Tomb World Stripped Of Official Resort Status

The tomb world of Desolas has been stripped of its official resort status after a Galactic Community committee concluded planned clean-up operations threatened the touristic appeal of the planet.

Announcing their decision yesterday, the Cultural Oversight Committee (COC) stated there had been a “serious deterioration” in the planet’s natural beauty after several gaia-seeding facilities had been built alongside historic acid beaches.

The move was described by Desolas’ governor as “incomprehensible.”

“Our planet has never been more appealing to tourists without pre-existing health conditions,” Emilio Hermes told Xenonion. “Being able to breathe while sunbathing on corrosive sand only enhances the experience. The gaia-seeders have also been designed to blend in seamlessly with the melted ruins of our architecture.”

Image: Atmospheric purifiers can be seen in the background of the pristine Restricted Beach 96349-L, kept so by the dangerously high levels of acid in the seawater.

Desolas was awarded resort status by the COC in 2254, and won TripInformant’s coveted ‘Best Destination’ the same year, when the planet was praised for its “outstandingly beautiful” irradiated wastelands, “breathtaking” atmospheric toxins and wonderfully diverse “grossly mutated flora and fauna.”

Recent statistics show almost 124 million tourists were maimed visiting the planet last year, with both visits and injuries up 150% since 2254.

Radioactive waste handling specialist Zorgogg said the decision “did not reflect what was happening on the ground,” adding “places like Desolas should not be faced with a binary choice of catering to tourists or extinguishing the eternal nuclear fire in the Omega Death Crater. Tourist will still come here, I’m sure of it.”

Desolas becomes the second planet to lose its resort status since the COC convened yesterday, alongside Relic World’s eponymously named theme park. Both are expected to formally lose their titles in the coming weeks.

The re-classification now leaves Prophet’s Retreat and Processing Hub 01 battling for TripInformant’s top destination for 2258.

---

Sol Transit Hub Just LaGuardia, But In Space

Construction on Sol’s new transit hub is nearing completion, with officials announcing that New York’s LaGuardia Airport has been successfully excavated and towed into Earth’s orbit.

Consistently voted the planet’s worst airport by passenger satisfaction, engineering officials were quick to identify its suitability for being moved into space.

“We had thought about building a brand new transit hub,” project engineer Brian Walker told local media, “but then came the realization that we already had a monolithic concrete and windowless structure right on our doorstep!”

Officials were also reportedly impressed by the airport’s ability to function at low oxygen levels, with passengers frequently crammed into small spaces far beyond recommended capacity for prolonged periods of time.

Walker continued: “It works out well for everyone. We get a free spaceport and New York gets a giant crater that’s tripled nearby land value since LaGuardia was gouged out.”

The airport has remained entirely operational throughout the move, with domestic flights continuing to experience delays of up to three weeks, and passengers reporting no noticeable differences in journeys.

Kelly Kuzina, an Ulm native attempting to travel home, told local media: “I suppose it’s a bit weird to hear we’re in space, but honestly my priority right now is sourcing sustenance. I’m running out of viable organs to pay for a food court meal deal.”

Mario Msibi, a check-in desk attendant, added: “I’ve found the move great. It’s so much quicker for me to get home from work now with the bimonthly planetary shuttle.”

LaGuardia is due to accept trans-galatic spaceflights from early next year. It is also hoped the hub will serve as a deterrent to any hostile aliens, with officials reminding neighboring species they can hurl LaGuardia at populated planets “any time they want.”

---

Desert Preference Pop Migrates to Arctic World, Just Because

Bracing against the biting windchill outside Noveria’s main spaceport, a visibly uncomfortable reptilian pop was spotted muttering to himself “this is fine.”

Eye-witnesses reported that Zurix, a thirty-five year old Geico, appeared ill-equipped for the planet’s sub-zero temperatures as he struggled to pull his luggage across the snowy terminal concourse in nothing but a thin black cloak.

The desert-preference pop had reportedly migrated from his homeworld of Arrakis only weeks before in search of a better life.

Appearing increasingly disorientated by worsening visibility as snowfall intensified, Zurix was spotted on a road near to the spaceport joking about the “nice weather” with a streetlamp which he had mistaken for a local pop.

The scene was reportedly awkward between the two, with Zurix embarrassed by the metallic structure’s prolonged silence. He rushed to fill the gap in conversation by blurting out: “OK, the weather’s not that nice. I didn’t realise it was like this, you know? I just moved here for work. I suppose all I cared about was getting a job, not whether my new home was hospitable.”

Image: Zurix attempts to make his way through the snow from Noveria’s spaceport.

Zurix’s medical records show that his species has minimal biological suitability for cold worlds, and although there was an abundance of more appropriate planets to emigrate to, he had chosen Noveria “just because.”

As the effects of prolonged hypothermia began to set in, Zurix was noted to be slurring his speech, continuing to talk at the streetlight: “Look miss… you’re pretty and all… and I appreciate your concern… but I’ll be fine… my sister migrated into a slaving empire… so this… this is fine.”

At the time of writing an increasingly unsteady Zurix had removed all his clothing and offered it to the streetlight for warmth, reassuring it he “loved the cold.”

---

Tomb World Resort Voted Top Holiday Destination

The tomb world of Desolas has been voted as the galaxy’s best destination for 2254 by TripInformant.

The travel guide aggregated responses from thousands of xenos who ranked holiday destinations based on accommodation, quality of food and drink, ease of travel and overall survivability.

Desolas was lauded for its “outstandingly beautiful” irradiated wastelands, “breath-taking” atmospheric toxins and “wonderfully diverse” ecosystem of grossly mutated and deeply disturbed flora and fauna.

The planet was designated a resort world two months ago after falling under the jurisdiction of the Kilik Cooperative, and a mere ten years since the planet’s now extinct original inhabitants destroyed themselves in a nuclear war.

The ravaged planet has since become an unstoppable tourism magnet, irradiating or maiming almost 2.3 million visitors last month alone.

TripInformant’s official guide describes: “Complete societal collapse and critical biosphere degradation may have dominated headlines in recent years, but one constant Desolas has seen since the burndown has been its timeless appeal to tourists: whether it’s staying in the crumbling remnants of a luxury hotel turned mass grave, to sampling the delicacies of the quaint and quirky cannibal farms of the badlands, there’s really something for everyone with a fully-functioning immune system here.”

Desolas beat out stiff competition from a number of other well established tourist hot-spots, including last year’s top destination, Saiiban Prime of the Saiiban Hive Mind. Other famous destinations failed to perform as expected, with the Tebrid Homolog’s Processing Hub 1 falling out of the rankings due to a limited response from any organics who visit there.

Image: Trip Informant’s Top 5 Holiday Destinations for 2254

Surviving visitors have been extremely positive about their experiences on Desolas.

Erik Blort, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull, told Xenonion: “It was so nice to see the rustic authenticity of brutally twisted and warped urban ruins, mixed in with the modern convenience of a two day supply of food rations and water purification tablets. We also spent some time by the shore - my wife and I spent many enjoyable hours tending to our burns from toxic kelp reef snorkeling.”

Becky Gellert, a human from Earth, added: “Oh my goodness, what a holiday! My absolute highlight was getting to pet those giant irradiated cockroaches. They were so cute, I’m just sad I ran out of fingers to boop their adorable little snoots.”

The shortlist for TripInformant’s Top 10 Penal Colony Winter Holiday Destinations is expected later this month.

---

Area Hyperlane Potholes Getting Worse

Across local United Nations of Earth (UNE) space, 1.6 trillion hyperlane potholes have been reported by members of the public to local authorities, according to research carried out by Corvette-insurer SaveScum.

The company claimed the numbers highlight the “shocking condition of our crumbling hyperlane infrastructure.”

It obtained the data from 38 sector municipalities, including the central EarthGov authority, which is responsible for the condition of all hyperplanes across UNE space. Extrapolating this information, SaveScum believes hyperlane pothole reports have increased by over 9000% in the last year alone.

Hyperlane potholes are caused when engine reactor liquid from Corvettes leak into surface cracks on underlying hyperlanes, which in turn expands in freezing space temperatures. The cracks get bigger as more ships fly over them, damaging deeper structures and allowing circular space-time continuum rips to emerge. This can cause damaged shields, broken hulls and distorted passengers in commuters passing by. Hyperlane potholes are also particularly sensitive to inclement space weather, such as meteor showers or Tiyanki-induced solar winds.

”We were really driven to undertake this study because Corvette insurance premiums have skyrocketed,” SaveScum head of Corvette insurance policy, Ben Miller-Wilson, told UNENN. “We want to redirect customer anger elsewhere. And of course the damage suffered by commuters is a constant source of frustration and death.”

Area commuters have welcomed SaveScum’s research. Eden Prime resident George Glass told UNENN: “I can’t believe no-one has looked at this before, given the state of hyperlanes at the minute. My local hyperlane goes through Barnard’s Star and it’s been full of holes for a few years now. I don’t know how many letters I faxed to my governor’s office about it.”

A separate study undertaken by the Galactic Transit Authority (GTA) has found that one in every three hyperplanes across the UNE is in a poor condition, as the frequency of hyperlane resurfacing has declined. The GTA believes this a major contributory factor in worsening traffic in the cluster, with daily hyperlane commutes continuing to be extended by an average of four years. 

Emilio Hermes, governor of Eden Prime and the surrounding Gamma Sector, spoke to UNENN earlier today, stating: “The Gamma Sector is fixing hyperlane potholes every 0.25 seconds but we desperately need more funding. We have been calling on central government to invest in a much needed hyperlane surfacing edict, but all they seem to care about are research grants.”

Jeffrey Rosario, present of the United Nations of Earth declined our interview, but we were directed to his election pledge in 2249 on space infrastructure, in which he stated human space infrastructure repair would be a priority.

At the time of press, George Glass had reportedly become so fed up on waiting for a response from local government that he has taken to filling the hyperlane potholes with chunks of hyperlane stolen from the main thoroughfare into Commonwealth of Man space.

---

Daily Hyperlane Commutes Extended by an Average of 4 Years, Survey Finds

New figures from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) show that almost 35.6 trillion galactic workers have had their daily commute extended by at least four years.

The survey of 1.8 million commuters was commissioned in the wake of the galaxy's universal switch to hyperlane transport last week. It found that:

• 98% of commuters are now using hyperlane transport, compared to 45% before, with the remainder using isolated forms of natural wormholes (1%), artificial gateways (0.7%) or jump drives (0.3%).

• Of those using hyperlane transport, average commute time increased by 2916%

• Those working in military, scientific or construction jobs were most likely to be affected

• 94% of those surveyed stated they would not be keen to travel a distance of more than one system in one commute

Image: Commuting times via hyperlanes have increased significantly - it's now common to see heavy build-ups of space traffic around hyperlane entrances and exits.

Snur Nursnur, space transport minister for the Ubaric TechnoUnion, has called on the Galactic UN to do more to prevent "excessive" transit times, telling Xenonion:

"This has been a direct result of the galaxy switching to hyperlanes, although the problem does not lie with the hyperlanes themselves. This is actually caused by new traffic restrictions on ships traveling within systems at sub-light speeds. We can't ignore this - while four yearly commutes are perfectly feasible in the short term, over time it may start affecting commuters' well-being, and will probably even have an impact on work efficiency too."

Lengthier commutes are now becoming an accepted part of many xenos' routines. Xirk Zenmar, a power plant worker from the Urseni Confederated Worlds, told Xenonion;

"I live on Urseni Prime, but I visit several power plants across our core worlds. Before I could commute with ease, but now I spend at least 3 years a day traveling by hyperlane. It's a mild inconvenience."

Other commuters are going to great lengths to avoid long journeys. Jane Smith, a Blorg scientist, told us her trick:

"I'm often sent on far-flung projects to the outer reaches of the galaxy. My commute can take a whole lifetime, and sometimes before I even get to my destination I'll get called back to my homeworld to investigate something inane. I've found the easiest way to get round this is to simply dismantle my science ship, and somehow I auto-teleport back to Blorg Prime. I'm really not sure how this process works, but it's great and I can't fathom why it's not been introduced everywhere."

The Galactic UN has yet to comment on the survey from the GtFO.

Upheaval as Galaxy Prepares to Universally Adopt Hyperlane Transport

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

The Galactic UN has issued a bulletin reminding the stellar expanse that 'Hyperlane Switch Day' on February 22nd is approaching.

The date is when the galaxy is set to formally adopt hyperlanes as the primary mode of interstellar transport, and is expected to trigger major upheaval as empires reconsider how they view transit, political influence and warfare.

The switch has been in development for a number of months and is hoped to be a definitive solution to the galaxy's crumbling transport infrastructure, as Galactic UN spokesperson Mn'O'Rel told our newsteam;

"We are no longer the transit envy of the multiverse. Over time, the number of empires, ships and fleets in our galaxy has expanded exponentially, but transport options have not. Hyperlane routes are clogged. Wormhole stations are in disrepair. Warp drives are contributing to galactic warming. And we couldn't invest in any of them properly as our resources were being split among all of them. We needed to do something radical to solve our transport woes. Our first idea - planet destroying superweapons - was stolen by the Galactic Security Council, so our next plan was to pick one form of transport and just dump all of our resources into it."

Image: The Galactic UN has begun distributing leaflets in preparation for the universal switch to hyperlanes.

As per the Galactic UN's 3,477-page report on interstellar transport, 'So You've Got Nothing Else to Read', hyperlanes were chosen as they offered speedy point-to-point access, energy-free maintenance and natural chokeholds giving perfect locations to build space-tolls.

Warp drives were also seriously considered for universal adoption, but discounted after the Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) discovered compelling evidence that prolonged use can lead to long term health problems, including Genital Warps in organic species, and data corruption in synthetics.

Image: The view most galactic transport users will likely experience when they engage their FTL

Artificial wormhole stations will be dismantled, although pre-existing natural wormhole routes will remain operational.

Other more advanced forms of transport, including Jump Drives and Psi-Drives, will remain available to technologically advanced nations, but use will now be taxed directly to the Galactic UN's Department of Licensing for Conveyance (DLC).

The Council of Overseers, a loose association of militarist empires, have long called for the abolition of non-hyperlane transit. Avian spokesperson C’luck told our newsdesk:

“We have been pushing for this since the collapse of the previous Galactic UN. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have a near-invulnerable hyperlane fleet but not actually get to use it on invading a smaller neighbour because you have to spend your whole time chasing their six wormhole-enabled corvettes around the local cluster? Or when you perfectly position a defensive platform in what's clearly the only hyperlane entrance to your empire, just for some warp-drive whippersnapper to whizz around it?”

Critics have argued militarist empires have pushed for hyperlane-only transit to provide a more suitable galactic terrain for warfare. Guff, leader of a one-planet spacenation with six wormhole enabled corvettes told us:

“Lols the Overseers are just rage quitting because we wormhole jumped one system over their fleet and destroyed a colony ship.”

The Galactic UN were unable to be reached to give a comment on the situation. We think. We didn’t try.

> More accurate reporting from Siitharian Collective Drone 96 could not be possible.
> More accurate editing from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.  

Major Delays Expected as Hyperlane Construction Begins

Interstellar traffic between United Nations of Earth (UNE) core worlds faces major disruption this weekend following the closure of eastbound and westbound routes between Sol and Alpha Centauri as construction begins on a new hyperlane expressway.

The project, approved in 2245, aims to reduce the daily commute between Sol and Alpha Centauri to less than six months, by completely demolishing Barnard’s Star.

Image: Diversions are now in place via Procyon.

The improvements, which are expected to take 35,000 years to complete, are the latest in a series of 500 trillion energy credit infrastructure investments aimed at cementing Earth's rising status as a center of galactic commerce and corruption.

The largely undeveloped Barnard’s Star has struggled to cope with high volumes of sublight traffic queuing at hyperlane exits and hybrid mining-service stations. However, conservationists have reacted angrily to the plans, warning construction would threaten both the natural habitat of endangered ancient mining drones and the gargantuan piles of floating rubbish which have been designated as culturally significant landmarks.

The Galactic Transit Authority (GTA) has dismissed these concerns, stating that although a similar conclusion was reached in its own environmental analysis, the results were immediately scrapped at the prospect of a mildly shorter commute.

Commuters are warned to expect significant delays, with diversions via the Procyon park-and-ride facility in place.

RIGHT NOW

Watch Live: The latest space traffic news, via Xenonion’s Traffic Sentry Array.

SPONSORED