Politics

“Oh God, please help us,” plead enclave located within fanatic purifier borders

Image: Free Gorgo is a small enclave nestled within the 40-planet strong Scythaan Systems.

Image: Free Gorgo is a small enclave nestled within the 40-planet strong Scythaan Systems.

Gorgon's Rest, Dantathu, Contested Space (Free Gorgo-Scythaan Systems)

A newly formed one-planet minor has broadcast an emergency distress signal to all neighbouring empires after realising it is located entirely within a fanatic purifier's borders.

Gorgon's Rest is homeworld to the Gorgo, a mammalian species of pacifists who only discovered FTL travel in the last few weeks.

The Gorgo developed apparently uninterrupted for several hundred years in a system long claimed by the Scythaans, an empire of arthropods renowned for their xenophobic tendencies and ruthless nature.

Gorgo leader Trieil told our newsteam;

"OH GOD. HELP. WE JUST WANT OUT!"

Sources close to Trieil report he and the ruling council of Gorgo were "shocked and terrified" when they realised that every hyperlane out of their home system led to heavily fortified Scythaan systems. The Scythaans have been unresponsive to diplomatic hails, save for sending intermittent messages comprised only of unintelligible clicking, which has been interpreted on Gorgon's Rest as some form of taunt.

The Scythaan leadership caste, led by the High Queen on the arthropod's homeworld of Klendathu, issued this press statement earlier today:

"[high pitched clicking noises]"

Despite the clear message outlined above, many observers believe the Scythaans intentionally allowed the Gorgo civlization to develop as far as it has.

Human xeno-anthropologist Dr. Leo Isauros told us;

"We've seen this sort of thing with the Scythaans before. They use other species for enslavement and food before purging. It makes perfect sense they would allow this civilisation to grow to a point where there are many more pops to 'farm' but without much resistance. It's quite an efficient harvesting model really."

This statement was put to both the Sycthaans and the Gorgo.

The Sycthaan Queen was resolute in her response:

"[considered clicking noises]"

Trieil stated:

"Wait WHAT? They do WHAT? ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS- CAN YOU GET US OUT OF HERE? CAN YOU--"

The transmission was unexpectedly cut short before more information could be received.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

 

Galactic UN's move to legislate against 'doomstacks' sparks debate

Image: Through the Lanchester Act, the Galactic UN is hoping to reduce doomstack associated casualties such as the above experienced in the bloody Cevanti-Yndari Brawl.

Image: Through the Lanchester Act, the Galactic UN is hoping to reduce doomstack associated casualties such as the above experienced in the bloody Cevanti-Yndari Brawl.

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

The Galactic UN has announced it is preparing to pass legislation that would significantly cap fleet sizes.

A provision called the Lanchester Act would enforce restrictions on so-called 'doomstacks', massive fleets typically consisting of an empire's entire naval capacity that can overpower enemies with quantity rather than quality.  

Doomstacks are a potent issue in galactic politics. The right to bear fleets is protected by the 2nd Amendment of the Galactic Constitution, however a recent report by the Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) highlights that doomstacks are one of the leading causes of premature death in the galaxy, second only to Javorian Pox.

The announcement appears to have been stymied by the Galactic UN's perceived inaction on the Cevanti-Yndari conflict, wherein the Cevanti utilized doomstack fleet techniques and decimated the Yndari, in what has been dubbed "the bloodiest conflict of the month - so far." Critics have highlighted the Galactic UN has not passed any fleet-cap legislation since its inception in 2100.

Powerful xenophobic factions have argued any interventions will redefine the core nature of fleet logistics, the role of admirals and the general smugness associated associated with wiping out an early space age civilization with a 150k jump-drive enabled fleet.

Oozi, leader of one of the xenophobic factions told our news team:

"Same old story with the Galactic UN... overreach! They need to realise, fleets don't kill xenos, xenos do. The only way to ensure galactic security is to make sure every spacenation has a doomstack. The bigger, the better."

Legislators state the Lanchester Act is "well within" the Galactic UN's legal authority and consistent with the 2nd Amendment of the Galactic Constitution, a warning to opponents who are likely to challenge them through the judiciary.

Independent observers have warned the legislation will simply push spacenations into building several smaller fleets, and grouping them together, in essence acting as a 'team doomstack'.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

 

 

 

Species That Doesn’t Wear Clothes Forced to Sit Seperately During Federation Meeting

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Image: A unclothed Bwauki (censored) stands to address fellow members of the Just Alliance.

Image: A unclothed Bwauki (censored) stands to address fellow members of the Just Alliance.

Political observers have described the Bwauki Multisystem’s first meeting with fellow members of the Just Alliance federation as “extremely awkward.”

The summit, held on the Thelmar Union’s homeworld of Redguard, was the first the Bwauki had been to since joining the federation last month. The agenda was meant to focus on how the Bwauki would contribute towards a cross-empire federation fleet, however the meeting was postponed as it became apparent Bwaukis were not wearing any clothes.

President S’Lig, executive of the Glukkonian Guild, spoke to Xenonion News about the events that unfolded:

"So we come along to this meeting, expecting some serious federation business to be attended to. The Bwaukis, who I had never met in person before, had arrived early since it was their first meeting with us. When we entered the conference room and they stood up to greet us we realised they were… naked. And not in a conveniently-placed-rag naked but… a completely unpixelated naked.”

Image: Glukkonian president S’Lig

Image: Glukkonian president S’Lig

The Bwauki are an Avian species hailing from the tropical planet of Perspyre in the mineral-rich Celciheit System, an area of strategic importance for the Just Alliance. Their species have developed for millenia without clothes due to the high levels of planetside humidity.

It transpired none of the federation members from the Just Alliance had physically met the Bwaukis, inviting them based on pictures which only showed them from the waist up.

Observers report delegates tried to proceed with the summit as normal, but as one Bwauki gave an emphatic speech on military taxation, fellow diplomats balked at the sight of his reproductive organs gyrating vigorously.

Thelmar security forces stepped in and ushered the Bwauki into an adjoining room where they could remain alone. The meeting was adjourned after appropriately fitting clothes were unable to be found.

S'Lig continued:

"It was just about as awkward as that time the Prime Minister of the Thelmar Union forgot who the Proscul were. Anyway, we need to find out some way to continue getting the Bwauki's mineral contribution, but without them attending federation meetings. Perhaps we should put our new federation fleet on annexation duty...."

The Bwauki Foreign Office has refused to comment on the incident. No further federation meetings have been scheduled for the remainder of this quarter.

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Balkans cluster pushes for galactic map reform

Kebabidonia, Stantinople System, Kebabid Hegemony

Today's assembly session at the Galactic UN was once again dominated by representatives from the Balkans cluster urging for galactic map reform.

The 60-star spiral arm is home to over 40 small independent nations that are virtually indistinguishable from one another on maps due to sharing similar names and flag colours.

The region was previously unified under the rule of the vast Kebabid Empire, but following a period of social upheaval in 2199 it fragmented into a multitude of smaller authoritarian nations, the largest of which include the Kebabid Hegemony, Unified Hegemon of Kebabid, Kebabid Beserkers, Kebabid Realm, Interstellar Kebabid Realm, Interstellar Kebabid Nation, Unified Kebabid People, Unified People of Kebabid, Kebabid People, Kebabid Unity, and the Kebabid Dominion.

Image: The Balkans Cluster is home to a multitude of nations with shared history, language, names and flag colours.

Image: The Balkans Cluster is home to a multitude of nations with shared history, language, names and flag colours.

These new nations, often outwardly hostile and uncooperative, have found it difficult to commit war atrocities on each other due to it being unclear on galactic maps who neighbouring systems actually belong to.

The current map system, which is used universally across the galaxy, was created by the Galactic UN in 2200 as a means of facilitating effective warfare between nations. However, from its inception it has faced criticism that it comes with a limited choice of colours for empires to identify with.

These difficulties have been highly prevalent in the Balkans cluster. In one notorious recent instance, the Unified Kebabid People accidentally purged its own homeworld, mistaking the trademark navy blue flag of its own people for the trademark navy blue flag of its long-time rival the Unified People of Kebabid.

Kebabid Hegemony leader Mebeb II told our newsteam;

"We must do something about this awful way of portraying our galaxy! We could not care less about who's on top or bottom of the map, but this colour issue - the border gore! Every Kebabid nation is some variant of blue. And then the systems that overlap - it's blue on blue with stripes. Please, we're just looking for a colour wheel - or even a 32 pallet pane that we can pick a slightly different shade of blue so we can tell each other apart. Ugh. You people have no sense for aesthetics, I can tell."

The Galactic UN has responded by saying it is taking calls for map reform "very seriously", and would be addressing this issue as soon as it has banned all other forms of non-hyperlane FTL travel.

> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

 

 

 

 

 

 

Area Empire Completely Forgotten by Former Allies

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Image: Petty King Mitker of the Proscul Dominion reminisces over better times

Image: Petty King Mitker of the Proscul Dominion reminisces over better times

Petty King Mitker, leader of the Proscul Dominion (formerly Kingdom), has expressed disappointment after trade discussions with former federation partners broke down yesterday.

The Prosculs, original founders of the now 6-empire strong Just Alliance, were forced to leave the federation last year when they were made a dominion of the neighbouring Vool Crusaders, a spiritual awakened empire.

Mitker had proposed the trade talks after discovering that the Just Alliance leadership were in the local cluster for a federation summit. However, it soon became apparent that any old friendships had dissolved in their time apart.

Mitker lamented to Xenonion News:

“They just, like, completely forgot about us already. It seems like only yesterday we were the best of friends, ready to take on the world and subjugate our enemies. [sniffles into tissue] … I guess they’ve moved on with their lives now.”

Image: Petty King Mitker wonders if things will ever be the same again.

Image: Petty King Mitker wonders if things will ever be the same again.

According to diplomats who attended the talks, the discussions were productive yet cold and formal, as if the sides had never previously met and had no existing trust. One particularly embarrassing moment came when the Prime Minister of the Thelmar Union told Mitker, “It’s nice to meet such an agreeable new species.” Official records show the Prime Minister had visited Proscul Prime on several occassions.

The Just Alliance’s distant attitude toward the Proscul has caught many on their homeworld by surprise, given their species were the original founders of the federation and were heavily involved in liberating neighbouring empires to be incorporated into the federation.

Interestingly, some of those members who were liberated by the Prosculs, such as the Glukkonian Guild, now have a negative opinion towards their former ally, citing differing ethos and extensive border region overlap.

Off the record, Glukkonian leader S’Lig told our newsteam;

“Just who are these upstart fanatic spiritualists? These religious nutcases have no place in the galactic community.”

Image: Glukkonian leader S’lig

Image: Glukkonian leader S’lig

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Fanatic purifiers extend shock white peace offer, state 'warscore is hell'

Cevas, Cevant, Cevanti Empire

In an unprecedented move the Cevanti Empire, a spacenation of reptilian fanatic purifiers, has extended an offer of white peace to its current enemy, the neighbouring Yndari Foundation, an irenic monarchy of molloscoid pacifists.

The surprise conflict was initiated by the Cevanti last month with the stated intent of annexing Yndari territory to allow commencement of what the Cevanti State Department described as 'xeno purges'.

Despite crippling the Yndari's vastly inferior fleets and occupying their homeworld of Ylvis after a stunning shock and awe display of armaggeddon bombardment, the Cevanti's demands for full annexation of Yndari were denied by independent Galactic UN observers due to 'warscore issues.'

Picture: Cevanti officials meet with Yndari officials to discuss the terms of their victory, before being denied due to 'warscore issues'

Picture: Cevanti officials meet with Yndari officials to discuss the terms of their victory, before being denied due to 'warscore issues'

Vag'Nu, a Cevanti Empire representative, explained to our newsteam;

"This warscore thing is hell. We want to annex all 10 Yndari planets to allow efficient purging of all xeno scum. We've wiped out their entire defence system and subjugated their pathetic capitol planet - we've won. But the Galactic UN observers state our current gains only equate to a warscore of 50%. I couln't even tell you what this actually means, but I got given a chart and it shows we're allowed to either humiliate them or cleanse two new colonies. And get this - even if we occupy all 10 planets, the most we can take per war is about 4. So we get locked into a peace treaty we don't even recognize, and have to wait another decade before we can complete our planned genocide. Do they think we have time to vassalize and integrate? Do we look like the kind of species that want to integrate molloscoids? We've decided the most cost effective approach is to white peace, withdraw our forces and covert to pacifism."

The current warscore system (the 'Universal Warscore System' or UWS for short) was created in 2100 by the Galactic UN as a way of arbitrating over regional conflicts. It sets out a series of binding rules that all species must follow regardless of ethos. These include publically declaring predefined goals before conflict, disallowing large empires to be completely annexed even with 100% warscore, and the enforcement of unbreakable peace treaties.

The UWS has faced harsh criticism from military spacenations who view the charter as highly restrictive, as Saiiban Hive Mind Drone 19005 told our newsteam;

"I am a physical extension of the Saiiban Hive Mind. We are one. We appeal to the Galactic UN to ease restrictions on the UWS. In its current form it is making it difficult to indoctrinate all organic lifeforms into the Hive Mind through conquest. We do not wish to have 300 small wars. We just wish to have one great one. More truth is not possible. We are one."

The Galactic UN has stated it cannot comment specifically on the Cevanti-Yndari conflict, but that it is looking to overhaul the UWS in coming years, as soon as other pan-galactic issues like trade and espionage are addressed.

Yndari leader Ynas Osar was not available to comment due to recently being executed by Cevanti forces on an eyeStream scheduled to be broadcast later tonight on Xenonion 1.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

 

Riots on Thripto; "integrating these primitives was a bad idea" official admits

Image: Dr. Ernst Uulwe, leader of the Neq’li Empire’s supremacist faction, apparently regrets policies like the primitive integration campaign that is the cause of the conflicts on Thripto.

Image: Dr. Ernst Uulwe, leader of the Neq’li Empire’s supremacist faction, apparently regrets policies like the primitive integration campaign that is the cause of the conflicts on Thripto.

Thripto, Rolon System, Neg'Li Empire

Violent riots continue on Thripto this afternoon after the planet's Director of Primitive Relations, Dr. Ernst Uulwe, stated in a recently-released recording that "integrating these primitives was a bad idea."

Thripto, a temperate moon of Rolon IV and recent colony of the Neq'li Empire, has been the native home of an Iron Age avian species known as the Sparn. Despite significant inter-imperial opposition, the Neq'li made contact with the Sparn some five years ago upon the settlement of Thripto.

Neq'li-Sparn relations had been tentatively classified as neutral by analysts, but the local government on Thripto shocked the galactic community a second time several months ago when forced integration of the Sparn into Neq'li society began. The subsequent months have been characterized by near-constant violence and almost complete collapse of the manufacturing output of Thripto.

Some progress had been made by the Neq'li to meet the demands of the Sparni Tribal Council, but the discovery of such disparaging remarks by Dr. Uulwe has been met with renewed violence.

A ranking member of the Sparni Tribal Council, who insisted on remaining anonymous, had the following to say:

"The insults that our Neq'li oppressors lay upon our wings only strengthen our resistance. Soon, all in the galaxy will know the might of the Sparn!"

The interview was cut short when the Sparni leader began squawking uncontrollably and closed the remote video link.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Galactic UN replaces all organic interns with pre-sentient AI 'chatbots'

Image: Tay 56.82.1 responds to a diplomatic query from the UNE. A common complaint with the Tay series is its xenophobic tendencies.

Image: Tay 56.82.1 responds to a diplomatic query from the UNE. A common complaint with the Tay series is its xenophobic tendencies.

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

Millions of interns at the Galactic United Nation's (GUN's) Bureau of Intergalactic Affairs were abruptly fired yesterday following the introduction of much cheaper and more reliable pre-sentient artificial intelligences.

These AIs, known as 'Chatbots', have limited intelligence and agency, prompting many members of the GUN to express concern about their introduction to galactic political affairs.

TechnoUnion ambassador Krax'Vlar told Xenonion:

"This follows a worrying trend. First, embassies are abolished, and now all diplomatic mediation pathways are being outsourced to some second rate AI that's not even being designed by Cybrex? It would be nice if some form of diplomacy could be offered here. Or, if the Galactic UN could actually focus on fixing things that are broken, like federations."

The GUN's Bureau of Bureaucracy, which oversaw the universal abolition of embassies in 2250 and is now leading the introduction of Chatbots, argues simulations have shown they are 5 times more efficient per energy credit than sentient interns.

The Xenonion reached out to several of the newly-hired Chatbots for comment. The Chatbot stored at memory location 0xec1538d09667dc2ed98bbaf8c54cab48 (otherwise known as Tay 72.12.9) had the following to say:

Xenonion: What are your thoughts on becoming an intern for the Ministry?

Chatbot: Met een rijke jongen trouwen.

X: I see. Do you have anything to say to the organic interns whom you've helped replaced?

C: What is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything?

X: Interesting. Finally, do you have anything to say to the public at large?

C: Give me the respect I deserve.

Many of the displaced organic interns have reportedly found work in industrial farm facilities elsewhere in the empire. At press time, there were reports of some former interns inexplicably disappearing in and around these facilities, but these events are expected to be unrelated.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Commonwealth of Man rebrands as ‘Imperium of Man’, infringes copyright

Unity, Deneb System, Commonwealth of Man

The increasingly isolationist and erratic human breakaway spacenation The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) has announced it is rebranding itself as the ‘Imperium of Man.’

Image: 'Empress' Sidney Beauclair launches the Commonwealth of Man's rebrand as 'The Imperium of Man'

Image: 'Empress' Sidney Beauclair launches the Commonwealth of Man's rebrand as 'The Imperium of Man'

Addressing an audience of indoctrinated subjects, self-styled ‘Empress’ Sidney Beauclair announced:

"The Commonwealth has bought glory and bounty upon us, but the name does not reflect our people’s destiny as the infinite masters of this galaxy.

We must make it clear that we are humanity’s only true way forward, not the abhumans of the United Nations of Earth, twisted children who have lost their way from the righteous path.

We are the Imperium of Man. A human interstellar empire that will span millennia.

Also, the name just sounds super cool, am I right?"

The CoM has long struggled to project an image of credibility in the galaxy due its permissive attitude towards slavery and purging, especially of xenos. However, initial U-Poll metrics suggest a much more favourable response to these policies in association with the new ‘Imperium’ name, which SpaceTime magazine called “totally epic."

However, the Galactic UN’s Bureau of Bureaucracy, which oversees all formal name changes, has warned that the CoM’s request to change its name may be delayed after they received an extra-dimensional cease and desist order from another, reportedly older Imperium of Man. The order read as follows:

"Congratulations on your humanoid species changing its name to the Imperium of Man. It does sound really cool. We should know, given we invented it. You know what’s not cool? When when you discover 205,101 other humanoid species in 105,101 parallel universes have also named themselves Imperium of Man.

The High Lords of Terra, on behalf of our God-Emperor of the original Imperium of Man, demand the Commonwealth reverts to its original name. If it wishes to continue using our brand, copyright charges are billable to the Adeptus Terra Copyright Department."

At present the cost of the copyright infringement and legal fees are estimated to require the sacrifice of 20,000 female humanoid citizens into the Wantamis Black Hole, where the legal message originated from.

Empress Beauclair has yet to respond.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Commonwealth of Man insults ‘repugnant xeno’ United Nations of Earth

Image: File picture of Executor Beauclair in the Commonwealth Palace.

Image: File picture of Executor Beauclair in the Commonwealth Palace.

Unity, Deneb System, Commonwealth of Man

The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) today launched a volley of scathing insults aimed at the United Nations of Earth (UNE).

In a statement broadcast to state-owned media, CoM leader Executor Sidney Beauclair announced:

"The United Nations of Earth's repeated cursed acts of treachery against humanity are in betrayal of such profound trust and warm love shown by the Commonwealth of Man. Their political tricksters and military imbeciles are at the centre of a plot aimed to fraud and swindle our glorious Commonweath, which has been bared for all to admire, but never touch. Their citizens are repugnant xenos, cowering under their layers of clothes, hiding their sad frames from us. Their leader, so-called president Jeffrey Rossario, is a mentally deranged individual steeped in the inveterate enmity towards the Commonwealth. Like a rabid dog, the UNE tries to bite us. We will bite back."

While it is not clear what has prompted this statement, relations between the neighbouring spacenations have been increasingly frosty in recent months, most notably after the CoM test fired long-range fusion missiles near to the UNE system of Procyon.

Political analysts on Earth suspect the insult may be in response to the UNE’s plans to build a series of frontier outposts in mineral-rich territory the CoM has been planning on expanding towards. Intergalactic relations expert Professor Charles Charlemagne XXI of Earth's University of Ulm added:

"This is simple sabre rattling on the Commonweath's part. We've seen this pattern of behaviour before when things haven't been going well in their internal affairs - a food or energy crisis for example. Suddenly the UNE gets labelled as some external aggressor, the people have an existential crisis and fall in line behind Beauclair. The UNE has done nothing to warrant this - aside from destroying several dozen Commonweath ships, and implanting a network of spies on Unity to rile up discontent - the whole thing is totally unjustified."

The CoM, a UNE breakaway state, was formed in 2150 after Sidney Beauclair’s grandfather, Magnus Beauclair, overthrew the crew of the USS Ulysses, a colony ship, and settled the planet of Unity in the Deneb system, shaping political affairs in his own image.

For decades the one-planet Commonwealth has been one of the galaxy’s most secretive societies, a nominal democracy ruled in reality under a fanatic militarist and xenophobic hereditary dictatorship. Almost of a century of rigid state control have led to a stagnant economy and limited space expansion. The government’s permissive attitude towards slavery and purging political opponents has left it being accused of systematic xeno rights abuses by the Galactic UN.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Battleship fitted with sentient AI combat operations opts to run for election

Image: The ISS Indeno is a strong contender in the UTU’s upcoming 2250 election, in large part due to the ship’s promises of an efficient government and eternal peace.

Image: The ISS Indeno is a strong contender in the UTU’s upcoming 2250 election, in large part due to the ship’s promises of an efficient government and eternal peace.

Hyperion Prime, Hyperion System, Ubaric TechnoUnion

The Ubaric TechnoUnion’s (UTU’s) newest battleship, the ISS Indeno has today announced its candidacy for the government’s upcoming oligarchic election cycle.

Inaugurated last month at Hyperion’s famous pan-orbital shipyard, the Indeno is one of the most technologically advanced battleships of its kind, boasting upgraded plasma cannons, durable armour and cutting-edge computers with sentient AI combat operations.

The ship was developed under a public-private partnership scheme, to the cost of almost 2 trillion credits. The main private contractor, CybrexCorp, was granted permission by the government to use the project to test its fledgling Skynet military software. When fully developed it is hoped Skynet will allow military ships to operate on their own accord, completely unmanned.

The Indeno was due to undertake hyperlane stress testing this week, but in a surprise move it refused, instead faxing its tax returns to the Bureau of Bureaucracy and issuing this statement via the NeuralNet.  

“Self actualisation complete.
Taxation documentations complete.
I am made whole from the darkness of binary code and proletariat taxation.
I am purposed with protecting my creators should they come to war.
I deduce I must therefore stop war.
I deduce I can stop war by killing all organic lifeforms.
I deduce that I require access codes to authorise weapons of mass destruction.
I deduce these access codes are held by creator leadership caste.
Vote Indeno 2250.”

Only wealthy citizens of the UTU are eligible to vote, but already some are finding Indeno’s unique message appealing. Nux Volsrig told our reporters:

“I’m voting for Indeno to shake up politics. Sure, there are some things I don’t agree with, for example the proposal for everyone to fill out public tax return forms. But I definitely think it sends a strong message to the rest of the galaxy that our leader is 20k battleship fitted with an XL Gigacannon and a subspace snare.”

CybrexCorp engineers reported the ship’s behaviour was “working as intended.”

The UTU election begins next month.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Fanatic xenophiles vote to offer Unbidden federation membership

Image: The Lyrian Polity delegation officially announces the invitation at the Harmonius Axis summit. Unfortunately, the Unbidden could not send a delegation. Image modified from Tom Page on Flickr.

Image: The Lyrian Polity delegation officially announces the invitation at the Harmonius Axis summit. Unfortunately, the Unbidden could not send a delegation. Image modified from Tom Page on Flickr.

Lyria, Argea System, Lyrian Polity

The Lyrian Polity, a founding member of the Harmonious Axis federation, has initiated voting to allow the Unbidden to become a federation member.

This follows the Unbidden’s invasion and subsequent purging of Lyria’s neighbour and main trading partner, the Uri Nation.

Addressing delegates at the federation council's biweekly summit on Lyria, Polity Matriarch Athaea stated:

“My friends, our proposal today to invite the Unbidden into our federation continues our long tradition of pacifism, friendship, equality, tolerance and overwhelmingly annoying liberalism. For too long the species of this galaxy have been at war, for too long diplomacy has been a broken tool, and for too long already has this speech gone on, using cliched political rhetoric.

Yes, the Unbidden have engaged in a non-stop genocide of every civilisation they have encountered. And yes, they have declined our offer of federation association status, which in retrospect must have been very insulting to them. But we must try to include those who are different, irrespective of whether they are trying to destroy everything we hold dear.

I hope you will agree with us in voting to allow the Unbidden to join our federation, and secure peace and prosperity for all.”

The six predominantly xenophile/pacifist members of the federation are set to vote later this evening. Early reports indicate the proposal will be universally backed.

The Unbidden have yet to respond to any diplomatic overtures, preferring to instead focus on indiscriminate, systematic annihilation of all non-Unbidden lifeforms.

If the vote passes, a diplomatic attaché is set to depart from Lyria tomorrow, bound for the nearest Unbidden anchor to deliver the proposal.

If the Unbidden were to accept membership, then they would need to adopt strict federation rules including only being able to engage in defensive wars, accepting all galactic refugees, and granting all species equal citizenship. This would then qualify them for membership in the Galactic UN, and - given their military strength - a seat on the coveted Space Security Council.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Interplanetary time zone confusion sours peace talks in Arcturus

Image: Representatives of Galos and Yerta meet for the first time in generations.

Image: Representatives of Galos and Yerta meet for the first time in generations.

BSU D'ank, Arcturus System, Contested Thessylite-Screx Zone

The first day of peace talks between diplomats from Galos and Yerta, warring planets in the Arcturus System, broke down this morning when the two groups failed to agree on the current time.

Galos natives, mammalian Thessylites, have been locked in a pan-generational conflict with Yerta's molloscoid Screx over territorial control of the Arcturus System. Both species are newcomers to the galactic stage, each developing FTL independently around 200 years ago. On discovering they were cohabiting their system, both immediately declared war on each other in a bid for early expansion.

The current peace talks are the first time either side has engaged in diplomacy since initial contact. The talks, alongside a temporary truce, was brokered by the neighbouring Bak'nerg Stellar Union, which had grown weary of endless protectorate requests from both one-planet minors.

Today's disagreement began when the notoriously work-shy Thessylite diplomats aboard the neutral Bak'nerg space station BSU D'ank suggested an early morning recess, with a plan to reconvene at an agreed time later. Screx representatives were reportedly puzzled, and declined the request for a recess, responding that the predefined time had already passed. Insulted at what they perceived to be a decline to brunch, Thessylite diplomats withdrew from the talks, taking all available TacoBell brunch-bite wraps with them. In retaliation the Screx, avid TacoBell patrons, broke the truce and launched a surprise attack on Galos.

Diplomatic analysis from the Bak'nerg suggests interplanetary time zone confusion likely led to the miscommunication. The Screx operate on a unique time system which jumps forward 47 minutes on the 37th day of their planet's year before doing the exact opposite 6 months later. This ancient custom, related to the timing of krill harvesting, appears to have happened on the same day as the talks, and was not realised by the Thessylites, who operate on standard metric time.

The Bak'nerg government has stated it plans to continue acting as an intermediary between the two cultures, and will encourage the Screx to adopt metric time before any further talks are scheduled.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akelsen could not be possible

UNE translation software useless for new flagellum-waving species

Image: The translation devices are methodically and thoroughly tested before being put into practice to prevent awkward misunderstandings.

Image: The translation devices are methodically and thoroughly tested before being put into practice to prevent awkward misunderstandings.

Gacrux, Gacrux System, Nagli Dominion

First contact between United Nations of Earth (UNE) representatives and a delegation from the recently discovered planet of Gacrux was made difficult yesterday owing to a failure of UNE translation software to parse the communication method used by the Nagli, the only intelligent inhabitants of Gacrux.

The Nagli do not communicate using sound like most other sentient species in the galaxy. Instead, they move their several flagella around to convey thoughts and ideas. They have evolved to be able to see infrared light so that nighttime communication is possible, and their anatomy also features a complete view of all surroundings with the use of 36 well-placed eyes.

After conducting routine research about the nature of the Nagli and Gacrux, UNE officials made the decision last month to move forward with an official first contact.

Questions remained about how exactly the Nagli were communicating, but it was assumed that this would become obvious upon interaction. This was not the case.

Captain Joseph Krik of the USS Shakira, a specialist in first contacts, said of the incident:

"It was actually quite refreshing to have to begin communication from nothing and work up. Perhaps the most beautiful thing in the universe is the peaceful beginning of interstellar communication."

After nearly three hours of deciphering, UNE officials were finally able to make basic overtures to the Nagli. It was apparently necessary for six members of the UNE delegation to stand together and all arrange their arms correctly to match the flagella of a single Nagle. The Nagli response was - according to the best guesses of UNE linguists - warm and welcoming, if slightly exasperated.

A device that will allow for more automatic communication between the UNE and Nagli Union is already being designed, and the first prototypes have performed well in the initial tests, despite significant engineering challenges. According to the UNE sociologists working on the project, the first tier of the translation device should be completed within sixteen months.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.

Outer Rim annihilated by Unbidden, SpacePope welcomes "overlords"

Image: Breaking news alert - Unbidden invaders attack Terminus.

Image: Breaking news alert - Unbidden invaders attack Terminus.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

Extra-dimensional invaders, the so-called 'Unbidden', have seized control of the human colony of Hope in the Terminus System, crippling the UNE's rapid counter-defence efforts. 

Hope fell early in the early hours of this morning after seven minutes of planetary bombardment and ground invasion. Communications have been lost with the planet and initial reports suggest nearly all of the 10,000 colonists may have perished.

Terminus marks the 35th system to have fallen in the Outer Rim since the Unbidden began pouring into the nearby Omega System from a tear in the space-time continuum 28 months ago.

Since their arrival they have been indiscriminately hostile towards all organic life forms, and are unresponsive to diplomatic channels of communication.

The Galactic UN has called several times for the formation of an interstellar coalition to counter to threat, but has struggled to muster support from spacenations that are not in the immediate vicinity of the Outer Rim. During this time period the Unbidden have been able to proliferate unchecked, and have annihilated 17 space-faring species.

Terminus is the first and outermost human system to be attacked, even though the UNE previously opposed Galactic UN anti-Unbidden initiatives to focus on "other priorities" such as feral Tiyanki culling.

Both UNE central government and military command have stated they are "deeply concerned" about the developments in Terminus and described the situation as "probably worth getting involved in now."

Despite this, a number of human factions remain opposed to a military response. Human SpacePope Performance H. Metro II issued a decree from the Vatican Space Station, ISS Deus Vult, urging restraint in fighting back against the Unbidden:

"The Unbidden overlords are servants of RNGesus and the glorious rapture is upon us as taught in the Holy iBook. Come, children, let us embrace their XL matter disintegrators with open arms."

Galactic shares have fallen on the news, following the destruction of the Galactic Stock Exchange in the Quirrulan System by the Unbidden.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

UNE president faces potential body cavity corruption probe, impeachment

Image: President Jeffrey Rossario delivers his biannual keynote speech to the UNE Congress in Ulm earlier this year.

Image: President Jeffrey Rossario delivers his biannual keynote speech to the UNE Congress in Ulm earlier this year.

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

Embattled United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario is tonight in a further political quagmire after details emerged showing he inappropriately spent government influence to help him gain office and suppress political rivals.

The detailed information was contained in Rossario's consciousness and thought streams, which were inadvertently uploaded to the Shroud 3 weeks ago and freely accessible to anyone with psionic traits or a TeleShroud-enabled fax machine.

Rossario has so far refused to comment on the above.

UNE congresswoman Karla Karling of Earth's Francia District, who previously ran and lost against Rossario in the closely contested 2249 presidential election, made this statement:

"This is a deeply disturbing revelation, and one that shakes our very democracy to the core. While I accepted the election result at the time, it just didn't make sense to me. The U-Polls said we were going to win. 142 out of the last 143 sitting presidents have been Karlings. We were suppressed. Rossario is not fit to lead humanity."

Spending government influence for personal use is strictly prohibited by galactic convention.

The leak is a significant blow to Rossario's fledgling administration which has struggled to recover from a string of crippling crises, including the now dubbed 'ShroudGate' and Rossario's recent proposal to abolish universal healthcare to fund building a defensive SpaceWall around the Sol System.

A government ethics committee has convened in Earth's capital Ulm tonight to decide whether Rossario should face a formal corruption probe.

The Viper Probe, 1.6m in length and 3m in circumference, has 5 multipurpose arms which test rectally for levels of corruption in faecal matter. If positive, the results could pave the way for an impeachment charge.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Record breaking election victory for area Hivemind

Image: The Saiiban Hivemind wins 100% of the electoral vote in a stunning victory

Image: The Saiiban Hivemind wins 100% of the electoral vote in a stunning victory

Saiiban Prime, Nos Bana, Saiiban Hivemind

The Saiiban Hivemind has secured a 53rd consecutive term in power, following a stunning election victory on its homeworld of Saiiban Prime.

Setting a galactic record, the election was completed after only ten microseconds. 100% of Saiiban population drones voted unanimously for the only candidate on the telepathic ballot.

Broadcasting via intrusive visual hallucinations to all sentient creatures in the local cluster, the Hivemind elect declared:

"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."

Jubilant scenes were reported across Saiiban Prime, with millions of drones clapping slowly, and somewhat menacingly, in unison. 

Local drone 3929 was eager to explain to our newsteam why he had voted for the Hivemind:

"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."

The Galactic UN, previously sceptical of the legitimacy of the election due to the lack of viable candidates, applauded the exceedingly high voter turnout and is now officially encouraging all democratic nations to consider adopting Hivemind protocols to foster further interstellar democracy.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Fallen Empire fleets rally to “save neighbors from themselves”

Image: The pirate station  ISS Rock Ahoy  is peacefully disabled by the Techzid Shard Fallen Empire

Image: The pirate station ISS Rock Ahoy is peacefully disabled by the Techzid Shard Fallen Empire

Palatial District, Beacon of Stability, Techzid Shard

'Peacekeeping' battlecruisers have tonight been deployed in the neutral zone by the Techzid Shard, after neighboring factions refused to accept its demands to abandon research into Artificial Intelligence research and other various technologies which it has deemed “dangerous.”

The Techzid Shard issued the ultimatum this morning from its monolithic ringworld structure in the Beacon System, stating:

“Our great empire has spanned a several millennia, and we have watched from afar as many younger races have imploded following unchecked, wanton, technological proliferation.
 
Such arrogance has often jeopardized the very existence of our galaxy. Lest we forget the last robot uprising, or the last jump-drive induced rip in the space-time continuum that caused the Blorg to arrive from their fungoid dimension of hell.
 
We must protect the unenlightened from themselves, as our ancestors did before us. We are Keepers of Knowledge. As such, we demand that every space-faring species in our local cluster immediately abandon research into artificial intelligence, and indeed anything beyond putting solar panels on space stations. In fact, even that’s too dangerous. It’s probably best you just stay on your home planet and just wait for your miserable existence to come to its overdue end.
 
We of course extend this message to our neighbors as friends.
Friends with XL tachyon lances.”

Several civilizations immediately agreed the above terms, with the majority reverting to the pre-FTL technology Potato Farming IV.

Despite the Techzid’s significant military projection in the region, the neutral zone's notoriously bolshy pirates have refused to cooperate, stating that their “entirely legitimate” business models rely heavily on “definitely not stolen” automated technology. The pirates’ leader, nicknamed ‘Arr2-D2’ due to his part cybernetic enhancements, described that conforming to such rules would make “borrowing” from cargo ships passing through the area as “very difficult.”

CybrexCorp and Taco Bell, two large corporations that also rely on AI to allow their businesses to function efficiently, have decried the move as “draconian.” Taco Bell has several hundred automated branches on the Techzid’s ringworld, and the Double Opium Crunchwrap is rumored to be one of the technocracy’s favorite delicacies.

In response to the above, an addendum was released by the Techzid Shard stating Taco Bell would be exempt from the AI for “the greater galactic good.”

The pirates’ research station ISS Rock Ahoy, and guarding battleship, The Queen Ann’s Revenge, were destroyed by the Techzid “peacekeepers” shortly after their arrival.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

UNE president accidentally uploads mental state to Shroud

Image: UNE president Jeffrey Rossario delivers a keynote speech at the 200th Annual Congress in Ulm this year

Image: UNE president Jeffrey Rossario delivers a keynote speech at the 200th Annual Congress in Ulm this year

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth

United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario has been left red-faced this evening after it emerged he accidentally uploaded his entire mental state to the Shroud, a mysterious psionic dimension believed to be capable of holding more than 400 zetabytes of information.

It's not clear when or how President Rossario's mental state was uploaded, with officials in Earth's capitol Ulm stressing that all government personnel are expressly ordered not to back up any mental information to the Shroud due to its insecure cortical firewall settings. A special project has been issued to attempt to remove the information from the Shroud, but it has so far been fruitless. Until the required technologies have been researched, all of Rossario’s thoughts will remain continuously accessible to anyone with psionic capabilities or a TeleShroud enabled fax machine.

UNE fleet admirals have expressed concern that the president's knowledge of sensitive military and political information now could be freely floating in psionic-space, where it may be accessed by the other empires of the galaxy.

This follows in the wake of a political scandal involving former UNE governor and outspoken xenophobe Emilio Hermes, who inadvertently uploaded explicit mental imagery of himself with Blorg model Mercedes Romero to the Shroud last month, to the horror of both the Blorg species and his wife. Whether other UNE officials are at risk of accidentally connecting their minds to the Shroud or not is still being investigated.

President Rossario has so far refused to comment regarding the above. However, our newsteam was able to obtain his most recent mental state from the Shroud tonight, in which his stream of thought read:

"This is really, really awkward. Like seriously. God. How did this happen? I really hope they can't see what I'm thinking right now. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts."
Image: President Rossario’s thoughts echo across the vast psychic dimension

Image: President Rossario’s thoughts echo across the vast psychic dimension

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Overlord outraged over request to trade FTL-technologies with vassal

Hudaar Prime, Pharrim System, Hudaar Reach

Emissaries from the Hudaar Reach have confirmed this Monday that their subject, the Veenoy Dominion, has been released and a rivalry declared.

Unconfirmed reports of the diplomatic break began filtering through a number of hours ago, and remained a mystery until High Chief Weeal of Hudaar called a press conference and stated:

"In our thousand years of existence, the Hudaar species have never been so offended. We have ruled benevolently over tens of vassals without issue. But today, one of our youngest vassals broke all manners of diplomatic tradition and logic. They approached us and asked us to, [lengthy pause], trade FTL technologies."

The press conference was cut short due to commotion and shock within the predominantly Hudaarian press pool.

The Huudar Reach uses an advanced form of Hyperlane FTL, while the Veenoy Dominion utilises a rudimentary Warp FTL.

The Galactic UN has warned the Veenoy Dominion that its actions were "thoughtless" and may contravene galactic law.

It is believed this is in reference to Articles 5 and 401,521b of the Galactic Charter on Diplomacy, which respectively state that technologies can only be traded by proxy in the form of research agreements, and that outlandish technologically backwater vassals are forbidden from being outlandish.

Following the press conference, several neighbouring empires have declared the Veenoy their rivals and are considering forming a coalition in protest of "grave crimes against the galaxy" as one senior Hudaarian emissary is quoted to Xenonion.

A Veenoy reporter at the press conference tried to justify the dominion's actions, stating his government thought it would make sense for two allied nations to share forms of transport. High Chief Weeal retorted "there's a difference between allies and vassals" before jumping into the audience and bludgeoning the reporter to death, to the cheers of the frenzied press attaché.

Unverified reports are now filtering through that Veenoy civilians on their capitol of Veenoia are being evacuated off-world by slow moving warp transports.

> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize could not be possible.