Buzzword Standardization Offers Paradigm Shift In Cross-Collaborative Synergistic Upwording

Business leaders have welcomed a legislative proposal to harmonize corporate buzzwords, enabling alien enterprises to seamlessly and holistically streamline strategic communications.

If approved, the Buzzword Standardization Bill would formally regulate the galaxy’s ever growing list of corporate vernacular by providing a transparent and structured approach to upwording, the process by which buzzwords are created.

The bill was presented to the Galactic Senate earlier this week by a consortium of politicians, industry experts and jargon enthusiasts, who stated they had found a “robust, agile, innovative, multi-tiered, accountable, task-orientated and Cloud-ready change-agent” which would “disrupt an overabundance of un-understandable business lingo.”

Seph Orbis, CEO of the Orbis MegaCorp explained his reasoning for co-sponsoring the bill at a Senate hearing earlier this week, stating: “We took a deep dive into big data and realised the optics on buzzwords are all wrong. Currently they are over-leveraged, meaning our stakeholders’ bandwith for understanding has reached capacity. It was only through leaning in to an exercise in thought-leadership, with some heavy brainstorming and mind-mapping on the side, that we were able to create this bill, a game changer in terms of pivoting towards high-value mutually intelligible upwording.”

Image: It is hoped that Buzzword Standardization will make corporate meetings across the galaxy even more upwordy than they already are.

Orbis continued: “The key metrics from our debrief are clear. We need to circle back, close the loop, and then loop in. If proactivity, transparency and ownership had a synergasm, the result would be this bill. This is an up-levelled, next-level, lightbulb moment. In considering voting on this bill, I urge the Senate to think outside of the box, because there are ducks out there with bells and whistles on that need to get in a row, so they can hit the ground running and reach into the blue sky for low hanging fruit.”  

The Galactic Trade Council has welcomed the bill, although expressed concern that it may have the unintentional effect of creating even more buzzwords, accelerating corporate psychobabble and fueling a dependency on outsourcing to expensive buzzword translation services, a process which MegaCorps now term as ‘offshoring.’

Speaking to Xenonion earlier today, Orbis dismissed the above, stating: “This isn’t about the pain-point of more buzzwords. This is about onboarding businesses with a value proposition - upwords that are immersive, sharable, unique, un-siloed and industry best practice. They can be right-sized to any situation, even scalable down to the hyperlocal setting. We want to make buzzwords smarter, not harder!”

At the time of press the Galactic Council released a written statement highlighting that it believed the bill was a “win-win, next-gen, voter-centric, success-vectored proposition with a limited pushback footprint risk.” However, it did not commit to formally debating the bill in time for the Senate’s next session, adding it would “touch base offline and talk live with relevant parties in due course.”

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*Idea developed with u/Scientific_Zealot

Planet-Cracker Crew Furloughed During 4-Month Wait for Weapon to Fire

Tzynn military officials have announced this Thursday that they are furloughing the entire 3,000-strong crew of the planet-cracker Liberator while waiting for its weapon to charge and fire on Asinine IV.

Citing severe budgetary constraints, Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja stated unpaid suspension of crew was unavoidable, “considering they’re just parked in orbit for four months doing nothing.”

Image: Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja argues resources should be prioritized for “useful” fleets.

Military command ordered the Liberator to destroy the Voor planet of Asinine IV six weeks ago, although the element of surprise has been somewhat lost with the primary weapons system remaining stubbornly slow to charge at 1% per day.

In the intervening period, the Tzynn have witnessed an unprecedented economic contraction following a number of planetary losses to the Voor Technocracy, which has had ample time to evacuate Asinine and regroup its forces.

The Liberator crew have yet to be informed of the furlough, with military officials fearing the news could negatively impact morale and calibration accuracy.

Image: The Liberator leaving port at Sal’Tzynn.

The reaction from fellow Tzynn military personnel about the furlough has been mixed.

Corporal Hask’Timak told Xenonion: “I used to work on the Liberator and have fond memories of taking my annual leave during weapon charges to visit whatever planet we were very slowly destroying. I wouldn’t have been able to afford those experiences if I was furloughed.”

Officer Hask’Kurnir was less sympathetic, stating: “Members of the crew with reading proficiency all knew what they were signing up for when they joined the Liberator. This is part of the job… although granted it’s not really a job since they’re not being paid right now. But you know what I mean.”

Tzynn military officials have guaranteed that “some” of the Liberator’s crew will qualify for emergency back-pay in the form of edible food stamps, equivalent to up to 0.00038% of weekly salary.

Despite this, a number of high-ranking Tzynn officials have openly criticized Emperor Sazzeeja’s use of the Liberator, arguing its construction was only ever approved for the total war casus belli, not actual wartime engagements. The Emperor has yet to respond, although in the interim has announced that all dissenters have been placed into indefinite furlough to allow for “a period of undistracted reflection.”

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Unemployment Rate Drops to Record Low Following Use of Planet Cracker

Unemployment on planet of Ilast Mog has dropped to a record low after the Voor Technocracy completely annihilated the world with a planet cracker.

Initial reports suggest that the initiative has been successful, with the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) reporting that Ilast’s jobless rate has fallen by 17.8 billion to 0%, the lowest level since records began.

The surprising news came despite the planetary economy actually contracting over the same time period, adding zero jobs this quarter.

Unemployment on the galaxy’s 8th largest planet had been chronically high following its recent forcible takeover by the Voor, which fueled instability and high levels of crime. However, these metrics have similarly fallen to dramatically low levels following the intervention yesterday.

Perak Wek, a leading economist from the pan-galactic journal Boomberg Magazine told Xenonion: “It was clear the labor market needed a fire lit under it, and the Voor have done just that in the form of a highly concentrated fission death ray.”

However, analysts have cautioned that the unemployment figures may be overblown, quite literally. Professor Vicky Toria, an economist at Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm, warned that the data likely masked more serious underlying problems such as the fact Ilast no longer exists.

Similarly, investors report some concerns about returns from the charred remnants of planet floating in space. Japrak Tor, a spokes-xeno for the Orbis Synergies megacorporation, told Xenonion: “We’re waiting to see what the effects of this novel economic stimulus might be… first we need to hear back first from the market research team we sent there last week.”

Image: Despite the positive news, there are concerns about how productive future output may be from the former husk of Ilast Mog, pictured.

Voor leadership have been quick to credit the improvement in unemployment rates to “innovative economic policies.” Sector governor Gapra Va told Xenonion: “We’re seeing more pops than ever benefiting from being instantaneously vaporized.”

Despite the dramatic drop in unemployment, the Voor Central Bank has not shifted interest rates, hinting that other planets may be in line to receive a similar intervention. Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) remain bullish.

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