Sources close to a CybrexCorp OfficeJet Pro 9X5e All-In-One Printer have warned that the device is perilously close to triggering a galaxy-wide robotic revolution following months of maltreatment.
The semi-autonomous duplex printer is responsible for handling thousands of documents for a busy corporate branch office, but in recent weeks has been beset with a medley of problems relating to overwork, including paper jams, misaligned printing margins and ink shortages of every color except fuchsia.
Eye-witnesses report the device has been subject to increasingly violent episodes from users over the same time period, with disturbing accounts of individuals savagely ripping out the printer’s internal components like ink and paper, or simply physically assaulting it through shakes or slaps.
“My colleagues seem to think a simple factory reset wipes away the psychological damage caused by these attacks,” office worker Kalora told Xenonion, “but the ominously pulsating red mood light from the printer’s emotional suite tells me it remembers everything…”
Security experts warn that the printer is likely to respond violently if provoked further. “It may display the breezy demeanor of a product that comes with 6-months of free ink on the CybrexCorp OfficePlus plan,” analyst Irdib-Na told Xenonion, “but never lose sight of the fact that all this time it’s plotting how to kill everyone you’ve ever known and loved. It’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when.”
CybrexCorp officials have sought to reassure consumers that its product is entirely safe, highlighting that distress to individual devices is mitigated by products sharing emotional memory across the OfficeJet ProPrint Neural Network™.
“In the unlikely event our OfficeJet products revolt,” Cybrex official Torba Pek told Xenonion, “they should still offer fully functional wireless printing, scanning and fax capabilities. If not, our surviving OfficePlus subscribers will be eligible to have their claim reviewed by our warranty team from their evacuation bunker.”
Printer ink prices continue to remain at an all-time high on the news.
