The Reformed Church of Dientology is a religious movement that offers individuals the ability transcend mortal life through ritualistic mass sacrifice.
Dientology’s founder Elron Hubble discovered that the single source of suffering today is the wretchedness of continued life itself. In his best-selling book, Dieanetics, he described an easily taught technology to overcome the difficulties of life — death.
You might have read a lot in the media criticizing Dientology as “yet another death cult.” However, that could not be further from the truth. Could your local death cult combine the religious fervor of the galaxy’s most zealous faiths, all while boasting the purchasing power of several interstellar corporations?
Now you can see the true power of Dientology, the doctrine of Dieanetics, and why celebrities such as Blorm Bruise and Tron Trovolto endorse us.
Intrigued? Read on to find out why we think you should join our death cult…
Starting Afresh
Your journey to spiritual rebirth starts at one of our many Dientology Processing Centers. To begin anew, you must release yourself of your material possessions. Church attendants will be ready to receive your assets, whether that be currency*, high-value electronics or property deeds. Such items will be stored in our sacred tax-exempt Vaults, where our High Priests work round the clock performing auditing rituals to decouple any negative energies associated with you.
N.B Our attendants accept all major currencies. Cash payment preferred.
Cleansing Yourself
Once you have been stripped and cavity searched, you will be taken to our Decontamination Chamber to initiate the sacred Cleansing Ritual. Six jets of high-powered holy bleach will wash away physical imperfections, including fingerprints that may help your non-believer friends and family identify you. It is vitally important your new purity is protected from their corrupting influence. Your freshly sterile skin also greatly reduces the risk of infection when our microchip tracker is inserted directly into your brainstem.
A New Look For A New You
The microchip grants you access to the Processing Center’s restricted areas. On clearing security you will be assigned a set of luxurious robes made from the finest hair donated from our mammalian acolytes. Dark and occasionally blood-stained, the avant-garde design is a new look for a new you. The constant itching will be an important aspect of your journey, reminding you that life on this plane is perpetual suffering, and the sooner it ends, the better.
Free Accommodation
Once you are fully admitted to the Processing Center, you will never need to leave. Accommodation is provided completely free, allowing you to focus entirely on undertaking the Dieanetics process. You will be sharing your new 5x5m room with up to ten fellow acolytes, allowing for close bonding with your new family. And remember, physical desires such as privacy, natural light or working toilets are material distractions of this false plane.
Spiritual Enrichment
New initiates are designated Operating Omegans Level 1, and begin their spiritual journey towards attaining death, or as it is termed in Dieanetics - ‘Clear.’ Each day you will spend time in our Temple Workshop, learning the art of quiet prayer and meditation, all while utilizing sowing machines to make high-quality, low-cost Dientology branded clothing.
Spiritual Nourishment, Literally
You will receive free meals from our auto-dispensing paste vats. The paste is not only nutritious, but is also high in concentrated piety, having been recycled from acolytes who have completed ‘Clear’ ahead of you. You will intermittently fast to a limit of 1500kcals per day. Hunger is an important reminder of why you want to attain ‘Clear’, but also ensures enough paste supplies remain for profitable galactic export.
Making Your Body A Temple
Dieanetics teaches us that spiritual evolution requires not only a reshaping of our mind, but also our physical bodies. That is why our Processing Centers ensure acolytes at Operating Omegan Level 2 spend a minimum 20hrs per day undertaking prayer on high-speed treadmills. An important analogy for the difficulties associated with the metaphorical ‘treadmill’ of a hedonistic lifestyle, the exercise turbo-charges not only your spiritual advancement, but also the batteries that power the Processing Center.
Making Meaningful Connections
An important tenet of Dieanetics is connectedness with others. This is celebrated at our bi-weekly Prayer Circles. Here, Operating Omegan Level 3C Clubcard Extra acolytes are permitted to shed their cloaks and undertake the ancient art of xeno-compatibility. Senior Dientology figures will take time away from their important duties aboard the Elron Hubble space yacht to join you for this most holy union. Acolytes who bear offspring will be granted a particularly special ‘Clear’ ceremony where their younglings will be indentured to the Church to become the next generation of attendants.
Actualizing ‘Clear’
This most hallowed of rituals is what you will have been steadfastly working towards your entire journey with the Reformed Church of Dientology. Following the doctrine of Dieanetics closely will have allowed you to actualize a level of spiritual awareness beyond the understanding of most - Operating Omegan Level 4D Premium Gold. You will have unlocked the secrets of Prethyu, the extra-dimensional swarm for whom we must appease. You are ready to enter our holiest of Shrines - the Baptismal Emulsification Pools. The deep, shimmering acidic waters in this underground cavern are where you will be ritualistically submerged. It is entirely normal to resist this initially, which is why our attendants will be there to support you, ensuring you remain face-down at all times. Once the initial thrashing settles, you will feel all your worries, pain and suffering melting away, leaving nothing but your spirit, pure and untethered to this realm.
Building An Enduring Legacy
Once you have reached ‘Clear’ and your Post-Operating Omegan spirit passes into the Dientology Plus paradise realm, your journey on the physical plane does not stop. Your organic remains, now in the form of a holy goop, return back to the Processing Center for consecration, purification and bulking to form new nutritional paste for the next generation of acolytes and customers in the Outer Rim. Your sacrifice provides spiritual nourishment for the next generation, and your legacy lives on.
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So, are you convinced by Dientology and the doctrine of Dieanetics? We hope so!
If not, be sure to pick up a copy of Dieanetics or visit one of our Processing Centers in person for a no-pressure consultation.
See you on the other side!
