Yondarim

Health scare as Zortax recalls sentient meat due to contamination concerns

Image: A Zortax Hive supervisor oversees Yondarim meat production at one of their main processing facilities.

Image: A Zortax Hive supervisor oversees Yondarim meat production at one of their main processing facilities.

Production Hub 1, System C, Zortax Hive

The Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) has warned devouring swarms and xeno-eaters not to consume any Yondarim meat due to contamination concerns.

The announcement came hours after the Galactic Food Standards Agency (GFSA) confirmed that it had found classified 'pathogenic particles' in the meat, and ordered an urgent recall.

Yondarim meat is processed exclusively by the Zortax Hive, the galaxy's largest provider of sentient meat.

The delicacy is particularly popular among devouring swarms due to its taste and high levels of nutrition, however over the last 2 weeks the meat has been linked to upwards of 3.5 million cases of gut rot, 50% of which have culminated in death.

Image: The Galactic Food Standards Authority have released an urgent food recall for all Yondarim meat best before May 2252.

Image: The Galactic Food Standards Authority have released an urgent food recall for all Yondarim meat best before May 2252.

Chalgax Vippum, chief of the GFSA's inspection division, told Xenonion News:

“There’s something very wrong with the Yondarim meat being produced by the Zortax Hive. While I can't go into any more detail, particles have been found in the meat that are making consumers extremely ill. Our inquiry is ongoing but we know the Zortax have extremely strict food safety standards so we believe it is unlikely this issue has arisen from their production line."

Image: Scyldari-born Chalgax Vippum heads the GFSA's investigative branch and is "looking into all possibilities" regarding the contaminated meat.

Image: Scyldari-born Chalgax Vippum heads the GFSA's investigative branch and is "looking into all possibilities" regarding the contaminated meat.

The GFSA are believed to be following a lead that the meat may have been intentionally poisoned as a means to halt Yondarim processing.

Glugub Bnorr, an official representative of the Kingdom of Yondarim told Xenonion News:

"While we of course deny any illegal wrongdoing, we couldn't be more pleased. The Zortax had been declaring war on our empire every ten years with the hopes of converting our citizens into food - they only won last year. The idea of methodically being processed to be eaten by neighbouring empires has been psychologically quite difficult for our species to adapt to, so we're glad to get some respite from this. But no, we're definitely not telling our citizens to dose themselves carefully with dark matter to allow it to accrue in muscle tissue and cause food poising to anybody that eats it. And no, we're definitely not funding that program through Medicare either. Why would you suggest that? Oh, wait... you didn't?"

Image: Yondarin Glugub Bnorr is best served piping hot with honey glaze and a mustard relish.

Image: Yondarin Glugub Bnorr is best served piping hot with honey glaze and a mustard relish.

The GFSA has launched a formal investigation into the Kingdom of Yondarim's role in the meat scandal, and has warned if the empire is complicit in making its own people unfit to be eaten it could face stiff charges from the Galactic UN's Supreme Court.

Vippum went on to state:

“Look, I know it’s not pleasant having your culture and society systemically wiped out, but that doesn't mean you can flaunt food safety regulations just because you don’t want to be eaten. If the Yondarim are doing this, then they're being unreasonable and selfish. They're making innocent xeno younglings out there very sick."

The Zortax Hive states it is "at one" with the GFSA's investigation and is complying with orders to stop Yondarim meat production and recall all active shipments.

Zortax spokesperson Supervising Unit 25 released this statement today:

"We would like to reassure all xeno lovers--ahem--xeno meat lovers that we remain committed to your health and safety and will continue to deliver healthy, wholesome xeno meats for you and your families. If you were affected by the tainted Yondarim meat, please contact us via the Shroud and we will do everything we can to right this wrong."

Image: Zortax Supervising Unit 25 speaks on behalf of the Zortax Hive.

Image: Zortax Supervising Unit 25 speaks on behalf of the Zortax Hive.

A joint statement by the GFSA and PISH has advised all xeno eaters to immediately stop cooking Yondarim products and return them to the point of purchase for a full refund.

When asked for an alternative, Vippum quipped;

“I’m not much of a cook, myself, but if you’re looking for a decent substitute to Yondarim, I’d give Human a try. Look, I know people frown on eating them because... well... it's hard to deny they're kinda gross-looking, but it’s dirt cheap and not all that different if you prepare it properly.”

Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) for Zortax, and its largest corporate customer TacoBell, have fallen on the news.

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Area empire colonizes Prophet’s Retreat in move experts call “extremely reckless”

Image: The beautiful gaia world of Prophet's Retreat in the Acrux System has long been regarded as a Holy World by the Vool Crusaders, even though the planet does not lie within their borders.

Image: The beautiful gaia world of Prophet's Retreat in the Acrux System has long been regarded as a Holy World by the Vool Crusaders, even though the planet does not lie within their borders.

Prophet’s Retreat, Acrux System, Glaxanon-Vool Border

Leaders of the Glaxanon Republic have made the daring move of colonizing Prophet’s Retreat, one of the most beloved and precious holy worlds of the Vool Crusaders, a notoriously fervid spiritualist stagnant ascendancy.

Politicians from neighbouring spacenations were reportedly shifting uncomfortably in their seats as they watched live neural streams of Glaxanon colonists assembling remnants of their battered ship into a temporary shelter on the gaia world.

Experts in intergalactic relations have called the move “extremely reckless.” One such critic, Professor Charles Charlemagne XXI of Earth’s University of Ulm, told our newsteam;

“The Glaxanonians must be pre-sapient. They’re either going to have to leave, or they’re going to wind up in a serious war. I mean, the planet’s name is Prophet’s Retreat. Not Boldaruun II, or Iaxa Prime, or some other bland, boring name. It’s called P-r-o-p-h-e-t-’s R-e-t-r-e-a-t. Can you put clapping emojis between those letters when this is written down? No? Ok. Well. Could it be any more obvious that planet is off limits? Holy Guardians aren’t hard to keep happy. You can squish up against their borders all you want, you can colonize tomb worlds, just leave their holy planets alone.”

Ghorgax B’Kak, leader of the Glaxanon Republic, thinks the galactic community’s response has been melodramatic, stating;

“Look, it’s a pristine jewel of a planet. It doesn’t have any dangerous wildlife or difficult terrain to clear, and orbits a perfect star. It’s absolute perfection. What’s so special about it to the Vool? Surely if it was *that* important to them they would have built a frontier outpost near it or something. It's their own fault, really.”

We attempted to contact the Vool’s religious leader for comment, but his advisor went on a tangential tirade about immature materialist fools and threatened to sacrifice our reporter to the Gargantua Black Hole. After composing himself, he was able to give the short statement outlined below.

Image: A statement from the Vool Crusaders on the news of the colonization.

Image: A statement from the Vool Crusaders on the news of the colonization.

This situation has also torn a rift between the Glaxanon Republic and their federation ally, the Iferyx Amalgamated Planets. The two allies have already been at odds with each other in the past over their divergent attitudes toward spirituality and materialism, but were united in their love and passion for crushing dissent and free speech.

Iferyxi President, Lokar X’blasa fears this may be the end of their partnership, telling our reporters;

“Look, it’s not our holy world, but we can empathise with the Vool, being spiritualists ourselves. But that’s not the biggest issue here. Let’s be frank: this is going to turn into a gigantic s***show and we don’t want to get annihilated by an angry superpower. As it is, they’ve been sending us some really nasty psi-mails and we know this is going to lead to war soon. We aren’t going to let this be our ruination.”

The Yondarim Forerunners, a materialist stagnant ascendancy and longtime rival to the Vool Crusaders, were one of the few spacenations to welcome Glaxanon’s colonization effort. Verner, a member of the executive ruling council, told us:

“You can’t expect a young nation like the Glaxanon to not take such an opportunity presented in front of them. I’d also like to take this moment to preemptively strenuously deny that we put any pressure on Glaxanon leadership to colonise Prophet's Retreat. Any assertion that we threatened them with war unless they did that is hearsay and slander, and reasonable casus belli for war.”

Image: Glaxanon colonists begin planetary colonization of Prophet's Retreat, seemingly ignoring warnings about its religious heritage.

Image: Glaxanon colonists begin planetary colonization of Prophet's Retreat, seemingly ignoring warnings about its religious heritage.

A consortium of spiritualist nations have appealed to the Galactic UN to intervene in the colonisation. B’Kak however, remains unwilling to vacate the planet, concluding;

“It would lead to our humiliation if we left the planet now. We’re staying there no matter what. And then, we’re going to begin the process of putting our populations’ minds into synthetic bodies. We’ll be unstoppable.

> More accurate reporting from Spagruum Yu'll could not be possible.

> More accurate editing from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.