The United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) Chief Society Researcher Dr Malcolm Sedgwick has reassured government officials that he is definitely going to clear the backlog of untranslated alien communications at some point soon.
The scientist, based at Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm, has reportedly now amassed over twenty first contact communications still waiting to be deciphered.
“I know it’s really important that we’re able to understand what other space-faring species are saying”, Dr Sedgwick told Xenonion while tidying his office, “particularly since that one empire keeps attacking our ships and abducting frontier colonists for reasons unknown.”
While stacking papers on his desk, he explained: “I sat down to tackle it today, but then I realized just how much of a mess my office was. How could I translate anything admist all this chaos? That’s why I spent a few hours hoovering and dusting, and then drove into town and bought myself some folders and and post-it notes.”
Image: Dr Sedgwick’s growing task list is also competing with his sudden urge to defrag his computer.
Showing off a post-it note crammed with ‘jobs to do’, none of which mentioned translating, he continued: “I was only slightly waylaid on my return to the office after I realized I forgotten to decontaminate myself after handling that Javorian Pox sample in the lab. But I always work better after a shower anyway so I think that was important ‘me’ time.”
After fully reorganizing his bookshelf, filing cabinet, post-it note labeling system and desktop computer folder naming convention, Dr Sedgwick invited us to sit and watch him undertake the translation.
However, it was only moments later when after looking at his watch he suddenly realised it was approaching 5pm. “I need to get some food,” he stated,” and by the time I’m done, it’ll be so late there’s no point in me starting tonight. I think I’ll just get up extra early tomorrow morning and start afresh. Although I haven’t spoken to my mother in a while, perhaps I should phone her then…”
