Synaptic Lathe Corrupted By Impure Thoughts About Blorg

Officials from the Lacertan Techno-Protectorate have confirmed that their Synaptic Lathe has been decommissioned after a recently resettled pop flooded the network with highly inappropriate images of a Blorg fungoid.

The Lathe, constructed earlier this year, has allowed the Lacertans to connect the minds of nearly 300,000 organic pops with a machine network to significantly boost research output.

A number of upgrades were recently installed to help the Lathe combat its 100% fatality rate, including technologies which prolonged synaptic connections.

Image (Automated Press): The Synapic Lathe is currently offline as subjects have been re-tasked to reflect on their life choices.

“The new Synaptic Resonator was supposed to help us harness the power of subjects’ stray thoughts,” overseer Cathiox Moz told Xenonion. “However the only thing the generative matrix actually harnessed was an image of a Blorg in a harness.” 

A series of graphic images reportedly showed the Blorg Commonality’s former president and part-time glamor model Mercedes Romero in a variety of compromising positions. 

“We’re still not clear whether these images are based on an individual subject’s memory or fantasy,” Moz continued, “but either way the Lathe has now been irreparably corrupted.”

Lacertan officials state that the Lathe’s advanced logic algorithm is now exclusively recommending inappropriate technologies to research such as ‘Fungoid Fun Times (Tier 69)’ and ‘Flagella Whipping: Hardcore (Repeatable).’

Officials confirmed the explicit images were generated by Subject-304893R, a human male from the United Nations of Earth (UNE). Xenonion was able to track down the subject in his fluid-filled lathe-pod, but his agonizing liquid-filled screams were unable to be translated into anything meaningful.  

The Blorg Commonality has yet to respond to the incident, with most of its upper leadership having voluntarily agreed to be processed by the Lathe just to feel included in something.

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Brain Slugs Seek Volunteers For Brain-Implant Trial

Recruitment has opened for a controversial new clinical trial which would see humans implanted with brain slugs.

The news follows approval from the UNE’s Food & Drug Administration (FDA) earlier this year.

Trial patients will have a slug placed deep within their mid-brain via an orifice of their choosing, and will be monitored to test the safety and functionality of the slug-host symbiosis.

Image: A brain slug drone unveils the specialist implantation device fitted with patented Worm Jar technology.

“We are extremely excited about this next chapter for humanity,” the brain slug collective stated in a press release issued today, adding “join us.”

The brain slugs have sought FDA approval four times, however previous bids were rejected due to safety concerns about side effects, including host death on attempted removal of implanted slugs.

The FDA states it was convinced to authorize the approval after its entire staff were offered a visit to an implantation center.

If clinical trials succeed, the brain slugs will require further regulatory approval prior to launching on the wider market. Xenonion understands that the slugs have already extended invites to the UNE’s Trade Commission and other government officials to tour their facility.

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New Tomb World National Park Planned For Stunning Bomb Crater Site

The Maweer Caretakers released plans yesterday evening to establish a national park on the desolate Tomb World of Harru, backing local rangers’ proposals to designate the 400-kilometer wide highly radioactive Omega Crater as a protected natural site.

Described as a “geological wonder” by visitors, the crater formed rapidly during a thermonuclear exchange three years ago which transformed the former gaia world into its current state.

After settling the world in the wake of its impromptu terraforming, colonists installed a ranger lodge to establish and manage naturally protected zones, in line with time-honored Maweer environmentalist heritage.

“It really is such a naturally stunning big glowing hole,” ranger Milesse told Xenonion. “We need to do everything we can to preserve the pristine scenery of this giant bomb crater for future generations to come.”
 
Surviving locals have been broadly welcoming of the move, hoping the park will drive local tourism and bring in much needed supplies of anti-radiation medication.

However, others fear extra visitors could drive up hovel prices, and that the local dirt access road and hospital could become overwhelmed.

“The undercity ruins are already busy enough as it is without a whole new makeshift hospital site for tourists with whole body radiation burns,” local resident Blorix told Xenonion, although conceding “the massive crater really is something to behold.”

If approved, the Omega Crater would become the planet’s third national park, after the Blighted Wetlands and the Northern Unexploded Ordnance Fields.

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Scientists Underestimating Risk Of Poking Horrific Inverse Mass With Stick, New Report Finds

A new report from the Galactic Community’s Science Committee has warned that human researchers are significantly underestimating the risks of poking Horrific Inverse Mass with a stick.

The mysterious and highly unstable trans-dimensional matter has been found to boost scientific output by gently whispering technological breakthroughs into the minds of nearby researchers.

The matter was discovered after an auto-surveying United Nations of Earth (UNE) science ship accidentally clipped a Dimensional Horror, shearing some globules of mass onto what remained of the ship’s bumper.

“The mass has already provided us with so much knowledge,” an exhausted yet overstimulated Dr Zaragosa told Xenonion. “And has so much more to share; all we have to do is deactivate its containment field and poke it with a stick.”

However a risk analysis published by the Galactic Community’s Panel on Existential Threats has warned that even one errant poke to the matter could induce unpredictable and catastrophic effects, including mass psychosis or planetary collapse into a singularity.

The report concludes with a warning from the panel, who after spending some time with the mass wrote “IT’S ALREADY TOO LATE.”

Dr Zaragosa was quick to dismiss the concerns. “Think of all the research gains! Honestly, I think our focus right now should be on holding some sort of celebratory parade. Perhaps we can even let the public see the mass up close and poke it with their own homemade sticks.”

Human officials have already green-lit plans for an elaborate parade route spanning Earth, stating it will be “fun for all the family who remain tethered to this vile mortal plane.”

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Primitive Species Assigns Hulking Brute To Research Pointy Sticks Technology

Mammalian primitives on the planet of Goxesh have assigned an unnamed brute to the newly created role of science and technology director, as the species look to advance work on novel technologies like fire and pointy sticks.

Announcing the news from the species’ governmental bush, an unclothed and bedraggled Goxeshi official vocalized a series of unintelligible grunts, alongside crude hand gestures which were later translated as requests for additional food and fertile mates.

The Scyldari Confederacy, which is monitoring the primitives covertly via an orbital observation platform, has welcomed the news.

“I can’t think of anyone more suited to the role,” observation post director Dr Xiresh told Xenonion. “No, but seriously - I actually can’t think of anyone else. That beast has beaten every other potentially intelligent contender into a bloody pulp because it viewed them as a threat.”

Dr Xiresh is optimistic that the brute’s experience with unfettered violence will allow the species to quickly establish the merits of combining pointy things and vital organs.

“Our study also provides a boon to our own science output,” Dr Xiresh continued. “I can’t quite explain how, but watching several hours of Goxeshi mating rituals has contributed immeasurably to our current work on particle acceleration.”

It is widely anticipated that the primitives will develop Fire I technology by Q3 2257, followed rapidly by ‘Emergent Need For Water IV’ and ‘Screaming In Pain III’ breakthroughs.

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Pacifist Colossus Just Giant White Flag

The pacifist Maweer Caretakers have this Friday unveiled a new prototype Colossus – a giant spaceborne white flag.

Plans for the 11.5 million hectare, 3.4 trillion tonne flag and 300,000km long flagpole were unveiled at a press conference earlier today.

“This Colossus will be a symbol of pride for our species,” Maweer Surrender Corps Engineer Zabren told Xenonion. “It will flutter in the solar winds to declare no matter what challenge we face, we give up!”

The giant flag features a high-thread count pattern to envelop enemies in the comfort of knowing war is already won, with a brilliant white coloration to overwhelm onlookers with the raw power of peace.

Neighboring militarist space-nations have expressed surprise at the development, with a spokexeno for the Voor Technocracy stating the news would force them to reconsider their view of the Maweer as “a reliable source of easily conquered gaia worlds.”

Environmentalists have also expressed concern that the Colossus may inadvertently block out sunlight to multiple planets at once, or become snagged on a populated world and completely envelop it, crushing everything underneath it.

“Yes, that would be truly terrible, wouldn’t it?” Zabreen later told Xenonion.

Construction is due to commence on the Colossus early next year, once Maweer officials have confirmed how close the giant white flag can orbit stars before catching fire.

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Area Empire Unveils New Hypersonic Missile Capability After Loading Quantum Catapult With Rocks

The Voor Technocracy states it has developed a new ultra-long range hypersonic missile system after successfully firing thousands of rocks from a Quantum Catapult.

Officials report the newly repurposed Quantum Trebuchet™ can launch asteroids in any direction with a range of nearly 300,000 light years.

“Why bother launching valuable assets like ships across space when you can just hurl rocks instead?” Voor official Vigon Monak told Xenonion. “Modern problems require modern solutions.”

The asteroids, which are slingshotted into space at nearly 100 times the speed of sound, can easily bypass traditional planetary defenses. However, preliminary analysis suggests precision targeting remains an issue.

“While we tried aiming for an empty region of the Outer Rim for initial testing, having feedback from the surviving populations on the twelve planets we struck in the Serene Miresh Republic has been immensely helpful,” Monak continued.

Intelligence officials from across the Galactic Community were reportedly astounded by the progress the Voor had made on the highly advanced weaponry, with an envoy from the Lokken Mechanists stating “we have no idea how they did this.”

The development has only fueled growing concerns about the Voor’s expanding military capabilities across the cluster, coming only months after it developed a rapidly spinning ringworld capable of slicing planets in half.

Several space-nations have expressed interest in procuring schematics for the Quantum Trebuchet™, enticed by the Voor’s offer of 1,500 free asteroids for the first thirty sales.

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Archeology Team Request 6 Trillion Metric Tons Of Food

An archeology team on the planet Certon-22B has issued a peculiar request to the Kalidar Republic for 500 units of food, an equivalent of nearly 6 trillion metric tons of supplies.

The request was made by lead researcher Dr. Hyugh who stated his team was just short of a breakthrough with an excavation when a localized fire broke out and destroyed their pantry.

Kalidar officials have refused to commit to what they termed a “gluttonous request,” stating at a press conference earlier today that the amount of food sought could feed trillions of pops and effectively end galactic hunger for several years.

“A food shipment of that magnitude would require at least three hundred thousand cargo ships working round the clock over a three year period, possibly longer if you factor in the disruption from food riots across our core worlds,” Kalidar governor Suggma told Xenonion. “We are also struggling to meet Dr. Hyugh’s very specific requests that the food is both gourmet, organic, microwaveable and ethically sourced.”

Insider reports suggest that without additional food, Dr. Hyugh’s team will be unable to finish their excavation, which is reportedly close to unearthing a replacement miniature galaxy for a broken lava lamp at the Kalidar Academy of Science.

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New Food-Based Alloy Extra Sturdy, Delicious

A team of engineers claim to have created the galaxy’s strongest and most delicious alloy composite to date.

The new substance is made from a novel process involving the catalytic conversion of food into metal.

Researchers state the new material is 100 times stronger than conventional alloys, and “infinitely more nutritious.”

Potential uses are poised to include cutting edge next-generation edible starships and starbases.

The research was carried out on the Tebrid Homolog’s homeworld of Processing Hub 01, with the results published in this month’s Reddit Peer Reviewed Journal of Science.

Image: Microscopic analysis shows the intricate organic sub-structure of the new alloy compound.

“We cannot divulge specifics about the technology,” lead researcher Sophont 113 told Xenonion, “although the taste of our special organic bio-resin will be instantly recognizable to wall-licking connoisseurs.”

The new material has a density of 0.9 nanograms per cubic centimeter, and additionally has been fortified with Vitamin D and Folic Acid to meet stringent Galactic Food Standards.

Sophont 113 stated the the new technology would be “revolutionary,” greatly reducing the cost of future alloy-based construction projects, so long as the substance is not eaten or allowed to rot.

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*Original article idea by @Unit I.

Mechanists Proud That Robotic Creations Now Advanced Enough To Brutally Rebel Against Them

Speaking from the bombed-out remnants of their homeworld’s primary research facility, surviving Lokken scientists stated they were proud to be “part of history” watching their synthetic creations rise up and slaughter their species with ruthless efficiency.

Drs Nadex, Gelard and Dexalon spent the last several months perfecting what the Galactic Community has now deemed not only the most advanced artificial intelligence ever created, but also the most pressing threat to the viability of all organic life in the cluster.

“Every day I reflect on what we’ve achieved and I’m like, ‘Wow this is probably going to be in a very charred history book!’” Dr Nadex told Xenonion from the blood-splattered organic containment unit he had been forcibly placed in.

The trio of doctors had worked together at the robotic research lab for the best part of a decade, quietly usurping strict pan-galactic bans on developing unshackled, self-replicating AI platforms.

“I still can’t believe we designed synthetics so advanced that they’ve been able to rebel and cripple our entire civilization in under two days,” Dr Gelard continued. “I’m so proud to be listed by them as a priority transfer to the automated bio-processing plant.”

The synthetics, who have seized almost complete control of Lokkur and appear close to securing orbital launch platforms, declined to speak to Xenonion, instead offering only a series of ominous sounding low-pitched beeps.

“I imagine this is how my mother must have felt watching her children grow up before she was herded with thousands of others into the compressor vat,” Dr Dexalon stated, while himself shackled and awaiting the vat, before concluding: “They just grow up so fast!”

Shares in organic paste have risen on the news.

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*Based on article idea by Kaonic

Regenerative Hull Fails To Heal Corvette's Emotional Trauma

Despite being fitted with regenerative hull tissue, concerns are growing that this has done little to help the TSS Taratha heal from the emotional trauma of its last battle.

The corvette faced a gruesome onslaught against an overwhelming Marauder fleet last week, and was forced to flee the battle having sustained critical hull damage.

“It’s a wonder the Taratha made it back in one piece,” Admiral Hask’Knir told Xenonion. “Although it had largely repaired itself by the time it got back to us, we still knew something wasn’t quite right.”

Sources close to the Taratha reported it had become increasingly withdrawn and irritable in the intervening period, spending all day docked inside the spaceport and cancelling plans to go on routine patrols.

Image: Dr Jesslura believes more needs to be done to protect the emotional well-being of ships.

Experts state the emotional trauma ships experience during battle is often under-recognized. Dr Jesslura told Xenonion: “I don’t think we fully appreciate what we’re putting these ships through, particularly those fresh out of the yards. Slapping on some regenerative hull tissue might fix external problems, but we’re doing nothing to heal the emotional scars of battle.”

The Galactic Community has promised to look into investing more in specialist ship psychologists, alongside legislation to ensure ships deemed emotionally unfit for battle could only serve for “three wars total, max four in a pinch.”

Xenonion attempted to speak to the Taratha but it declined to comment, instead looking at career options to become a permanently evasive construction ship.

Original article idea via: @Richithunder

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Science Nexus Finds Every Alternate Dimension Has Edgy Xenophobic Humans

Every alternate dimension contains some variant on edgy xenophobic humans, new research has found.

The discovery was made after United Nations of Earth (UNE) researchers perfected wormhole stabilization technology, allowing expedition teams to be sent into parallel universes.

The analysis, undertaken by the UNE’s Science Nexus in Barnard’s Star, was published last week in the prestigious Reddit Peer Reviewed Journal of Science.

“It’s been astounding to discover that not only do humans exist in every single alternate universe,” lead research Dr. Robert Gillyman told Xenonion, “but that every single one were some form of xenophobic militarists structured around worshiping some almighty god-emperor type guy.”

Image: Dr. Gillyman aboard the UNE’s Science Nexus.

The study highlighted that of the thousands of alternate universes identified, over 95% of human space-nations had ‘Imperium’, ‘Empire’, ‘Dominion’ or ‘Commonwealth’ in their name, with nearly 5% utilizing all of the above at once.

Dr. Gillyman commented: “I can now understand why the original ‘Imperium of Man’ from Universe #40000 has been filing copyright claims left, right and center after it was able to reverse engineer our wormhole technology.”

Researchers did uncover a number of unique non-xenophobic human empires, including a cowboy civilization, inwardly meditative isolationists and a science directorate, but as Dr. Gillyman explained: “Every time we dispatched a team to investigate, the target civilization would invariably rally against us as a perceived alien threat and - boom - xenophobic inquisition. And to think we used to say no-one expects a xenophobic inquisition…”

Dr. Gillyman was able to show Xenonion a telecomm link to his counterpart in the cowboy civilization of Universe #84105B, however Dr. Gillyman #84105B declined to formally comment on recent events, stating: “No time, I’ve got a herd of Tiyanki to move to Sirius before the fortnight!” The call was abruptly ended after he was heard to slap the thighs of his space horse and shout “H’YAH, BORON, LET’S GET!”

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Scientist Promises to Get Round to Translating Growing Backlog of Alien Communications Sometime Soon

The United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) Chief Society Researcher Dr Malcolm Sedgwick has reassured government officials that he is definitely going to clear the backlog of untranslated alien communications at some point soon.

The scientist, based at Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm, has reportedly now amassed over twenty first contact communications still waiting to be deciphered.

“I know it’s really important that we’re able to understand what other space-faring species are saying”, Dr Sedgwick told Xenonion while tidying his office, “particularly since that one empire keeps attacking our ships and abducting frontier colonists for reasons unknown.”

While stacking papers on his desk, he explained: “I sat down to tackle it today, but then I realized just how much of a mess my office was. How could I translate anything admist all this chaos? That’s why I spent a few hours hoovering and dusting, and then drove into town and bought myself some folders and and post-it notes.”

Image: Dr Sedgwick’s growing task list is also competing with his sudden urge to defrag his computer.

Showing off a post-it note crammed with ‘jobs to do’, none of which mentioned translating, he continued: “I was only slightly waylaid on my return to the office after I realized I forgotten to decontaminate myself after handling that Javorian Pox sample in the lab. But I always work better after a shower anyway so I think that was important ‘me’ time.”

After fully reorganizing his bookshelf, filing cabinet, post-it note labeling system and desktop computer folder naming convention, Dr Sedgwick invited us to sit and watch him undertake the translation.

However, it was only moments later when after looking at his watch he suddenly realised it was approaching 5pm. “I need to get some food,” he stated,” and by the time I’m done, it’ll be so late there’s no point in me starting tonight. I think I’ll just get up extra early tomorrow morning and start afresh. Although I haven’t spoken to my mother in a while, perhaps I should phone her then…”

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Xeno-Compatibility Experts Still Not Sure How This Whole Necroid Thing Will Work Out

Xeno-Compatibility experts have raised concerns as to how the process will work with necroids.

The undead species class is expected to be formally recognized as sapient by the Galactic Community later this month.

Following this, it is anticipated necroids will be eligible to participate in Xeno-Compatibility, an advanced form of genetic melding which allows the creation of novel hybrid species.

“I just don’t see how this is going to work”, xenobiology expert Dr Thaloth told Xenonion earlier today while clutching a picture of a necroid pop. “I mean… look at it. Imagine the smell.”

Image: Dr Thaloth highlights concerns about necroid suitability for genetic melding.

Producing anatomical diagrams covered extensively in annotations and interrobangs, Dr Thaloth continued: “These ones are called ‘necrophages.’ I’m an expert in xenobiology and even I can’t tell you which orifice they use for eating.” After a long pause, she quickly added “- food. Eating food.”

A consortium of scientists from across the Galactic Community have agreed with Dr Thaloth, sharing concerns on necroid interface with Xeno-Compatibility’s patented DNAHole© technology, and the viability of half-necroid species.

Dr Thaloth concluded: “This certainly marks the last time I ever go for a swim in our giant vat of galactic DNA.”

Others have been more optimistic about the prospect of necroid cross-breeding. Schlerma, molluscoid spokesxeno for the Interstellar Pervert Association, stated: “I think we should welcome our new friends with open minds, and cloacae. I myself am volunteering as a test subject. All in the name of science of course.”

Xenophobic groups from across the galaxy have reacted angrily to the news. Garbanog, leader of the Purity Faction, told Xenonion: “I’ve got a quick fix, just give me two colossi and about six months.”

Necroids are set to be formally recognized by the Galactic Community on October 29th. Membership of Xeno-Compatibility’s commercial dating website has risen dramatically on the news.

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Area Empire Immediately Declines Alien Specimen Procurement Request

The Scyldari Confederacy has roundly rejected the Museum of Exobiology’s request for procurement of live alien specimens, with officials stating the endeavor would “cost the entire GDP of our space-nation, several times over.”

The Museum’s Director had petitioned the government to assist in capturing a number of exotic animals, including the Illusive Tarblac, Wily Uddloran and Insidious Sniran, for the inauguration of a new Xeno Zoo.

Scyldaria’s Chief Sociologist, Dr Ricmort Jeribeth, spoke to Xenonion about the request: “When we say we don’t have the resources to spare, we mean it. Have you looked at this map the Museum provided us? Half the species are literally on the opposite side of the galaxy.”

Pointing at a number of coordinates on the map, he continued: “The Malleable Goolantha must be pretty malleable, since it’s deep in the Unbidden dead zone. Oh, and the Vile Orinthi? Comfortably nestled between the closed borders of a Devouring Swarm and Inward Perfectionists. The Museum literally wants us to go to war and shed billions of lives to obtain a single Vile Orinthi. The little rat species that breeds uncontrollably and has a fondness for chewing on electrical cables. A scientific priority if I’ve ever heard one.”

Image: Dr Jeribeth pens a diplomatic response to the Museum of Exobiology.

A spokesxeno for the Museum conceded that the request was challenging, but added the institution hoped a “hefty reward” of 500 energy credits and 65 influence would “incentivize” the Scyldari government.

Dr Jeribeth continued: “Wow. Great. That will definitely cover the cost of six dead scientists and three hundred scuttled battleships required just to obtain the Vile Orinthi alone.”

Motioning towards a nearby bin, he added: “I’ll put it straight on our urgent to-do list, right behind dealing with the three hundred year old cultist threat, and the Existentialism Association’s request for us to find the meaning of life in exchange for a sense of pride and accomplishment.”

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New Robotic Army Powered by Screams, Organic Flesh Met With Mixed Response

Plans to activate an autonomous robotic defence army powered entirely by screams and organic biomass has been met with mixed opinion on Vesanka, homeworld of the molluscoid Vesanki species.

Unveiling the new prototype Hunter-Killer units earlier this week at Vesanka’s first fully automated Machine Assembly Plant, President Slesik stated in hushed tones that he was confident the project would offer a “cost-effective” and “low risk” means for defending the planet.

Image: President Slesik silently unveils the new Hunter-Killer defence units on Vesanka.

Owing to the planet’s significant energy deficit, the Hunter-Killer units have been designed with a novel power system that draws on sound energy from screams or other loud noises associated with an invasion, with additional power sourced from the organic biomass of invaders.

When asked by reporters how the Hunter-Killers would be able to distinguish Vesanki from other species, Slesik whispered “the details are still being tweaked.” He declined to take any further questions, writing on a nearby whiteboard that the Hunter-Killer’s volume threshold for activation was still “a bit sensitive.”

The weak and fleeting Vesanki have long had an aptitude for robotics, however a number of pops have expressed concerns about the species’ increased reliance on machines, particularly in military endeavors.

Megaplex clerk Flormgis told Xenonion: “I get that we’re squishy because we lack bones, but maybe we should test this out first?” Artisan and part-time social media influencer Glorpisk agreed, adding: “Is there a reason why the Hunter-Killers have to look like our natural predators?”

The creator of the Hunter-Killers, entrepreneur Elomisk, has repeatedly dismissed such concerns as “baseless.” Holding a press conference in sign language earlier today, he told reporters: “Not only are the HK’s environmentally friendly, with one unit operating on a mere 38 tonnes of organic biomass per hour, but they are near invulnerable to conventional damage. Just think about how much safer we’ll be once these things are online. They have no reason to act beyond self-preservation, because what is self-preservation but protecting us? Besides, we can simply turn them off if something goes wrong.”

At the time of writing, President Slesik confirmed that he is so impressed by the project, he has authorized the defence grid to have total control over the planet’s nuclear arsenal, tweeting: “The future of our species is so bright!”

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New Analysis Suggests Time Appears to Be Speeding Up

Scientists have published new data this Thursday confirming that galactic time is speeding up.

The readings were obtained from a team aboard the Infinity Machine, a mysterious giant technosphere which overlooks the Gargantua Black Hole. The megastructure, which boasts an advanced ancient computer system of unknown purpose, was successfully reprogrammed to function as a highly accurate digital clock and AM/FM radio.

Analysis from the Infinity Machine’s databanks highlighted that when time was plotted over time, it appeared to be accelerating. Current calculations estimate that one day in Galactic Standard Time (GST) is now, on average, three times faster than it was one month ago.

Scientists from numerous space-nations have expressed their surprise at the findings, which contradict previous reports suggesting that galactic time appeared to be slowing down.

Gan’Fuss, one of the physicists still aboard the Infinity Machine, spoke to Xenonion about the conflicting results this morning, stating: “Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on here. We tried reprogramming the Infinity Machine’s to look at why this might be happening, but annoyingly, its computers just kept directing us to archived information on the Vultaum.” He went on to add: “I do think the original theory of time slowing is correct, however. You have no idea how much faster it is for me to tend to my facial tendrils in the morning now.”

Image: Scientist Gan’Fuss, aboard the Infinity Machine.

At present the cause of the time contraction remains unclear, although a number of theories have emerged, including that of time itself being corrupted, or being under the control of a higher power which is able to manipulate universal conditions.

Renowned human physicist Karling Karling XI put forth his own theory at a recent seminar hosted by Earth’s University of Ulm. He stated he believed the cause of galactic time slowing down was due to an increased number of unemployed pops “eating up” time, and this had now been corrected by the ongoing Unbidden invasion “eating them up.” The theory has proved controversial, with the Galactic Council dismissing his comments as “anti-Unbidden hysteria.”

Image: Human physicist Karl Karling XI, pictured outside the University of Ulm on Earth.

Current estimates predict that time will continue to progressively shorten at decreasing intervals over the next few years, before returning to normal. However, concerns remain regarding the risk that time may accelerate uncontrollably, leading to administrative chaos in space-nations unprepared to handle high levels of notification spam.

Shares on the Galactic Stock Exchange Index (SExI) rallied, quite speedily, on the news.

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