UNE President Announces Plans To Tariff Neighbors, Whatever That Means
President Jeffrey Rossario announced sweeping new “trade tariffs” on the UNE’s largest trading partners, only to be told by his advisors that no such economic action exists.
Addressing reporters at a press conference in Ulm yesterday, Rossario railed against what he termed “exploitative” trade practices of the Scyldari and Blorg space-nations. “They constantly want our alloys for ‘favors.’ I’m starting to think it’s a scam.”
The announcement was met with confused silence, before a junior government economist awkwardly raised their hand to explain that the UNE had no legal, practical or even theoretical way to implement tariffs because no-one in the galaxy knew what they were.
“Rossario forgets that the galactic economy works in ways we cannot even begin to comprehend,” economist Glurg told Xenonion. “Resources materialize on the galactic market from thin air and are sold at hidden exchange rates. On economic decisions governments have two options: buying or selling. That’s it.”
Rossario was quick to pivot, asking reporters and his staff “well, we can just blockade their trade routes, right?”
The same junior economic advisor was later spotted being escorted out of the executive building, pale and visibly shaken.
At the time of writing, Rossario has taken to social media and written several rambling posts accusing his aides of conspiring against him to hide the ‘enact tariff’ button and accusing Canada of being in the pocket of ‘Big Trade.’
