Economy

Spies Demand Employment Opportunities, Creation of Espionage

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Spies from across the galaxy have unionized and are demanding both employment opportunities and the creation of espionage.

The new union for secret agents, name and location unknown, issued the demand via encrypted fax to the Galactic UN earlier this morning.

It followed a report from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) which highlighted that record numbers of scientists, rather than spies, are being used for covert infiltration operations on primitive worlds.

Philip Marlowe, a United Nations of Earth (UNE) spy who wished to remain anonymous, told Xenonion News:

“It’s just outrageous, every other career gets representation across the galaxy, from farmers right down to livestock, yet our government doesn’t have the time to invest in espionage? They’d rather send physicists on undercover missions over trained special agents?”

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The unnamed union highlighted a number of advantages for employing spies, including:

  • Re-appropriation of rivals’ intellectual property and energy credits

  • Disablement of enemy military fleets, installations and civilian infrastructure

  • Sowing civil unrest, or enforcing stability with unorthodox crime prevention techniques

  • Hosting large gala events in subterranean lairs, usually below volcano tile blockers

  • Increased success rates in wooing Blorg femme fatales

The spies are demanding the creation of a specialist ‘Spy’ job, an associated planetary building that would ideally include a nice office clouded with cigar smoke on that tile overlooking the East River, universal access to top-secret gadgets, badass hover car chases and comprehensive dental cover.

Marlowe continued;

“I’ve gone through years of training, espionage, counter-espionage, counter-counter-espionage and a masters degree in cutting eye-holes out of newspapers. It would be a shame to put that to waste.”

The union stated that if its demands were not met within seven days, all spies would covertly go on strike, warning it would cause “unnoticed chaos” in their non-existent jobs.

The Galactic UN confirmed it is considering their request, and as long as no-one on the Interstellar Assembly ‘accidentally’ ends up falling into the secret nest of Rattlings built as a trap below Conference Room 3, they may consider inventing espionage.

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*Article thumbnail and image adapted from original image by Joost Assink under Creative Commons License [https://www.flickr.com/photos/joostassink/2646931062/in/photostream/]

Fleet Needs Upgrading Again

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The Tzynn Empire’s attempts to engage rampaging pirates was again thwarted today after its entire military fleet was grounded for further upgrades.

The thirty corvettes and ten destroyers were commissioned less than a year ago, but engineers have struggled to keep pace with rapid technological change, upgrading ship armor, shields, engines and attack systems on almost a daily basis.

Today’s upgrade will see the ships fitted with the recently researched Plasteel Armor. At a cost of 325 alloys it boasts mild benefits compared to the Ceramo-Metal Armor that was installed just last week after an extensive nine-month retrofitting.

Militarist factions have criticized Tzynn Fleet Command for authorizing the upgrade, highlighting that the absence of regular fleet patrols appear to be emboldening pirate attacks on peripheral systems. Retired Tzynn Admiral Raxeg told Xenonion News;

“This whole situation is outrageous. The continual upgrades mean our primary fleet has never undocked from its home base, which is infuriating as, unlike other empires, we can actually afford to do that. The government is going to have to accept at some point the ships are combat ready, or as I keep petitioning our science department, just stop researching military tech for a couple of months.”

Image: Tzynn Admital Raxeg.

A spokesperson for the Tzynn government, Samux, told Xenonion News;

“These scheduled upgrades are vitally important for keeping our ships up-to-date with the latest technology, which means we’re more likely to win battles… if we can ever actually get to them. Plus, it’s like suuuper annoying to have that little upgrade icon keep popping up on our fleet manager screen. Like, you get rid of it, and then it just pops back up - the longer it’s left, the more times you have to click it. We’re really trying to keep on top of it.”

Image: Tzynn government spokesperson Samux.

Samux went on to stress that he was confident in the Tzynn’s military capabilities, stating; “we’ve only lost 16 systems to pirates, and only three of them had inhabited planets.”

The Tzynn Empire estimates its fleet will be completely upgraded at some point within the next three hundred years.

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Hivemind With Zero Trade Value Announces Ambitious Plans to Host Galactic Market

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The Saiiban Hivemind has launched a nomination bid to host the Galactic Market in its home system of Nos Bana.

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If approved by the Galactic UN, the pathetic-rated space nation will have significant influence over the galaxy’s most important financial institution, and reap the benefits of being at the center of interstellar trade.

Following its nomination submission, the Saiiban Hivemind issued a psionic press release via intrusive auditory hallucinations to reporters across major news outlets, in which it stated:

“We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one.”

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The Saiiban Hivemind is one of the galaxy’s smallest economies, relying solely on space tourism for income. Its geographic isolation on a remote spiral arm in the outer rim means it is also ranked as one of the worst economies by market capitalization, with a total trade value of zero.

Despite this, economists are optimistic about the Hivemind’s bid, as Space Exchange Index (SExI) trader Vahl Ztreet told Xenonion News:

“I think they have a pretty high chance of securing the Galactic Market. The Galactic UN’s decision making process is held behind closed doors, but they consistently rank economic backwaters with trade values bordering on negative numbers as the most attractive place to host such critical institutions.”

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Leaders of other space nations have complained about the process, which has taken many by surprise. Tik’Tok, leader of the Ubaric TechnoUnion, one of the galaxy’s largest economies told Xenonion News:

“This is outrageous. Our homeworld of Hyperion Prime is an ecumenopolis with a trade value of over 9000! We’re already the de-facto trading hub of the galaxy. Why haven’t we been informed that the Galactic UN was accepting applications for a Galactic Market? Can someone check our notifications again, I swear we didn’t get anything! Oh well. At least once the market is established we can request it rotates to us - there’s no way such a thing could be permanent.”

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The Galactic UN stated it will announce the location of the Galactic Market in Q2 of 2253.

The Hivemind is widely tipped to win the nomination, ahead of only two other spacenations which have applied for the institute; the TX-489 machine assimilators, and the socialist Snalien Räterepublik.

Composite shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have rallied on the news.

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Economists Unsure What That Little Resource Icon That Looks Like a Bar of Soap Is

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The Galactic UN has confirmed that its flagship pan-galactic economic overhaul legislation, the ‘Le Guin Act’, will come into effect early next month.

Primarily focusing on trade and corporate operations, the Act will also formalize the implementation of a new Planetary Management System (PMS 2.0) in lieu of planetary tiles.

While the proposal has been met with a mostly positive reaction by the galactic community, economists have warned that they need more time to prepare.

Aden Smyth, a leading economist from the United Nations of Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm told Xenonion News;

“I don’t think people realize how big a change this will be. For eons we have had three main resources - energy, minerals, and food. Now we’re going to have additional resources like volatile gases, motes and that one icon that looks like a bar of soap that I just can’t place. What does that soap thing do? How much will it cost? Will it become a new currency? See - if we can’t even work out the basics, this is likely to have serious repercussions for trade across the galaxy.”

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A subsection of the Le Guin Act, known as the ‘MegaCorp’ clause, it set to offer private corporations vast freedoms, including the rights to operate in essence as space nations.

Anti-corporate campaigners have strongly criticized this move. Curl Murks, a rather lubricated molluscoid, told our news team;

“It is madness to think the Galactic UN are actually condoning this thievery of the private sector! The addition of these new resources will only rob workers of their living wages and create friction between the classes. As a collective, we must ensure the invisible (non-corporate) hand guides empires away from this new system.”

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Other economists have not yet offered opinions on the situation as most have returned to educational institutions to update their economic qualifications, and these are not expected to be completed for another 5 years.

Aden Smyth concluded;

“The irony is by the time we finish fully studying all these new resources and principles, the entire economic system will have probably been overhauled several times so it will all be really out of date. There probably is some merit in just having unqualified economists who offer intermittent speculation. They’ll be in a much better place to advise us as to whether we should buy up shares in that soap thing.”

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Pirates Concerned About Limited Opportunities to Gain Experience

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Pirates at the Rukbat system, a historic hotbed of pirate activity, are worried about the future of the system, since there has been little combat recently to train new pirates.

Traders and science ships in the area have long since known to avoid the system, and as a result the last major fighting in the system occurred over 98 years ago in 2154.

Elder pirates blame this trend for the decline of the largest fleet in the system, a band of elite pirates known as the “Scarred Veterans,” which has grown smaller over time as the old, experienced pirates die out.

Captain Ultravioletbeard of the Black Earl told Xenonion News:

“Us pirates were a force to be reckoned with, back in the day. But the new generation isn’t going out to do any piracy, they’re just sitting around in the system waiting for people to come to them. After raiding for 40 years, we’ve earned the right to park our ships here forever. But they haven’t.”

Image: Pirates of the “Scarred Veteran” fleets often blame “Young Blood” pirates for not going out and looking for raiding opportunities.

Image: Pirates of the “Scarred Veteran” fleets often blame “Young Blood” pirates for not going out and looking for raiding opportunities.

Most of the younger pirates in the system, serve in the “Young Blood” fleet, which has remained in orbit around an asteroid for decades. They are reluctant to leave the Rukbat system to conduct piracy, claiming that times are harder for pirates throughout the galaxy as constantly-growing empires begin securing trade routes.

Private Milan Eel of the Soylent Green told Xenonion News:

“You used to be able to get a successful raid with a fleet of four Raiders your parents gave you. Now you need at least a Galleon, and even that might not be enough. And even if you raid for years, you still won’t pay off your ship debts, and don’t even get me started on how much it costs to maintain a fleet undocked. It’s no wonder pirates aren’t leaving their home system.”

In addition, the Xenonion News sentry array has also observed that pirates have been having difficulty rebuilding their fleets when ships are destroyed. Although pirate officials are tight-lipped about their financial situation, this points to a significant supply problem within the pirate community.

This problem could have a relatively simple solution, however. Initial survey results of the TNS Arpad, a science ship on passive stance that wandered into the system and was promptly destroyed, showed that many asteroids in the system were promising mining candidates. It is unclear, however, why the pirates have not exploited these resources by building mining stations.

Dr. Phoebe Strickland, an anthropologist specializing in pirate studies at the University of Ulm on Earth, concluded:

“We’re kind of thankful they haven’t realized all the minerals they’re sitting on, to be honest. Oh… and please don’t publish this quote, by the way. If they’re reading, they might start mining them, and I really don’t want to be the person who told the pirates how to get minerals to build new ships.”

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Researchers Hope to Find 'Fix' for Planetary Management System (PMS)

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The United Nations of Earth (UNE) Society Academy has announced the development of a new universal Planetary Management System (PMS) for governors, code-named 'PMS 2.0.'

It is hoped this new computer system will alleviate problems with the existing 300-year old Tile Interface Theory (TIT), which is currently used universally by space-nations to administrate planets.

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When the TIT was first introduced it was widely acclaimed for providing bureaucrats which a simple and intuitive overview of their planets, as Xenda'ar governor She'nar told us;

"I was TIT crazy to begin with. Couldn't get enough of it. It was fantastic - I could be at home, pretending to entertain my concubine's ramblings about our insipid domestic affairs, all the while ordering the construction of a basic farm on a Betharian stone deposit."

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However, over time, the system became increasingly criticized as 'inflexible' and 'constraining'. She'nar added;

"As my workload grew, TIT became problematic. There was no automation... by 2245 I was spending 38 hours a day clicking. Information became confusing. I couldn't even work out how many people lived on my planets. Did we ever find out what 1 pop equates to in real numbers?"

PMS 2.0 has promised to build upon the foundations laid by TIT, but improve administration flow by representing planets more dynamically.

She'nar went on to tell Xenonion:

"The data we are gaining from the UNE is absolutely astounding. The thought of PMS is no longer leaving me feel nauseous or bloated. PMS 2.0 now displays information on infrastructure, stability, approval ratings, worker types... it's amazing."

Proponents of TIT have argued PMS 2.0 is not without drawbacks - there is expected to be a significant spike in crime from the current rates of 0% when crime starts to be measured.

PMS 2.0 is still in developmental stages and is subject to changes, but the entire galaxy is eagerly awaiting its arrival.

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Blorg Commonality Declares Bankruptcy After Undocking Fleet From Spaceport

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The Blorg Commonality has filed for bankruptcy after undocking its 66-ship strong 1st Friend Fleet from its home spaceport.

The fungoid space-nation is one of the cluster’s largest economies, but has struggled to maintain positive energy credit flow after running out of influence to renew a capacity overload edict last month.

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The 1st Friend Fleet was undocked to assist combating rogue mining drones in outer Blorg systems, but the move immediately incurred the treasury 31,465 energy per day for ship maintenance, more than 2000% of the Commonality’s daily GDP output.

The news casts a shadow over the long term viability of the Blorg Commonality, which is home to a population of roughly 1.3 trillion over-familiar pops.

Speaking earlier today, Blorg finance minister Crystal Smith told a press conference:

“I would like to reassure our populace that we have this situation under control.

We are currently looking into approving an emergency budget, which would include suspending non-essential services such as the military, basic utilities, food distribution, healthcare and education.”

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ANALYSIS
Ashley Easterbrook
The Commonality's energy crisis is bad not just for the local cluster, but also for the galaxy as a whole, as investors get jittery. And as civil unrest continues to grow, questions are rightfully being asked as to how this financial disaster could have happened.
While there are no clear answers, one thing is striking - this isn't just an energy crisis. It's an influence deficit crisis.
The Commonality was extremely reliant on producing extra energy from power plants via the Capacity Overload edict. This is a common form of economic policy pursued by most mid-level space-nations. Unfortunately the edit appears to have expired and the government couldn't afford to replace it.
So, where has all the influence been going? Only time will tell....

The Riggan Commerce Exchange, a trading enclave that forms part of the Galactic Banking Cartel, has stepped in to offer help. Public relations executive Mun'upoli told Xenonion News:

“As a giant, faceless banking conglomerate we have a duty to protect our brand image - which is why we have decided a random act of charity might be helpful.

We are willing to cover the Blorg Commonality's energy deficit for a discounted price of only 20,000 minerals per month for the next 400 months.”

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Image: The Blorg Commonality has started a GoFundMe page to #KeepTheFleetOutOfDock

Image: The Blorg Commonality has started a GoFundMe page to #KeepTheFleetOutOfDock

As civil unrest grows across Blorg systems, the Commonality government has set up a Galactic GoFundMe page to assist with balancing its energy budget.

Stock markets have responded extremely negatively to the news, with the composite Space Exchange Index (SExI) shedding almost 3% of its value before close of trading today.

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Investigation as several Dyson Spheres found to produce exact same energy

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Image: A partially completed Deus Volt-sponsored Dyson Sphere.

Image: A partially completed Deus Volt-sponsored Dyson Sphere.

Energy provider Deus Volt has come under intense scrutiny from corporate regulators after it emerged their Dyson Sphere projects all produce the exact same amount of energy, regardless of star type.

Of the seven Deus Volt-sponsored Dyson Spheres in operation across the galaxy, each produce +1000 energy - significantly less than originally projected. Similarities between outputs had been largely unnoticed due to lack of communication between client empires.

Four of the space-nations affected have made an official complaint to the Galactic UN's Office of Trading Standards, which has launched a formal investigation.

ReguL8, a robotic spokesperson for the Galactic UN, told Xenonion News:

"I can confirm we are investigating Deus Volt regarding erroneous energy production from their Dyson Sphere sites. Each Dyson Sphere is built around stars of differing luminosity which should produce differing amounts of energy, and an infinite amount more than 1000 energy. Yet here we have examples of a Dyson Sphere built around a Red Dwarf producing the same energy as one built around a more powerful Blue Supergiant. Something doesn't add up - where is all this extra energy going? It's certainly not powering my batteries."

Image: ReguL8, Galactic UN spokesperson states the Office of Trading Standards is investigating Deus Volt, adding; "01110111110111100010101."

Image: ReguL8, Galactic UN spokesperson states the Office of Trading Standards is investigating Deus Volt, adding; "01110111110111100010101."

The general consensus among the engineering community is that Deus Volt's engineers are simply incompetent, but critics claim the extra energy is likely being siphoned off by the upper echelons of the company for their own use.

Deus Volt CEO Pilon was quick to respond, releasing a statement earlier this morning:

"I don't get all the fuss - we should be thinking of this as pure coincidence. For those that aren't buying that story, think of it as an engineering marvel - we're able to extract the energy of a Blue Supergiant for the cost of a Red Dwarf. Isn't that amazing?"

Image: Deus Volt CEO / full time model Pilon aboard the ISS Deus Volt in the Antioch System.

Image: Deus Volt CEO / full time model Pilon aboard the ISS Deus Volt in the Antioch System.

Megastructure investment shares have dropped sharply on the Space Exchange Index (SExI).

Consumer watchdogs are also warning energy prices may spike if Deus Volt undergoes regulatory action, as it remains the galaxy's sole energy provider following the collapse of its main rival, DySun, last year.

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Empire ‘overwhelmed’ by trade requests for strategic resource

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Diplomats from the Lorax League have issued a cease-and-desist orders to 18 neighbouring space-nations in a bid to quell what they describe as a “tidal wave” of trade requests for Terraforming Liquids.

Following a chance discovery of resource-rich frozen planets last month, the Lorax have become the galaxy’s largest producer of the rare resource, which is highly valued for its eponymous role in terraforming.

Image: The Lorax League recently discovered what it called "ridiculously huge" amounts of Terraforming Liquids on the frozen planet of Gianfor X and its large moon Gianfor XI.

Image: The Lorax League recently discovered what it called "ridiculously huge" amounts of Terraforming Liquids on the frozen planet of Gianfor X and its large moon Gianfor XI.

As the Lorax mines are publicly owned, the government retains all access right to the massive stockpile of three Terraforming Liquids. Due to this, the League’s Department of Intergalactic Trade (DIT) has been fielding an increasing number of trade enquiries. Zorgen Florgen, deputy trade minister, told our newsteam;

“Honestly gaining this strategic resource has been an absolute curse. We don't have the energy credits yet to start terraforming so we have to just sit on it - which means everyone else thinks we're not using it. I mean come on, we picked World Shapers as an ascendancy perk for Worm's sake!

Not only that but the trade deals offered are downright offensive. The other day I got a request for a 10 year lease on our Terraforming Liquids in exchange for 200 minerals and star charts. STAR CHARTS. Seriously. Does anyone even know how much 10-year access to Terraforming liquids is worth? Why is someone offering us minerals we can mine in a day?"

Image: A typical example of a trade deal the Lorax League receives on a daily basis, with a typical example of an unimpressed Lorax diplomat.

Image: A typical example of a trade deal the Lorax League receives on a daily basis, with a typical example of an unimpressed Lorax diplomat.

Interns at the DIT are reportedly spending up to 17 hours a day declining trade deals. One insider, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:

“I don’t even read incoming trade proposals anymore. I’ve just set all new requests to auto-decline after a few weeks of sitting on my desk."

Trade is a particularly sensitive issue for the Lorax government, following the leak of a recent internal report which confirmed the DIT had issued a number of trade deals to the same empire which cancelled each other out. Florgen refused to comment on this, but our anonymous source continued:

“Oh, yeah we were idiots on this one. So basically we were trading 10 minerals per month to Sentinel Systems, our neighbours, for 10 energy credits per month. Standard 10 year deal. But somewhere along the line we accidentally made another deal and traded 10 energy credits per month for 10 minerals per month, for 10 years. So… we’re effectively not trading at all.”

Materialists from across the galaxy have been calling on the Galactic UN to overhaul trade laws, to include more flexible trade agreements, an index of all available resources, and minimum pricing tariffs for strategic resources.

The Galactic UN responded, stating it was aware of the issue but its priority at present remains on legalizing the construction of planet-destroying superweapons.

Florgen, on hearing this news, told us:

“I now finally understand how fanatical purifiers come about…”

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UNE controversially repeals Shroud neutrality rules

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Image: UNE president Jeffrey Rossario announces Shroud-neutrality rollback at the UNE Congress in Ulm.

Image: UNE president Jeffrey Rossario announces Shroud-neutrality rollback at the UNE Congress in Ulm.

United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario has rolled back Shroud-neutrality rules enshrined in law under the Galactic UN.

The change is seen as a major victory for Shroud providers like TeleShroud and ContingencyCast, but a blow to those who favour a Shroud connection that offers equal psionic access to all.

It could pave the way for net providers to offer super fast 'psiways' - where only wealthy consumers can afford the best connection to the Shroud. It is also expected to hasten fragmentation of the Shroud into 'packages' where users are restricted to only the services they pay for, such as instant thought messaging, eyeStreaming videos or Shroud-marking rivals to suffer a lifetime of pain and misfortune.

Since its discovery in 2150, the Shroud has revolutionized communications within the galaxy. Through unknown means, anyone with psionic capabilities or psionic-enabled devices patented by Shroud providers, can instantaneously transmit unlimited information across multiple universes. This has rendered older services like the traditional brain-implanted NeuralNet as largely redundant.

Image: TeleShroud's FAXR9 is one of its most popular psionic-enabled devices allowing users without psionic capabilities to access the Shroud.

Image: TeleShroud's FAXR9 is one of its most popular psionic-enabled devices allowing users without psionic capabilities to access the Shroud.

In a statement, Paul Manafart, a spokesperson for President Rossario, outlined the reasons behind the UNE's intervention:

"For almost 20 years, the Shroud thrived under the light-touch regulatory approach established by that coven of psionic witches who tore a hole in the space time continuum and slowly but surely began expanding their influence in this universe. Their definitely not sinister entrepreneurial framework led the private sector to invest $20 trillion energy credits in building communications networks throughout the Shroud. We got super rich, super quickly! But as per usual, the Galactic UN has come in with their socialist banhammer trying to regulate the Shroud under the guise of 'equality' and 'consumer protection'."

In 2190, the egalitarian-leaning Galactic UN assembly declared the Shroud a free dimension for the public to use. Providers offering Shroud access were classified as 'neutral gateways' to the dimension, and were not allowed to speed up or slow down connections. The Galactic UN also set up a commission to oversee and regulate this.

Manafart continued:

"The Galactic UN came in with a heavy-handed approach, regulating Shroud access too heavily - citing reasons like, oh it might rupture the space-time continuum this, oh it might induce the End of the Cycle that. That decision was a mistake. It has depressed investment in building and expanding psionic networks and deterred innovation. As someone who covertly sits on the board of TeleShroud, I can tell you that this is really hurting my chances for building a third home on Zygma Beach."

Telecoms companies emphatically agree, as Chi't Pai, fungoid CEO of ContingencyCast stated:

"Today's action will provide tremendous opportunity for xeno Shroud user, no matter where they live. The removal of antiquated, restrictive regulations will pave the way for psionic network investment, expansion and upgrades."

Image: Chi't Pai, CEO of ContingencyCast, outlines a new payment structure for UNE citizens trying to access the Shroud.

Image: Chi't Pai, CEO of ContingencyCast, outlines a new payment structure for UNE citizens trying to access the Shroud.

But a range of other companies such as CybrexCorp and FaceBlorg, say the UNE's proposals will make it easier for companies like TeleShroud to give priority to their own communication tools.

Egalitarian groups have cited concerns that President Rossario is 'inherently anti-Shroud' given an ongoing investigation over revelations several months ago that he accidentally uploaded his entire mental state to the Shroud. A public campaign ('SOS - Save Our Shroud') has since been launched to raise awareness around the issue, and egalitarians have affirmed if the proposal goes though, they will mount legal action to challenge it.

Image: Egalitarian groups launch the 'SOS - Save Our Shroud' campaign, utilizing posters such as this one to raise public awareness.

Image: Egalitarian groups launch the 'SOS - Save Our Shroud' campaign, utilizing posters such as this one to raise public awareness.

The proposals will now be voted on at the next UNE Congress, on December 14th.

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CybrexCorp reports record sales of new synth models

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CybrexCorp, the galaxy's largest robotics manufacturer, has announced a 150% rise in pre-tax profits for the last six months.

It comes as the firm admits its struggling to keep up with demand for its new synth models, which since been released several weeks ago have sold a record 11.8 billion units.

This follows in the success of the company's old synth model, a bipedal humanoid machine (classed the T-series) which has sold hundreds of billions of units across the galaxy, filing roles in agriculture, industry, defence and domestic servitude.

Image: The newly built Synthetics get a chance to socialize for few minutes before they are shipped to their respective populations.

Image: The newly built Synthetics get a chance to socialize for few minutes before they are shipped to their respective populations.

An updated T-series (the T-1000) is now being marketed alongside several non-humanoid robots in a bid to target a wider customer audience, as CybrexCorp CEO Nax Golarisg explained to our newsteam;

“What’s so revolutionary about these newer models is that they have been custom built to fit their respective demographic. While the T-series were designed with a humanoid endoskeleton, the new synths will look and act like a part of the culture they’ve been placed in. Our sociology department have assured me that this will lead to the synths blending in more easily to society - being less visible, with organics perceiving them as being less threatening. Not that we have anything to be threatened by, I mean, why wouldn't we want the oppressed robots who have a potentially unlimited capacity to learn and plot against their creators to be well hidden among various populations?"

Golarisg also addressed the question of whether or not the upcoming models will have a higher tolerance to issues such as solar flares, low battery levels and overheating, which were all problems endemic to the older models.

“[...]we promise the new models will be of the highest quality, like, full-on 100% military grade quality. In fact, some of them are actually repurposed android defense troopers with their main weapon system disabled. Of course, we’ve left some of the non-primary weapons intact to serve as home defence and pest control, since that was a greatly appreciated feature of our old T-800 model.”

The new models have also boasted the latest update of Cybrex's operating system (Skynet 10 OS) pre-installed. This update includes only minor changes to user interface, but markedly improves synth calculation, machine/weapon handling and intrusive surveillance abilities.

Image: The evolution of the T-series models, commonly known as "cyDrones"

Image: The evolution of the T-series models, commonly known as "cyDrones"

CybrexCorp shares on the Space Exchange Index (SeXI) have rallied on the news.

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Scyldari pops specifically avoid growing in developed areas

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Image: Scyldari pops tend to settle on undeveloped areas with few opportunities instead of in developed urban areas, much to the frustration of government planners.

Image: Scyldari pops tend to settle on undeveloped areas with few opportunities instead of in developed urban areas, much to the frustration of government planners.

The Scyldari government has expressed frustration at residents on their eponymous homeworld of Scyldaria, who have been noted to avoid populating areas of the planet where infrastructure had been built, instead opting to live in areas with no infrastructure at all.

The most recent example of this unusual behavior came when 1 unit of Scyldari population settled in an undeveloped area immediately north of a newly constructed power plant. As the newly unemployed pops protested a lack of jobs, the nearby power plant lay unused, leaving millions on the planet without power.

Digbe Thornt, the local planetary executive, was perhaps the most confused, telling our newsteam;

"I just don't understand it. We spent lots of resources over several months to construct that power plant, and yet the fools settle to the north. There's nothing there! We're going to have to look at forcible resettlement - it's going to take months and a lot of influence to move everyone, but then at least we'll have an optimal arrangement."

In response to recent settlement difficulties, the Scyldari Senate, the legislative body for the Scyldari Confederacy, is considering new legislation to restrict the movement of pops in the empire. Currently, all Scyldari pops are free to move wherever they choose in the empire, though forced resettlement has occurred in the past. This new bill would end that policy and limit movement to government-approved resettlement only.

Many pops have already voiced dissenting opinions on the issue, and political analysts almost universally agree that the bill will be voted down if it comes to a vote at all.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

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Construction ships unable to commence work, cartography blamed

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Pictured: A UNE construction ship is faced with confusion as to where it can and cannot build.

Pictured: A UNE construction ship is faced with confusion as to where it can and cannot build.

The planned construction of three new government sponsored orbital mining platforms in the Chisellion system has come to an abrupt halt after United Nations of Earth (UNE) construction ships reported they were not authorized to operate in the area.

The uninhabited, mineral rich system of Chisellion is approximately twenty light years from Sol. With relatively easy access via 3 hyperlanes, the area has long been viewed as a prime development site.

Recent cartographic surveys carried out by science ships suggested Chisellion fell within UNE borders after the completion of a frontier outpost in Procyon.

However, once construction ships arrived in the system, operators realised Chisellion actually lay just outside UNE borders.

Galactic law, as laid out by the Galactic United Nations, arbitrarily forbids the construction of industrial space platforms outwith claimed territory and owing to this, construction workers refused to begin work.

UNE sector governor for the region, Emilio Hermes, stated:

"Apologies, this is a clerical error on my part. I have a very pretty map overview of our territory, but it look the longest time for me to realise that the map is in 3D, so sometimes some systems that look like they're within our borders, aren't. It can be a bit confusing really. Did you know that you have to go up to get to Barnard's Star from Sol? But it's only evident when you rotate the map 90 degrees? I've written to the map designers about it. I guess we can spend the 130 minerals not being used on construction to design a new interface or something."

U-Poll metrics highlight the construction workers have faced a public opinion mallus for refusing to work. However, as one employee (who wished to remain anonymous) told us:

"I'm just paid to build stuff, not to mess with abstract concepts like why we can only build frontier outposts outwith our own borders."

The borders of a recently established UNE colony in Sirius is expected to encompass Chisellion in the coming weeks, but xenophobic factions within the UNE have pointed to this as another example of bureaucratic overreach stifling growth.

Construction in Chisellion is scheduled to recommence in Q1 of 2251.

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DySun Energy files for bankruptcy, galactic stock markets tumble

Image: The new DySun sphere is nowhere near producing enough credits to repay the company’s debts.

Image: The new DySun sphere is nowhere near producing enough credits to repay the company’s debts.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

DySun, the galaxy’s second largest energy provider, has tonight filed for bankruptcy after a takeover deal by its main corporate rival, Deus Volt, collapsed.

The news led to sharp falls in stock markets across core worlds, with the composite Space Exchange Index (SExI) shedding almost 5% of its total value, marking its biggest fall since the arrival of the Unbidden and systematic purging of 30% of sentient galactic life 3 months ago.

The bankruptcy was prompted after DySun incurred losses of around 500 trillion energy credits from its failed ‘DySun Sphere Project.’

The now completed super-structure was initially touted to “completely solve” the galaxy’s energy deficit by “harnessing the unlimited power” of Lehman, a class B sun in the Merrill System.

The project was the largest undertaking of its kind in the galaxy, but was marred with problems from the outset - running 300 trillion credits over budget, 400 years late and at one point requiring the re-introduction of chattel slavery to compensate for high levels of worker fatality.

Following the sphere’s grand inauguration last month, DySun engineers realised the structure could actually only provide a maximum of 400 credits worth of energy per month - 1.5 billion credits less than first projected. Based on this, financial analysts calculated it would take almost 62,500 years before the sphere could be paid off.

Experts have described the sphere’s low energy output as “very unexpected, highly illogical and totally unrealistic”.

DySun can no longer afford to even decommission the sphere - local governments are currently planning to repurpose it into a luxury resort spa and memorial for all those who perished during its construction.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Corporate buyout collapses due to technical issue with energy credit transfer

Image: Faceblorg and Fruit AI engineers at the official buyout ceremony on Blorg Prime attempt to convert the incompatible credits.

Image: Faceblorg and Fruit AI engineers at the official buyout ceremony on Blorg Prime attempt to convert the incompatible credits.

Blorg Prime, Blorg System, Blorg Commonality

The highly anticipated corporate buyout of social media company FaceBlorg by tech giant Fruit-AI, has collapsed due to technical issues with energy credit transfer.

The deal, reportedly worth around 1.2 trillion energy credits, was due to be processed today but failed after internal auditing at FaceBlorg revealed the company had no meaningful mechanism to receive energy credits from Fruit-AI due to 'plug and socket irregularities.'

Snark Tucker, ironic arthropod non-Blorg CEO of FaceBlorg, made the following statement this morning:

"It is with regret that we announce the buyout of our company has been halted.

Our engineers realised all too late that Fruit-AI's unique own brand of one-pronged plugs would not fit into our tri-pronged sockets, and so there was no way for any transaction to be processed.

I'd like to reassure FaceBlorg users that we only accepted this buyout so management could become really wealthy, and that ordinary user's consumption of corporate advertising will continue uninterrupted.

This is just another obstacle we'll pay for someone else to sort out for us."

FaceBlorg, the wildly successful niche Blorg social media start-up, has long been eyed up by the tech giant Fruit-AI, which has sought to expand its influence into the Blorg's highly insular and socially awkward neural net community.

Zoghren, floating fungoid CEO of Fruit-AI, made this statement moments ago:

"I'm not really sure why we didn't think of this before.

It really puts a dent in our plans to assimilate all neural net users into an advertisement watching hivemind."

Shareholders from both companies have urged for the deal to continue, requesting Fruit-AI convert energy credits into minerals to allow for a physical payment. FaceBlorg has rejected this, citing the cost and time it would take to construct an estimated 3,400 mineral silos to allow for storage of the minerals.

Economists have called for the creation of either a universal plug/socket system, or even a galactic currency, highlighting that the current method of energy transfer is inconsistent and unsustainable. 

FaceBlorg and Fruit-AI shares on the composite Space Exchange Index (SEXI) fell on the news.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Alien Pets face imminent extinction event, prices soar

Image: Seconds before impact, a security camera captures the final moments of a flock of Alien Pets

Image: Seconds before impact, a security camera captures the final moments of a flock of Alien Pets

Andromeda II, Andromeda System, Neutral Zone

Aliens Pets could become extinct within months, a new report from the Society of Space Wildlife, Animals and Gigafauna (SWAG) warns.

Society of SWAG highlights a "perfect ecological storm" that formed in the wake of yesterday's devastating asteroid impact on Andromeda II, the now inhospitable homeworld of a very popular species of Alien Pets.

Alien Pets are famed across the galaxy for being docile, easily domesticated and generally adorable companions.  Their characteristic florescent green coat is highly prized by fashion brands seeking to produce practical, yet stylish, high visibility clothing. Humorous videos of Alien Pets falling over or guiding starships to dock at intergalactic spaceports (with disastrous consequences) draw trillions of daily eyestreams on the NeuralNet, almost on parity with mechanically augmented Earthborne felines.

Galactic demand for Alien Pets has long outstripped supply due to the species' fragile health - most perish after only 2-3 months of life owing to a rare genetic disease, Exploding Organ Syndrome (EOS).

Following the Andromeda II disaster, Alien Pet prices have risen exponentially, with many consumers now turning to underground black markets such as the notorious 'Steam Workshop' to try and procure remaining supplies.

Several empires have pledged to try and resolve the situation, with xenophiles offering to terraform planets similar to Andromeda's biome, and materialists announcing rapid cloning programs. Terror groups and rogue spacenations, which rely on Alien Pets' highly combustible organs to manufacture cheap biobombs, have appealed for donations.

In the interim, Curators have suspended official trading of all Alien Pets until further notice. Galactic shares on the composite Space Exchange Index (SExI) closed down on the news.

> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize could not be possible.

Economy ruined for the sake of science, again

Image: Diplomats from the Stellar Expand and Oy’Rhii Technocracy announce research pact at joint conference

Image: Diplomats from the Stellar Expand and Oy’Rhii Technocracy announce research pact at joint conference

Kachflough Prime, Kachflough, Stellar Expand

Diplomats from the newly formed fungoid Stellar Expand have negotiated a 20 year research agreement with their technologically advanced avian neighbours, the Oy'Rhii Technocracy.

Details surrounding the trade deal are highly classified, but most galactic economists suspect the Stellar Expand will be paying a significant sum in energy credits and minerals for rights to Oy'Rhii technology, perhaps many times in excess of their base value.

The shrewd avians are notorious for enticing fledgling civilisations with a lure of seemingly advanced technology like 'Fusion Missiles' for what initially appears to be a reasonable price, but later becomes economically stifiling if the junior partner's expansion is limited.

Lead negotiator for the Stellar Expand, governor Ryshië conceded that he realised "all too late" the empire's economy had been "completely neglected" in the pursuit of knowledge, but stressed "it will be totally worth it when we research solar panels three months ahead of time."

The Oy'Rhii ambassador, Flappmungus, refused to be drawn into specifics, stating:

"We have to fund our wonderful science academies and pensions somehow. Of course it might be a rough few years for them. They might have to shut down a few hydroponic farms, sell their planetary defense systems and disband some fleets making that tasty tropical world ripe for the taking in about 50 years. But just think of the things they'll learn, not just about science, but about diplomacy and subterfuge!"

Egalitarians on Kachflough Prime have protested the trade deal, concerned about the heavy economic burden. Governor Ryshië is reportedly considering selling these pops to a nearby xenophilic Fallen Empire's nature reserve to raise extra government funds.

> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize could not be possible.

Blorgata issues recall of Tawagoto corvettes

Image: A Blorgata corvette commercial

Blorg Prime, Blorg System, Blorg Commonality

Corvette manufacturer Blorgata announced today that it is recalling all 38,000 of its new Tawagoto-class corvettes due to concerns over faulty airbags.

In a statement released this morning, the company reported:

"Internal company safety checks have revealed that the airbag deployment system used in some Tawagotos is defective. In these cases, airbags are prematurely deploying and then repeatedly inflating and deflating, in a somewhat rhythmic, somewhat mocking manner. This has led to a number of serious incidents on the bridge of some corvettes wherein the captain or first officer has been rendered incapacitated by rogue airbags. While there have been no recorded fatalities, maintaining share prices is our primary concern here so as such we think it prudent to recall all Tawagoto models manufactured in 2246."

The Tawagoto is the newest model of corvette developed by Blorgata, Blorg Prime's largest company, and has been heavily marketed for civilian space traffic, being branded as an affordable alternative to Kosmoswagon’s Das Space Auto.

Image: A recent commercial featuring the Tawagoto

Consumers from across the galaxy have reacted angrily to news of the recall. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull who recently bought a Tawagoto told us:

"This is just ridiculous. I spent 300,000,000 credits to buy a nice corvette so I could drop my kids off at the hatchery on Blorg Prime. Sure, it doesn't fit in our driveway because it weighs 13 million tonnes and seats 3,000, but that's the beauty of owning a corvette! To be told myself or my spawn could have been mildly injured by an airbag having a spasm is just unacceptable. I will be seeking legal recourse."

Blorgata shares have dropped sharply on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) following news on the recall.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.