Brain Slugs Seek Volunteers For Brain-Implant Trial

Recruitment has opened for a controversial new clinical trial which would see humans implanted with brain slugs.

The news follows approval from the UNE’s Food & Drug Administration (FDA) earlier this year.

Trial patients will have a slug placed deep within their mid-brain via an orifice of their choosing, and will be monitored to test the safety and functionality of the slug-host symbiosis.

Image: A brain slug drone unveils the specialist implantation device fitted with patented Worm Jar technology.

“We are extremely excited about this next chapter for humanity,” the brain slug collective stated in a press release issued today, adding “join us.”

The brain slugs have sought FDA approval four times, however previous bids were rejected due to safety concerns about side effects, including host death on attempted removal of implanted slugs.

The FDA states it was convinced to authorize the approval after its entire staff were offered a visit to an implantation center.

If clinical trials succeed, the brain slugs will require further regulatory approval prior to launching on the wider market. Xenonion understands that the slugs have already extended invites to the UNE’s Trade Commission and other government officials to tour their facility.

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High-Level Officials Freeze, Enter Collective Vegetative State After 27th Leader Hired

United Nations of Earth (UNE) Governor Roberto Bianconelli suddenly stopped speaking during a press conference this Friday afternoon, having become the latest high-ranking human official to enter into a vegetative state.

Bianconelli had been making his opening remarks to the UNE Congress on Earth, confirming that a new admiral had been appointed to the 5th Fleet, expanding the space-nation’s leader pool to 27.

Immediately after confirming the appointment, Bianconelli went silent. He remained unresponsive as he was escorted off-stage to polite applause.

Reports from across the UNE have confirmed all currently active human governors, scientists, admirals and generals have similarly been affected, with medical officials scrambling to explain the cause of this apparent mass catatonia.

Humanity’s Chief Researcher, Dr Cooper Johnson, was delivering a keynote speech aboard the Science Nexus while events were unfolding on Earth.

“One minute he was on stage talking about a breakthrough in Armor XVI research,” one anonymous conference attendee told Xenonion, “next he’s mumbling something about ‘leader capacity’ being exceeded while losing control of his bladder.”

An executive order, drafted by UNE President Dolores Muwanga’s staff, has called for the dismissal of the new admiral in the hope of restoring basic cognition to at least some of humanity’s leaders.

At the time of press Muwanga has reportedly not yet signed the paperwork, articulating to aides in broken English “reading…. hard” while gently drooling over the paperwork.

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UNExit: Fears Christmas Dinner Under Threat As UK Faces Feral Cat Shortage

Surviving inhabitants of what remains of the United Kingdom (UK) claim they have been unable to barter for essential food in the past two weeks, as the country’s supply chain woes continue.

Pictures of crumbling supermarkets showed empty shelves stripped bare of usual rations like soup fortified with sawdust and non-irradiated cockroach meal deals.

A survey of the few available literate consumers revealed that two thirds of shoppers were “very worried” about shortages of traditional feral cat carcasses in the run-up to Christmas.

“It’s the only time of year we eat any proper meat,” wasteland peasant John Smith told UNENN. “I don’t want to have to disappoint the kids again with another grub-based festive dinner.”

Image: Empty shelves are now a common sight in those supermarkets which remain structurally intact.

Industry warlords state the crisis has been driven by the UK’s decision to abruptly exit the planet’s supra-national political union, the United Nations of Earth (UNE).

The country’s two surviving government officials have dismissed this, stating the move was needed to conclude ‘UNExit’ after a 239-year delay in implementing the results of the contentious 2016 public referendum on the matter.

Officials have additionally called on the public to stop panic-bartering, pledging to issue temporary work visas to roaming bands of barbarians to ensure feral cat farms remain fully operational during the winter period.

The crisis is the latest in a series of supply chain issues now plaguing the remnants of the UK, which is also facing shortages of electricity, navigable roads and workers free from scurvy.

“I think this winter is going to be very tough indeed,” Smith concluded, “but feral cat roast or not, at least we have our sovereignty.”

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Scientist Promises to Get Round to Translating Growing Backlog of Alien Communications Sometime Soon

The United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) Chief Society Researcher Dr Malcolm Sedgwick has reassured government officials that he is definitely going to clear the backlog of untranslated alien communications at some point soon.

The scientist, based at Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm, has reportedly now amassed over twenty first contact communications still waiting to be deciphered.

“I know it’s really important that we’re able to understand what other space-faring species are saying”, Dr Sedgwick told Xenonion while tidying his office, “particularly since that one empire keeps attacking our ships and abducting frontier colonists for reasons unknown.”

While stacking papers on his desk, he explained: “I sat down to tackle it today, but then I realized just how much of a mess my office was. How could I translate anything admist all this chaos? That’s why I spent a few hours hoovering and dusting, and then drove into town and bought myself some folders and and post-it notes.”

Image: Dr Sedgwick’s growing task list is also competing with his sudden urge to defrag his computer.

Showing off a post-it note crammed with ‘jobs to do’, none of which mentioned translating, he continued: “I was only slightly waylaid on my return to the office after I realized I forgotten to decontaminate myself after handling that Javorian Pox sample in the lab. But I always work better after a shower anyway so I think that was important ‘me’ time.”

After fully reorganizing his bookshelf, filing cabinet, post-it note labeling system and desktop computer folder naming convention, Dr Sedgwick invited us to sit and watch him undertake the translation.

However, it was only moments later when after looking at his watch he suddenly realised it was approaching 5pm. “I need to get some food,” he stated,” and by the time I’m done, it’ll be so late there’s no point in me starting tonight. I think I’ll just get up extra early tomorrow morning and start afresh. Although I haven’t spoken to my mother in a while, perhaps I should phone her then…”

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Sol Transit Hub Just LaGuardia, But In Space

Construction on Sol’s new transit hub is nearing completion, with officials announcing that New York’s LaGuardia Airport has been successfully excavated and towed into Earth’s orbit.

Consistently voted the planet’s worst airport by passenger satisfaction, engineering officials were quick to identify its suitability for being moved into space.

“We had thought about building a brand new transit hub,” project engineer Brian Walker told local media, “but then came the realization that we already had a monolithic concrete and windowless structure right on our doorstep!”

Officials were also reportedly impressed by the airport’s ability to function at low oxygen levels, with passengers frequently crammed into small spaces far beyond recommended capacity for prolonged periods of time.

Walker continued: “It works out well for everyone. We get a free spaceport and New York gets a giant crater that’s tripled nearby land value since LaGuardia was gouged out.”

The airport has remained entirely operational throughout the move, with domestic flights continuing to experience delays of up to three weeks, and passengers reporting no noticeable differences in journeys.

Kelly Kuzina, an Ulm native attempting to travel home, told local media: “I suppose it’s a bit weird to hear we’re in space, but honestly my priority right now is sourcing sustenance. I’m running out of viable organs to pay for a food court meal deal.”

Mario Msibi, a check-in desk attendant, added: “I’ve found the move great. It’s so much quicker for me to get home from work now with the bimonthly planetary shuttle.”

LaGuardia is due to accept trans-galatic spaceflights from early next year. It is also hoped the hub will serve as a deterrent to any hostile aliens, with officials reminding neighboring species they can hurl LaGuardia at populated planets “any time they want.”

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UNE President Calls Commonwealth Leader 'Two-Faced Xeno Scum' at Summit

United Nations of Earth (UNE) President Jeffrey Rossario has called Sidney Beauclair "two-faced xeno scum" after a video emerged showing the Commonwealth of Man (CoM) leader appearing to mock him.

The pair had been attending the annual Space Treaty Organization (SPATO) summit, hosted on Earth’s capitol of Ulm.

Footage emerged showing Ms Beauclair in conversation with a number of other human dignitaries, including UNE sector governor Emilio Hermes, all of whom were seemingly unaware they were being recorded.

On discussing Mr Rossario’s late arrival to the summit, Ms Beauclair stated: “He was late because of another 40 minute press conference talking about building a Colossus and making xenos pay for it.”

Mr Hermes then told an anecdote about life without interstellar food transport, before returning to discussing Mr Rossario’s current SPATO proposals. An amused Ms Beauclair replied: “Oh yes. He talked about the Space Wall again. Did you see his Chief Engineer’s jaw drop to the floor?”

Image: Footage from the event was captured by a local news team on Earth, UNENNBBCCBC.

Mr Rossario, in response, cancelled a further thirty-five press conferences he had scheduled for later in the day, telling reporters: “I’d like to talk some more about the same thing I’ve been talking about for the last two years, but some of us seem to think I’ve done enough talking.”

He then launched into a diplomatic attack on Ms Beaclair, stating: “You know what? She’s two-faced xeno scum. I know, technically, we’re the same species. Technically. She’s attractive, I’ll even give her that. But the truth is, she’s behaving like a xeno. Not a human. A xeno. Humans love me. All of them. Humans don’t do this. She’s annoyed because my plans for the Colossus and Space Wall are going so well, and that perhaps, as a xeno, she’ll have to pay for it.”

Mr Rossario then went on to chastise the Commonwealth of Man’s contribution to the SPATO budget, which remains below the required 2% of annual GDP. He added: “Sidney is clearly just not happy that I’ve been calling her out on that. She’s not paying the 2% and she should be paying the 2%. I mean, I know they’re poor. Particularly after having to pay off all the copyright issues with that terrible rebrand. But they have some money. So she should be paying more than she’s paying.”

SPATO, a defence initiative aimed at promoting cooperation among disparate human space-nations, was established in 2251 following the loss of the human planet of Centaurus Prime to the Stellar Starfish Empire. It is comprised of the United Nations of Earth, Commonwealth of Man and several smaller one-planet minor jurisdictions including the Habsburg Autonomous Region and the TacoBell Neutral Zone.

It has had a turbulent history, in part owing to frosty longstanding UNE-Commonwealth diplomatic relations, and increasingly divergent member state ethos, leading to opposition to Mr Rossario’s proposal to build a SPATO-funded Colossus and Space Wall.

At the time of press, Mr Rossario has threatened to remove the United Nations of Earth from SPATO, stating: “We’ll make our own SPATO, with cooler species, like those Starfish. They would certainly be up for building another a Colossus.”

Meanwhile, Mr Rossario’s domestic agenda remains highly turbulent, as the UNE Congress continues its investigation into claims of corruption charges against him.

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UNExit: UK Request To Delay Leaving Earth For 472nd Time Approved

The United Nations of Earth (UNE) has approved the United Kingdom’s traditional biannual request to extend Article 50, setting February 2254 as the new deadline for what remains of the member state to leave the planet’s governing body.

The UK’s bid to leave the UNE, also known as UNExit, was originally scheduled to take place in 2019, three years after a highly contentious public referendum on the country’s continued membership within the political and economic union.

The process to negotiate a withdrawal agreement, now in its 236th year, has been plagued by repeated setbacks and delays. A deal was almost formalised in 2034, but collapsed after the country elected to nuke itself following overwhelming support for the option in a 38th ‘People’s Vote’ referendum.

The tattered remnants of the United Kingdom have remained deeply split between highly irradiated ‘Leave’ and ‘Remain’ voters, who have been unable to come to any form of consensus on how to achieve UNExit, other than agreeing to classify any remaining survivors north of the Midlands as sub-human.

The delay was requested last week by Prime Minister and Grand Supreme Wasteland Overlord Joris Bonson, which contradicts his earlier pledge to exit the planet by the end of October 2253 regardless of whether a withdrawal agreement was in place.

Bonson was spotted outside the melted ruins of the former Houses of Parliament in London this morning, but refused to speak to reporters, instead opting to club the bedraggled remains of a UNE flag with an excessively large stick.

The decision to grant the extension was taken by ambassadors representing the remaining functional UNE member states earlier this week in Earth’s capitol of Ulm. Speaking about the extension, UNE president Jeffrey Rossario stated: “Yep, sure, whatever.”

The delay means that the habitable areas of the UK will no longer crash out of the UNE without a deal, avoiding jeopardising the wasteland’s fragile economy, which is highly dependent on exporting scraps of meat and giant irradiated cockroach shells to the UNE.

Under the terms of the extension, the UK could still leave the UNE before February 2254 if the three surviving Members of Parliament (MPs) can approve a withdrawal agreement. Political pundits feel this is unlikely however, as to enact such legislation each MP would have to survive a trial by combat outside the newly constructed government hovel.

The delay also allows time for the country to hold a general election, in which non-mutants could be asked to vote for leadership candidates of their choice by undertaking blood rituals at the ruins of former polling stations.

So far, public opinion remains mixed on a UNExit delay, or indeed the prospect of an election. One undecided voter, Plerg, told reporters:

“I really don’t know what to think. What are we trying to leave again? All I can say is I love UNExit extension request day. It’s my favourite holiday, even after Crisismas or Easter 2: The Reckoning.”

With a potential election looming, a further UNExit delay raises difficult questions for the Bonson government, which has spent £3.50 (roughly 40% of the country’s GDP) on procuring fresh supplies of cat meat in anticipation of leaving the UNE without a withdrawal agreement.

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Area Hyperlane Potholes Getting Worse

Across local United Nations of Earth (UNE) space, 1.6 trillion hyperlane potholes have been reported by members of the public to local authorities, according to research carried out by Corvette-insurer SaveScum.

The company claimed the numbers highlight the “shocking condition of our crumbling hyperlane infrastructure.”

It obtained the data from 38 sector municipalities, including the central EarthGov authority, which is responsible for the condition of all hyperplanes across UNE space. Extrapolating this information, SaveScum believes hyperlane pothole reports have increased by over 9000% in the last year alone.

Hyperlane potholes are caused when engine reactor liquid from Corvettes leak into surface cracks on underlying hyperlanes, which in turn expands in freezing space temperatures. The cracks get bigger as more ships fly over them, damaging deeper structures and allowing circular space-time continuum rips to emerge. This can cause damaged shields, broken hulls and distorted passengers in commuters passing by. Hyperlane potholes are also particularly sensitive to inclement space weather, such as meteor showers or Tiyanki-induced solar winds.

”We were really driven to undertake this study because Corvette insurance premiums have skyrocketed,” SaveScum head of Corvette insurance policy, Ben Miller-Wilson, told UNENN. “We want to redirect customer anger elsewhere. And of course the damage suffered by commuters is a constant source of frustration and death.”

Area commuters have welcomed SaveScum’s research. Eden Prime resident George Glass told UNENN: “I can’t believe no-one has looked at this before, given the state of hyperlanes at the minute. My local hyperlane goes through Barnard’s Star and it’s been full of holes for a few years now. I don’t know how many letters I faxed to my governor’s office about it.”

A separate study undertaken by the Galactic Transit Authority (GTA) has found that one in every three hyperplanes across the UNE is in a poor condition, as the frequency of hyperlane resurfacing has declined. The GTA believes this a major contributory factor in worsening traffic in the cluster, with daily hyperlane commutes continuing to be extended by an average of four years. 

Emilio Hermes, governor of Eden Prime and the surrounding Gamma Sector, spoke to UNENN earlier today, stating: “The Gamma Sector is fixing hyperlane potholes every 0.25 seconds but we desperately need more funding. We have been calling on central government to invest in a much needed hyperlane surfacing edict, but all they seem to care about are research grants.”

Jeffrey Rosario, present of the United Nations of Earth declined our interview, but we were directed to his election pledge in 2249 on space infrastructure, in which he stated human space infrastructure repair would be a priority.

At the time of press, George Glass had reportedly become so fed up on waiting for a response from local government that he has taken to filling the hyperlane potholes with chunks of hyperlane stolen from the main thoroughfare into Commonwealth of Man space.

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Area Pop States Caged, Non-Communicative Primitive Fungoid Makes "Perfect" Husband

When Ulm native Yelena Ivanov split up with her partner of ten years, the 32 year old thought she would never find love again.

But she found love quicker than she ever expected, albeit in a more unconventional manner. Yelena is now happily married - to a primitive fungoid.

The former scientist states she's "never been happier" and is "fully devoted" to her genderless fungoid spouse, IIg.

Image: Yelena and her new caged beau, IIg.

"My previous marriage was tough,” Yelena told reporters. “My husband and I would come home from work and argue over something petty, like why planets can only have a maximum of 25 tiles. IIg is so different. He doesn't communicate, at least in any form that I can understand, so we don't argue. That's just one example why this relationship is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't care what other people say." 

Yelena met IIg a month ago while working aboard a United Nations of Earth (UNE) sponsored observation post above his homeworld of Vurl.

"It's actually quite a funny story,” Yelena continued. “I was tasked with aggressively observing this little stone age civilization of fungoids on Vurl - IIg was one of the first pops we covertly abducted for living autopsy. But just one look at his mycelium exterior and something stirred deep within me.”

Pointing at the cage she had installed in the couple’s home, she stated: “He - I mean, I think he's a he… was thrashing as I approached him and when I unshackled him he wrapped his flagella so tightly around my neck I almost passed out. It was very sensual. From that I knew the feelings were reciprocated and that we were in love."

Since returning to Earth, Yelena added that IIg had been a comfort to her following the loss of her job and ongoing arrest warrant issued by the UNE.

"My job was very important to me, but I knew IIg was my soulmate” she continued. “When I tried to convince my colleagues of this they wanted me to get a medbay evaluation. So I did what any reasonable person would do - I freed IIg and we absconded from the station using an emergency shuttle. When I got back to Earth border patrol told me I was under arrest and that I'd lost my job, but IIg did a great job in... incapacitating... them. We've been on the run ever since."

Image: Yelena described her previous husband as “opinionated” and “verbally communicative.”

Yelena stated that while IIg has settled a life off his homeworld, at first he had some trouble adjusting to Earth. "The first few days back were disorientating for him. He kept trying to run away from me for some reason. Well, not really run since he doesn't have legs, but kind of gyrate away from me, using this trail of slime as lubricant. He's settled down since I put a shock collar around him. It helps to remind him of his time on the observation post. He's been a huge support to me, really. Any time I approach him his tight flagella grips have kept me sane and helped me to manage my sadness and anxiety."

Last week Yelena decided to make the couple's love official and petitioned the Space Vatican to officiate their marriage. After her request was approved by Space Pope Belinda Carlisle XI, Yelena and IIg tied the knot in their safe house in Ulm two days ago.

The couple are now planning to relocate to the Asuri Republics to start a new life, as Yelena concluded; "Humans are not very understanding of our love. Xenophobes think it's disgusting. The only thing my family wants to know is about if we're intimate - which of course I'm not going to talk about, although as an aside I will say men definitely need to invest in multiple flagellum if you know what I mean... Anyway the Asuri are more xenophilic so they'll be more understanding of our love. Also, UNE arrest warrants don't have jurisdiction there, so that will be helpful."

Find out more about Yelena and IIg's amazing love story tomorrow morning on Xenonion's Good Morning Space.

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Unfortunate Area Admiral Graduates With Fleet Logistician Trait

Area resident Paul Bork has apologized to family, friends and tutors after discovering he graduated from Fleet Academy with the Fleet Logistician trait.

Speaking to a packed press conference of local reporters, Bork stated:

"I'd like to take this opportunity to say sorry to everyone I know. I'm sorry this has happened. If I could take it back, I would. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to still see me as a person. I also hope this event has not damaged the reputation of our proud Fleet Academy."

Image: Paul Bork graduates from Ulm Fleet Academy.

Bork graduated from his 5 year admiralty degree earlier this week, believing this signaled his longstanding career aspirations had finally been realized.

Tragically, during the graduation ceremony he received the fateful news that would alter the rest of his life. He recalled;

"It had started out such a happy day. There I was in my gown with my family, who were so proud. I'd worked so hard and was so pleased with myself. But after I got my degree I suddenly got this pop-up in my eyeStream - 'You have gained the Fleet Logistician trait.' I thought it was a joke at first. But then I looked at it properly. I panicked. I thought it was a mistake. How could this be happening?"

Traits are lifelong distinguishing qualities bestowed upon leaders, including admirals. They are assigned initially at random, but over time will follow with experience. Bork explained;

"I just wish I could have got the Aggressive or Gale-Speed Traits. Heck, even a Cautious trait would have been better. Who wants to be a Fleet Logistician? That doesn't even do anything to fleet power! Sure, they say it reduces the maintenance of fleets, but you're not exactly going to be building 500 cruisers if you can't afford to maintain them in the first place."

Bork initially tried to reach out to classmates and former teachers for help, but they reportedly shunned him for fear of contracting the trait.

It is highly unlikely the Fleet Academy will place Bork in a admiralty role, however they have recommended him to consider a career in sector governing.

Bork's father, Raymond, also spoke to local reporters at the press conference;

"I never thought I'd see the day when I spent 500,000 energy credits to put my son through a 5 year degree which would allow him to be a... sector governor."

The press conference was cut short as local reporters hurriedly left to cover the breaking news story of an area pop's happiness dropping by 1%.

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UNE Begins Work on Space Wall Megastructure Prototypes

UNE government contractors have started to build prototypes of President Jeffrey Rossario’s proposed border wall with space.

Building documents state that all eight of the living metal prototypes are to be on a similar scale to existing ringworld structures, and to span the entire length of the UNE’s border.

The Space Wall formed a core tenet of Rossario’s oft-fiery and tumultuous election campaign in 2249 against Karla Karling, wherein he pledged to harshly curb xeno migration.

Speaking at a political rally in Ulm this morning, Rossario told the audience;

“We have to do something about these xenos. There are too many. Too many. Look at the Blorg. They’re not sending us their best migrants. They’re sending Blorg that have lots of problems and they’re bringing these problems. They’re bringing Zro, they’re bringing unrest. Some, I assume are good Blorg. But most are not.

I tell you folks, the Space Wall will stop them. It’s going to be big, it’s going to be beautiful. The biggest and most beautiful megastructure you’ll ever see. We’ll have negative alien migration modifiers in the minus billions. Billions and billions in migration malus. It’s going to be great.”

Net xeno migration in to the UNE remains at a record high, bolstered by the recent influx of non-human refugees seeking safe haven from the ongoing Unbidden invasion of the Outer Rim.

Rossario’s ‘humanity first’ policy has remained highly controversial. His remarks have been panned by observers across the political spectrum, and have prompted fury from the Blorg ambassador on Earth who has demanded an apology from Rossario.

Despite this, his message appears to resonate strongly with human voters. This has been reflected in Rossario's rising approval ratings, which previously languished following several high profile scandals and ongoing corruption probes against his administration.

Image: Many of Rossario's political opponents, including faction leader Aimee Fleury, have spoken out against construction of the Space Wall.

The influential human Prosperity Faction has been especially critical of Rossario’s Space Wall plans. Leader Aimee Fleury shared her concerns with Xenonion News:

“This is one of the most insane proposals I’ve ever heard, to be honest. To start, it’s a wall… it’s… pardon me, I just can’t stop laughing… It’s a wall… in outer space. A wall in S-P-A-C-E… A WALL…IN—sorry. They’ll fly over it. Under it. They could jump drive over it. Not even that… this will ruin our economy. The average megastructure takes 20-40 years to build, and upwards of 100k minerals to finance. And this won’t return anything to the economy. He could build a Dyson sphere, but he wants a wall?”

Image: Rossario's supporters, such as hat maker Ronald Gump, are extremely keen to see the Space Wall constructed.

Rossario’s most ardent supporters, however, believe the Space Wall is the actualization of a long-held political fantasy, as human hat maker Ronald Gump told us;

“This is what we need! Keep xeno scum out of the UNE! Make Earth great again! Stupid liberal xenoflakes need to stop worrying about the cost of the wall - we’re going to make all neighbouring xenos, including that hostile Fallen Empire, pay for it."

UNE central government states it hopes wall prototype selection will be completed within the next five months.

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Eager Scientist Wouldn’t Be So Eager if She Knew She Would Be Assisting Research

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)

Enthusiastic scientist Iris Zheng is reportedly "overjoyed" after being selected to work for the United Nations of Earth (UNE) government this week.

The 27-year old meticulous archeologist graduated top of her class from the prestigious University of Ulm.

"I can't believe I'm saying it - I'm a UNE science officer!” Zheng told Xenonion. “I've had an interest in alien artifacts since as long as I can remember. And now, to think I'll be captaining my own science ship and exploring the universe, investigating anomalies and uncovering the mysteries of precusor civilizations. I'm so excited!"

Unbeknownst to Zheng however, the UNE has already explored most of its currently accessible space, and active science ships have been redirected to assist planetary research.

Image: Many scientists fear a career in assisting research.

"Assisting research is perhaps the most tedious thing a scientist can do,” Dr Brian Fisher, a UNE scientist told Xenonion. “You don't get the satisfaction of exploring and you don't get the credit for any technological breakthroughs. It's a bit of a career killer. Iris might seem keen now, but give it 3 months and we'll see how eager she is. And the best part? She can't retire!"

Zheng was unable to comment on the above as she had already been posted to her first mission, assisting research on a far-flung 8-tile human colony home to one basic science lab.

Commonwealth of Man Rebrands as ‘Imperium of Man’, Infringes Copyright

The increasingly isolationist and erratic human breakaway spacenation The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) has announced it is rebranding itself as the ‘Imperium of Man.’

Addressing an audience of indoctrinated subjects, self-styled ‘Empress’ Sidney Beauclair announced:

"The Commonwealth has bought glory and bounty upon us, but the name does not reflect our people’s destiny as the infinite masters of this galaxy. We must make it clear that we are humanity’s only true way forward, not the abhumans of the United Nations of Earth, twisted children who have lost their way from the righteous path. We are the Imperium of Man. A human interstellar empire that will span millennia … Also, the name just sounds super freaking cool, am I right?"

Image: Empress Beauclair unveils the Commonwealth’s kick-ass rebrand.

The CoM has long struggled to project an image of credibility in the galaxy due its permissive attitude towards slavery and purging, especially of xenos. However, since the rebrand, U-Poll metrics suggest the general public have a much more favourable response to these policies. SpaceTime magazine went as far to describe the name-change as “totally epic… Beauclair could literally destroy the galaxy and we’d be rooting for it.”

Despite this, the Galactic UN’s Bureau of Bureaucracy, which oversees all formal name changes, has warned that the CoM’s request to change its name may be delayed after they received an extra-dimensional cease and desist order from another, reportedly older Imperium of Man. The order read as follows:

"Congratulations on your humanoid species changing its name to the Imperium of Man. It does sound really cool. We should know, given we invented it. You know what’s not cool? When when you discover 205,101 other humanoid species in 105,101 parallel universes have also named themselves Imperium of Man. The High Lords of Terra, on behalf of our God-Emperor of the original Imperium of Man, demand the Commonwealth reverts to its original name. If it wishes to continue using our brand, copyright charges are billable to the Adeptus Terra Copyright Department."

At present the cost of the copyright infringement and legal fees are estimated to require the sacrifice of 20,000 female humanoid citizens into the Wantamis Black Hole, where the legal message originated from.

Empress Beauclair has yet to respond.

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Humanity Celebrates Fairly Inane Orbiting Event

A record number of 8.3 billion humans are set to celebrate a fairly inane orbiting event later today on Earth, the United Nations of Earth’s eponymous homeworld.

The locally termed ‘solar eclipse’ will see the orbit of Earth’s moon, Luna, line up directly between Earth and Sol, the system’s sun. Planetside, this gives the appearance of Sol being ‘blacked out’, dimming light momentarily.

Image: The eclipse as viewed from Earth’s capital, Ulm.

Regarded as a minor space weather anomaly by the majority of other space-faring nations, humans have anticipated the event with fervent hysteria, with many on Earth planning on actually venturing outside and staring directly into blinding light to watch a temporary visibility change.

The response from across the galaxy has been scathing. The UNE’s longstanding rivals, the Bak’nerg, issued this statement earlier:

“It’s worrying to see a species that has achieved FTL fawn over something most pre-FTL species wouldn’t even bother worshipping for a pantheon. Our galaxy literally has apocalyptic Unbidden invaders, giant laser beams, space dragons, and yet the humans are more excited about this.”

Human historian Dr. Harvey Henry Harvey hit back however, stating:

“The eclipse is culturally significant to us, and that should be respected. Granted, I can’t really tell you why it’s significant to us, other than it’s a bit odd to see it being dark when we expect it to be light, but there you go. Humanity is known to have longstanding pointless ritualistic events and behaviours, like shopping and capitalism in general. If we want to burn our own eyes by having a gawk at the galaxy, let us do so. And anyway, the other aliens shouldn’t judge, half of them look like giant d*cks.”

The criticism comes at a time when the UNE’s political reputation in the local cluster is particularly delicate, following a string of recent scandals involving its sitting president, Jeffrey Rossario. Notably despite this, Rossario's opinion polls have actually improved today following the introduction of a mandatory 15-day 'Solar Eclipse Public Holiday' for all UNE citizens.

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Major Delays Expected as Hyperlane Construction Begins

Interstellar traffic between United Nations of Earth (UNE) core worlds faces major disruption this weekend following the closure of eastbound and westbound routes between Sol and Alpha Centauri as construction begins on a new hyperlane expressway.

The project, approved in 2245, aims to reduce the daily commute between Sol and Alpha Centauri to less than six months, by completely demolishing Barnard’s Star.

Image: Diversions are now in place via Procyon.

The improvements, which are expected to take 35,000 years to complete, are the latest in a series of 500 trillion energy credit infrastructure investments aimed at cementing Earth's rising status as a center of galactic commerce and corruption.

The largely undeveloped Barnard’s Star has struggled to cope with high volumes of sublight traffic queuing at hyperlane exits and hybrid mining-service stations. However, conservationists have reacted angrily to the plans, warning construction would threaten both the natural habitat of endangered ancient mining drones and the gargantuan piles of floating rubbish which have been designated as culturally significant landmarks.

The Galactic Transit Authority (GTA) has dismissed these concerns, stating that although a similar conclusion was reached in its own environmental analysis, the results were immediately scrapped at the prospect of a mildly shorter commute.

Commuters are warned to expect significant delays, with diversions via the Procyon park-and-ride facility in place.

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UNE President Accidentally Uploads Mental State to Shroud

United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario has been left red-faced this evening after it emerged he accidentally uploaded his entire mental state to the Shroud, a mysterious psionic dimension believed to be capable of holding more than 400 zetabytes of information.

It's not clear when or how President Rossario's mental state was uploaded, with officials in Earth's capitol Ulm stressing that all government personnel are expressly ordered not to back up any mental information to the Shroud due to its insecure cortical firewall settings. A special project has been issued to attempt to remove the information from the Shroud, but it has so far been fruitless. Until the required technologies have been researched, all of Rossario’s thoughts will remain continuously accessible to anyone with psionic capabilities or a TeleShroud enabled fax machine.

Image: Rossario inside the UNE Congress chamber in Ulm, Earth.

UNE fleet admirals have expressed concern that the president's knowledge of sensitive military and political information now could be freely floating in psionic-space, where it may be accessed by the other empires of the galaxy.

This follows in the wake of a political scandal involving former UNE governor and outspoken xenophobe Emilio Hermes, who inadvertently uploaded explicit mental imagery of himself with Blorg model Mercedes Romero to the Shroud last month, to the horror of both the Blorg species and his wife. Whether other UNE officials are at risk of accidentally connecting their minds to the Shroud or not is still being investigated.

President Rossario has so far refused to comment regarding the above. However, our newsteam was able to obtain his most recent mental state from the Shroud tonight, in which his stream of thought read:

"This is really, really awkward. Like seriously. God. How did this happen? I really hope they can't see what I'm thinking right now. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts."

Image: President Rossario’s thoughts echo across the vast psychic dimension

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