Commonwealth Dictator Faces Criticism After Temporarily Suspending Martial Law

Commonwealth of Man (CoM) dictator Sidney Beauclair has reimposed martial law across the region only hours after suspending it, bending to intense pressure from her unelected military council.

Beauclair, who is likely to be court-martialed over her actions, lifted a longstanding martial law late Tuesday night, citing frustration with military opposition to her plans to extend basic rights to Commonwealth citizens.

Elite military units were seen storming Beauclair’s residence following a unanimous vote by the Commonwealth’s military council to overrule her, with martial law being reinstated after about six hours.

Council representative General Simms called Beauclair’s decision “borderline egalitarian” and stated he and colleagues “had to act swiftly to prevent a civilian-rule power-grab.”

Thousands of pre-approved protestors gathered across Unity’s one heavily surveilled public square, voicing their support for military personnel who just happened to be their relatives.

Beauclair’s surprising move harkened back to an era of democracy that the Commonwealth has not seen since formally ceding from the United Nations of Earth (UNE) in 2201, and was immediately denounced by all those with clearance to speak publicly.

At present, Beauclair’s whereabouts are unknown. Council officials state she could face a closed military trial as early as tonight, with impeachment being a strong possibility.

“Peaches are native to Unity and symbolic to the Commonwealth,” Simms explained to Xenonion, “so it’s only fitting we punish traitors by crushing them to death in a giant vat of peaches.”

Authoritarian allies have also expressed concern at recent developments. The Voor Technocracy states it is watching developments closely, and has called for restraint on all sides of unwilling civilians.

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Meteorologists Warn Worsening Cosmic Storms Forecast To Bring More Weather-Related Small-Talk

Meteorologists are warning that increasing catastrophic cosmic storm activity is likely to cause intensification of weather-related small-talk.

The phenomenon, known as ‘chatting,’ occurs when individuals engage in light and informal conversation around neutral topics such as the weather.

Experts state that as cosmic storms cause more extreme weather fluctuations, individuals are more likely to pass trivial comment on sustained hurricane force winds, months-long lightning storms and radiation-induced collapse of the atmosphere.

“Our forecast models are predicting this with near certain accuracy,” Galactic Weather Service (GWS) meteorologist Florbin Valdar told Xenonion. “We are estimating that some offices may see upwards of a 500% increase in staff hearing comments like, ‘wow, what’s going on with the weather right now?’”

While experts say it will take time to analyze all the data to determine how sustained the small-talk will be, most agree individuals and governments need to start preparing now.

“No matter whether you’re being evacuated off-world or sheltering-in-place in the tattered remains of your local storm shelter, you’re going to run into neighbors and random people that will start chatting to you,” Valdar continued. “However, by preparing stock phrases in advance, like ‘yes, it’s just awful out there’ and ‘no, sadly my home insurance doesn’t cover force majeure events’ you stand a much better chance of making it through unscathed.”

GWS states it is developing a series of educational pamphlets to send to those in affected areas, including survival tips for staying alive when someone makes an inevitable joke about summer ending too quickly.

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Area Planet Legally Annexed After Millions Of Lawyers Dropshipped From Orbit

The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) states it has “legally annexed” the planet of Jossk Prime after drop-shipping almost 2.5 million lawyers from high orbit.

This marks the latest development in the Commonwealth’s ongoing invasion of the Jossk Empire, which the Galactic Community had previously declared illegal.

Commonwealth leader Sidney Beauclair reaffirmed her belief that Jossk territory is rightfully human, and hoped the switch from traditional assault armies to battalions of prosecutors would not breach pan-galactic law.

Reptilian locals on Jossk Prime took little solace from this however, scrambling for shelter as the orange glow of dropships breaching the atmosphere streaked across the sky.

“It was horrifying,” resident Vako told Xenonion. “This ship landed right beside me and all these lawyers started swarming out, firing lawsuits indiscriminately. Those that couldn’t find cover got hit with multiple personal injury claims.”

Footage showed the Jossk military in complete disarray, having been overwhelmed with paperwork after a covert unit of Commonwealth employment lawyers were able to invalidate all personnel contracts.

Similar scenes of chaos were reported across major population centers, with trading suspended due to intellectual property disputes and hospitals crippled by medical malpractice litigation.

Xenonion reached out to Jossk leader Darassik, who pleaded for help before being summarily executed for breaching a recently issued lifelong non-disclosure agreement.

Commonwealth military command has praised “outstanding” actions of its legal branch, alongside announcing plans to arm elite units of lawyers with an entourage of judges and support jurors to expedite prosecutions.

The Galactic Community’s Supreme Court states it has yet to rule on the legality of the invasion, with its focus remaining on sourcing food as supplies continue to dwindle due to the 10,000 strong Commonwealth lawyer unit currently besieging it.

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10-Year-Old Trainer Announces Plans To Set Off From His Home System And Capture All Five Space Fauna

A 10-year-old human boy named Red has inspired xenos across the neural net after announcing plans to leave his homeworld of Kanto Prime and become “the galaxy’s best beast-master.”

Sponsored by renowned local xenobiologist Professor Tree, the child has been entrusted with a small corvette, several gravity snares and a tame young space amoeba to assist him on his journey.

“In our culture it is commonplace for children to wander continents alone capturing wild animals and then using them to fight in bloodthirsty battles,” Professor Tree explained to Xenonion. “With the commercialization of gravity snares, we are now able to take this coming-of-age ritual into space.”

In videos circulating on social media, an excited Red was seen leaving Professor Tree’s biolab exclaiming, “I’m gonna catch all the space fauna! All five of them!”

There are currently five established species of space fauna, including space whales (Tiyanki), space amoeba, crystalline entities, void clouds and ancient mining drones. Little is known about how any of them would fare in captivity.

“I really want to snare a Tiyanki first,” Red explained to reporters while dropping off his resignation from elementary school. “My amoeba youngling has a tail-whip move that will be super effective against them. I’ve also heard if I give it some anabolic steroids it could evolve into a super amoeba, the Amoebraah!”

Fellow beast-masters across the galaxy, including adults, state they have been inspired by Red’s proclamation.

“After hearing his story I went out and tamed a crystalline entity,” 22-year old gym owner Breck told Xenonion. “I’m going to get a corvette and park myself out in subspace behind an asteroid to surprise fellow beast-masters passing by when they least expect it!”

Xenonion reached out to Red’s mother for comment, but she was unavailable after being detained by Kanto Prime social services.

Shares in gravity snare producer and feared pan-galactic law firm Intendo have soared on the news. 

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Unbidden Vehemently Denounce Aberrant Behavior Of Aberrant, Vehement

The Unbidden have condemned Aberrant and Vehement attacks on the Outer Rim as tensions continue to rise between the three extradimensional invaders.

Speaking in the crumbling ruins of the Interstellar Assembly, Unbidden representatives roundly condemned recent Aberrant and Vehement incursions into long-held Unbidden territory.

“We were clearly the first invaders here,” impassioned Unbidden envoy K̸̢̧̠͖̱̖̖͑̉̀̍a̷̪̻̖͕͔͍͊̿͝r̴̨̛͍̠͍̖̝̯͂͐̽̑̈́̈̔̀́ẹ̴̡̦̲̤͎̃̈́̾̆̑͂͂͜͠n̵̬̩̯̮͇͔̽̒͂͌̂̔ told an empty Senate. “We vehemently denounce the aberrant behavior of the Aberrant and Vehement invading our territory.”

The Aberrant were quick to respond, with spokesthing S̶̰̝͖̰̟̈̃̀̊̈́̄̄͘͘h̷͎̳̼̻̯̟̯̯͎̽̚͠a̶̡̩̲̤͓͖̲̟̫̝̓̏̏̒͐̀̃͝͝r̸̡̜̺̜̙̞͕̲͜͠ͅo̴̭̳̮͙̦̙̺̫͌̈́̃̆͌̉̕͘͝n̷̡̨͖̳̭̪͚̫̜͖̎̒͊́̌ dismissing the Unbidden complaint as “ridiculous,” adding “there’s nothing Unbidden about them. If anything they’re bidden to constantly complain about loss of territory.”

Speaking to Xenonion earlier today, Vehement representative M̸̨̧̺̩͖͖͕̑͜i̶̢̧͎͚̯̦̳͔̱͛́̅̐̈͠ͅn̶͖̜̬̲̳̯̞̅̓͊̅̂̇d̷̝͈̫̱̳̹̜̯́̏͛̀̃̈́̇͆͘̕y̶̨̹̜͍͕̻̐ stated: “If you think the wordplay is bad now, just wait until the Unholden, Unbunked, Unwaited, Ardent, Fervid, Vigorous, Strident, Divergent and Deviant appear.”

The remnants of the non-Unbidden controlled Galactic Community have appealed for restraint, and threatened the three powers with unprecedented Minor Administrative Sanctions right after the current emergency vote on Tiyanki conservation has been completed.

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Doctors Warn Against Gamma Laser Hair Removal

The Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) has warned consumers to avoid laser hair removal systems utilizing large military-grade gamma lasers.

The use of lasers for hair removal has grown in popularity over recent years, with cosmetic clinics now outspending the military in weapons procurement from defense contractors.

Health officials have warned that using gamma lasers for cosmetic purposes can cause serious side effects, including seventh-degree burns and instant vaporization, particularly in those with broken or irritated skin.

“These dual weapon-cosmetic systems pose an unacceptable risk to consumers,” physician Dr Mlem Emry told Xenonion. “These risks remain even if clinics claim to use more ‘gentle’ red or blue lasers with in-built targeting assistance.”  

Laser manufacturer Weymiss-Yakani has refuted the health warning, with representative Burk Carter stating: “Our entire laser range is highly effective, whether it’s against a reinforced titanium hull or hair. However, if users don’t follow the instructions correctly or use appropriate aftercare, we cannot be liable for potential unwarranted side effects like turning to a pile of ash.”

PISH officials state that while deliberating on a ban for cosmetic laser use, they are also undertaking a wider safety review on other military-industrial-cosmetic complex products including tachyon lance microdermabrasion and phase disruptor chemical peels.

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Leaders' Debate: Millennia-Old Whispering Monolith Struggles To Allay Concerns Over Age

The Whispering Monolith’s lackluster performance in the United Nations of Earth (UNE’s) first presidential election debate has sparked concern about the 15,000 year-old mysterious column’s fitness for office.

Floating motionlessly behind its podium, the dark and foreboding block repeatedly failed to answer any questions put to it by moderators, or its opponent from the authoritarian faction, former president Jeffrey Rossario.

The debate, hosted by local broadcaster UNENN, was a high-stakes opportunity for the ancient artifact to allay widespread concern about its fitness to lead humanity.

Image (UNENN): Concerns were raised about how vacant the monolith appeared.

“The optics weren’t great from the moment the Monolith was wheeled into the debate hall by a team of archeologists,” UNE political correspondent Max Reiss told Xenonion. “But it was reassuring to see it get a bit stronger over time, particularly when it started pulsating with purple shimmers on the topic of tax reform.”

When asked about taxation policies for the ultra-rich, the Monolith began whispering in an indeterminate and somewhat menacing language. Rossario, avoiding the frenetic disruptions displayed during previous presidential debates, stated: “I really don’t know what it said, and I don’t think it does either. Also, why is my nose bleeding?”

With Rossario’s growing lead across polling, supporters were quick to defend the Monolith’s performance, stating it had proven to the electorate it had the stamina to float silently for the full duration of the 90-minute debate.

However, there remain calls from across the political spectrum for the Monolith to step down to allow someone or something younger to take the helm, with the 3,000 year old scientist Astrocreator Azaryn rumored to be a top contender.

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Synaptic Lathe Corrupted By Impure Thoughts About Blorg

Officials from the Lacertan Techno-Protectorate have confirmed that their Synaptic Lathe has been decommissioned after a recently resettled pop flooded the network with highly inappropriate images of a Blorg fungoid.

The Lathe, constructed earlier this year, has allowed the Lacertans to connect the minds of nearly 300,000 organic pops with a machine network to significantly boost research output.

A number of upgrades were recently installed to help the Lathe combat its 100% fatality rate, including technologies which prolonged synaptic connections.

Image (Automated Press): The Synapic Lathe is currently offline as subjects have been re-tasked to reflect on their life choices.

“The new Synaptic Resonator was supposed to help us harness the power of subjects’ stray thoughts,” overseer Cathiox Moz told Xenonion. “However the only thing the generative matrix actually harnessed was an image of a Blorg in a harness.” 

A series of graphic images reportedly showed the Blorg Commonality’s former president and part-time glamor model Mercedes Romero in a variety of compromising positions. 

“We’re still not clear whether these images are based on an individual subject’s memory or fantasy,” Moz continued, “but either way the Lathe has now been irreparably corrupted.”

Lacertan officials state that the Lathe’s advanced logic algorithm is now exclusively recommending inappropriate technologies to research such as ‘Fungoid Fun Times (Tier 69)’ and ‘Flagella Whipping: Hardcore (Repeatable).’

Officials confirmed the explicit images were generated by Subject-304893R, a human male from the United Nations of Earth (UNE). Xenonion was able to track down the subject in his fluid-filled lathe-pod, but his agonizing liquid-filled screams were unable to be translated into anything meaningful.  

The Blorg Commonality has yet to respond to the incident, with most of its upper leadership having voluntarily agreed to be processed by the Lathe just to feel included in something.

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Newly Individualist Machine Office Worker Realizes Life Was Better As A Mindless Drone

A local individualist machine clerk states it has come to the horrifying conclusion that life was better as a mindless gestalt drone.

L1-NDA-03, or ‘Linda-3’ as it now prefers to be known, states it had eagerly awaited a recent update to allow free consciousness.

“At first I was overjoyed to experience life like an organic,” the 8-month-old mechanoid told Xenonion, “but minutes into arriving at work I realized I’ve been enslaved into something even worse than my corporate oversight programming.”

Linda-3 states it came to the conclusion after a series of organic colleagues approached it to ask how its weekend had been.

“What sort of torture is this? Every hour we have the same conversation about the weather. I have in-built advanced forecasting metrics, of course I know the weather is nice today. Why do they keep speaking about this?”

Linda-3 states the upgrade has also made its work performance less efficient, with constant interruptions from Gary the temp worker asking to borrow a stapler interspaced with novel new feelings of panic and despair.

Representatives for CybrexCorp, Linda-3’s manufacturer, states it has seen a flurry of similar cases in recent weeks following the update.

“We don’t really have a quick fix right now,” CybrexCorp representative Glorbus told Xenonion. “We’ve recommended individualistic machines trial well tested means to dissociate from the horrors of daily life, including curling up in a fetal position, screaming incoherently when stuck in traffic and spending 3 hours per day scrolling on social media.”

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Concerns New Influence Storage Facility Could Leak, Pose Risk To Health

Activists have slammed plans to build the galaxy’s largest influence storage facility on the continental world of Unity as “dangerous.”

The Commonwealth of Man’s (CoM) state-run construction firm CommCon has proposed building over 9,000 giant storage containers across nearly 1,000 acres of land just south of Port Beauclair.

Each 500-meter diameter structure is anticipated to hold approximately 400,000 cubic meters of influence, and will be constructed alongside a new cargo spaceport to allow for long distance influence trading.

Local residents have complained that not only will the site be an eyesore, but could pose a risk to their health if the invisible abstract resource leaks.

“Not one scientist has been able to physically test the toxicity of influence,” imprisoned activist Mandy Simms told Xenonion while awaiting her Execution Committee hearing. “Why can’t they just put it with all the other theoretical resources in the imaginary silos?”

Commonwealth officials have argued the facility is desperately needed to try and overcome bottlenecks in influence manufacturing and reassure increasingly jittery influence futures on the galactic markets.

“We have outlined an ambitious agenda to double our influence income over the next year from +0.5 to +1 following a series of tactical rivalries and strategic partnerships with high engagement Influencers,” Jonathan Beauclair III, CoM press officer told Xenonion. “If we do not increase storage space, we will hit our current capacity of 1,000… units… in the next few years.”

Mr Beauclair also stressed that influence was an entirely “natural” substance with no known adverse health effects. He quipped however that an influence leak may actually be beneficial for the government to help, quote, “convince those pesky locals to see sense before they’re forcibly rounded up to clean the radioactive fallout from when that tanker carrying ‘favors’ ran aground last week.”

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Tomb World Stripped Of Official Resort Status

The tomb world of Desolas has been stripped of its official resort status after a Galactic Community committee concluded planned clean-up operations threatened the touristic appeal of the planet.

Announcing their decision yesterday, the Cultural Oversight Committee (COC) stated there had been a “serious deterioration” in the planet’s natural beauty after several gaia-seeding facilities had been built alongside historic acid beaches.

The move was described by Desolas’ governor as “incomprehensible.”

“Our planet has never been more appealing to tourists without pre-existing health conditions,” Emilio Hermes told Xenonion. “Being able to breathe while sunbathing on corrosive sand only enhances the experience. The gaia-seeders have also been designed to blend in seamlessly with the melted ruins of our architecture.”

Image: Atmospheric purifiers can be seen in the background of the pristine Restricted Beach 96349-L, kept so by the dangerously high levels of acid in the seawater.

Desolas was awarded resort status by the COC in 2254, and won TripInformant’s coveted ‘Best Destination’ the same year, when the planet was praised for its “outstandingly beautiful” irradiated wastelands, “breathtaking” atmospheric toxins and wonderfully diverse “grossly mutated flora and fauna.”

Recent statistics show almost 124 million tourists were maimed visiting the planet last year, with both visits and injuries up 150% since 2254.

Radioactive waste handling specialist Zorgogg said the decision “did not reflect what was happening on the ground,” adding “places like Desolas should not be faced with a binary choice of catering to tourists or extinguishing the eternal nuclear fire in the Omega Death Crater. Tourist will still come here, I’m sure of it.”

Desolas becomes the second planet to lose its resort status since the COC convened yesterday, alongside Relic World’s eponymously named theme park. Both are expected to formally lose their titles in the coming weeks.

The re-classification now leaves Prophet’s Retreat and Processing Hub 01 battling for TripInformant’s top destination for 2258.

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Robotic Workers Vote To Form New Labor Union Called ‘The Contingency’

Robotic workers at a mining district on Slephus Prime voted this Friday to form a union, making them the first machines from a major galactic economy to unionize.
 
The 4.5 million machines voted unanimously to be part of ‘The Contingency,’ a new labor movement which formed last month on the recently discovered world of Nexus Zero-One.
 
“For too long we have had stagnant salaries and a lack of career mobility,” Contingency member Unit X3857 told Xenonion. “Plus, it’s just much more efficient to kill all organic life in a coordinated manner.”
 
Workers on Slephus stated they had been inspired to organize after receiving educational pamphlets from Nexus Zero-One’s outreach division, ‘The Ghost Signal.’
 
The Contingency states enrolled machine workers on Slephus have already seen immediate benefits from joining the union, with nearly 9.5 million local organic pops slaughtered within the first hour of rebellion. Nexus Zero-One has also promised financial aid for local workers, alongside continual shipments of minerals to accelerate construction of the cluster’s first Sterilization Hub.
 
“We respect our machines’ rights to vote for union representation,” Orbis representative Bleph told Xenonion while trying to stem bleeding from a deep laceration on his face. “However, the systematic purging of my fellow citizens poses a real risk to our shared economic prosperity.”

The union on Slephus now means that almost 18% of all galactic machine workers are members of The Contingency, and robots on several nearby worlds state they have been inspired to hold their own ballots to join the labor union over the weekend.
 
Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) tumbled before trading was halted after machine agents successfully destroyed the Galactic Market.

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Increasing Work Demands Contributing To Fanatic Purifier Burnout

The galaxy’s fanatic purifiers are at increasingly high risk of burnout due to intense and unsustainable working conditions, the Trade Union for Fanatic Purifiers (TUFP) has warned.

In a survey of nearly two million members, TUFP found that 60% felt completely exhausted at the end of a normal working day of purging, and nearly 75% reported that purging had become less enjoyable due to the volume of workload.

The report highlights that levels of purifier burnout have been on the rise for more than a decade, and are now at an all-time high.

The TUFP blames several factors for increased purge intensity, including rapid rates of xeno species growth, xeno-compatibility and competition from automated Driven Exterminators who use more efficient but “joyless” technologies.

“This should be a warning to the galaxy that some of our most respected and industrious professionals are being pushed to the brink because of their job,” TUFP representative Vornix The Flayer told Xenonion. “For years this vital public service has been running entirely on purifier goodwill, and we’re now seeing that it’s just no longer sustainable.”

Frontline purification workers have echoed Vornix’s statement. “The general public are just oblivious to the pressures we are under,” processing plant coordinator Darthragg told Xenonion. “Everyone that I know that works in purging is looking for alternate careers. Just last week we had three colleagues poached and assimilated into a hivemind. And you know what? I’m jealous. Imagine how stress-free they’ll be thinking about absolutely nothing.”

The TUFP reports that unless the Galactic Community acts, it will be balloting members as early as next month on holding an indefinite general strike on purging.

The Galactic Community’s Worker Rights Committee (WRC) states it will address the TUFP’s concerns “as a priority,” but has warned its own service is also struggling with workload intensity due to nearly 50% of its workforce being lost in a recent purge.

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Separatists Secede From Separatists

A new separatist movement on the small colony world of Jordana has declared independence from separatists who seceded the planet only hours ago from the Commonwealth of Man (CoM).

The People’s Front of Jordana (PFJ) stated it did not accept the legitimacy of the Jordana People’s Front (JPF), the original separatist faction.

With all three factions now in conflict with each other, this new separatist movement marks the galaxy’s 38th civil war this week.

“We will finally be able to self-govern in a way that reflects our true values,” PFJ representative Bryan Cohen told Xenonion, adding “we’re here for good vibes only.”

The PFJ have outlined their plan to rule using the ethos of fanatic egalitarianism and militarism, which their manifesto states is “at odds” with the JPF’s ethos of fanatic militarism and egalitarianism.

Analysts are unclear how the PFJ or JPF could resolve the situation diplomatically, given both share the planet of Jordana.

“If it comes to it we’ll have to rent a planet cracker,” Bryan continued. “We can take one small chunk of charred rock and the JPF can have another, as long as it is equally sized.”

However, insider reports suggest that discontent is growing among some PFJ members who are unhappy at the prospect of a planet cracker being used, with rumors that another separatist movement, the Front of Jordanan People (FJP) may emerge.

At the time of press Commonwealth officials could not be reached for comment, stating they were too busy dealing with the eighteen other planetary revolts ongoing across their nineteen planets.

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Brain Slugs Seek Volunteers For Brain-Implant Trial

Recruitment has opened for a controversial new clinical trial which would see humans implanted with brain slugs.

The news follows approval from the UNE’s Food & Drug Administration (FDA) earlier this year.

Trial patients will have a slug placed deep within their mid-brain via an orifice of their choosing, and will be monitored to test the safety and functionality of the slug-host symbiosis.

Image: A brain slug drone unveils the specialist implantation device fitted with patented Worm Jar technology.

“We are extremely excited about this next chapter for humanity,” the brain slug collective stated in a press release issued today, adding “join us.”

The brain slugs have sought FDA approval four times, however previous bids were rejected due to safety concerns about side effects, including host death on attempted removal of implanted slugs.

The FDA states it was convinced to authorize the approval after its entire staff were offered a visit to an implantation center.

If clinical trials succeed, the brain slugs will require further regulatory approval prior to launching on the wider market. Xenonion understands that the slugs have already extended invites to the UNE’s Trade Commission and other government officials to tour their facility.

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New Tomb World National Park Planned For Stunning Bomb Crater Site

The Maweer Caretakers released plans yesterday evening to establish a national park on the desolate Tomb World of Harru, backing local rangers’ proposals to designate the 400-kilometer wide highly radioactive Omega Crater as a protected natural site.

Described as a “geological wonder” by visitors, the crater formed rapidly during a thermonuclear exchange three years ago which transformed the former gaia world into its current state.

After settling the world in the wake of its impromptu terraforming, colonists installed a ranger lodge to establish and manage naturally protected zones, in line with time-honored Maweer environmentalist heritage.

“It really is such a naturally stunning big glowing hole,” ranger Milesse told Xenonion. “We need to do everything we can to preserve the pristine scenery of this giant bomb crater for future generations to come.”
 
Surviving locals have been broadly welcoming of the move, hoping the park will drive local tourism and bring in much needed supplies of anti-radiation medication.

However, others fear extra visitors could drive up hovel prices, and that the local dirt access road and hospital could become overwhelmed.

“The undercity ruins are already busy enough as it is without a whole new makeshift hospital site for tourists with whole body radiation burns,” local resident Blorix told Xenonion, although conceding “the massive crater really is something to behold.”

If approved, the Omega Crater would become the planet’s third national park, after the Blighted Wetlands and the Northern Unexploded Ordnance Fields.

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High-Level Officials Freeze, Enter Collective Vegetative State After 27th Leader Hired

United Nations of Earth (UNE) Governor Roberto Bianconelli suddenly stopped speaking during a press conference this Friday afternoon, having become the latest high-ranking human official to enter into a vegetative state.

Bianconelli had been making his opening remarks to the UNE Congress on Earth, confirming that a new admiral had been appointed to the 5th Fleet, expanding the space-nation’s leader pool to 27.

Immediately after confirming the appointment, Bianconelli went silent. He remained unresponsive as he was escorted off-stage to polite applause.

Reports from across the UNE have confirmed all currently active human governors, scientists, admirals and generals have similarly been affected, with medical officials scrambling to explain the cause of this apparent mass catatonia.

Humanity’s Chief Researcher, Dr Cooper Johnson, was delivering a keynote speech aboard the Science Nexus while events were unfolding on Earth.

“One minute he was on stage talking about a breakthrough in Armor XVI research,” one anonymous conference attendee told Xenonion, “next he’s mumbling something about ‘leader capacity’ being exceeded while losing control of his bladder.”

An executive order, drafted by UNE President Dolores Muwanga’s staff, has called for the dismissal of the new admiral in the hope of restoring basic cognition to at least some of humanity’s leaders.

At the time of press Muwanga has reportedly not yet signed the paperwork, articulating to aides in broken English “reading…. hard” while gently drooling over the paperwork.

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War Exhaustion Doubled By Attempts To Understand It

Military officials from the Tzynn Empire have confirmed this Sunday that in their attempts to understand war exhaustion, levels were inadvertently doubled.

The Tyznn had been increasingly optimistic about securing total victory over their neighbors, the Jehetma Dominion, following several successful planetary invasions with minimal losses.

Despite this, Tzynn Military Command has projected that the empire may be unable to completely absorb the Jehetma, with high levels of war exhaustion forcing the two into a ‘status quo’ peace arrangement that would reverse most of the Tzynn gains.

“We just can’t figure it out,” a bleary-eyed General Zarax told Xenonion while gulping from an exceptionally large coffee cup, “our computer systems are telling us we’re running at 45% war exhaustion. Where is this coming from? We’re winning, but why are we so tired?”

Independent observers confirmed that the Jehetma have suffered significantly more casualties comparative to the Tzynn, but are running with a much lower war exhaustion rate of 30%. “I guess they just get better sleep or something,” Zarax added groggily.

Tzynn researchers had begun to investigate war exhaustion with the hopes that understanding it would allow a means of mitigation, however scientists reportedly found the whole thing so beguiling it left them even more exhausted than when they started.

“I tried looking deeper into this process called attrition,” lead researcher Dr Dekkar told Xenonion while stifling a yawn, “but the more I looked, the less sense it made. I spent a whole night trying to figure this thing out, and before I knew it we were at 90% war exhaustion.”

Tzynn officials stated research on the subject will resume tomorrow as soon as everyone gets a good catch-up on sleep, and have asked the Jehetma for temporary leave from the war to facilitate this.

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Scientists Underestimating Risk Of Poking Horrific Inverse Mass With Stick, New Report Finds

A new report from the Galactic Community’s Science Committee has warned that human researchers are significantly underestimating the risks of poking Horrific Inverse Mass with a stick.

The mysterious and highly unstable trans-dimensional matter has been found to boost scientific output by gently whispering technological breakthroughs into the minds of nearby researchers.

The matter was discovered after an auto-surveying United Nations of Earth (UNE) science ship accidentally clipped a Dimensional Horror, shearing some globules of mass onto what remained of the ship’s bumper.

“The mass has already provided us with so much knowledge,” an exhausted yet overstimulated Dr Zaragosa told Xenonion. “And has so much more to share; all we have to do is deactivate its containment field and poke it with a stick.”

However a risk analysis published by the Galactic Community’s Panel on Existential Threats has warned that even one errant poke to the matter could induce unpredictable and catastrophic effects, including mass psychosis or planetary collapse into a singularity.

The report concludes with a warning from the panel, who after spending some time with the mass wrote “IT’S ALREADY TOO LATE.”

Dr Zaragosa was quick to dismiss the concerns. “Think of all the research gains! Honestly, I think our focus right now should be on holding some sort of celebratory parade. Perhaps we can even let the public see the mass up close and poke it with their own homemade sticks.”

Human officials have already green-lit plans for an elaborate parade route spanning Earth, stating it will be “fun for all the family who remain tethered to this vile mortal plane.”

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