

“The most exciting thing I got to do this term was sign off on a round of infrastructure upgrades after waiting several months to get enough minerals. Everyone in the Commonwealth is living in utopian abundance, but I just feel empty inside. Sometimes I wish I was out there, crusading against fanatic purifiers or forming federations.”

Image: First Speaker Fang Sha longs for “just a little chaos" to “spice things up a bit.”

Image: First Speaker Fang Sha longs for “just a little chaos" to “spice things up a bit.”

To cope with these feelings, Fang says she turned to Zro, a common pursuit among bored Tokaa government officials.

All types of Tokaa leaders say they feel the same. Due to the extended period of peace, the Commonwealth’s admirals and generals have not seen any action within their lifetimes. They are stuck at level one, parking their fleets and armies in orbit around their home star. In a way, they are cursed by their own success – their navy is powerful enough to deter any potential invaders.

In addition, other empires have closed their borders to the Tokaa in retaliation to their closed borders policy, and as a result Tokaa scientists are unable to explore the galaxy outside their borders.

Chang Suli, a Tokaa scientist with the Carefree trait told Xenonion News:

“Every day I dream about investigating the Insidious Sniran, but it’s locked away in some other empire. Even my great grandparents dreamed of seeing them, but none of us have ever had a chance. We just wanted to be left alone in peace, but we didn’t realize it would be so boring.”

Image: Chang Suli, who does look suspiciously similar to First Speaker Fang Sha, but to suggest its anything more than coincidence may put you at risk of charges of treason from the Interstellar Thought Crime Bureau.

Image: Chang Suli, who does look suspiciously similar to First Speaker Fang Sha, but to suggest its anything more than coincidence may put you at risk of charges of treason from the Interstellar Thought Crime Bureau.

Chang, unlike most of his colleagues, did not become a substance abuser. Instead, he investigates the mysterious L-gate in the Maw of Ebony system in his spare time, and he says he’s pretty close to figuring it out.

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Fanatic xenophobes have a soft spot for charismatic species

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Scythaa, Klandethu, Scythaan Systems

A recent survey of the highly xenophobic Scythaan arthropods found that despite their universal hatred of other species, they are remarkably tolerant towards an unassuming race of Avians, known as the Ciran, because of their natural charisma. 

Since the Scythaans typically purge or enslave outsiders on sight, an undercover Xenonion News interview team cunningly disguised themselves as Scythaans to conduct the study safely.

In one notable encounter, the following was able to be translated from Scythaan clicking noises:

“On a scale of 0 to -1000, I’d put the Ciran around a -975. Like, I still hate them, obviously. But something about them is just... less despicable, you know what I mean? Whoa, are you ok? Your antenna looks a little... droopy.”

Image: The recorded Scythaan, who our investigative team named Sir Clicks-A-Lot, had interesting opinions about the Ciran.

Image: The recorded Scythaan, who our investigative team named Sir Clicks-A-Lot, had interesting opinions about the Ciran.

When asked to choose among several species to enslave, all Scythaan pops interviewed responded that owning a Ciran slave would make them up to 5% happier. In addition, most respondents ranked the Ciran as last for the question, 'What order would you purge these species in?'

Most Ciran individuals live in the eponymous Ciran Kingdom, a small vassal of the neighboring Luuhma Combine on the other side of the galaxy. While the kingdom has generally positive relationships with its neighbors, it has virtually zero contact with the Scythaans, so the results of the survey came as a surprise to many Ciran pops.

Tyudelek, a citizen of the Ciran Kingdom, told Xenonion News:

“Who are these creeps and how do they know about us? We don’t even know them, they’re one of our contacts’ contacts... I knew I shouldn't have left my FaceBlorg profile on public."

Image: Tyudelek is 'strongly considering' deleting his FaceBlorg page for up to one week, possibly even two.

Image: Tyudelek is 'strongly considering' deleting his FaceBlorg page for up to one week, possibly even two.

In unrelated news, a Xenonion News investigative team was found dead in the Scythaan Systems after masquerading as Scythaan pops. A Xenonion News internal investigation has concluded that "such tragedy could never have been predicted."

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Census indicates xenophilia most common ethos

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

Preliminary results from the 2251 Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) census have highlighted that xenophila is the most common ethos adopted by space-nations.

While the full census results are yet to be released, the above information was contained in a tweet sent out by the GtFO over the weekend.

Image: The tweet from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO)

Image: The tweet from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO)

The news has been met with surprise from across the galactic community, as many expected the xenophobic ethos, which is extremely vocal on the Neural Net, to be much more common.

Sarah Smith, president of the xenophilic Blorg Commonality told Xenonion News of her reaction;

“We’re very pleased. Although, I suppose as xenophiles we’re quite easy to please - here, have some influence for your trouble. This shows all species are xenophilic at heart. If they have a heart. High fives, flagella and tentacles all round!”

Image: Xenophilic Sarah Smith appeared even more radiant and lubricated compared to usual following the census announcement.

Image: Xenophilic Sarah Smith appeared even more radiant and lubricated compared to usual following the census announcement.

Xaox, a spokesperson for the xenophobic Xanid Suzerainty, disagreed:

“This is outrageous! The numbers are clearly wrong. This sounds like fake space news peddled by the pro-xeno media. What has become of Xenonion News? [pause] … What? What do you mean I can’t say anything negative about Xenonion during this interview?
[pause] … Woah, woah, come on, okay, there’s no need to bring out a nerve stapler…. wait… WAI—"

Image: Xenophobic Xaox, in between bouts of uncontrollable drooling, now speaks very highly of Xenonion News.

Image: Xenophobic Xaox, in between bouts of uncontrollable drooling, now speaks very highly of Xenonion News.

Spiritualist Ar’dent from the Etoki Foundation also disagreed, telling us:

“HERESY! Every day we stray further from the Worm’s light.”

Image: Spiritualist Ar'dent just wonders if he can have a minute of your time to talk to you about his light and saviour, Worm.

Image: Spiritualist Ar'dent just wonders if he can have a minute of your time to talk to you about his light and saviour, Worm.

Prikk from the Scythaan Systems, a species of fanatically purifying arthropods, appeared more optimistic;

“This bodes well. More multi-cultural worlds means more lovely species for us to meat. I mean, meet.”

Image: Prikk the Devourer blends in well with his surroundings. But he assures us he's not going to eat anyone. For now.

Image: Prikk the Devourer blends in well with his surroundings. But he assures us he's not going to eat anyone. For now.

It is hoped the full results of the census will be released in the coming weeks.

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