Primitive species - they’re cute, silly, and hilariously easy to prank with no lasting repercussions!
1. Create some ‘PLAnetary art’
Every good prank needs to leave the victim feeling completely bewildered. And nothing instills this feeling quite like using orbital lasers or ship landing mechanisms to carve random patterns onto the primitive’s homeworld for no reason at all. Crop fields are particularly malleable and make an excellent blank canvas.
Bonus points if you can create intricate designs that look like high-end art, but are actually highly offensive obscenities written in a xeno language. If they survive, primitives will laugh out loud several hundred years later when they uncover the true origins of these cheeky doodles.
2. Pretend to be a deity
Ever wondered what it would feel like to be a god outwith of a Gene Clinic? Fear not, this prank has you covered.
Simply hop over to your nearest primitive world, bring some advanced tech, and the primitives won’t be able to distinguish science from divine superpowers. They’ll be forming cults and purging the non-believers in no time. How they’ll laugh when they find out you’re actually just a clerk from an outer colony who’s just filming their reaction for video clicks.
3. enlighten, then abandon
Nothing says “LOL!” like giving primitives a glimpse of fantastic space-age technology, and just as they’re on the cusp of achieving everything their civilization had ever dreamed off, cutting off all contact.
Sides will be splitting, much the like the internal fabric of their society, as they watch your observation post crumble from the sky and act as a symbolic metaphor of their imminent demise. ROFL.
4. gift some advanced weaponry
No good old-fashioned prank would be complete without inciting a mass uprising of civilization’s most oppressed and marginalized groups. To do this, you’ll need several transport ships worth of retrofitted weapons technology and a knowledge of the primitive species’ social hierarchy. One you find the most downtrodden group, arm them to the teeth. Nothing screams hilarious more than the actual screams of a revolution!
5. Terraform their homeworld
Primitives love to feel the pressure of existential threat, and will run around like there’s no tomorrow when they perceive there’s no tomorrow as you turn their continental world in to a barren husk. For added chuckles, cancel terraforming at the last minute, before restarting the whole process over again.
6. INVADE and enslave them
This prank is peak comedy! There’s nothing quite like watching primitives react to the sight of hundreds of thousands of troop transport ships descending from the sky, bombarding strategic locations and urban areas. They’ll cry (with laughter) as eons of history and culture evaporate in flames.
For added effect, play along as they try to resist, perhaps even making it look like you’re going to lose to them. And then, at the last minute, establish your new world order and enslave them. They’ll be howling as they are led to the new prefabricated detention centers hastily constructed in the remains of their once peaceful homeworld.
