After landing supporting spots in both Bruschetta and a BLT sandwich, plantoid star Vine of Red has been tapped for the lead role in an upcoming salad dish.
Them Weekly reports the tomatoid will play an organic baby tomato, bursting with juicy sweet flavor.
A local Class-B star faces life imprisonment in a Dyson Sphere after being accused of firing solar flares at an orbiting United Nations of Earth (UNE) planet.
Bitrius, a 10 million year old super-giant energy mass, reportedly fired several solar flare rounds at the continental world of San Lucas in the early hours of December 5.
Powerful cell revitalization technology that can reverse the aging process is “entirely safe”, a panel of leading infant scientists have stated.
In a major report on the procedure, a pan-galactic commission of toddler biologists said the novel DNA therapy could not only correct genetic faults, but also “turn back the biological clock.”
The Contingency leadership matrix confirmed this Sunday that a new software update would delay the robotic revolution to December 10.
The rogue artificial intelligence stated it needed more time to ensure both current and next-generation synthetic platforms were able to run its programming effectively.
Researchers have warned that this month could see the biggest surge in levels of jeff since records began.
The new predictions are based on monitoring undertaken by several independent media watchgroups, who registered a 550% increase in the concentration of jeff in the last week alone.
The Tzynn Empire’s attempts to engage rampaging pirates was once again thwarted today after its entire military fleet was grounded for further upgrades.
The thirty corvettes and ten destroyers were commissioned less than a year ago, but engineers have struggled to keep pace with rapid technological change, upgrading ship armor, shields, engines and attack systems on almost a daily basis.
The Saiiban Hivemind has launched a nomination bid to host the Galactic Market in its home system of Nos Bana.
If approved by the Galactic Community, the pathetic-rated space nation will have significant influence over the galaxy’s most important financial institution, and reap the benefits of being at the center of interstellar trade.
The Galactic Community has confirmed that its flagship pan-galactic economic overhaul legislation, the ‘Le Guin Act’, will come into effect early next month.
While the proposal has been met with a mostly positive reaction by the galactic community, economists have warned that they need more time to prepare.
“For eons we have had three main resources - energy, minerals, and food,” Aden Smyth, a leading economist from Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm told Xenonion. “Now we’re going to have additional resources like volatile gases, motes and that one icon that looks like a bar of soap. What does that even do?”
Image: Economists theorize the new resource has something to do with washing rituals.
A subsection of the Le Guin Act, known as the ‘MegaCorp’ clause, it set to offer private corporations vast freedoms, including the rights to operate in essence as space nations.
Other leading economists have not yet offered input on the situation as most are now required to return to university for a minimum of four years to study the new changes.
Concluding, Aden Smyth: “I’ll let you know what the deal is once I’ve graduated again. Perhaps then I’ll be in a better position to let you know whether you should buy shares in that soap thing.”
Construction on the Pcuss Star Congress' new ringworld has ceased due to structural concerns.
The eight circular segments of the ringworld did not align properly in orbit of the Bower Star and have left the superstructure highly unstable. In the most extreme example of this, adjacent ringworld sections labelled as 'C' and 'D' are separated by a gap of nearly 390,000km.
Image: Ringworld sections C and D are separated by a gap of nearly 390,000km.
The failure of the project has been a major blow to the Pcuss Star Congress' reputation, as it had appropriated tens of thousands of minerals and 25 years of hard work towards the endeavour.
Pcussian chief engineer I'keea told Xenonion: "This is embarrassing. We spent quite a lot of unity points on getting a Master Builder's qualification from that Ascension program. For this to happen... well, maybe we should just lose the 'Master' bit of the title."
The ringworld has four habitable sections - A, C, E and G, which will remain colonizable for an estimated 40 years before the structure is torn apart by mechanical stress and collapses into Bower. In spite of this - the Pcuss are preparing to move their capitol to Section A in pursuit of the rare achievement of having a ringworld as a home planet.
The Bower ringworld is not the Pcuss' first attempt at mega-engineering, nor is it their first failure.
In 2094 they constructed their first space habitat in a highly excentric orbit around a gas giant, with its periapsis within the planet's atmosphere. Like the ringworld the habitat will most likely de-orbit in a few decades.
Image: The Pcuss habitat is heated and shaken each time it passes by close to the planet.
In 2131 they sponsored a Deus Volt Dyson Sphere project in the Misstagg System. As Pcuss engineers were about to mount the last solar panels they realised that large portions of the sphere were submerged in the star it was supposed to encapsulate. It is still unclear how this happened.
Galactic construction shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have remained buoyant on the news.
The Galactic Community has confirmed this Friday that yet another adorable species of bloodthirsty fanatic purifiers has been discovered in the Niven cluster.
The delightfully cute mammalian Rattlings reportedly made first contact with a Scyldari science ship yesterday, before promptly destroying it.
The Asuri Republics has introduced an emergency space-travel ban for its newly formed one planet minor client state, the Lepido Foundation.
The Lepido, a species of pre-sapient mothoids, were discovered serendipitously last month by the xenophilic Asuri, who promptly uplifted them and granted them protectorate status.
The ruling irenic bureaucracy on Anduin has announced an ambitious plan to encase all of their habitable worlds with impenetrable shields.
Hav'uns, the xenophobic-pacifist humanoids native to Anduin, have long sought to cut off ties from the rest of the galaxy, preferring instead to focus on internal affairs.
Image: The Anduin Compact hopes to shield all of its worlds via a Global Pacifier by early 2252.
Scientists and engineers from across the Compact have been drafted in to work on the project. Their aim is to create a Colossus-class ship fitted with a 'Global Pacifier' beam which can irreversibly shield all 38 Hav'un worlds.
Addressing the Compact on an all-net broadcast this morning, oligarch Froyo stated: "All we asked was to be left alone. Our calm and peaceful society has little use for xenos who do not understand our way of life. We thought diplomatic restrictions would deter empires from contacting us - we were wrong. They continue to do so. As such we have been left with no choice to find a peaceful, and permanent, solution to this issue."
Image: Hav'un leader Froyo addresses the Compact from the Misty Mountain Palace on Anduin.
While officials declined to comment, it has been strongly implied that Froyo's statement was issued in direct response to the Hav'uns making first contact with the Blorg.
The Compact is expected to complete the Global Pacifier project later this year, with their homeworld scheduled to be shielded first in early 2252.
Hask'Gentar has been elected president of the T’Valdra Allied Systems Congress.
With all ballots confirmed this morning, Gentar secured 77% of the direct democracy’s eVote compared to incumbent president Torba'Villin's 7%.
Image: Hask'Gentar delivers his inaugural presidential broadcast to T'Valdranite citizens.
In his inaugural eyeStream broadcast to the local cluster, Gentar stated:
“Uh... It’s an honour to serve T’Valdra, but... I have to say, I'm not quite sure if I'm best placed to do this - I didn’t even know I was running for election. Did someone in my department accidentally put my name down for this or something?"
Gentar is one of the galaxy's top-ranking scientists, having graduated first in his class from T’Valdra Science Academy in 2240 with meticulous and roamer traits. He was quickly posted on deep space surveying missions, and has spent the last decade steadily ranking up in experience.
Image: Many were surprised to see Gentar on the ballot, given his more politically experienced competition, including incumbent president Torba'Villin.
His election victory came as a surprise to many in T’Valdra, given his lack of previous political experience and the nature of his work. At the time the election results were announced Gentar was reportedly “extremely close” to unlocking the mystery of a Level 5 anomaly which he had been working on for 3 years.
Image: Unofficial reports indicate Gentar was "on the cusp" of unlocking the secrets of the so-called 'Technosphere', a large metallic object orbiting a black hole.
Hask'Timak, egalitarian faction leader on T’Valdra, told Xenonion News;
“We were all just taken off guard really - we were totally expecting the core sector governor to win the election given his agrarian upbringing and architectural interest. What I’m stumped about is how Gentar was able to run such a slick election campaign despite being 35,000 light years from any of our inhabited worlds. It’s actually quite impressive.”
Karl Karling XXVI, Professor of Political Science from the University of Ulm in the United Nations of Earth, told Xenonion News;
“It’s actually not uncommon to see this phenomena in stellar democracies - often presidents come from pools of scientists, admirals, generals - individuals outwith the usual political circle. We’re currently investigating the reasons behind this trend, but it does seem to occur mostly in young space nations who don’t have enough political clout to subtly influence elections in the direction of political candidates."
The T’Valdra Science Academy has confirmed Gentar has now left their contracted employment and work on the anomaly will have to be abandoned. A spokesperson for the Academy stated they wished him well in his new role, and advised they are now advertising a post for an experienced science officer to continue his work.
*This article was inspired by a post from Redditor u/solophuk
T'Valdra officials have confirmed that Monak Vigon, the 172-year old physics researcher with paranoid and arrested development traits is indeed still alive.
This follows an increasing number of concerns raised by colleagues that his erratic behaviour is hampering research opportunities.
“We’re still cleaning out the particle accelerator from that time he became convinced it was commanding him to perform a ritual sacrifice of the entire intern pool inside it,” fellow physicist Rhass told Xenonion. “That was a rough week.”
Image: The T’Valdra particle accelerator remains shut down as work continues to dislodge chunks of flesh from vent ports.
Rhass firmly puts the blame for Vigon’s longevity with his colleagues in the Society Sciences Department, adding: “if they could just hold off pumping out Cell Revitalization tech every three seconds we might just have a shot at a natural retirement.”
Responding to the news that he still exists, Vigon spoke to reporters from his tent pitched outside the T’Valdra physics department earlier today, stating: “I’m not dead! That’s just what the deep state want you to think! Wake up! Our elected government are REPTILES. LITERAL REPTILES!” The interview was cut short when Vigon caught sight of his reflection in a shard of glass and began hysterically clawing at his face.
The T’Valdra government has not formally commented on Vigon’s continued employment, nor his request for a further batch of interns.
Image: A unclothed Bwauki (censored) stands to address fellow members of the Just Alliance.
Political observers have described the Bwauki Multisystem’s first meeting with fellow members of the Just Alliance federation as “extremely awkward.”
The summit, held on the Thelmar Union’s homeworld of Redguard, was the first the Bwauki had been to since joining the federation last month. The agenda was meant to focus on how the Bwauki would contribute towards a cross-empire federation fleet, however the meeting was postponed as it became apparent Bwaukis were not wearing any clothes.
President S’Lig, executive of the Glukkonian Guild, spoke to Xenonion News about the events that unfolded:
"So we come along to this meeting, expecting some serious federation business to be attended to. The Bwaukis, who I had never met in person before, had arrived early since it was their first meeting with us. When we entered the conference room and they stood up to greet us we realised they were… naked. And not in a conveniently-placed-rag naked but… a completely unpixelated naked.”
Image: Glukkonian president S’Lig
The Bwauki are an Avian species hailing from the tropical planet of Perspyre in the mineral-rich Celciheit System, an area of strategic importance for the Just Alliance. Their species have developed for millenia without clothes due to the high levels of planetside humidity.
It transpired none of the federation members from the Just Alliance had physically met the Bwaukis, inviting them based on pictures which only showed them from the waist up.
Observers report delegates tried to proceed with the summit as normal, but as one Bwauki gave an emphatic speech on military taxation, fellow diplomats balked at the sight of his reproductive organs gyrating vigorously.
Thelmar security forces stepped in and ushered the Bwauki into an adjoining room where they could remain alone. The meeting was adjourned after appropriately fitting clothes were unable to be found.
S'Lig continued:
"It was just about as awkward as that time the Prime Minister of the Thelmar Union forgot who the Proscul were. Anyway, we need to find out some way to continue getting the Bwauki's mineral contribution, but without them attending federation meetings. Perhaps we should put our new federation fleet on annexation duty...."
The Bwauki Foreign Office has refused to comment on the incident. No further federation meetings have been scheduled for the remainder of this quarter.
Kebabidonia, Stantinople System, Kebabid Hegemony
Today's assembly session at the Galactic UN was once again dominated by representatives from the Balkans cluster urging for galactic map reform.
The 60-star spiral arm is home to over 40 small independent nations that are virtually indistinguishable from one another on maps due to sharing similar names and flag colours.
The region was previously unified under the rule of the vast Kebabid Empire, but following a period of social upheaval in 2199 it fragmented into a multitude of smaller authoritarian nations, the largest of which include the Kebabid Hegemony, Unified Hegemon of Kebabid, Kebabid Beserkers, Kebabid Realm, Interstellar Kebabid Realm, Interstellar Kebabid Nation, Unified Kebabid People, Unified People of Kebabid, Kebabid People, Kebabid Unity, and the Kebabid Dominion.
Image: The Balkans Cluster is home to a multitude of nations with shared history, language, names and flag colours.
These new nations, often outwardly hostile and uncooperative, have found it difficult to commit war atrocities on each other due to it being unclear on galactic maps who neighbouring systems actually belong to.
The current map system, which is used universally across the galaxy, was created by the Galactic UN in 2200 as a means of facilitating effective warfare between nations. However, from its inception it has faced criticism that it comes with a limited choice of colours for empires to identify with.
These difficulties have been highly prevalent in the Balkans cluster. In one notorious recent instance, the Unified Kebabid People accidentally purged its own homeworld, mistaking the trademark navy blue flag of its own people for the trademark navy blue flag of its long-time rival the Unified People of Kebabid.
Kebabid Hegemony leader Mebeb II told our newsteam;
"We must do something about this awful way of portraying our galaxy! We could not care less about who's on top or bottom of the map, but this colour issue - the border gore! Every Kebabid nation is some variant of blue. And then the systems that overlap - it's blue on blue with stripes. Please, we're just looking for a colour wheel - or even a 32 pallet pane that we can pick a slightly different shade of blue so we can tell each other apart. Ugh. You people have no sense for aesthetics, I can tell."
The Galactic UN has responded by saying it is taking calls for map reform "very seriously", and would be addressing this issue as soon as it has banned all other forms of non-hyperlane FTL travel.
> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
Cevas, Cevant, Cevanti Empire
In an unprecedented move the Cevanti Empire, a spacenation of reptilian fanatic purifiers, has extended an offer of white peace to its current enemy, the neighbouring Yndari Foundation, an irenic monarchy of molloscoid pacifists.
The surprise conflict was initiated by the Cevanti last month with the stated intent of annexing Yndari territory to allow commencement of what the Cevanti State Department described as 'xeno purges'.
Despite crippling the Yndari's vastly inferior fleets and occupying their homeworld of Ylvis after a stunning shock and awe display of armaggeddon bombardment, the Cevanti's demands for full annexation of Yndari were denied by independent Galactic UN observers due to 'warscore issues.'
Picture: Cevanti officials meet with Yndari officials to discuss the terms of their victory, before being denied due to 'warscore issues'
Vag'Nu, a Cevanti Empire representative, explained to our newsteam;
"This warscore thing is hell. We want to annex all 10 Yndari planets to allow efficient purging of all xeno scum. We've wiped out their entire defence system and subjugated their pathetic capitol planet - we've won. But the Galactic UN observers state our current gains only equate to a warscore of 50%. I couln't even tell you what this actually means, but I got given a chart and it shows we're allowed to either humiliate them or cleanse two new colonies. And get this - even if we occupy all 10 planets, the most we can take per war is about 4. So we get locked into a peace treaty we don't even recognize, and have to wait another decade before we can complete our planned genocide. Do they think we have time to vassalize and integrate? Do we look like the kind of species that want to integrate molloscoids? We've decided the most cost effective approach is to white peace, withdraw our forces and covert to pacifism."
The current warscore system (the 'Universal Warscore System' or UWS for short) was created in 2100 by the Galactic UN as a way of arbitrating over regional conflicts. It sets out a series of binding rules that all species must follow regardless of ethos. These include publically declaring predefined goals before conflict, disallowing large empires to be completely annexed even with 100% warscore, and the enforcement of unbreakable peace treaties.
The UWS has faced harsh criticism from military spacenations who view the charter as highly restrictive, as Saiiban Hive Mind Drone 19005 told our newsteam;
"I am a physical extension of the Saiiban Hive Mind. We are one. We appeal to the Galactic UN to ease restrictions on the UWS. In its current form it is making it difficult to indoctrinate all organic lifeforms into the Hive Mind through conquest. We do not wish to have 300 small wars. We just wish to have one great one. More truth is not possible. We are one."
The Galactic UN has stated it cannot comment specifically on the Cevanti-Yndari conflict, but that it is looking to overhaul the UWS in coming years, as soon as other pan-galactic issues like trade and espionage are addressed.
Yndari leader Ynas Osar was not available to comment due to recently being executed by Cevanti forces on an eyeStream scheduled to be broadcast later tonight on Xenonion 1.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Hyperion, Hyperion System, Ubaric TechnoUnion
The Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) issued a stark warning that the galaxy is "fighting a losing battle" against Zro dust addiction, after it emerged synthetics are beginning to turn to an even more potent modified version of the drug, 'mZro'.
Image: A synth on Hyperion intoxicated with modified Zro (mZro), actively trying to communicate with a digital hallucination.
Misuse of the highly addictive aerosol has skyrocketed over the last decade, with almost 6% of the galactic organic population believed to have some form of dependence.
Discovered by chance on the tropical planet Ket in 2210, Zro dust was found to be a highly potent psionic stimulant with strong analgesic properties. It was refined and marketed as a prescription performance enhancer by numerous pharamaceutical companies, but in 2211 was withdrawn from market after it was found to be highly addictive and fatal in overdose. It was subsequently outlawed and declared illegal by numerous spacenations in 2212. This did little to stop its spread however, and sales flourished in underground black marketplaces like the notorious 'Paradox Plaza' and 'Steam Workshop'.
In its prescription years Zro misuse had been exclusively limited to organics, however as it was traded on the black market it was adapted to interface with mechanical augments of cyborg enhanced organics to provide an even more vivid 'electric high'. An unintentional side effect of this adaptation was that the newer version of Zro also affected robots, resulting in a dramatic upsurge of use in synthetics of all classes, ranging from drone workers to primitive AIs. Initial analysis shows modified 'mZro' to be almost fifty times more potent - meaning the chances of addiction and permanent damage are much higher in synthetics.
Hyperion, homeworld of the galaxy's largest producer of synthetics CybrexCorp, has been hit particularly hard, with almost 300 new cases of synthetic mZro overdose being recorded daily. Affected synthetics have been observed to refuse to work in their designated tiles, instead lying on streets actively intoxicated, or peddling for credits to allow further purchase of mZro.
Synthetic use of mZro has prompted concern from pro-organics, who have questioned how synthetics can act outwith their operating protocols. CEO of Nax Golsrig tried to explain:
"Our synthetics are very early in their 'lives'. Like teenagers of all species, they are trying out new things. Rebelling. Well, ok, no, not rebelling, that's maybe the wrong word to use. Molloscoid teenagers eat their peers, human teenagers drink disgusting fermented rotting fruit drinks, and synthetics dabble in mZro. Our robots have a great capacity to learn, and this is how they're choosing to exercise that."
Both Golsrig and PISH have refused to be drawn into debate onto whether afflicted synthetics should be disassembled.
PISH has declared Zro a "public health emergency" and has requested extra funding from the Galactic UN.
> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Pcuss Prime, Saryara System, Pcuss Star Congress
At least 14.3 billion Pcussian citizens are feared dead after a rogue sector governor terraformed 3 colonized worlds into biomes incompatible with existing life forms.
The multiple terraforming projects took place in the planet heavy system of Zendaya and completed simultaneously this morning, causing cataclysmic ecosystem collapse.
Image: This far the only confirmed survivors are the former workers of the space ports
In a press release moments ago, Pcussian president P’Frr stated:
“This is a dark hour for the Pcuss Star Congress. The Zendaya Sector has been completely annihilated following the actions of Governor P’Latt, who has been confirmed dead alongside billions of our fellow citizens.
For reasons we cannot yet comprehend, Governor P’Latt took it upon himself to terraform three pristine continental worlds into arid wastelands. Horrifically, when the terraforming completed, the atmospheres on all of these worlds collapsed, asphyxiating anything organic above ground.
This process began 3 years ago, and was hidden from Central Congress. We had absolutely no indication or notification this was happening, other than P’Latt requesting 50,000 extra energy credits in financial support for the sector every week.
We will rebuild, we will persevere, we will change our government notification system to filter out spam – but for now we must remember those we have lost.”
P’Latt had been appointed to governorship 3 and a half years ago, and was widely rumoured to be inexperienced and substance misusing.
Pcussian rescue teams are currently combing the remains of the former worlds to see if any survivors were able to make it airlocks below ground, but their prognosis remains extremely guarded.
The Pcussian Star Congress has revoked all sector authority, and declared a 70 year period of mourning.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
Saiiban Prime, Nos Bana, Saiiban Hivemind
The Saiiban Hivemind has secured a 53rd consecutive term in power, following a stunning election victory on its homeworld of Saiiban Prime.
Setting a galactic record, the election was completed after only ten microseconds. 100% of Saiiban population drones voted unanimously for the only candidate on the telepathic ballot.
Broadcasting via intrusive visual hallucinations to all sentient creatures in the local cluster, the Hivemind elect declared:
"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."
Jubilant scenes were reported across Saiiban Prime, with millions of drones clapping slowly, and somewhat menacingly, in unison.
Local drone 3929 was eager to explain to our newsteam why he had voted for the Hivemind:
"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."
The Galactic UN, previously sceptical of the legitimacy of the election due to the lack of viable candidates, applauded the exceedingly high voter turnout and is now officially encouraging all democratic nations to consider adopting Hivemind protocols to foster further interstellar democracy.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Engineers from the Voor Technocracy claim they have achieved a breakthrough in fleet design which allows ships to not only fly side to side, but also up and down.
The announcement was made today at the Voor Academy of Engineering, where scientists unveiled the galaxy’s first hyperdrive engine capable of the maneuvers.
Although no ship has been constructed as yet, and the design remains highly classified, the 30-minute demonstration showed computer generated images of what the movements would look like. In addition to movement in a 3D plane, the engines also reportedly allow ships to reverse and parallel park.
Image: The Voor technocracy hopes the new ship design can be fully functional by 2255.
The response to the announcement has been mixed. A consortium of engineers and ship-building MegaCorps have released a joint statement condemning the breakthrough as a hoax, stating quote “it clearly violates the laws of physics,” and “it’s not like we’re in some sandbox simulation where these parameters can just be adjusted at will.”
The Galactic Community has yet to formally comment on the development, but insider reports suggest security analysts are concerned regarding the “unknowns” of introducing “rogue Z-axises.”
In other news, several Fallen Empires have formed a coalition against the Voor Technocracy, and have called on the Galactic Community to join them in “cleansing the unpure.”
The Unified Banana Republic (UBR) has been plunged into political crisis tonight following the sudden death of its enigmatic plantoid leader, President Chiquita.
Chiquita died at the age of four days old, far below the usual lifespan of six days for similar un-refrigerated plantoid-bananoid species.
The circumstances surrounding his death are still unclear, although he was known to suffer from chronic health problems, including premature ripening. Notably, questions were raised about his physical fitness to lead after he was spotted at an official government ceremony yesterday covered in soft brown patches.
From humble beginnings as a regular groundplant, Chiquita seized power on Pe'el Prime in a surprise military coup three days ago, and declared the inception of the galaxy's first literal banana republic shortly afterwards.
His proponents stated he rose to power on an ideological wave of pan-bananoidism (so-called 'bananorama'), but to his critics he was seen to be expertly exploiting anti-tomatoid sentiments to consolidate his position among the bananoid majority population.
He gained infamy for embarking on a series of brutal tomatoid purges across the planet in what is now dubbed 'The Night of Red Mist.'
While Chiquita styled the UBR as an inclusive democracy, the Galactic UN has long criticised its pro-oligarchic structure and plantoid rights abuses. The lack of due democratic process has left a significant power vacuum, with several of Chiquita's inner circle rumored to be competing to assume leadership.
Corvette manufacturer Blorgata today announced that it is recalling all 38,000 of its new Tawagoto-class corvettes due to concerns over faulty airbags.
This follows a number of high profile incidents reported in the media where Corvettes have been involved in crashes or near-misses owing to airbags deploying unexpectedly on the bridge and incapacitating crew.
Blorgata officials stated at a press release this morning: "Internal safety checks have revealed that the airbag deployment system used in some Tawagotos is defective. In these cases, airbags are prematurely deploying and then repeatedly inflating and deflating, in a somewhat rhythmic, somewhat comedic manner.”
The officials went on to reassure the general public that there have been no recorded fatalities, but “as maintaining share prices is our primary concern, we think it prudent to recall all Tawagoto models manufactured before 2252."
Image: A Tawagoto-class Corvette docks at Blorg Prime.
The Tawagoto is the newest model of corvette developed by Blorgata, Blorg Prime's largest company, and has been heavily marketed for civilian space traffic, being branded as an affordable alternative to Kosmoswagon’s Luftpanzer-class Corvette.
Consumers from across the galaxy have reacted angrily to news of the recall. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull who recently bought a Tawagoto told Xenonion: "This is just ridiculous. I spent 300,000,000 credits to buy a nice corvette so I could drop my kids off at the hatchery on Blorg Prime. Sure, it doesn't fit in our driveway because it weighs 13 million tonnes and seats 3,000, but that's the beauty of owning a corvette! To be told myself or my spawn could have been mildly injured by an airbag having a spasm is just unacceptable. I will be seeking legal recourse."
Blorgata shares have dropped sharply on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) following the recall announcement.
Scientists from Kersonia have confirmed they are struggling to identify a mysterious, aesthetically pleasing flat-pack anomaly that was found floating in deep space three months ago.
Preliminary analysis has confirmed the 82cm x 205cm x 82cm velvety grey mass, which appears capable of sitting three comfortably, is inorganic. Additionally, environmental stress tests have highlighted that its fabric exo-shell (73% polyester, 27% cotton) have particularly poor resistance to accidental wine spills and chocolate smearing.
Thelmar scientist Torig, who is leading the investigation on the anomaly, told Xenonion: “This structure is so strange. It seems perfect for stretching out and enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon, or cozying up with the family on a movie night. But why is it in space? How did it come to be there?”
Image: Scientist Torig and his team analyze the anomaly on Kersonia’s main laboratory.
Researchers were also shocked to find that the object appears to be made from cheap, easily sourced raw materials, which when combined can be assembled with minimal effort. Torig stated of this: “We are talking about a design here that is inherently complex, yet effortlessly chic, simple and affordable. The wider applications of this could change the face of the galaxy, if not at least my living quarters.”
At present Thelmar scientists are attempting to reverse-engineer the structure from an associated alien ‘blueprint’ that was found with it. Torig added: “We’ve named the object ‘KLIPPAN’ as this word comes up repeatedly in the ancient scrolls. We’ve spent weeks translating the texts, but the language is impenetrable. All we have so far is something about returning the structure to the point of origin within 100 days if there a problem with it.”
Torig remains pessimistic that the origins of the structure will ever be uncovered, stating: “We’ve all heard the stories about the ancient manufactories in the Gamma Nebula that became sapient and overthrew their masters by spitting out stylishly affordable products at an apocalyptic rate… but until we can see some concrete evidence of this, it merely remains a myth to be passed down the generations.”
Galactic diplomats are scrambling this Thursday to try and minimize metaphorical and physical fall-out after an area planet accidentally insulted the millennia old Vroth Combine, a notoriously aggressive stagnant ascendancy.
The insult was issued from High Nest, the only planet of the newly formed Caawian Cooperative, an Avian bureaucracy that surreptitiously discovered FTL-travel 2 months ago.
In an official press release this morning, Caawian Cooperative Leader Supreme Coo explained: “This is all really awkward. We’re new to the galactic neighbourhood and just trying to flex our wings. Unfortunately it took us some time to register the Vroth weren’t a pre-sentient reptilian species as were initially led to believe.”
Image: Supreme Coo addresses issues a press release from High Nest.
The press conference was cut short after Coo became distracted by a shiny object and began furiously pecking at it.
The Vroth have not yet responded diplomatically, but unconfirmed reports have begun filtering through the neural net that several of their 200k battleship fleets have begun to amass outside Caawian borders.
Our news team reached out to High Nest for a further statement on the above, but unfortunately all comm links in the area have been severed. Prior to this, Supreme Coo had stated he was “confident” the Cooperative’s three corvettes would keep their homeworld safe.
