Doctors Warn Against Gamma Laser Hair Removal

The Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) has warned consumers to avoid laser hair removal systems utilizing large military-grade gamma lasers.

The use of lasers for hair removal has grown in popularity over recent years, with cosmetic clinics now outspending the military in weapons procurement from defense contractors.

Health officials have warned that using gamma lasers for cosmetic purposes can cause serious side effects, including seventh-degree burns and instant vaporization, particularly in those with broken or irritated skin.

“These dual weapon-cosmetic systems pose an unacceptable risk to consumers,” physician Dr Mlem Emry told Xenonion. “These risks remain even if clinics claim to use more ‘gentle’ red or blue lasers with in-built targeting assistance.”  

Laser manufacturer Weymiss-Yakani has refuted the health warning, with representative Burk Carter stating: “Our entire laser range is highly effective, whether it’s against a reinforced titanium hull or hair. However, if users don’t follow the instructions correctly or use appropriate aftercare, we cannot be liable for potential unwarranted side effects like turning to a pile of ash.”

PISH officials state that while deliberating on a ban for cosmetic laser use, they are also undertaking a wider safety review on other military-industrial-cosmetic complex products including tachyon lance microdermabrasion and phase disruptor chemical peels.

Ashley Easterbrook

Name: Ashley Easterbrook

AKA: /u/ipser

Species: Blorg

Award winning journalist, former president of the Blorg Commonality and runner up in ‘Blorg’s Next Top Fungoid’, Ashley Easterbrook joined the Comet News Network in 2111 as chief political correspondent. Aged 160, Ashley’s sturdy flagella bring decades of experience and tasty tacos to the news team.

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