Scientists Struggle To Identify Mysterious, Yet Stylish, Flat-Pack Anomaly

Scientists from Kersonia have confirmed they are struggling to identify a mysterious, aesthetically pleasing flat-pack anomaly that was found floating in deep space three months ago.

Preliminary analysis has confirmed the 82cm x 205cm x 82cm velvety grey mass, which appears capable of sitting three comfortably, is inorganic. Additionally, environmental stress tests have highlighted that its fabric exo-shell (73% polyester, 27% cotton) have particularly poor resistance to accidental wine spills and chocolate smearing.

Thelmar scientist Torig, who is leading the investigation on the anomaly, told Xenonion: “This structure is so strange. It seems perfect for stretching out and enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon, or cozying up with the family on a movie night. But why is it in space? How did it come to be there?”

Image: Scientist Torig and his team analyze the anomaly on Kersonia’s main laboratory.

Researchers were also shocked to find that the object appears to be made from cheap, easily sourced raw materials, which when combined can be assembled with minimal effort. Torig stated of this: “We are talking about a design here that is inherently complex, yet effortlessly chic, simple and affordable. The wider applications of this could change the face of the galaxy, if not at least my living quarters.”

At present Thelmar scientists are attempting to reverse-engineer the structure from an associated alien ‘blueprint’ that was found with it. Torig added: “We’ve named the object ‘KLIPPAN’ as this word comes up repeatedly in the ancient scrolls. We’ve spent weeks translating the texts, but the language is impenetrable. All we have so far is something about returning the structure to the point of origin within 100 days if there a problem with it.”

Torig remains pessimistic that the origins of the structure will ever be uncovered, stating: “We’ve all heard the stories about the ancient manufactories in the Gamma Nebula that became sapient and overthrew their masters by spitting out stylishly affordable products at an apocalyptic rate… but until we can see some concrete evidence of this, it merely remains a myth to be passed down the generations.”

---

Subconscious Consensus Unable to Reach Consensus on Definition of Consensus

The T'Valdra Allied Stars Congress has announced it is delaying a planned overhaul of the planet’s voting system from direct democracy to subconscious consensus.

The reform, originally introduced 35 years ago, has been plagued with problems despite an overwhelming majority of the T’Valdra population backing the plan in 298 consecutive referenda.

Image: T’Valdranite official-elect Ik’thon’ban, Chair of the 111th Congressional Committee on Implementing the Subconscious Consensus.

Chairing the 111th congressional committee on the subconscious consensus, T'Valdranite official Ik'thon'ban stated: "The consensus of the consensus committee is that we do not have a consensus on the definition of consensus, and as such we do not have a consensus to proceed with the implementation of the subconscious consensus."

A further referendum on whether to delay the subconscious consensus reform is scheduled for tomorrow, dependent upon whether Ik’thon’ban can remain chair of the congressional committee, a position to which he is elected to on a daily basis.

---

Area Colony Faces Food Shortage for No Apparent Reason

The newly established human colony of Avalon in the Alpha Centauri system has appealed directly to Earth's government in Ulm for help as it struggles to cope with an acute shortage of food.

Concerns regarding food shortages were first raised one month ago following a boom in Avalon's population from 1 to 2. It has since been exacerbated following sector governor Emilio Hermes' recent decision to demolish all existing hydroponic farms on the planet and replace them with mineral silos.

Image: The human settlement of Avalon.

The two other planets in the Alpha Centauri system, New Coventry and Terra Nova, both have +10 food surpluses each and questions have been raised by Avalon colonists as to why the food cannot simply be transferred to them.

While touring aboard the UNE corvette flagship Ariana Grande, governor Hermes issued the following statement: "Yes, I am aware Avalon currently has a -1 food deficit, while neighboring planets are drowning in excesses of food. The simple fact is while we have discovered space travel, we are still in the dark ages when it comes to transporting anything other than people, let alone foodstuffs. Now if you don't mind, I'm really keen to see the hull of the Ariana Grande."

Avalon colonists report they will continue to lobby Earth to invest in food transport technologies.

---

Area Planet Accidentally Insults Fallen Empire

Galactic diplomats are scrambling this Thursday to try and minimize metaphorical and physical fall-out after an area planet accidentally insulted the millennia old Vroth Combine, a notoriously aggressive stagnant ascendancy.

The insult was issued from High Nest, the only planet of the newly formed Caawian Cooperative, an Avian bureaucracy that surreptitiously discovered FTL-travel 2 months ago.

In an official press release this morning, Caawian Cooperative Leader Supreme Coo explained: “This is all really awkward. We’re new to the galactic neighbourhood and just trying to flex our wings. Unfortunately it took us some time to register the Vroth weren’t a pre-sentient reptilian species as were initially led to believe.”

View fullsize

Image: Supreme Coo addresses issues a press release from High Nest.

The press conference was cut short after Coo became distracted by a shiny object and began furiously pecking at it.

The Vroth have not yet responded diplomatically, but unconfirmed reports have begun filtering through the neural net that several of their 200k battleship fleets have begun to amass outside Caawian borders.

Our news team reached out to High Nest for a further statement on the above, but unfortunately all comm links in the area have been severed. Prior to this, Supreme Coo had stated he was “confident” the Cooperative’s three corvettes would keep their homeworld safe.

---