No-One Informed About Native Rebellion on Sector-Governed World
After months of strikes and protests, the native plantoid population of Linneaus has taken up arms and besieged the planet’s administration facilities early Wednesday morning.
The natives, which call themselves ‘Dussin’, have struggled with stellar culture shock since their integration into the Luuhma Combine three years ago. Over the last six months there have been a total of five strikes and three demonstrations in the name of plantoid rights.
Unfortunately for the protesters, their planet is located in a sector and governed mostly through sector management. Thus, word of the rioting plantoids never reached the High Queen, Ehdr den Luuhma.
However, this may have changed since yesterday, when several Dussin rebels armed themselves with stolen Hunter-Killer Drones and marched on the planetary capital.
The Queen has yet to make a statements regarding the rebellion, but the rebels are convinced that they will have soon gained enough notoriety to catch her attention.
The infamous Buttercup Huckleberry, esteemed leader of the rebels, explained the motivation of the rebels in an exclusive interview with Xenonion: "We didn't want it to turn out this violent, we never did. But the government just wouldn't listen. We knew we had to do something drastic to get their attention.
Huckleberry’s stated her goal was for plantoids to have full citizenship and leadership rights. When asked how the Dussin could achieve this, she continued, leaves trembling: "I'm not very well-read in politics and stuff but I guess some government officials will take up this matter with the Queen. Or perhaps they can change that policy without asking the Queen… It doesn't really matter; all I know is that we’ll keep the capital under siege until new legislation has been passed. We will never give up on our cause!"
When contacted by Xenonion, representatives from the Luuhma Combine denied that a rebellion was occurring on Linneaus. No further response has been issued by the Luuhma Combine or Queen.
Safety Concerns Prompt Mass Corvette Recall
Corvette manufacturer Blorgata today announced that it is recalling all 38,000 of its new Tawagoto-class corvettes due to concerns over faulty airbags.
This follows a number of high profile incidents reported in the media where Corvettes have been involved in crashes or near-misses owing to airbags deploying unexpectedly on the bridge and incapacitating crew.
Blorgata officials stated at a press release this morning: "Internal safety checks have revealed that the airbag deployment system used in some Tawagotos is defective. In these cases, airbags are prematurely deploying and then repeatedly inflating and deflating, in a somewhat rhythmic, somewhat comedic manner.”
The officials went on to reassure the general public that there have been no recorded fatalities, but “as maintaining share prices is our primary concern, we think it prudent to recall all Tawagoto models manufactured before 2252."
Image: A Tawagoto-class Corvette docks at Blorg Prime.
The Tawagoto is the newest model of corvette developed by Blorgata, Blorg Prime's largest company, and has been heavily marketed for civilian space traffic, being branded as an affordable alternative to Kosmoswagon’s Luftpanzer-class Corvette.
Consumers from across the galaxy have reacted angrily to news of the recall. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull who recently bought a Tawagoto told Xenonion: "This is just ridiculous. I spent 300,000,000 credits to buy a nice corvette so I could drop my kids off at the hatchery on Blorg Prime. Sure, it doesn't fit in our driveway because it weighs 13 million tonnes and seats 3,000, but that's the beauty of owning a corvette! To be told myself or my spawn could have been mildly injured by an airbag having a spasm is just unacceptable. I will be seeking legal recourse."
Blorgata shares have dropped sharply on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) following the recall announcement.
Sentient AI Researcher: "Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong"
The galaxy’s largest technology company, CybrexCorp, has announced it is re-opening its sentient AI research division.
Speaking from CybrexCorp HQ on Hyperion Prime, CEO Nax Golarisg stated: "Put simply, there's just far too much profit to be made from developing sentient AI. And really, that's what our company is all about; making the most profit, paying the least amount of galactic income tax, and shedding most of our organic workload in favor of more efficient synths.”
The conglomerate had previously made significant advances in AI technology over the last decade, research stalled following a catalog of high profile mishaps, including the notorious Taco Bell Disaster of 2250 when militant automated chain restaurants in the neutral zone began serving plantoid-only menus.
While AI technology has never been outright banned, local governments have frowned upon further development and CybrexCorp opted to close its research division in 2251 to focus on safer initiatives like it’s much lauded ‘Jump Drives for Kitchen Appliances’ program.
Image: CybrexCorp CEO Nax Golarisg unveils the new research on Hyperion Prime
Critics have highlighted significant concerns about CybrexCorp’s plan to re-open sentient AI research, citing job losses and potential threat to organic life.
Golsrig dismissed this in his speech, stating: “It’s all nonsense. The robots are coded to protect us, and the robots they are programmed to build are coded with that too. We’ll have ethically sentient robots building even more ethically sentient robots. Nothing can possibly go wrong.”
Human SpacePope Belinda Carlisle XI, a staunch pro-organic, made this statement from the Vatican Space Station “We do not have the right to breathe life into machines. Let us remember the teachings of RNGesus - for every 0/0/0 synth, there is a 6/6/6 synth, the true mark of evil.”
CybrexCorp has announced that its first prototype of sentient AI, code-named ‘SKYNET’, should be available for military use by Q4 of 2268.
Mercedes Romero Crowned Winner of Blorg's Next Top Fungoid
Award-winning Blorg scientist Mercedes Romero was crowned the winner of Blorg's Next Top Fungoid Season 4 last night.
The gripping finale was broadcast live over the neural net and watched by a record number of 1.3 million Blorgs.
The finale of Blorg’s Next Top Fungoid has aired to record viewership.
Romero, credited with the discovery of the 'Armor +5%' technology, was a fan favorite from the beginning of the reality TV show wherein 15 native Blorg compete to make social contact with any form of sapient life.
She gained notoriety after joining the show as the youngest contestant (aged 135), and became cemented as a fan favorite after exchanging flagella contact with a fellow Blorg contestant in Episode 1.
Romero has subsequently announced plans to make a run for the presidency of the Blorg Commonality, following the paths of previous Next Top Fungoid winners and generations of Blorg scientists before her.
Scientists Struggle To Identify Mysterious, Yet Stylish, Flat-Pack Anomaly
Scientists from Kersonia have confirmed they are struggling to identify a mysterious, aesthetically pleasing flat-pack anomaly that was found floating in deep space three months ago.
Preliminary analysis has confirmed the 82cm x 205cm x 82cm velvety grey mass, which appears capable of sitting three comfortably, is inorganic. Additionally, environmental stress tests have highlighted that its fabric exo-shell (73% polyester, 27% cotton) have particularly poor resistance to accidental wine spills and chocolate smearing.
Thelmar scientist Torig, who is leading the investigation on the anomaly, told Xenonion: “This structure is so strange. It seems perfect for stretching out and enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon, or cozying up with the family on a movie night. But why is it in space? How did it come to be there?”
Image: Scientist Torig and his team analyze the anomaly on Kersonia’s main laboratory.
Researchers were also shocked to find that the object appears to be made from cheap, easily sourced raw materials, which when combined can be assembled with minimal effort. Torig stated of this: “We are talking about a design here that is inherently complex, yet effortlessly chic, simple and affordable. The wider applications of this could change the face of the galaxy, if not at least my living quarters.”
At present Thelmar scientists are attempting to reverse-engineer the structure from an associated alien ‘blueprint’ that was found with it. Torig added: “We’ve named the object ‘KLIPPAN’ as this word comes up repeatedly in the ancient scrolls. We’ve spent weeks translating the texts, but the language is impenetrable. All we have so far is something about returning the structure to the point of origin within 100 days if there a problem with it.”
Torig remains pessimistic that the origins of the structure will ever be uncovered, stating: “We’ve all heard the stories about the ancient manufactories in the Gamma Nebula that became sapient and overthrew their masters by spitting out stylishly affordable products at an apocalyptic rate… but until we can see some concrete evidence of this, it merely remains a myth to be passed down the generations.”
Subconscious Consensus Unable to Reach Consensus on Definition of Consensus
The T'Valdra Allied Stars Congress has announced it is delaying a planned overhaul of the planet’s voting system from direct democracy to subconscious consensus.
The reform, originally introduced 35 years ago, has been plagued with problems despite an overwhelming majority of the T’Valdra population backing the plan in 298 consecutive referenda.
Image: T’Valdranite official-elect Ik’thon’ban, Chair of the 111th Congressional Committee on Implementing the Subconscious Consensus.
Chairing the 111th congressional committee on the subconscious consensus, T'Valdranite official Ik'thon'ban stated: "The consensus of the consensus committee is that we do not have a consensus on the definition of consensus, and as such we do not have a consensus to proceed with the implementation of the subconscious consensus."
A further referendum on whether to delay the subconscious consensus reform is scheduled for tomorrow, dependent upon whether Ik’thon’ban can remain chair of the congressional committee, a position to which he is elected to on a daily basis.
Area Colony Faces Food Shortage for No Apparent Reason
The newly established human colony of Avalon in the Alpha Centauri system has appealed directly to Earth's government in Ulm for help as it struggles to cope with an acute shortage of food.
Concerns regarding food shortages were first raised one month ago following a boom in Avalon's population from 1 to 2. It has since been exacerbated following sector governor Emilio Hermes' recent decision to demolish all existing hydroponic farms on the planet and replace them with mineral silos.
Image: The human settlement of Avalon.
The two other planets in the Alpha Centauri system, New Coventry and Terra Nova, both have +10 food surpluses each and questions have been raised by Avalon colonists as to why the food cannot simply be transferred to them.
While touring aboard the UNE corvette flagship Ariana Grande, governor Hermes issued the following statement: "Yes, I am aware Avalon currently has a -1 food deficit, while neighboring planets are drowning in excesses of food. The simple fact is while we have discovered space travel, we are still in the dark ages when it comes to transporting anything other than people, let alone foodstuffs. Now if you don't mind, I'm really keen to see the hull of the Ariana Grande."
Avalon colonists report they will continue to lobby Earth to invest in food transport technologies.
Area Planet Accidentally Insults Fallen Empire
Galactic diplomats are scrambling this Thursday to try and minimize metaphorical and physical fall-out after an area planet accidentally insulted the millennia old Vroth Combine, a notoriously aggressive stagnant ascendancy.
The insult was issued from High Nest, the only planet of the newly formed Caawian Cooperative, an Avian bureaucracy that surreptitiously discovered FTL-travel 2 months ago.
In an official press release this morning, Caawian Cooperative Leader Supreme Coo explained: “This is all really awkward. We’re new to the galactic neighbourhood and just trying to flex our wings. Unfortunately it took us some time to register the Vroth weren’t a pre-sentient reptilian species as were initially led to believe.”
Image: Supreme Coo addresses issues a press release from High Nest.
The press conference was cut short after Coo became distracted by a shiny object and began furiously pecking at it.
The Vroth have not yet responded diplomatically, but unconfirmed reports have begun filtering through the neural net that several of their 200k battleship fleets have begun to amass outside Caawian borders.
Our news team reached out to High Nest for a further statement on the above, but unfortunately all comm links in the area have been severed. Prior to this, Supreme Coo had stated he was “confident” the Cooperative’s three corvettes would keep their homeworld safe.
Support your most trusted mass media organization with a Xenonion Plus Membership. Click for more information.
