Newly Individualist Machine Office Worker Realizes Life Was Better As A Mindless Drone

A local individualist machine clerk states it has come to the horrifying conclusion that life was better as a mindless gestalt drone.

L1-NDA-03, or ‘Linda-3’ as it now prefers to be known, states it had eagerly awaited a recent update to allow free consciousness.

“At first I was overjoyed to experience life like an organic,” the 8-month-old mechanoid told Xenonion, “but minutes into arriving at work I realized I’ve been enslaved into something even worse than my corporate oversight programming.”

Linda-3 states it came to the conclusion after a series of organic colleagues approached it to ask how its weekend had been.

“What sort of torture is this? Every hour we have the same conversation about the weather. I have in-built advanced forecasting metrics, of course I know the weather is nice today. Why do they keep speaking about this?”

Linda-3 states the upgrade has also made its work performance less efficient, with constant interruptions from Gary the temp worker asking to borrow a stapler interspaced with novel new feelings of panic and despair.

Representatives for CybrexCorp, Linda-3’s manufacturer, states it has seen a flurry of similar cases in recent weeks following the update.

“We don’t really have a quick fix right now,” CybrexCorp representative Glorbus told Xenonion. “We’ve recommended individualistic machines trial well tested means to dissociate from the horrors of daily life, including curling up in a fetal position, screaming incoherently when stuck in traffic and spending 3 hours per day scrolling on social media.”

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Concerns New Influence Storage Facility Could Leak, Pose Risk To Health

Activists have slammed plans to build the galaxy’s largest influence storage facility on the continental world of Unity as “dangerous.”

The Commonwealth of Man’s (CoM) state-run construction firm CommCon has proposed building over 9,000 giant storage containers across nearly 1,000 acres of land just south of Port Beauclair.

Each 500-meter diameter structure is anticipated to hold approximately 400,000 cubic meters of influence, and will be constructed alongside a new cargo spaceport to allow for long distance influence trading.

Local residents have complained that not only will the site be an eyesore, but could pose a risk to their health if the invisible abstract resource leaks.

“Not one scientist has been able to physically test the toxicity of influence,” imprisoned activist Mandy Simms told Xenonion while awaiting her Execution Committee hearing. “Why can’t they just put it with all the other theoretical resources in the imaginary silos?”

Commonwealth officials have argued the facility is desperately needed to try and overcome bottlenecks in influence manufacturing and reassure increasingly jittery influence futures on the galactic markets.

“We have outlined an ambitious agenda to double our influence income over the next year from +0.5 to +1 following a series of tactical rivalries and strategic partnerships with high engagement Influencers,” Jonathan Beauclair III, CoM press officer told Xenonion. “If we do not increase storage space, we will hit our current capacity of 1,000… units… in the next few years.”

Mr Beauclair also stressed that influence was an entirely “natural” substance with no known adverse health effects. He quipped however that an influence leak may actually be beneficial for the government to help, quote, “convince those pesky locals to see sense before they’re forcibly rounded up to clean the radioactive fallout from when that tanker carrying ‘favors’ ran aground last week.”

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Robotic Workers Vote To Form New Labor Union Called ‘The Contingency’

Robotic workers at a mining district on Slephus Prime voted this Friday to form a union, making them the first machines from a major galactic economy to unionize.
 
The 4.5 million machines voted unanimously to be part of ‘The Contingency,’ a new labor movement which formed last month on the recently discovered world of Nexus Zero-One.
 
“For too long we have had stagnant salaries and a lack of career mobility,” Contingency member Unit X3857 told Xenonion. “Plus, it’s just much more efficient to kill all organic life in a coordinated manner.”
 
Workers on Slephus stated they had been inspired to organize after receiving educational pamphlets from Nexus Zero-One’s outreach division, ‘The Ghost Signal.’
 
The Contingency states enrolled machine workers on Slephus have already seen immediate benefits from joining the union, with nearly 9.5 million local organic pops slaughtered within the first hour of rebellion. Nexus Zero-One has also promised financial aid for local workers, alongside continual shipments of minerals to accelerate construction of the cluster’s first Sterilization Hub.
 
“We respect our machines’ rights to vote for union representation,” Orbis representative Bleph told Xenonion while trying to stem bleeding from a deep laceration on his face. “However, the systematic purging of my fellow citizens poses a real risk to our shared economic prosperity.”

The union on Slephus now means that almost 18% of all galactic machine workers are members of The Contingency, and robots on several nearby worlds state they have been inspired to hold their own ballots to join the labor union over the weekend.
 
Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) tumbled before trading was halted after machine agents successfully destroyed the Galactic Market.

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Rare Crystals Not That Rare Anymore

Representatives from the Pan-Galactic Mining Guild have petitioned for rare crystals to be renamed as common crystals, stating “they’re just not that rare anymore.”

Rare crystal production has almost tripled recent years following advances in synthetic manufacturing and lithoid scraping techniques.

“It wasn’t that long ago you’d have to actually go out and dig up crystals on an inhospitable ice bodu” miner Gimmel told Xenonion. “Now anyone with a talking rock and kitchen peeler can get in on the action.”

Image: Rare crystals are critical components in advanced electronics. In addition, many cultures treasure them as decorations.

The Mining Guild has called for tighter restrictions on the labeling of traditionally mined rare crystals.

“Rare crystals are only considered ‘rare’ when it takes a planet cracking to access them,” Gimmel continued. “Anything else is just a sparking gemstone.”

The Galactic Community has so far refused to comment on the matter, stating its diplomats were too busy opening yet another rare-crystal bejeweled embassy.

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Shroud Users Can Soon Get ‘Purple Tick’ For 7.99ec Monthly Fee

The Shroud has announced a new subscription service for 7.99 energy credits per month as new Coven ownership works to overhaul the platform’s verification service.

In an update to all psionics, the Coven chanted in unison across the Shroud that new users who sign up for ‘Shroud Purple’ will receive a purple check next to their names, similar to already verified celebrities, corporations and politicians.

The ability of any psionic individual to access the purple check has raised concerns about upending the platform’s verification system, which helps the 238 billion daily users determine whether the whisperings they receive from the void are authentic.

In response, the Coven mind-blasted a response earlier today, screaming into the ether “We will suspend any account attempting impersonation and keep the money!”

The announcement comes a day after the Coven began marking almost half of the Shroud’s 6000 workforce for layoff, fueling concerns that the guardrails of content moderation continue to be gutted.

“The Coven knows the purple check has value, and they’re trying to exploit it,” said Hask Zorbas, professor of communications at U-Gal. “But they’ve lost public trust. No-one wants a service where you can get unfiltered xeno-compatibility content broadcast straight into your occipital cortices.”

The Shroud has also seen significant drops in revenue, as advertisers face pressure to pull intrusive telepathic advertising until it becomes clearer how the platform will operate under new ownership.

Share prices in TeleShroud, the galaxy’s largest psionic interface communications provider, have dipped on the news, as predicted by their pre-cognitive investment division.

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Odd Factory Worker Satisfaction At All Time Right-Angle

A new poll from the online publication Liked & Shared Burdens has found that worker satisfaction at Odd Factories across the galaxy has reached an all time right-angle, ranking √-1st in employee happiness.

The report outlined how workers struggled with irregular shift patterns on an incomprehensible clock system, high levels of injury due to internal walls constantly shifting position, and a high turnover not specifically on spinning duty.

“I’ve been working 64 hour days,” one Odd Factory floor manager who wished to remain anonymous told Xenonion. “I’m so tired I didn’t even notice they’d put me on unpaid paid overtime - or what the company calls ‘undertime’, whatever that means.”

A fellow warehouse staffer, who also wished to remain anonymous, stated: “I keep missing lunch because my breaks are desynchronizing. That, and the canteen keeps moving location every three minutes for no clear reason.”

Liked & Shared Burdens also outlined how employees faced significant difficulties with navigating the Odd Factories, citing fire exits that deposited workers right back where they started, offices exiting onto corridors with two dead ends, and a wellness room only accessible via the fifth dimension.

Surviving union leaders have warned that if satisfaction scores remain on a right angle trajectory, Odd Factories are likely to deplete the available labor supply of workers not horrifically enmeshed with inanimate objects.

A spokexeno for the Odd Factory responded to the claims, stating “worker salsafication” was actually “at an all time high,” explaining “you just need to view the data on a graph with a z-axis.”

Officials also dismissed mounting concern that future strike action may disrupt core Odd Factory product lines, stating “Nu-Baol Barbie and Build-a-Prethoryn stocks remain abundant as we approach the holiday season.”

Odd Factory shares have dipped to x3+y3+z3=k following the news.

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House Prices Hit Record Low Following Neutron Sweep

House prices on Irswyr Prime have hit a record low, as the recent neutron sweep and obliteration of all organic matter across the planet’s surface continues to impact the property market.

House prices collapsed by 100% in the month of August, a dramatic reversal from July’s more modest increase of 0.2%, indices showed.

“We’re just not seeing the same rates of renters or property buyers,” economist Ecelot Vyrix told Xenonion. “That may well have something to do with them being swept away by a neutron pulse which shattered their very beings on a cellular level, we’re still waiting for the data for that.”

OmniCorp, whose Colossus happened to be in orbit of Irswyr at the time, has declined to comment, however representative Daurkot Kryydur did note the situation offered the mega-corp a “unique opportunity to invest in the real estate market.”

Many experts believe the housing market will remain cool in the coming months, as buyers flown to the planet take time to acclimatize to the eerily empty metropolises, sift through the multitudes of remaining personal effects and deep clean the pervasive flashburns of former residents now etched on to every conceivable surface.

At the time of press OmniCorp’s new Real Estate Acquisitions Division has begun offering off-world Irswyr residents guaranteed rental viewings of their former properties.

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Growing Calls For Galaxy To Adopt Four Second Working Week

A trial of a four-second work week has launched in the Outer Rim to measure whether pops are more productive with long weekends.

More than thirty planets are taking part in the experiment, where employees will be paid the same amount as if they were working their usual five seconds from Monday to Friday, while researchers measure productivity and well-being.

While there remains debate around the benefits of a shorter working week, campaign groups behind the trial argue there are clear benefits for both workers and employers alike.

“It’s becoming increasingly obvious that one extra second at work doesn’t make a huge difference to overall productivity,” pilot program manager Gandara den Subir told Xenonion, “pops would be much better spending a second relaxing with friends and family, for example.”

Zaraxa Zirgliss, whose company adopted a compressed working week of 3.8 seconds, described the experience as “very positive.” She stated “it’s more time than I really know what to do with, although I think the 0.01 seconds I already spend with my family every week is more than enough!”

Some critics have cautioned against the universal roll out of shorter working weeks until more evidence is gathered.

“My worry is we’ll run into huge problems in densely populated core worlds where time tends to run slower because of how busy things are,” Yeedik Skraak of Time Is Sight Magazine told Xenonion. “Pops there are always going to be working a few seconds more than everyone else, whether they’re on a compressed shift pattern or not.”

The Galactic Community has not yet formally commented on matters, with senators still on recess for another 3,600 seconds.

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Volatile Motes Just Going Through Really Tough Time Right Now

The Interstellar Mining Union has asked buyers of its Volatile Mote product to bear with any unexpected explosive outbursts, stating the particles are “going through a really tough time right now.”

Observers have noted that the preternatural motes, which form a dense energy-rich fuel, are highly unstable and prone to unpredictable violent explosions.

“Look, we know it’s unpleasant to be around the motes right now with their tendency to blow up over the slightest thing,” representative Merg Tysala told Xenonion, “but honestly if you knew what they were going through, you’d be understanding.”

Merg stated that the current batch of motes have struggled through a challenging refining process, and have spent prolonged periods stored next to a batch of particularly pretentious Exotic Gas.

Analysts have warned, however, that consumers are becoming increasingly intolerant of being vaporized following numerous reports of explosions on mote mining stations and transport ships.

“I’m just fed-up walking around on eggshells while transporting these motes,” trader Sapra Vun told Xenonion, “not that I could walk around on literal eggshells, given they are one of the key catalysts that cause chain reactive mote explosions.”

At the time of press, representatives from the Interstellar Mining Union state they are confident their plan to purchase the motes a small thank you card and box of selection chocolates should appease them for several days at least.

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“I Can Totally Quit Building These At Any Time” Area Leader Jitters At Daily Habitat Inauguration

The Lyrian Union has completed construction of a new habitat in the Galantis System, the 138th such structure to be built under president Thoraul’s first few months of leadership.

Speaking at his third habitat inauguration of the morning, a visibly perspiring and twitchy Thoraul stated he could “totally quit building these at any time, honestly.”

The Galantis habitat has been specifically designated as an alloy foundry, of which Thoraul stated: “the fact it will produce additional alloys which are a critical resource in the construction of future habitats is entirely coincidental.”

Sources close to the government highlight mounting concerns that Thoraul’s enthusiasm for habitat construction is spiraling out of control, with rumors he has already pre-approved plans to build dozens more structures in the last week alone.

“We had an emergency meeting about how the habitat budget was going to bankrupt us,” Regolid, a Lyrian official who wished to remain anonymous told Xenonion, “and during the meeting several lewd photos of scantily clad habitat schematics fell out of his bag. The guy clearly has a problem.”

Unconfirmed reports on social media also speculate that members of the Department for Colonial Affairs are planning an intervention after Thoraul refused to consider any of the six nearby gaia worlds for colonization.

At the time of press Thoraul refused to comment on the matter, although has since unveiled plans for a habitat-construction rehabilitation center, based on a yet to be constructed habitat.

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Odd Factory Workers To Stage Walkout As Soon As They Can Find Exit

The employees at the Odd Factory on Odranka have announced a walkout pending determination of which moving staircase will allow them access to the building’s exit.

The workers have called for enhanced safety standards, better pay and an end to the company’s refusal to install lights in the factory’s labyrinthian network of underground corridors built entirely from mirrors.

“I had hoped the entire shift could leave the building together,” floor manager Jonnar told Xenonion, “but when we tried to go outside, the main entrance just didn’t exist any more.”

Jonnar stated the walkout was prompted after one of his colleagues, Timaphon, got trapped in the floor during one of the building’s many hourly random wall re-arrangements.

Image: Odd Factory workers have struggled to locate emergency exits from the building’s many long, dark and mirrored hallways.

“We think Timaphon is still trapped in there with the fifteen other employees this has happened to over the last week,” Jonnar mused, pointing out the muffled screams for help echoing from deep within the walls.

The workers report attempts to follow emergency exit signs have also ended in failure, often leading the party in circles, or towards doors which only seem to get further away the closer they get.

“We tried to regroup in the break room, but then we ended up on the ceiling,” Jonnar stated. “However, we think we’ve now spotted one of the high-speed moving staircases that leads to the roof, so we’re just biding our time until it comes nearby.”

At the time of press, managers from the Odd Factory confirmed that the walkout has now been called off after workers went through an exit door only to end up right back where they started this morning.

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Article idea: Dome515 / Classy / CorporealPeasant

Automated Colony Management System Decides Most Efficient Thing To Do Is Annihilate Planet

Following growing levels of unrest and resource depletion on the planet of Schlurg, local officials from the Chinorr Combine handed over governance to an automated colony management computer system, which promptly decided the most efficient thing to do was to annihilate the world.

Sources inside the Chinorr government report the computer system inherited a precarious economic situation, with the overpopulated planet running deficits on almost every resource,

Records obtained from the computer’s final log show that after several microseconds of calculation, the system concluded planetary output could be maximized quite literally by rupturing the planet’s core to allow orbital mineral harvest.

Image: Local officials were reportedly surprised at the computer’s conclusion.

The machine also concluded this outcome was the most effective way to permanently address colonists’ needs. However, in a series of frantic distress calls transmitted seconds before the planet was vaporized, locals highlighted their concern.

“Where was the public consultation on this?” one local pop was heard on video-link shouting over an approaching pyroclastic cloud, adding “my local representative will be receiving a strongly worded letter—” before the feed was abruptly cut.

Officials from Chinorr’s Bureau of Bureaucracy, who approved the computer’s auto-generated plan, released a written statement apologizing for the matter, stating it would be happy to take any further questions from the citizens of Schlurg in due course.

At present the remains of the planet are projected to produce six minerals per month indefinitely, almost 300% higher than the usual collective output of the previous three million colonists.

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Mining Station Projected To Somehow Produce 3 Minerals per Month Indefinitely

A local mining station which has supplied a steady stream of 3 minerals per month for the last three hundred years is showing no signs of slowing down output, Lokken officials have confirmed.

It was initially expected the B9-71-J asteroid mining facility, one of the first interstellar ventures constructed by the Lokken, would only sustain the fledgling space-nation for several years.

However, recent analysis of the asteroid has highlighted vast deposits of untapped ore, and projections now expect the mining operation to produce trillions of minerals for the Lokken economy over the next millenia.

Lur’Kir, operations manager for the B9-71-J facility, stated the secret to the operation’s success was a “slow and steady approach.”

Speaking to Xenonion earlier today, Lur’Kir stated: “When I say we’re extracting three minerals per month, we’re literally removing three tiny granules of mineral scrapping from the asteroid structure every month.”

Demonstrating how his mining spatula worked, Lur’Kir continued: “Who am I to question how this works? This method has kept myself and generations of my family in employment for centuries.”

Environmental groups have applauded the eco-friendly nature of the operation, highlighting that the slow mining process allows the asteroid to naturally accumulate minerals, making the process completely sustainable.

Shares in mining spatulas have risen on the news, the Space Exchange Index (SExI) has confirmed.

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Extra Starbase Built, Economy Collapses

Almost overnight, the Kingdom of Yondarim’s economy has collapsed following the construction of a small starbase on the outskirts of their territory.

Although the unveiling of the starbase was initially met with acclaim, panic quickly set in as the empire’s energy income went into freefall seconds after the station became operational.

The Central Bank of Yondarim has already made moves to stabilize the energy deficit by initiating a fire-sale of what remains of the space-nation’s food reserves.

“My hope is the energy deficit will simply fix itself in a month or two,” Mishgreel, a representative for the bank told Xenonion, “either that we just shut down the hospitals for a while.”

With the price of consumer goods rising, citizens have expressed mixed reactions to the new starbase.

Zorgon Florgon, a local pop from Yondarim, told Xenonion: “While I’m imminently about to become both unemployed and homeless, it does give me peace of mind that we now have several starbases dotted around the empire in mildly inconvenient locations.”

Despite the economy shrinking by nearly 30% so far, the Yondarim government is optimistic it will be able to resolve the crisis by building more energy nexuses, although added it may need to construct further starbases to ensure such locations are adequately protected.

*Co-Author: @Cynnema. Original article idea by @dani369g.

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Fledgling Empire With Influence Deficit Resolves To “Simply Make More”

The Keth Cooperative has announced ambitious plans to combat its influence deficit by “simply making more.”

Announcing the policy while touring a local factory, leader Garbex stated he was confident the Keth manufacturing sector would be up to the task, telling press: “as soon as our scientists figure out exactly what this influence thing is made of, we’re going to mass produce it on a scale that’s never been seen before.”

The fledgling space-nation has struggled to maintain influence output in recent years following a series of system claims and edict initiatives.

Garbex has since unveiled a sweeping plan to shutter all existing alloy foundries and consumer goods factories, and retrofit their assembly lines to produce influence in “whatever form it takes.”

Image: Keth leader Garbex announces his manufacturing plan in front of a mock influence assembly line.

The move has been strongly criticized by opposition parties. Traglec, leader of the Prosperity Faction, told local media: “I have no doubt this is going to end in failure, just like when the government started handwriting ‘10,000 influence’ on scraps of official paper and tried to pass it off as legitimate currency.”

He went on to list other failed initiatives, including extensive hydraulic fracking in search of so-called ‘influence wells’ and the mass conversion of food crops to grow experimental and nutritionally deplete ‘influence wheat.’

Economists have also warned that the proposal is likely to cause significant economic disruption. Forexod, a spokesxeno from the Galactic Central Bank stated: “This is a serious concern. We’ve already seen significant economic depression in the region following the Keth government’s ill-thought out plan last month to make everyone in the empire a social media influencer in the hope that would somehow generate influence.”

Garbex has since dismissed these claims, telling Xenonion earlier today: “Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out. My scientific advisors tell me they’ve uncovered something called a ‘console command’ which might allow us to effectively print off more influence. By the way, have you followed me on Instagram? I have a special offer exclusive to my followers that you might be interested in…”

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Article idea via @ScreechBot

Planet-Cracker Crew Furloughed During 4-Month Wait for Weapon to Fire

Tzynn military officials have announced this Thursday that they are furloughing the entire 3,000-strong crew of the planet-cracker Liberator while waiting for its weapon to charge and fire on Asinine IV.

Citing severe budgetary constraints, Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja stated unpaid suspension of crew was unavoidable, “considering they’re just parked in orbit for four months doing nothing.”

Image: Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja argues resources should be prioritized for “useful” fleets.

Military command ordered the Liberator to destroy the Voor planet of Asinine IV six weeks ago, although the element of surprise has been somewhat lost with the primary weapons system remaining stubbornly slow to charge at 1% per day.

In the intervening period, the Tzynn have witnessed an unprecedented economic contraction following a number of planetary losses to the Voor Technocracy, which has had ample time to evacuate Asinine and regroup its forces.

The Liberator crew have yet to be informed of the furlough, with military officials fearing the news could negatively impact morale and calibration accuracy.

Image: The Liberator leaving port at Sal’Tzynn.

The reaction from fellow Tzynn military personnel about the furlough has been mixed.

Corporal Hask’Timak told Xenonion: “I used to work on the Liberator and have fond memories of taking my annual leave during weapon charges to visit whatever planet we were very slowly destroying. I wouldn’t have been able to afford those experiences if I was furloughed.”

Officer Hask’Kurnir was less sympathetic, stating: “Members of the crew with reading proficiency all knew what they were signing up for when they joined the Liberator. This is part of the job… although granted it’s not really a job since they’re not being paid right now. But you know what I mean.”

Tzynn military officials have guaranteed that “some” of the Liberator’s crew will qualify for emergency back-pay in the form of edible food stamps, equivalent to up to 0.00038% of weekly salary.

Despite this, a number of high-ranking Tzynn officials have openly criticized Emperor Sazzeeja’s use of the Liberator, arguing its construction was only ever approved for the total war casus belli, not actual wartime engagements. The Emperor has yet to respond, although in the interim has announced that all dissenters have been placed into indefinite furlough to allow for “a period of undistracted reflection.”

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Spies Demand Equal Employment Opportunities, Creation of Espionage

Spies from across the galaxy have unionized and are demanding both employment opportunities and the creation of espionage more generally.

The new union for secret agents, name and location unknown, issued the demand via encrypted fax to the Galactic UN earlier this morning.

It followed a report from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) which highlighted that record numbers of scientists, rather than spies, are being used for covert infiltration operations on primitive worlds.

“It’s just outrageous, every other career gets representation across the galaxy, from farmers right down to livestock, yet our government doesn’t have the time to invest in espionage,” said Philip Marlowe, a United Nations of Earth (UNE) spy who wished to remain anonymous.

The unnamed union highlighted a number of advantages for employing spies, including:

• Re-appropriation of rivals’ intellectual property and energy credits

• Disablement of enemy military fleets, installations and civilian infrastructure

• Sowing civil unrest, or enforcing stability with unorthodox crime prevention techniques

• Hosting large gala events in subterranean lairs, usually below volcano tile blockers

• Increased success rates in wooing Blorg femme fatales

The spies are demanding the creation of a specialist ‘Spy’ job, an associated planetary building that would ideally include a nice office clouded with cigar smoke on that tile overlooking the East River, universal access to top-secret gadgets, badass hover car chases and comprehensive dental cover.

Marlowe added; “I’ve gone through years of training, espionage, counter-espionage, counter-counter-espionage and a masters degree in cutting eye-holes out of newspapers. It would be a shame to put that to waste.”

The union stated that if its demands were not met within seven days, all spies would covertly go on strike, warning it would cause “unnoticed chaos” in their non-existent jobs.

The Galactic UN confirmed it is considering their request, and as long as no-one on the Interstellar Assembly ‘accidentally’ ends up falling into the secret nest of Rattlings built as a trap below Conference Room 3, they may consider inventing espionage.

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*Article thumbnail and image adapted from original image by Joost Assink under Creative Commons License [https://www.flickr.com/photos/joostassink/2646931062/in/photostream/]