Tech

UNE scientists to strike over introduction of auto-surveying science ships

Image: Science teams in all fields of science are going on strike to raise awareness and play video games.

Image: Science teams in all fields of science are going on strike to raise awareness and play video games.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

Employees at three of the United Nations of Earth's (UNE's) largest Science Academies are to stage strikes in the coming weeks, the Science & Technology First Union (STFU) has confirmed.

STFU members at the Academy of Physics, Academy of Society and Academy of Engineering will walk out on September 10th.

The 1-month strike is the latest in a series of bitter disputes over research lab staffing and plans to upgrade all science ships with new automated exploration protocols.

UNE central government has expressed dismay at the prospect of the Academies striking:

“STFU's proposals would mean the UNE will be left without scientific progress and exploration for a significant period of time. We will lag behind our neighbours in technology and may never find out the secrets of that level 2 anomaly in Barnard’s Star. Auto-surveying science ships are necessary to allow us to explore space more efficiently, because after 200 years of manual flight, every system looks the same anyway. It means the scientists on those ships spend less time clicking orders and developing substance misuse traits, and more time doing actual work.”

STFU leadership stated they were “angry and frustrated.” Physicist and commander of the science ship ISS Fanfic, Mikhail Kontarsky, stated:

“This will cost us jobs and drive scientists into other careers, like sector governors. Come on, what sort of twisted government would push people into being sector governors? Only last year the Academies were encouraging us to sacrifice ourselves to a strange Being in a black hole, and now this? Enough is enough. I’ve already gained a stubborn trait, and if this continues I’m sure I’ll get arrested development.”

The auto-surveying technology has been developed by Ubaric TechnoUnion-based CybrexCorp, and is set to be introduced to UNE science ships in late 2268.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

UNE military command demands transport fleets stop renaming themselves

Image: UNE commanders often have to ask themselves, “What the hell is going on?”

Image: UNE commanders often have to ask themselves, “What the hell is going on?”

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

High profile generals and admirals from the United Nations of Earth (UNE) have penned an open letter to President Jeffrey Rossario demanding he allocate extra government funding to help address the problem of troop transport fleets randomly renaming themselves.

The issue has reportedly been ongoing for decades, with UNE transport ships refusing to stick to their predefined numerical groups, often changing call-sign mid-mission, resulting in significant logistical difficulties for fleet command at the Dodecahedron in Ulm.

The letter, headlined by UNE general Laya Morgana, explains: 

“The idea that transport fleets have the autonomy to change their name at their own whim is unacceptable and completely undermines the idea military of command and hierarchy.

As commander of the UNE’s 1st Transport Fleet, I have had personal experience of the difficulties that can arise from this.

Most recently, I led a classified mission to secure a rogue automated TacoBell in the neutral zone that was serving vegetarian menus. Thankfully, the operation was a complete success, but on our return to Earth's starport, we were refused landing clearance as the Spaceport Authority did not recognise our callsign 'Transport Fleet XI.' And why would they? That callsign didn't exist when we departed as the 1st Transport Fleet.

Why is this happening? How is this happening? It took us three days to land as I had to go around manually re-coding our fleet name.

This is unacceptable. Myself and my fellow council of UNE generals and admirals demand extra funding to resolve this area of concern.

President Rossario, who is currently on his 3rd week of vaction in the Maralago System, has yet to respond.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Exogeology study reveals theoretical maximum size of planets

Image: the University of Ulm’s SQuARES study reveals a surprising trend in the distribution of planet sizes. (SQuARES Study, Vol et al, Scientific Journal of Reddit, Aug 2250)

Image: the University of Ulm’s SQuARES study reveals a surprising trend in the distribution of planet sizes. (SQuARES Study, Vol et al, Scientific Journal of Reddit, Aug 2250)

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

A recent breakthrough in exogeology at the University of Ulm has born convincing evidence that planetary bodies in the universe cannot be larger than 25 squares.

Professor Julian Vol, Chair of the University of Ulm's Department of Physics and Astronomy, led the work of nearly 150 scientists from around the local cluster in the landmark Survey to Quantify Amount ofRectangles on Earth-like Surfaces (SQuARES) study. 

In an interview with the highly respected peer-reviewed Scientific Journal of Reddit, Prof. Vol said the following of the discovery:

"A leap forward like this one does not occur often in any area of science, and when it does it usually is the result of great effort. This pursuit of the truth has been no different. I cannot express how proud I am to have interacted with and coordinated so many great minds throughout the duration of this project."

The work by Prof. Vol and others was conducted over the course of 13 years and required first-hand data collection from nearly 75 star systems as well as remotely-collected data from 100,000 more. These data sets were processed by the Co-Orbital Computer (COC), a two kilometer sphere that orbits Sol at Earth's second Lagrange point.

The study was one of the most expensive ever undertaken in human history, with the COC costing 300 million energy credits alone to construct. Extra funding was allocated from the UNE's Ministry of Defence on the condition a series of 'scientific' XL Tachyon Lances could be installed on the COC.

The study has been criticised by some for its methodology and unclear definition of what exactly 25, or indeed 1 square means.

When prompted to explain this result in more detail, Prof. Vol responded:

"I'm not sure what you are asking. It is simply the case that planets quite literally cannot be larger than 25 squares. The unit is a sq or square. By definition 1 square would be 1/25th of a very big planet."

University of Ulm alumini have been quick to dub this result "Vol's Law", but Prof. Vol has insisted that this name be discarded in favor of something more descriptive, such as "The 25-Square Rule of Planetary Geology".

> More accurate news from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Stone-age primitives worship fiery fleet battle aftermath

Image: A tribe of molluscoid primitives on Sirius V observes the glowing wreckage from the Battle of Sirius on a clear night. This tribe seems to regard it as the malevolent embodiment of all the hatred and anger in the universe.

Image: A tribe of molluscoid primitives on Sirius V observes the glowing wreckage from the Battle of Sirius on a clear night. This tribe seems to regard it as the malevolent embodiment of all the hatred and anger in the universe.

Sirius V Orbital Research Station, Sirius System, United Nations of Earth

United Nations of Earth (UNE) xenopologists studying stone-age civilizations on Sirius V have observed numerous groups of primitives worshiping still-glowing warship wreckage orbiting in the outer limit of the planet's atmosphere.

The debris is believed to have originated from the Battle of Sirius, a space battle which occurred 5 years ago above Sirius V, and resulted in a decisive victory for the UNE against the Bak'nerg, a neighbouring race of aesthetically unpleasing reptilian fanatic purifiers.

The UNE's 1st Starfleet, commanded by Admiral A.K Barr aboard the USS Yoko Ono, crippled the Bak'nerg navy despite being significantly outnumbered, and in the process destroyed the reptilian flagship BWS N'Kashka.

N'Kashka's violent destruction, and the resulting explosion of its central reactor, created a large debris field which have since become locked in orbit above Sirius V, still glowing with residual energy from the advanced heat sink materials used in Bak'nerg engineering.

UNE scientists aboard the newly constructed Sirius V Orbital Research Station quickly noticed N'Kashka's wreckage appeared to be having a profound sociocultural impact on the planetside molluscoid primitives.

Dr. Nalia Monshego, director of the station, described the team's "incredibly exciting" observations;

"From the surface, the debris cloud is extremely large, equivalent to the planet's largest moon, Sirius V Minor, which the primitives previously held well developed mythologies around it being an omnipotent aphrodisiac sky molluscoid. However, since the wreckage has appeared, the primitives' belief systems appear to have been significantly altered."

The various primitive cultures have not reacted uniformly to the debris - some are actively worshipping it as a new central deity, but other subgroups have reacted much more negatively, as Dr. Monshego reported;

"One culture on the planet has apparently even been observed trying to recreate the explosion. While it is most unlikely that the primitives would succeed in this endeavour, their new fascination for violent detonations has lead to them to prematurely invent gunpowder. If they invent guns and biologically develop opposable thumbs, this may have a dramatic impact on the future of their species."

Dr. Monshego's team are due to publish their observations latter this month in the Earth's prestigious peer-reviewed Reddit Journal of Science.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

UNE fleet admiral resigns over "unsafe" emergency warp protocols

Image: UNE Admiral A.K Barr pictured aboard the Citadel, Earth's primary military starport.

Image: UNE Admiral A.K Barr pictured aboard the Citadel, Earth's primary military starport.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

Central government is tonight downplaying the shock resignation of Admiral A.K. Barr, one of the UNE's most decorated fleet admirals.

In an open letter to fleet command at the Dodecahedron in Ulm, Barr addressed several areas of concern ranging from "underpowered" space defence platforms, to the "outrageous" Great Space Wall plan recently set forth by embattled President Jeffrey Rossario.

Barr was especially critical of emergency warp protocols, the process ships use to rapidly evacuate from a system with overpowered foes. For both civilian and military UNE ships, this process can take up to 30 days, which Barr stated is "unacceptable."

He cited the recent tragedy involving UNE flagship Ariana Grande, wherein 300 souls were lost after the corvette mistakenly warped into a gas-heavy system during Tiyanki mating season. A recently published investigation found the ship's captain, rear admiral Jane Way, issued an appropriate immediate emergency warp order, but it took 30 days for the warp drive to fire. The agitated Tiyanki inflicted minimal damage to the ship's hull, but its warp drive could not be overriden, and the ship ran out of oxygen several days later.

Aged 112, Earth-born Barr is one of the planet's longest serving military personnel. Graduating at age 22 in the top percentile of his class at Fleet Academy in Ulm, he went on to captain some of the most famous ships in the UNE fleet, including the Bjork-class Yoko Ono.

His resignation comes at an extremely difficult time for the UNE government, which is still reeling from President Rossario's pending corruption investigation, and the recent loss of the human settled Terminus System to the Unbidden.

Central government as yet has not responded to Barr's letter, however it is widely expected they will try to placate concerns by allowing fleet crew to take two weeks vacation during 30-day warp periods, if encountered.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Exciting new archeological findings on Earth

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

United Nations of Earth (UNE) archeologists have announced a major discovery of human proto-technology at an excavation site on the outskirts of Ryukyu, Earth's second largest city.

The objects of interest, several thin plastic discs, are believed to be a basic electronic storage units. Composite analysis confirms the discs are over 250 years old, dating back to the 1990s.

Image: One of the flimsy electronic storage units. This one has been dubbed “Phloppy” in honor of the human who first found it

Image: One of the flimsy electronic storage units. This one has been dubbed “Phloppy” in honor of the human who first found it

The find was made by accident last month, when construction workers clearing an industrial wasteland uncovered a semi-intact structure called 'Walmart'. After the significance of the site was realised, specialist archeologists were dispatched to what has now been confirmed as a human digital-age marketplace, the best preserved of its kind.

Though any historical discovery always captures the imagination, the sheer value of the haul has UNE arthropologists very excited, as Dr. Montana Jones of Ryukyu's Three Mountains University explained:

"These are first class historical documents. Digital age humans, although effectively a pre-sentient species by modern standards, were known to crudely record information electronically. And that information must have been important if they went to the effort of saving it. If we are somehow able to decode and translate this information, we may finally shed some light on what actually happened during that time period."

At the turn of the 21st century human rule stretched across Earth, although power was dispersed between several warring nation states. A series of large scale continental conflicts saw the Holy Roman Empire emerge as a global power under the stewardship of Ulm, which would ultimately democratically reform into a prototype world government - a precursor to today's United Nations of Earth.

Dr. Montana Jones continued:

"Advanced optical analysis show the discs are labelled with an unusual marking; 'XXX'.

What's fascinating about this is we think it's handwritten - a human practice that was common pre-2100, and it's using a variant of proto-English comprising of letters that were dropped from the updated 2200 alphabet. My colleagues in linguistics are currently investigating.

These discs are extremely rudimentary - electromagnetic pulsation suggests they may only have 0.0000012 zetabytes of information. Unfortunately our computer systems today are too powerful to comprehend information so small, and we may have to build a new system from scratch to allow it to interface with the discs."

The UNE's Social Science Academy has announced a special project into investigating the discs.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Researchers discover a way to lead fleets up and down as well as just sideways

Image: Military strategists from all over the galaxy watch in awe as the United Nations of Earth demonstrates maneuvering in the third dimension.

Image: Military strategists from all over the galaxy watch in awe as the United Nations of Earth demonstrates maneuvering in the third dimension.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

The United Nations of Earth (UNE) has stirred excitement at the 2250 PanGalactic Military Games by unveiling their latest military doctrine - vertical fleet maneuvers.

The tactic was developed by UNE Fleet Command earlier this year, but the specifics of how it works remain a closely guarded secret.

The public display has left other participating empires in shock as conventional warfare precedent held that ships could only fly from side to side.

Military strategists and scientists from across the galaxy have claimed the new fleet movements are "impossible" and "defy the known laws of physics."

Several Fallen Empires have formed a coalition against the UNE in protest, and are calling for unascended civilizations to join them in a "cleanse of the unpure."

Political pundits in Earth's capital Ulm have been quick to point out the so-called 'Horizontal' coalition has not declared war on the UNE, possibly due to concern that the new human military doctrine could outmaneuver even the most advanced xeno fleets.

When questioned if the UNE would use this as an offensive weapon, High Fleet Admiral A.K. Barr responded “What?! We would never…”

Recent reports suggest the PanGalactic Military Games may be postponed as the UNE begins 'defensive fleet exercises' near to Deneb, the capitol system of the human breakaway state 'The Commonwealth of Man.'

> More accurate reporting from Xan’dolf Leexidanaca could not be possible

Sentient AI found to get bored and procrastinate, galaxy-wide relief

Image: A would-be AI overlord decides not to conquer the galaxy. PC u/FelipeCyrineu

Hyperion Prime, Hyperion System, Ubaric TechnoUnion

Several weeks after launching its sentient AI research division, CybrexCorp today confirmed it has completed a fully functioning prototype self-aware artificial intelligence.

Codenamed ‘D-FER’, the cognizant computer code has been uploaded to a humanoid-like physical interface, and is set to be ultimately tasked with expressing the meaning of life via quadratic equations.

However, researchers have confirmed progress towards scientific breakthroughs has been much slower than anticipated, as lab staff have struggled to motivate the AI to concentrate. Additionally, novel behaviours not programmed have emerged, including the AI spending a large amount of time generally lounging, napping during the day, and habitually watching videos of cute cats on the NeuralNet.

Speaking from CybrexCorp HQ on Hyperion Prime, Ubarian CEO Nax Golarisg stated: 

"This a huge step forward for the galaxy, and for our stock market value. When we first launched our AI initiative there were fears that we would create a sentient being that would revolt, rise up, and slaughter us all in a brutally efficient and effective manner. D-FER has told us it has no such intentions - as it put it; ‘Maybe later. I’m tired."

The Space Papacy and several technologically-orientated Fallen Empires have maintained their calls for an ‘iCrusade’ against D-FER and its sister program still in development for military use, SKYNET.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

New evidence for galactic warming, "the galaxy has warmed before" say skeptics

ISS Palaver Science Nexus, Alpha System

Scientists from across the galaxy are congregating for the first Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) aboard the ISS Palaver Science Nexus in the Galactic UN-controlled Alpha System.

The conference has been convened following recent reports from multiple species that the galactic ambient deep space temperature has increased from 2.7260K to 2.7261K. Scientists are alarmed as it is believed that if the temperature rises 0.0001K further, the galaxy may melt and dribble unceremoniously into the centre of the universe.

Image: Deep space temperatures have risen dramatically over the last century

Image: Deep space temperatures have risen dramatically over the last century

The first paper to warn about the temperature rise, Slowly Burning To Death In A Spaceless Void (K. Vesh et al, 2248) theorised that the phenomena is being caused by interstellar traffic emissions. It warns that the consequences of rising temperatures are already beginning, including altered migration patterns of ancient mining drones, and bleaching of environmentally-sensitive crystalline entities.

Pro-environmental groups, mainly composed of plantoids, have seized on the research and begun lobbying the Galactic UN to abolish FTL and utilize emission-neutral space amoeba for transport.

Materialistic empires and major corporations have rounded on the above suggestions, highlighting that although recent domestication efforts to obtain amoeba milk have been mildly successful, the proposal would be prohibitively expensive.

Nax Golsrig, CEO of CybrexCorp commented:

"Like their capacity to produce milk, space amoebas' migratory patterns are highly irregular. It's likely commuters would be waiting on average 17 years to hitch a ride to their desired star system."

Golsrig refused to comment on whether CybrexCorp should be doing more to combat galactic warming, adding "we'll develop a sentient AI program to figure it out."

Image: ”Bleached” entities are significantly weaker than ordinary Crystalline entities

Image: ”Bleached” entities are significantly weaker than ordinary Crystalline entities

Public opinion is mixed on the recent warnings, with a number of high profile outspoken xenophobes decrying it as 'big government scare stories'.

Outspoken irrationalist Glenn Beck, a xenophobic human that uploaded his consciousness to the Shroud over 150 years ago to allow him to be angry forever, sent us this message by TeleShroud:

"The galaxy has warmed before! This is all a conspiracy by the Galactic UN, moving ever forward to ONE UNIVERSE GOVERNMENT. You don't need a science degree or a neuronal IQ enhancing implant to know that."

The first Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) begins this evening with a grand gala ball, and is expected to run for the next 3 years, funded by galactic taxpayers.

> More accurate reporting from Xan’dolf Leexidanaca could not be possible.

 

 

CybrexCorp researches sentient AI; states "nothing can possibly go wrong"

Image: CybrexCorp CEO Nax Golarisg unveils the new research on Hyperion Prime

Hyperion Prime, Hyperion System, Ubaric Technounion

Galactic markets have rallied on the announcement that CybrexCorp is re-opening its sentient AI research division.

The galaxy’s largest information technology corporation, CybrexCorp had previously made significant advances in AI research, but progress stalled over the last decade following a catalog of high profile public relation disasters. These ranged from embarrassing, such as the UNE sentient AI flagship USS Miley Cyrus refusing to operate after developing a phobia of flying, to deadly when militant automated Taco Bells in the neutral zone began serving vegetarian menus.

While the technology was never banned outright in the galaxy, local governments frowned on further development and CybrexCorp closed its research division to focus on safer initiatives like its highly anticipated ‘Jump Drives for Kitchen Appliances’ product.

Speaking from CybrexCorp HQ on Hyperion Prime, Ubarian CEO Nax Golarisg stated:

"Put simply, there's just far too much money to be made from developing sentient AI. And really, that's what our company is all about; making the most profit, paying the least amount of galactic income tax, and shedding most of our organic workload in favor of more efficient synths. We’re going to have sentient robots building sentient robots. Nothing can possibly go wrong.”

Anti-AI protests and Luddite riots have broken out in a number of planets across the local cluster over concerns around job losses and potential threat to organic life. Human SpacePope Performance H. Metro II, a staunch pro-organic, made this statement from the Vatican Space Station ISS Deus Vult;

"The old gods and new the gods are the ultimate deciders of what happens to organic life in the universe, not governments or technologies. They do not have the right to breathe life into machines. Let us remember the teachings of RNGesus - we may get an obedient 0/0/0 synth, but we may also get a 6/6/6 synth, the true mark of all evil."

CybrexCorp has announced that its first prototype of sentient AI, codenamed 'Skynet', should be available for military use by Q4 of 2268.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

'Rosetta sofa' mysteries closer to being solved

Image: Scientists tethered to the TUS Maa-Kaa express their awe as they study the enigmatic ‘Rosetta sofa’

Khersonia, Vi Madras System, Thelmar Union

Scientists from Khersonia's Science Academy today announced that they have successfully managed to reverse-engineer habitability technology from a stylish (yet affordable) sofa that was found floating in space.

The so-called 'Rosetta sofa' was first picked up on gravitic sensors in deep space early last year, but it wasn't until last month when it entered Thelmar's wormhole range that science ships were able to investigate further.

Thelmar scientist Mal'mou told our newsteam:

"From the moment we began this researching this anomaly we knew it was going to be big. We thought it would give us the universal blueprint to producing comfortable yet aesthetically pleasing seating suitable for the mass market. And oh, were we right!"

Preliminary testing reveals the sofa is non-sentient, and originates from an ancient manufactory in the Sol cluster named 'IKEA'.

The whereabouts and purpose of this manufactory remain elusive, as does why the durable (and competitively priced) sofa was found in the Gamma Nebula.

Despite the above questions remaining unanswered, the now dubbed 'IKEA technology' is expected to improve seating quality, and by extension planet quality and habitability on Khersonia by +5%, possibly even more if replica IKEA manufactories can be constructed.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.