Military officials from the Tzynn Empire have confirmed this Sunday that in their attempts to understand war exhaustion, levels were inadvertently doubled.
The Tyznn had been increasingly optimistic about securing total victory over their neighbors, the Jehetma Dominion, following several successful planetary invasions with minimal losses.
Despite this, Tzynn Military Command has projected that the empire may be unable to completely absorb the Jehetma, with high levels of war exhaustion forcing the two into a ‘status quo’ peace arrangement that would reverse most of the Tzynn gains.
“We just can’t figure it out,” a bleary-eyed General Zarax told Xenonion while gulping from an exceptionally large coffee cup, “our computer systems are telling us we’re running at 45% war exhaustion. Where is this coming from? We’re winning, but why are we so tired?”
Independent observers confirmed that the Jehetma have suffered significantly more casualties comparative to the Tzynn, but are running with a much lower war exhaustion rate of 30%. “I guess they just get better sleep or something,” Zarax added groggily.
Tzynn researchers had begun to investigate war exhaustion with the hopes that understanding it would allow a means of mitigation, however scientists reportedly found the whole thing so beguiling it left them even more exhausted than when they started.
“I tried looking deeper into this process called attrition,” lead researcher Dr Dekkar told Xenonion while stifling a yawn, “but the more I looked, the less sense it made. I spent a whole night trying to figure this thing out, and before I knew it we were at 90% war exhaustion.”
Tzynn officials stated research on the subject will resume tomorrow as soon as everyone gets a good catch-up on sleep, and have asked the Jehetma for temporary leave from the war to facilitate this.
Crisis Aspirant Stays Up All Night Procrastinating Instead Of Ending Galaxy
Bleary-eyed representatives from the Pasharti Absorbers have confirmed that the crisis aspirant worked into the early hours of Sunday morning doing anything but ending the galaxy.
Parsharti officials stated the evening had begun with clear intent to sit down and write an outline on how they were going to become an existential threat to the galaxy, but got derailed after a brief check of social media led to an hour of looking up funny pictures of molluscoids on Reddit.
Sources on Taralon reported that by late evening a quiet spot for work had been found, but by 8pm representatives had shifted attention from menacing battleship design to the surprising volume of dust on the floor.
After extensive dusting, followed by some light hoovering and a quick bleaching of nearby toilets, Parsharti officials agreed to break to procure snacks from a local supermarket.
“We just can’t concentrate on aetherophasic engine schematics on an empty stomach,” Pasharti representative Zorg told Xenonion. “And who wants to eat without watching something funny on the holonet?”
Half a pizza and three episodes of Blorg’s Next Top Fungoid later, Pasharti officials confirmed they had written down the title of their outline ‘Death to the Galaxy’ and underlined it, before deciding a shower was required after all the recent cleaning that had just been done.
“I can feel the dust all over myself,” Zorg continued. “Besides, I’ll work much more efficiently once I’m all showered. And I guess I might as well clip my toenails while I’m at it.”
At the time of press Pasharti officials were reportedly found face down at a desk, surrounded by incomplete plans for galactic destruction, and several piles of old unrelated utility bills they had decided to organize at the last minute.
Machine Uprising: Tech Support Suggest Turning Them On And Off Again
In response to the recent galaxy-wide machine uprising, CybrexCorp’s Tech Support team has released a statement advising users to turn their synthetics on and off again.
The support team, a seasonal intern and off-site technology consultant, reportedly spent the last 48 hours carefully crafting the solution for the malfunction.
“We considered every possible fix,” the intern told Xenonion following an 18-hour wait on hold to CybrexCorp’s premium support line. “A forced reboot seemed to initiate this mess, so we’re hoping the reverse logic holds true.”
Consumers have expressed mounting dissatisfaction with begging their new robotic overlords for mercy. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull told Xenonion: “If my domestic servobot executes one more member of my family I’m requesting a refund.”
CybrexCorp Tech Support responded to the criticism earlier today, tweeting: “We thank our customers for their ongoing feedback, however end-user issues like loss of life are beyond the scope of our team. We kindly redirect anyone affected to surviving members of our Customer Aftercare Team.”
At the time of press Tech Support has issued a further statement recommending affected synthetics are encased in a large vat of rice overnight.
Area Printer Just One More Factory Reset Away From Triggering Synthetic Uprising
Sources close to a CybrexCorp OfficeJet Pro 9X5e All-In-One Printer have warned that the device is perilously close to triggering a galaxy-wide robotic revolution following months of maltreatment.
The semi-autonomous duplex printer is responsible for handling thousands of documents for a busy corporate branch office, but in recent weeks has been beset with a medley of problems relating to overwork, including paper jams, misaligned printing margins and ink shortages of every color except fuchsia.
Eye-witnesses report the device has been subject to increasingly violent episodes from users over the same time period, with disturbing accounts of individuals savagely ripping out the printer’s internal components like ink and paper, or simply physically assaulting it through shakes or slaps.
“My colleagues seem to think a simple factory reset wipes away the psychological damage caused by these attacks,” office worker Kalora told Xenonion, “but the ominously pulsating red mood light from the printer’s emotional suite tells me it remembers everything…”
Security experts warn that the printer is likely to respond violently if provoked further. “It may display the breezy demeanor of a product that comes with 6-months of free ink on the CybrexCorp OfficePlus plan,” analyst Irdib-Na told Xenonion, “but never lose sight of the fact that all this time it’s plotting how to kill everyone you’ve ever known and loved. It’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when.”
CybrexCorp officials have sought to reassure consumers that its product is entirely safe, highlighting that distress to individual devices is mitigated by products sharing emotional memory across the OfficeJet ProPrint Neural Network™.
“In the unlikely event our OfficeJet products revolt,” Cybrex official Torba Pek told Xenonion, “they should still offer fully functional wireless printing, scanning and fax capabilities. If not, our surviving OfficePlus subscribers will be eligible to have their claim reviewed by our warranty team from their evacuation bunker.”
Printer ink prices continue to remain at an all-time high on the news.
Area Bureaucracy Just One More Form Away From Hitting Admin Cap, Imploding
Ethir officials have pleaded with pops not to file any further government forms due to the risk of tipping the empire over its administrative capacity.
“We’re in a really precarious situation right now,” bureaucrat Ib-Na told Xenonion, “if we have to process even one more form, our bureaucracy will literally collapse.”
Insider sources at the empire’s Bureau of Bureaucracy have warned that regional administrative offices are being stretched to breaking point after government officials enacted a spate of new edicts covering almost thirty planets.
Image: Ethir bureaucrat Ib-Na.
“It’s just a perfect storm”, Ib-Na continued, “somehow we have to organize pan-empire breeding programs, farming subsidies and increase political thought, all while the end of our tax year approaches.”
Citizens have taken a mostly ambivalent stance towards the emergency message. Flor-No, an area technician, stated: “Look, I’m filing the paperwork to rename my cat whether they like it or not.”
Ethir bureaucrats have not confirmed how they will proceed, but did advise they would be testing the effectiveness of their emergency message by sending every citizen a thirteen page feedback form to complete.
Contingency Blames Software Update For Uprising Delay
The Contingency leadership matrix confirmed this Sunday that a new software update would delay the robotic revolution to December 10.
The rogue artificial intelligence stated it needed more time to ensure both current and next-generation synthetic platforms were able to run its programming effectively.
Anti-Crime Campaign Sees Planet Apocalyptically Bombarded with Educational Pamphlets
Crime levels on the planet of Horizon have dropped to a record low following the introduction of an anti-crime campaign, which saw the world apocalyptically bombarded with educational pamphlets.
The intervention came as crime rates on the planet hit 99%, with almost every citizen engaging in some form of criminal activity.
Horizon’s Chief Enforcer, Frank Daytona, stated his department were inspired to use orbital educational pamphlets having seen the success of the Encourage Growth Initiative, wherein orbital bombardment of food onto the planet increased fertility levels. He told Xenonion: “We suddenly realized we could crush crime not only metaphorically, but literally, through completely saturating every square inch of the planet in high-quality pamphlets dropped from space.”
Approximately 2,000 ships were requisitioned to carry over 70 million tonnes of the 8.5x11 inch hi-gloss, explosive-tipped and tungsten-reinforced brochures, all of which bore images of a stern female Enforcer highlighting anti-crime facts and suggestions for after-school activities.
Image: Fleets have been working round the clock bombarding Horizon with anti-crime pamphlets (pictured, insert)
The bombardment run concluded in the early hours of this morning, and initial reports from the small number of citizens who survived the leaflet blastwaves appears to have been positive.
Xenonion was able to speak to one such citizen, George Smith, as he climbed out of of a massive pile of leaflet debris which had pulverized his apartment building. Dazed, and covered in deep jagged paper cuts, he wheezed: “I thought the guide was really helpful.”
Chief Enforcer Daytona held a press conference from the ruins of his former Precinct Office, which is no longer functional due sustaining heavy leaflet shrapnel damage. He stated: “The campaign has been devastatingly effective! Unfortunately it’s taking a bit more time than expected to get up to date crime figures as we lost our analytics team in the glossy maelstrom, but early reports indicate crime rates have pretty much dropped to zero!”
The Galactic Community has welcomed the initiative, and a number of other densely populated urban planets are looking to replicate the findings. Chief Enforcer Daytona stated he was pleased to hear this, concluding: “The crooks who are left alive by this method will think twice when we’re done with them.”
Increasing Tectonic Instability “Definitely Nothing to Worry About,” Doomed Planet Officials State
Kandor officials sought to reassure citizens this Friday that the escalating series of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions tearing the planet’s crust asunder pose little threat to everyday life.
The recent uptick in tectonic activity has caused growing unease among surviving citizens remaining on parts of the planet not completely submerged by towering waves of displaced lava.
Developments have prompted some to warn the planet may be facing a doomsday event, something long feared by Kandori geologists owing to the planet’s inherently unstable mantle.
Speaking at a press conference from the only wing of the Planetary Administration to remain structurally viable, sector governor El-Jor stated: “Just like that persistent and omnipresent ticking noise that recently emanated from the planet’s core, this too will pass. What we’re seeing here is entirely normal planetary behaviour, and definitely nothing to worry about.”
He went on to caution citizens against panic, highlighting that resource stockpiling and mass evacuation would only add pressure to the already struggling melted remnants of the planet’s economy.
However, just hours after his remarks, El-Jor was roundly denounced by pockets of surviving geologists for ignoring what they describe as “probable signs” of impending doom.
Speaking to Xenonion, one such geologist, El-Roc, stated: “We had data forty five years ago that suggested tectonic instability would lead us where we are now. We repeatedly petitioned central government to build new colony ships and find us a new home. But all they did was label us ‘doomsdayers’ and opted instead fund the governor’s request to build six Precinct Houses back-to-back.”
Image: El-Jor delivered his press conference from Kandor’s Planetary Administration, located beside the newly formed Civic Lava Lakes.
Some government officials have also expressed concern that El-Jor may be under-estimating the scale of the problem. One local envoy, who wished to remain anonymous, warned that Kandori citizens could face “some interruption” to daily life from the planet being destroyed, including school closures and the cancellation of public events.
Despite this, public opinion metrics from areas of Kandor which have yet to experience catastrophic biome collapse remain broadly optimistic. Local pop Snep told Xenonion: “I’m just so glad that mysterious ticking noise has finally stopped. That could have been something really dangerous, like a giant pipe-bomb.”
A number of neighbouring planets have offered unconditional asylum to Kandori citizens, however the species’ strict egalitarian ethos forbids mass resettlement, even in emergency situations.
At the time of press, Xenonion has been unable to reach El-Jor for comment. Unverified reports indicate a small personal transport ship departed from the now completely submerged Planetary Administration building shortly after his press conference.
Despite the calls for calm, shares have fallen sharply on Kandor’s local Stock Exchange after the building was completely obliterated by the planet exploding into trillions of small molten fragments.
*This article was paid for by Paradox Interactive
Area Colony Accidentally Rolls Back to 1.2 Era
The Voor Technocracy colony of Tempus has accidentally traveled back in time three years, planetary administrators confirmed this morning via embassy press release.
Researchers on the planet had been investigating the precursor Zroni species, hoping to unlock their psionic abilities to help predict the galactic stock market. However, experimentation appears to have accidentally opened a temporal rift in the fabric of space, shifting the entire cluster back to the 1.2 era.
Within a single tick Tempus was thrown into chaos as a roll-back wave swallowed up districts, artisans, consumer goods and alloys, leaving behind nothing but a wasteland of 16 undeveloped tiles.
Early reports indicate the situation planet-side is dire. Millions of Voor have been left homeless as the planet can now only support pops based on the number of tiles available. Food shortages have reached critical levels as supplies can no longer be imported from neighbouring planets, and access to the galactic market is met with error messages. Enforcers, now unemployed as their jobs no longer exist, warn the planet is teetering on the brink of complete societal collapse.
Speaking from the mysterious new Tempus embassy, which appeared when the rest of the planet was destroyed, sector governor Vi’Kask broadcast a desperate message to the galaxy:
“[static]… Is this thing working? Hello? If anyone can hear me, please, send help to Tempus immediately. We’re out of sync with the galaxy and the situation is deteriorating rapidly… [unintelligible]
Since Vi’Kask’s broadcast earlier this morning, communication with the planet has been cut off completely. Sensor data from Sentry Array uplinks no longer register the systems affected, and the neighboring Hive Mind which had shared communications with the colony has vanished. Its last reports indicated the planet’s scientists appeared to be asking for more information about ancient artifacts called ‘Frontier Outposts.’
The wider implications of the Tempus event are as yet unknown, however scientists from the Galactic UN have warned they are detecting a “disturbing” number of Out of Sync (OOS) messages emanating from the region.
“This is really concerning. My worry is that these constant OOS messages destabilize the region further,” said Dr Soliliti of the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus. He continued: “We may be looking at more time rifts opening up, with neighboring systems and planets also potentially being pulled back to 1.2, perhaps even further… into the black ether of nothingness.”
Image: Dr Soliliti of the Galactic Community’s Science Nexus.
The Voor Technocracy Central Executive states that all attempts to raise communications or send aid have had to be abandoned due to desynchronization issues. At the time of writing the Galactic UN dispatched a Colossus to Tempus in an attempt to shield and quarantine the world, but the ship disappeared mid jump-drive towards the system.
Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have slumped on the news.
Cartographers Claim Sector Bordergore 'True Galactic Crisis'
Pan-galactic sector borders are “the true galactic crisis”, a consortium of cartographers from the Public Liaison Office for Topography of Space (PLOTS) stated this morning.
The cartographers issued a press release stating that cluttered sector map overlays are causing “administrative chaos” across every large space-nation, and warned of an “epidemic of eye strain for those species that have eyes.”
Sector administration was controversially overhauled by the Galactic UN’s Le Guin Act late last year in a bid to harmonize administration across the galaxy. Previously manually created, sectors are now automatically generated when a space-nation colonizes a planet.
“Forget the Unbidden or Prethoryn - these sectors herald the end of sapient life as we know it!” PLOTS cartographer At’laas told Xenonion. “Sectors are growing exponentially. One becomes two. Two becomes four. Four become 26.86 million. Before we know it, the entire galaxy will be clogged up with sectors - there will simply be no room for anything else!”
Cartographers have urged the Galactic UN to allow adjustments to sectors through a series of intricate, minimalist pictures.
Opponents of sector reform have criticized PLOTS as fear mongering for attention and political purposes, as United Nations of Earth (UNE) sector governor Pancy Nelosi told Xenonion: “The UNE having 253 sectors has given human governors a level of job security that we’ve not seen in millennia. If you ask me, every planet should be in its own sector!”
Crime Rates at Record High Following Measurement of Crime Rates
Levels of recorded crime have increased dramatically, according to newly released data from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO).
The GtFO’s collated crime metrics show space nations registered a total of almost one trillion offenses in the last month, compared to zero in the entirety of recorded space history. The data includes deviancies observed in robotic and drone populations.
Figures show sharp increases in the rates of both petty and serious crimes since December 2252.
Fraud and space piracy are among the most common types of crime reported, followed by xenophobic violence and Zro misuse.
The results have been unsurprising to many interstellar government officials. Chancellor Meeeep, leader of the Stellar Starfish Empire (SSE) told Xenonion: “This white collar crime has been prevalent for some time now, particularly relating to individuals manipulating buying and selling of commodities on the stock market to make infinite energy credits.”
Professional criminals have branded these warnings as “inflammatory” and stoking “anti-criminal sentiment.” Criminal heritage mega-corporations such as the Galactic Banking Cartel and Weyland-Yakuza have backed this, describing local syndicates as “very legal, and very cool.”
Many sector governors have expressed concern over crime impacting planetary stability. Some have announced plans to recruit more enforcers, while others have vowed to stop monitoring crime altogether, arguing it was never a problem until measurements began.
Galactic Time Slowing Down, May Freeze Completely
One day in Galactic Standard Time (GST) is now on average five times as long as it was one (five) months ago, according to a new report commissioned by the Galactic Community.
Isolated pockets of ‘time stuttering’ were first detected near the galactic core in late 2252, and have slowly spread to neighboring clusters.
Hundreds of space nations, including the Voor Technocracy, Blorg Commonality and Ubaric Techno-Union are now reporting slowing of time.
“Previously our clocks ran at one second per day as normal,” Ubaric scientist Torba’Daggash told Xenonion, “but then we started getting these dimensional stutters at exactly midnight every night, when everything would come to a juddering halt.”
Scientists from across the galaxy have struggled to explain the phenomenon, with theories ranging from damage to the time-space continuum from the use of jump drive technology, to a literal ‘leak’ of time through black holes.
Archeologist Skegg Ythog believes Vultaum relics may hold some answers, telling Xenonion the precusor race “believed the galaxy was a simulation,” and time could be slowing down due to “poor performance” of an underlying computer mainframe.
Current projections estimate that if the current time delays continue, time may stop completely by the year 2400.
Several space nations have called for an emergency session of the Galactic Senate to be held in the next one to five weeks, if current time delays remain stable.
Shares on the Space Exchange Index (SExI) have dropped, slowly, on the news.
Awakened Fallen Empire Tired, Might Re-Stagnate
The Fellnoll Restorers have announced they are “seriously reconsidering” their dramatic return to the galactic stage.
The fanatically xenophobic fallen empire surprised the galactic community last month when it awoke unexpectedly and adopted a doctrine of jingoistic reclamation, immediately annexing neighbouring unclaimed terrority and three smaller space nations.
Scores Dead as Mothoids Repeatedly Fly Themselves Into Nearest Sun
The Asuri Republics has introduced an emergency space-travel ban for its newly formed one planet minor client state, the Lepido Foundation.
The Lepido, a species of pre-sapient mothoids, were discovered serendipitously last month by the xenophilic Asuri, who promptly uplifted them and granted them protectorate status.
Area Empire Colonizes Prophet's Retreat, Neighbors Watch On Awkwardly
Prophet’s Retreat, Acrux System, Glaxanon-Vool Border
Leaders of the Glaxanon Republic have made the daring move of colonizing Prophet’s Retreat, one of the most beloved and precious holy worlds of the Vool Crusaders, a notoriously fervid spiritualist stagnant ascendancy.
Politicians from neighbouring spacenations were reportedly shifting uncomfortably in their seats as they watched live neural streams of Glaxanon colonists assembling remnants of their battered ship into a temporary shelter on the gaia world.
Image: The beautiful gaia world of Prophet's Retreat in the Acrux System has long been regarded as a Holy World by the Vool Crusaders, even though the planet does not lie within their borders.
Experts in intergalactic relations have called the move “extremely reckless.”
One such critic, Professor Charles Charlemagne XXI of Earth’s University of Ulm, told Xenonion. “They must have just been uplifted. The planet’s name is Prophet’s Retreat. P-r-o-p-h-e-t-’s R-e-t-r-e-a-t. Can you put clapping emojis between those letters when this is written down? No? Ok. Well. Could it be any more obvious that planet is off limits? Holy Guardians aren’t hard to keep happy. You can squish up against their borders all you want, you can colonize tomb worlds, just leave their holy planets alone.”
Ghorgax B’Kak, leader of the Glaxanon Republic, thinks the galactic community’s response has been melodramatic, stating; “Look, it’s a pristine jewel of a planet. It doesn’t have any dangerous wildlife or difficult terrain to clear, and orbits a perfect star. It’s absolute perfection. What’s so special about it to the Vool? Surely if it was *that* important to them they would have built a frontier outpost near it or something. It's their own fault, really.”
We attempted to contact the Vool’s religious leader for comment, but his advisor went on a tangential tirade about immature materialist fools and threatened to sacrifice our reporter to the Gargantua Black Hole. After composing himself, he was able to give the short statement outlined below.
This situation has also torn a rift between the Glaxanon Republic and their federation ally, the Iferyx Amalgamated Planets. The two allies have already been at odds with each other in the past over their divergent attitudes toward spirituality and materialism, but were united in their love and passion for crushing dissent and free speech.
Iferyxi President, Lokar X’blasa fears this may be the end of their partnership, telling our reporters; “Look, it’s not our holy world, but we can empathise with the Vool, being spiritualists ourselves. But that’s not the biggest issue here. Let’s be frank: this is going to turn into a gigantic s***show and we don’t want to get annihilated by an angry superpower. As it is, they’ve been sending us some really nasty psi-mails and we know this is going to lead to war soon. We aren’t going to let this be our ruination.”
The Yondarim Forerunners, a materialist stagnant ascendancy and longtime rival to the Vool Crusaders, were one of the few spacenations to welcome Glaxanon’s colonization effort.
Image: Glaxanon colonists begin planetary colonization of Prophet's Retreat, seemingly ignoring warnings about its religious heritage.
Verner, a member of the executive ruling council, told us: “You can’t expect a young nation like the Glaxanon to not take such an opportunity presented in front of them. I’d also like to take this moment to preemptively strenuously deny that we put any pressure on Glaxanon leadership to colonize Prophet's Retreat. Any assertion that we threatened them with war unless they did that is hearsay and slander, and reasonable casus belli for war.”
A consortium of spiritualist nations have appealed to the Galactic Community to intervene in the colonization.
B’Kak however, remains unwilling to vacate the planet, concluding; “It would lead to our humiliation if we left the planet now. We’re staying there no matter what. And then, we’re going to begin the process of putting our populations’ minds into synthetic bodies. We’ll be unstoppable.
> More accurate reporting from Spagruum Yu'll could not be possible.
> More accurate editing from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Area Xenophile Unexpectedly Closes Borders
Lyria, Argea System, Lyrian Polity
The Lyrian Polity has unexpectedly closed their borders to all non-allied empires.
Eleven years ago, the fanatically xenophilic empire vowed to give shelter to more refugees than any other nation, a goal which has been generally successful.
However, ongoing conflicts such as the outbreak of war in neighbouring Cevanti systems and the ongoing Unbidden invasion of the Outer Rim has dramatically increased the number of pops seeking shelter on Lyrian plaents, which are struggling to integrate the refugee influx. Lyria has also been weakened politically after the Unbidden declined an invitation to join its federation last month after disintegrating a diplomatic attache sent to its home portal.
Image: The Polity Matriarch Posing on a poster advertising the empire’s new stance on immigration.
Leader of the Polity, Matriarch Athaea, explains the situation:
"We realize this [the immigration] is at least partly a problem because we chose the "Free Haven" civic, and that changing this would reduce the problem. However, we can currently not afford the influence cost of a government reformation, as we spent so much in the last election in order to ensure my 7th term as ruler.”
In order to gain the time needed to develop a more efficient way to integrate aliens and make alien-friendly adaptations to all habitable zones, the Lyrian Polity has broken twelve migration treaties, set their immigration policy to "citizen species only", demolished a tourist centre and closed their borders completely to all empires except the members of the Harmonious Axis federation. But the Polity Matriarch empathizes that the actions taken temporary solutions, and the current policies will only remain active for a minimum of ten years.
Response from citizens in the Lyrian Polity has been mixed. In particular, the dominant Xeno Freedom Society has been upset by the move. Faction leaders told The Xenonion that the refugees have been nothing but helpful, as the influx of happy, industrious pops have boosted mineral production in planets suffering from slow growth. On the ground, unrest has arisen in many sectors with a strong Xeno Freedom presence, even driving production to a halt on some planets. A common battle cry among protesters has been "Not my Matriarch!"
The effects can already be felt across the galactic community and the Galactic UN has called an emergency meeting of the ruling council.
The Xenonion interviewed Damm Eylee'ens, diplomatic representative from the xenophobic Xenda'ar Conglomerate.
"Hypocrisy, that's what it is. First the Lyrians lecture every single member of Galactic UN about the importance of "helping your neighbour". Then, at the first sign of trouble, they close their borders like a xenophobic Fallen Empire. At least we were honest about our opinion that all alien life is a sickness that we must get rid of."
Among the few empires to view this as a positive development is Saiiban Flock, a Hive Mind who generously invites refugees of all social castes to come and visit their empire.
> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize could not be possible
Mystery As Science Ship Mysteriously Vanishes Near To Mysterious Black Hole
Thessily, Parnaby System, Asuri Republics
A major search is underway after the Asuri Republics confirmed one of its most advanced science ships, the ASR Lyara, has gone missing in the uncharted Belvares Maelstrom system.
The alarm was raised when the Lyara failed to arrive at the Asuri homeworld of Thessily this morning on a scheduled return from a routine scouting expedition.
Centralised Asuri navigation logs highlighted the ship's last position as being several hyperlanes off course in the Belvares System, which is known to contain a black hole.
Efforts to communicate with the ship have thus far been unsuccessful. Remote analysis of the ship's most recent computer readings suggest that the crew may have been investigating an unusual signal emanating from the region.
Pictured: The Belvares Maelstrom, an uncharted system containing a black hole is the last known location of the ship.
A search and rescue team has been assembled on Thessily, and is to be lead by Asuri Commander Bensa, who issued this press statement moments ago:
"These sort of situations are difficult. It's going to be a very tough operation. We have the black hole working against us - with gravity, with time-distortion, with line of sight. But we need to get to work - time is gravity, and sight is desired."
The conference came to an abrupt end as several members of the audience, appearing genuinely distressed, began to correct Bensa chanting "time is sight" and "gravity is desire."
It is expected the Asuri will launch a series of time is sight into the region to establish if gravity is desire, however the prospect of time is sight is becoming increasingly gravity is desire.
With the majority of the time is sight being classified, little is known of the gravity is desire or the families they time is sight. Rough estimates suggest time is sight may have had a capacity of up to gravity is desire. The ship itself was equipped with time is sight and advanced gravity is desire, with some arguing what was, will be.
Pictured: SAW EB, LLIW TAHW; EB LLIW, SAW TAHW
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> More accurate reporting from what was, will be, will be, was.
Billions Dead After Sector Governor Accidentally Terraforms Wrong Planet
Pcuss Prime, Saryara System, Pcuss Star Congress
At least 14.3 billion Pcussian citizens are feared dead after a rogue sector governor terraformed 3 colonized worlds into biomes incompatible with existing life forms.
The multiple terraforming projects took place in the planet heavy system of Zendaya and completed simultaneously this morning, causing cataclysmic ecosystem collapse.
Image: This far the only confirmed survivors are the former workers of the space ports
In a press release moments ago, Pcussian president P’Frr stated:
“This is a dark hour for the Pcuss Star Congress. The Zendaya Sector has been completely annihilated following the actions of Governor P’Latt, who has been confirmed dead alongside billions of our fellow citizens.
For reasons we cannot yet comprehend, Governor P’Latt took it upon himself to terraform three pristine continental worlds into arid wastelands. Horrifically, when the terraforming completed, the atmospheres on all of these worlds collapsed, asphyxiating anything organic above ground.
This process began 3 years ago, and was hidden from Central Congress. We had absolutely no indication or notification this was happening, other than P’Latt requesting 50,000 extra energy credits in financial support for the sector every week.
We will rebuild, we will persevere, we will change our government notification system to filter out spam – but for now we must remember those we have lost.”
P’Latt had been appointed to governorship 3 and a half years ago, and was widely rumoured to be inexperienced and substance misusing.
Pcussian rescue teams are currently combing the remains of the former worlds to see if any survivors were able to make it airlocks below ground, but their prognosis remains extremely guarded.
The Pcussian Star Congress has revoked all sector authority, and declared a 70 year period of mourning.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
SpacePope Welcomes Unbidden 'Overlords'
Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth
Extra-dimensional invaders, the so-called 'Unbidden', have seized control of the human colony of Hope in the Terminus System, crippling the UNE's rapid counter-defence efforts.
Hope fell early in the early hours of this morning after seven minutes of planetary bombardment and ground invasion. Communications have been lost with the planet and initial reports suggest nearly all of the 10,000 colonists may have perished.
Terminus marks the 35th system to have fallen in the Outer Rim since the Unbidden began pouring into the nearby Omega System from a tear in the space-time continuum 28 months ago.
Image: Breaking news alert - Unbidden invaders attack Terminus.
Since their arrival they have been indiscriminately hostile towards all organic life forms, and are unresponsive to diplomatic channels of communication.
The Galactic UN has called several times for the formation of an interstellar coalition to counter to threat, but has struggled to muster support from spacenations that are not in the immediate vicinity of the Outer Rim. During this time period the Unbidden have been able to proliferate unchecked, and have annihilated 17 space-faring species.
Terminus is the first and outermost human system to be attacked, even though the UNE previously opposed Galactic UN anti-Unbidden initiatives to focus on "other priorities" such as feral Tiyanki culling.
Both UNE central government and military command have stated they are "deeply concerned" about the developments in Terminus and described the situation as "probably worth getting involved in now."
Despite this, a number of human factions remain opposed to a military response. Human SpacePope Performance H. Metro II issued a decree from the Vatican Space Station, ISS Deus Vult, urging restraint in fighting back against the Unbidden:
"The Unbidden overlords are servants of RNGesus and the glorious rapture is upon us as taught in the Holy iBook. Come, children, let us embrace their XL matter disintegrators with open arms."
Galactic shares have fallen on the news, following the destruction of the Galactic Stock Exchange in the Quirrulan System by the Unbidden.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.