Galactic Warming Accelerating, Scientists Warn
SPACEWEATHER | INTERSTELLAR ASSEMBLY | 24.08.2251
Scientists from across the galaxy are gathering this week for the inaugural Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE), hosted aboard the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus in the Manward System.
The emergency summit follows recent findings that the ambient background temperature of deep space has risen from 2.7260K to 2.7261K. Experts warn that if the galaxy warms by a further 0.0001K, “the entire cosmos may liquefy and dribble unceremoniously into the center of the universe.”
The first research to highlight the crisis, Slowly Burning To Death In A Spaceless Void (K. Vesh et al, 2248), attributed the change to interstellar traffic emissions. It suggested consequences are already manifesting, including altered migration patterns of ancient mining drones and widespread bleaching of environmentally-sensitive crystalline entities.
Plantoid-led environmental groups have seized on the findings, lobbying the Galactic Community to abolish FTL travel altogether and replace it with “emission-neutral” space amoeba-based transport.
Materialist empires and corporate lobbies quickly dismissed the proposal as unrealistic. “Like their milk production, space amoeba migration patterns are highly irregular,” Nax Golsrig, CEO of CybrexCorp, told Xenonion. “It’s estimated commuters would wait on average 17 years to hitch a ride to their desired star system. That’s simply not scalable for modern galactic capitalism.”
When pressed on whether CybrexCorp would commit to reducing its emissions, Golsrig declined to comment, adding only: “We’ll develop a sentient AI program to figure it out eventually.”
Public opinion remains divided. High-profile xenophobes have dismissed the warnings as “big government fearmongering.” Outspoken irrationalist Glenn Beck, a human xenophobe who uploaded his consciousness to the Shroud over 150 years ago so he could remain angry forever screaming into the void: “The galaxy has warmed before! This is all a conspiracy by the Galactic Community, moving ever forward to ONE UNIVERSE GOVERNMENT. You don’t need a science degree or a neuronal IQ implant to know that.”
The conference will open this evening with a taxpayer-funded gala ball expected to last three years. Organizers have confirmed the event will be fully carbon-neutral, with emissions offset by planting one (1) tree on the United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) eponymous homeworld.
