Meteorologists Warn Worsening Cosmic Storms Forecast To Bring More Weather-Related Small-Talk

Meteorologists are warning that increasing catastrophic cosmic storm activity is likely to cause intensification of weather-related small-talk.

The phenomenon, known as ‘chatting,’ occurs when individuals engage in light and informal conversation around neutral topics such as the weather.

Experts state that as cosmic storms cause more extreme weather fluctuations, individuals are more likely to pass trivial comment on sustained hurricane force winds, months-long lightning storms and radiation-induced collapse of the atmosphere.

“Our forecast models are predicting this with near certain accuracy,” Galactic Weather Service (GWS) meteorologist Florbin Valdar told Xenonion. “We are estimating that some offices may see upwards of a 500% increase in staff hearing comments like, ‘wow, what’s going on with the weather right now?’”

While experts say it will take time to analyze all the data to determine how sustained the small-talk will be, most agree individuals and governments need to start preparing now.

“No matter whether you’re being evacuated off-world or sheltering-in-place in the tattered remains of your local storm shelter, you’re going to run into neighbors and random people that will start chatting to you,” Valdar continued. “However, by preparing stock phrases in advance, like ‘yes, it’s just awful out there’ and ‘no, sadly my home insurance doesn’t cover force majeure events’ you stand a much better chance of making it through unscathed.”

GWS states it is developing a series of educational pamphlets to send to those in affected areas, including survival tips for staying alive when someone makes an inevitable joke about summer ending too quickly.

---

Void Cloud Wrex: Mandatory Evacuations Stall As Egalitarians Slam 'Forced Resettlement'

Planetary evacuations have stalled as egalitarian pops refuse to cooperate with what they describe as “forced resettlement” ahead of a devastating space-storm which is expected to make planet-fall in the coming hours.

Mandatory evacuation orders have been issued for several planets across the Chiral Expanse, a region projected to to lie directly in the path of Void Cloud Wrex, which in recent hours has strengthened to a Category 5 space-storm.

“We’re saying get out now,” sector governor Toran Mondrigg stated in a press briefing on Saturday, adding “this storm poses an existential threat to anyone caught in its path.”

The Trans-Galactic Weather Service has warned that Wrex could wreak “apocalyptic” damage on several densely populated worlds, describing how planetary atmospheres are likely to be “swept away” under electromagnetic storm surges measuring up to 10,000km high.

Despite this, the mood from egalitarian residents on local planets has remained bullish.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Icheon II resident Kalas Dolen told Xenonion. “To try and take away my freedom like this smacks of naked authoritarianism.”

“It’s a slippery slope,” Talandra Vi Mak of Thyrule agreed. “First this, next we’ll be asked to donate food, water and basic medical supplies to so-called ‘victims.’ It’s a play straight out of the fascist handbook.”

Government officials from the region are desperately trying to encourage migration off world by hastily constructing visitor centers and amusement parks on neighboring safe planets to coax pops into leaving voluntarily.

At the time of press both Dolen and Vi Mak stated they had been “prompted to act” by the prospect of an “all inclusive holiday evacuation,” but were unable to follow through after all space-flights across the region were cancelled due to the storm.

---

Galactic Warming Accelerating, Scientists Warn

Scientists from across the galaxy are congregating for the first Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) aboard the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus in the Manward System.

The conference has been convened following recent reports from multiple species that the galactic ambient deep space temperature has increased from 2.7260K to 2.7261K. Scientists are alarmed as it is believed that if the temperature rises 0.0001K further, the galaxy may melt and dribble unceremoniously into the centre of the universe.

The first paper to warn about the temperature rise, Slowly Burning To Death In A Spaceless Void (K. Vesh et al, 2248) theorised that the phenomena is being caused by interstellar traffic emissions. It warns that the consequences of rising temperatures are already beginning, including altered migration patterns of ancient mining drones, and bleaching of environmentally-sensitive crystalline entities.

Pro-environmental groups, mainly composed of plantoids, have seized on the research and begun lobbying the Galactic Community to abolish FTL and utilize emission-neutral space amoeba for transport.

Image: Deep space temperatures have risen dramatically over the last century

Materialistic empires and major corporations have rounded on the above suggestions, highlighting that although recent domestication efforts to obtain amoeba milk have been mildly successful, the proposal would be prohibitively expensive.

Nax Golsrig, CEO of CybrexCorp commented: "Like their capacity to produce milk, space amoebas' migratory patterns are highly irregular. It's likely commuters would be waiting on average 17 years to hitch a ride to their desired star system."

Golsrig refused to comment on whether CybrexCorp should be doing more to combat galactic warming, adding "we'll develop a sentient AI program to figure it out."

Public opinion is mixed on the recent warnings, with a number of high profile outspoken xenophobes decrying it as 'big government scare stories'.

Outspoken irrationalist Glenn Beck, a xenophobic human that uploaded his consciousness to the Shroud over 150 years ago to allow him to be angry forever, sent us this message by TeleShroud: "The galaxy has warmed before! This is all a conspiracy by the Galactic UN, moving ever forward to ONE UNIVERSE GOVERNMENT. You don't need a science degree or a neuronal IQ enhancing implant to know that."

The first Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) begins this evening with a grand gala ball, and is expected to run for the next 3 years, funded by galactic taxpayers.

---