Increasing Work Demands Contributing To Fanatic Purifier Burnout

The galaxy’s fanatic purifiers are at increasingly high risk of burnout due to intense and unsustainable working conditions, the Trade Union for Fanatic Purifiers (TUFP) has warned.

In a survey of nearly two million members, TUFP found that 60% felt completely exhausted at the end of a normal working day of purging, and nearly 75% reported that purging had become less enjoyable due to the volume of workload.

The report highlights that levels of purifier burnout have been on the rise for more than a decade, and are now at an all-time high.

The TUFP blames several factors for increased purge intensity, including rapid rates of xeno species growth, xeno-compatibility and competition from automated Driven Exterminators who use more efficient but “joyless” technologies.

“This should be a warning to the galaxy that some of our most respected and industrious professionals are being pushed to the brink because of their job,” TUFP representative Vornix The Flayer told Xenonion. “For years this vital public service has been running entirely on purifier goodwill, and we’re now seeing that it’s just no longer sustainable.”

Frontline purification workers have echoed Vornix’s statement. “The general public are just oblivious to the pressures we are under,” processing plant coordinator Darthragg told Xenonion. “Everyone that I know that works in purging is looking for alternate careers. Just last week we had three colleagues poached and assimilated into a hivemind. And you know what? I’m jealous. Imagine how stress-free they’ll be thinking about absolutely nothing.”

The TUFP reports that unless the Galactic Community acts, it will be balloting members as early as next month on holding an indefinite general strike on purging.

The Galactic Community’s Worker Rights Committee (WRC) states it will address the TUFP’s concerns “as a priority,” but has warned its own service is also struggling with workload intensity due to nearly 50% of its workforce being lost in a recent purge.

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Area Planet Contracts Humans

The planet of Terra Nova has tested positive for humans, health officials have confirmed this Thursday.

The planet, which received the result following an updated census, is currently being monitored.

The Galactic Health Organization (GHO) has said that preliminary analysis points towards the planet contracting humans from a colony ship.

“Terra Nova has likely had a latent human infestation for some time,” epidemiologist Zorg told Xenonion. “The initial stages of colonization tend to be asymptomatic - human load is typically only detectable around the time Taco Bell branches start opening.”

Humans are usually transmitted through spaceborne shipping vectors, and are particularly adept at bypassing planetary defense mechanisms like poor habitability. Once established, characteristic pathological features of intensive agriculture, urbanization and industrialization usually follow.

Area officials state Terra Nova is suffering from a low-grade climactic fever associated with human carbon emissions, but was otherwise “clinically stable.”

“We are keeping the planet under observation as a precaution,” Zorg continued. “Although its current illness is mild, the disease process is usually progressive and irreversible - humans are skilled at causing multi-ecosystem collapse in their hosts.”

A total of 360 planets have now been diagnosed with humans across the cluster, prompting mandatory testing in neighboring regions.

The GHO states it is helping to coordinate a pan-galactic response, including distributing 15 billion doses of Javorian Pox to affected planets.

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Area Fungoid Works Surprisingly Well On Toast

Following a serendipitous mix-up of condiments with the flagella of a Blorg research aide, scientists have confirmed this Sunday that the fungoid species is not only edible, but could also form a key part of a balanced breakfast.

The discovery was made by human xenobiologist Dr. Oetker while in his research lab’s canteen early this morning.

“I was hungry and in a rush to get down to the lab,” he explained to Xenonion, “so one of my Blorg assistants handed me a piece of toast. It was all too late when I realised I’d chomped down not only on the toast, but also on my colleague.”

Dr. Oetker reported that the shock of accidentally consuming one of his own staff quickly wore off after he was enchanted by rich and textured taste of the panicking aide.

Further analysis was undertaken when what remained of the Blorg was offered out to the wider canteen. It was then uncovered that the nutritionally-dense species was particularly amenable to being melted down into an easily spreadable fungoid butter.

Xenonion was able to secure an exclusive interview with a serving of the Blorg, however it declined to comment, instead opting to remain silent as it slowly melted into a mouth-watering slice of freshly baked sourdough bread.

Representatives from the pan-galactic food conglomerate OmniFarm have expressed an interest in securing rights to the product, with a spokes-xeno telling Xenonion: “Soylent Blorg may just be the best thing since Grey Goo coffee!”

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Area Empire Self-Conscious About Diplomatic Weight After Binge Integration

Officials from the Hazbuzan Syndicate stated this Monday that they are becoming increasingly self-conscious about the space-nation’s ballooning diplomatic weight.

Sources close to the Syndicate state feelings of insecurity intensified following a year-long integration binge of multiple population-dense protectorates.

“I just know everyone is looking at us when we enter the Galactic Community,” Interior Minister Dorbax told Xenonion, “we just want to exercise our diplomatic power without judgement.”

Image: The Hazbuzan first became aware of the issue through an educational poster.

Dorbax stated following the integration, government officials felt so guilty they considered spinning off the newly absorbed territory into vassal states, but wavered over concerns they would simply be re-integrated again.

Experts have warned the Hazbuzan’s rapidly growing diplomatic weight is unhealthy, and likely to lead to serious longer term issues such as hyper-administrativeaemia or hyper-extension.

At the time of press the Syndicate states it is optimistic it will be able to achieve rapid diplomatic weight loss with a new catabolic program based entirely on planet crackers.

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Devouring Swarm Touts Health Benefits of Vegan Diet

The Gorothi Swarm announced today that it is permanently switching to a vegan diet, citing the “irrefutable” health benefits of only consuming sapient plantoids.

Posting to social media, the 300-year old Hive Mind stated its drones have “never looked or felt better” since it stopped consuming other species last month.

“We were so used to tearing apart anything that screamed,” the Hive Mind told Xenonion, “that we never stopped to think about what the impact of devouring yet another fully conscious mammalian whole could have on our health.”

The Hive Mind went on to describe how inspiration came whilst flaying reptilians from a local science directorate: “Those lizards saw just how many drones were dropping from heart attacks, and told us something needed to change. It was only after we’d compressed them into a calorie-dense triple-burger that we realised they were right.”

Image: Semi-autonomous Gorothi drone Raxor The Flayer recently appeared on Good Morning Space speaking about the merits of veganism.

The Hive Mind stated it had researched a number of nutritional plans, but was swayed by recent studies from the Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) confirming that a plantoid-heavy diet was associated with longer life expectancy and reduced cardiovascular morbidity.

“We can’t say we miss our old diet,” the Hive Mind continued. “The plantoids we consume are still fully aware they’re being devoured, so eating is as fun as ever. Also, with some, the texture is indistinguishable from the satisfying crunch of breaking through a still-squirming molluscoid shell.”

Neighbouring non-plantoid species have expressed their disappointment at the Gorothi announcement. Mammalian Ro-Va Tek told Xenonion: “I never thought I’d say this, but I actually kinda wish they went back to trying to eat us. Their new ‘holier than thou’ attitude about food is unbearable.”

The Hive Mind remains optimistic it will stick closely to its new diet, although joked if a xeno sanctuary was uncovered it would “have to strongly consider the possibility of a cheat day.”

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New Study Finds Atmospheric Hallucinogens Super Rad

A recent study has confirmed that atmospheric hallucinogens found on the newly colonized planet of Trippa are “super rad” and “totally chillaxing.”

The planet, settled by the Sutherian Empire last month, was investigated by scientists after a number of colonists began to display erratic behaviours, including increased productivity and appearing enthused while at work.

The researchers, whose findings were published in the paper ‘Gas X: A Novel Atmospheric Hallucinogen Th – Dude Did You Just See That Huge Spider-Cat Thing!?’, concluded that the air on Trippa has naturally occurring psychedelic properties which can cause mood dysregulation and perceptual abnormalities.

Image: The study was published this week in the prestigious Reddit Journal of Science.

Dr Indibaran, one of the paper’s lead authors who extensively sampled the atmosphere, compared its effects to that of stimulant medication. Speaking at a scientific conference on Trippa earlier today, he described the gas as "delicious, just like flesh” before yelling incoherently: “ALL ABOARD THE SPIDER-CAT BUS!”

Officials within the Sutherian government have expressed concern at the potential risks of long term exposure to the substance, however Dr Indibaran has challenged this. Speaking to Xenonion earlier today via video-link, he stated while repeatedly licking his lips: “Everyone would be so chill if they just tried some Trippa air.” He added that his team had noted some adverse effects like hypersalivation, nights terrors and cardiac arrest, however stated: “for reals, this shit is totally worth it.”

Local pops on Trippa seem to agree, with Sector Governor Bemalon telling Xenonion the air was “yeaahhhhhh [sic]”, before catching sight of himself in a mirror and then hysterically screaming that his face had gone missing.

Insider reports suggest that Sutherian officials remain opposed to leaving the gas in situ, and may move to filter the hallucinogen as soon as a viable method for extracting, shipping and selling it for profit becomes available.

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Dentists Warn Lithoid Diet Causing "Dental Crisis"

Dental procedures to fix damaged or eroded teeth have reached record rates, in what dentists are calling “the costly scourge of eating rocks.”

New figures released by the Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) highlight that 25% of all Devouring Swarm pops, regardless of species, have dental issues directly linked to the consumption of Lithoid species.

“These figures are a stark reminder of the damage we can do to our teeth by crunching on solid rock,” human dentist Dr Cole Gates told Xenonion. He continued: “Worse still, because Lithoids are often eaten alive, we’re seeing some really bad facial trauma from when they resist snack time.”

In addition to dental breaks and enamel erosion, ingestion of Lithoids has been linked to a number of gastro-intenstinal problems, such as pebble bloat, di-ore-rrhea and rockstipation.

Dr Gates, a longstanding health campaigner on the issue, said he found the trends “alarming,” adding: “The statistics speak for themselves. We are failing the health of our Devouring Swarms.”

The Public Institute for Space Health recently introduced a dental health initiative encouraging at-risk species to switch to a Plantoid-based diet, however its success has been stymied by resistance from Plantoids.

Dr Gates stated the initiative “didn’t go far enough.” Working alongside the powerful Dental Faction, he has produced a series of educational posters to try and raise awareness around the issue. Speaking about his hopes for the future, he stated: “We need to empower Devouring Swarms to make smart dietary choices. That, and invest as much energy as we can in trying to figure out how to make Plantoids taste better.”

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Refinery World Governor Addresses Air Pollution by Hiring More Entertainers

Hask’Birim, the Tzynn governor of Na’Garu, announced a new plan today to expand her planet’s entertainment infrastructure to address citizens’ complaints about the planet’s air pollution, rated second worst in the galaxy according to the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO).

“Citizens, we have heard your complaints!” Hask’Birim told Xenonion earlier today. “You have Too few amenities! Well, worry no longer - in the next fiscal year, we plan to upgrade our Holo Theaters into all-encompassing Hyper Entertainment Forums, to keep the ungrateful masses content- I mean, to keep the citizens healthy and happy.”

The new plan would cost 500 minerals and 50 exotic gases, while creating several high paying entertainer jobs, such as artists, musicians, retail workers, and video game developers.

“It’s a sound decision. It turns out entertainers are twice as efficient as medical workers at producing amenities.” Tzynn economist Hask’Valgam Mezak told Xenonion. “Plus, it means they can relocate unemployed upper class members, like the university professors who got laid off on Pan’Dassak, into these upper class entertainment jobs without a happiness penalty.”

A local pop on Na’Garu, Torba’Murok, who works in a chemical factory, spoke of his difficulties to Xenonion: “There are no hospitals on the planet, so I can’t get any treatment for my allergies, asthma, bronchitis, and lung cancer. In fact, my entire extended family has allergies, asthma, bronchitis, and lung cancer. Actually wait, do I know anyone that doesn’t have them?”

Despite his health issues and decreased life expectancy, Torba’Murok also stated that he was excited for the new entertainment facilities currently breaking ground in his neighborhood. He added, while violently coughing up blood; “Going out to see Air-man movies is a welcome escape from breathing in carcinogens all the time. Have you heard of it? So the idea is that Air-man inhales radioactive air and gains the powers of air pollution, it’s pretty original.”

Governor Hask’Birim was last seen heading toward the neighboring Pelisimus Caretakers, which has universal healthcare and fully upgraded hospitals, to treat her allergies, asthma, bronchitis, and lung cancer.

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Contamination Concern Prompts Sapient Species Meat Recall

The Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) has warned devouring swarms and xeno-eaters not to consume any Yondarim meat due to contamination concerns.

The announcement came hours after the Galactic Food Standards Agency (GFSA) confirmed that it had found classified 'pathogenic particles' in the meat, and ordered an urgent recall.

Yondarim meat is processed exclusively by the Zortax Hive, the galaxy's largest provider of sentient meat.

Image: A Zortax Hive supervisor oversees Yondarim meat production at one of their main processing facilities.

The delicacy is particularly popular among devouring swarms due to its taste and high levels of nutrition, however over the last 2 weeks the meat has been linked to upwards of 3.5 million cases of gut rot, 50% of which have culminated in death.

“There’s something very wrong with the Yondarim meat being produced by the Zortax Hive,” Chalgax Vippum, chief of the GFSA's inspection division, told Xenonion. “While I can't go into any more detail, particles have been found in the meat that are making consumers extremely ill. Our inquiry is ongoing but we know the Zortax have extremely strict food safety standards so we believe it is unlikely this issue has arisen from their production line."

The GFSA are believed to be following a lead that the meat may have been intentionally poisoned as a means to halt Yondarim processing.

Image: The Galactic Food Standards Authority have released an urgent food recall for all Yondarim meat best before May 2252.

“The idea of methodically being processed to be eaten by neighbouring empires has been psychologically quite difficult for our species to adapt to,” Glugub Bnorr, an official representative of the Kingdom of Yondarim told Xenonion: “But no, we're definitely not telling our citizens to dose themselves carefully with dark matter to allow it to accrue in muscle tissue and cause food poising to anybody that eats it. Why would you suggest that? Oh, wait... you didn't?"

The GFSA has launched a formal investigation into the Kingdom of Yondarim's role in the meat scandal, and has warned if the empire is complicit in making its own people unfit to be eaten it could face stiff charges from the Galactic Community's Supreme Court.

Vippum went on to state: "I know it’s not pleasant having your culture and society systemically wiped out, but that doesn't mean you can flaunt food safety regulations just because you don’t want to be eaten.”

The Zortax Hive states it is "at one" with the GFSA's investigation and is complying with orders to stop Yondarim meat production and recall all active shipments.

A joint statement by the GFSA and PISH has advised all xeno eaters to immediately stop cooking Yondarim products and return them to the point of purchase for a full refund.

Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) for Zortax, and its largest corporate customer TacoBell, have fallen on the news.

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Javorian Pox: What Is It and Should We Be Worried?

The Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) has announced it is monitoring a “minor” outbreak of Javorian Pox in the Thelmar Union region.

With the death toll now surpassing over 500 million, Public Health Officials have urged xenos to remain “vigilant” for the infection.

So how worried should we be? Here’s everything you need to know:

What is Javorian Pox?

Javorian Pox is a highly transmissible infection caused by the bacterium Wingardium Leviosa.

Little information is known about the pathogen, as it was only detected this month on Thelmar’s homeworld of Khersonia.

The first cluster of cases was identified about the TSS Rnaught, a Thelmar science ship which had recently returned from an expedition to the relic world of Irassia, former home of the precursor Irassian Concordat.

While the exact origin of the Pox is unknown, initial analyses suggest it is over four thousand years old, making it the second oldest infectious disease in the galaxy after Lurgy.

What are the symptoms?

Pox symptoms are rapid, unpredictable and highly variable between species, however a number of common features are noted across all organic populations:

• Unexpected swelling

• Ruptured nodules

• Corrugated ankles

• Discrete itching

• Gastric ejections

• Heaped piles

• Kidney beans

• Slack tongue

• Gut rot

Individuals affected can expect to see global health attributes reduced significantly, including fertility and sex appeal.

What’s the mortality?

Exact figures on mortality are not currently clear, although initial reports from Thelmar suggest there is a 1-2% percent chance of recovery with early hospitalization.

PISH has been cautious to warn that infection may have “adverse effects” on organic physiology.

Who’s at risk?

At risk demographics are believed to be similar for other illnesses, such as Lurgy and Saturday Night Fever. These include xenos who are:

• Aged >300

• Gestating / egg-laying

• Predisposed with fleeting or weak traits

PISH has recommended any xenos falling into the above categories should contact their local healthcare provider at their nearest convenience.

Image: Public Institute of Space Health Director Dr. Snugglesworth, pictured earlier today droning on and on about boring science stuff.

How does it spread?

Javorian Pox is spread through close contact, likely bodily fluid or aerosol droplet.

It appears to be highly transmissible, as xenos affected can shed the pathogen while remaining asymptomatic for up to three weeks.

Due to this, lubricated species such as the flagella-laden Blorg are suspected to be high-risk for ‘super-spreading’ the disease.

Is it worse than other types of Pox?

The galaxy has a number of Pox-types circulating at this time of year, consisting of both viruses and bacteria.

However, it is unusual for Pox to spread in developed space, as outbreaks tend to be limited to pre-FTL feudal societies.

How is it treated?

Existing forms of Pox are often easily cured through basic treatments, such as not going outside and Jelly Vat Electrolysis.

At present there is no known effective treatment for Javorian Pox.

Image: A xeno suspected of having Javorian Pox receives urgent treatment at Thelmar’s St. Frontier Hospital.

How bad is the situation in the Thelmar Union?

This winter outbreak has been one of the worst the space-nation has seen in some years, with almost 5.6 billion confirmed infected and 503 million dead across 15 worlds.

Hospital admission data is currently unavailable, as they have stopped responding to information requests following the complete collapse of civil law on Thelmar core worlds.

Similarly, information from Thelmar’s immediate neighbours, a number of small protectorates, is also limited. This in part appears driven by the current independence wars underway, as they desperately try to close their borders to the floods of refugees streaming out of Thelmar.

So what should I do?

At present PISH is recommending galactic organisms “continue life as normal.”

It is advising a number of space-nations to adopt ‘watch and wait’ policies, cautioning against “over-reaction.”

At present travel advice to the Thelmar Union remains unchanged, with no restrictions and a simple ‘be aware’ warning for travelers.

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Synthetic Zro Misuse Reaching 'Epidemic' Levels

Hyperion, Hyperion System, Ubaric TechnoUnion

The Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) issued a stark warning that the galaxy is "fighting a losing battle" against Zro dust addiction, after it emerged synthetics are beginning to turn to an even more potent modified version of the drug, 'mZro'.

Image: A synth on Hyperion intoxicated with modified Zro (mZro), actively trying to communicate with a digital hallucination.

Misuse of the highly addictive aerosol has skyrocketed over the last decade, with almost 6% of the galactic organic population believed to have some form of dependence.

Discovered by chance on the tropical planet Ket in 2210, Zro dust was found to be a highly potent psionic stimulant with strong analgesic properties. It was refined and marketed as a prescription performance enhancer by numerous pharamaceutical companies, but in 2211 was withdrawn from market after it was found to be highly addictive and fatal in overdose. It was subsequently outlawed and declared illegal by numerous spacenations in 2212. This did little to stop its spread however, and sales flourished in underground black marketplaces like the notorious 'Paradox Plaza' and 'Steam Workshop'.

In its prescription years Zro misuse had been exclusively limited to organics, however as it was traded on the black market it was adapted to interface with mechanical augments of cyborg enhanced organics to provide an even more vivid 'electric high'. An unintentional side effect of this adaptation was that the newer version of Zro also affected robots, resulting in a dramatic upsurge of use in synthetics of all classes, ranging from drone workers to primitive AIs. Initial analysis shows modified 'mZro' to be almost fifty times more potent - meaning the chances of addiction and permanent damage are much higher in synthetics.

Hyperion, homeworld of the galaxy's largest producer of synthetics CybrexCorp, has been hit particularly hard, with almost 300 new cases of synthetic mZro overdose being recorded daily. Affected synthetics have been observed to refuse to work in their designated tiles, instead lying on streets actively intoxicated, or peddling for credits to allow further purchase of mZro.

Synthetic use of mZro has prompted concern from pro-organics, who have questioned how synthetics can act outwith their operating protocols. CEO of Nax Golsrig tried to explain: 

"Our synthetics are very early in their 'lives'. Like teenagers of all species, they are trying out new things. Rebelling. Well, ok, no, not rebelling, that's maybe the wrong word to use. Molloscoid teenagers eat their peers, human teenagers drink disgusting fermented rotting fruit drinks, and synthetics dabble in mZro. Our robots have a great capacity to learn, and this is how they're choosing to exercise that."

Both Golsrig and PISH have refused to be drawn into debate onto whether afflicted synthetics should be disassembled.

PISH has declared Zro a "public health emergency" and has requested extra funding from the Galactic UN.

> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Taco Bell Launches Controversial New XenoWrap

Taco Bell, a human chain of fine-dining restaurants, has stirred controversy across the local cluster after announcing plans to serve sentient species in its updated gourmet menu.

Launching the contemporary cuisine from a press conference aboard Taco Bell's corporate space station, ISS Mexcellent, CEO Jale Peneo stated:

"Taco Bell has always been at the forefront of pushing the boundaries of our collective tastebuds.

You only have to look at our innovative history to see that - in 2100 we had the award-winning 7-Layer Domestic Cat Taco©. In 2150 we had the universally loved Double Opium Crunchwrap©. 

However, today marks the launch of a game changer.

Taco Bell is taking pan-galactic flavours to the next level with our Xenowrap© range- including the Chili Con Cutie©, Soylent Taco© and the highly anticipated Roasted Pre-Sent© .

Xenos have enthralled us since we discovered FTL. We've talked to them, traded with them, heck even waged war with them -- but have we ever really eaten them? Not until now!"

Image: Taco Bell’s latest advertisement displaying the newest additions to its menu.

Taco Bell has already identified several planets in the neutral zone to begin domesticating and harvesting sentient and pre-sentient native species for mass consumption. Industry experts suspect pre-industrial species who cannot read or write, and thus sign disclosure forms, will be targeted.

The decision seems to be largely related to the Galactic UN passing the 'Unity resolution', which has enshrined the rights of omnivores to eat other species, if they are deemed delicious enough.

Xenophiles from across the galaxy have decried Taco Bell's new menu as "abhorrent" and "really overpriced."

Garden worlds such as New Eden and Horizon have also lobbied UNE central government to block the menu, due to fears that a shift towards so-call 'xenomnivorism' could damage their traditional genetically modified chicken-cow-sheep-horse chimera farming economy.

Our newsteam put these concerns to Peneo at the press conference, who replied:

"For those who have issue with eating Xenos, fear not, we have our vegetarian Plantoid Variety Pack©, which contains as many plant-things that feel pain as we could find."

Taco Bell shares rallied on the announcement.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Area Colony Faces Food Shortage for No Apparent Reason

The newly established human colony of Avalon in the Alpha Centauri system has appealed directly to Earth's government in Ulm for help as it struggles to cope with an acute shortage of food.

Concerns regarding food shortages were first raised one month ago following a boom in Avalon's population from 1 to 2. It has since been exacerbated following sector governor Emilio Hermes' recent decision to demolish all existing hydroponic farms on the planet and replace them with mineral silos.

Image: The human settlement of Avalon.

The two other planets in the Alpha Centauri system, New Coventry and Terra Nova, both have +10 food surpluses each and questions have been raised by Avalon colonists as to why the food cannot simply be transferred to them.

While touring aboard the UNE corvette flagship Ariana Grande, governor Hermes issued the following statement: "Yes, I am aware Avalon currently has a -1 food deficit, while neighboring planets are drowning in excesses of food. The simple fact is while we have discovered space travel, we are still in the dark ages when it comes to transporting anything other than people, let alone foodstuffs. Now if you don't mind, I'm really keen to see the hull of the Ariana Grande."

Avalon colonists report they will continue to lobby Earth to invest in food transport technologies.

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