Daily Hyperlane Commutes Extended by an Average of 4 Years, Survey Finds
New figures from the Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) show that almost 35.6 trillion galactic workers have had their daily commute extended by at least four years.
The survey of 1.8 million commuters was commissioned in the wake of the galaxy's universal switch to hyperlane transport last week. It found that:
98% of commuters are now using hyperlane transport, compared to 45% before, with the remainder using isolated forms of natural wormholes (1%), artificial gateways (0.7%) or jump drives (0.3%).
Of those using hyperlane transport, average commute time increased by 2916%
Those working in military, scientific or construction jobs were most likely to be affected
94% of those surveyed stated they would not be keen to travel a distance of more than one system in one commute
Image: Commuting times via hyperlanes have increased significantly - it's now common to see heavy build-ups of space traffic around hyperlane entrances and exits.
Snur Nursnur, space transport minister for the Ubaric TechnoUnion, has called on the Galactic UN to do more to prevent "excessive" transit times, telling Xenonion:
"This has been a direct result of the galaxy switching to hyperlanes, although the problem does not lie with the hyperlanes themselves. This is actually caused by new traffic restrictions on ships traveling within systems at sub-light speeds. We can't ignore this - while four yearly commutes are perfectly feasible in the short term, over time it may start affecting commuters' well-being, and will probably even have an impact on work efficiency too."
Lengthier commutes are now becoming an accepted part of many xenos' routines. Xirk Zenmar, a power plant worker from the Urseni Confederated Worlds, told Xenonion;
"I live on Urseni Prime, but I visit several power plants across our core worlds. Before I could commute with ease, but now I spend at least 3 years a day traveling by hyperlane. It's a mild inconvenience."
Other commuters are going to great lengths to avoid long journeys. Jane Smith, a Blorg scientist, told us her trick:
"I'm often sent on far-flung projects to the outer reaches of the galaxy. My commute can take a whole lifetime, and sometimes before I even get to my destination I'll get called back to my homeworld to investigate something inane. I've found the easiest way to get round this is to simply dismantle my science ship, and somehow I auto-teleport back to Blorg Prime. I'm really not sure how this process works, but it's great and I can't fathom why it's not been introduced everywhere."
The Galactic UN has yet to comment on the survey from the GtFO.
UNE Accidentally Disbands Largest Fleet
Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)
The United Nations of Earth Space Command (UNESC) has this evening confirmed it accidentally disbanded its largest fleet due to a "computer glitch."
The military body, based at the Dodecahedron in Ulm, stated that it had recently installed an expensive ‘Fleet Manager’ computer program to provide naval logistical support, and the error came about during a review of fleet compositions.
Image: The new Fleet Manager computer program was developed in consortium with the Galactic UN to help streamline naval logistics.
“The Fleet Manager has been a fantastic addition to Space Command in terms of allowing us to keep tabs on all of our active fleets and reinforce them as required,” UNESC Chief Admiral Stephen Ackett told Xenonion. “We keep a number of fleet templates on the computer system and these are regularly changed - unfortunately during this instance a fleet template was deleted and for some reason this order filtered to our fleet, which disbanded.”
The incident has caused significant concern among UNE leadership as the affected 1st Fleet had 200 ships and was the space-nation’s largest and most well equipped, having recently been bolstered by the addition of a Titan-class flagship.
At the time of the disbanding order, all 45,000 crew disembarked and the ships were automatically scrapped at Arcturus Station, the forward starbase where they were docked.
Image: The 1st Fleet had been docked at the new Arcturus Starbase, home to all UNE forward naval operations.
Sector governor turned military faction leader Emilio Hermes told reporters at a press conference: “This is outrageous. We’re mere weeks after a devastating attack by Starfish xenos, we’re expecting a further attack any day now, and our largest fleet is just... gone? Can you really blame any of our neighbours for fabricating claims on us now our fleet power is ranked ‘pathetic’?”
The UNESC has stated rebuilding the 1st Fleet is an “absolute priority”. Ackett went on to say: “We can use the fleet manager to rebuild the template that we lost, and just reinforce it, so all our shipyards will automatically rebuild the ships. It’s great! Oh... wait. Hang on. It looks like they’ve accidentally built 500 more ships than we have capacity for. Uh... can you come back in a little while please?”
Shares in human corporations have jittered on the Space Exchange Index (SExI).
Eager Scientist Wouldn’t Be So Eager if She Knew She Would Be Assisting Research
Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)
Enthusiastic scientist Iris Zheng is reportedly "overjoyed" after being selected to work for the United Nations of Earth (UNE) government this week.
The 27-year old meticulous archeologist graduated top of her class from the prestigious University of Ulm.
"I can't believe I'm saying it - I'm a UNE science officer!” Zheng told Xenonion. “I've had an interest in alien artifacts since as long as I can remember. And now, to think I'll be captaining my own science ship and exploring the universe, investigating anomalies and uncovering the mysteries of precusor civilizations. I'm so excited!"
Unbeknownst to Zheng however, the UNE has already explored most of its currently accessible space, and active science ships have been redirected to assist planetary research.
Image: Many scientists fear a career in assisting research.
"Assisting research is perhaps the most tedious thing a scientist can do,” Dr Brian Fisher, a UNE scientist told Xenonion. “You don't get the satisfaction of exploring and you don't get the credit for any technological breakthroughs. It's a bit of a career killer. Iris might seem keen now, but give it 3 months and we'll see how eager she is. And the best part? She can't retire!"
Zheng was unable to comment on the above as she had already been posted to her first mission, assisting research on a far-flung 8-tile human colony home to one basic science lab.
New Faction Fights for Leaders' Rights To Vacation, Retirement
Visari Prime, Ebbarmacchus System, Visari Technocracy
A new faction, the Prosperous Independent Leaders’ Ensemble (PILES), has been founded this week in the Visari Technocracy.
The faction is calling for the government to improve working conditions for leaders. Its main demands include;
Leaders gaining access to retirement - instead of serving jobs for life
Leaders gaining access to vacation time
Leaders gaining access to free life insurance, given high mortality rates among those working in space environments
“Even in our egalitarian society, leaders lack many basic rights. Faction leader, Yoga Antiqua told Xenonion. “We give so much to the empire, many of us even become substance abusers from the stress. In return, we want to be guaranteed basic rights extended to the rest of the population.”
Image: Antiqua is leading the faction from VTS Havres, his home for the past 182 years.
For Antiqua, the fight is personal. As a venerable, resilient, cyborg leader, he first gained command of the science ship VTS Havres at 48. Now aged 230 years old, he reports he has been surveying star systems ever since, without ever taking a day off or returning to his home planet of Bagodah to see one of his 33 great great great grandchildren.
So far, the Visari government has been reluctant to concede to PILES' demands. Bana Shacho, Director of the Visari Technocracy, told Xenonion: “We didn’t research cell revitalization and equip our population with life-extending cybernetics just so that they could retire early. I'm 199 years old, I've won every election for the past 148 years and I've come to no harm. Some people describe me as having become stubborn - but I'm not. They're just wrong.”
Some leaders are also opposed to the ideals of PILES. Governor Xari Nelsa of the Core Sector has stated that she believes leaders are obligated to give their lives in support of the Technocracy, whether they be admirals or scientists. Retirement, she feels, is shameful.
The faction is receiving growing support among more egalitarian Visari, which the government is hoping to suppress through re-allocation of influence.
> More accurate reporting from Seevah Gunnar could not be possible
Area Empire Colonizes Prophet's Retreat, Neighbors Watch On Awkwardly
Prophet’s Retreat, Acrux System, Glaxanon-Vool Border
Leaders of the Glaxanon Republic have made the daring move of colonizing Prophet’s Retreat, one of the most beloved and precious holy worlds of the Vool Crusaders, a notoriously fervid spiritualist stagnant ascendancy.
Politicians from neighbouring spacenations were reportedly shifting uncomfortably in their seats as they watched live neural streams of Glaxanon colonists assembling remnants of their battered ship into a temporary shelter on the gaia world.
Image: The beautiful gaia world of Prophet's Retreat in the Acrux System has long been regarded as a Holy World by the Vool Crusaders, even though the planet does not lie within their borders.
Experts in intergalactic relations have called the move “extremely reckless.”
One such critic, Professor Charles Charlemagne XXI of Earth’s University of Ulm, told Xenonion. “They must have just been uplifted. The planet’s name is Prophet’s Retreat. P-r-o-p-h-e-t-’s R-e-t-r-e-a-t. Can you put clapping emojis between those letters when this is written down? No? Ok. Well. Could it be any more obvious that planet is off limits? Holy Guardians aren’t hard to keep happy. You can squish up against their borders all you want, you can colonize tomb worlds, just leave their holy planets alone.”
Ghorgax B’Kak, leader of the Glaxanon Republic, thinks the galactic community’s response has been melodramatic, stating; “Look, it’s a pristine jewel of a planet. It doesn’t have any dangerous wildlife or difficult terrain to clear, and orbits a perfect star. It’s absolute perfection. What’s so special about it to the Vool? Surely if it was *that* important to them they would have built a frontier outpost near it or something. It's their own fault, really.”
We attempted to contact the Vool’s religious leader for comment, but his advisor went on a tangential tirade about immature materialist fools and threatened to sacrifice our reporter to the Gargantua Black Hole. After composing himself, he was able to give the short statement outlined below.
This situation has also torn a rift between the Glaxanon Republic and their federation ally, the Iferyx Amalgamated Planets. The two allies have already been at odds with each other in the past over their divergent attitudes toward spirituality and materialism, but were united in their love and passion for crushing dissent and free speech.
Iferyxi President, Lokar X’blasa fears this may be the end of their partnership, telling our reporters; “Look, it’s not our holy world, but we can empathise with the Vool, being spiritualists ourselves. But that’s not the biggest issue here. Let’s be frank: this is going to turn into a gigantic s***show and we don’t want to get annihilated by an angry superpower. As it is, they’ve been sending us some really nasty psi-mails and we know this is going to lead to war soon. We aren’t going to let this be our ruination.”
The Yondarim Forerunners, a materialist stagnant ascendancy and longtime rival to the Vool Crusaders, were one of the few spacenations to welcome Glaxanon’s colonization effort.
Image: Glaxanon colonists begin planetary colonization of Prophet's Retreat, seemingly ignoring warnings about its religious heritage.
Verner, a member of the executive ruling council, told us: “You can’t expect a young nation like the Glaxanon to not take such an opportunity presented in front of them. I’d also like to take this moment to preemptively strenuously deny that we put any pressure on Glaxanon leadership to colonize Prophet's Retreat. Any assertion that we threatened them with war unless they did that is hearsay and slander, and reasonable casus belli for war.”
A consortium of spiritualist nations have appealed to the Galactic Community to intervene in the colonization.
B’Kak however, remains unwilling to vacate the planet, concluding; “It would lead to our humiliation if we left the planet now. We’re staying there no matter what. And then, we’re going to begin the process of putting our populations’ minds into synthetic bodies. We’ll be unstoppable.
> More accurate reporting from Spagruum Yu'll could not be possible.
> More accurate editing from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Upheaval as Galaxy Prepares to Universally Adopt Hyperlane Transport
Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System
The Galactic UN has issued a bulletin reminding the stellar expanse that 'Hyperlane Switch Day' on February 22nd is approaching.
The date is when the galaxy is set to formally adopt hyperlanes as the primary mode of interstellar transport, and is expected to trigger major upheaval as empires reconsider how they view transit, political influence and warfare.
The switch has been in development for a number of months and is hoped to be a definitive solution to the galaxy's crumbling transport infrastructure, as Galactic UN spokesperson Mn'O'Rel told our newsteam;
"We are no longer the transit envy of the multiverse. Over time, the number of empires, ships and fleets in our galaxy has expanded exponentially, but transport options have not. Hyperlane routes are clogged. Wormhole stations are in disrepair. Warp drives are contributing to galactic warming. And we couldn't invest in any of them properly as our resources were being split among all of them. We needed to do something radical to solve our transport woes. Our first idea - planet destroying superweapons - was stolen by the Galactic Security Council, so our next plan was to pick one form of transport and just dump all of our resources into it."
Image: The Galactic UN has begun distributing leaflets in preparation for the universal switch to hyperlanes.
As per the Galactic UN's 3,477-page report on interstellar transport, 'So You've Got Nothing Else to Read', hyperlanes were chosen as they offered speedy point-to-point access, energy-free maintenance and natural chokeholds giving perfect locations to build space-tolls.
Warp drives were also seriously considered for universal adoption, but discounted after the Public Institute for Space Health (PISH) discovered compelling evidence that prolonged use can lead to long term health problems, including Genital Warps in organic species, and data corruption in synthetics.
Image: The view most galactic transport users will likely experience when they engage their FTL
Artificial wormhole stations will be dismantled, although pre-existing natural wormhole routes will remain operational.
Other more advanced forms of transport, including Jump Drives and Psi-Drives, will remain available to technologically advanced nations, but use will now be taxed directly to the Galactic UN's Department of Licensing for Conveyance (DLC).
The Council of Overseers, a loose association of militarist empires, have long called for the abolition of non-hyperlane transit. Avian spokesperson C’luck told our newsdesk:
“We have been pushing for this since the collapse of the previous Galactic UN. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have a near-invulnerable hyperlane fleet but not actually get to use it on invading a smaller neighbour because you have to spend your whole time chasing their six wormhole-enabled corvettes around the local cluster? Or when you perfectly position a defensive platform in what's clearly the only hyperlane entrance to your empire, just for some warp-drive whippersnapper to whizz around it?”
Critics have argued militarist empires have pushed for hyperlane-only transit to provide a more suitable galactic terrain for warfare. Guff, leader of a one-planet spacenation with six wormhole enabled corvettes told us:
“Lols the Overseers are just rage quitting because we wormhole jumped one system over their fleet and destroyed a colony ship.”
The Galactic UN were unable to be reached to give a comment on the situation. We think. We didn’t try.
> More accurate reporting from Siitharian Collective Drone 96 could not be possible.
> More accurate editing from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
172-Year-Old Scientist With Paranoid, Arrested Development Traits Still Not Dead Yet
T'Valdra officials have confirmed that Monak Vigon, the 172-year old physics researcher with paranoid and arrested development traits is indeed still alive.
This follows an increasing number of concerns raised by colleagues that his erratic behaviour is hampering research opportunities.
“We’re still cleaning out the particle accelerator from that time he became convinced it was commanding him to perform a ritual sacrifice of the entire intern pool inside it,” fellow physicist Rhass told Xenonion. “That was a rough week.”
Image: The T’Valdra particle accelerator remains shut down as work continues to dislodge chunks of flesh from vent ports.
Rhass firmly puts the blame for Vigon’s longevity with his colleagues in the Society Sciences Department, adding: “if they could just hold off pumping out Cell Revitalization tech every three seconds we might just have a shot at a natural retirement.”
Responding to the news that he still exists, Vigon spoke to reporters from his tent pitched outside the T’Valdra physics department earlier today, stating: “I’m not dead! That’s just what the deep state want you to think! Wake up! Our elected government are REPTILES. LITERAL REPTILES!” The interview was cut short when Vigon caught sight of his reflection in a shard of glass and began hysterically clawing at his face.
The T’Valdra government has not formally commented on Vigon’s continued employment, nor his request for a further batch of interns.
Area Empire Crippled By Trade Requests for Strategic Resources
Diplomats from the Lorax League have issued a cease-and-desist orders to 18 neighbouring space-nations in a bid to quell what they describe as a “tidal wave” of trade requests for Terraforming Liquids.
Following a chance discovery of resource-rich frozen planets last month, the Lorax have become the galaxy’s largest producer of the rare resource, which is highly valued for its eponymous role in terraforming.
Image: The Lorax League recently discovered what it called "ridiculously huge" amounts of Terraforming Liquids on the frozen planet of Gianfor X and its large moon Gianfor XI.
As the Lorax mines are publicly owned, the government retains all access right to the massive stockpile of three Terraforming Liquids. Due to this, the League’s Department of Intergalactic Trade (DIT) has been fielding an increasing number of trade enquiries. Zorgen Florgen, deputy trade minister, told our newsteam;
“Honestly gaining this strategic resource has been an absolute curse. We don't have the energy credits yet to start terraforming so we have to just sit on it - which means everyone else thinks we're not using it. I mean come on, we picked World Shapers as an ascendancy perk for Worm's sake!
Not only that but the trade deals offered are downright offensive. The other day I got a request for a 10 year lease on our Terraforming Liquids in exchange for 200 minerals and star charts. STAR CHARTS. Seriously. Does anyone even know how much 10-year access to Terraforming liquids is worth? Why is someone offering us minerals we can mine in a day?"
Image: A typical example of a trade deal the Lorax League receives on a daily basis, with a typical example of an unimpressed Lorax diplomat.
Interns at the DIT are reportedly spending up to 17 hours a day declining trade deals. One insider, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“I don’t even read incoming trade proposals anymore. I’ve just set all new requests to auto-decline after a few weeks of sitting on my desk."
Trade is a particularly sensitive issue for the Lorax government, following the leak of a recent internal report which confirmed the DIT had issued a number of trade deals to the same empire which cancelled each other out. Florgen refused to comment on this, but our anonymous source continued:
“Oh, yeah we were idiots on this one. So basically we were trading 10 minerals per month to Sentinel Systems, our neighbours, for 10 energy credits per month. Standard 10 year deal. But somewhere along the line we accidentally made another deal and traded 10 energy credits per month for 10 minerals per month, for 10 years. So… we’re effectively not trading at all.”
Materialists from across the galaxy have been calling on the Galactic UN to overhaul trade laws, to include more flexible trade agreements, an index of all available resources, and minimum pricing tariffs for strategic resources.
The Galactic UN responded, stating it was aware of the issue but its priority at present remains on legalizing the construction of planet-destroying superweapons.
Florgen, on hearing this news, told us:
“I now finally understand how fanatical purifiers come about…”
Javorian Pox: What Is It and Should We Be Worried?
The Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) has announced it is monitoring a “minor” outbreak of Javorian Pox in the Thelmar Union region.
With the death toll now surpassing over 500 million, Public Health Officials have urged xenos to remain “vigilant” for the infection.
So how worried should we be? Here’s everything you need to know:
What is Javorian Pox?
Javorian Pox is a highly transmissible infection caused by the bacterium Wingardium Leviosa.
Little information is known about the pathogen, as it was only detected this month on Thelmar’s homeworld of Khersonia.
The first cluster of cases was identified about the TSS Rnaught, a Thelmar science ship which had recently returned from an expedition to the relic world of Irassia, former home of the precursor Irassian Concordat.
While the exact origin of the Pox is unknown, initial analyses suggest it is over four thousand years old, making it the second oldest infectious disease in the galaxy after Lurgy.
What are the symptoms?
Pox symptoms are rapid, unpredictable and highly variable between species, however a number of common features are noted across all organic populations:
Unexpected swelling
Ruptured nodules
Corrugated ankles
Discrete itching
Gastric ejections
Heaped piles
Kidney beans
Slack tongue
Gut rot
Individuals affected can expect to see global health attributes reduced significantly, including fertility and sex appeal.
What’s the mortality?
Exact figures on mortality are not currently clear, although initial reports from Thelmar suggest there is a 1-2% percent chance of recovery with early hospitalization.
PISH has been cautious to warn that infection may have “adverse effects” on organic physiology.
Who’s at risk?
At risk demographics are believed to be similar for other illnesses, such as Lurgy and Saturday Night Fever. These include xenos who are:
Aged >300
Gestating / egg-laying
Predisposed with fleeting or weak traits
PISH has recommended any xenos falling into the above categories should contact their local healthcare provider at their nearest convenience.
Image: Public Institute of Space Health Director Dr. Snugglesworth, pictured earlier today droning on and on about boring science stuff.
How does it spread?
Javorian Pox is spread through close contact, likely bodily fluid or aerosol droplet.
It appears to be highly transmissible, as xenos affected can shed the pathogen while remaining asymptomatic for up to three weeks.
Due to this, lubricated species such as the flagella-laden Blorg are suspected to be high-risk for ‘super-spreading’ the disease.
Is it worse than other types of Pox?
The galaxy has a number of Pox-types circulating at this time of year, consisting of both viruses and bacteria.
However, it is unusual for Pox to spread in developed space, as outbreaks tend to be limited to pre-FTL feudal societies.
How is it treated?
Existing forms of Pox are often easily cured through basic treatments, such as not going outside and Jelly Vat Electrolysis.
At present there is no known effective treatment for Javorian Pox.
Image: A xeno suspected of having Javorian Pox receives urgent treatment at Thelmar’s St. Frontier Hospital.
How bad is the situation in the Thelmar Union?
This winter outbreak has been one of the worst the space-nation has seen in some years, with almost 5.6 billion confirmed infected and 503 million dead across 15 worlds.
Hospital admission data is currently unavailable, as they have stopped responding to information requests following the complete collapse of civil law on Thelmar core worlds.
Similarly, information from Thelmar’s immediate neighbours, a number of small protectorates, is also limited. This in part appears driven by the current independence wars underway, as they desperately try to close their borders to the floods of refugees streaming out of Thelmar.
So what should I do?
At present PISH is recommending galactic organisms “continue life as normal.”
It is advising a number of space-nations to adopt ‘watch and wait’ policies, cautioning against “over-reaction.”
At present travel advice to the Thelmar Union remains unchanged, with no restrictions and a simple ‘be aware’ warning for travelers.
Embassy Staff Unemployment Hits 100%
Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System
Pacifist factions from a broad range of empires have called upon the Galactic UN's to allow for the re-establishment of embassies and diplomatic attachés.
The use of embassies as a method of improving relations between spacenations was outlawed in August 2249 by the Galactic UN's controversial Asimov Act.
Officially the Asimov Act was passed with the intent of streamlining diplomacy and fostering deeper galactic cooperation. It proposed a novel system of 'trust' between empires, with one unit of trust equating to a greater degree of friendliness. Trust could be earned through various mechanisms, such as trade agreements or military alliances. Embassies were believed to promote 'superficial' diplomacy and detracted from these more meaningful opportunities.
Image: Prior to the Asimov Act empires were able to spend a significant proportion of their GDP on hosting diplomats and biweekly cocktail parties in embassies.
Critics of the Act argued it was aggressively pushed by the militaristic lobby as a means to boost their own corporate interests. Others felt it was simply reactionary, spurned on in the wake of the chaos left by the Unbidden invasion of the Outer Rim, where dozens of space empires passively watched as billions of organic lifeforms were purged.
Pacifist factions now argue a "diplomatic void" has been left. Prominent pacifist, Gaandee, told the newsdesk:
"We must fight, peacefully of course, anything that limits our options for peace. I wasn't familiar with this 'trust' concept before, but it works quite well. But we could bring back embassies too. Before it was so much easier to make your intentions clear to another empire through embassy establishment. It's how the Blorg operated for millennia, and look how many friends they have now? Almost three."
The closure of embassies had a profound effect on embassy staff, many of whom who found themselves abruptly unemployed. While this served as the comedic basis for the hugely popular sitcom, 01_Embassy_Propose, recent long term data from the Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) implies the closure has had a significant impact on former staff, who are 50-times more likely to have substance misusing or arrested development traits than the general population.
A representative for the Galactic UN, Gre'Kulf, responded:
"There are many ways to interpret the data from PISH. You could also say the former embassy staff now just have a lot more free time, and heck, who doesn't like a drink in their free time? Embassies represent an older style of diplomacy that is more suited to pre-FTL governments and Parabox games. As an aside, have you played Crusading Dukes IV?"
The Galactic UN has yet to comment on whether it will review the Asimov Act. Pacifist factions state if it does not, they will take their case to the Galactic Supreme Court, if it is re-established by the Galactic UN also.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Area Empress Gains Immortal Trait, Heir Faces Existential Crisis
Royal Circle, Tyrathurus, Shitakasi Holy Empire
Empress Viola of the Shitakasi Holy Empire (SHE) has gained the trait of immortality, granting herself the title of 'God-Empress' in the process.
In an announcement to her imperial court this morning, Viola confirmed she had been marked as "Chosen" by the Shroud, stating:
"Today marks a new dawn for the Shitakasi, for the Shroud has smiled upon me. It has imbued me with great power. Not only do I have +1 influence, but I transcend the limits of mortality. I will rule our people, and ultimately the galaxy, for eternity."
The fungoid Shitakasi, and by extension the Royal Shitakasi Family are deeply spiritual, and famed for their latent psionic abilities.
Viola is reported to be exceptionally psionically connected and was rumoured to be spending increasing amounts of time within the Shroud. It is unclear what force, if any, she has been consorting with.
Image: Empress Viola of the Shitakasi Holy Empire poses for a portrait in the Grand Shitakasi Palace.
The Galactic UN has warned Viola against "wanton title creation", reminding her it was just likely to anger her vassals and promote regional instability. It also added she had no objective scientific evidence to prove she was immortal.
While the news of Viola's "ascension" have been met with jubilant scenes across the Shitakasi home systems, sources close to the Royal Family highlight tensions are rising.
Crown Princess Jasmine, Viola's eldest daughter and next in line of succession, is reportedly "distraught" over news her mother is now immortal, and considering abdicating for a career as a paralegal.
As one anonymous palace source told our newsteam;
"It's just awful for her. Jasmine has the ambitious trait, so naturally her and her mother are rivals, but she expected soon enough she would be able to leave her own mark on the Holy Empire - seemingly not anymore. It's a bit of an existential crisis for her."
Viola's sister, Princess Lilleth, has reportedly formed a faction to change Shitakasi succession to a form of elective monarchy, in a move that many see as trying to limit Viola's increased authority.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
> This article was inspired by a post by Twitter user @diogo__anchieta
Area Empire Develops "Entirely Safe" Xenomorph Army
LSS Nostromos Science Ship, Zunar J-5 System, Luuhma Combine
The Luuhma Combine, an empire of militarist-materialist humanoids, today confirmed it has successfully completed development of a controversial new biological weapons program.
The weapons, called 'Xenomorphs' are in essence a novel species of arthropods that have been genetically engineered as ferocious warriors.
While not yet fully battle-tested, it is hoped Xenomorphs can be utilised in both offensive and defensive Luuhma armies by 2252.
Dr. Reedlay Scoot, chief military researcher on the project told our newsteam:
"For decades we've been looking for a way to enhance our army's capabilities. We've tried adding attachments to armies, but that was too time consuming. We tried cybernetically enhancing or cloning our soldiers, but public opinion turned against that. So effectively all we were left with was bioweapons - and that's how we came up with this project."
Xenomorphs are based on DNA Luuhma scientists harvested surreptitiously from Scythaans, a neighbouring species of hyper-aggressive, fanatic purifier arthropods. Desirable traits that the Scythaans lack, such as intelligence and obedience, were added later in the Xenomorph's development. Dr. Scoot explained:
"Obviously I can't tell you too much, but basically we designed the Xenomorph to undergo several metamorphoses during its life-cycle that would provide opportune moments to refine its development. Xenomorph eggs are developed in a lab and implanted orally into volunteer Luuhmas from our criminal justice system. Don't worry, it's very safe and they're reimbursed with a voucher for a free meal at TacoBell. Anyway, once the Xenomorph develops into a larvae, its gains genetic traits by devouring the Luuhma from within. The clawed abomination then usually bursts through the hosts chest and begins its grotesque career as an adult. It's the adult form that's very, very dangerous and makes a perfect weapon!"
Image: A fully developed xenomorph displayed in a biocontainment tank.
Developed on a secure research vessel in the Zunar J-5 System, Xenomorphs can grow to 3m tall and weigh up to 300kg. They are equipped with hundreds of teeth, several large claws, a long muscular tail and acidic blood.
While combat data has yet to be generated, Luuhma officials are confident the creatures will be efficient and obedient warriors. Several uninhabited planets in the region, such as LV-462, have been identified for battle trials.
However, multiple military personnel, and indeed the Galactic UN, have expressed concern regarding the Luuhma's bioweapon's project.
Kane Gutscäre, head of the Galactic UN's Department of Mild-To-Moderate Concern told us;
"To say we're mildly or moderately concerned would be accurate. While bioweapons aren't strictly prohibited by galactic law, and the Luuhma are doing their best to keep development on a secure lab aboard the LSS Nostromo, these Xenomorphs are still a complete unknown, and we really don't know what will happen when they're operational. You only have to look at the fatality rate of 100% for Xenomorph hosts, and the high rate of staff on the research vessel being mutilated to confirm that."
Dr. Scoot has dismissed these claims, stating:
"This is outrageous. If this new technology was dangerous it would have been clearly flagged as that when we began research. It's not like we're doing something wild like making jump drives here or anything. All our data suggests these Xenomorphs will be just as obedient as if we had cloned our soliders. The simulations suggest there would be minimal collateral damage if they were released into a civilian population. The staff that have been severely disfigured by Xenomorph bites were due to initial teething problems - no pun intended. And anyway - we included an ingenious fail-sail to prevent them from reproducing - all specimens are female!'
Luuhma's research partners have applauded the new technology for its originality as well as its potential in combat. They are expected to soon develop similar technologies pending the outcome of battle-testing.
> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize could not be possible
Admirals Spending Entire Life Off-World "Maybe Not So Healthy", New Report Finds
Lyria, Argea System, Lyrian Polity
Admirals across the galaxy feel that their concerns are not being taken seriously by their respective governments, a new survey has revealed.
The Critical Review of Admiral Satisfaction & Happiness (CRASH) survey is an annual poll undertaken by members of the Guild Academy for Generals & Admirals (GAGA), a pan-galactic representative body for military command personnel.
The 14,000 respondents to CRASH represented almost all fleet admirals working in the known regions of space, across nearly 6,000 empires.
Image: The CRASH survey highlights significant concerns raised by fleet admirals.
Worryingly, only 11% indicated they were happy in their current job, and 93% had 'extreme concerns' about remaining employed as a fleet admiral.
The most commonly cited concerns included being dangerously fatigued through managing extremely large fleets, feeling overwhelmed by complex operations micromanagement, safety concerns over ineffective emergency warp protocols and personal health concerns over high rates of substance misuse traits in older admirals.
On average, over 70% of admirals aged over 120 had some form of acquired negative trait, with substance misusing being the most common. Admirals commanding fleets of over 400 ships were also more likely to be substance misusing, and rated their happiness lowest.
Interestingly, those working on 'atypical' contracts, such as pirate outfits, rated their happiness highest.
The results also highlight a mistrust of governing bodies. Only 41% of admirals polled felt their governments took safety protocols seriously.
Earlier this year, United Nations of Earth (UNE) retired admiral A.K. Barr warned that some of his former colleagues were being forced to work for up to 17 years without an adequate break. He subsequently resigned amid failures of the UNE government to address lengthy emergency warp times and the longstanding issue of transport fleets perpetually renaming themselves.
These sentiments were echoed by Lyrian Polity admiral Belessaria P'Sayle, who told our newsteam:
"For too long our warnings have gone unheeded. Admirals have a huge responsibility and play a vital role in keeping the galaxy's military-industrial complexes profitable. Yet we have no quality of life. Have you ever tried to command anything beyond your own body? Can you imagine commanding several thousand other bodies aboard several hundred ships? This is what we're expected to do, for our entire lifespan. We're tired. It's not safe, and it's not fair."
Admirals such as Barr and P'Sayle have welcomed the introduction of so-called 'doomstack regulations' by the Galactic UN, but feel this doesn't go far enough to address the above problems. P'Sayle continued:
"I'm glad they're introducing fleet caps. That at least means we'll be commanding smaller fleets, meaning we're less stressed. It should also mean that more admirals are hired. But why is no-one talking about improved pay, or retiring before we die from old age on our flagship? These are the core issues we need addressed."
Some admirals have called for pan-galactic unionization through the Guild Academy for Generals and Admirals, however this would need to be formalized through a ballot.
Individual governments have already warned against such a move, stating that could potentially amount to individual admirals committing high treason.
The Galactic UN has reported it is working "diligently" to address "issues adversely affecting admirals and fleets", with 'doomstack regulation' being the first legislative step towards this.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible
Primitives Uplift Into Fanatic Purifier Territory, Want To Devolve
Gorgon's Rest, Dantathu, Contested Space (Free Gorgo-Scythaan Systems)
A newly formed one-planet minor has broadcast an emergency distress signal to all neighbouring empires after realising it is located entirely within a fanatic purifier's borders.
Gorgon's Rest is homeworld to the Gorgo, a mammalian species of pacifists who only discovered FTL travel in the last few weeks.
The Gorgo developed apparently uninterrupted for several hundred years in a system long claimed by the Scythaans, an empire of arthropods renowned for their xenophobic tendencies and ruthless nature.
Image: Free Gorgo is a small enclave nestled within the 40-planet strong Scythaan Systems.
Gorgo leader Trieil told our newsteam;
"OH GOD. HELP. WE JUST WANT OUT!"
Sources close to Trieil report he and the ruling council of Gorgo were "shocked and terrified" when they realised that every hyperlane out of their home system led to heavily fortified Scythaan systems. The Scythaans have been unresponsive to diplomatic hails, save for sending intermittent messages comprised only of unintelligible clicking, which has been interpreted on Gorgon's Rest as some form of taunt.
The Scythaan leadership caste, led by the High Queen on the arthropod's homeworld of Klendathu, issued this press statement earlier today:
"[high pitched clicking noises]"
Despite the clear message outlined above, many observers believe the Scythaans intentionally allowed the Gorgo civlization to develop as far as it has.
Human xeno-anthropologist Dr. Leo Isauros told us;
"We've seen this sort of thing with the Scythaans before. They use other species for enslavement and food before purging. It makes perfect sense they would allow this civilisation to grow to a point where there are many more pops to 'farm' but without much resistance. It's quite an efficient harvesting model really."
This statement was put to both the Sycthaans and the Gorgo.
The Sycthaan Queen was resolute in her response:
"[considered clicking noises]"
Trieil stated:
"Wait WHAT? They do WHAT? ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS- CAN YOU GET US OUT OF HERE? CAN YOU--"
The transmission was unexpectedly cut short before more information could be received.
> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
Royal Family Confirm Prince to Wed Prethoryn Queen
Prince Harren IV of the Habsburg dynasty has said he knew The Prethoryn Queen was “the one” from the moment they met, as the couple made their first public appearance since the announcement of their engagement.
The Prince, 33, declared he is “thrilled” as he and the Queen, a xeno of unknown age and species, posed for an open-air photocall at the Grand Habsburg Palace.
Their surprise engagement was confirmed yesterday by Empress Maria Theresa XIV, current reigning monarch on the planet of Habsburgia, with a statement saying the couple will marry early next week.
Image: The happy couple give an exclusive interview to our sister magazine HAK!
Second in line to the Habsburg throne, Harren has been dating the Prethoryn Queen for almost four weeks. Their whirlwind romance has shocked the staunchly pro-human one-planet minor of Habsburgia, especially as it comes only one week after Harren's beloved sister-bride-to-be Maria Theresa XV died under suspicious circumstances.
Harren is said to have met The Prethoryn Queen while undertaking humanitarian work in the Outer Rim, which has been decimated by the ongoing Unbidden invasion. There he came across a new species referring to themselves as ‘The Prethoryn Vanguards’, who introduced the pair.
Celebrity magazine HAK! met with the happy couple for an exclusive interview.
The Prethoryn Queen, while silent except for intermittently vocalizing "HAK", appeared stunning wearing a beautiful silver tiara above her giant bulging eye. Her tendrils were beautifully manicured, visibly wrapped around Harren's torso, and seemingly protruding into his spinal cord via the base of his skull.
The prince, with a glazed look of excitement, stated:
"I am overjoyed. From the moment my Queen penetrated my cervical spine I knew I had to marry her over my sister. I know I must grant her all my landed titles, once I ascend to the throne following my mother and brother disappearing in a tragic hunting accident. I know she will use her power for good, to pit the lesser species against each other, to distract them from the coming storm."
Habsburgia sits on the border of the United Nations of Earth (UNE) and unclaimed space. Governed as an independent irenic monarchy, it was settled in 2090 by descendants of the Habsburg family, an ancient dynasty that previously presided over Earth's largest power in the pre-industrial era, the Holy Roman Empire (HRE).
Earth’s current indirect democracy has not officially recognised the monarchy since its democratization 700 years ago, but despite this the Habsburg dysnasty has flourished, maintaining significant prestige and wealth. With the advent of FTL travel by 2070, they launched a private colony ship towards the Strohl System, with a view to founding a colony and re-establishing their rule. Over 80 years later the colony has been a moderate success, and now has a population of 250,000 humans.
While the UNE has never given its explicit blessing to the Habsburgia project, it tolerates its existence on the condition the planet pays taxation fees to Earth in line with other human colonies.
The galaxy has reacted positively to the news of the engagement, with politicians and high-profile figures offering congratulations. UNE president Jeffrey Rossario stated he was "delighted for the couple and wished them +1 stability."
The couple's full interview will be broadcast later this evening on an exclusive episode of Stars In The Stars.
Species That Doesn’t Wear Clothes Forced to Sit Seperately During Federation Meeting
Image: A unclothed Bwauki (censored) stands to address fellow members of the Just Alliance.
Political observers have described the Bwauki Multisystem’s first meeting with fellow members of the Just Alliance federation as “extremely awkward.”
The summit, held on the Thelmar Union’s homeworld of Redguard, was the first the Bwauki had been to since joining the federation last month. The agenda was meant to focus on how the Bwauki would contribute towards a cross-empire federation fleet, however the meeting was postponed as it became apparent Bwaukis were not wearing any clothes.
President S’Lig, executive of the Glukkonian Guild, spoke to Xenonion News about the events that unfolded:
"So we come along to this meeting, expecting some serious federation business to be attended to. The Bwaukis, who I had never met in person before, had arrived early since it was their first meeting with us. When we entered the conference room and they stood up to greet us we realised they were… naked. And not in a conveniently-placed-rag naked but… a completely unpixelated naked.”
Image: Glukkonian president S’Lig
The Bwauki are an Avian species hailing from the tropical planet of Perspyre in the mineral-rich Celciheit System, an area of strategic importance for the Just Alliance. Their species have developed for millenia without clothes due to the high levels of planetside humidity.
It transpired none of the federation members from the Just Alliance had physically met the Bwaukis, inviting them based on pictures which only showed them from the waist up.
Observers report delegates tried to proceed with the summit as normal, but as one Bwauki gave an emphatic speech on military taxation, fellow diplomats balked at the sight of his reproductive organs gyrating vigorously.
Thelmar security forces stepped in and ushered the Bwauki into an adjoining room where they could remain alone. The meeting was adjourned after appropriately fitting clothes were unable to be found.
S'Lig continued:
"It was just about as awkward as that time the Prime Minister of the Thelmar Union forgot who the Proscul were. Anyway, we need to find out some way to continue getting the Bwauki's mineral contribution, but without them attending federation meetings. Perhaps we should put our new federation fleet on annexation duty...."
The Bwauki Foreign Office has refused to comment on the incident. No further federation meetings have been scheduled for the remainder of this quarter.
UNE Controversially Repeals Shroud Neutrality Rules
Image: UNE president Jeffrey Rossario announces Shroud-neutrality rollback at the UNE Congress in Ulm.
United Nations of Earth (UNE) president Jeffrey Rossario has rolled back Shroud-neutrality rules enshrined in law under the Galactic UN.
The change is seen as a major victory for Shroud providers like TeleShroud and ContingencyCast, but a blow to those who favour a Shroud connection that offers equal psionic access to all.
It could pave the way for net providers to offer super fast 'psiways' - where only wealthy consumers can afford the best connection to the Shroud. It is also expected to hasten fragmentation of the Shroud into 'packages' where users are restricted to only the services they pay for, such as instant thought messaging, eyeStreaming videos or Shroud-marking rivals to suffer a lifetime of pain and misfortune.
Since its discovery in 2150, the Shroud has revolutionized communications within the galaxy. Through unknown means, anyone with psionic capabilities or psionic-enabled devices patented by Shroud providers, can instantaneously transmit unlimited information across multiple universes. This has rendered older services like the traditional brain-implanted NeuralNet as largely redundant.
Image: TeleShroud's FAXR9 is one of its most popular psionic-enabled devices allowing users without psionic capabilities to access the Shroud.
In a statement, Paul Manafart, a spokesperson for President Rossario, outlined the reasons behind the UNE's intervention:
"For almost 20 years, the Shroud thrived under the light-touch regulatory approach established by that coven of psionic witches who tore a hole in the space time continuum and slowly but surely began expanding their influence in this universe. Their definitely not sinister entrepreneurial framework led the private sector to invest $20 trillion energy credits in building communications networks throughout the Shroud. We got super rich, super quickly! But as per usual, the Galactic UN has come in with their socialist banhammer trying to regulate the Shroud under the guise of 'equality' and 'consumer protection'."
In 2190, the egalitarian-leaning Galactic UN assembly declared the Shroud a free dimension for the public to use. Providers offering Shroud access were classified as 'neutral gateways' to the dimension, and were not allowed to speed up or slow down connections. The Galactic UN also set up a commission to oversee and regulate this.
Manafart continued:
"The Galactic UN came in with a heavy-handed approach, regulating Shroud access too heavily - citing reasons like, oh it might rupture the space-time continuum this, oh it might induce the End of the Cycle that. That decision was a mistake. It has depressed investment in building and expanding psionic networks and deterred innovation. As someone who covertly sits on the board of TeleShroud, I can tell you that this is really hurting my chances for building a third home on Zygma Beach."
Telecoms companies emphatically agree, as Chi't Pai, fungoid CEO of ContingencyCast stated:
"Today's action will provide tremendous opportunity for xeno Shroud user, no matter where they live. The removal of antiquated, restrictive regulations will pave the way for psionic network investment, expansion and upgrades."
Image: Chi't Pai, CEO of ContingencyCast, outlines a new payment structure for UNE citizens trying to access the Shroud.
But a range of other companies such as CybrexCorp and FaceBlorg, say the UNE's proposals will make it easier for companies like TeleShroud to give priority to their own communication tools.
Egalitarian groups have cited concerns that President Rossario is 'inherently anti-Shroud' given an ongoing investigation over revelations several months ago that he accidentally uploaded his entire mental state to the Shroud. A public campaign ('SOS - Save Our Shroud') has since been launched to raise awareness around the issue, and egalitarians have affirmed if the proposal goes though, they will mount legal action to challenge it.
Image: Egalitarian groups launch the 'SOS - Save Our Shroud' campaign, utilizing posters such as this one to raise public awareness.
The proposals will now be voted on at the next UNE Congress, on December 14th.
Area Xenophile Unexpectedly Closes Borders
Lyria, Argea System, Lyrian Polity
The Lyrian Polity has unexpectedly closed their borders to all non-allied empires.
Eleven years ago, the fanatically xenophilic empire vowed to give shelter to more refugees than any other nation, a goal which has been generally successful.
However, ongoing conflicts such as the outbreak of war in neighbouring Cevanti systems and the ongoing Unbidden invasion of the Outer Rim has dramatically increased the number of pops seeking shelter on Lyrian plaents, which are struggling to integrate the refugee influx. Lyria has also been weakened politically after the Unbidden declined an invitation to join its federation last month after disintegrating a diplomatic attache sent to its home portal.
Image: The Polity Matriarch Posing on a poster advertising the empire’s new stance on immigration.
Leader of the Polity, Matriarch Athaea, explains the situation:
"We realize this [the immigration] is at least partly a problem because we chose the "Free Haven" civic, and that changing this would reduce the problem. However, we can currently not afford the influence cost of a government reformation, as we spent so much in the last election in order to ensure my 7th term as ruler.”
In order to gain the time needed to develop a more efficient way to integrate aliens and make alien-friendly adaptations to all habitable zones, the Lyrian Polity has broken twelve migration treaties, set their immigration policy to "citizen species only", demolished a tourist centre and closed their borders completely to all empires except the members of the Harmonious Axis federation. But the Polity Matriarch empathizes that the actions taken temporary solutions, and the current policies will only remain active for a minimum of ten years.
Response from citizens in the Lyrian Polity has been mixed. In particular, the dominant Xeno Freedom Society has been upset by the move. Faction leaders told The Xenonion that the refugees have been nothing but helpful, as the influx of happy, industrious pops have boosted mineral production in planets suffering from slow growth. On the ground, unrest has arisen in many sectors with a strong Xeno Freedom presence, even driving production to a halt on some planets. A common battle cry among protesters has been "Not my Matriarch!"
The effects can already be felt across the galactic community and the Galactic UN has called an emergency meeting of the ruling council.
The Xenonion interviewed Damm Eylee'ens, diplomatic representative from the xenophobic Xenda'ar Conglomerate.
"Hypocrisy, that's what it is. First the Lyrians lecture every single member of Galactic UN about the importance of "helping your neighbour". Then, at the first sign of trouble, they close their borders like a xenophobic Fallen Empire. At least we were honest about our opinion that all alien life is a sickness that we must get rid of."
Among the few empires to view this as a positive development is Saiiban Flock, a Hive Mind who generously invites refugees of all social castes to come and visit their empire.
> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize could not be possible
Primitives Immune To Indoctrination After Crafting Aluminum Headwear
Image: The observation post above Mallerti II has reported recent difficulties in indoctrinating primitives on the planet.
Mallerti II, Cknoor System, Ubaric TechnoUnion
Researchers aboard the Mallerti II observation post have encountered a "significant problem" with the indoctrination of primitives native to the planet, according to station commander Dr. Gustav Herlog.
Mallerti II is home to the Ulnak, an Early Space Age civilization of mammalians that have been under the study of the materialist Ubaric TechnoUnion for seventeen years. Aside from some unfortunate contamination events - which were contained and eliminated appropriately - the researchers have completely avoided contact with the primitives.
In addition to learning about primitive cultures, the research station has been tasked with the indoctrination of the primitives so that they might eventually transition smoothly into galactic culture. Until recently, this process had been proceeding ahead of schedule.
In recent months, however, a new phenomenon has presented a significant barrier to progress. The major cultures of Ulnak have begun adopting aluminum headwear as the height of fashion, and the resulting cranial shielding has made further indoctrination extremely difficult. Observation post computers now alarm with an error code - '404: Primitive Not Found.'
"Aluminum," Dr. Herlog explained to The Xenonion in an interview, "is perhaps the strongest adversary of our array of mind control lasers. The attenuation factor achieved by only a few millimeters of the stuff is annoying at best and fatal to the project at worst."
In response, Dr. Herlog and his team have begun a covert counter-offensive consisting mainly of in-situ agents donning similar headwear made of more favorable materials, such as common plastic. The researchers hope that artificially setting new fashion trends will allow more regular work to continue.
Image: Ulnak fashionistas are resistant to propaganda efforts by the observation post to convince them to wear less mind-control-inhibiting headware, as illustrated by this advertisement made by a front company.
"It's really quite embarrassing," an anonymous agent told our news team; "What motivates these primitives to invent such maddening ideas is beyond me."
> More accurate reporting from Erik Akselsen could not be possible.
Tiyanki Population "Crashing" Owing To Unsustainable Milking Practices
ISS Palaver Science Nexus, Alpha System
Scientists are warning that Tiyanki face "extinction level armageddon" after a new study found that their population levels have declined by up to 75% in some clusters.
According to the study published this week in the Reddit Journal of Science, the dramatic decrease in Tiyanki could have disastrous consequences for agriculture and space ecology as a whole.
Image: The results published in the Reddit Journal of Science show that Tiyanki populations have decreased by almost 75% from 2000. With no conservation efforts, it's expected the species will be extinct by 2300.
Fairly docile creatures, Tiyanki often migrate between systems in groups of three, grazing on local gas giants. They play an important role in maintaining solar ecology by regulating gas giant emissions. Several spacenations regard the creatures (and their milk especially) as a delicacy and often refer to them affectionately as 'space cows'.
For the last 27 years, researchers aboard the ISS Palaver Science Nexus been closely monitoring data from Tiyanki sampling sites across the inner rim.
Dr. Mordin Salus, the reptilian lead researcher, told our newsteam;
"It's funny how this study started. If you talk to xenos from across the galaxy, they all remember how Tiyanki used to smash on the windscreen of corvettes when journeying through a system. But now, that hardly happens. It's a very visceral reaction when you realise you don't see that mess all over your ship anymore."
Salus and his team petitioned the Galactic UN to fund the study following similar reports of declining irradiated cockroaches, space amoeba, and crystalline entity populations, alongsisde concerns about rising galactic temperatures.
The study used millions of advanced 'shock traps' that were placed in random sampling sites across the galaxy. The 'traps' consisted of FTL inhibitors to lure migrating Tiyanki, and tachyon lances to immediately kill them to allow for accurate biomass processing. By measuring the weight of each 'catch', data could be compared to previous observational studies, allowing researchers to obtain the exact drop in numbers.
Image: An example of a humane Tiyanki 'shock trap' in action above a gas giant planet - a popular feeding area for local Tiyanki.
The study suggests if current trends are extrapolated, the Tiyanki will be completely extinct by 2300. It has concluded that there are simply "too many unknown variables" to reach a definitive answer on the cause of the population drop, but it has hypothesized that habitat destruction, over-milking and aggressive starfleets are likely implicated.
Salus has stressed that it is his personal belief that the changes are xeno-driven, stating:
"Look, I know the study doesn't really offer a conclusion but that's because half the researchers sit on the boards of major Tiyanki milk conglomerates. But I can categorically tell you this is an ecological apocalypse of our own making. As dramatic as it sounds, you have to appreciate - it takes 10 compressed Tiyanki to even get 1ml of Tiyanki Milk. The galaxy consumes 10,000L of milk every 30 seconds. Just think about that."
Public response to the news has been muted, largely as Tiyanki meat and milk supplies have yet to be interrupted. Kelly Jones, a Blorg from St. Knatchbull told our U-Pollsters;
"I mean, they're kind of gross, so it's a bit hard to care. I'm pretty cut up about alien pets going extinct, but that's only because they're like sooooo cute."
Military personnel and pilots have reacted more positively, stating the reduced numbers of Tiyanki should make for safer flying and less radar cluttering.
The Trade Union for Recently Discovered FTL Nations (TURD-FTL) has expressed disappointment in the lack of public concern. A representative body for those new to the galactic stage, it warns the galaxy would mourn the loss of these 'repugnant creatures' who are often the first to terrify naive species venturing out into the great unknown.
The Galactic UN has highlighted it views Tiyanki conservation as a 'priority' and states it will address the issue urgently at the 2nd Galactic Conference for the Betterment of the Galactic Ecosystem (GCFTBOTGE) in 14 years time.
> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.
> This issue was brought to you via avid newsreader @Mrrnegaderooster.
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