Feline Empire Demands Border Access, Refuses To Use It Once Granted
NEWS | BLORG COMMONALITY | 16.11.2259
Representatives from the Blorg Commonality have been left baffled after the Felid Star Empire renewed urgent demands for open-border access with the Commonality, only to make no attempt to cross the border once the request was granted.
Blorg officials confirmed they had tracked a Felid fleet waiting by the sole border crossing spanning the two-space nations for several weeks.
“They seemed a bit impatient, constantly approaching the border as if expecting it to open of its own accord,” Blorg official Mary-Kate O’Hara told Xenonion. “We tried to contact them but the admiral answering the comm just stared at us before wandering off-screen without saying a word.”
Moments after the border was officially opened, the Felid fleet briefly advanced before abruptly stopping and returning to its original position. It was then observed to settle into a nearby asteroid belt in a temperate zone next to a star, with engines emitting what observers described as a “low, satisfied purr.”
Blorg officials state this marks the latest in a long series of erratic diplomatic encounters with the Felid, including a joint fleet exercise wherein Felid admirals became distracted by the test firing of XL lasers, and a high-level meeting at the Blorg Presidential Palace where a Felid envoy appeared to deliberately knock a ceremonial vase off a table, then silently watched as staff cleaned the debris.
Xenonion approached a Felid representative for comment, but the attempt was abandoned after the ambassador rolled onto their back in what appeared to be an invitation for a diplomatic pat, only to immediately maul the interviewer’s flagella beyond recognition.
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Galactic Council Vetoes Vote On Vetoing Vetoes
NEWS | INTERSTELLAR ASSEMBLY | 09.11.2259
The Galactic Council yesterday unanimously vetoed a vote on the ability of the Galactic Senate to veto Council vetoes.
“We are committed to maintaining procedural purity,” Chancellor Jeff Jeffpatine stated while addressing the Senate. “By vetoing the vote on vetoing vetoes, we have vetoed all potential confusion.”
The issue came to the fore during the last Senate session, when the Outer Rim Federation scheduled an emergency vote on the ongoing Unbidden Crisis, which the Galactic Council promptly vetoed in favor of proceeding with the scheduled Tiyanki Conservation Initiative. The Senate was thrown into disarray when, breaking with diplomatic norms, the Outer Rim Federation called for a Senate super-majority to veto the Council veto.
Critics warn that the Council’s decision not only sets a precedent for unchecked executive power but also makes for increasingly convoluted layers of vetoes.
“Is a veto still a veto if it’s vetoing a veto?” Blorg representative Marcia Brady asked Xenonion. “This is hurting my mycelial network just to think about.”
Protests have erupted across multiple clusters in response to the news. On Hyperion, demonstrators waved banners outside government buildings reading “Veto the Veto!” Similar scenes played out on war-torn Outer Rim worlds that still maintain intact communications, with citizens holding bloodied placards reading “HELP!”
Legal analysts remain divided. “The Senate will argue that the Galactic Council is operating in a way that prevents Senate decision-making entirely,” Professor Loyer of the Interstellar Legal Policy Institute told Xenonion. “However, the Galactic Council will equally argue that it is operating in a way that prevents Senate decision-making entirely.”
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Frustration As Apocalypse Date Pushed Back Yet Again
NEWS | FERELLIAN MANDATE | 11.10.2259
The Ferellian Mandate has confirmed that the scheduled apocalypse has once again been pushed back to 2260, after three colony worlds were sacrificed to appease the End of the Cycle.
Self-described ‘Endbringers,’ the Ferellians have long promised to destroy this plane of reality by assisting malevolent forces from the Shroud, however the project has stalled multiple times due to budgetary constraints and logistical challenges.
“I was ready to be torn asunder by eldritch entities from beyond the veil,” Zorak Pak, a frustrated Ferellian citizen told Xenonion. “Instead I get to commute into the office tomorrow. To have a meeting with Linda. Linda.”
Speaking before the Galactic Community’s Subcommittee on Existential Affairs, Ferellian representatives apologized for the delay, stating “additional preparations are needed to ensure every system is ready to welcome the Reckoning in the most dramatic and violent way possible. Also, our trade deficit this year was much larger than we anticipated.”
Neighboring space-nations have expressed increasing frustration regarding the shifting date of the reckoning.
“It feels like every other day there’s a warning about the end of the galaxy,” an envoy from the Voor Technocracy told Xenonion. “I’m not surprised the Ferellians are struggling. Everyone with non-Zro addled brain knows the Shroud isn’t real anyway.”
Meanwhile, other apocalyptic sects have offered to help the Ferellians. The Chosen have pledged to cleanse the Outer Rim of all life by 2280, while the Pasharti Absorbers are optimistic their aetherophasic engine network should be online by 2290.
The Subcommittee has since requested the Ferellians submit a revised apocalypse timetable by next quarter, and has warned any further delays could result in a fine levied for every day of wretched continued existence.
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Instrument of Desire Demands Petitioners Stop Playing It
NEWS | THE SHROUD | 22.09.2259
Issuing a rare broadcast across the Shroud, the Instrument of Desire has demanded psionic petitioners cease attempting to play it.
The message, delivered as a deafening, hallucinatory crash to spiritualists across the cluster, also expressly forbade tapping, percussion and use of gong mallets.
“I SAID ATTUNE,” the mystical being harmonized discordantly, “NOT THAT I NEEDED TUNING.”
The Instrument added that anyone attempting physical contact risked banishment to its sister deity, The Recomposer of DNA Strands.
Patrons of the Church of Desire have been quick to place signage at shrines reading “DO NOT TOUCH,” and have pre-emptively added others stating, “NO REQUESTS — ESPECIALLY NOT WONDERWALL.”
PsiTunes, the galaxy’s largest music provider, has pulled any recordings made using the Instrument of Desire, including the popular “Lo-Fi Shroud Beats To Yearn To” playlist, citing “unlicensed resonance.”
Despite the rebuke, the Instrument reiterated it will continue to grant boons to those who can “attune respectfully,” and stated it is looking forward to releasing new longings as an independent patron.
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Mindwarden Enclave Definitely Not Front For Illicit Zro Trade, Spokesxeno States Standing In Giant Zro-Filled Vault
NEWS | MINDWARDEN ENCLAVE | 14.09.2259
A senior representative for the Mindwardens has categorically denied allegations that the Enclave is involved in illicit Zro trafficking while addressing reporters from the center of a giant vault filled with the shimmering psionically active dust.
“The Mindwardens only ask space nations for donations of Zro to ensure our galaxy remains safe against the Shroud,” spokesxeno Szgarfiss told assembled reporters, intermittently pausing to allow the deafening drone of giant automated forklifts moving giant containers of the substance in the background to settle.
“Any suggestion that we somehow became involved in illegally distributing Zro is outlandish and shall be met with swift legal action,” Szgarfiss continued, gesturing to a nearby platoon of highly armed ‘shock-lawyers.’
Use of the highly addictive and euphoria-inducing Zro dust has surged in recent years, and despite a galactic ban on recreational consumption, unregulated production and distribution has become highly profitable for criminal syndicate enterprises.
“We only house most of the galaxy’s known supply of Zro to ensure psionics cannot open further connections with the Shroud,” Szgarfiss continued, again pausing to allow a team of Mindwarden chemists dressed in hazmat suits to pass through and test the purity of a recently offloaded container crate.
“To achieve this goal we needed to build the galaxy’s largest automated space freighter port and have intensive community outreach programs into nightclubs like Chor’s Compass,” Szgarfiss added.
When a reporter from Earth’s UNENN asked why a team of Mindwardens appeared to be packaging Zro into smaller bundles in the corner of the vault, Szgarfiss became visibly agitated, snapping “you wanna play this? OK I’LL PLAY WITH YOU!”
At the time of press reporters were diving for cover as Szgarfiss produced a super-soaker filled with liquid Zro and began spraying the press pool indiscriminately while screaming “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!”
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Giant Floating Eye Woke Up Extra Dry And Crusty This Morning
NEWS | THE SHROUD | 07.09.2259
A giant floating eye has woken up “extra dry and crusty” this morning, Shroud affiliates report.
Literal eyewitnesses said Ziris, an unsettlingly large psionic eyeball, appeared much redder and more encrusted than usual, with particularly squeaky blinks.
“Surely this much gunk can’t be normal?” Ziris telepathically communicated with Shroud reporters. “The worst part is I have to try and blink it out, my tendrils are too small for effective wiping.”
Shroud optometrists have reported a recent spike in visits from big floating eye patients.
“The veil is notoriously dry this time of year with a high Zro count,” eye specialist Dr Fovea told Xenonion. “Pops need to specifically attune for optimal humidity and avoid the bright strobing that comes with looking too hard into the future late at night.”
Health data indicates that giant floating eyes are at much higher risk of developing chronic dryness, particularly if they wear comedically large contact lenses or undertake ultra-high-intensity Gamma-XL LASIK surgery.
“Please, can someone in the material plane give my eye a rub?” Ziris pleaded with reporters. “If I go to the optometrist they’ll do that tonometry air puff thing to check my pressure. It’s scaled by size!”
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Child Appointed UNE Core World Governor
NEWS | UNITED NATIONS OF EARTH (UNE) | 24.08.2259
In a surprise move that has baffled political analysts, three-year-old human toddler Timmy Griffith has become the youngest governor in galactic history.
Following a unanimous confirmation by the United Nations of Earth (UNE) senate in Ulm, Griffith now assumes governorship over Horizon, a key industrial world home to 4.8 billion pops.
Griffith, who spent most of his early career napping, holds advanced qualifications in finger painting. He has been hailed as a “gifted visionary” by UNE President Jeffrey Rossario, who added he had “an unparalleled ability to fit three entire building blocks into his mouth.”
Griffith has already begun introducing sweeping reforms, including extending bedtime hours planet-wide, unlimited iPad time for all citizens and elaborate plans to construct a dinosaur-shaped sandcastle visible from orbit.
Critics have also warned of Griffith’s relative inexperience compared to other UNE governors, such as Dr Alexa Chen (aged six) and admiral Elias Perez (aged eight).
During a recent address to Horizon’s planetary assembly, Griffith burst into tears after officials failed to locate his favorite sippy cup, before aides ushered him off stage, apologizing that he was “overly tired.”
Griffith was also appointed to lead the UNE’s peace delegation with longstanding rivals the Pasharti Absorbers, though talks quickly collapsed after Griffith repeatedly referred to his counterpart as a “big doo-doo head.”
Despite this, Griffith’s popularity remains high among Horizon’s residents. “The last governor had us working overtime,” metallurgist Jonas Pal told Xenonion. “If Griffith follows through on plans for giant fluffy blankies for all, he’s got my support.”
At the time of press, Griffith was seen proudly eating a crayon drawing of Horizon’s budgetary forecast, which one analyst described as an “apt and refreshingly honest representation of the planet’s financial state.”
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Jaded Economists Suggest Simply Giving Up, Starting Galaxy Over
NEWS | SCYLDARI CONFEDERACY | 17.08.2259
A consortium of exhausted economists have published a report this week warning that the galactic economy is “unsalvageable” and have urged area leaders to “take a deep breath and just start over from scratch.”
The report, published by the Galactic Trade Organization (GTO), outlined that over 95% of advanced interstellar economies are currently locked in a “death spiral,” marked by chronic resource shortages, pop unemployment and uncontrolled crime.
“The numbers confirm it, and we’ve run them every possible way,” GTO chief economist Vrosh told Xenonion. “And I can’t even begin to tell you how difficult that was, given this galaxy refuses to use any form of data analysis beyond pie charts.”
The report highlights automated planetary management systems like CybrexCorp’s ‘Sector AI™’ as one of the leading accelerants of the crisis.
“Governors think tools like Sector AI™ helps them make smarter decisions,” Vrosh continued. “After seeing yet another pristine agri-world paved over exclusively with entertainment districts, you can see why I disagree.”
Several space-nations have disputed the findings. The Iferyxi Conglomerate, which is currently running a -5k trade deficit while importing its entire food supply, claimed the crisis could be easily solved by repeatedly declaring bankruptcy.
Similarly Commonwealth of Man (CoM) officials stated they had managed to stabilize their economy through “human ingenuity.” Officials later refused to comment on a subsequent raid by heavily armored GalPol ‘Ironman’ accountants, who were reportedly tipped off about illegal console command resource trading.
Other empires have welcomed the the economists’ conclusions. A representative for the Pasharti Absorbers told Xenonion; “we’ve been planning to end the galaxy for some time anyway. Originally that was just for the fun of ending all sapient life, but we can also see the appeal of fixing the -12k alloy deficit we’re currently drowning in.”
Economists have been dismissive of other proposed solutions, including the spiritualist-led ‘Let The Shroud Provide’ initiative, or the United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) plan to simply never look at the resource tab ever again.
At the time of press, over 58 space-nations were reported to have fully reset this week. The GTO states that number is likely to rise significantly next week, when younger space-nations are expected to be hit with a series of cultist events.
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Strategic Coordination Center Repurposed To Host Massive Universe Universalis LAN Party
NEWS | UNITED NATIONS OF EARTH (UNE) | 02.08.2259
What was once the nerve center of the United Nation of Earth’s (UNE’s) sprawling military-industrial complex is now home to something even more ambitious: a 300,000-player LAN party for Universe Universalis enthusiasts.
Human officials confirmed this week that the Strategic Coordination Center, a colossal megastructure originally designed to coordinate UNE fleet deployments, has been fully repurposed into the “galaxy’s largest dedicated gaming venue.”
The transformation includes giant tactical screens re-utilized to project game maps, military-grade computers redirected to enhance in-game AI behaviour and a team of 50,000 cybersecurity analysts reassigned to fix desync bugs.
“We realized we haven’t used the Strategic Coordination Center for actual military planning in about 30 years,” UNE rear-admiral Brian Murchad told Xenonion. “Once we’d established dominance over our cluster, there wasn’t much left to strategically coordinate. But we realized we still really like painting maps different colors.”
The Strategic Coordination Center is now drawing players from across the galaxy with the launch of a massive LAN campaign of Universe Universalis, the wildly popular grand strategy simulation by human publisher Parabox Interactive.
“We figured the Strategic Coordination Center would become the Grand Strategic Game Coordination Center,” Murchad continued. “Also, the DEFCON-1 command room just feels so perfect for micromanaging internal politics in 16th-century Burgundy.”
Critics have warned that the Strategic Coordination Center was not designed to handle such intense high-volume computer activity. Organizers state they are confident infrastructure can handle demand, and contingency plans are in place to tow the megastructure to be plugged into a nearby Dyson Sphere or Synaptic Lathe.
Others have raised concerns about potential security risks after a Blorg player accidentally launched a real UNE fleet during a co-op match, resulting in apocalyptic orbital bombardment of France. Officials from the DEFCON-1 command room have applauded the move on behalf of Burgundy.
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Species That Doesn’t Wear Clothes Awkwardly Attends Federation Meeting
NEWS | THELMAR UNION | 12.07.2259
Report by Ashley Easterbrook, Xenonion | ⏱︎ 5 minute read
The Just Alliance’s first federation meeting following the admission of the Bwauki Republic was abruptly adjourned yesterday, after it emerged the avian species doesn’t wear any clothes.
The meeting had been set to focus on the construction of a new joint federation fleet, but proceedings quickly derailed after delegates became distracted by what one witness described as “a frankly astonishing number of cloaca.”
“Diversity is key tenet of any galactic partnership,” pointedly-clothed Just Alliance representative Slig told Xenonion. “But no-one needs to see that while mingling over breakfast pastries.”
Insiders report that Bwauki ascension to the federation had been fast-tracked based on a digital application wherein photos of the species were tastefully cropped at the torso.
Chaos erupted during the first meeting when a Bwauki representative stood to deliver a passionate speech on taxation reform with his reproductive organs gyrating vigorously in tandem. Several delegates retched, while one arthropod visibly shed their outer carapace in distress.
Security forces intervened and attempted to drape federation banners over the confused Bwauki, before escorting them to a side chamber and adjourning the meeting.
At the time of press, representative Slig confirmed that while the federation remains committed to receiving the Bwauki’s alloys for fleet construction, all future diplomatic engagements will be conducted virtually, or if in person “with a tasteful screen and some strategically placed large ferns.”
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Space Station Crew Disorientated After Repeatedly Switching Sides During War
NEWS | YANTUAN REPUBLIC | 04.07.2259
Report by Ashley Easterbrook, Xenonion | ⏱︎ 5 minute read
Crew aboard the embattled ISS Dantor have issued a repeated request for clarity on ownership after the space station changed hands seventeen times in the last week.
The station, originally belonging to the Yantunan Republic, has been at the center of a major conflict between the neighboring Tyznn and Voor Empires, both of which have also declared war on the Yantunan.
Since the conflict first began, the Dantor has been captured, liberated, re-captured and re-liberated in rapid succession, leaving its crew scrambling to keep up with who is currently in charge.
“I honestly couldn’t even tell you who we’re working for anymore,” station commander Lin Varis told Xenonion, standing next to a hastily repainted Yantunan insignia. “It seems like every hour someone new storms in and tells us we’re part of the resistance, the liberation or the resistance to the liberation. I just salute to whoever yells the loudest.”
Varis explained that the crew were having to work overtime to constantly replace faction iconography like flags and allegiance banners, leaving little time to repair the station’s rapidly deteriorating hull integrity.
“It’s a dizzying process,” Varis continued. “We’re all a bit emotionally stunned. And I guess physically too, particularly when the Voor take control as they have these horrible shock batons.”
Eyewitnesses describe the station’s corridors as a chaotic mess of burning banners, vandalized propaganda posters and confused crew members frantically trying to anticipate which color-coded uniform they should change into next.
At the time of publication, field reporters aboard the Xenonion’s news titan also declared war on the Yantunan and have assumed control of the station to allow for ease of access to continue reporting from the scene.
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Pre-FTL Civilization Faces ‘Once-In-A-Millennium’ Asteroid Impact For Fifth Time This Month
Early space-age pops on the planet of Aldarax are bracing for yet another ‘once-in-a-millennium’ asteroid impact, the fifth occurrence in as many weeks.
The asteroid, named OR-9376E, was spotted tracking towards the home-world of the pre-spaceflight civilization early this morning. This comes only hours after another asteroid which had been tracking towards Aldarax, OR-9376D, was accidentally engaged and destroyed by a passing voidworm troika.
“This is completely unprecedented,” Dr Crystal Fernandez, a Blorg researcher stationed in orbit above Aldarax told Xenonion. “Our forecast models suggest this kind of event should only happen once every 40,000 years, not every 168 hours.”
OR-9376E is one of sixteen asteroids across the local cluster that are currently hurtling exclusively towards the home-worlds of species that have not yet attained faster-than-light (FTL) spaceflight.
“It’s really unusual that not a single asteroid has struck or even tracked towards a planet belonging to a post-FTL civilization in the last 200 years,” Dr Fernandez continued, before joking: “There’s an asteroid belt somewhere out there in deep space holding a serious grudge against primitive species.”
Several galactic powers that have survived the transition to spaceflight have called on the Galactic Community to launch an asteroid defense initiative for pre-FTL species. When pressed for comment, Galactic Community representative Glaxor simply shrugged, sighed and stated “it must be Wednesday.”
Galaxy Starts Paying For Trade With Trade
The Galactic Market has officially phased out the long-standing use of Energy Credits as a universal currency, replacing it with a new resource known simply as ‘trade.’
The change follows the Galactic Community’s attempts to streamline economic activity by removing the concept of ‘currency,’ which has been described as “too abstract” by a leading aquatic think-tank.
Following the transition, space-nations and individuals alike must now complete transactions with their interpretation of what a unit of trade entails.
“It’s been a challenge,” barista John Costa-Pret told Xenonion. “Customers are just giving me blank looks when I ask them to pay for their cup of zroffee with 0.000086 of a container ship containing a trade good of their choosing. One human tried to pay me with ‘vibes’ alone. I accepted, as the vibe was pretty strong.”
The galaxy’s major economies are scrambling to adapt to the change, repurposing trade fleets to haul both intangible goods like ‘cross-platform engagement’ alongside more traditional consumer goods like Blorg body-pillows and scented candles.
The Galactic Community states the new system will stabilize once someone figures out what ‘trade’ actually is and how to store it. In the meantime, citizens are advised to carry at least one container ship containing 6.8 tonnes of alloys, 300,000 assorted fridge magnets and a bard to explain the emotional value of the payment at all times.
Census Office Apologizes After ‘Small Rounding Error’ Causes Population Undercount By Trillions
The Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) has issued a formal apology after it emerged their census department grossly underestimated galactic population figures by a margin of several trillion.
The mistake surfaced following a recent update of census systems, with officials discovering that each planetary ‘pop’, the unit long used as the standard metric for demographic tracking, had been mistakenly undercounted.
“We had always operated on the assumption that one pop equaled, like, maybe a billion citizens,” GtFO representative Zarnax told a Galactic Community Committee today. “Turns out we just missed about two zeros off. Classic mistake.”
The revision means that worlds such as Hyperion Prime, previously thought to have 80 pops, is now home to upwards of 8,000 pops. However, the exact implications of this is unclear at present.
“It’s difficult because despite using our most powerful statistical tools, we’re still unable to calculate what one pop represented to begin with,” Zarnax continued. “All we know is there’s now significantly more of them, and they’re all somehow unemployed and demanding consumer goods.”
The miscount has also triggered uncertainty on galactic markets, with the Space Exchange Index (SExI) down either 300 or 30,000 points, depending on what your interpretation of a singular ‘point’ equals.
Concern Gaia Terraforming Setting Unrealistic Beauty Standards For Young Planets
A new study has warned that the proliferation of Gaia World terraforming is creating “unrealistic and damaging beauty standards” for young planets.
The report, published this week in the Reddit Journal of Peer Reviewed Science, found that over 80% of developing Class-M planets now feel “inadequate” when compared to lush, geologically engineered peers.
“Impressionable molten-core planets are bombarded with images of flawless Gaia Worlds boasting temperate climates and tectonic symmetry,” engineer Varr’Ruk told Xenonion. “This is being internalized as a standard, to the point where perfectly natural tile-blockers are now considered shameful.”
Pro-terraforming factions have criticized the report, stating Gaia Worlds are “aspirational, not mandatory,” with a spokes-xeno stating that any planet can “easily achieve perfection” with “just a few hundred years, several trillion energy credits and the complete erasure of their native biosphere.”
“It’s completely unacceptable,” Var’Rukk continued. “How would you feel if someone labelled you ‘60% habitable’ instead of ‘gorgeous’?”
Viral posts on social media have emerged encouraging young planets to embrace their natural features. One post on Instagram showed a picture of an arid planet captioned: “I may not be 100% habitable, but I am 100% enough #LoveYourCrust.”
The Galactic Senate is currently considering a proposal which would see imagery of beautiful planets labelled with mandatory disclaimers clarifying that results may have been achieved by artificial terraforming.
Galactic Stock Market Plummets, Literally
The Galactic Stock Market plunged on Monday, both in economic indices and orbital trajectory, after the space-station housing the financial institution clipped an asteroid.
The composite Space Exchange Index (SExI) plummeted 38% and nearly 160,000ft as the trading floor fell out of orbit, the steepest fall ever recorded.
It remains unclear how the galaxy’s most important financial hub was allowed to drift so close to an asteroid field, although some have suggested the disaster was a consequence of the Galactic Community awarding hosting rights to the Saiiban Hive Mind, an economic backwater with limited system development.
Hundreds of hedge fund investors reportedly tried to short shares in the station itself mid-descent, only to be crushed by falling risk analysis mainframes.
“It’s unprecedented,” panicked stockbroker Irgon Mok told Xenonion from his escape pod slowly drifting into the void. “Investors were bracing for a hit to quarterly earnings, not the hull.”
Market futures signaled further losses in solvency and altitude are expected when trading resumes in the remaining pressurized sections of the station.
Galactic regulators state they have announced emergency measures, including lowering the ceiling and floor limit on stock purchases, and ensuring those same ceilings and floors are alloy-reinforced in any future space station construction.
Fully Developed Space-Nation Has 38 Idle Construction Ships On Standby, Just Because
New figures from the Scyldari government confirm that the space-nation is currently maintaining a fleet of 38 fully operational construction ships, despite having absolutely nothing left to build.
The Scyldari Confederacy, a sprawling interstellar power which dominates the local cluster, has built outposts in all available territory, strip-mined every asteroid belt within its borders and constructed every possible megastructure.
Despite this, Scyldari shipyards have continued to greenlight the production of new construction vessels. The surplus ships typically pool around shipyards, floating aimlessly while awaiting orders that never seem to come.
“We have zero need for more construction ships,” Scyldari admiral Xol’Rix told Xenonion. “I’m trying to petition central government to decommission all but one or two, but colleagues on the Shipwright Committee just keep laughing maniacally at me. It’s actually quite unsettling.”
When asked for an official statement by Xenonion, Chief Shipwright Xor’Ger hissed and darted into a nearby ventilation duct. After finally being cornered by a heavily armored reporting unit, he growled “you fools think we’ve built everything possible… but what if we haven’t!?” Xor’Ger proceeded to draw a crude diagram of a ‘construction-ship colossus’ in his own blood before scurrying off into the darkness cackling about “expanding the meta.”
At the time of press Scyldari officials state they are currently debating plans to allow construction ships to construct new construction ships in space, without the use of a shipyard.
Federation Of Xenophobes Awkwardly Unite In Their Hatred Of Each Other
There were muted celebrations yesterday as diplomats from several staunchly xenophobic empires came together, while standing as far apart as possible, to mark the formation of a new federation dedicated to their shared values of mutual loathing.
The ‘Purity Union’, spearheaded by the Xanid Suzerainty, includes other notoriously belligerent space-nations like the Graparx Stalkers, Basidrix Eccelsia and Commonwealth of Man.
Speaking to an audience of visibly disgusted federation delegates, Xanid president Huketkin reaffirmed his view that every non-Xanid was a “repugnant mistake of evolution that should be eradicated” but added there was “a clear strategic benefit in cooperating to wipe each other out more efficiency.”
To commemorate the occasion, the Purity Union held a grand military parade, which promptly descended into chaos when each fleet mistook their allies' ships for incoming alien hordes and opened fire. Huketkin later declared the significant loss of federation naval power as a “successful first step in showing what can be achieved when we pool our deeply ingrained paranoia together.”
The first formal federation meeting is scheduled for next week, although already faces challenges with envoys refusing to speak in any language but their own or eat food not exclusively prepared by their own species. The Graparx are also protesting a “disproportionate” ban on bringing flamethrowers to “cleanse xeno scum” during upcoming diplomatic engagements.
Political analysts warn that the Purity Union risks collapse within months unless an even more nauseating federation of alien xenophiles emerges, which may focus the xenophobes’ attention elsewhere for a short period of time.
At the time of press Xenonion remains awaiting confirmation on its request for associate status with the Purity Union.
UNE President Announces Plans To Tariff Neighbors, Whatever That Means
President Jeffrey Rossario announced sweeping new “trade tariffs” on the UNE’s largest trading partners, only to be told by his advisors that no such economic action exists.
Addressing reporters at a press conference in Ulm yesterday, Rossario railed against what he termed “exploitative” trade practices of the Scyldari and Blorg space-nations. “They constantly want our alloys for ‘favors.’ I’m starting to think it’s a scam.”
The announcement was met with confused silence, before a junior government economist awkwardly raised their hand to explain that the UNE had no legal, practical or even theoretical way to implement tariffs because no-one in the galaxy knew what they were.
“Rossario forgets that the galactic economy works in ways we cannot even begin to comprehend,” economist Glurg told Xenonion. “Resources materialize on the galactic market from thin air and are sold at hidden exchange rates. On economic decisions governments have two options: buying or selling. That’s it.”
Rossario was quick to pivot, asking reporters and his staff “well, we can just blockade their trade routes, right?”
The same junior economic advisor was later spotted being escorted out of the executive building, pale and visibly shaken.
At the time of writing, Rossario has taken to social media and written several rambling posts accusing his aides of conspiring against him to hide the ‘enact tariff’ button and accusing Canada of being in the pocket of ‘Big Trade.’
Commonwealth Dictator Faces Criticism After Temporarily Suspending Martial Law
Commonwealth of Man (CoM) dictator Sidney Beauclair has reimposed martial law across the region only hours after suspending it, bending to intense pressure from her unelected military council.
Beauclair, who is likely to be court-martialed over her actions, lifted a longstanding martial law late Tuesday night, citing frustration with military opposition to her plans to extend basic rights to Commonwealth citizens.
Elite military units were seen storming Beauclair’s residence following a unanimous vote by the Commonwealth’s military council to overrule her, with martial law being reinstated after about six hours.
Council representative General Simms called Beauclair’s decision “borderline egalitarian” and stated he and colleagues “had to act swiftly to prevent a civilian-rule power-grab.”
Thousands of pre-approved protestors gathered across Unity’s one heavily surveilled public square, voicing their support for military personnel who just happened to be their relatives.
Beauclair’s surprising move harkened back to an era of democracy that the Commonwealth has not seen since formally ceding from the United Nations of Earth (UNE) in 2201, and was immediately denounced by all those with clearance to speak publicly.
At present, Beauclair’s whereabouts are unknown. Council officials state she could face a closed military trial as early as tonight, with impeachment being a strong possibility.
“Peaches are native to Unity and symbolic to the Commonwealth,” Simms explained to Xenonion, “so it’s only fitting we punish traitors by crushing them to death in a giant vat of peaches.”
Authoritarian allies have also expressed concern at recent developments. The Voor Technocracy states it is watching developments closely, and has called for restraint on all sides of unwilling civilians.
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