Fallen Empire Rallies Overwhelming Peacekeeping Fleets to “Save Neighbors from Themselves”
Peacekeeping fleets have tonight been deployed by the Techzid Shard after neighbouring space-nations refused to accept its demands to abandon research into Artificial Intelligence and other research which it has deemed “dangerous.”
Issuing an ultimatum early this morning from the Techzid’s monolithic ringworld structure, Representative Rax’Glor stated: “We have deemed anything beyond putting on solar panels on your space stations is dangerous. In fact, perhaps even that is a bit too dangerous. Abandon it, or else.”
Rax’Glor then went on a lengthy monologue, referring to the Techzid being “very friendly at heart”, but friends who “just so happened to have XL Tachyon Lances and weren’t afraid to use them.”
Image: The Techzid’s peacekeeping fleets keep the peace by peacefully destroying a neighbouring empire’s research station.
Several space-nations immediately agreed the above terms, with the majority voluntarily reverting to pre-FTL states and asking to be removed from galactic maps.
CybrexCorp and Taco Bell, two of the galaxy’s largest MegaCorps which have invested heavily in AI have called the move “draconian.” As a precaution, Taco Bell have closed several hundred of their automated branches close to the Techzid Shard.
In response to the above, an addendum was released by the Techzid stating Taco Bell would be exempt from the AI for “the greater galactic good.”
UNE President Accidentally Uploads Mental State to Shroud
United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario has been left red-faced this evening after it emerged he accidentally uploaded his entire mental state to the Shroud, a mysterious psionic dimension believed to be capable of holding more than 400 zetabytes of information.
It's not clear when or how President Rossario's mental state was uploaded, with officials in Earth's capitol Ulm stressing that all government personnel are expressly ordered not to back up any mental information to the Shroud due to its insecure cortical firewall settings. A special project has been issued to attempt to remove the information from the Shroud, but it has so far been fruitless. Until the required technologies have been researched, all of Rossario’s thoughts will remain continuously accessible to anyone with psionic capabilities or a TeleShroud enabled fax machine.
Image: Rossario inside the UNE Congress chamber in Ulm, Earth.
UNE fleet admirals have expressed concern that the president's knowledge of sensitive military and political information now could be freely floating in psionic-space, where it may be accessed by the other empires of the galaxy.
This follows in the wake of a political scandal involving former UNE governor and outspoken xenophobe Emilio Hermes, who inadvertently uploaded explicit mental imagery of himself with Blorg model Mercedes Romero to the Shroud last month, to the horror of both the Blorg species and his wife. Whether other UNE officials are at risk of accidentally connecting their minds to the Shroud or not is still being investigated.
President Rossario has so far refused to comment regarding the above. However, our newsteam was able to obtain his most recent mental state from the Shroud tonight, in which his stream of thought read:
"This is really, really awkward. Like seriously. God. How did this happen? I really hope they can't see what I'm thinking right now. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts."
Image: President Rossario’s thoughts echo across the vast psychic dimension
Vassal Requests Assistance, Overlord Outraged
Emissaries from the Hudaar Reach have confirmed this Monday that their subject, the Veenoy Dominion, has been released and a rivalry declared.
The diplomatic break was confirmed by Hudaar High Chief Weeal, who stated in a press conference: "In our thousand years of existence, the Hudaar species have never been so offended. Today, one of our youngest vassals broke all manner of diplomatic tradition. They approached us and asked us to… [lengthy pause]… trade technology."
The press conference was cut short due to commotion and shock within the predominantly Hudaari press pool.
The Galactic Council has warned the Veenoy Dominion that its actions were "thoughtless" and may contravene galactic law.
It is believed this is in reference to Articles 5 and 401-521B of the Galactic Charter on Diplomacy, which respectively state that technologies can only be traded obtusely in the form of research agreements, and that technologically backwater vassals are forbidden from being outlandish.
Image: It is believed the Veenoy were hoping to trade their rudimentary warp drive technology for the Hudaar’s advanced hyperdrive engines
Following the press conference, several neighbouring empires have declared the Veenoy as rivals and are considering forming a coalition in protest of "grave crimes against the galaxy" as one senior Hudaarian emissary described the situation to Xenonion.
A Veenoy reporter at the press conference tried to justify the dominion's actions, stating his government thought it would make sense for two allied nations to share technology. High Chief Weeal retorted "there's a difference between allies and vassals" before jumping into the audience and bludgeoning the reporter to death, to the cheers of the frenzied press attaché.
Unverified reports are now filtering through that Veenoy civilians on their capitol of Veenoia are being evacuated off-world by slow moving warp transports.
Vassal-Overlord Relations at Breaking Point
Today marks the fifth day of continuous insults between the Tak’fir Conglomerate and their fellow vassal, the Shev’nasar Nation.
The Shev’nasar are notorious for being hostile to their overlords, but have always backed up the Tak’fir in galactic conflicts, including the highly controversial Seven Day War, which saw the Tak’fir purge several other species in the local cluster.
There is speculation that the insults are just tradition amongst the two notoriously brazen empires, but more recently tensions have escalated after the Shev’nasar abandoned all diplomatic language and referred to their overlords as “incompetent piles of feces” and “giant douches, and not the good kind.”
The Tak’fir have responded in kind with a galactic memo stating “We wouldn’t be your overlords if you hadn’t begged us to protect you.” It concluded with, “Also, shut up, you have like one planet.”
Image: Tak’firian citizens taking to the streets against their vassal
Despite the above, neither side has announced severing diplomatic ties. However, galactic pundits are anticipating the Shev’nasar will soon declare a war of independence against their overlords. Inside sources from De’Naar indicate the Tak’fir would potentially view this outcome as favourable, as it’s been a number of months since they’ve been able to purge anything but plantoids.
The Galactic Community has today stepping in to try and quell rising tensions, stating today: “We appreciate the fact that the these two empires have avoided war for this long, but at this point it has just become annoying. Like, more annoying than the Blorg. We just want this whole ordeal over with. Please for the love of the Worm, stop fighting with words and start killing each other. Just do it. We don’t even care if you purge each other out of existence. Actually, that would be preferable to your tireless squabbling.”
Shares in galactic armament corporations rose on the news.
Populist Plantoid From Literal Banana Republic Dies, Sparking Succession Crisis
The Unified Banana Republic (UBR) has been plunged into political crisis tonight following the sudden death of its enigmatic plantoid leader, President Chiquita.
Chiquita died at the age of four days old, far below the usual lifespan of six days for similar un-refrigerated plantoid-bananoid species.
The circumstances surrounding his death are still unclear, although he was known to suffer from chronic health problems, including premature ripening. Notably, questions were raised about his physical fitness to lead after he was spotted at an official government ceremony yesterday covered in soft brown patches.
From humble beginnings as a regular groundplant, Chiquita seized power on Pe'el Prime in a surprise military coup three days ago, and declared the inception of the galaxy's first literal banana republic shortly afterwards.
His proponents stated he rose to power on an ideological wave of pan-bananoidism (so-called 'bananorama'), but to his critics he was seen to be expertly exploiting anti-tomatoid sentiments to consolidate his position among the bananoid majority population.
He gained infamy for embarking on a series of brutal tomatoid purges across the planet in what is now dubbed 'The Night of Red Mist.'
While Chiquita styled the UBR as an inclusive democracy, the Galactic UN has long criticised its pro-oligarchic structure and plantoid rights abuses. The lack of due democratic process has left a significant power vacuum, with several of Chiquita's inner circle rumored to be competing to assume leadership.
No-One Informed About Native Rebellion on Sector-Governed World
After months of strikes and protests, the native plantoid population of Linneaus has taken up arms and besieged the planet’s administration facilities early Wednesday morning.
The natives, which call themselves ‘Dussin’, have struggled with stellar culture shock since their integration into the Luuhma Combine three years ago. Over the last six months there have been a total of five strikes and three demonstrations in the name of plantoid rights.
Unfortunately for the protesters, their planet is located in a sector and governed mostly through sector management. Thus, word of the rioting plantoids never reached the High Queen, Ehdr den Luuhma.
However, this may have changed since yesterday, when several Dussin rebels armed themselves with stolen Hunter-Killer Drones and marched on the planetary capital.
The Queen has yet to make a statements regarding the rebellion, but the rebels are convinced that they will have soon gained enough notoriety to catch her attention.
The infamous Buttercup Huckleberry, esteemed leader of the rebels, explained the motivation of the rebels in an exclusive interview with Xenonion: "We didn't want it to turn out this violent, we never did. But the government just wouldn't listen. We knew we had to do something drastic to get their attention.
Huckleberry’s stated her goal was for plantoids to have full citizenship and leadership rights. When asked how the Dussin could achieve this, she continued, leaves trembling: "I'm not very well-read in politics and stuff but I guess some government officials will take up this matter with the Queen. Or perhaps they can change that policy without asking the Queen… It doesn't really matter; all I know is that we’ll keep the capital under siege until new legislation has been passed. We will never give up on our cause!"
When contacted by Xenonion, representatives from the Luuhma Combine denied that a rebellion was occurring on Linneaus. No further response has been issued by the Luuhma Combine or Queen.
Subconscious Consensus Unable to Reach Consensus on Definition of Consensus
The T'Valdra Allied Stars Congress has announced it is delaying a planned overhaul of the planet’s voting system from direct democracy to subconscious consensus.
The reform, originally introduced 35 years ago, has been plagued with problems despite an overwhelming majority of the T’Valdra population backing the plan in 298 consecutive referenda.
Image: T’Valdranite official-elect Ik’thon’ban, Chair of the 111th Congressional Committee on Implementing the Subconscious Consensus.
Chairing the 111th congressional committee on the subconscious consensus, T'Valdranite official Ik'thon'ban stated: "The consensus of the consensus committee is that we do not have a consensus on the definition of consensus, and as such we do not have a consensus to proceed with the implementation of the subconscious consensus."
A further referendum on whether to delay the subconscious consensus reform is scheduled for tomorrow, dependent upon whether Ik’thon’ban can remain chair of the congressional committee, a position to which he is elected to on a daily basis.
Area Planet Accidentally Insults Fallen Empire
Galactic diplomats are scrambling this Thursday to try and minimize metaphorical and physical fall-out after an area planet accidentally insulted the millennia old Vroth Combine, a notoriously aggressive stagnant ascendancy.
The insult was issued from High Nest, the only planet of the newly formed Caawian Cooperative, an Avian bureaucracy that surreptitiously discovered FTL-travel 2 months ago.
In an official press release this morning, Caawian Cooperative Leader Supreme Coo explained: “This is all really awkward. We’re new to the galactic neighbourhood and just trying to flex our wings. Unfortunately it took us some time to register the Vroth weren’t a pre-sentient reptilian species as were initially led to believe.”
Image: Supreme Coo addresses issues a press release from High Nest.
The press conference was cut short after Coo became distracted by a shiny object and began furiously pecking at it.
The Vroth have not yet responded diplomatically, but unconfirmed reports have begun filtering through the neural net that several of their 200k battleship fleets have begun to amass outside Caawian borders.
Our news team reached out to High Nest for a further statement on the above, but unfortunately all comm links in the area have been severed. Prior to this, Supreme Coo had stated he was “confident” the Cooperative’s three corvettes would keep their homeworld safe.
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