Area Planet Legally Annexed After Millions Of Lawyers Dropshipped From Orbit

The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) states it has “legally annexed” the planet of Jossk Prime after drop-shipping almost 2.5 million lawyers from high orbit.

This marks the latest development in the Commonwealth’s ongoing invasion of the Jossk Empire, which the Galactic Community had previously declared illegal.

Commonwealth leader Sidney Beauclair reaffirmed her belief that Jossk territory is rightfully human, and hoped the switch from traditional assault armies to battalions of prosecutors would not breach pan-galactic law.

Reptilian locals on Jossk Prime took little solace from this however, scrambling for shelter as the orange glow of dropships breaching the atmosphere streaked across the sky.

“It was horrifying,” resident Vako told Xenonion. “This ship landed right beside me and all these lawyers started swarming out, firing lawsuits indiscriminately. Those that couldn’t find cover got hit with multiple personal injury claims.”

Footage showed the Jossk military in complete disarray, having been overwhelmed with paperwork after a covert unit of Commonwealth employment lawyers were able to invalidate all personnel contracts.

Similar scenes of chaos were reported across major population centers, with trading suspended due to intellectual property disputes and hospitals crippled by medical malpractice litigation.

Xenonion reached out to Jossk leader Darassik, who pleaded for help before being summarily executed for breaching a recently issued lifelong non-disclosure agreement.

Commonwealth military command has praised “outstanding” actions of its legal branch, alongside announcing plans to arm elite units of lawyers with an entourage of judges and support jurors to expedite prosecutions.

The Galactic Community’s Supreme Court states it has yet to rule on the legality of the invasion, with its focus remaining on sourcing food as supplies continue to dwindle due to the 10,000 strong Commonwealth lawyer unit currently besieging it.

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10-Year-Old Trainer Announces Plans To Set Off From His Home System And Capture All Five Space Fauna

A 10-year-old human boy named Red has inspired xenos across the neural net after announcing plans to leave his homeworld of Kanto Prime and become “the galaxy’s best beast-master.”

Sponsored by renowned local xenobiologist Professor Tree, the child has been entrusted with a small corvette, several gravity snares and a tame young space amoeba to assist him on his journey.

“In our culture it is commonplace for children to wander continents alone capturing wild animals and then using them to fight in bloodthirsty battles,” Professor Tree explained to Xenonion. “With the commercialization of gravity snares, we are now able to take this coming-of-age ritual into space.”

In videos circulating on social media, an excited Red was seen leaving Professor Tree’s biolab exclaiming, “I’m gonna catch all the space fauna! All five of them!”

There are currently five established species of space fauna, including space whales (Tiyanki), space amoeba, crystalline entities, void clouds and ancient mining drones. Little is known about how any of them would fare in captivity.

“I really want to snare a Tiyanki first,” Red explained to reporters while dropping off his resignation from elementary school. “My amoeba youngling has a tail-whip move that will be super effective against them. I’ve also heard if I give it some anabolic steroids it could evolve into a super amoeba, the Amoebraah!”

Fellow beast-masters across the galaxy, including adults, state they have been inspired by Red’s proclamation.

“After hearing his story I went out and tamed a crystalline entity,” 22-year old gym owner Breck told Xenonion. “I’m going to get a corvette and park myself out in subspace behind an asteroid to surprise fellow beast-masters passing by when they least expect it!”

Xenonion reached out to Red’s mother for comment, but she was unavailable after being detained by Kanto Prime social services.

Shares in gravity snare producer and feared pan-galactic law firm Intendo have soared on the news. 

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Leaders' Debate: Millennia-Old Whispering Monolith Struggles To Allay Concerns Over Age

The Whispering Monolith’s lackluster performance in the United Nations of Earth (UNE’s) first presidential election debate has sparked concern about the 15,000 year-old mysterious column’s fitness for office.

Floating motionlessly behind its podium, the dark and foreboding block repeatedly failed to answer any questions put to it by moderators, or its opponent from the authoritarian faction, former president Jeffrey Rossario.

The debate, hosted by local broadcaster UNENN, was a high-stakes opportunity for the ancient artifact to allay widespread concern about its fitness to lead humanity.

Image (UNENN): Concerns were raised about how vacant the monolith appeared.

“The optics weren’t great from the moment the Monolith was wheeled into the debate hall by a team of archeologists,” UNE political correspondent Max Reiss told Xenonion. “But it was reassuring to see it get a bit stronger over time, particularly when it started pulsating with purple shimmers on the topic of tax reform.”

When asked about taxation policies for the ultra-rich, the Monolith began whispering in an indeterminate and somewhat menacing language. Rossario, avoiding the frenetic disruptions displayed during previous presidential debates, stated: “I really don’t know what it said, and I don’t think it does either. Also, why is my nose bleeding?”

With Rossario’s growing lead across polling, supporters were quick to defend the Monolith’s performance, stating it had proven to the electorate it had the stamina to float silently for the full duration of the 90-minute debate.

However, there remain calls from across the political spectrum for the Monolith to step down to allow someone or something younger to take the helm, with the 3,000 year old scientist Astrocreator Azaryn rumored to be a top contender.

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