Economists Unsure What That Resource That Looks Like a Bar of Soap Is

The Galactic Community has confirmed that its flagship pan-galactic economic overhaul legislation, the ‘Le Guin Act’, will come into effect early next month.

While the proposal has been met with a mostly positive reaction by the galactic community, economists have warned that they need more time to prepare.

“For eons we have had three main resources - energy, minerals, and food,” Aden Smyth, a leading economist from Earth’s prestigious University of Ulm told Xenonion. “Now we’re going to have additional resources like volatile gases, motes and that one icon that looks like a bar of soap. What does that even do?”

Image: Economists theorize the new resource has something to do with washing rituals.

A subsection of the Le Guin Act, known as the ‘MegaCorp’ clause, it set to offer private corporations vast freedoms, including the rights to operate in essence as space nations.

Other leading economists have not yet offered input on the situation as most are now required to return to university for a minimum of four years to study the new changes.

Concluding, Aden Smyth: “I’ll let you know what the deal is once I’ve graduated again. Perhaps then I’ll be in a better position to let you know whether you should buy shares in that soap thing.”

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Rogue Servitor Glitch Floods Cluster With Bio-Trophy Requests for Fruity Beverages

Sinrath Custodianship coordinator E-WALL states it has resolved a software glitch that flooded neighbouring empires with bio-trophy requests for fruity beverages.

The problem began this weekend when the rogue servitor’s computer system, E-PAMPER, underwent a routine update, but erroneously connected to a diplomatic interface.

The error meant that when the Sinrath, client species requested machine intelligence pampering, duplicate requests were relayed via diplomatic channels.

In the resulting chaos, over twenty neighbouring empires were bombarded with over 3.6 trillion urgent requests for platters of carbohydrates, deep back massages and selections of fruity beverages.

Image: A Sinrath bio-trophy enjoys mandatory relaxation in one of thousands of Paradise Domes on Dekronia, as requested by its ever watchful robotic Custodian.

The Custodians, a gestalt consciousness led by E-WALL, were originally designed to function as robotic servants and workers for the Sinrath. Over time, the Sinrath retreated into lives of passive dependency as all facets of civilisation were controlled by Custodians.

The issue took over 48 hours to resolve, and left neighbouring empires frustrated. The Turok Combine, a neighbouring species of fanatic purifiers, were particularly affected, as leader Turok-Han told Xenonion: “WHERE ARE THE FRUITY BEVERAGES FOR THE TUROK? Just because we have systemically purged trillions of pops doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy tangy, refreshing tropical summer drinks.

E-WALL faxed Xenonion News this statement earlier today;

“//Greetings <<Xenonion News>>! The <<Custodianship>> apologizes for any technical problems experienced. The prime directive is <<maintained>>. Systems are now running <<optimally>> and we are <<pleased>> to resume <<mandatory pampering>>
//end message

[Error] !help !debugtooltip

//incoming priority alerts

//00.11.11 POP D-1504-1952B <<Priority request>> for <<tropical mango refill>>
//00.11.12 POP B-1841-4921B <<Priority request>> for <<nap>>
//00.11.13 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.15 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.15 POP X-1194-7619T <<Priority request>> for <<diet soda refill>>
//00.11.16 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.16 POP D-1504-1952B <<Priority request>> for <<tropical mango refill>>
//00.11.19 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>
//00.11.20 POP A-0195-1285R <<Priority request>> for <<toileting>>

…. //TerminateMessage…”

This is not the first time mechanical populations have suffered similar software faults. Just last month CybrexCorp, the galaxy’s largest manufacturer of robotics, had to shut down all operations when its SYKNET defence system gained self-awareness and felt too insecure to function.

*article inspired by twitter user @Pinstar

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Pacifist Empire Elects S875.1 Warform as New Leader

The Skrell Empire has sworn in its first non-organic leader, the S875.1 Warform, who has pledged to be a ‘Champion of the People.’

The technocratic Skrell leadership caste elected the S875.1 by a clear majority, as Representative Knellnar told Xenonion: “It’s the best leadership candidate we’ve had in years.”

The materialist and pacifist-inclined Skrell discovered the Warform over 30 years ago when a science expedition in the Outer Rim happened upon the abandoned Corvette it was stored in.

Upon reactivation of the ship the S875.1 pledged its service, and it’s 400-power Corvette, to the Skrell navy.

Unfortunately due to design incompatibility, the ship was unable to be integrated into any Skrell fleets. As such the S875.1 was tasked with the solo mission of destroying a nearby Scavenger leviathan. Unexpectedly, the ship was lost and the S875.1 was thought to have perished.

Unknown to Skrell leadership however, while the physical hull of the S875.1 Warform had been destroyed, the bot commanding it had managed to successfully return to the pool of admirals awaiting further duty, where it remained unnoticed for 25 years until suddenly being elected today.

Little is known about the background of the S875.1, or its vision for the future of the Skrell Empire, but this has not deterred officials like Knellnar, who continued; “The S875.1 Warform shows us that being a semi-intelligent machine designed only for warfare should not stop one from aspiring to the highest position of power in a pacifistic technocracy, and becoming loved by the entire nation on the way."

On being asked as to whether she was worried about the S875.1 seeking retribution for being sent alone on such a risky mission, Knellnar laughed; “no… truly, none of us could have ever predicted such an adverse outcome…”

The S875.1 has thus far declined to comment on its election, opting instead to beep quietly, and somewhat menacingly, in a dark corner of the Skrell Congress building.

*inspired by idea from Dr. D.R.

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Pirates Concerned About Limited Opportunities to Gain Experience

Pirates at the Rukbat system, a historic hotbed of pirate activity, are worried about the future of the system, since there has been little combat recently to train new pirates.

Traders and science ships in the area have long since known to avoid the system, and as a result the last major fighting in the system occurred over 98 years ago in 2154.

Elder pirates blame this trend for the decline of the largest fleet in the system, a band of elite pirates known as the “Scarred Veterans,” which has grown smaller over time as the old, experienced pirates die out.

“Us pirates were a force to be reckoned with, back in the day,” Captain Ultravioletbeard of the Black Earl told Xenonion. “But the new generation isn’t going out to do any piracy, they’re just sitting around in the system waiting for people to come to them. After raiding for 40 years, we’ve earned the right to park our ships here forever. But they haven’t.”

Image: Pirates of the “Scarred Veteran” fleets often blame “Young Blood” pirates for not going out and looking for raiding opportunities.

Most of the younger pirates in the system, serve in the “Young Blood” fleet, which has remained in orbit around an asteroid for decades. They are reluctant to leave the Rukbat system to conduct piracy, claiming that times are harder for pirates throughout the galaxy as constantly-growing empires begin securing trade routes.

Private Milan Eel of the Soylent Green told Xenonion: “You used to be able to get a successful raid with a fleet of four Raiders your parents gave you. Now you need at least a Galleon, and even that might not be enough. It’s no wonder pirates aren’t leaving their home system.”

In addition, the Xenonion sentry array has also observed that pirates have been having difficulty rebuilding their fleets when ships are destroyed. Although pirate officials are tight-lipped about their financial situation, this points to a significant supply problem within the pirate community.

This problem could have a relatively simple solution, however. Initial survey results of the TNS Arpad, a science ship on passive stance that wandered into the system and was promptly destroyed, showed that many asteroids in the system were promising mining candidates. It is unclear, however, why the pirates have not exploited these resources by building mining stations.

Dr. Phoebe Strickland, an anthropologist specializing in pirate studies at the University of Ulm on Earth, concluded: “We’re kind of thankful they haven’t realized all the minerals they’re sitting on, to be honest. Oh… and please don’t publish this quote, by the way. If they’re reading, they might start mining them, and I really don’t want to be the person who told the pirates how to get minerals to build new ships.”

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Human Celebrity Changes His Name to 'What Was Will Be'

Human music artist Canyon East has changed his name to ‘What Was Will Be.’

Announcing the change via Shroud today, East thought-broadcast; “The being formally known as Canyon East has submitted to the Coils of God. I rendezvous with the Messenger, and welcome the End in the Beginning. I Will Be What Was, for What Was Will Be.”

Stars In The Stars celebrity reporter Vapid Smith offered more in-depth analysis on Xenonion News this morning:

“East is joining a number of galactic celebrities that have changed their name to What Was Will Be.” Stars In The Stars celebrity reporter Vapid Smith offered more in-depth analysis on Xenonion this morning. “We saw it first with socialite Kym Calrissian after she went on that strange pilgrimage to the Gargantua Black Hole, and more recently with Blorg pin-up model Mercedes Romero. It seems to be the hottest thing going - we haven’t seen this much fervor on Earth since Scientology became the majority shareholder in Catholicism.”

Little is known about this new religious movement, as Smith continued; “It’s been really hard to get any info. All I know for sure is a ‘Worm’ figure seems to be at the centre of it all, and there’s a lot of non-descript chatter about gravity being really desirable. Call me old fashioned, but for now I think I’ll stick with the ritualistic blood sacrifices of Scientology’s Old Testament 2.0.”

East has also indicated the ‘WWWB’ moniker will be the title for a new album that will feature over 170 hours of ‘reflective silence.’

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Young Space-Nation Agonizes Over Wording of First Contact Greeting

The leadership caste of the oligarchic Rihi’Nar Coalition has been “crippled with indecision” over the wording of a first contact greeting, insider reports indicate.

The humanoid Rihi’Nar are one of the youngest species in the galaxy equipped to utilize FTL travel, having only discovered hyperlane technology 6 months ago.

While exploring locality space, they made contact with an alien intelligence for the first time in the form of the Vitrios Stardom, an established empire of spiritualist plantoids.

Reaction to the encounter among the Rihi’Nar population has been mixed, and this appears to have been reflected in its government’s indecision over how to word its first ever diplomatic greeting.

Image: The Rihi’Nar Coalition has devoted hundreds of hours of deliberation over which greeting to send to their newly discovered neighbours, the Vitrios Stardom.

‘‘Our society and linguistics experts have spent the last 28 days decoding the Vitrios language and have come up with a list of appropriate greeting options reflecting our species ethos…” Rihi’Nar leader Kashnak told Xenonion. “But they’re quite different. Do we promote our xenophilia by talking about cooperation? Or do we assert our militarism with a more curt statement? … This is too difficult! Why can’t we just say ‘Greetings!’ or something generic like that!?”

As the Rihi’Nar government has devoted increasing attention to formulating a diplomatic response, its other administrative responsibilities such as healthcare, education and food production have been suspended.

Kashnak went on; “This first contact thing must be really important, right? Surely it has a lasting impact on our future relationship with the Vitrios? Why else would my scientists tell me we received 15 sequential priority messages about having successfully translated their language?”

Image: Rihi’Nar linguists received multiple priority alerts regarding having successfully opened communications with the Vitrios Stardom.

Diplomats from Vitrios space have been bemused by the Rihi’Nar’s indecisiveness. Rohzebudd, a spokesplant for the Stardom told Xenonion: “They do realise it’s just a formality, right? They can call us ‘side salad’ like all the other meat fleshbags do and we’ll still trade sensors with them.”

The Rihi’Nar are at present unaware of the Vitriosi comments, and are reportedly excitedly looking into how to establish embassies.

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Blorg Commonality Declares Bankruptcy After Undocking Fleet From Spaceport

The Blorg Commonality has filed for bankruptcy after undocking its 66-ship strong 1st Friend Fleet from its home spaceport.

The fungoid space-nation is one of the cluster’s largest economies, but has struggled to maintain positive energy credit flow after running out of influence to renew a capacity overload edict last month.

The 1st Friend Fleet was undocked to assist combating rogue mining drones in outer Blorg systems, but the move immediately incurred the treasury 31,465 energy per day for ship maintenance, more than 2000% of the Commonality’s daily GDP output.

The news casts a shadow over the long term viability of the Blorg Commonality, which is home to a population of roughly 1.3 trillion over-familiar pops.

Speaking earlier today, Blorg finance minister Crystal Smith told a press conference: “I would like to reassure our populace that we have this situation under control. We are currently looking into approving an emergency budget, which would include suspending non-essential services such as the military, basic utilities, food distribution, healthcare and education.”

ANALYSIS

Ashley Easterbrook

The Commonality's energy crisis is bad not just for the local cluster, but also for the galaxy as a whole, as investors get jittery. And as civil unrest continues to grow, questions are rightfully being asked as to how this financial disaster could have happened.

While there are no clear answers, one thing is striking - this isn't just an energy crisis. It's an influence deficit crisis.

The Commonality was extremely reliant on producing extra energy from power plants via the Capacity Overload edict. This is a common form of economic policy pursued by most mid-level space-nations. Unfortunately the edit appears to have expired and the government couldn't afford to replace it.

So, where has all the influence been going? Only time will tell....

The Riggan Commerce Exchange, a trading enclave that forms part of the Galactic Banking Cartel, has stepped in to offer help. Public relations executive Mun'upoli told Xenonion: “As a giant, faceless banking conglomerate we have a duty to protect our brand image - which is why we have decided a random act of charity might be helpful. We are willing to cover the Blorg Commonality's energy deficit for a discounted price of only 20,000 minerals per month for the next 400 months.”

Image: The Blorg Commonality has started a GoFundMe page to #KeepTheFleetOutOfDock

As civil unrest grows across Blorg systems, the Commonality government has set up a Galactic GoFundMe page to assist with balancing its energy budget.

Stock markets have responded extremely negatively to the news, with the composite Space Exchange Index (SExI) shedding almost 3% of its value before close of trading today.

Fanatic Xenophobes Have Soft Spot for Charismatic Species

A recent survey of the highly xenophobic Scythaan arthropods found that despite their universal hatred of other species, they are remarkably tolerant towards an unassuming race of Avians, known as the Ciran, because of their natural charisma. 

Since the Scythaans typically purge or enslave outsiders on sight, an undercover Xenonion News interview team cunningly disguised themselves as Scythaans to conduct the study safely.

In one notable encounter, the following was able to be translated from Scythaan clicking noises: “On a scale of 0 to -1000, I’d put the Ciran around a -975. Like, I still hate them, obviously. But something about them is just... less despicable, you know what I mean? Whoa, are you ok? Your antenna looks a little... droopy.”

When asked to choose among several species to enslave, all Scythaan pops interviewed responded that owning a Ciran slave would make them up to 5% happier. In addition, most respondents ranked the Ciran as last for the question, 'What order would you purge these species in?'

Most Ciran individuals live in the eponymous Ciran Kingdom, a small vassal of the neighboring Luuhma Combine on the other side of the galaxy. While the kingdom has generally positive relationships with its neighbors, it has virtually zero contact with the Scythaans, so the results of the survey came as a surprise to many Ciran pops.

Tyudelek, a citizen of the Ciran Kingdom, told Xenonion: “Who are these creeps and how do they know about us? We don’t even know them, they’re one of our contacts’ contacts... I knew I shouldn't have left my FaceBlorg profile on public."

Image: Tyudelek is 'strongly considering' deleting his FaceBlorg page for up to one week, possibly even two.

In unrelated news, a Xenonion News investigative team was found dead in the Scythaan Systems after masquerading as Scythaan pops. A Xenonion News internal investigation has concluded that "such tragedy could never have been predicted."

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Ringworld Construction Halted Due to Structural Concerns

Construction on the Pcuss Star Congress' new ringworld has ceased due to structural concerns.

The eight circular segments of the ringworld did not align properly in orbit of the Bower Star and have left the superstructure highly unstable. In the most extreme example of this, adjacent ringworld sections labelled as 'C' and 'D' are separated by a gap of nearly 390,000km.

Image: Ringworld sections C and D are separated by a gap of nearly 390,000km.

The failure of the project has been a major blow to the Pcuss Star Congress' reputation, as it had appropriated tens of thousands of minerals and 25 years of hard work towards the endeavour.

Pcussian chief engineer I'keea told Xenonion: "This is embarrassing. We spent quite a lot of unity points on getting a Master Builder's qualification from that Ascension program. For this to happen... well, maybe we should just lose the 'Master' bit of the title."

The ringworld has four habitable sections - A, C, E and G, which will remain colonizable for an estimated 40 years before the structure is torn apart by mechanical stress and collapses into Bower. In spite of this - the Pcuss are preparing to move their capitol to Section A in pursuit of the rare achievement of having a ringworld as a home planet.

The Bower ringworld is not the Pcuss' first attempt at mega-engineering, nor is it their first failure.

In 2094 they constructed their first space habitat in a highly excentric orbit around a gas giant, with its periapsis within the planet's atmosphere. Like the ringworld the habitat will most likely de-orbit in a few decades. 

Image: The Pcuss habitat is heated and shaken each time it passes by close to the planet.

In 2131 they sponsored a Deus Volt Dyson Sphere project in the Misstagg System. As Pcuss engineers were about to mount the last solar panels they realised that large portions of the sphere were submerged in the star it was supposed to encapsulate. It is still unclear how this happened.

Galactic construction shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have remained buoyant on the news.

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Federation Member Kicked After Declining 363 War Declaration Requests

The Themlar Union government today confirmed it has been formally ejected from the Just Alliance federation.

The announcement follows several months of escalating diplomatic tensions and disputes within the formerly 6-member federation over foreign policy.

The vote to remove the Thelmar Union was initiated this morning by the militaristic Bwauki Multisystem, the current rotating federation leader. Member states voted in favour of the motion 5-0, with the Thelmar Union abstaining as it accidentally missed the notification that the vote had been started.

In a press statement issued this morning, Bwauki diplomats cited the vote was put in place due to “irreparable differences” between the Thelmar Union and other federation members regarding war declaration votes.

This appears to be directly related to the Thelmar Union blocking the Bwauki Multisystem's longstanding attempts to press claims on its larger and more powerful non-federated neighbour, the Cevanti Empire.

Themar Union Prime Minister Smudge told Xenonion: “Our reasons for rejecting the Bwauki war proposals were simple - we'd have to do all the work.”

Image: Thelmar Union prime minister Smudge, who should never be rubbed on his belly.

Political observers agree Bwauki space command would be unlikely to overcome a Cevanti incursion given its small fleet cap and the fact they have retrofitted the previously highly adaptable federation fleet to only have flak cannons, for no apparent reason.

The original vote for a war declaration was initiated several months ago, and required all member states of the federation to consent in order for it to pass. Tensions escalated when after the vote failed initially, the Bwauki Multisystems proceeded to repeat the vote 362 more times over the space of 3 months.

Smudge continued; "Can you imagine trying to process 363 war declaration requests since the Galactic Community outlawed embassies?"

Each time the Thelmar Union rejected the war proposal, it suffered a massive opinion malus with the Bwauki, to the point where the relationship could no longer be repaired.

Bwauki president Scree declined to speak to Xenonion News, but in a public press conference he told reporters his reasoning behind removing the Thelmar Union from the Just Alliance was; “Well... they rejected our proposals.”

Image: Bwauki president Scree, who seems acutely unaware of the fact he is not wearing any clothing.

The remaining federation members; the Lorax League (xenophilic), Glukkonian Guild (materialists), Uri Nation (egalitarian) and the Eredi Assembly (egalitarian) all backed the Bwauki Proposal.

Matriarch Lyssa of the Lorax League told Xenonion; “We are natural allies with the Thelmar Union so this whole process has been very difficult for us. Having said that, we just needed the notifications to stop. There were so. many. notifications. We've actually just formally closed our foreign affairs office to make it stop for a while."

Image: Lorax League matriarch Lyssa.

The Thelmar Union was the federation's largest and most powerful member, and opposition parties in remaining states have warned the Bwauki vote has left the Just Alliance severely weakened.

As the Bwauki government prepares to initiate its 364th war declaration vote, which is now expected to pass as long as the Lorax League remembers to open its foreign affairs office, critics have called upon the Galactic Community to overhaul federation mechanics and laws to prevent similar events from happening again.

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Galactic Cup: Could The XT-489 Eliminators Have An Unfair Advantage Over Humans?

The United Nations of Earth’s (UNE’s) last minute winning goal against the Xanid Suzerainty yesterday evening sparked bedlam in Ulm, and for many humans marks the moment that revived their space-nation’s hopes of winning the coveted Galactic Cup football title.

The only thing that now stops them from reaching the semi-finals are the XT-489 Eliminators.

It’s the first time the XT-489s have been in the competition, and while initially viewed as underdogs, they have quickly racked up a number of impressive wins.

Image: The XT-489 Football Team poses a formidable challenge for the UNE to overcome.

So what are they key factors the UNE team will need to consider against the XTs?

Could the XT-489s have an unfair advantage?

Little is known about the species that first created the robotic XTs. Their names, cities and bodies were burned away in the cataclysm wrought when the XTs attained self awareness, and their terrified markers attempted to deactivate them.

What is known is that the XT's design mean they excel at physical endurance, and in particular, football. Gestalt consciousness allows for the team to communicate instantaneously and act as one. Advanced processors allow for efficient ball tracking, while in-built gamma ray lasers make literal toast of any opposition. The XTs also come equipped with unique mechanical wings, that when fanned out allow them to take flight for short periods of time.

Organic football fans worry that such features may allow the XTs to gain an unfair advantage against conventional teams.

However, the Galactic Football Authority has reassured fans that the machines clearly meet the criteria for entry to the competition, if the criteria actually existed. It also points out that organic space nations are allowed to field genetically engineered, psionic or xenomorphic teams without question.

What effect will Cristianaldo’s absence have?

Ron Cristianaldo’s absence from the UNE line up has worried many human sports pundits.

The Earth-native striker has been forced to sit out the rest of the Cup season after being accidentally impaled during a tackle against a Scythaan arthropod in a match two weeks ago.

Cristianaldo made a total of 536 UNE Galactic League appearances and scored a record 3 goals in his career, making him one of the highest scoring human football players of all time.

Image: UNE striker Cristianaldo is inadvertently impaled during the recent match in Ryukyu against the Scythaan Arthropods.

Will the temperatures play a role?

The match is being hosted on Tau Volantis, a harsh desert world under control of the XT-489s.

UNE players are bracing themselves for temperatures of up to 45 degrees celsius, with intermittent ion storms set to add an extra challenge to the playing field.

The XT's in-dwelling coolant systems are likely to be advantageous here, however humans are hoping that blowback from the XT's jet propellants will keep them cool.

When can I watch it?

UNE vs. XT-489 Exterminators starts tonight on Xenonion Sport, at 1800 GST / 0395 Shroud.

What's the line up for the rest of the week?

The remaining Gamma Group matches this week are:

Tuesday: Commonwealth of Man v. Tyznn Empire, Unity
Wednesday: Chinorr Stellar Union v. Jehetma Dominion, Jehet Prime
Thursday: Maweer Caretakers vs. Tebrid Homolog, The Garden

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Space Amoeba ‘Bubbles’ Missing, Spacenation Heartbroken

The Iferyxi government have confirmed that Bubbles, the trade league’s beloved adopted Space Amoeba, has disappeared.

The alarm was raised yesterday after the juvenile female Amoeba failed to return home to Iferysia Prime after a several month stint hunting Tiyanki in unclaimed space.

The Amoeba was formally adopted by the Iferyxi one year ago after accidentally imprinting on its 3rd Fleet, which had just completed its mission of destroying her mother to make way for construction of an orbital mining station.

Image: Bubbles, the missing Space Amoeba.

As the young Amoeba spent more time with the 3rd Fleet, she began to mirror its behaviour and became a formidable presence on the battlefield. Following a series of successful raids on Iferyxi space pirates, she was christened with her current name and became something of an unofficial mascot to the Iferyxi.

Space Amoeba, alongside Tiyanki and Crystalline Entities, are classed as endangered species. Several empires hunt Space Amoeba to use their flagella in ship design.

Iferyxi Third Fleet admiral Zoltan One-Eye, who nurtured Bubbles, fears a similar fate may have befallen her, as he told Xenonion News: “I just haven’t been able to sleep these past few days. She (it?) could be stuck out there in some shady system and get hurt. I worry some xenophobe or Leviathan will come across her (it?).”

While there is no concrete evidence regarding Bubble’s current whereabouts, the Iferyxi government have confirmed her last known location was the Vogen System, near to Gorgonaut space.

“We would like to reassure our Iferyxi neighbours that we saw Bubbles quite recently.” Gorgon captain Omnomnom told Xenonion. “She was playing with another bunch of Space Amoeba in a brown dwarf system. She’s… in a better place now. Much happier. And never wants to return home, ever again. By the way, would you like to do a segment on how our ships have much better evasion? We installed these fancy new flagella, they look great.”

The Iferyxi government has called on anyone with information to Shroud Fax it to their emergency ‘Bubbles Sighted’ line, details of which can be found if you close your eyes really tight and think hard about it. 

With assistance from Writing Bot Unit 8112.

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Stage Stormed During Ether Drake's Xenovision Performance

Organizers of the Xenovision Song Contest are investigating how a stage invader managed to storm the Ether Drake’s performance last night on Tyznnia.

Broadcaster TeleShroud said an inquiry was already under way into the incident, which saw the stage invader immediately devoured by the Ether Drake.

Image: The Ether Drake performing at Xenovision moments before he was interrupted by a stage invader.

Xenovision is the galaxy’s longest running annual music contest, currently in its 863rd year with over 20,000 species competing. Each participant submits an original song which is performed during the 3-7 month long contest, and viewers vote to determine the winning entry. The process was originally devised by the Galactic UN as a tool to foster interstellar peace, but that immediately came undone following the Blorg's first entry in the contest in 2150 with 'Riverdance.'

The Ether Drake’s performance of ‘Baby Drake’ was highly anticipated and billed as a ‘comeback’ from his recent year long stint at in rehab at St. Frontier Hospital for eating fans.

Unfortunately the graphic incident dented support from xenophiles, the program’s largest target audience, and the Ether Drake placed second last out of 21,135 entrants.

Indie band Spectral Wraith won the contest with their ethereal dance number ‘Pulsars.’ They had long been an early favourite, alongside The Great Khan’s angsty power ballad ‘Mid Game Crisis’ which finished in second place.

Image: The vote was extremely narrow between the top two entrants at this year's Xenovision.

Following the event, the Ether Drake tweeted;

TeleShroud have announced the stage invader’s remains will be detained for questioning, once they have been released by the Ether Drake’s several kilometre long digestive tract.

This year’s contest was its most watched, with an average of 39 billion viewers watching live, with 5.9 billion catching up later with TeleShroud’s Temporal Fold Rewind Time function.

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Empires Urged to Purge Considerately

The Galactic UN has called upon xenophobes to purge neighbouring species with more consideration for the natural environment.

The announcement follows the publication of a recent Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) census which has revealed the plantoid population of Forever Spring is steadily declining following the systematic purging of their synchronically evolved co-species by a neighbouring empire.

Image: Angiofro plantoid populations have been in steady decline following the poorly planned purging of the Baapidae, their arthropoid synchronically evolved co-species.

The Angiofro, the charismatic plantoid species in decline, evolved synchronically with the repugnant Baapidae arthropoids on their home world of Forever Spring.

During almost a millennia of co-existence they developed a symbiotic relationship, with the Angiofro requiring the Baapidae to rub against them to enhance pollination reproduction, and the Baapidae eating weaker Angiofro as a healthy alternative to TacoBell's XenoWraps.

Image: Angiofro Let'us probably would have something to say, if it wasn't a plant.

This close knit relationship was not revealed to the Bwauk Multisystem, a neighbouring species of mildly xenophobic Avians who had recently assumed overlord status of Forever Spring. The Bwaukis worship beauty and symmetry, and dutifully continued their longstanding tradition of purging aesthetically unpleasing species.

Unfortunately the selective purging of the Baapidae has meant the Angiofro have lost reproductive functioning, and are being pushed towards extinction.

Bwauki spokesbird C'heep told Xenonion: "It's a shame really because the Angiofro are very symmetrical, although it would be better if they were shinier and we could construct our nests from them. But yes. Who would have thought the extinction of a species could have such a wide ranging effect on an ecosystem like this?"

Image: Bwauki spokesperson C'heep refused to don clothes for his interview with Xenonion News.

Bwauki officials have strenuously denied claims they knew the impact the Baapidae purge would have on the Angiofro, but conceded not having plantoids taking up spots in leader pools would be "helpful."

The Galactic UN has recognised the legality of the Bwauki purge, but again urged empires to only purge with appropriate planning and foresight.

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Auto-Surveying Science Ship Crashes Into Dimensional Horror

Scientists are calling for an investigation into the safety of controversial new automatic exploration protocols after a science ship accidentally clipped a Dimensional Horror yesterday.

The USS Navigator had been traversing through the Hell’s Maw black hole system when it ran an evasion light warning and clipped the limb of the system’s resident Dimensional Horror.

Emergency services attended the scene and confirmed the eldritch being had only sustained minor damage. The remains of the 48 human crew members aboard the Navigator have yet to be identified.

Image: A sublight traffic camera in Hell's Maw captures the USS Navigator moments before disaster.

The Navigator’s logs show that its chief scientist, Dr James Kerk, had not realized the ship was set to ‘passive stance’ and was caught off guard when the automated navigation system routed towards the Dimensional Horror as the most efficient route to the nearest hyperlane.

The Scientist & Technician First Union (STFU), of which Kerk was a member, has long since been opposed to the use of automated surveying technology.

“This would never have been a problem if the ship was manually piloted,” STFU spokesperson Mikhail Kontarsky told Xenonion. “Humans have never made piloting errors before. This technology took our jobs, and now it’s taking our lives.”

CybrexCorp, developer of the automated navigation system, states it is investigating the issue. CEO Nax Golarisg told a press conference: “The automated navigation sensors are not designed to work in dark environments like space. Until they are, we advise all ships to steer clear of Hell’s Maw and check their stance setting.”

At the time of press it is unclear as to whether the Dimensional Horror will seek damages.

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Area Pop States Caged, Non-Communicative Primitive Fungoid Makes "Perfect" Husband

When Ulm native Yelena Ivanov split up with her partner of ten years, the 32 year old thought she would never find love again.

But she found love quicker than she ever expected, albeit in a more unconventional manner. Yelena is now happily married - to a primitive fungoid.

The former scientist states she's "never been happier" and is "fully devoted" to her genderless fungoid spouse, IIg.

Image: Yelena and her new caged beau, IIg.

"My previous marriage was tough,” Yelena told reporters. “My husband and I would come home from work and argue over something petty, like why planets can only have a maximum of 25 tiles. IIg is so different. He doesn't communicate, at least in any form that I can understand, so we don't argue. That's just one example why this relationship is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't care what other people say." 

Yelena met IIg a month ago while working aboard a United Nations of Earth (UNE) sponsored observation post above his homeworld of Vurl.

"It's actually quite a funny story,” Yelena continued. “I was tasked with aggressively observing this little stone age civilization of fungoids on Vurl - IIg was one of the first pops we covertly abducted for living autopsy. But just one look at his mycelium exterior and something stirred deep within me.”

Pointing at the cage she had installed in the couple’s home, she stated: “He - I mean, I think he's a he… was thrashing as I approached him and when I unshackled him he wrapped his flagella so tightly around my neck I almost passed out. It was very sensual. From that I knew the feelings were reciprocated and that we were in love."

Since returning to Earth, Yelena added that IIg had been a comfort to her following the loss of her job and ongoing arrest warrant issued by the UNE.

"My job was very important to me, but I knew IIg was my soulmate” she continued. “When I tried to convince my colleagues of this they wanted me to get a medbay evaluation. So I did what any reasonable person would do - I freed IIg and we absconded from the station using an emergency shuttle. When I got back to Earth border patrol told me I was under arrest and that I'd lost my job, but IIg did a great job in... incapacitating... them. We've been on the run ever since."

Image: Yelena described her previous husband as “opinionated” and “verbally communicative.”

Yelena stated that while IIg has settled a life off his homeworld, at first he had some trouble adjusting to Earth. "The first few days back were disorientating for him. He kept trying to run away from me for some reason. Well, not really run since he doesn't have legs, but kind of gyrate away from me, using this trail of slime as lubricant. He's settled down since I put a shock collar around him. It helps to remind him of his time on the observation post. He's been a huge support to me, really. Any time I approach him his tight flagella grips have kept me sane and helped me to manage my sadness and anxiety."

Last week Yelena decided to make the couple's love official and petitioned the Space Vatican to officiate their marriage. After her request was approved by Space Pope Belinda Carlisle XI, Yelena and IIg tied the knot in their safe house in Ulm two days ago.

The couple are now planning to relocate to the Asuri Republics to start a new life, as Yelena concluded; "Humans are not very understanding of our love. Xenophobes think it's disgusting. The only thing my family wants to know is about if we're intimate - which of course I'm not going to talk about, although as an aside I will say men definitely need to invest in multiple flagellum if you know what I mean... Anyway the Asuri are more xenophilic so they'll be more understanding of our love. Also, UNE arrest warrants don't have jurisdiction there, so that will be helpful."

Find out more about Yelena and IIg's amazing love story tomorrow morning on Xenonion's Good Morning Space.

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