Health

Refinery world governor addresses air pollution by hiring more entertainers

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Hask’Birim, the Tzynn governor of Na’Garu, announced a new plan today to expand her planet’s entertainment infrastructure to address citizens’ complaints about the planet’s air pollution, rated second worst in the galaxy according to the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO).

Hask’Birim told Xenonion News earlier today;

“Citizens, we have heard your complaints. Too few amenities for such a hardworking population. Well, worry no longer - in the next fiscal year, we plan to upgrade our Holo Theaters into all-encompassing Hyper Entertainment Forums, to keep the ungrateful masses content- I mean, to keep the citizens healthy and happy.”

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The new plan would cost 500 minerals and 50 exotic gases, while creating several high paying entertainer jobs, such as artists, musicians, retail workers, and video game developers.

Tzynn economist Hask’Valgam Mezak praised the plan, stating;

“It’s a sound decision. While it’s a large initial investment, It turns out entertainers are twice as efficient as medical workers at producing amenities. Plus, it means they can relocate unemployed upper class members, like the university professors who got laid off on Pan’Dassak, into these upper class entertainment jobs without a happiness penalty.”

Most of Na’Garu’s economic output comes from gas refineries, synthetic crystal factories, and chemical plants, which serve a vital niche in the Tzynn Empire’s war machine but cause countless health problems for the planet’s 32 pops.

A local pop on Na’Garu, Torba’Murok, who works in a chemical factory, spoke of his difficulties to Xenonion News;

“There are no hospitals on the planet, so I can’t get any treatment for my allergies, asthma, bronchitis, and lung cancer. In fact, my entire extended family has allergies, asthma, bronchitis, and lung cancer. Actually wait, do I know anyone that doesn’t have them?”

Despite his health issues and decreased life expectancy, Torba’Murok also stated that he was excited for the new entertainment facilities currently breaking ground in his neighborhood. He added, before violently coughing up blood;

“Going out to see Air-man movies is a welcome escape from breathing in carcinogens all the time. Have you heard of it? So the idea is that Air-man inhales radioactive air and gains the powers of air pollution, it’s pretty original.”

Governor Hask’Birim was last seen heading toward the neighboring Pelisimus Caretakers, which has universal healthcare and fully upgraded hospitals, to treat her allergies, asthma, bronchitis, and lung cancer.

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Contamination concern prompts sentient meat recall

Image: A Zortax Hive supervisor oversees Yondarim meat production at one of their main processing facilities.

Image: A Zortax Hive supervisor oversees Yondarim meat production at one of their main processing facilities.

Production Hub 1, System C, Zortax Hive

The Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) has warned devouring swarms and xeno-eaters not to consume any Yondarim meat due to contamination concerns.

The announcement came hours after the Galactic Food Standards Agency (GFSA) confirmed that it had found classified 'pathogenic particles' in the meat, and ordered an urgent recall.

Yondarim meat is processed exclusively by the Zortax Hive, the galaxy's largest provider of sentient meat.

The delicacy is particularly popular among devouring swarms due to its taste and high levels of nutrition, however over the last 2 weeks the meat has been linked to upwards of 3.5 million cases of gut rot, 50% of which have culminated in death.

Image: The Galactic Food Standards Authority have released an urgent food recall for all Yondarim meat best before May 2252.

Image: The Galactic Food Standards Authority have released an urgent food recall for all Yondarim meat best before May 2252.

Chalgax Vippum, chief of the GFSA's inspection division, told Xenonion News:

“There’s something very wrong with the Yondarim meat being produced by the Zortax Hive. While I can't go into any more detail, particles have been found in the meat that are making consumers extremely ill. Our inquiry is ongoing but we know the Zortax have extremely strict food safety standards so we believe it is unlikely this issue has arisen from their production line."

Image: Scyldari-born Chalgax Vippum heads the GFSA's investigative branch and is "looking into all possibilities" regarding the contaminated meat.

Image: Scyldari-born Chalgax Vippum heads the GFSA's investigative branch and is "looking into all possibilities" regarding the contaminated meat.

The GFSA are believed to be following a lead that the meat may have been intentionally poisoned as a means to halt Yondarim processing.

Glugub Bnorr, an official representative of the Kingdom of Yondarim told Xenonion News:

"While we of course deny any illegal wrongdoing, we couldn't be more pleased. The Zortax had been declaring war on our empire every ten years with the hopes of converting our citizens into food - they only won last year. The idea of methodically being processed to be eaten by neighbouring empires has been psychologically quite difficult for our species to adapt to, so we're glad to get some respite from this. But no, we're definitely not telling our citizens to dose themselves carefully with dark matter to allow it to accrue in muscle tissue and cause food poising to anybody that eats it. And no, we're definitely not funding that program through Medicare either. Why would you suggest that? Oh, wait... you didn't?"

Image: Yondarin Glugub Bnorr is best served piping hot with honey glaze and a mustard relish.

Image: Yondarin Glugub Bnorr is best served piping hot with honey glaze and a mustard relish.

The GFSA has launched a formal investigation into the Kingdom of Yondarim's role in the meat scandal, and has warned if the empire is complicit in making its own people unfit to be eaten it could face stiff charges from the Galactic UN's Supreme Court.

Vippum went on to state:

“Look, I know it’s not pleasant having your culture and society systemically wiped out, but that doesn't mean you can flaunt food safety regulations just because you don’t want to be eaten. If the Yondarim are doing this, then they're being unreasonable and selfish. They're making innocent xeno younglings out there very sick."

The Zortax Hive states it is "at one" with the GFSA's investigation and is complying with orders to stop Yondarim meat production and recall all active shipments.

Zortax spokesperson Supervising Unit 25 released this statement today:

"We would like to reassure all xeno lovers--ahem--xeno meat lovers that we remain committed to your health and safety and will continue to deliver healthy, wholesome xeno meats for you and your families. If you were affected by the tainted Yondarim meat, please contact us via the Shroud and we will do everything we can to right this wrong."

Image: Zortax Supervising Unit 25 speaks on behalf of the Zortax Hive.

Image: Zortax Supervising Unit 25 speaks on behalf of the Zortax Hive.

A joint statement by the GFSA and PISH has advised all xeno eaters to immediately stop cooking Yondarim products and return them to the point of purchase for a full refund.

When asked for an alternative, Vippum quipped;

“I’m not much of a cook, myself, but if you’re looking for a decent substitute to Yondarim, I’d give Human a try. Look, I know people frown on eating them because... well... it's hard to deny they're kinda gross-looking, but it’s dirt cheap and not all that different if you prepare it properly.”

Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) for Zortax, and its largest corporate customer TacoBell, have fallen on the news.

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Javorian Pox: What is it and should we be worried?

Image: Public Institute of Space Direction Dr. Snugglesworth pictured earlier today giving a press briefing on Javorian Pox.

Image: Public Institute of Space Direction Dr. Snugglesworth pictured earlier today giving a press briefing on Javorian Pox.

The Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) has announced it is monitoring a small outbreak of Javorian Pox in the Thelmar Union region.

Public health officials state they have adopted a 'watch and wait' policy as they are hopeful spread of the disease will be limited.

What is Javorian Pox?

Javorian Pox is a highly transmissible infection caused by the bacterium Wingardium Leviosa.

Little information is known about it as it was only recently detected on Thelmar's homeworld of Khersonia. The first cluster of confirmed cases centered around the crew of of the TSS Rnaught, a Thelmar-sponsored science ship which had recently returned from a deep space expedition searching for the homeworld of the Irassian Concordat, a precursor civilisation.

While the exact origin of the Javorian Pox is unknown, rudimentary analysis suggests it is around four thousand years old. If confirmed this would make it the second oldest infectious disease in the galaxy after the now eradicated Lurgy virus.

What are the symptoms?

Pox symptoms come on rapidly and vary between species, although a number of common features across all organic populations have been noted.

  • Unexpected swelling
  • Ruptured nodules
  • Corrugated ankles
  • Discrete itching
  • Gastric ejections
  • Heaped piles
  • Kidney beans
  • Slack tongue
  • Gut rot

Individuals affected can expect to see global health attributes reduced significantly (including fertility and sex appeal).

Exact figures on mortality are not clear currently, but PISH has cautiously warned that infection may have "adverse effects" on organic lifespans.

Anyone aged over over 300, gestating/egg-laying or have the traits fleeting or weak are advised to contact their local healthcare provider immediately if they develop the above symptoms.

How does it spread?

Javorian Pox is spread through close contact, via bodily fluid or aerosol droplet. Due to this it is believed flagella-laden species like the Blorg are particularly potent 'super-spreaders' of infection.

Is it worse than other types of Pox?

The galaxy has a number of Pox types circulating at this time of year. While these are also caused by bacteria, outbreaks tend to be limited to pre-FTL feudal societies.

These forms of pox are often easily cured through basic treatments, including Electrolysis or Jelly Vat Immersion.

The main difference with Javorian Pox is at present, there is no known effective treatment.

How bad is the situation in the Thelmar Union?

The winter outbreak has been one of the worst the spacenation has seen in some years, with almost 5.6 billion confirmed infected and 542 million dead across 15 worlds.

Hospital admission data is currently unavailable following the collapse of civil law on Thelmar's core worlds.

Information from Thelmar's immediate neighbours, small protectorates, is also limited as they are in open revolt against Thelmar as they struggle to cope with millions of refugees.

So what should I do?

PISH have advised galactic organisms to "continue life as normal" although to avoid travelling to the remnants of Thelmar Union unless "absolutely necessary."

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Synthetic Zro misuse reaching 'epidemic' levels

Hyperion, Hyperion System, Ubaric TechnoUnion

The Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) issued a stark warning that the galaxy is "fighting a losing battle" against Zro dust addiction, after it emerged synthetics are beginning to turn to an even more potent modified version of the drug, 'mZro'.

Image: A synth on Hyperion intoxicated with modified Zro (mZro), actively trying to communicate with a digital hallucination.

Image: A synth on Hyperion intoxicated with modified Zro (mZro), actively trying to communicate with a digital hallucination.

Misuse of the highly addictive aerosol has skyrocketed over the last decade, with almost 6% of the galactic organic population believed to have some form of dependence.

Discovered by chance on the tropical planet Ket in 2210, Zro dust was found to be a highly potent psionic stimulant with strong analgesic properties. It was refined and marketed as a prescription performance enhancer by numerous pharamaceutical companies, but in 2211 was withdrawn from market after it was found to be highly addictive and fatal in overdose. It was subsequently outlawed and declared illegal by numerous spacenations in 2212. This did little to stop its spread however, and sales flourished in underground black marketplaces like the notorious 'Paradox Plaza' and 'Steam Workshop'.

In its prescription years Zro misuse had been exclusively limited to organics, however as it was traded on the black market it was adapted to interface with mechanical augments of cyborg enhanced organics to provide an even more vivid 'electric high'. An unintentional side effect of this adaptation was that the newer version of Zro also affected robots, resulting in a dramatic upsurge of use in synthetics of all classes, ranging from drone workers to primitive AIs. Initial analysis shows modified 'mZro' to be almost fifty times more potent - meaning the chances of addiction and permanent damage are much higher in synthetics.

Hyperion, homeworld of the galaxy's largest producer of synthetics CybrexCorp, has been hit particularly hard, with almost 300 new cases of synthetic mZro overdose being recorded daily. Affected synthetics have been observed to refuse to work in their designated tiles, instead lying on streets actively intoxicated, or peddling for credits to allow further purchase of mZro.

Synthetic use of mZro has prompted concern from pro-organics, who have questioned how synthetics can act outwith their operating protocols. CEO of Nax Golsrig tried to explain: 

"Our synthetics are very early in their 'lives'. Like teenagers of all species, they are trying out new things. Rebelling. Well, ok, no, not rebelling, that's maybe the wrong word to use. Molloscoid teenagers eat their peers, human teenagers drink disgusting fermented rotting fruit drinks, and synthetics dabble in mZro. Our robots have a great capacity to learn, and this is how they're choosing to exercise that."

Both Golsrig and PISH have refused to be drawn into debate onto whether afflicted synthetics should be disassembled.

PISH has declared Zro a "public health emergency" and has requested extra funding from the Galactic UN.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Taco Bell launches controversial new xeno-flavoured menus

Image: Taco Bell’s latest advertisement displaying the newest additions to its menu.

Image: Taco Bell’s latest advertisement displaying the newest additions to its menu.

Taco Bell, a human chain of fine-dining restaurants, has stirred controversy across the local cluster after announcing plans to serve sentient species in its updated gourmet menu.

Launching the contemporary cuisine from a press conference aboard Taco Bell's corporate space station, ISS Mexcellent, CEO Jale Peneo stated:

"Taco Bell has always been at the forefront of pushing the boundaries of our collective tastebuds.

You only have to look at our innovative history to see that - in 2100 we had the award-winning 7-Layer Domestic Cat Taco©. In 2150 we had the universally loved Double Opium Crunchwrap©. 

However, today marks the launch of a game changer.

Taco Bell is taking pan-galactic flavours to the next level with our Xenowrap© range- including the Chili Con Cutie©, Soylent Taco© and the highly anticipated Roasted Pre-Sent© .

Xenos have enthralled us since we discovered FTL. We've talked to them, traded with them, heck even waged war with them -- but have we ever really eaten them? Not until now!"

Taco Bell has already identified several planets in the neutral zone to begin domesticating and harvesting sentient and pre-sentient native species for mass consumption. Industry experts suspect pre-industrial species who cannot read or write, and thus sign disclosure forms, will be targeted.

The decision seems to be largely related to the Galactic UN passing the 'Unity resolution', which has enshrined the rights of omnivores to eat other species, if they are deemed delicious enough.

Xenophiles from across the galaxy have decried Taco Bell's new menu as "abhorrent" and "really overpriced."

Garden worlds such as New Eden and Horizon have also lobbied UNE central government to block the menu, due to fears that a shift towards so-call 'xenomnivorism' could damage their traditional genetically modified chicken-cow-sheep-horse chimera farming economy.

Our newsteam put these concerns to Peneo at the press conference, who replied:

"For those who have issue with eating Xenos, fear not, we have our vegetarian Plantoid Variety Pack©, which contains as many plant-things that feel pain as we could find."

Taco Bell shares rallied on the announcement.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Area colony faces food shortage for no apparent reason

Image: Desperate Avalon residents face a daunting food shortage.

Terra Nova, Alpha Centauri, United Nations of Earth

The newly established human colony of Avalon in the Alpha Centauri system has appealed directly to Earth's government for help as it struggles to cope with an acute shortage of food.

Concerns regarding food shortages were first raised 1 month ago following a boom in Avalon's population from 1 to 2. It has since been exacerbated following Alpha Centauri sector governor Emilio Hermes' recent decision to demolish all existing hydroponic farms on the planet and replace them with mineral silos.

The two other planets in the Alpha Centauri system, New Coventry and Terra Nova, both have +10 food surpluses each and questions have been raised by Avalon colonists as to why they cannot send aid.

While touring aboard the UNE corvette flagship Ariana Grande, governor Hermes issued the following statement:

"Yes, I am aware Avalon currently has a -1 food deficit, while neighboring planets are drowning in excesses of food. The simple fact is while we have discovered space travel, we are still in the dark ages when it comes to transporting anything other than people, let alone foodstuffs. Now if you don't mind, I'm really keen to see the hull of the Ariana Grande."

Avalon colonists report they will continue to lobby Earth to invest in DLC or underground black market mods to allow the transfer of food between planets.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.