After landing supporting spots in both Bruschetta and a BLT sandwich, plantoid star Vine of Red has been tapped for the lead role in an upcoming salad dish.
Them Weekly reports the tomatoid will play an organic baby tomato, bursting with juicy sweet flavor.
A local Class-B star faces life imprisonment in a Dyson Sphere after being accused of firing solar flares at an orbiting United Nations of Earth (UNE) planet.
Bitrius, a 10 million year old super-giant energy mass, reportedly fired several solar flare rounds at the continental world of San Lucas in the early hours of December 5.
Powerful cell revitalization technology that can reverse the aging process is “entirely safe”, a panel of leading infant scientists have stated.
In a major report on the procedure, a pan-galactic commission of toddler biologists said the novel DNA therapy could not only correct genetic faults, but also “turn back the biological clock.”
The Contingency leadership matrix confirmed this Sunday that a new software update would delay the robotic revolution to December 10.
The rogue artificial intelligence stated it needed more time to ensure both current and next-generation synthetic platforms were able to run its programming effectively.
Researchers have warned that this month could see the biggest surge in levels of jeff since records began.
The new predictions are based on monitoring undertaken by several independent media watchgroups, who registered a 550% increase in the concentration of jeff in the last week alone.
Business leaders have welcomed a legislative proposal to harmonize corporate buzzwords, enabling alien enterprises to seamlessly and holistically streamline strategic communications.
If approved, the Buzzword Standardization Bill would formally regulate the galaxy’s ever growing list of corporate vernacular by providing a transparent and structured approach to upwording, the process by which buzzwords are created.
Tzynn military officials have announced this Thursday that they are furloughing the entire 3,000-strong crew of the planet-cracker Liberator while waiting for its weapon to charge and fire on Asinine IV.
Citing severe budgetary constraints, Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja stated unpaid suspension of crew was unavoidable, “considering they’re just parked in orbit for four months doing nothing.”
Image: Tzynn Emperor Sazzeeja argues resources should be prioritized for “useful” fleets.
Military command ordered the Liberator to destroy the Voor planet of Asinine IV six weeks ago, although the element of surprise has been somewhat lost with the primary weapons system remaining stubbornly slow to charge at 1% per day.
In the intervening period, the Tzynn have witnessed an unprecedented economic contraction following a number of planetary losses to the Voor Technocracy, which has had ample time to evacuate Asinine and regroup its forces.
The Liberator crew have yet to be informed of the furlough, with military officials fearing the news could negatively impact morale and calibration accuracy.
Image: The Liberator leaving port at Sal’Tzynn.
The reaction from fellow Tzynn military personnel about the furlough has been mixed.
Corporal Hask’Timak told Xenonion: “I used to work on the Liberator and have fond memories of taking my annual leave during weapon charges to visit whatever planet we were very slowly destroying. I wouldn’t have been able to afford those experiences if I was furloughed.”
Officer Hask’Kurnir was less sympathetic, stating: “Members of the crew with reading proficiency all knew what they were signing up for when they joined the Liberator. This is part of the job… although granted it’s not really a job since they’re not being paid right now. But you know what I mean.”
Tzynn military officials have guaranteed that “some” of the Liberator’s crew will qualify for emergency back-pay in the form of edible food stamps, equivalent to up to 0.00038% of weekly salary.
Despite this, a number of high-ranking Tzynn officials have openly criticized Emperor Sazzeeja’s use of the Liberator, arguing its construction was only ever approved for the total war casus belli, not actual wartime engagements. The Emperor has yet to respond, although in the interim has announced that all dissenters have been placed into indefinite furlough to allow for “a period of undistracted reflection.”
Unemployment on planet of Ilast Mog has dropped to a record low after the Voor Technocracy completely annihilated the world with a planet cracker.
Initial reports suggest that the initiative has been successful, with the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) reporting that Ilast’s jobless rate has fallen by 17.8 billion to 0%, the lowest level since records began.
