Child Appointed UNE Core World Governor
NEWS | UNITED NATIONS OF EARTH (UNE) | 24.08.2259
In a surprise move that has baffled political analysts, three-year-old human toddler Timmy Griffith has become the youngest governor in galactic history.
Following a unanimous confirmation by the United Nations of Earth (UNE) senate in Ulm, Griffith now assumes governorship over Horizon, a key industrial world home to 4.8 billion pops.
Griffith, who spent most of his early career napping, holds advanced qualifications in finger painting. He has been hailed as a “gifted visionary” by UNE President Jeffrey Rossario, who added he had “an unparalleled ability to fit three entire building blocks into his mouth.”
Griffith has already begun introducing sweeping reforms, including extending bedtime hours planet-wide, unlimited iPad time for all citizens and elaborate plans to construct a dinosaur-shaped sandcastle visible from orbit.
Critics have also warned of Griffith’s relative inexperience compared to other UNE governors, such as Dr Alexa Chen (aged six) and admiral Elias Perez (aged eight).
During a recent address to Horizon’s planetary assembly, Griffith burst into tears after officials failed to locate his favorite sippy cup, before aides ushered him off stage, apologizing that he was “overly tired.”
Griffith was also appointed to lead the UNE’s peace delegation with longstanding rivals the Pasharti Absorbers, though talks quickly collapsed after Griffith repeatedly referred to his counterpart as a “big doo-doo head.”
Despite this, Griffith’s popularity remains high among Horizon’s residents. “The last governor had us working overtime,” metallurgist Jonas Pal told Xenonion. “If Griffith follows through on plans for giant fluffy blankies for all, he’s got my support.”
At the time of press, Griffith was seen proudly eating a crayon drawing of Horizon’s budgetary forecast, which one analyst described as an “apt and refreshingly honest representation of the planet’s financial state.”
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