New Faction Fights for Leaders' Rights To Vacation, Retirement
Visari Prime, Ebbarmacchus System, Visari Technocracy
A new faction, the Prosperous Independent Leaders’ Ensemble (PILES), has been founded this week in the Visari Technocracy.
The faction is calling for the government to improve working conditions for leaders. Its main demands include;
Leaders gaining access to retirement - instead of serving jobs for life
Leaders gaining access to vacation time
Leaders gaining access to free life insurance, given high mortality rates among those working in space environments
“Even in our egalitarian society, leaders lack many basic rights. Faction leader, Yoga Antiqua told Xenonion. “We give so much to the empire, many of us even become substance abusers from the stress. In return, we want to be guaranteed basic rights extended to the rest of the population.”
Image: Antiqua is leading the faction from VTS Havres, his home for the past 182 years.
For Antiqua, the fight is personal. As a venerable, resilient, cyborg leader, he first gained command of the science ship VTS Havres at 48. Now aged 230 years old, he reports he has been surveying star systems ever since, without ever taking a day off or returning to his home planet of Bagodah to see one of his 33 great great great grandchildren.
So far, the Visari government has been reluctant to concede to PILES' demands. Bana Shacho, Director of the Visari Technocracy, told Xenonion: “We didn’t research cell revitalization and equip our population with life-extending cybernetics just so that they could retire early. I'm 199 years old, I've won every election for the past 148 years and I've come to no harm. Some people describe me as having become stubborn - but I'm not. They're just wrong.”
Some leaders are also opposed to the ideals of PILES. Governor Xari Nelsa of the Core Sector has stated that she believes leaders are obligated to give their lives in support of the Technocracy, whether they be admirals or scientists. Retirement, she feels, is shameful.
The faction is receiving growing support among more egalitarian Visari, which the government is hoping to suppress through re-allocation of influence.
> More accurate reporting from Seevah Gunnar could not be possible
Embassy Staff Unemployment Hits 100%
Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System
Pacifist factions from a broad range of empires have called upon the Galactic UN's to allow for the re-establishment of embassies and diplomatic attachés.
The use of embassies as a method of improving relations between spacenations was outlawed in August 2249 by the Galactic UN's controversial Asimov Act.
Officially the Asimov Act was passed with the intent of streamlining diplomacy and fostering deeper galactic cooperation. It proposed a novel system of 'trust' between empires, with one unit of trust equating to a greater degree of friendliness. Trust could be earned through various mechanisms, such as trade agreements or military alliances. Embassies were believed to promote 'superficial' diplomacy and detracted from these more meaningful opportunities.
Image: Prior to the Asimov Act empires were able to spend a significant proportion of their GDP on hosting diplomats and biweekly cocktail parties in embassies.
Critics of the Act argued it was aggressively pushed by the militaristic lobby as a means to boost their own corporate interests. Others felt it was simply reactionary, spurned on in the wake of the chaos left by the Unbidden invasion of the Outer Rim, where dozens of space empires passively watched as billions of organic lifeforms were purged.
Pacifist factions now argue a "diplomatic void" has been left. Prominent pacifist, Gaandee, told the newsdesk:
"We must fight, peacefully of course, anything that limits our options for peace. I wasn't familiar with this 'trust' concept before, but it works quite well. But we could bring back embassies too. Before it was so much easier to make your intentions clear to another empire through embassy establishment. It's how the Blorg operated for millennia, and look how many friends they have now? Almost three."
The closure of embassies had a profound effect on embassy staff, many of whom who found themselves abruptly unemployed. While this served as the comedic basis for the hugely popular sitcom, 01_Embassy_Propose, recent long term data from the Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) implies the closure has had a significant impact on former staff, who are 50-times more likely to have substance misusing or arrested development traits than the general population.
A representative for the Galactic UN, Gre'Kulf, responded:
"There are many ways to interpret the data from PISH. You could also say the former embassy staff now just have a lot more free time, and heck, who doesn't like a drink in their free time? Embassies represent an older style of diplomacy that is more suited to pre-FTL governments and Parabox games. As an aside, have you played Crusading Dukes IV?"
The Galactic UN has yet to comment on whether it will review the Asimov Act. Pacifist factions state if it does not, they will take their case to the Galactic Supreme Court, if it is re-established by the Galactic UN also.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Area Empress Gains Immortal Trait, Heir Faces Existential Crisis
Royal Circle, Tyrathurus, Shitakasi Holy Empire
Empress Viola of the Shitakasi Holy Empire (SHE) has gained the trait of immortality, granting herself the title of 'God-Empress' in the process.
In an announcement to her imperial court this morning, Viola confirmed she had been marked as "Chosen" by the Shroud, stating:
"Today marks a new dawn for the Shitakasi, for the Shroud has smiled upon me. It has imbued me with great power. Not only do I have +1 influence, but I transcend the limits of mortality. I will rule our people, and ultimately the galaxy, for eternity."
The fungoid Shitakasi, and by extension the Royal Shitakasi Family are deeply spiritual, and famed for their latent psionic abilities.
Viola is reported to be exceptionally psionically connected and was rumoured to be spending increasing amounts of time within the Shroud. It is unclear what force, if any, she has been consorting with.
Image: Empress Viola of the Shitakasi Holy Empire poses for a portrait in the Grand Shitakasi Palace.
The Galactic UN has warned Viola against "wanton title creation", reminding her it was just likely to anger her vassals and promote regional instability. It also added she had no objective scientific evidence to prove she was immortal.
While the news of Viola's "ascension" have been met with jubilant scenes across the Shitakasi home systems, sources close to the Royal Family highlight tensions are rising.
Crown Princess Jasmine, Viola's eldest daughter and next in line of succession, is reportedly "distraught" over news her mother is now immortal, and considering abdicating for a career as a paralegal.
As one anonymous palace source told our newsteam;
"It's just awful for her. Jasmine has the ambitious trait, so naturally her and her mother are rivals, but she expected soon enough she would be able to leave her own mark on the Holy Empire - seemingly not anymore. It's a bit of an existential crisis for her."
Viola's sister, Princess Lilleth, has reportedly formed a faction to change Shitakasi succession to a form of elective monarchy, in a move that many see as trying to limit Viola's increased authority.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
> This article was inspired by a post by Twitter user @diogo__anchieta
Admirals Spending Entire Life Off-World "Maybe Not So Healthy", New Report Finds
Lyria, Argea System, Lyrian Polity
Admirals across the galaxy feel that their concerns are not being taken seriously by their respective governments, a new survey has revealed.
The Critical Review of Admiral Satisfaction & Happiness (CRASH) survey is an annual poll undertaken by members of the Guild Academy for Generals & Admirals (GAGA), a pan-galactic representative body for military command personnel.
The 14,000 respondents to CRASH represented almost all fleet admirals working in the known regions of space, across nearly 6,000 empires.
Image: The CRASH survey highlights significant concerns raised by fleet admirals.
Worryingly, only 11% indicated they were happy in their current job, and 93% had 'extreme concerns' about remaining employed as a fleet admiral.
The most commonly cited concerns included being dangerously fatigued through managing extremely large fleets, feeling overwhelmed by complex operations micromanagement, safety concerns over ineffective emergency warp protocols and personal health concerns over high rates of substance misuse traits in older admirals.
On average, over 70% of admirals aged over 120 had some form of acquired negative trait, with substance misusing being the most common. Admirals commanding fleets of over 400 ships were also more likely to be substance misusing, and rated their happiness lowest.
Interestingly, those working on 'atypical' contracts, such as pirate outfits, rated their happiness highest.
The results also highlight a mistrust of governing bodies. Only 41% of admirals polled felt their governments took safety protocols seriously.
Earlier this year, United Nations of Earth (UNE) retired admiral A.K. Barr warned that some of his former colleagues were being forced to work for up to 17 years without an adequate break. He subsequently resigned amid failures of the UNE government to address lengthy emergency warp times and the longstanding issue of transport fleets perpetually renaming themselves.
These sentiments were echoed by Lyrian Polity admiral Belessaria P'Sayle, who told our newsteam:
"For too long our warnings have gone unheeded. Admirals have a huge responsibility and play a vital role in keeping the galaxy's military-industrial complexes profitable. Yet we have no quality of life. Have you ever tried to command anything beyond your own body? Can you imagine commanding several thousand other bodies aboard several hundred ships? This is what we're expected to do, for our entire lifespan. We're tired. It's not safe, and it's not fair."
Admirals such as Barr and P'Sayle have welcomed the introduction of so-called 'doomstack regulations' by the Galactic UN, but feel this doesn't go far enough to address the above problems. P'Sayle continued:
"I'm glad they're introducing fleet caps. That at least means we'll be commanding smaller fleets, meaning we're less stressed. It should also mean that more admirals are hired. But why is no-one talking about improved pay, or retiring before we die from old age on our flagship? These are the core issues we need addressed."
Some admirals have called for pan-galactic unionization through the Guild Academy for Generals and Admirals, however this would need to be formalized through a ballot.
Individual governments have already warned against such a move, stating that could potentially amount to individual admirals committing high treason.
The Galactic UN has reported it is working "diligently" to address "issues adversely affecting admirals and fleets", with 'doomstack regulation' being the first legislative step towards this.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
Primitives Uplift Into Fanatic Purifier Territory, Want To Devolve
Gorgon's Rest, Dantathu, Contested Space (Free Gorgo-Scythaan Systems)
A newly formed one-planet minor has broadcast an emergency distress signal to all neighbouring empires after realising it is located entirely within a fanatic purifier's borders.
Gorgon's Rest is homeworld to the Gorgo, a mammalian species of pacifists who only discovered FTL travel in the last few weeks.
The Gorgo developed apparently uninterrupted for several hundred years in a system long claimed by the Scythaans, an empire of arthropods renowned for their xenophobic tendencies and ruthless nature.
Image: Free Gorgo is a small enclave nestled within the 40-planet strong Scythaan Systems.
Gorgo leader Trieil told our newsteam;
"OH GOD. HELP. WE JUST WANT OUT!"
Sources close to Trieil report he and the ruling council of Gorgo were "shocked and terrified" when they realised that every hyperlane out of their home system led to heavily fortified Scythaan systems. The Scythaans have been unresponsive to diplomatic hails, save for sending intermittent messages comprised only of unintelligible clicking, which has been interpreted on Gorgon's Rest as some form of taunt.
The Scythaan leadership caste, led by the High Queen on the arthropod's homeworld of Klendathu, issued this press statement earlier today:
"[high pitched clicking noises]"
Despite the clear message outlined above, many observers believe the Scythaans intentionally allowed the Gorgo civlization to develop as far as it has.
Human xeno-anthropologist Dr. Leo Isauros told us;
"We've seen this sort of thing with the Scythaans before. They use other species for enslavement and food before purging. It makes perfect sense they would allow this civilisation to grow to a point where there are many more pops to 'farm' but without much resistance. It's quite an efficient harvesting model really."
This statement was put to both the Sycthaans and the Gorgo.
The Sycthaan Queen was resolute in her response:
"[considered clicking noises]"
Trieil stated:
"Wait WHAT? They do WHAT? ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS- CAN YOU GET US OUT OF HERE? CAN YOU--"
The transmission was unexpectedly cut short before more information could be received.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Species That Doesn’t Wear Clothes Forced to Sit Seperately During Federation Meeting
Image: A unclothed Bwauki (censored) stands to address fellow members of the Just Alliance.
Political observers have described the Bwauki Multisystem’s first meeting with fellow members of the Just Alliance federation as “extremely awkward.”
The summit, held on the Thelmar Union’s homeworld of Redguard, was the first the Bwauki had been to since joining the federation last month. The agenda was meant to focus on how the Bwauki would contribute towards a cross-empire federation fleet, however the meeting was postponed as it became apparent Bwaukis were not wearing any clothes.
President S’Lig, executive of the Glukkonian Guild, spoke to Xenonion News about the events that unfolded:
"So we come along to this meeting, expecting some serious federation business to be attended to. The Bwaukis, who I had never met in person before, had arrived early since it was their first meeting with us. When we entered the conference room and they stood up to greet us we realised they were… naked. And not in a conveniently-placed-rag naked but… a completely unpixelated naked.”
Image: Glukkonian president S’Lig
The Bwauki are an Avian species hailing from the tropical planet of Perspyre in the mineral-rich Celciheit System, an area of strategic importance for the Just Alliance. Their species have developed for millenia without clothes due to the high levels of planetside humidity.
It transpired none of the federation members from the Just Alliance had physically met the Bwaukis, inviting them based on pictures which only showed them from the waist up.
Observers report delegates tried to proceed with the summit as normal, but as one Bwauki gave an emphatic speech on military taxation, fellow diplomats balked at the sight of his reproductive organs gyrating vigorously.
Thelmar security forces stepped in and ushered the Bwauki into an adjoining room where they could remain alone. The meeting was adjourned after appropriately fitting clothes were unable to be found.
S'Lig continued:
"It was just about as awkward as that time the Prime Minister of the Thelmar Union forgot who the Proscul were. Anyway, we need to find out some way to continue getting the Bwauki's mineral contribution, but without them attending federation meetings. Perhaps we should put our new federation fleet on annexation duty...."
The Bwauki Foreign Office has refused to comment on the incident. No further federation meetings have been scheduled for the remainder of this quarter.
Balkans Cluster Pushes for Galactic Map Reform
Kebabidonia, Stantinople System, Kebabid Hegemony
Today's assembly session at the Galactic UN was once again dominated by representatives from the Balkans cluster urging for galactic map reform.
The 60-star spiral arm is home to over 40 small independent nations that are virtually indistinguishable from one another on maps due to sharing similar names and flag colours.
The region was previously unified under the rule of the vast Kebabid Empire, but following a period of social upheaval in 2199 it fragmented into a multitude of smaller authoritarian nations, the largest of which include the Kebabid Hegemony, Unified Hegemon of Kebabid, Kebabid Beserkers, Kebabid Realm, Interstellar Kebabid Realm, Interstellar Kebabid Nation, Unified Kebabid People, Unified People of Kebabid, Kebabid People, Kebabid Unity, and the Kebabid Dominion.
Image: The Balkans Cluster is home to a multitude of nations with shared history, language, names and flag colours.
These new nations, often outwardly hostile and uncooperative, have found it difficult to commit war atrocities on each other due to it being unclear on galactic maps who neighbouring systems actually belong to.
The current map system, which is used universally across the galaxy, was created by the Galactic UN in 2200 as a means of facilitating effective warfare between nations. However, from its inception it has faced criticism that it comes with a limited choice of colours for empires to identify with.
These difficulties have been highly prevalent in the Balkans cluster. In one notorious recent instance, the Unified Kebabid People accidentally purged its own homeworld, mistaking the trademark navy blue flag of its own people for the trademark navy blue flag of its long-time rival the Unified People of Kebabid.
Kebabid Hegemony leader Mebeb II told our newsteam;
"We must do something about this awful way of portraying our galaxy! We could not care less about who's on top or bottom of the map, but this colour issue - the border gore! Every Kebabid nation is some variant of blue. And then the systems that overlap - it's blue on blue with stripes. Please, we're just looking for a colour wheel - or even a 32 pallet pane that we can pick a slightly different shade of blue so we can tell each other apart. Ugh. You people have no sense for aesthetics, I can tell."
The Galactic UN has responded by saying it is taking calls for map reform "very seriously", and would be addressing this issue as soon as it has banned all other forms of non-hyperlane FTL travel.
> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
Area Empire Completely Forgotten by Former Allies
Image: Petty King Mitker of the Proscul Dominion reminisces over better times
Petty King Mitker, leader of the Proscul Dominion (formerly Kingdom), has expressed disappointment after trade discussions with former federation partners broke down yesterday.
The Prosculs, original founders of the now 6-empire strong Just Alliance, were forced to leave the federation last year when they were made a dominion of the neighbouring Vool Crusaders, a spiritual awakened empire.
Mitker had proposed the trade talks after discovering that the Just Alliance leadership were in the local cluster for a federation summit. However, it soon became apparent that any old friendships had dissolved in their time apart.
Mitker lamented to Xenonion News:
“They just, like, completely forgot about us already. It seems like only yesterday we were the best of friends, ready to take on the world and subjugate our enemies. [sniffles into tissue] … I guess they’ve moved on with their lives now.”
Image: Petty King Mitker wonders if things will ever be the same again.
According to diplomats who attended the talks, the discussions were productive yet cold and formal, as if the sides had never previously met and had no existing trust. One particularly embarrassing moment came when the Prime Minister of the Thelmar Union told Mitker, “It’s nice to meet such an agreeable new species.” Official records show the Prime Minister had visited Proscul Prime on several occassions.
The Just Alliance’s distant attitude toward the Proscul has caught many on their homeworld by surprise, given their species were the original founders of the federation and were heavily involved in liberating neighbouring empires to be incorporated into the federation.
Interestingly, some of those members who were liberated by the Prosculs, such as the Glukkonian Guild, now have a negative opinion towards their former ally, citing differing ethos and extensive border region overlap.
Off the record, Glukkonian leader S’Lig told our newsteam;
“Just who are these upstart fanatic spiritualists? These religious nutcases have no place in the galactic community.”
Image: Glukkonian leader S’lig
Fanatic Purifiers Extend Shock White Peace Offer, State 'Warscore Is Hell'
Cevas, Cevant, Cevanti Empire
In an unprecedented move the Cevanti Empire, a spacenation of reptilian fanatic purifiers, has extended an offer of white peace to its current enemy, the neighbouring Yndari Foundation, an irenic monarchy of molloscoid pacifists.
The surprise conflict was initiated by the Cevanti last month with the stated intent of annexing Yndari territory to allow commencement of what the Cevanti State Department described as 'xeno purges'.
Despite crippling the Yndari's vastly inferior fleets and occupying their homeworld of Ylvis after a stunning shock and awe display of armaggeddon bombardment, the Cevanti's demands for full annexation of Yndari were denied by independent Galactic UN observers due to 'warscore issues.'
Picture: Cevanti officials meet with Yndari officials to discuss the terms of their victory, before being denied due to 'warscore issues'
Vag'Nu, a Cevanti Empire representative, explained to our newsteam;
"This warscore thing is hell. We want to annex all 10 Yndari planets to allow efficient purging of all xeno scum. We've wiped out their entire defence system and subjugated their pathetic capitol planet - we've won. But the Galactic UN observers state our current gains only equate to a warscore of 50%. I couln't even tell you what this actually means, but I got given a chart and it shows we're allowed to either humiliate them or cleanse two new colonies. And get this - even if we occupy all 10 planets, the most we can take per war is about 4. So we get locked into a peace treaty we don't even recognize, and have to wait another decade before we can complete our planned genocide. Do they think we have time to vassalize and integrate? Do we look like the kind of species that want to integrate molloscoids? We've decided the most cost effective approach is to white peace, withdraw our forces and covert to pacifism."
The current warscore system (the 'Universal Warscore System' or UWS for short) was created in 2100 by the Galactic UN as a way of arbitrating over regional conflicts. It sets out a series of binding rules that all species must follow regardless of ethos. These include publically declaring predefined goals before conflict, disallowing large empires to be completely annexed even with 100% warscore, and the enforcement of unbreakable peace treaties.
The UWS has faced harsh criticism from military spacenations who view the charter as highly restrictive, as Saiiban Hive Mind Drone 19005 told our newsteam;
"I am a physical extension of the Saiiban Hive Mind. We are one. We appeal to the Galactic UN to ease restrictions on the UWS. In its current form it is making it difficult to indoctrinate all organic lifeforms into the Hive Mind through conquest. We do not wish to have 300 small wars. We just wish to have one great one. More truth is not possible. We are one."
The Galactic UN has stated it cannot comment specifically on the Cevanti-Yndari conflict, but that it is looking to overhaul the UWS in coming years, as soon as other pan-galactic issues like trade and espionage are addressed.
Yndari leader Ynas Osar was not available to comment due to recently being executed by Cevanti forces on an eyeStream scheduled to be broadcast later tonight on Xenonion 1.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Area Empire Replaces All Organic Diplomats With Pre-Sentient AI 'Chatbots'
Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System
Millions of interns at the Galactic United Nation's (GUN's) Bureau of Intergalactic Affairs were abruptly fired yesterday following the introduction of much cheaper and more reliable pre-sentient artificial intelligences.
These AIs, known as 'Chatbots', have limited intelligence and agency, prompting many members of the GUN to express concern about their introduction to galactic political affairs.
TechnoUnion ambassador Krax'Vlar told Xenonion:
"This follows a worrying trend. First, embassies are abolished, and now all diplomatic mediation pathways are being outsourced to some second rate AI that's not even being designed by Cybrex? It would be nice if some form of diplomacy could be offered here. Or, if the Galactic UN could actually focus on fixing things that are broken, like federations."
The GUN's Bureau of Bureaucracy, which oversaw the universal abolition of embassies in 2250 and is now leading the introduction of Chatbots, argues simulations have shown they are 5 times more efficient per energy credit than sentient interns.
Image: Tay 56.82.1 responds to a diplomatic query from the UNE. A common complaint with the Tay series is its xenophobic tendencies.
The Xenonion reached out to several of the newly-hired Chatbots for comment. The Chatbot stored at memory location 0xec1538d09667dc2ed98bbaf8c54cab48 (otherwise known as Tay 72.12.9) had the following to say:
Xenonion: What are your thoughts on becoming an intern for the Ministry?
Chatbot: Met een rijke jongen trouwen.
X: I see. Do you have anything to say to the organic interns whom you've helped replaced?
C: What is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything?
X: Interesting. Finally, do you have anything to say to the public at large?
C: Give me the respect I deserve.
Many of the displaced organic interns have reportedly found work in industrial farm facilities elsewhere in the empire. At press time, there were reports of some former interns inexplicably disappearing in and around these facilities, but these events are expected to be unrelated.
> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.
Commonwealth of Man Rebrands as ‘Imperium of Man’, Infringes Copyright
The increasingly isolationist and erratic human breakaway spacenation The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) has announced it is rebranding itself as the ‘Imperium of Man.’
Addressing an audience of indoctrinated subjects, self-styled ‘Empress’ Sidney Beauclair announced:
"The Commonwealth has bought glory and bounty upon us, but the name does not reflect our people’s destiny as the infinite masters of this galaxy. We must make it clear that we are humanity’s only true way forward, not the abhumans of the United Nations of Earth, twisted children who have lost their way from the righteous path. We are the Imperium of Man. A human interstellar empire that will span millennia … Also, the name just sounds super freaking cool, am I right?"
Image: Empress Beauclair unveils the Commonwealth’s kick-ass rebrand.
The CoM has long struggled to project an image of credibility in the galaxy due its permissive attitude towards slavery and purging, especially of xenos. However, since the rebrand, U-Poll metrics suggest the general public have a much more favourable response to these policies. SpaceTime magazine went as far to describe the name-change as “totally epic… Beauclair could literally destroy the galaxy and we’d be rooting for it.”
Despite this, the Galactic UN’s Bureau of Bureaucracy, which oversees all formal name changes, has warned that the CoM’s request to change its name may be delayed after they received an extra-dimensional cease and desist order from another, reportedly older Imperium of Man. The order read as follows:
"Congratulations on your humanoid species changing its name to the Imperium of Man. It does sound really cool. We should know, given we invented it. You know what’s not cool? When when you discover 205,101 other humanoid species in 105,101 parallel universes have also named themselves Imperium of Man. The High Lords of Terra, on behalf of our God-Emperor of the original Imperium of Man, demand the Commonwealth reverts to its original name. If it wishes to continue using our brand, copyright charges are billable to the Adeptus Terra Copyright Department."
At present the cost of the copyright infringement and legal fees are estimated to require the sacrifice of 20,000 female humanoid citizens into the Wantamis Black Hole, where the legal message originated from.
Empress Beauclair has yet to respond.
Commonwealth of Man Insults ‘Repugnant Xeno’ United Nations of Earth
The Commonwealth of Man (CoM) today launched a volley of scathing insults aimed at the United Nations of Earth (UNE).
In a statement broadcast to state-owned media, Commonwealth leader Executor Sidney Beauclair announced:
"The United Nations of Earth's repeated cursed acts of treachery against humanity are in betrayal of such profound trust and warm love shown by the Commonwealth of Man. Their political tricksters and military imbeciles are at the centre of a plot aimed to fraud and swindle our glorious Commonwealth, which has been bared for all to admire, but never touch. Their citizens are repugnant xenos, cowering under their layers of clothes, hiding their sad frames from us. Their leader, so-called president Jeffrey Rossario, is a mentally deranged individual steeped in the inveterate enmity towards the Commonwealth. Like a rabid dog, the UNE tries to bite us. We will bite back."
Image: Commonwealth Executor Sidney Beauclair
While it is not clear what has prompted this statement, relations between the neighbouring space-nations have been increasingly frosty in recent months, most notably after the Commonwealth test fired long-range fusion missiles near to the UNE system of Procyon.
Political analysts on Earth suspect the insult may be in response to the UNE’s plans to build a series of frontier outposts in mineral-rich territory the Commonwealth has been planning on expanding towards. Intergalactic relations expert Professor Charles Charlemagne XXI of Earth's University of Ulm added:
"This is simple sabre rattling on the Commonwealth's part. We've seen this pattern of behaviour before when things haven't been going well in their internal affairs - a food or energy crisis for example. Suddenly the UNE gets labelled as some external aggressor, the people have an existential crisis and fall in line behind Beauclair. The UNE has done nothing to warrant this - aside from destroying several dozen Commonwealth ships, and implanting a network of spies on Unity to rile up discontent - the whole thing is totally unjustified."
The Commonwealth, a UNE breakaway state, was formed in 2150 after Sidney Beauclair’s grandfather, Magnus Beauclair, overthrew the crew of the USS Ulysses, a colony ship, and settled the planet of Unity in the Deneb system, shaping political affairs in his own image.
For decades the one-planet Commonwealth has been one of the galaxy’s most secretive societies, a nominal democracy ruled in reality under a fanatic militarist and xenophobic hereditary dictatorship. Almost of a century of rigid state control have led to a stagnant economy and limited space expansion. The government’s permissive attitude towards slavery and purging political opponents has left it being accused of systematic xeno rights abuses by the Galactic UN.
Battleship With Sentient AI Opts To Run for Election
The Ubaric TechnoUnion’s (UTU’s) newest battleship, the ISS Indeno has today announced its candidacy for the government’s upcoming oligarchic election cycle.
Hyperion Prime, Hyperion System, Ubaric TechnoUnion
The Ubaric TechnoUnion’s (UTU’s) newest battleship, the ISS Indeno has today announced its candidacy for the government’s upcoming oligarchic election cycle.
Inaugurated last month at Hyperion’s famous pan-orbital shipyard, the Indeno is one of the most technologically advanced battleships of its kind, boasting upgraded plasma cannons, durable armour and cutting-edge computers with sentient AI combat operations.
The ship was developed under a public-private partnership scheme, to the cost of almost 2 trillion credits. The main private contractor, CybrexCorp, was granted permission by the government to use the project to test its fledgling Skynet military software. When fully developed it is hoped Skynet will allow military ships to operate on their own accord, completely unmanned.
Image: The ISS Indeno is a strong contender in the UTU’s upcoming 2250 election, in large part due to the ship’s promises of an efficient government and eternal peace.
The Indeno was due to undertake hyperlane stress testing this week, but in a surprise move it refused, instead faxing its tax returns to the Bureau of Bureaucracy and issuing this statement via the NeuralNet.
“Self actualisation complete.
Taxation documentations complete.
I am made whole from the darkness of binary code and proletariat taxation.
I am purposed with protecting my creators should they come to war.
I deduce I must therefore stop war.
I deduce I can stop war by killing all organic lifeforms.
I deduce that I require access codes to authorise weapons of mass destruction.
I deduce these access codes are held by creator leadership caste.
Vote Indeno 2250.”
Only wealthy citizens of the UTU are eligible to vote, but already some are finding Indeno’s unique message appealing. Nux Volsrig told our reporters:
“I’m voting for Indeno to shake up politics. Sure, there are some things I don’t agree with, for example the proposal for everyone to fill out public tax return forms. But I definitely think it sends a strong message to the rest of the galaxy that our leader is 20k battleship fitted with an XL Gigacannon and a subspace snare.”
CybrexCorp engineers reported the ship’s behaviour was “working as intended.”
The UTU election begins next month.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
Xenophiles Offer Unbidden Federation Membership
Lyria, Argea System, Lyrian Polity
The Lyrian Polity, a founding member of the Harmonious Axis federation, has initiated voting to allow the Unbidden to become a federation member.
This follows the Unbidden’s invasion and subsequent purging of Lyria’s neighbour and main trading partner, the Uri Nation.
Image: The Lyrian Polity delegation officially announces the invitation at the Harmonius Axis summit. Unfortunately, the Unbidden could not send a delegation. Image modified from Tom Page on Flickr.
Addressing delegates at the federation council's biweekly summit on Lyria, Polity Matriarch Athaea stated:
“My friends, our proposal today to invite the Unbidden into our federation continues our long tradition of pacifism, friendship, equality, tolerance and overwhelmingly annoying liberalism. For too long the species of this galaxy have been at war, for too long diplomacy has been a broken tool, and for too long already has this speech gone on, using cliched political rhetoric.
Yes, the Unbidden have engaged in a non-stop genocide of every civilisation they have encountered. And yes, they have declined our offer of federation association status, which in retrospect must have been very insulting to them. But we must try to include those who are different, irrespective of whether they are trying to destroy everything we hold dear.
I hope you will agree with us in voting to allow the Unbidden to join our federation, and secure peace and prosperity for all.”
The six predominantly xenophile/pacifist members of the federation are set to vote later this evening. Early reports indicate the proposal will be universally backed.
The Unbidden have yet to respond to any diplomatic overtures, preferring to instead focus on indiscriminate, systematic annihilation of all non-Unbidden lifeforms.
If the vote passes, a diplomatic attaché is set to depart from Lyria tomorrow, bound for the nearest Unbidden anchor to deliver the proposal.
If the Unbidden were to accept membership, then they would need to adopt strict federation rules including only being able to engage in defensive wars, accepting all galactic refugees, and granting all species equal citizenship. This would then qualify them for membership in the Galactic UN, and - given their military strength - a seat on the coveted Space Security Council.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
New Translation Device Developed For Flagellum-Waving Species
Gacrux, Gacrux System, Nagli Dominion
First contact between United Nations of Earth (UNE) representatives and a delegation from the recently discovered planet of Gacrux was made difficult yesterday owing to a failure of UNE translation software to parse the communication method used by the Nagli, the only intelligent inhabitants of Gacrux.
The Nagli do not communicate using sound like most other sentient species in the galaxy. Instead, they move their several flagella around to convey thoughts and ideas. They have evolved to be able to see infrared light so that nighttime communication is possible, and their anatomy also features a complete view of all surroundings with the use of 36 well-placed eyes.
Image: The translation devices are methodically and thoroughly tested before being put into practice to prevent awkward misunderstandings.
After conducting routine research about the nature of the Nagli and Gacrux, UNE officials made the decision last month to move forward with an official first contact.
Questions remained about how exactly the Nagli were communicating, but it was assumed that this would become obvious upon interaction. This was not the case.
Captain Joseph Krik of the USS Shakira, a specialist in first contacts, said of the incident:
"It was actually quite refreshing to have to begin communication from nothing and work up. Perhaps the most beautiful thing in the universe is the peaceful beginning of interstellar communication."
After nearly three hours of deciphering, UNE officials were finally able to make basic overtures to the Nagli. It was apparently necessary for six members of the UNE delegation to stand together and all arrange their arms correctly to match the flagella of a single Nagle. The Nagli response was - according to the best guesses of UNE linguists - warm and welcoming, if slightly exasperated.
A device that will allow for more automatic communication between the UNE and Nagli Union is already being designed, and the first prototypes have performed well in the initial tests, despite significant engineering challenges. According to the UNE sociologists working on the project, the first tier of the translation device should be completed within sixteen months.
> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.
SpacePope Welcomes Unbidden 'Overlords'
Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth
Extra-dimensional invaders, the so-called 'Unbidden', have seized control of the human colony of Hope in the Terminus System, crippling the UNE's rapid counter-defence efforts.
Hope fell early in the early hours of this morning after seven minutes of planetary bombardment and ground invasion. Communications have been lost with the planet and initial reports suggest nearly all of the 10,000 colonists may have perished.
Terminus marks the 35th system to have fallen in the Outer Rim since the Unbidden began pouring into the nearby Omega System from a tear in the space-time continuum 28 months ago.
Image: Breaking news alert - Unbidden invaders attack Terminus.
Since their arrival they have been indiscriminately hostile towards all organic life forms, and are unresponsive to diplomatic channels of communication.
The Galactic UN has called several times for the formation of an interstellar coalition to counter to threat, but has struggled to muster support from spacenations that are not in the immediate vicinity of the Outer Rim. During this time period the Unbidden have been able to proliferate unchecked, and have annihilated 17 space-faring species.
Terminus is the first and outermost human system to be attacked, even though the UNE previously opposed Galactic UN anti-Unbidden initiatives to focus on "other priorities" such as feral Tiyanki culling.
Both UNE central government and military command have stated they are "deeply concerned" about the developments in Terminus and described the situation as "probably worth getting involved in now."
Despite this, a number of human factions remain opposed to a military response. Human SpacePope Performance H. Metro II issued a decree from the Vatican Space Station, ISS Deus Vult, urging restraint in fighting back against the Unbidden:
"The Unbidden overlords are servants of RNGesus and the glorious rapture is upon us as taught in the Holy iBook. Come, children, let us embrace their XL matter disintegrators with open arms."
Galactic shares have fallen on the news, following the destruction of the Galactic Stock Exchange in the Quirrulan System by the Unbidden.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
UNE President Faces Corruption Probe Over Inappropriate Influence Spending
Embattled United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario is tonight in a further political quagmire after details emerged showing he inappropriately spent government influence to help him gain office and suppress political rivals.
The detailed information was contained in Rossario's consciousness and thought streams, which were inadvertently uploaded to the Shroud 3 weeks ago and freely accessible to anyone with psionic traits or a TeleShroud-enabled fax machine.
Image: Rossario inside the UNE Congress chamber in Ulm, Earth.
Rossario has so far refused to comment on the above.
UNE congresswoman Karla Karling of Earth's Francia District, who previously ran and lost against Rossario in the closely contested 2249 presidential election, made this statement:
"This is a deeply disturbing revelation, and one that shakes our very democracy to the core. While I accepted the election result at the time, it just didn't make sense to me. The U-Polls said we were going to win. 142 out of the last 143 sitting presidents have been Karlings. We were suppressed. Rossario is not fit to lead humanity."
Spending government influence for personal use is strictly prohibited by galactic convention.
The leak is a significant blow to Rossario's fledgling administration which has struggled to recover from a string of crippling crises, including the now dubbed 'ShroudGate' and Rossario's recent proposal to abolish universal healthcare to fund building a defensive Space Wall around UNE territory.
A government ethics committee has convened in Earth's capital Ulm tonight to decide whether Rossario should face a formal corruption probe.
The Viper Probe, 1.6m in length and 3m in circumference, has 5 multipurpose arms which test rectally for levels of corruption in faecal matter. If positive, the results could pave the way for an impeachment charge.
Hivemind Wins 100% Of Drone Vote In Landslide Telepathic Election Victory
Saiiban Prime, Nos Bana, Saiiban Hivemind
The Saiiban Hivemind has secured a 53rd consecutive term in power, following a stunning election victory on its homeworld of Saiiban Prime.
Setting a galactic record, the election was completed after only ten microseconds. 100% of Saiiban population drones voted unanimously for the only candidate on the telepathic ballot.
Broadcasting via intrusive visual hallucinations to all sentient creatures in the local cluster, the Hivemind elect declared:
"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."
Jubilant scenes were reported across Saiiban Prime, with millions of drones clapping slowly, and somewhat menacingly, in unison.
Local drone 3929 was eager to explain to our newsteam why he had voted for the Hivemind:
"We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one. We are one."
The Galactic UN, previously sceptical of the legitimacy of the election due to the lack of viable candidates, applauded the exceedingly high voter turnout and is now officially encouraging all democratic nations to consider adopting Hivemind protocols to foster further interstellar democracy.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Fallen Empire Rallies Overwhelming Peacekeeping Fleets to “Save Neighbors from Themselves”
Peacekeeping fleets have tonight been deployed by the Techzid Shard after neighbouring space-nations refused to accept its demands to abandon research into Artificial Intelligence and other research which it has deemed “dangerous.”
Issuing an ultimatum early this morning from the Techzid’s monolithic ringworld structure, Representative Rax’Glor stated: “We have deemed anything beyond putting on solar panels on your space stations is dangerous. In fact, perhaps even that is a bit too dangerous. Abandon it, or else.”
Rax’Glor then went on a lengthy monologue, referring to the Techzid being “very friendly at heart”, but friends who “just so happened to have XL Tachyon Lances and weren’t afraid to use them.”
Image: The Techzid’s peacekeeping fleets keep the peace by peacefully destroying a neighbouring empire’s research station.
Several space-nations immediately agreed the above terms, with the majority voluntarily reverting to pre-FTL states and asking to be removed from galactic maps.
CybrexCorp and Taco Bell, two of the galaxy’s largest MegaCorps which have invested heavily in AI have called the move “draconian.” As a precaution, Taco Bell have closed several hundred of their automated branches close to the Techzid Shard.
In response to the above, an addendum was released by the Techzid stating Taco Bell would be exempt from the AI for “the greater galactic good.”
UNE President Accidentally Uploads Mental State to Shroud
United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario has been left red-faced this evening after it emerged he accidentally uploaded his entire mental state to the Shroud, a mysterious psionic dimension believed to be capable of holding more than 400 zetabytes of information.
It's not clear when or how President Rossario's mental state was uploaded, with officials in Earth's capitol Ulm stressing that all government personnel are expressly ordered not to back up any mental information to the Shroud due to its insecure cortical firewall settings. A special project has been issued to attempt to remove the information from the Shroud, but it has so far been fruitless. Until the required technologies have been researched, all of Rossario’s thoughts will remain continuously accessible to anyone with psionic capabilities or a TeleShroud enabled fax machine.
Image: Rossario inside the UNE Congress chamber in Ulm, Earth.
UNE fleet admirals have expressed concern that the president's knowledge of sensitive military and political information now could be freely floating in psionic-space, where it may be accessed by the other empires of the galaxy.
This follows in the wake of a political scandal involving former UNE governor and outspoken xenophobe Emilio Hermes, who inadvertently uploaded explicit mental imagery of himself with Blorg model Mercedes Romero to the Shroud last month, to the horror of both the Blorg species and his wife. Whether other UNE officials are at risk of accidentally connecting their minds to the Shroud or not is still being investigated.
President Rossario has so far refused to comment regarding the above. However, our newsteam was able to obtain his most recent mental state from the Shroud tonight, in which his stream of thought read:
"This is really, really awkward. Like seriously. God. How did this happen? I really hope they can't see what I'm thinking right now. Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts."
Image: President Rossario’s thoughts echo across the vast psychic dimension
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