Lone Strike Craft Destroys Colossus After Five Year Slog

The Voor Technocracy has been left reeling after its flagship Colossus-class planet cracker, the Quietus, was destroyed by a lone strike craft from the Keth Cooperative.

It is thought the Keth victory may break a deadlock in the 53 year-long border war between the two neighbouring space-nations which has engulfed the mid-Rim.

The tiny strike craft, Salmon One, was piloted by Keth native Luuk Skalvåker, who is now being hailed as a hero across the cluster.

Image: The Voor colossus.

It appears however the attack on the Colossus was entirely opportunistic, as the Salmon One had accidentally got left behind its carrier ship when the Keth fleet retreated from a failed incursion of Voor space. While Skalvåker was piloting home through enemy territory, he stumbled across the idle Quietus in the Scheat System.

The Colossus had only been constructed 1 year earlier by the Voor Technocracy at a huge cost. It had just completed a trial-run of planet cracking in Voor Space before it was to be set upon Keth core worlds.

Skalvåker, automatically set to aggressive stance, engaged the much larger Colossus with no choice in the matter. For five long years he vigorously attacked the gargantuan ship before eventually causing its weapon system to fail and explode, killing all ten thousand crew on board.

Image: Luuk Skalvåker

“My strategy was… well I didn’t have a strategy.” Skalvåker spoke of the attack to local news on returning home. “Wearing down the armor was a slow process though, I just barely exceeded it’s monthly hull regeneration. It was a long five years, let me tell you.”

Voor leadership has come under heavy criticism for both the loss of its flagship weapon, and as to why the Quietus was left undefended for such a protracted period of time.

Emperor Daft Fader of the Voor Technocracy has declined to comment on the incident.

---

Pacifist Empire Elects S875.1 Warform as New Leader

The Skrell Empire has sworn in its first non-organic leader, the S875.1 Warform, who has pledged to be a ‘Champion of the People.’

The technocratic Skrell leadership caste elected the S875.1 by a clear majority, as Representative Knellnar told Xenonion: “It’s the best leadership candidate we’ve had in years.”

The materialist and pacifist-inclined Skrell discovered the Warform over 30 years ago when a science expedition in the Outer Rim happened upon the abandoned Corvette it was stored in.

Upon reactivation of the ship the S875.1 pledged its service, and it’s 400-power Corvette, to the Skrell navy.

Unfortunately due to design incompatibility, the ship was unable to be integrated into any Skrell fleets. As such the S875.1 was tasked with the solo mission of destroying a nearby Scavenger leviathan. Unexpectedly, the ship was lost and the S875.1 was thought to have perished.

Unknown to Skrell leadership however, while the physical hull of the S875.1 Warform had been destroyed, the bot commanding it had managed to successfully return to the pool of admirals awaiting further duty, where it remained unnoticed for 25 years until suddenly being elected today.

Little is known about the background of the S875.1, or its vision for the future of the Skrell Empire, but this has not deterred officials like Knellnar, who continued; “The S875.1 Warform shows us that being a semi-intelligent machine designed only for warfare should not stop one from aspiring to the highest position of power in a pacifistic technocracy, and becoming loved by the entire nation on the way."

On being asked as to whether she was worried about the S875.1 seeking retribution for being sent alone on such a risky mission, Knellnar laughed; “no… truly, none of us could have ever predicted such an adverse outcome…”

The S875.1 has thus far declined to comment on its election, opting instead to beep quietly, and somewhat menacingly, in a dark corner of the Skrell Congress building.

*inspired by idea from Dr. D.R.

---

Young Space-Nation Agonizes Over Wording of First Contact Greeting

The leadership caste of the oligarchic Rihi’Nar Coalition has been “crippled with indecision” over the wording of a first contact greeting, insider reports indicate.

The humanoid Rihi’Nar are one of the youngest species in the galaxy equipped to utilize FTL travel, having only discovered hyperlane technology 6 months ago.

While exploring locality space, they made contact with an alien intelligence for the first time in the form of the Vitrios Stardom, an established empire of spiritualist plantoids.

Reaction to the encounter among the Rihi’Nar population has been mixed, and this appears to have been reflected in its government’s indecision over how to word its first ever diplomatic greeting.

Image: The Rihi’Nar Coalition has devoted hundreds of hours of deliberation over which greeting to send to their newly discovered neighbours, the Vitrios Stardom.

‘‘Our society and linguistics experts have spent the last 28 days decoding the Vitrios language and have come up with a list of appropriate greeting options reflecting our species ethos…” Rihi’Nar leader Kashnak told Xenonion. “But they’re quite different. Do we promote our xenophilia by talking about cooperation? Or do we assert our militarism with a more curt statement? … This is too difficult! Why can’t we just say ‘Greetings!’ or something generic like that!?”

As the Rihi’Nar government has devoted increasing attention to formulating a diplomatic response, its other administrative responsibilities such as healthcare, education and food production have been suspended.

Kashnak went on; “This first contact thing must be really important, right? Surely it has a lasting impact on our future relationship with the Vitrios? Why else would my scientists tell me we received 15 sequential priority messages about having successfully translated their language?”

Image: Rihi’Nar linguists received multiple priority alerts regarding having successfully opened communications with the Vitrios Stardom.

Diplomats from Vitrios space have been bemused by the Rihi’Nar’s indecisiveness. Rohzebudd, a spokesplant for the Stardom told Xenonion: “They do realise it’s just a formality, right? They can call us ‘side salad’ like all the other meat fleshbags do and we’ll still trade sensors with them.”

The Rihi’Nar are at present unaware of the Vitriosi comments, and are reportedly excitedly looking into how to establish embassies.

---

Fanatic Xenophobes Have Soft Spot for Charismatic Species

A recent survey of the highly xenophobic Scythaan arthropods found that despite their universal hatred of other species, they are remarkably tolerant towards an unassuming race of Avians, known as the Ciran, because of their natural charisma. 

Since the Scythaans typically purge or enslave outsiders on sight, an undercover Xenonion News interview team cunningly disguised themselves as Scythaans to conduct the study safely.

In one notable encounter, the following was able to be translated from Scythaan clicking noises: “On a scale of 0 to -1000, I’d put the Ciran around a -975. Like, I still hate them, obviously. But something about them is just... less despicable, you know what I mean? Whoa, are you ok? Your antenna looks a little... droopy.”

When asked to choose among several species to enslave, all Scythaan pops interviewed responded that owning a Ciran slave would make them up to 5% happier. In addition, most respondents ranked the Ciran as last for the question, 'What order would you purge these species in?'

Most Ciran individuals live in the eponymous Ciran Kingdom, a small vassal of the neighboring Luuhma Combine on the other side of the galaxy. While the kingdom has generally positive relationships with its neighbors, it has virtually zero contact with the Scythaans, so the results of the survey came as a surprise to many Ciran pops.

Tyudelek, a citizen of the Ciran Kingdom, told Xenonion: “Who are these creeps and how do they know about us? We don’t even know them, they’re one of our contacts’ contacts... I knew I shouldn't have left my FaceBlorg profile on public."

Image: Tyudelek is 'strongly considering' deleting his FaceBlorg page for up to one week, possibly even two.

In unrelated news, a Xenonion News investigative team was found dead in the Scythaan Systems after masquerading as Scythaan pops. A Xenonion News internal investigation has concluded that "such tragedy could never have been predicted."

---

Federation Member Kicked After Declining 363 War Declaration Requests

The Themlar Union government today confirmed it has been formally ejected from the Just Alliance federation.

The announcement follows several months of escalating diplomatic tensions and disputes within the formerly 6-member federation over foreign policy.

The vote to remove the Thelmar Union was initiated this morning by the militaristic Bwauki Multisystem, the current rotating federation leader. Member states voted in favour of the motion 5-0, with the Thelmar Union abstaining as it accidentally missed the notification that the vote had been started.

In a press statement issued this morning, Bwauki diplomats cited the vote was put in place due to “irreparable differences” between the Thelmar Union and other federation members regarding war declaration votes.

This appears to be directly related to the Thelmar Union blocking the Bwauki Multisystem's longstanding attempts to press claims on its larger and more powerful non-federated neighbour, the Cevanti Empire.

Themar Union Prime Minister Smudge told Xenonion: “Our reasons for rejecting the Bwauki war proposals were simple - we'd have to do all the work.”

Image: Thelmar Union prime minister Smudge, who should never be rubbed on his belly.

Political observers agree Bwauki space command would be unlikely to overcome a Cevanti incursion given its small fleet cap and the fact they have retrofitted the previously highly adaptable federation fleet to only have flak cannons, for no apparent reason.

The original vote for a war declaration was initiated several months ago, and required all member states of the federation to consent in order for it to pass. Tensions escalated when after the vote failed initially, the Bwauki Multisystems proceeded to repeat the vote 362 more times over the space of 3 months.

Smudge continued; "Can you imagine trying to process 363 war declaration requests since the Galactic Community outlawed embassies?"

Each time the Thelmar Union rejected the war proposal, it suffered a massive opinion malus with the Bwauki, to the point where the relationship could no longer be repaired.

Bwauki president Scree declined to speak to Xenonion News, but in a public press conference he told reporters his reasoning behind removing the Thelmar Union from the Just Alliance was; “Well... they rejected our proposals.”

Image: Bwauki president Scree, who seems acutely unaware of the fact he is not wearing any clothing.

The remaining federation members; the Lorax League (xenophilic), Glukkonian Guild (materialists), Uri Nation (egalitarian) and the Eredi Assembly (egalitarian) all backed the Bwauki Proposal.

Matriarch Lyssa of the Lorax League told Xenonion; “We are natural allies with the Thelmar Union so this whole process has been very difficult for us. Having said that, we just needed the notifications to stop. There were so. many. notifications. We've actually just formally closed our foreign affairs office to make it stop for a while."

Image: Lorax League matriarch Lyssa.

The Thelmar Union was the federation's largest and most powerful member, and opposition parties in remaining states have warned the Bwauki vote has left the Just Alliance severely weakened.

As the Bwauki government prepares to initiate its 364th war declaration vote, which is now expected to pass as long as the Lorax League remembers to open its foreign affairs office, critics have called upon the Galactic Community to overhaul federation mechanics and laws to prevent similar events from happening again.

---

Empires Urged to Purge Considerately

The Galactic UN has called upon xenophobes to purge neighbouring species with more consideration for the natural environment.

The announcement follows the publication of a recent Galactic Fact Office (GtFO) census which has revealed the plantoid population of Forever Spring is steadily declining following the systematic purging of their synchronically evolved co-species by a neighbouring empire.

Image: Angiofro plantoid populations have been in steady decline following the poorly planned purging of the Baapidae, their arthropoid synchronically evolved co-species.

The Angiofro, the charismatic plantoid species in decline, evolved synchronically with the repugnant Baapidae arthropoids on their home world of Forever Spring.

During almost a millennia of co-existence they developed a symbiotic relationship, with the Angiofro requiring the Baapidae to rub against them to enhance pollination reproduction, and the Baapidae eating weaker Angiofro as a healthy alternative to TacoBell's XenoWraps.

Image: Angiofro Let'us probably would have something to say, if it wasn't a plant.

This close knit relationship was not revealed to the Bwauk Multisystem, a neighbouring species of mildly xenophobic Avians who had recently assumed overlord status of Forever Spring. The Bwaukis worship beauty and symmetry, and dutifully continued their longstanding tradition of purging aesthetically unpleasing species.

Unfortunately the selective purging of the Baapidae has meant the Angiofro have lost reproductive functioning, and are being pushed towards extinction.

Bwauki spokesbird C'heep told Xenonion: "It's a shame really because the Angiofro are very symmetrical, although it would be better if they were shinier and we could construct our nests from them. But yes. Who would have thought the extinction of a species could have such a wide ranging effect on an ecosystem like this?"

Image: Bwauki spokesperson C'heep refused to don clothes for his interview with Xenonion News.

Bwauki officials have strenuously denied claims they knew the impact the Baapidae purge would have on the Angiofro, but conceded not having plantoids taking up spots in leader pools would be "helpful."

The Galactic UN has recognised the legality of the Bwauki purge, but again urged empires to only purge with appropriate planning and foresight.

---

Unfortunate Area Admiral Graduates With Fleet Logistician Trait

Area resident Paul Bork has apologized to family, friends and tutors after discovering he graduated from Fleet Academy with the Fleet Logistician trait.

Speaking to a packed press conference of local reporters, Bork stated:

"I'd like to take this opportunity to say sorry to everyone I know. I'm sorry this has happened. If I could take it back, I would. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to still see me as a person. I also hope this event has not damaged the reputation of our proud Fleet Academy."

Image: Paul Bork graduates from Ulm Fleet Academy.

Bork graduated from his 5 year admiralty degree earlier this week, believing this signaled his longstanding career aspirations had finally been realized.

Tragically, during the graduation ceremony he received the fateful news that would alter the rest of his life. He recalled;

"It had started out such a happy day. There I was in my gown with my family, who were so proud. I'd worked so hard and was so pleased with myself. But after I got my degree I suddenly got this pop-up in my eyeStream - 'You have gained the Fleet Logistician trait.' I thought it was a joke at first. But then I looked at it properly. I panicked. I thought it was a mistake. How could this be happening?"

Traits are lifelong distinguishing qualities bestowed upon leaders, including admirals. They are assigned initially at random, but over time will follow with experience. Bork explained;

"I just wish I could have got the Aggressive or Gale-Speed Traits. Heck, even a Cautious trait would have been better. Who wants to be a Fleet Logistician? That doesn't even do anything to fleet power! Sure, they say it reduces the maintenance of fleets, but you're not exactly going to be building 500 cruisers if you can't afford to maintain them in the first place."

Bork initially tried to reach out to classmates and former teachers for help, but they reportedly shunned him for fear of contracting the trait.

It is highly unlikely the Fleet Academy will place Bork in a admiralty role, however they have recommended him to consider a career in sector governing.

Bork's father, Raymond, also spoke to local reporters at the press conference;

"I never thought I'd see the day when I spent 500,000 energy credits to put my son through a 5 year degree which would allow him to be a... sector governor."

The press conference was cut short as local reporters hurriedly left to cover the breaking news story of an area pop's happiness dropping by 1%.

---

UNE Begins Work on Space Wall Megastructure Prototypes

UNE government contractors have started to build prototypes of President Jeffrey Rossario’s proposed border wall with space.

Building documents state that all eight of the living metal prototypes are to be on a similar scale to existing ringworld structures, and to span the entire length of the UNE’s border.

The Space Wall formed a core tenet of Rossario’s oft-fiery and tumultuous election campaign in 2249 against Karla Karling, wherein he pledged to harshly curb xeno migration.

Speaking at a political rally in Ulm this morning, Rossario told the audience;

“We have to do something about these xenos. There are too many. Too many. Look at the Blorg. They’re not sending us their best migrants. They’re sending Blorg that have lots of problems and they’re bringing these problems. They’re bringing Zro, they’re bringing unrest. Some, I assume are good Blorg. But most are not.

I tell you folks, the Space Wall will stop them. It’s going to be big, it’s going to be beautiful. The biggest and most beautiful megastructure you’ll ever see. We’ll have negative alien migration modifiers in the minus billions. Billions and billions in migration malus. It’s going to be great.”

Net xeno migration in to the UNE remains at a record high, bolstered by the recent influx of non-human refugees seeking safe haven from the ongoing Unbidden invasion of the Outer Rim.

Rossario’s ‘humanity first’ policy has remained highly controversial. His remarks have been panned by observers across the political spectrum, and have prompted fury from the Blorg ambassador on Earth who has demanded an apology from Rossario.

Despite this, his message appears to resonate strongly with human voters. This has been reflected in Rossario's rising approval ratings, which previously languished following several high profile scandals and ongoing corruption probes against his administration.

Image: Many of Rossario's political opponents, including faction leader Aimee Fleury, have spoken out against construction of the Space Wall.

The influential human Prosperity Faction has been especially critical of Rossario’s Space Wall plans. Leader Aimee Fleury shared her concerns with Xenonion News:

“This is one of the most insane proposals I’ve ever heard, to be honest. To start, it’s a wall… it’s… pardon me, I just can’t stop laughing… It’s a wall… in outer space. A wall in S-P-A-C-E… A WALL…IN—sorry. They’ll fly over it. Under it. They could jump drive over it. Not even that… this will ruin our economy. The average megastructure takes 20-40 years to build, and upwards of 100k minerals to finance. And this won’t return anything to the economy. He could build a Dyson sphere, but he wants a wall?”

Image: Rossario's supporters, such as hat maker Ronald Gump, are extremely keen to see the Space Wall constructed.

Rossario’s most ardent supporters, however, believe the Space Wall is the actualization of a long-held political fantasy, as human hat maker Ronald Gump told us;

“This is what we need! Keep xeno scum out of the UNE! Make Earth great again! Stupid liberal xenoflakes need to stop worrying about the cost of the wall - we’re going to make all neighbouring xenos, including that hostile Fallen Empire, pay for it."

UNE central government states it hopes wall prototype selection will be completed within the next five months.

View fullsize

---

Pacifist Empire Declares War Every Ten Years to Enforce Truces

The pacifistic Scyldari Confederacy has this morning declared liberation wars on fourteen neighbouring space-nations.

Scyldari President Dackam hailed the declarations of war as "the beginning of another chapter for galactic peace and prosperity."

Image: Scyldari President Dackam announced the war declarations this morning live via eyeStream.

The move was hotly anticipated by galactic observers such as J'Khanna, a political commentator on Scyldaria, who told Xenonion News:

"This is definitely no surprise to anyone who's been watching Scyldari diplomacy in action. Over the last 30 years they have followed a very rigid pattern of declaring liberation wars on neighbours, immediately settling for status quo without any actual hostilities, and then enforcing a 10 year truce period which guarantees peace. As soon as the truces expire - the process is repeated."

Each of the fourteen space-nations which had war declared upon them all individually had existing truces with the Scyldari which expired today.

Proponents of the war declarations highlight that the resulting peace accords, which are unbreakable as per Galactic UN law, have heralded an era of unprecedented development in the region.

Image: Rhi'Kass, leader of the Vhemm Ardent, reptilian spiritual slaving despots.

Rhi'Kass, leader of the Vhemm Ardent, one of the fourteen space-nations to be attacked, told Xenonion News;

"These 10-year truce periods have actually been pretty beneficial to us. Initially we were forced into it because the Scyldari were way more powerful than us, but now we're on technological parity, we still agree to it immediately. Why? Well no-one in the region is really thinking about war, so we can focus on the economy and science. Open borders are enforced so we actually have to interact with our neighbours... On a personal level this has really changed my perspective on things."

Reports indicate Scyldari diplomats are currently in the process of drawing up a new set of status-quo peace treaties to cover the next 10-years. Insider sources indicate that the higher levels of government are optimistic that after this tranche of war declarations, the region will federate.

Image: An example of previous peace treaties offered by the Scyldari Confederacy.

The Galactic UN and xenophilic Fallen Empires have praised the Scyldari's war declarations as "a wonderful overture to peace" and are said to be considering nominating the space-nation for the 2251 Galactic Nobel Peace Prize award.

Scientist on Cusp of Unlocking Anomaly Mystery Wins Presidential Election

Hask'Gentar has been elected president of the T’Valdra Allied Systems Congress.

With all ballots confirmed this morning, Gentar secured 77% of the direct democracy’s eVote compared to incumbent president Torba'Villin's 7%.

Image: Hask'Gentar delivers his inaugural presidential broadcast to T'Valdranite citizens.

In his inaugural eyeStream broadcast to the local cluster, Gentar stated:

“Uh... It’s an honour to serve T’Valdra, but... I have to say, I'm not quite sure if I'm best placed to do this - I didn’t even know I was running for election. Did someone in my department accidentally put my name down for this or something?"

Gentar is one of the galaxy's top-ranking scientists, having graduated first in his class from T’Valdra Science Academy in 2240 with meticulous and roamer traits. He was quickly posted on deep space surveying missions, and has spent the last decade steadily ranking up in experience.

Image: Many were surprised to see Gentar on the ballot, given his more politically experienced competition, including incumbent president Torba'Villin.

His election victory came as a surprise to many in T’Valdra, given his lack of previous political experience and the nature of his work. At the time the election results were announced Gentar was reportedly “extremely close” to unlocking the mystery of a Level 5 anomaly which he had been working on for 3 years.

Image: Unofficial reports indicate Gentar was "on the cusp" of unlocking the secrets of the so-called 'Technosphere', a large metallic object orbiting a black hole.

Hask'Timak, egalitarian faction leader on T’Valdra, told Xenonion News;

“We were all just taken off guard really - we were totally expecting the core sector governor to win the election given his agrarian upbringing and architectural interest. What I’m stumped about is how Gentar was able to run such a slick election campaign despite being 35,000 light years from any of our inhabited worlds. It’s actually quite impressive.”

Karl Karling XXVI, Professor of Political Science from the University of Ulm in the United Nations of Earth, told Xenonion News;

“It’s actually not uncommon to see this phenomena in stellar democracies - often presidents come from pools of scientists, admirals, generals - individuals outwith the usual political circle. We’re currently investigating the reasons behind this trend, but it does seem to occur mostly in young space nations who don’t have enough political clout to subtly influence elections in the direction of political candidates."

The T’Valdra Science Academy has confirmed Gentar has now left their contracted employment and work on the anomaly will have to be abandoned. A spokesperson for the Academy stated they wished him well in his new role, and advised they are now advertising a post for an experienced science officer to continue his work.

*This article was inspired by a post from Redditor u/solophuk

UNE Accidentally Disbands Largest Fleet

Earth, Sol System, United Nations of Earth (UNE)

The United Nations of Earth Space Command (UNESC) has this evening confirmed it accidentally disbanded its largest fleet due to a "computer glitch."

The military body, based at the Dodecahedron in Ulm, stated that it had recently installed an expensive ‘Fleet Manager’ computer program to provide naval logistical support, and the error came about during a review of fleet compositions.

Image: The new Fleet Manager computer program was developed in consortium with the Galactic UN to help streamline naval logistics.

“The Fleet Manager has been a fantastic addition to Space Command in terms of allowing us to keep tabs on all of our active fleets and reinforce them as required,” UNESC Chief Admiral Stephen Ackett told Xenonion. “We keep a number of fleet templates on the computer system and these are regularly changed - unfortunately during this instance a fleet template was deleted and for some reason this order filtered to our fleet, which disbanded.”

The incident has caused significant concern among UNE leadership as the affected 1st Fleet had 200 ships and was the space-nation’s largest and most well equipped, having recently been bolstered by the addition of a Titan-class flagship.

At the time of the disbanding order, all 45,000 crew disembarked and the ships were automatically scrapped at Arcturus Station, the forward starbase where they were docked.

Image: The 1st Fleet had been docked at the new Arcturus Starbase, home to all UNE forward naval operations.

Sector governor turned military faction leader Emilio Hermes told reporters at a press conference: “This is outrageous. We’re mere weeks after a devastating attack by Starfish xenos, we’re expecting a further attack any day now, and our largest fleet is just... gone? Can you really blame any of our neighbours for fabricating claims on us now our fleet power is ranked ‘pathetic’?”

The UNESC has stated rebuilding the 1st Fleet is an “absolute priority”. Ackett went on to say: “We can use the fleet manager to rebuild the template that we lost, and just reinforce it, so all our shipyards will automatically rebuild the ships. It’s great! Oh... wait. Hang on. It looks like they’ve accidentally built 500 more ships than we have capacity for. Uh... can you come back in a little while please?”

Shares in human corporations have jittered on the Space Exchange Index (SExI).

New Faction Fights for Leaders' Rights To Vacation, Retirement

Visari Prime, Ebbarmacchus System, Visari Technocracy

A new faction, the Prosperous Independent Leaders’ Ensemble (PILES), has been founded this week in the Visari Technocracy.

The faction is calling for the government to improve working conditions for leaders. Its main demands include;

• Leaders gaining access to retirement - instead of serving jobs for life

• Leaders gaining access to vacation time

• Leaders gaining access to free life insurance, given high mortality rates among those working in space environments

“Even in our egalitarian society, leaders lack many basic rights. Faction leader, Yoga Antiqua told Xenonion. “We give so much to the empire, many of us even become substance abusers from the stress. In return, we want to be guaranteed basic rights extended to the rest of the population.”

Image: Antiqua is leading the faction from VTS Havres, his home for the past 182 years.

For Antiqua, the fight is personal. As a venerable, resilient, cyborg leader, he first gained command of the science ship VTS Havres at 48. Now aged 230 years old, he reports he has been surveying star systems ever since, without ever taking a day off or returning to his home planet of Bagodah to see one of his 33 great great great grandchildren.

So far, the Visari government has been reluctant to concede to PILES' demands. Bana Shacho, Director of the Visari Technocracy, told Xenonion: “We didn’t research cell revitalization and equip our population with life-extending cybernetics just so that they could retire early. I'm 199 years old, I've won every election for the past 148 years and I've come to no harm. Some people describe me as having become stubborn - but I'm not. They're just wrong.”

Some leaders are also opposed to the ideals of PILES. Governor Xari Nelsa of the Core Sector has stated that she believes leaders are obligated to give their lives in support of the Technocracy, whether they be admirals or scientists. Retirement, she feels, is shameful.

The faction is receiving growing support among more egalitarian Visari, which the government is hoping to suppress through re-allocation of influence.

> More accurate reporting from Seevah Gunnar could not be possible

Embassy Staff Unemployment Hits 100%

Galactic United Nations HQ, Anward Space Station, Paravox System

Pacifist factions from a broad range of empires have called upon the Galactic UN's to allow for the re-establishment of embassies and diplomatic attachés.

The use of embassies as a method of improving relations between spacenations was outlawed in August 2249 by the Galactic UN's controversial Asimov Act.

Officially the Asimov Act was passed with the intent of streamlining diplomacy and fostering deeper galactic cooperation. It proposed a novel system of 'trust' between empires, with one unit of trust equating to a greater degree of friendliness. Trust could be earned through various mechanisms, such as trade agreements or military alliances. Embassies were believed to promote 'superficial' diplomacy and detracted from these more meaningful opportunities.

Image: Prior to the Asimov Act empires were able to spend a significant proportion of their GDP on hosting diplomats and biweekly cocktail parties in embassies.

Critics of the Act argued it was aggressively pushed by the militaristic lobby as a means to boost their own corporate interests. Others felt it was simply reactionary, spurned on in the wake of the chaos left by the Unbidden invasion of the Outer Rim, where dozens of space empires passively watched as billions of organic lifeforms were purged.

Pacifist factions now argue a "diplomatic void" has been left. Prominent pacifist, Gaandee, told the newsdesk:

"We must fight, peacefully of course, anything that limits our options for peace. I wasn't familiar with this 'trust' concept before, but it works quite well. But we could bring back embassies too. Before it was so much easier to make your intentions clear to another empire through embassy establishment. It's how the Blorg operated for millennia, and look how many friends they have now? Almost three."

The closure of embassies had a profound effect on embassy staff, many of whom who found themselves abruptly unemployed. While this served as the comedic basis for the hugely popular sitcom, 01_Embassy_Propose, recent long term data from the Public Institute of Space Health (PISH) implies the closure has had a significant impact on former staff, who are 50-times more likely to have substance misusing or arrested development traits than the general population.

A representative for the Galactic UN, Gre'Kulf, responded:

"There are many ways to interpret the data from PISH. You could also say the former embassy staff now just have a lot more free time, and heck, who doesn't like a drink in their free time? Embassies represent an older style of diplomacy that is more suited to pre-FTL governments and Parabox games. As an aside, have you played Crusading Dukes IV?"

The Galactic UN has yet to comment on whether it will review the Asimov Act. Pacifist factions state if it does not, they will take their case to the Galactic Supreme Court, if it is re-established by the Galactic UN also.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Area Empress Gains Immortal Trait, Heir Faces Existential Crisis

Royal Circle, Tyrathurus, Shitakasi Holy Empire

Empress Viola of the Shitakasi Holy Empire (SHE) has gained the trait of immortality, granting herself the title of 'God-Empress' in the process.

In an announcement to her imperial court this morning, Viola confirmed she had been marked as "Chosen" by the Shroud, stating:

"Today marks a new dawn for the Shitakasi, for the Shroud has smiled upon me. It has imbued me with great power. Not only do I have +1 influence, but I transcend the limits of mortality. I will rule our people, and ultimately the galaxy, for eternity."

The fungoid Shitakasi, and by extension the Royal Shitakasi Family are deeply spiritual, and famed for their latent psionic abilities.

Viola is reported to be exceptionally psionically connected and was rumoured to be spending increasing amounts of time within the Shroud. It is unclear what force, if any, she has been consorting with.

Image: Empress Viola of the Shitakasi Holy Empire poses for a portrait in the Grand Shitakasi Palace.

The Galactic UN has warned Viola against "wanton title creation", reminding her it was just likely to anger her vassals and promote regional instability. It also added she had no objective scientific evidence to prove she was immortal.

While the news of Viola's "ascension" have been met with jubilant scenes across the Shitakasi home systems, sources close to the Royal Family highlight tensions are rising.

Crown Princess Jasmine, Viola's eldest daughter and next in line of succession, is reportedly "distraught" over news her mother is now immortal, and considering abdicating for a career as a paralegal.

As one anonymous palace source told our newsteam;

"It's just awful for her. Jasmine has the ambitious trait, so naturally her and her mother are rivals, but she expected soon enough she would be able to leave her own mark on the Holy Empire - seemingly not anymore. It's a bit of an existential crisis for her."

Viola's sister, Princess Lilleth, has reportedly formed a faction to change Shitakasi succession to a form of elective monarchy, in a move that many see as trying to limit Viola's increased authority.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

> This article was inspired by a post by Twitter user @diogo__anchieta

Admirals Spending Entire Life Off-World "Maybe Not So Healthy", New Report Finds

Lyria, Argea System, Lyrian Polity

Admirals across the galaxy feel that their concerns are not being taken seriously by their respective governments, a new survey has revealed.

The Critical Review of Admiral Satisfaction & Happiness (CRASH) survey is an annual poll undertaken by members of the Guild Academy for Generals & Admirals (GAGA), a pan-galactic representative body for military command personnel.

The 14,000 respondents to CRASH represented almost all fleet admirals working in the known regions of space, across nearly 6,000 empires.

Image: The CRASH survey highlights significant concerns raised by fleet admirals.

Worryingly, only 11% indicated they were happy in their current job, and 93% had 'extreme concerns' about remaining employed as a fleet admiral.

The most commonly cited concerns included being dangerously fatigued through managing extremely large fleets, feeling overwhelmed by complex operations micromanagement, safety concerns over ineffective emergency warp protocols and personal health concerns over high rates of substance misuse traits in older admirals.

On average, over 70% of admirals aged over 120 had some form of acquired negative trait, with substance misusing being the most common. Admirals commanding fleets of over 400 ships were also more likely to be substance misusing, and rated their happiness lowest.

Interestingly, those working on 'atypical' contracts, such as pirate outfits, rated their happiness highest.

The results also highlight a mistrust of governing bodies. Only 41% of admirals polled felt their governments took safety protocols seriously.

Earlier this year, United Nations of Earth (UNE) retired admiral A.K. Barr warned that some of his former colleagues were being forced to work for up to 17 years without an adequate break. He subsequently resigned amid failures of the UNE government to address lengthy emergency warp times and the longstanding issue of transport fleets perpetually renaming themselves.

These sentiments were echoed by Lyrian Polity admiral Belessaria P'Sayle, who told our newsteam:

"For too long our warnings have gone unheeded. Admirals have a huge responsibility and play a vital role in keeping the galaxy's military-industrial complexes profitable. Yet we have no quality of life. Have you ever tried to command anything beyond your own body? Can you imagine commanding several thousand other bodies aboard several hundred ships? This is what we're expected to do, for our entire lifespan. We're tired. It's not safe, and it's not fair."

Admirals such as Barr and P'Sayle have welcomed the introduction of so-called 'doomstack regulations' by the Galactic UN, but feel this doesn't go far enough to address the above problems. P'Sayle continued:

"I'm glad they're introducing fleet caps. That at least means we'll be commanding smaller fleets, meaning we're less stressed. It should also mean that more admirals are hired. But why is no-one talking about improved pay, or retiring before we die from old age on our flagship? These are the core issues we need addressed."

Some admirals have called for pan-galactic unionization through the Guild Academy for Generals and Admirals, however this would need to be formalized through a ballot.

Individual governments have already warned against such a move, stating that could potentially amount to individual admirals committing high treason.

The Galactic UN has reported it is working "diligently" to address "issues adversely affecting admirals and fleets", with 'doomstack regulation' being the first legislative step towards this.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible

Primitives Uplift Into Fanatic Purifier Territory, Want To Devolve

Gorgon's Rest, Dantathu, Contested Space (Free Gorgo-Scythaan Systems)

A newly formed one-planet minor has broadcast an emergency distress signal to all neighbouring empires after realising it is located entirely within a fanatic purifier's borders.

Gorgon's Rest is homeworld to the Gorgo, a mammalian species of pacifists who only discovered FTL travel in the last few weeks.

The Gorgo developed apparently uninterrupted for several hundred years in a system long claimed by the Scythaans, an empire of arthropods renowned for their xenophobic tendencies and ruthless nature.

Image: Free Gorgo is a small enclave nestled within the 40-planet strong Scythaan Systems.

Gorgo leader Trieil told our newsteam;

"OH GOD. HELP. WE JUST WANT OUT!"

Sources close to Trieil report he and the ruling council of Gorgo were "shocked and terrified" when they realised that every hyperlane out of their home system led to heavily fortified Scythaan systems. The Scythaans have been unresponsive to diplomatic hails, save for sending intermittent messages comprised only of unintelligible clicking, which has been interpreted on Gorgon's Rest as some form of taunt.

The Scythaan leadership caste, led by the High Queen on the arthropod's homeworld of Klendathu, issued this press statement earlier today:

"[high pitched clicking noises]"

Despite the clear message outlined above, many observers believe the Scythaans intentionally allowed the Gorgo civlization to develop as far as it has.

Human xeno-anthropologist Dr. Leo Isauros told us;

"We've seen this sort of thing with the Scythaans before. They use other species for enslavement and food before purging. It makes perfect sense they would allow this civilisation to grow to a point where there are many more pops to 'farm' but without much resistance. It's quite an efficient harvesting model really."

This statement was put to both the Sycthaans and the Gorgo.

The Sycthaan Queen was resolute in her response:

"[considered clicking noises]"

Trieil stated:

"Wait WHAT? They do WHAT? ARE YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS- CAN YOU GET US OUT OF HERE? CAN YOU--"

The transmission was unexpectedly cut short before more information could be received.

> More accurate reporting from Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible.

Species That Doesn’t Wear Clothes Forced to Sit Seperately During Federation Meeting

Image: A unclothed Bwauki (censored) stands to address fellow members of the Just Alliance.

Political observers have described the Bwauki Multisystem’s first meeting with fellow members of the Just Alliance federation as “extremely awkward.”

The summit, held on the Thelmar Union’s homeworld of Redguard, was the first the Bwauki had been to since joining the federation last month. The agenda was meant to focus on how the Bwauki would contribute towards a cross-empire federation fleet, however the meeting was postponed as it became apparent Bwaukis were not wearing any clothes.

President S’Lig, executive of the Glukkonian Guild, spoke to Xenonion News about the events that unfolded:

"So we come along to this meeting, expecting some serious federation business to be attended to. The Bwaukis, who I had never met in person before, had arrived early since it was their first meeting with us. When we entered the conference room and they stood up to greet us we realised they were… naked. And not in a conveniently-placed-rag naked but… a completely unpixelated naked.”

Image: Glukkonian president S’Lig

The Bwauki are an Avian species hailing from the tropical planet of Perspyre in the mineral-rich Celciheit System, an area of strategic importance for the Just Alliance. Their species have developed for millenia without clothes due to the high levels of planetside humidity.

It transpired none of the federation members from the Just Alliance had physically met the Bwaukis, inviting them based on pictures which only showed them from the waist up.

Observers report delegates tried to proceed with the summit as normal, but as one Bwauki gave an emphatic speech on military taxation, fellow diplomats balked at the sight of his reproductive organs gyrating vigorously.

Thelmar security forces stepped in and ushered the Bwauki into an adjoining room where they could remain alone. The meeting was adjourned after appropriately fitting clothes were unable to be found.

S'Lig continued:

"It was just about as awkward as that time the Prime Minister of the Thelmar Union forgot who the Proscul were. Anyway, we need to find out some way to continue getting the Bwauki's mineral contribution, but without them attending federation meetings. Perhaps we should put our new federation fleet on annexation duty...."

The Bwauki Foreign Office has refused to comment on the incident. No further federation meetings have been scheduled for the remainder of this quarter.

---

Balkans Cluster Pushes for Galactic Map Reform

Kebabidonia, Stantinople System, Kebabid Hegemony

Today's assembly session at the Galactic UN was once again dominated by representatives from the Balkans cluster urging for galactic map reform.

The 60-star spiral arm is home to over 40 small independent nations that are virtually indistinguishable from one another on maps due to sharing similar names and flag colours.

The region was previously unified under the rule of the vast Kebabid Empire, but following a period of social upheaval in 2199 it fragmented into a multitude of smaller authoritarian nations, the largest of which include the Kebabid Hegemony, Unified Hegemon of Kebabid, Kebabid Beserkers, Kebabid Realm, Interstellar Kebabid Realm, Interstellar Kebabid Nation, Unified Kebabid People, Unified People of Kebabid, Kebabid People, Kebabid Unity, and the Kebabid Dominion.

Image: The Balkans Cluster is home to a multitude of nations with shared history, language, names and flag colours.

These new nations, often outwardly hostile and uncooperative, have found it difficult to commit war atrocities on each other due to it being unclear on galactic maps who neighbouring systems actually belong to.

The current map system, which is used universally across the galaxy, was created by the Galactic UN in 2200 as a means of facilitating effective warfare between nations. However, from its inception it has faced criticism that it comes with a limited choice of colours for empires to identify with.

These difficulties have been highly prevalent in the Balkans cluster. In one notorious recent instance, the Unified Kebabid People accidentally purged its own homeworld, mistaking the trademark navy blue flag of its own people for the trademark navy blue flag of its long-time rival the Unified People of Kebabid.

Kebabid Hegemony leader Mebeb II told our newsteam;

"We must do something about this awful way of portraying our galaxy! We could not care less about who's on top or bottom of the map, but this colour issue - the border gore! Every Kebabid nation is some variant of blue. And then the systems that overlap - it's blue on blue with stripes. Please, we're just looking for a colour wheel - or even a 32 pallet pane that we can pick a slightly different shade of blue so we can tell each other apart. Ugh. You people have no sense for aesthetics, I can tell."

The Galactic UN has responded by saying it is taking calls for map reform "very seriously", and would be addressing this issue as soon as it has banned all other forms of non-hyperlane FTL travel.

> More accurate reporting from Heuknaize & Ashley Easterbrook could not be possible